SHADOW OF DEATH

Chapter 33: Venom

Jane balanced the breakfast tray into one hand while she used her other to knock on Loki's door. She heard faint rustlings within, but it was not until she called out to him through the door that she heard him answer.

"It is open."

The room was nearly dark within. The giraffe patterned curtains had been drawn across the windows, blocking out the view of the city below. His usually meticulously organized room now looked as though a hurricane had passed through it. Pillows and bedding were strewn from one side of the room to the other. Two tables had been overturned. Clothes were tossed haphazardly across the back of the couch and from curtain rods and in piles on the floor.

Sitting in the corner farthest from the window, the one bathed in deepest shadow, she caught the briefest flicker of movement. Goose jumped up from Loki's lap and came to press its wet nose against her ankle. It mewed and then turned back to Loki.

His long frame was huddled into the smallest possible space, as if he wished the corner would swallow him up completely. Loki's disheveled hair hung limply around his pale face. He wore the same clothes as the night before, though only his undershirt and leather trousers remained. What surprised Jane the most was the sight of his bare feet protruding beneath his ankles. In all the time she had known him, she had never once seen him without his tall, black boots. This unsettled her more than the rampant upheaval around him or the dark circles under his eyes.

"I brought you breakfast," she said, in way of greeting. She leaned over to right the coffee table so she could place the tray on top. "It's ujii and fried eggs and some papaya today. I tried to get some mandazi, but I got there too late. I guess I was more tired than I thought. I made sure to get some extra sugar for your ujii though… and a slice of lime."

When he didn't answer, Jane stood awkwardly, unsure what to do. She had been hesitant about this errand in the first place, but Shuri had insisted.

"I have been summoned by Baba. I cannot refuse. You must bring him breakfast," she had said when she unceremoniously woke Jane that morning.

"Why? Why is breakfast so important?"

No trace of humor or insincerity crossed Shuri's face. "Baba is a king and a very busy man. When he is surrounded by busy people and busy tasks, he does not have time to be anything but a king. Once he leaves his room each morning, he takes on the mantle of king and does not take it off until he is too, too tired and he returns to sleep. If I find him before he leaves his room, then he is only the man. Sometimes, he needs to know it is that man who is sought and not the king… and sometimes he needs to be sought for his weakness and not his strength. I saw the prince's face when we left with the Stone. He will need breakfast today. Do not let him send you away. You stay there until he speaks."

So, Jane shifted her weight on her feet and looked around Loki's tumultuous room, desperately looking for something to say or something to direct her into just what she was supposed to do next. She realized, then, how very barren his room always seemed. It's not that it was not finely furnished and decorated. It was. However, it typically appeared just that – a finely furnished guest room which no one inhabited. He barely left a trace of his presence in the room. It did not matter whether he was currently staying in Wakanda or was out wandering the face of the Earth, the only items he kept in his room were a single trunk, which was always closed, and three containers on a dresser. The latter items had not appeared until a few months into their entry into Wakanda and Jane had never paid much heed to them. Now, she drew closer and noticed they were two flower pots growing bright red and yellow flowers and a glass jar filled with bits of colored sand and glass.

"They grew back. After," Loki said behind her, his voice so low she would not have caught it without her enhanced hearing. She was surprised to hear him speak, but she sought not to show it. "Mrs. Johnson couldn't believe it. She said she hoped to be like those flowers…it seemed so impossible at the time… and she gave me those as a reminder.

"I have to wonder why they bothered? They had every reason not to. Why do they insist on growing again? Nothing else in her garden survived. Why did these?"

Jane withdrew her hand from the green leaf she had been trailing her finger on, but she did not dare turn around.

"That one is my own little bit of New York," he said, obviously referring to the remaining little jar she now stood before. "Ironic, isn't it? When I found the shards of the Tesseract, they resembled those nearly exactly. Are those bits of a twenty story bank or the former dwelling of thousands? The blast leveled it all the same… whether a great urban city teeming with life or a source of power older than the universe itself. It could not destroy either completely – only reduce them to a handful of rubble that would so easily be forgotten by future generations. How hard we work for something which may vanish in but a moment!"

She gasped and stepped away from the jar, as if it were radioactive. Loki noticed and he seemed to take a macabre delight in her discomfort.

" Sometimes I stare at those bits of sand and wonder what I would have looked like, mixed up within. Maybe as blue as those bits of Tesseract or as grey as concrete."

He let a heavy pause drape over them for a few moments and all Jane could hear were his jagged intakes of breath.

"Oh, Jane. I have deceived you more than any other… almost as much as I have deceived myself," he burst out, so suddenly that Goose hissed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, turning around so she faced him again.

"Hope is a deadlier poison than any the greatest of mages can concoct. I made you believe we had a chance. I told you we could overcome. I made you believe not only in my failed cause but you even began to believe in me. That is the worst deception of all."

"Oh, Loki."

Jane tugged at the tie holding back her ponytail and her hair fell in slightly creased waves down her back. She ran her hand through one side and then she sank down on the floor to be at the same level as him. She leaned up against the dresser holding his jars and mirrored his posture exactly, save for her shod feet. Goose's eyes glowed in the dim light of the room and it kept a careful watch on Jane's every movement.

"Maybe that woulda worked once," she said. "Do you really think you can deceive me? Now, I mean. You can… and do… lie to yourself about more things than I can even keep track of, but it's not gonna work with me."

She didn't look away from him, even when he failed to look up. He shrank inwards on himself even smaller than she thought possible and he stared most vehemently at the burnt orange tiles covering the floor. Goose made a nest for itself in the cavern created by his bent arms and legs and its tailed flicked back and forth against his ankle.

"Did you know my life was forfeit the moment I stepped foot on Midgard?" Loki said. "The penalty for invading Midgard for conquest is death. Odin is a good king… not like I… he is not clouded by such sentimental drivel as kin networks or family titles. From the time I accepted the Titan's mission, my life was over. If I failed, Thanos would not rest until he made me pay with my life. If I succeeded, then I could look forward to Asgard's retribution. I wonder, sometimes, which would have been the most vehement?

"All that was before Asgard's crown prince fell victim to my failed invasion. Now, well, I might find the greatest mercy at the hand of Midgard's warriors. At least their punishments would not likely last longer than a century. I've thought, more than once, about turning myself in to SHIELD simply to see the look on Director Fury's face and so I could let Midgard deal with its own problems. I could settle myself comfortably in a cell and pretend I know nothing of what is to come. I doubt even the most creative Midgardian torments would compare to what Thanos or Asgard has planned for me."

He drew himself out of the corner, but only far enough that a single beam of light from the gap in one of the curtains fell across his face and he fondly stroked his hand through the Flerkin's fur.

"Almost convincing… and a startling confession… but not what is really bothering you. Try again."

He sighed and sank back away from the light of the window, back into the safety of the corner. She could hardly see his expression, so well did he hide himself away. However, she did not need to see his face to sense the tenor of emotion, the timbre of thought beneath his words.

"Will you grant me no reprieve, Jane? Must you drag every one of my secrets into the light of day? Only yesterday, you so aptly accused me of so many of my faults… then once the remedy was placed in my hands, you refused me to use it. It is an unimaginable cruelty of fate. For a moment, I could undo all my greatest regrets. For a single moment, Thor lived again and I could return home other than in chains. Then the moment passed and I find my reality tastes even more bitter than it did before the Time Stones honeyed promises. It is as if I have blood on my hands for a second time and it is nearly worse than the first. At least, in the moment, I did not understand the implications of my actions. Now, knowing well the reality I created, I chose to let it remain as is. I am guilty twice over of all my misdeeds and I find myself even more particularly loathsome than usual."

It was Jane's turn to remain silent. She didn't think words would really help. Not now. She didn't think breakfast would, either, but she understood what Shuri had meant. She needed to stay where she was, even if she couldn't really fix anything.

She immediately regretted her tirade in the tunnel the night before. It's not that she regretted addressing what happened in Puente Antiguo. She didn't. She needed to know. In their past conversations, they had such a mountain of conflicts to work through that she had never gotten the chance to even get around to the very beginning… to her first exposure to Loki as the hand behind the Destroyer. Yet, her motivation in bringing it up had been to push him away out of her own anger and sense of vulnerability. Rather than protecting herself, she had only transferred her vulnerability onto him… and opened up raw wounds just in time for the Time Stone to flood them with lemon juice. Now he was smarting with the sting of it all over again.

Loki pushed the hair back from his face and let his head rest on one knee. He shifted his weight around so one leg lay flat on the floor and she could finally see his face completely.

"In Asgard, we use a serpent to symbolize death. The venom that drips from the fangs of death is the bitterness of heart that can accompany the loss of one truly loved and valued. We have a saying in Asgard about being 'tied under a serpent.' It refers to the time of bereavement and how one is nearly enslaved to grief… long after the beloved is lost. Aesir have been known to go mad when death's venom is poured onto their breast. It is even worse when those of us endowed with magic are 'tied under the serpent.' Our powers are so intertwined with our emotions that mages have been known to shake the earth itself with their grief."

"I suppose it's a good thing that your magic is bound then, at least for Wakanda."

Loki's wry laugh was absent all humor. "Indeed. We can thank the Norns for that. I do not believe our hosts would be well-pleased if I tore down their palace in a fit of temper."

"I'll bet you were a handful as a kid. Did you light the palace in Asgard on fire when Thor stole your favorite toy?"

This time Loki's chuckle was genuine, though it did not linger long and vanished almost as soon as it appeared. "Once or twice," he answered.

"Were you close? Growing up, I mean."

"Nigh inseparable. We were close in years and until maturity, we did everything together. Even into manhood, we were not often parted. It was not until… later… and much passed between us that our mutual companionship grew strained."

"What happened… I mean… if you don't mind telling me."

"I will tell it, if you wish it. You may be the sole hearer who more readily believes my truths than my lies. More often than not, I have found my audiences less receptive and more preferential to the view of reality they prefer to keep tight hold of."

When she motioned for him to continue, his posture relaxed more than she had seen it since she came upon him in his room.

"Thor and I were born three Harvest Seasons ago, only a handful of years between us and…"

"Wait, what's a Harvest?"

"Oh. I had forgotten. Midgardians, with your short lifespans and fragile biology, must reproduce like rabbits or their entire species would go extinct within a century. With as readily as your people succumb to disease, famine, injury, and age, it is a wonder Midgardians survive at all. If Aesir reproduced as quickly as Midgardians, all Asgard would be overrun within a hundred years and the realm would utterly collapse."

"Loki…"

"Fine, fine. Every five hundred years, Asgard celebrates what they call their 'Harvest Season.' This is a hundred-year sacred season set apart for marriages, births, raising of the young, peace, and celebrations. The long-distance traders keep to their homes, the warriors set down their arms, and the politicians preside over rituals rather than armies. The next generation is born and raised to full strength, Asgard rests and renews, and all is set for the successive generation of life."

"Are you telling me that Asgard only has weddings…and births… twice a millennium?"

"Of course. We celebrate our marriages when it is possible for our women to bear children. All Aesir women of child-bearing years become fertile during the Harvest Season in conjunction with the rising and setting of one of our moons. The Harvest Season is declared upon the first pregnancy and it ends with the last birth. After a Harvest Season ends, there will be no more children until the next season."

"So, they basically have a mating season and all the women go into heat."

"Crude, Jane, but it captures the truth of the matter."

"I think I like the laying eggs thing better… sorry, sorry… you were telling me about you and your brother and I got distracted. Don't look at me like that. I'll try to hold my questions, but that was kinda an important detail."

Loki gave an indulgent sigh. "I suppose. Well, you should know that after the Harvest, the cycle of life on Asgard resumes as it was before. The traders return to their travels, the warriors to battle, the politicians to their thrones and great halls, and the children grow to full maturity by two hundred years of age… though they are not considered full members of society until their next Harvest.

"So, as I said, Thor and I were together very nearly always and grew together as close as brothers could be. In play and lessons, we shared all. We were not forced apart until we reached our two hundredth year. To understand, you must know that Asgardian elites will often marry off their children before their first Harvest season as a political alliance. Typically, they will seek a spouse of high rank from one of the other realms can train their youth in the art of marriage and politics, trade, and the customs of their people. In this manner, the youth is prepared for their first Harvest and can acquire a spouse of higher rank than they would have otherwise. In the case of Thor and I, it was considered imperative for our education and the beginnings of future alliances between realms."

"That's where the elf girl came in?"

"Yes, Jane, though I would not call such an honored woman a 'girl.'"

"How old was she, then?"

"Over 4000, so still quite young for her kind. I should add that the Light Elves never age and may live for tens of thousands of years.

"Thor's first wife was the widow of a renowned General and the daughter of the Principal Ruler of Alfheim. She was a lovely woman-very soft-hearted and kindly. She looked every inch the Elven princess. However, by our first official Harvest Season, she succumbed to The Wasting and joined the halls of her ancestors."

"What is that?"

"The Wasting? Elves, by nature, mate for life. The bond between mates is intense, so much so, they can feel the emotions of their mate even if separated across the realms. If a mate dies in battle, the other will shortly follow. They simply waste away and no magic or healer can prevent it. While Thor's wife could perform her duties as wife admirably, she could not bear him children nor form the same kind of bond she had with her deceased husband. As her Wasting grew worse, she left Asgard and returned to the halls of her father for the remainder of her life."

"That's so depressing."

"I suppose."

Loki's familiar smirk played across his face when he saw Jane's expression and how hard she was holding back her desire to ask him a myriad of follow up questions. She knew she was as transparent in that moment as he was and so she laughed at herself, all the while making a mental checklist of topics to ask more about in future.

"So, you and Thor got married and got sent to separate realms," she prodded.

"Aye, though it is more complicated than that. Thor, as the elder and crowned prince, married first and was given the more prestigious wife. Thor stayed on Alfheim for almost a hundred years before he returned to continue his education and duties on Asgard. During his time on Alfheim, his wife taught him all the ways of her people and realm. Even when she returned with him to Asgard, she continued her role as First Royal Wife and taught him how to please a woman and behave as a proper husband in court… or she tried to. Thor was such a stubborn oaf that she truly did have a time of it.

"When Thor married, it was the first time I was ever truly jealous of my brother. It stemmed not because of the lady herself, though I have often thought since we would have been better suited in temperament. No, it was due to Thor's position in Alfheim and in the royal family of the Elven lords. He had access to the greatest mages in the Nine Realms and could have spent his allotted century learning all he could from their exclusive libraries and masters of magic. Instead, he frittered away his days complaining of their lack of proper warriors and how bored he was. It hardly seemed fair.

"Then I was sent off to Vanaheim where I found the interests of the Vanir just as tedious and they were hardly more impressed with me. Already Thor's reputation carried greater respect than mine and they would have preferred their princess married the elder son of Odin."

"So you were married, too?"

"Aye. It was only a few years later when I was wed to a Angrboda. She was a pretty Vanir princess who had only seen four more centuries than myself. I did not fault the All-Father and All-Mother for their choice in First Wife. They chose well, at least on the surface. We were so similar - quick minds, fiery tempers, loyal to a fault, and passionate about all we put our minds to. We were both young and discovering what it meant to be lovers, to be royalty, to be adults of society.

"For the first few hundred years, we blossomed together. When we completed our tenure on Vanaheim, she agreed to follow me to Asgard and I was delighted she chose to continue our marriage contract and stay by my side. Thor had already returned to Asgard and I eagerly looked forward to joining him there again.

"Angrboda's companionship was even more desirable to me in Asgard. She was beautiful, captivating, and mesmerizing and she quickly became a favorite of the Aesir. We joined forces for Asgard and learned to play the game of politics together. Many a secret she scurried out and utilized. Many a politician came into power through her alliance and support. Many a law grew out of her tireless efforts.

"We were happy, but it could not last. We have a saying on Asgard: 'two suns will scorch the earth,' meaning, there needs be a sun and a moon, day and night, and any joining of peoples needs to include different skill sets to create balance. Angrboda and I shared our weaknesses as surely as we shared our strengths and we scorched the earth with the strength of two suns.

"She grew hungry and discontent. Her own avarice and limitless lust for power grew to rob her of any appreciation of what she had and turned her eyes to what she did not. Her lusts and insecurities influenced my own and our shared weaknesses were multiplied in each other's company.

"One day, she showed signs of being with child. It shook us both greatly. It was still two hundred years until the next Harvest, barely a hundred and fifty years into our marriage. It should not have been possible, even for a Vanir, as they are close kindred cousins to the Aesir and their Harvests parallel ours closely. The only possible genetic mixes that produce such circumstances are when the mother has Midgardian or Jotun blood. In either case, it is rather shocking revelation for both the mother and her offspring. The court of Asgard was rightly scandalized.

"Palace gossip was not kind to her and assumptions of her heritage began to be whispered about. While her father was the king of Vanaheim, her mother was his third wife and one of a large number of Vanir queens. Her mother never revealed any tales of unusual parentage to her daughter and had since joined the Halls of her Ancestors. It would not have been obvious to the king as he only visited his queens irregularly- he had so many to keep track of, he could hardly be bothered as long as they pleased him.

"Later inquiries discovered Angrboda's grandmother, Skadi, was of Jotunheim and was claimed as bride by a Vanir chief during a past era when interactions between realms were still permitted. Angrboda, the only daughter of her mother, was born during the Harvest before the Ice War so no one suspected her mother of other origins and the peoples of Vanaheim had less distaste for the Jotnar than the Aesir harbored since the Ice War.

"Angrboda felt overcome with shame and chose to remain in seclusion. Then, when she bore our daughter, we knew something was wrong. She came too early and was born too small. She did not last a year before she joined our ancestors and we grieved deeply. Angrboda was doubly devastated.

"After that, she threw herself even more forcefully into her political schemes. She determined that I needed to gain more respect and prestige and encouraged me to train more fiercely, to increase my skills as a warrior, and accompany Thor more often on his quests. I complied simply to make her happy, though I much preferred to stay at home and keep to my books and studies of magic.

"She grew impossible to please. No matter how hard I worked, how I schemed, how I fought, I could no longer earn her favor. Instead of continuing as my companion and helpmate, she grew to be a constant goad in my side. She publicly scorned what she deemed as my weaknesses and compared me mercilessly to the other Aesir warriors – most especially to Thor. I sought to protect myself under my own shield of silence and sarcasm, but the constant comparison to my brother made my jealousy burn like a fire. It was difficult enough for the All-Father and all Asgard to constantly wish me to be as Thor -but for Angrboda, who once claimed to love me, it was a dagger to the gut.

"When she chose to share my bed again, she immediately conceived. She had no reason to fear the eyes of Asgard on her this time as it was well-known that Vanir's Harvest had begun. Thus, she could walk in pride as our child grew. Yet, when Angrboda gave birth to a stillborn son after only three years gestation, instead of the customary seven, she fell into hysterics and nearly had to be restrained in her grief.

"She was shamed despicably by the Aesir and ostracized for their allegations on her ancestry. They blamed the loss on her Jotun heritage… and her subsequent rages… and she could not escape the whispers and rumors that trailed her every movement, day and night. This cut her heart out of her breast and multiplied her griefs till it was more than she could bear.

"Despite my empty words of support, I failed to truly be the husband that she required, too caught up in my own schemes and insecurities. I said words I ought not have – though hers were little better.

"One night, she flew into such a rage she nearly tore apart our wing of the palace. She forbid me to be in her presence again and spoke such words as I would never repeat in the presence of my worst enemy. Eir, the head healer, recommended I spend some time away from her to help her calm.

"Thus, I finally accomplished my long-sought goal and travelled to Alfheim. I studied under some of the elven mages and immersed myself in the study of magic utterly. After so much political intrigue and grief, I did not wish to join in the politics of the elven elite in the capital and withdrew to the countryside. I obtained a small cottage in the mountains, hid my identity and stayed to myself except when I sought the instruction of my tutors.

"I paid frequent visits to Asgard and wished greatly to assist my wife in her healing, as I did still care for her, but she refused me again and again. I received reports of her behaving erratically, flying into tempers, and sometimes refusing to leave her chambers for days and other times refusing to return to her chambers to rest for far longer. Yet she would not speak to me and sent me away each time I sought her company or tried to make amends.

"I spent another decade or so on Alfheim in this manner before I received a surprise visit from my wife in the royal city. She came in her finest of clothes, overflowing with joy and affection to see me, despite her refusal to so much as speak to me for years. She said she 'longed to tour Alfheim' with me and I thought perhaps she was genuine and reconciliation was possible.

"She flew into a rage with me when I refused to bed her soon after. I told her I did not wish to give her more grief. She began to curse at me and blame me for all our troubles and profess her wish I was more like my brother. She declared I was a shame to all Asgard and Asgard was better off without me and so many other words, which I will not repeat now. The insecurities I once shared with her in deepest of confidence now became weapons in her hands. It became obvious to me that whatever love she may have once held for me had been destroyed through her grief.

"When Angrboda stormed out and returned to Asgard, I was at a loss. I followed after her in an attempt to make amends but she refused me. In a few months' time, I discovered the reason she had first sought me out. She was with child and sought to pass it off as mine. Angrboda determined she would be with the child's father instead of with me but this proved complicated."

"Why?" Jane asked.

"Because Thor was the father."

"What!"

"Thor was beautiful and beloved by all- too beloved, as it turned out, with my beautiful and charismatic wife. She was as gifted in her words as I ever was and she cast me in the worst possible lights. While some of her accusations may have been deserved, others were entirely fabricated, but for all her faults, she was held in higher esteem than I and her word carried more weight across Asgard.

"Angrboda took full advantage of the situation to advance her own standing in the House of Odin. I never held it against Thor. It was not in his nature to be distrustful or conniving or even to willingly betray his warrior-companions. He was ever convinced that he was the golden savior seeking to comfort the lady wronged by his mercurial and neglectful younger brother. According to her, it was I who used dark magic to make her conceive outside of the Harvest in order to shame her and it was I who then kept her womb from bearing viable fruit. It was I who then abandoned her and ran away to Alfheim to seek 'elven maids' and failed to fulfill my oaths to my wife. Of course, Thor believed her for they all knew I could not be trusted.

"Thor proved so adept at comforting my wife that she carried his child, though she never did inform him his parentage. Till the end, she claimed the babe was mine, even while she sought to be done with me entirely.

"When I followed her back to Asgard, she orchestrated a plot which would make it appear I sought to take the life of my brother. The penalty of this would have been my life imprisonment or death- either of which would have led to her release from our marriage contract and she would be free to pursue marriage with Thor.

"However, her plot failed. Confessions of a pair of servants proved her undoing. When it was discovered that she was the one behind the schemes, she slit her own throat in the night and the guards found her dead at dawn, healthy baby boy nearly at full term within her womb.

"Behind closed doors, Asgard said it was her Jotun blood that made her run mad and made her do evil. Of course- what could be expected from such a woman? For a long time, I believed them.

"The grief, the anger- it was all too much for any of us to bear. I left for Alfheim again where I could grieve without the gossip and expectations and watchful eyes all around me. There, in my small cottage in the mountains, I hid away from it all. No more comparisons with my brother, no more accusations from an angered wife, and no parents to perpetually disappoint. I reveled in the quiet and the stillness. No one else save me and my servant girl and the occasional peddler selling wares from the city.

"And that, Lady Jane, is partially how my relationship with my brother began to grow strained. He never did quite extricate Angrboda's lies from his perceptions of me and I never quite managed to set aside my jealousy. It was during my time in Alfheim that my reputation was sealed entirely."

"What happened?"

"Simple. I decided I preferred to stay in Alfheim rather than return to Asgard. Thor could not understand it. 'All those tricks are not honorable or beneficial to anyone,' he claimed. He summoned me back to Asgard again and again for petty, meaningless quests I wished not to go on and he would not let me refuse him."

Jane looked at him quizzically and then shook her head. "You didn't stay on Alfheim for your studies of magic, did you?"

"Nay, Lady Jane. I did not… but Thor did not know of my true reasons. It would have truly been a scandal, then," he said, flashing her a brief glance of mischief, but one undergirded with a deep sadness. "It was in Alfheim that I took my second wife and raised a pair of sons."

"What was so scandalous about that?"

"Oh, Jane – haven't you learned? Everything I do involves some manner of scandal and intrigue?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah. I'm getting that."

"You remember how I told you the All-Father banished all travels to Midgard during my time on Alfheim?"

"Yes."

"Midgardians were also not permitted on any of the other realms."

Jane's eyes grew wide at what he implied. "You married a Midgardian… human?"

"Aye, though it was technically not a proper marriage as such an alliance was forbidden at the time. I suppose I have Thor's dalliances in Wakanda to thank for that."

"Wait, why was there a human on Alfheim?"

"She was born there, though not legally. Her mother had been captured illegally by an elf who was conducting his underground business in Midgard, long after the All-Father's prohibition. The woman had been with child, but the elf had not noticed (or had not cared). He stole the woman away and brought her to Alfheim with him. She bore the child there and raised her among the elves. When the child grew to maidenhood, her owner sent her as a gift to me.

"It was early into my first stay in Alfheim when the chief of the village at the base of the mountain sent me Sigyn as a gift in tribute to show his thanks for some favor I did on his behalf. I could not refuse for to refuse such a gift would have been terribly offensive but neither did I wish to keep her. However, she knew nothing of Midgard and had no wish to return there. Setting her adrift on Alfheim would only ensure some other home would capture her, so I offered her a position as head housekeeper of my properties on Alfheim. She eagerly accepted and proved a quiet, capable little thing.

"She kept a garden and sang to herself and minded my holdings admirably so I let her be. Though simple and illiterate, she was determined to be happy with her lot in life. She had a natural kindness about her where she could not stand to see a sparrow felled without shedding tears and seeking to intervene. She constantly sought to bring kindness and good to those around her- including to me, though I little deserved it.

"Until Angrboda's death, Sigyn merely kept my cottage for me, tended my affairs when I was away, and made sure the fire was warm and food prepared when I returned. She never knew my real name or position. When I next returned, I was a man lost and distraught, tied firmly beneath the serpent's fangs. With her large heart, she could not bear to see me sad and made it her personal mission to bring me comfort.

"She succeeded. In the depths of my grief, she shone through as hearth fire on a winter's night. Many a late night, she held me as I wept and sang to me till I slept. When I woke, she listened day and night as I spoke of the woman I had lost, the brother I felt betrayed me, and the children I would never know. She planted a tree in honor of each and remembered each their names, long after all Asgard had forgotten them.

"Within a few years in her company, I shook the earth with my grief less and less. She kept the serpent's venom from dripping upon my heart and scorching my soul. She never required anything of me but simply granted me her gentle presence and her warmth of affection that seemed to fill the entirety of that cottage.

"I feared I would lose it all one day when she told me she was with child. I barely slept for months, despite her assurances, for she said I had naught to worry over. I was afraid that she would also be stolen by the serpent as surely as Angrboda had been.

"Within a matter of months – ah, Midgardians are a wonder in this! Within a matter of months, she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy. Despite my fears, both mother and child lived. He grew so quickly. His mortal blood proved strong and so his childhood was over long before an Aesir would have learned to walk. Only a few years later, Sigyn gave me a second son.

"Jane, they were so beautiful. My family. I can't express the joy of waking up to their small hands upon my face, their voices calling my name, and Sigyn's quiet songs filling the hearth. I have never been so happy or at peace.

"In Alfheim, I learned to garden, to work with my hands, and lived predominately as a commoner. In many ways, it suited me better than all the gilded halls of Asgard.

"But it could not last. Even as I could feel the shortness of their mortal lives pressing upon me and threatening to steal my breath away with theirs, I received a call from Asgard that my time of mourning should be long over and I was to return to my duties as second prince. I could delay the command of Thor for a time, but I could not ignore that of the All-Father. When Odin blamed me for 'shirking my responsibilities to play with my magic' and threatened to find me himself, I knew had no choice.

"It was during this time that all travel to Midgard had been abolished and all dalliances with mortals made a punishable offence- for the good of the Midgardians, of course. I dared not share with whom I truly spent my days for fear that I would be permanently separated from them. So, I kept them secret, and I slipped away from Asgard whenever I could.

"I could not help but feel bitter as silly quest after silly quest called me away from them- sometimes for as long as a year or two at a time. I was often castigated for my ill-humors when in Asgard, which grew out of my anxiousness to return to Alfheim. I was also accused of having an 'unnatural desire to practice my magic instead of pursuing warriors' skills on Asgard.'

"As second prince, I was obligated to stay. How I chafed at the game of politics then! All I wished was to finish my tasks as quickly as possible so I could return home. Thus, I sought efficacy over honor and this led to the Aesir's claim to my 'dishonorable ways.' But when they called me to solve a problem, solve it I did. I felt a tool, a disposable object in the hands of Asgard- to be used and then thrown away as required.

"The first day I saw Sigyn had grown grey hair, I nearly wept and refused to return to Asgard ever again. I sought as many magical charms and spells as I could to maintain her life. It worked. She lived for two hundred years and our children lasted a few hundred longer. But even I cannot stop mortality and she succumbed to the jaws of the serpent at last. It was then I felt my heart truly break.

"Who could stop the venom from striking my soul then? Who would keep the nightmares away? No, the vicious poison, the depth of mortality and loss, would slash through my soul and I would shake the grounds with my cries as the venom struck home.

"All Alfheim heard me weep the night Sigyn took her last breath in my arms and joined the Halls of her Ancestors. I sat under her trees for months, refusing to speak or eat until my sons forced me out of my stupor. They filled my arms with their children and, later, their grandchildren and I could not succumb entirely to grief with the small hands and full smiles of my descendants filling my heart.

"They could never be aristocracy, but I always felt they were happier as they were- people of the land and forests and streams. I envied them, at times, for their freedom and simplicity. However, I was bound to the golden spires of the Realm Eternal and must forever work as her knave.

"Eventually, my duties in Asgard required more of my time and my visits to Alfheim grew fewer and fewer till I doubt any of my kin who know my face remain."

"Did you ever tell your family?" Jane asked.

"Never. For a prince to take as wife a mortal and a slave is a shame such as none would allow, especially in light of the All-Father's banishment of such behaviors. My family on Alfheim also remained oblivious to my identity. I never spoke a word of my kin to Sigyn or her children."

"Why?"

"For what reason? Nothing sours a relationship as politics and power and ambition. I wished for peace and that is what we had. We would have had naught but turmoil and shame if I brought her with me to Asgard or if they sought to be recognized at court."

"I am guessing it would not have gone well if Thor brought me back with him to Asgard," Jane observed.

Loki smirked. "I would not assume so… though I would wish to be there to see the All-Father's displeasure if Thor attempted it."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Of course, you would."

"Though, it is Thor, and he had a way of bending rules in his favor. He would probably overthrow the All-Father's decree, declare it no longer a scandal, and that would be that."

Jane shook her head and sighed. "So, what happened then?"

"Ah, yes. There was little else for me to do but but haunt the gilded halls of Asgard as second prince. They wished for me to play the game of politics, the game I would play. If I could not escape it, I determined I would play better than all others. But it is an empty, meaningless game and one which no one can truly win.

"I knew the hypocrisy of the Aesir court and delighted to expose it. I knew their whispered lies and shouted falsehoods and wielded well-timed truths as weapons. I could spin more intricate webs of intrigue than any other, though it felt as though it sucked the life from my bones."

"It sounds like a game of chess but with people's lives."

"Indeed, it is."

"Among those of royalty, more politics are accomplished in the bedchamber than the council room or merchant fair. What cannot be accomplished with an edict or treaty can often be accomplished through bloodline. I tired of being sought as a political tool, a stepping stone to achieve the great ambitions of some courtier or another. They came with warm bodies, flattering words, and cold hearts, ready to use and be used - if it would further their great and mighty aims. Many a courtier sought my presence simply in an attempt to gain a claim to my brother's.

"Thor was more than eager to utilize my dishonorable methods to grant him victory, and then the first to castigate me for not upholding Aesir ideals. Thor, and all Asgard, never quite forgave me for not being exactly as Thor.

"I gained more compassion for my first wife the day I saw my skin turn Jotun blue. I understood her rage, her fear, her doubts, her self-loathing. I understood how quickly she could descend into madness. I sought to prove my worth, to prove the opposite, to prove I could fulfill the ideals of the Aesir, but I failed, as I had ever done."

"Then you ended up with Thanos."

"As you know. I am sure there is many a quest and slain dragon and bested diplomat in the interim, but as the most elemental outline of my relationship with both my brother and realm, it is adequate. It has been a constant fruitless chase to step out of my brother's shadow, to prove myself to be anything other than what I am expected to be, and to make my voice heard in a room full of stopped ears. Even now, I seek to fill the roles he once so easily carried."

"You really have been living with layers and layers of masks, haven't you? It's a wonder you can keep up with all the different versions of yourself you have been juggling."

He considered this for a moment before he nodded. "I suppose that is an apt description. My entire life has always been made up of layers of deceptions. It is hard to know where the truth begins and the lies end… and which version of Loki is sought in a particular situation. How could any other know the truth when not even I was knowledgeable of it?"

He fell silent and thoughtful again, though the despondency of earlier seemed to have lifted, or at least lessened. She could still see the weight of old sorrows in his uncharacteristically unmasked expression and she wondered how she had ever seen him as young. He carried a thousand years of life on his shoulders and she was just beginning to recognize the fractures and schisms he was so adept at hiding.

"Thank you. For telling me. All this," she said, trying to infuse as much earnestness into her tone as she could muster. "It's kinda been like excavating through a mountain to get here, but I'm glad to know the layers… some of them, anyway. However, I think I prefer seeing you without any masks."

"You would be the only one, then."

She shrugged.

"My entire life, I've struggled to keep pace with my brother and follow the example he sets. I do not know myself without Thor as a measure of comparison. What is a shadow without the sun to cast it?"

"That's just it. You aren't Thor."

"A truth I have been reminded of my entire life."

"Oh, stop. This time, I mean it as a compliment. Thor had his good parts, but he was also an arrogant jerk when I first met him and I can't imagine he was all that easy to be around all the time. Not that hanging out with you exactly is a walk in the park, but you get my point."

Loki's burst of laughter was genuine at that and the following smile did not leave his face so soon.

"You've got a millennium worth of drama to work through. I think it's more than could be fixed with a magic rock."

His smile fell, but he nodded. "It is easier to cling to the hope of an easier remedy than having to face the consequences of my decisions indefinitely. The Time Stone presented such an elegant solution."

"Yeah, most of us don't have portable time machine rocks to help us solve all our problems in the snap of our fingers."

"But it would prove so very efficacious."

"Yeah, I know. You are all about that. Speaking of efficiency – it's nearly eleven. If you eat your breakfast now, you could call it both breakfast and lunch."

Loki laughed. "You are right."

He pulled himself out of his corner to kneel on the floor in front of the table. The breakfast, which had long since gone cold, was reheated and shared between them and the hungry, wandering mouth of the Flerkin.

Author's Note: March 29, 2022. Well, I have reorganized and rewritten swathes of this story and added a great many new scenes.

Note, I refer to Norse mythology extensively throughout this chapter... though, it's a very 'loosely-inspired' interpretation.