Wintersend 3

Night had fallen over Skyhold although even now the castle kept buzzing like a beehive. The work in the kitchen never seemed to be finished, in the great hall the nobles chatted their time away while in the Herald's Rest the common folk did the same although with more noise and probably more fun. And of course you could only drag Dagna out of the Undercroft with mild violence and even then she kept on prattling about runes and artefacts and all sorts of magical experiments till she drove everyone around her crazy. Usually the Iron Bull pushed a mug of ale into her enthusiastically gesticulating hands, grumbling words like, 'Shut up woman, drink this and do something dwarfish for a change.'

The only relatively quiet spot in the whole castle was the garden, especially at this time of day, and Cullen, Josephine and Leliana liked to gather in the gazebo after dinner to discuss the situation and talk about the daily occurrences. So they did this evening. Several fires were burning in cast iron pots to bring warmth on the cold evening and a few oil lamps and candles spread soft cosy light. Spring had also reached this secluded part of Skyhold; around the stone well daffodils were blooming and the small trees seemed to vibrate with life, ready to unfold their fresh leaves.

'I have a room prepared for Lady Hawke,' said Josephine while she filled three glasses with red wine from a decanter, 'I understand she's travelling with the Inquisitor. I wouldn't like her to take refuge in one of the dilapidated rooms on the battlement like the last time she was here.'

Leliana giggled softly. 'I'm curious to know how the encounter between her and Cassandra went.'

'Oh, I'm sure our Seeker hasn't devoured her,' Josephine said optimistically.

'No, but I wish I could have been there just to see Varric's reaction. I bet he hovered around Hawke like a mother hen around her chick, scowling at Cassandra and defying her to make just one wrong move.'

Cullen said nothing. Hawke was a part, a significant one, of his memories of that horrible night Kirkwall fell apart and he wasn't certain he was pleased to meet with her again. In a way she symbolised the failures of the part of his life he so much wanted to forget, the part he wished he never had to live. It was for a great deal due to her actions his eyes had opened that night and he finally saw Meredith for the dangerous lunatic she had become. He still felt guilty about how he ever so often had turned his head and had told himself even the excessive measures had been necessary to keep the people of Kirkwall safe. All the people except the mages, because we didn't consider them people, he thought remorsefully, I didn't consider them people back then. And besides that, he remembered all too well how he had gone on in the Gallows Courtyard about the danger of magic years earlier, how he had stated in Hawke's face mages were not be treated like human beings and could turn into monsters any moment just because they were mages, knowing very well at that point she was a mage herself. And all that after she had been such a great help and had assisted him without a second thought. He might have been a different man back then, he nevertheless still felt ashamed thinking of that scene.

'I received a report about Adamant Fortress,' Leliana's voice cut through his contemplations, 'as Stroud already assumed Erimond has fled there. It looks like he has Commander Clarel in his clutches and through her he wields his, or rather Corypheus's influence over the other Wardens. We should intervene as fast as possible so I fear your Wintersend celebration has to wait for a while, Josy.'

'I thought it a bad idea anyhow,' Cullen grumbled. He was in a bad mood and not only because he had been plagued by old memories. The whole day he had been looking forward to Evelyn's return but she hadn't arrived yet. He worried something had happened but hadn't vented his concern out of fear the others would laugh at him. He had been teased enough as it was already. 'We're in the middle of a war,' he added morosely, 'this is no time for celebrations.'

'On the contrary, my dear Commander,' Josephine waylaid him with her voice that radiated nothing but cheerfulness, 'in times like these people need a diversion. It's important to steer their minds away from death and danger once in a while.'

Leliana sipped from her red wine. 'I totally agree with you, Josephine. A Wintersend party will be good for morale. Perhaps we should celebrate before we march on Adamant anyway; I imagine it will take at least a week to organize the attack and set it all into motion. We have time for a celebration. Yes,' she mused, slowly swirling the wine around in her glass, 'it will be good for morale.' It earned her a defiant snort.

'Morale is already outstanding. I don't see how a party could contribute,' Cullen protested with a generous amount of indignation.

'That's a pity,' a voice chimed from behind his back, 'and here I was hoping for a dance with our Commander.'

Cullen jumped up so fast his chair toppled over. For a mage Evelyn certainly moved with stealth. He spun around to face her and for a few moments didn't know what to say. 'There you are,' he managed and felt utterly silly for it. 'Are you alright?' he added which was no improvement. 'I, I mean I was starting to worry. You wrote you would arrive today.' It sounded like an accusation and he wanted to slap himself. Maker! Read once more the manual "How Not to make a Fool of Myself" and take lessons, you idiot, he chastised himself. To his relief Evelyn laughed. In his ears it sounded like a splash of summer rain.

'And I did, as you can see,' the Inquisitor chortled, 'although I don't think Dorian will forgive me in a hurry for dragging him over the last pass in the dark. He was still complaining when we reached the gates.'

'In the dark? That's far too dangerous!' Cullen said shocked. In the meantime he busied himself with picking up the chair, ignoring the amused chuckles from Leliana and Josephine and making an attempt at calming down his racing heart.

'Yes, that's what Dorian kept telling me but we made it all in one piece, didn't we. And I really didn't feel like camping out in the cold, not with Skyhold so tantalizing close by.' She gave him a radiant smile. 'And you,' she added with a warm timbre. The term "sultry" sprang to mind and Cullen almost dropped the chair he but just had erected. Without thinking he stretched out his hand to, as the gentleman he was, help her to step into the gazebo. She took his proffered hand and in a sudden impulse he pulled her close and embraced her tightly for a heartbeat. The usual exciting tingle turned into a burning fire and he let go off her before he would lose his self-control and start to kiss her passionately in front of the two other women. 'You must be tired,' he said hoarsely, 'please, take my seat.' He not only offered her his chair but his glass of wine as well. Evelyn gratefully accepted both; she sat down and took a sip.

'Where did you leave the rest of your party?' Leliana informed.

'I only know Varric was in dire need of a strong drink,' Evelyn said after another swallow, 'and he dragged Hawke with him to the tavern. I suppose Dorian has fled to his room to find solace in his books and a bottle of wine after what he called "that suicide traverse". Highly exaggerated of course but that's Dorian for you. I don't know where Cassandra went. Probably in search for a bath which I will do too after I have finished this glass. I'm afraid it will take at least two hours to scrub off all the filth. I take it you have received the information we were able to gather?'

The spymaster nodded. 'That and Stroud has sent important intelligence about Adamant Fortress.'

'There arrived a message from Kirkwall addressed to Lady Hawke,' Josephine interfered, 'I will have it delivered to her immediately.'

But Evelyn rose from her chair. 'No need. I will bring it to her before I take my bath.' She shot Cullen another bright smile. 'Shall we meet again afterwards? Here in the gazebo maybe? There's something I want to give to you.'

'I'd like that,' Cullen said. Aglow with happiness he stared after her as she waltzed out off the garden.

'Aren't you going to read it?' asked Varric, indicating the small folded piece of paper that had been pushed into Hawke's hand by the Inquisitor herself; the woman had popped up and disappeared at almost the same moment. 'Sorry, bath is waiting,' had been her only vague explanation. Varric didn't care about her ablutions at all, he was practically bouncing with curiosity about the message she had delivered. That was the only thing that mattered and Hawke had acted insufferably uninterested up till now.

'Yes, but preferably not here,' she now said, 'isn't there somewhere quiet?' They were surrounded by people talking loudly, people singing loudly and other people playing dice even more loudly. Not exactly a place to read a private message and preferably try to keep it private.

'Let's go to my room,' Varric proposed. They left the Herald's Rest, crossed the courtyard and ascended the long flight of stairs that led to the Great Hall. Varric opened the entrance to his apartment, let Hawke in and closed the door behind their backs. While he poured her a glass of rare Orlesian cognac she looked around and smiled at some familiar features. The large table in the middle of the room, the liquor cabinet, the dwarven sculptures on the wall, the pack of cards on the table. She almost felt at home.

'It makes me think of your suite in the Hanged Man,' she remarked airily, masking the sudden bittersweet wave of nostalgia that hit her.

'That was the idea,' Varric said, 'although back there I had very rarely access to this kind of quality,' he pointed at the bottle. 'The good part of living in this place is this stuff is easy to come by, especially with an organizing miracle as our Ambassador around. The downside is they eat snails here. Can you imagine?!'

'Ach,' Hawke shrugged nonchalantly, 'they're not too bad with butter and a pinch of garlic, so I've heard.' She patted him lightly on the shoulder and picked her glass from the table. 'I know you miss Kirkwall, Varric, and that also counts for me. And thus I promise you that once this is all over we will get irresponsibly drunk in the Hanged Man together.'

'I'll hold you to that,' the dwarf mumbled, 'and will you now finally read that blighted message?! I'm burning up here!'

'It's from Aveline,' Hawke said after she had unfolded the thin paper, 'she writes she has safely escorted Carver out off Orlais and – ' She interrupted herself and then started to laugh. 'She has got him aboard Isabela's ship!' She snorted with glee. 'Well, better a pirate than a dead Grey Warden I suppose. Well done, Guard-Captain.'

And then she suddenly blanched. She dropped the paper and grabbed the edge of the table as if she was about to lose her balance.

'What's wrong?' Varric asked alarmed. At first she didn't react and he had to repeat his question. With emphasis.

'Fenris has disappeared,' she then whispered.

'What do you mean, "disappeared"?' Without asking or waiting for her permission he snatched up the message and skimmed the text until he came to the relevant part. F vanished, took all his gear. House a mess. Was in a hurry and/or very mad. "Very" had been underlined twice. Varric looked up from Aveline's firm scribble. 'What's this all about, Hawke? Why would he be mad, very mad no less? Very-underlined-twice mad?'

But she didn't answer. She had let go of the table and was now pacing the room, her hands clenched to fists. 'Damn it damn it damn it,' she kept murmuring as some kind of dark mantra.

'Hawke?' Varric pressed on. A nasty suspicion began to take form. 'Does he know where you are? Did you tell him where you were headed?' With force he suppressed a panic attack. 'Please say you did.'

'Sort of,' Hawke muttered reluctantly.

'Sort of?!'

'I left him a note, alright!'

Varric cringed. 'Ouch! You might as well have stabbed him in the back!' Hawke stopped pacing for a moment but only to take a large gulp of the costly cognac which made Varric cringe even more. 'And you sneaked out like a thief in the night,' he presumed. 'Damn it indeed.'

'I didn't have to, he wasn't at home at the time.' Tired she rubbed her face. 'I wasn't lying when I told you about the slavers along the Wounded Coast. He went ahead to scout, after I found an excuse for consulting Aveline first. I mean about the Carver-affair. I promised I would follow him as soon as I could. He believed me. Of course he did. Instead I came here.' She rattled off the sentences as if she was delivering a report in record time to an impatient captain.

'Forgive me for saying so, Hawke, but this whole business doesn't make any sense to me,' the impatient captain said harshly, 'you're acting like you've completely lost your mind. Since when do you come up with lame excuses to get away from your elf? Since when do you even want to be separated from him? There's something wrong, something you're not telling me.' He glared fiercely at her. 'You better come clear.'

Hawke plopped down in the first chair she came across. She bumped her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. For a time she didn't move and Varric had to restrain himself to shake her until she'd spill the truth. But finally she sat straight and leaned back. She dropped her hands in her lap and let out a deep sigh. 'I'm not getting any younger, Varric.'

The dwarf stared blankly at her. This left him no wiser. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'I want to become a mother!' she suddenly blurted out. 'For years I've been postponing it because there always was something that stood in the way. Too many problems, one disaster after the other. I kept telling myself there would come a proper time to have a child but that time is running out. One day soon I will wake up and find I am too late.'

'I still don't get it,' Varric said confused and a little dazed, 'are you trying to say Fenris doesn't want to be a father? Have you two been fighting over this? Is that the reason why you ran off?'

'No!' To Varric's dread there glistened tears in her eyes. 'Can't you see? I had to come here, not matter what, but he would never have agreed to let me go alone. He would have insisted on accompanying me. But you know even better than I how dangerous the situation is and you know him; he would have himself killed to protect me! And if he dies, how can he give me a child?!'

Varric got aware his mouth hung open in bafflement. With a click he shut his jaws and then cleared his throat. 'You run as much risk as he would!' he managed through his thundering confusion. Had to come here? He dismissed that for the time being. He had too much to cope with already. Heroically he parried her threatening glare and soldiered on. 'So perhaps at this point I should draw attention to the fact it's quite difficult to conceive and carry a child to term when you're dead. Let alone give birth. Quite a contradiction come to think about it. Or did you overlook that little detail?' He shook his head to get rid of the upcoming anger but only partly succeeded. 'To be honest, Hawke, I think you're acting like an enormous selfish ass.'

'I want to keep him safe!' Hawke erupted in a flurry of weak fury. Even in her ears the argument sounded silly; if there was anyone who knew how to survive and stay alive it was Fenris.

'Sounds to me the only way you want to keep him is as a stud,' Varric stated bluntly, 'and apparently you don't give a shit about his emotions. Have you even once considered how he must feel right now? Does he even know about your desire to have a child?'

Hawke looked disconcerted. 'I, er, we have talked about it. Now and again.' She bowed her head. 'When I say talk about I mean, er,'

'Sort of,' Varric completed sarcastically. 'Ah yes, some smart future-planning you can build upon, no doubt about that.' The dwarf became more agitated by the minute. 'Which brings me to the next conundrum,' he went remorselessly on, 'if you so desperately want a baby and equally desperately want Fenris to live to provide you with one, why, by the Stone, did you come here in the first place?'

Hawke roared back to life. 'To put Corypheus down!' she as good as screamed. 'That bastard is my responsibility! I found him, I set him free, I thought I killed him but I failed. He has to be destroyed! How can I even think about bringing a child into this world as long as that monster exists?!'

Varric took a few breaths in an attempt to recover his composure. 'So, summarizing, without consulting Fenris you make the unilateral decision to run away and join the Inquisition in order to sweep the world clean of Corypheus and related nasty creatures so you can safely have your longed for baby. And how do you think Fenris will react to that insane story? What, by the way, did you put in that note you left him? Can we expect shortly a,' he threw a look upon Aveline's message, 'very (twice underlined) mad elf?'

Hawke fidgeted nervously with her fingers. It was a long time since she had seen Varric so angry, not to say his anger had never been aimed at her. It was greatly unsettling. 'I wrote that Carver was doing badly and I needed to accompany him to the Anderfells,' she murmured. Her confidence, insofar present anyhow, had completely evaporated by now.

'And you thought he would buy that rubbish?' Varric cried out incredulously. 'Seriously Hawke! Are you sure you're not pregnant already? The way you've been behaving of late you could be expecting triplets!'

'Quite sure, yes,' she grumbled glumly, 'so do me a favour and pour me another cognac.'

Varric cocked his head. He had two options: go on shouting at Hawke or let it rest for the time being. He opted for the last. 'On one condition,' he said, 'you name your firstborn after me.'

For the first time in weeks Hawke burst into laughter. 'And what if it turns out to be a girl?'

Varric gave her a toothy grin. 'I always thought "Varric" to be a perfect girl's name. Well, at least my brother told me so.' Which made her laugh even louder.

But later that night, alone in a soft too large bed in a luxurious guestroom, she again lay awake for hours, tossing and turning and overwhelmed with anxiety and doubt. 'I betrayed you,' she whispered in the darkness that filled her room and her head. Mostly her head; through the window she could see the bright stars that floated like a diamond diadem over the snow-capped mountains. 'I betrayed you and I'm so sorry. But I had no choice.' She had to believe that, had to believe she made the right decision but doubt was starting to prevail even over anxiety. Varric had been right, she was an enormous selfish ass. She pushed her face into the feather pillow and tried not to cry. And she tried even harder to shut out that horrible cold voice.

I owe you the gift Evelyn had in store for Cullen; I originally planned that part to take place in this chapter but it would become too lengthy. So I decided to pass it on to the next one. Er, sorry ..?

Nevertheless, thank you much for reading!