Wintersend part 15

Yes, yes I know, I posted this one already but I was so utterly unhappy with the result that I after ample consideration decided to start anew and make some drastic changes. I like this version better, I hope you do as well.

Enjoy!

Cole had led Hawke and the spirit of Compassion, who he gently had taken by the arm to help her move adequately, if at all, to another part of the Fade where the pillars were as much a festering forest of ugly stalagmites as the place they had left behind. Anders hadn't want to come with them, declaring he didn't wish to hamper whatever they were planning though Hawke had got the impression he hadn't been very eager to accompany them to start with. Cole didn't seem too heartbroken with the mage's decision, probably because he didn't totally trust Anders. Hawke couldn't really blame him.

'I didn't know you still had friends in the Fade, Cole,' Hawke said awkwardly, watching how delicately he handled the spirit like she was made of fragile porcelain. In fact she had no clue how to react on this, even for a mage, strange situation. She had never heard of, let alone witnessed, spirits or demons fraternizing. And yet Cole hovered around the other entity as a caring and concerned – companion, to say the least. For the sake of convenience she had always assumed demons approached each other with the same sneaky wit they did humans, at best with an arrogant if not hostile undertone. She wouldn't be surprised if they crashed horns together in a display of territorial instinct. And she had come to know spirits as classic examples of egotistical beings, happily floating and scurrying through the Fade, minding their own business like senseless butterflies. Then again, she had done her utter best to avoid both kinds of creatures so she might be wrong. These were spirits of Compassion after all and there was nothing egotistical about compassion, was there?

'I never met her when I was still a spirit in the Fade,' Cole explained, 'but I felt her crying out.' He tilted his head and murmured in his usual incantation tone, 'pain and sadness, tears like shredded clouds, so much is lost, I must restore the broken memories but I am too weak, too weak...' Here Cole looked up and he seemed somewhat at a loss. 'I don´t exactly understand that part,´ he confessed, ´I always try people to let them forget their pain but she wants them to remember.' He unfolded a self-confident smile. 'But we both want to help,' he stated with concrete unwavering conviction.

´It is important, she must remember,' the other spirit whispered. She was leaning against Cole and looked even more haggard than the first time Hawke had seen her; the faint light she had emanated was gone and she was almost transparent now.

´Who has to remember what?' Hawke asked anxiously, hoping with all her might it wasn't her. She had enough disturbing memories to cope with, she didn't need any hidden ones; in this case she wholeheartedly agreed with Cole.

'The Lady that carries the Anchor,' the spirit breathed.

'She means the Inquisitor,' Cole explained helpfully but Hawke already had taken the hint. The spirit touched her with trembling near faltering fingertips and she felt a sensation like electricity wrapped in velvet tingling under her skin and surging through her veins. It spread to her head and changed into a comforting warmth and serenity that didn't fit in this place. It gave her a sense of infinite peace. It was close to what Cole had let her undergo but at the same time entirely different. She closed her eyes and gave in. 'What do you need me to do?' Her voice seemed to come from far away.

'Let me get this straight,' Cullen said, trying to get his brain around the given information, 'You came here to die?' Thankfully his head had finally stopped pounding and his eyesight wasn't blurred anymore but that didn't mean his thoughts were yet as sharp and fast as they ought to be. And somewhere behind his slowly dissolving confusion lay a little particle of information that kept pulling at his consciousness. Corypheus tried to fool the Grey Wardens by making them believe they were dying...

'Not to die as such,' Anders replied, 'I reserved the dying part for the Deep Roads, if I ever get the chance to reach them that is. No, I came here to get rid of Justice.'

'Justice..?' Cullen echoed nonplussed. And then it dawned on him. 'You mean that spirit in your – mind or something?' During all his years in Kirkwall he had never had an inkling about Anders's strange, if not dangerous condition and neither had Meredith; should that have been the case, he was quite certain the mage now standing before him would have ended up in the Gallows sooner than the Knight Commander could have uttered the sentence "catch him." Friend to the Champion or not. At that time that protection wouldn't have counted, although he was curious to know what kind of fight said Champion would have put up to save her friend. She was and always had been very loyal. It was Varric, who else, who had filled him in. It had given him a new and bright perspective about why the mage had blown up the Chantry. He could understand it better by now although understanding and forgiveness were still miles apart.

'More like a demon in the end,' Anders mumbled reproachfully in the meantime. He slapped on a brittle smile while he continued, 'But now he's gone. Thankfully. Had I known about this opportunity earlier I would have done it ages ago. But then again, nobody ever told me it was possible to come here in the flesh and I didn't have the knowledge.' Pensively he cocked his head. 'I don't think any mage does. Otherwise I would have come across the information in one tome or another. And the Maker knows I've read some quite obscure ones in my time.'

The two men were cautiously meandering along the pillars and outcrops that kept popping up around every corner or rather in real were shaping those very rocky corners. They now and again waded through shallow pools of water they didn't even want to know the consistence of. As long as the liquid didn't dissolve their limbs they were grateful. Anders was simply following the trail Hawke had left behind, not a visible trail as such mind you. Just as before he could feel her existence calling out in his mind, as if she was filling the gap Justice had left behind. He was the first to admit it sounded rather eerie and he hoped fervently it had something to do with the way they had ended up in the Fade, that is awake and physically, and with them being mages with some kind of a connection already. Cullen tagged along without protest, if only because he was convinced where Hawke was, he would find Evelyn hanging around. Or at least would find her in no time with the assistance of the Champion.

And Fenris will be there as well, Anders thought wearily. Which was the main reason he hadn't come with Hawke, Cole and the spirit. The elf would without doubt tear him apart faster than he could give the shortest of explanation for his presence in the Fade. Yes, he would die anyway but at this point he could at least decide how and since he was a Grey Warden he would like to carry on the Warden tradition of perishing in the Deep Roads. And so he had stayed behind and Cullen had accidentally stumbled into him. Or rather within a hair's breadth almost had squashed him with his unexpected and clumsy fall into this unsavoury place.

He had been intrigued by Cole, the spirit that had chosen to become near human. The spirit that had travelled to the world of the living solely to help. Notwithstanding his many years of experience with one certain spirit, he understood little of Cole's motives. They weren't evil, that much he appreciated, but then again, neither had been Justice's in the beginning. And look how that had turned out. Nevertheless he wondered what would have happened if he not had Justice but Cole dragged around all that time. After all they had influenced each other. To the devastating end. Would this spirit of compassion have become as hateful and unforgiving as the spirit of justice had? Would he also have made some kind of radical terrorist out of him or would he have given him the chance to attempt solving things more peacefully? Sadly he never would find the answer since history had decided otherwise. He had to live, for as much time life would grant him, with the biggest mistake of his life.

Cullen, who by now had fully regained his senses again, said, 'Hasn't she told you? Hasn't the Champion – hasn't Hawke told you?'

His voice almost made Anders jump and it definitely pulled him out off his contemplations. 'What? Has me told what?'

'All the Grey Wardens have been hearing the Calling. For some reason or another it seems to be Corypheus's doing.' He heaved his hands to ward off the mage's question marks showing up and crowding his face. 'Don't ask me how he did it. I only know he wants to build an unconquerable army and uses every means to fulfil that aspiration. And letting the Grey Wardens go insane by making them believe their time has come was apparently an essential part of it. We found out he wanted to win over their mages.'

Anders stopped so abruptly Cullen bumped into him and almost lost his footing. 'What?' His knees went wobbly and he sank down on a convenient piece of stone, helpfully around aplenty and probably waiting for a stunned mage to make use of them. He put a hand to his brow and flinched. Was this a deception? Was he not dying after all? Was this just some cunning and malevolent play of a creature that at all costs was willing to win the world? At the cost of numerous lives? He flinched even more intensely. Hadn't he done the same thing? He had tricked Hawke in doing his bidding. He had tricked all of his friends. He had chased them around the sewers and the lost mines to find the ingredients needed to fabricate the magical bomb he was aiming for. What was the difference? He screwed his eyes shut. The difference could perhaps be found in the impact on just Kirkwall or the whole of Thedas but in the end it was all the same. Devastation. Death. He crumbled and groaned.

'I take it you didn't know,' sounded the sensible voice of the Commander. He was watching the mage closely but couldn't find any forgery or pretence in the man's' behaviour.

Anders opened his eyes and tilted his head. His hands fell idly in his lap. ´I didn´t know.' He looked pained. ´But then again, Grey Wardens are always alert for the Calling. And ready for it. It doesn´t change much. Dying in a ferocious last heroic fight is a thing of honour. Or so we've been told.' He let out a slightly shivering sigh. 'In the end we will all have to face the truth; Wardens never die of old age. In fact we are always alert for the Calling though, of course, we'll never be eager to hear it.' He looked up at Cullen with a faint crooked smile. 'Bear in mind, Commander, it wouldn't have taken many years before it was my turn. And maybe the song of death that sounds in my mind is for real. Who can tell?' He bit his lip and crunched his face. 'On the other hand, dying for the ambitions of an old totally gone bonkers magister who seeks to become a god and doesn't care if he drags the whole of Thedas to the ground in reaching his goal is a whole different story. An unacceptable one. I don't think that chapter will stand out gloriously in the history of the Grey Wardens. I'm afraid the heroic shine will swiftly wear off.' He rubbed his brow and mumbled tiredly, 'And we were so certain we left him as a corpse in that creepy tower. He couldn't get more dead.'

Cullen regarded the man he had hated for the last four years. No, hatred was too strong a word. He had despised him which, on second thought was perhaps even worse. But he could feel neither hate nor contempt for the mage now sitting at his feet. He had once pledged he would kill him on the spot should he encounter him but now he had the opportunity he didn't feel the urge. Anders radiated some strange mix of resignation and optimism he couldn't place. There was a note of sadness in the man, of acceptance with his fate and it stilled his hand. Involuntarily he wondered what he had gone through after his extreme deed.

'Do you regret what you have done?' he suddenly blurted.

Anders's eyes narrowed and his look became intense. 'I regret many things, Cullen, as do you I suspect. But I know you´re referring at what happened that horrible night.' A corner of his mouth lifted in a mock smile. ´Yes. I regret it. I really do. It never should have happened and it wouldn´t have happened if I hadn´t taken pity on that spirit that suddenly found himself in a world he wasn´t able to understand.´ He snorted. 'And never was willing to understand. I should have known better than inviting him. It was a stupid act on my part but it was well meant. Which doesn´t clear me of my own responsibility.' If possible his stare became even more intense. ´Why do you ask? You're not going to offer me absolution are you?'

Cullen let out a sardonic laugh. 'I don't think that is my place.'

Anders relaxed. 'No, it isn't and I'm glad you see that too. I am the only one who has that prerogative and I'm still working on it. And let me tell you, it's damn hard to do so. To forgive and forget. To forgive myself and forget what I've done.' He shook his head. 'Of course that´s impossible, let alone I'm in a position to ask others to pardon me. I can only hope I will find some peace of mind before I will meet my death.' He offered him another bleak smile. 'I´ve always thought you were a stick-in-the-mud but as it turns out you´re a person of flesh and blood. With a real operating heart. And you´re honest. I value that. With you one knows what one gets and can expect. Unlike with some hypocritical Chantry Brother who piously preached forgiveness and instead wielded revenge as a flaming sword.'

Cullen laughed again and this time it sounded much more untroubled. 'I completely agree. Sebastian has always stayed the arrogant spoiled princeling, used to having everything his way, no matter how hard Elthina tried to change him and, undoubtedly, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself.' He paused for a few moments. 'Did you know he invaded Kirkwall?'

Anders frowned. 'No, but it doesn't surprise me. His hostile words before he took off were clear enough. Like I said, he was always more full of revenge than forgiveness. In comparison my zealous unyielding spirit was a gentle, good intended though somewhat overworked schoolteacher. Sebastian played the humble preacher but acted like an arrogant touchy High Lord. And all the time he was so very much convinced of his own right he almost tripped over it. A dangerous combination if you ask me. And now? Is he the new ruler? If so, Kirkwall must be such a jolly place to live in.'

'Don't worry,' Cullen grinned, 'Guard Captain Aveline has everything under control. Actually the Inquisition has lent a hand with chasing the aggressor out off the city.'

´Really,' Anders reacted, taken aback, 'That's good. It's nice to find out the Inquisition is not only about Mages and Templars but also about, er, justice.' His face twitched as if he had bitten in an extremely sour lemon. 'Sorry, the word still not agrees with me.' Determinedly he stood up. 'Well, Commander, this was a good chat but we have more pressing things at hand. I've roamed this place the last – whatever passes for time over here and I think I know where you can find the others. Including the Inquisitor.' He thought it wiser not to mention his near unnatural hunch of where Hawke was. 'I propose we soldier on so you can be reunited with your woman.'

In a reflex Cullen held out his hand and without thinking Anders accepted. 'I can't say I will ever forgive you for what you've done but I believe by now I've more insight on why you did it.'

Anders nodded. 'That's all I can ask for.'

Those eyes, there was something about those eyes. Something strange, something that made her thoughts flutter. Evelyn was still staring in awe at the apparition standing before her. Her legs felt solid enough again to hold her weight, she didn´t need Fenris´s steady arm any longer to stay upright now the first shock had abated. But that didn´t mean she could comprehend or even believe what her eyes forced to make her see. She had seen portraits of Most Holy, as every inhabitant of Thedas had – save for the Tevinters she presumed, (and perhaps the Qunari come to think about it), so she recognized the woman in an instant. That was not the strangest part of the situation. Justinia's unexpected and sudden manifestation even wasn't. The strangest part was she felt a sudden flash of remembrance. It was revealing and frightening at the same time. And those eyes seemed not to fit into the picture.

'Was it you?' she whispered. A new spark uncovered another memory. Her desperately climbing up some steep slope, chased after by gruesome large spiders, Justinia stretching out her hand to haul her into safety and spurring her on to get help. Without thinking she made a step back and didn't notice everyone around her did the same. Except for Fenris.

White light exploded and, after it had mellowed, illustrated like moving pictures on a bright sheet scenes of what really had occurred at the Conclave. Most Holy held in chains by Grey Wardens, mocked by Corypheus himself. The orb Justinia swatted out off his hand and landed by accident at the door Evelyn at the same moment burst through and instinctively picked up. With all the consequences. And the stupid thing is I was late because I desperately needed to pee, Evelyn thought in an even at this moment calm corner of her brain, nature called and because of that I am now the Inquisitor. How crazy is that?!

The light doused and with it the images faded but the impact lingered. The first one to regain his voice was Stroud. He sounded gruffly when he said, 'So it wasn't Andraste who saved you.'

As stung by a wasp Evelyn turned and spat, 'I never claimed it was.' She glared menacingly at him. 'Perhaps you can be so good as to explain why it were Grey Wardens how held the Divine? Are you trying to expose me as an imposter to steer us away from the fact that your organization apparently is responsible for all the mess?! How dare you!'

She stood on the verge of attacking him and only with the greatest exertion she could refrain herself. No-one would gain by a fight between them she tried to tell herself. At that same moment Varric stepped forward and stayed her hand that already was balled into a fist. With wary eyes he had followed the scene and although he would happily deal the whack for her, he realized that knocking Stroud flat out could only make things worse. 'Madam, don't. I'd hate to write about how the Inquisitor manhandled a Grey Warden while standing knee-deep in Fade mud. How am I to maintain the dignity of the heroine while she's strangling someone covered in demon muck?'

Evelyn deflated and let out a short chuckle. She found it impossible to stay angry and secretly wondered how often Varric had had to use his talent to calm Hawke down.

'The Grey Wardens were under the influence of Corypheus,' Stroud barked in the meantime, not listening to Varric's words at all, 'you can't blame them!'

Before Varric or Evelyn could react, the Bull stepped forward and gave Stroud a stern prod. 'I suggest you cut the crap,' he growled. 'We have to find a way out of here. Fighting amongst each other won't help. Keep your shouting for when we're back into safety!'

Stroud subsided, though reluctantly and mostly because you couldn't ignore a Qunari prodding his finger in your chest. The next you knew it would have the same deadly outcome as the determined hand of a certain elf. 'The last word about this hasn't been said,' he nevertheless threatened in a low voice.

'About that we agree,' Evelyn reacted, 'but I also agree with Varric and Bull. This is not the time to argue.'

And then she turned back, quickly. Because there was another sudden eruption of near blinding light. Her breath hitched.

Fenris hadn't given the disagreement any attention whatsoever. His look had been fixed upon whatever pretended to be the Divine Justinia. Just as Evelyn he had been captured by the eyes. Those sparkling sapphire eyes he knew all too well. He almost petrified in shock by seeing the eyes of the woman he loved in the face of a woman he only vaguely recognized from some portraits he had hardly given a second glance when he had passed them on the few occasions he had visited the Chantry. This can't be true. And then the woman had started to speak and he almost recoiled. This isn't her voice. But that was not entirely true, he realized not moments later. An echo of Marian's voice resonated in the words that entered his ears. He was so engrossed in trying to find some similarities he never heard what precisely the voice said; he only had been focused on how he could hear Marian's essence weaving through the sound waves.

And then, with a flash, the apparition seemed to explode and change into a halo of light. A faint voice was heard, I've done my part. Thank you. As before the light dimmed but not to give back lost memories; this time it was a lost woman.

Marian gasped and staggered fiercely. She took a stumbling step and collapsed. The elf reacted fast as lightning and rushed forward to catch her before she hit the ground.

'Fenris,' she murmured with a feeble sigh, 'thank the Maker you're here.' She hung lamely in his arms.

'Marian,' the elf rasped emotionally. In fact he was so brimful of emotions it threatened to choke him. His feelings swayed violently between immense relief, total confusion and even anger. They seemed to form a tangled knot in his throat he couldn't untie. He could hardly believe he was really holding her and he pulled her even closer, almost crushing her. Hawke squeaked a feeble protest. 'I knew it was you,' Fenris croaked, 'I recognized your eyes.'

'Take care, elf,' Varric warned, 'you'll break some bones if you keep squeezing her like that.'

'Don't listen to him, just keep squeezing,' Hawke mumbled; on second thought his arms couldn't hold her fast enough, even though she was by now struggling for breath.

Fenris buried his face in her hair and vented the reason for the anger that was a part of the suffocating knot. 'Why did you run away? Again?'

Hawke tried to free herself but Fenris refused to let go and after a half-hearted attempt she gave up. 'I didn't run away,' she wheezed against his chest, 'the Dragon Lady sent me here.' She took a trembling breath. 'And then I met Cole and a fellow-spirit of his. And she said, she said she had to restore the memories but she was too weak to do it on her own.' She whimpered helplessly. 'She needed my body. No, eh, what was it again, not body.' Hawke inhaled shivering. 'Ah yes, my life energy. She needed my life energy to bring the message home.' She chortled mirthlessly. 'What an ugly truth it exposed, eh?' She leaned her head against his shoulder. 'Oh Maker, she drained me.' She was too exhausted to weep.

Fenris didn't understand half of what she said but it could wait. She stated she hadn't fled this time and he believed her, for now that was enough. He swept her up in his arms and carried her to a boulder where he sat down, cradling her in his lap. 'It's alright,' he mumbled. He smiled briefly and she felt the twisting of his lips against her cheek. 'I cannot promise you're out of danger but at least we're together. That's all that counts for now. Save further explanations for when you feel up to it.' His mouth softly grazed her skin in a tender kiss and with a small sniff she sank deeper in his embrace.

Slowly Evelyn came to herself. It wasn't easy. She laid her hand upon Varric's shoulder to get some kind of foothold to reality. For when it came down to reality there was nothing like a dwarf to provide it; they not only had no magic and no access to the Fade but, perhaps even more important, well, you couldn't find something more realistic than stones. And ancestors of course. 'My head is reeling and I'm totally confused. I'm in dire need for some, some certainty. Did you know it was her?'

The dwarf shook his head. 'Nope. Then again I'm not surprised Fenris did.

Neither am I, she thought. And with a harsh pang the image of her lover's panicked face while she dived into the rift sprang to mind. I need him, she thought desperately, I need his support so badly. And I don't even know if he's still alive. Angrilyshe pushed back hot tears.

Cullen chose that very moment to enter the stage.

Many thanks to all of you who have given the effort to read this for a second time!

Note: I also removed chapter 16 for the same reason I removed this one: total discontent with the outcome. It is under revision and as we speak I'm working hard at it. I hope I can count on your understanding and patience ...