Wintersend part 19

Leliana noticed Sera had grown too tired to curse or even whimper. She hazarded a quick glance and saw the elven girl shooting her arrows, while mumbling something that almost sounded like enchantments, but probably were desperate prayers. It was hard to tell, but considering her fear of magic and adding her own strange language, probably picked up in the gutters of Denerim, Leliana assumed, it was a good guess. At this moment she stood on the brink of bursting into prayer as well. It had been a long time since she had felt that urge.

The death of Divine Justinia had deprived her of the last part of her faith; being the Left Hand for so many years had taken care of the most of it before that shattering disaster dealt the final blow. She had hidden it well, in particular to herself. Sometimes she could, intensely, long back for that young passionate woman who had believed the Maker had called upon her to throw in her lot with Elissa Cousland to end the Blight. She dearly missed that girl. Despite what had happened between her and her former tutor and lover, she still had been so naive, and finding religion in the small Lothering Chantry had invigorated her. At first her belief had given her the peace of mind she had craved for and she had been convinced it would mend her inner injuries; soon after, it had become the most important pillar of her existence.

Eventually it had culminated in reaching the position of the Divine's Left Hand. Ironically, that had caused her faith to go downhill alarmingly fast because she found out the Chantry was about power and influence much more than about religion. The sincerity of her prayers had waned till the point they were no more than hollow words, spoken with indifference as a part of the daily routine, and the dream of the enthusiastic, young lay sister was farther away than ever. She doubted she'd ever find her again.

The thoughts spiralled through her mind at a subconscious level while her fingers automatically plucked the arrows out of the quiver on her back, nocked them on the bowstring and let them loose in much practiced fluid movements. The moment she had dreaded came sooner than she had already feared: reaching for the umpteenth time for her quiver she seized nothing but air. She had run out of arrows. With a shuddering sigh she looked around to assess the situation. The Inquisition troops and the Grey Wardens were still fighting valiantly but it was obvious they slowly but surely were getting overpowered by fatigue. To make things worse she heard Sera pick up her cursing again, in a high squealing voice this time. It was clear she too had shot her last missile. And the demons just kept on emerging.

And then the rift started to twist and turn as if someone was pulling at it. To Leliana's immense joy a bunch of well-known people tumbled down, among which the Inquisitor herself. 'The lady likes to make an entrance,' she mumbled.

Evelyn was overly relieved they ended up in the courtyard of Adamant Fortress and not in a nondescript place somewhere else in Thedas. On the other hand, she was not at all amazed they landed in a nest of demons, and worse, in the middle of a ferocious fray. Her life seemed to be an endless chain of that kind of events nowadays. It didn't take the eye of an expert to see the vile creatures were getting the upper hand. Clever tactics would be of no use; this was simply a question of acting like very much longed for reinforcements. 'Wipe them away!' she thus yelled and set the good example by attacking a rage demon with a blast of ice-magic. Cullen drew his sword and started shouting orders while the Bull like a living snow plough shoved the confused foes out of his path.

Fenris pushed Hawke out of the way of direct danger. 'Stay behind me,' he more or less commanded her. 'You don't have your staff.'

'I don't need a weapon to fight,' Hawke protested, but Fenris wouldn't have it.

'Get behind me!' he growled, in a low voice.

'Fine. Shall we form some kind of cute little train?' pouted Hawke. 'Do you want me to put a hand on your shoulder? Or shall I just hold on to your belt so you can drag me along?'

Fenris didn't bother with an answer to this pretty juvenile reaction while he cleaved his broadsword through three shadows at the same time with one mighty sweep. He didn't flinch when Hawke launched a firebolt over his right shoulder and hit a pride demon in the chest. 'Go ahead,' she said, 'make your lighting spurt and skewer the beast. I'll wait right here for you to come back and act like my elven shield once more.'

'You're impossible,' he grumbled just before he shot forward, his blade poised overarm to give the demon a deathblow.

'But sweet!' Hawke merrily called after him while she let loose a stonefist to aid him in his action. To her satisfaction it was a full hit. 'Staff!' she said sarcastically. 'A real mage doesn't need a staff. It's just for show.' That, of course, was not entirely true. A staff helped to aim more proper and extend the energy and power of the spells but a mage as capable as she was could do without. She again assembled fire in her hand, this time to hurl a fireball at the pride demon's head while Fenris, after slashing its shoulder, now lunged for the demon's thighs. They had battled together so often, they knew exactly each other's tactics and how to anticipate the moves they would take. And she knew damn well that Fenris relied on her back support, even though he had told her sternly to stay out of the fight. She looked vulnerable without her weapon in her hands. He was aware it was nonsense but nevertheless was afraid she couldn't cope and would be an easy target. And how could she blame him? She had disappeared to protect him, he only had ordered her to stay out of the turmoil. Hawke smiled inwardly. He might shout all he wanted, when push came to shove they automatically fell back into their old routine. With or without a staff. "Take care of Hawke". Anders's words suddenly roared up in her mind and in an instant she understood Fenris's, in her eyes, ridiculous fretting and where it came from. He had already been deeply concerned about her and those words must have triggered some kind of inner sincere promise to keep her safe, whatever the cost. If not to Anders, then to himself. How typical him, gone through such an ordeal and still worrying about her. The next fireball missed its target due to a mist of sudden tears.

Anders, in the meantime, was mainly busy with dodging missiles and staying alive. He felt very faint. He had expected to stay behind in the Fade and forgo his life in an ultimate deed of self sacrifice. Not that he had looked forward to actually ending his existence but, as he had seen it, it had been inevitable at any rate. Despite the explanation of Cullen why he was hearing the Calling, he still wasn't totally convinced he wouldn't die of the taint between now and very soon. And besides that, he had felt he owed the world this one exploit. In hindsight he might not have started the bloody mess and he was not responsible for Corypheus's disgusting acts and even more disgusting ambitions, he still had started the carnage in Kirkwall and many people saw him as the icon of the rebellion. His decision had been genuine and heartfelt and he had resigned to his death. And then, in an unexpected flurry, Justice had taken the ground from under his feet by knocking him over and throwing himself at the Nightmare, and the odd Qunari had jerked him up and yanked him through the rift. He still couldn't fully grasp it. One moment he was about to die, the next he was alive and well and back in the real world. Hazily he noticed the fight end and the Inquisitor use her power to close the rift. And now, his reeling thoughts told him, he might be looking forward to a lawsuit, instigating by a het up Seeker, leading to his death all along. It was all very disturbing. He longed immensely for a strong drink.

Immediately after the relative peace had been restored, Evelyn, and the comrades who had together with her miraculously materialized out of the rift, got buried under a barrage of questions, until Leliana elbowed a way through the crowd and cut everybody short. 'Make yourselves sparse,' she snarled at the thronging warriors. She was grateful Captain Halbert kept his wits together and called the men to order. They dissolved within mere minutes if only to look after their injured brothers/sisters-in-arms. 'Where have you been?' she addressed the Inquisitor in a not all too friendly tone. She still was wound up. Hugely.

Evelyn waved vaguely at the spot in the sky where shortly before the rift had been. 'In the Fade,' she said nonchalantly as if she spoke about a leisurely stroll in the park. She smiled faintly. 'It was quite an experience, let me tell you.' Her smile became a little pained and Leliana got the impression that the stroll had been, in fact, a bumpy ride. 'I've no idea how long we've been away. How is the situation?'

'Stable,' Leliana answered curtly, feeling woozy but dismissing the quaint feeling right away. 'Especially now you're back and chased the demons away.' She glared darkly at Cullen but withheld from further comment. For now. After she had made certain that silent "for now" had got through to the Commander, her eyes fell upon Marian Hawke who was standing next to Fenris. She had to blink twice to believe her own vision. 'Champion!' she called out in astonishment. She had to check her next own words in her head before she uttered them once more. 'You were in the Fade as well? How did you end up there?!' After calling out those words she still couldn't believe she really said them out loud. This was ridiculous.

Impatiently Hawke fluttered her hand. 'Long story. Doesn't matter right now.' Leliana, after or still lingering in her amazement, noticed she looked rather pale in the early morning light and wondered what she had gone through since her disappearance.

'Alright,' Evelyn said, rubbing her forehead. 'Is there somewhere quiet we can speak? We have a lot to discuss.' She looked at her companions who stood in a rough circle around her. 'I'd appreciate it if you'd come with me. If only to bear witness to the idiotic things that have happened and to make sure I get all the details right.'

Only now had the Spy Master discovered an unknown face in the gathering, a face belonging to someone who very hard tried to hide behind Cullen's back like a toddler in his mother's skirts. After the unexpected turning up of the Champion, this was a new unpredicted surprise. She got a nasty jolt, a jolt that forebode of something even more nasty. Evelyn followed her glance and grimaced mordantly in response. 'Ah yes. One of the nice unforeseen gifts we encountered. He saddles us with quite a problem I'm afraid. One of the more grave items on the agenda, I think, although not the most urgent.'

Leliana's attention swivelled from the unidentified male to the Inquisitor and back, while the cogs in her brains worked at top speed. The features of the face, working together with the jolt lingering in her stomach, acquired a name and her eyes flew wide. At once she understood the tense look the Inquisitor gave her .'Better keep him a secret for the time being,' she murmured hoarsely, shocked. 'Things are already strained enough as they are. Let's find Clarel's office. There we can confer without being disturbed.' She was about to turn when a slight movement caught her already disturbed mind.

Her last word still hung in the air when she saw to her astonishment Marian Hawke turn sharply and run off, not moments later followed by Fenris. The woman held a hand to her mouth and contorted as if she was about to vomit. 'Clarel's office is not that terrible,' she said confused. 'What sort of strange statement was that?'

'Don't take it ill,' Varric tried to explain, although he didn´t understand himself. He would, though, only admit that on the penalty of death. 'It's not you or the office. But both Hawke and Fenris took the full blast of the Nightmare, as it were.' It was as good an explanation as any other, he reckoned. Though it didn't settle the nasty pinpricks in his own guts. He ignored those as well as he could and soldiered heroically on. 'And I think she's simply fed up with it all. Or, as you will, sick of it.' He smiled faintly, not entirely certain his rather lame joke had hit home. Leliana was not famous for her sense of humour and this hadn´t been his best pun. He was the first to admit it. He grinned sheepishly. He'd rather run after Hawke but thought it better to stay put and try to handle the situation as best as he could. And after all, Fenris was with her.

'Nightmare?' Leliana echoed nonplussed, dismissing Varric's extensive stupid explanation of why Hawke ran away just like that.

'Yes, Nightmare,' Evelyn said. She added, pensively, 'If it hadn't been for Fenris we all would have suffered under it, despite Marian Hawke's warning. He dragged us out of our paralysing stupor but paid dearly for it.' She shot the Spymaster a wan smile. 'Puzzles and riddles. Let's head for that office and I'll explain it all.'

Gratefully Hawke accepted the mug of fresh water Fenris had fetched for her after her bout of vomiting. Which had been the reason why she had run away so suddenly. She rinsed her mouth and took a careful sip of the clear liquid. 'Thank you,' she mumbled weakly.

'Are you feeling better?' Fenris asked tentatively.

Hawke leant heavily against the parapet she had reached just in time to throw up over, hoping no-one was standing under it. She coughed and took another sip of water. 'I believe so, yes,' she murmured weakly. She puffed out some air. 'I don't know what came over me.'

'The urge to be sick, evidently,' Fenris remarked dryly. He regarded her with an anxiety that didn't fit with his flippant words.

Nevertheless Hawke laughed shakily. 'Í think it's because of all the excitement I had to cope with recently.' She heaved a deep sigh. 'Speaking of which ... I cannot emphasise enough how much I admire you.'

Fenris raised his brow. 'Admire me? For what? My nervous breakdown?'

Hawke turned sharply. Her gaze acquired a kind of saw-sharpness before she dimmed it and instead slapped him lightly on his arm. 'How can you call it that!' she chastised him. 'You went through the worst crisis of your life, I imagine. I know what that horrible voice was capable of; I experienced it at first hand. And I went completely bonkers.´ Her face twitched forcefully.

´So did I,´ Fenris pointed out, grabbing her hand and gently stroking her fingers. He sensed her agitated state of mind and fervently wanted to douse its fire. If only to prevent she would explode. He needed her to calm down. To his own good. To her own good.

´And yet you didn´t join me in hanging over the parapet to spew out your guts,´ Hawke grimaced weakly. ´You managed to restore your bearing very swift.´ Fenris locked her in his arms and buried his face in her hair. She hadn't explode but this kind of reading his mind was perhaps even worse. After all their time together he might have expected this, but, even after all this time together, he still wasn't used to it. Or better, comfortable with it. With her looking plain through his thoughts and fears. Filleting him. And yet ... it had some kind of alluring feat ... he never needed to explain himself. She always understood him. It was worth a lot, if not everything.

The next moment that particular alluring feat turned against him. It might be worth everything, but now she used it against him, it became frightening.

'I can guess what you´re thinking,´ Hawke murmured, to his dread, to fulfil his dread, against the exposed skin of his throat. ´You always do this when you don´t want me to see your expression.´ She felt him chortle silently. ´You can tell me you´re head´s still one big whirling tornado, you know. I won´t blame you. And you wonder whether the things that monster showed and told you are true or not.´ Now Fenris pulled her even closer, at the verge of crushing her. ´And I sense you don´t want to talk about it,´ she commented with some difficulty since her ribcage was about to be caved in. ´Even when you don´t speak, you make yourself very clear.´ She hesitated for only a moment before she resolutely went on. ´You must know that at least the part about your mother selling you to Danarius was pure bullshit. Your sister herself told you they both were slaves, so that doesn´t make any sense. And she sounded and looked very sincere in hurting you with the truth. She was very much out to crush you. To the death. So if that was a lie, and you and I both know it wasn´t, you can bet your tasty tight tooshie the rest was too. And you really don´t have to strangle me to drive your point home.´

Fenris removed his arms and instead cupped her face. He rested his forehead against hers. ´I know you are right,´ he said softly, ´but please grant me some time to sort out those awful images.´

´Of course, my love,´ Hawke reacted, more to tears she wanted to be and, for that matter, wanted to let him know she was. ´And if you want to demolish something during the process, I all but understand.´ Tenderly she caressed his cheek. ´I will always be here for you. Whatever you need.´

´I love you,´ Fenris said simply, ´and right now I just need you to hold me.´

And so she did. Silently, without any more words.

The door had hardly shut behind them when Leliana burst out. 'How could you do this!' she yelled at Cullen. 'How could you leave your troops behind! You're the Commander!'

Cullen bowed his head. 'I know,' he said meekly, 'and I'm deeply sorry. I should have foreseen something like a demon attack would happen. I wasn't thinking.'

But Evelyn stood up for him and countered the Spymasters' flaming eyes with an even more blazing pair. 'He saw us fall. He saw me fall and he panicked. I would have done the same had I been in his shoes.' She narrowed her eyes and added menacingly, 'perhaps Fenris was right all along and you have never loved. Really loved. So you're in no position to sentence him.'

The look the Spymaster fired at her would have scorched lesser women but Evelyn straightened her shoulders and stood tall, defying Leliana to do her worst. Before the situation got out of hand Cullen interfered. 'No, Evelyn, she is right. I made a grave mistake.' He turned to Leliana. 'I'll step down if that's what you want.'

Evelyn stared incredulously at him. 'Have you completely gone out of your mind?' she shouted aggravated. 'There will be no stepping down whatsoever. And I am the one to decide upon such a stupid whim! I am the Inquisitor. Not Leliana.' She almost stamped her foot to strengthen her standpoint.

And then Cullen, thoughtlessly, or better, musingly, blurted out the words that had swirled through his mind in the Fade … 'No, Evelyn.' He caught her look and silently pleaded for her forgiveness while he murmured, 'Personal isn't the same as important.' He looked so miserable even the demons would have taken pity.

'Oh fuck,' Varric murmured. 'Curly, I may like you, but this was the worst you could have said right now.'

Evelyn stared incredulously at her lover. After she had regained her voice, she growled, 'If that is any indication of how you consider our relationship, I, I…' she swallowed hard. She didn't know how to proceed. She broke down. 'I thought I could rely on you, but you turn out to be like the first prejudiced Templar!' she shouted before she turned and fled the room.

Cullen crumpled and hardly managed to grab the edge of the table standing in the middle of the room to manage to stay upright.

Leliana brought a hand to her chest and whispered, 'This was not my intent.' Suddenly she felt like that young passionate girl again and with wide terrified eyes sensed all the suppressed ardent feelings flew wild. She almost choked. He loved her. She loved him. And with her angry words she had smothered their feelings. Or at least complicated them. She had loved before. She understood. It had hurt her beyond bearing but that didn't say she should stand like a cold glacier between others that yearned for warmth and love. She wanted to move, to react, but stood as frozen.

In the midst of the roaring silence Dorian's voice sounded like a bell. 'Perhaps you should go after her, Commander.'

It shook Cullen into life and again he ran as fast as he could.

For the Pratchett fans among you, yes it was a reference to Carrot. Sometimes Cullen makes me think of him…

Thank you for reading!