Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
AN: At some point I got lazy writing this. I don't know what happened, but at least I don't intend to complete abandon this fic.
Chapter 40: Morgana's curse
An odd trinket to my side made a sound as I sat across from Dumbledore. I ignored it the best I could, less I be curious about the object and go as far as to ask the old man about it, like I was sure he would like. There was no way I was to willingly engage in conversation with the Headmaster, not when he regarded with silent concentration from his desk, after forcing me to visit his office on a Saturday morning.
It was simply malicious, taking time so early on a Saturday.
It was the only moment he could fit private counselling time with me, something about a busy schedule and the whatnot one would expect from an old wizard that managed a school. That I understood his lack of spare time to exert himself as my private tutor or whatever, didn't mean I was in anyway pleased that I had to be in his office so soon after waking up, and so close to time to leave for Hogsmeade. Because of course he wanted to talk about my time in school and classes on the one day I actually wanted the opposite. Not that I even wanted to talk to Dumbledore about anything else or anything really.
In all honesty, if I had to talk to the Headmaster, I preferred it to be informally and in front of Slytherin House with Merlin's portrait. I didn't look forward to those meetings after curfew either obviously, but it was the better option. It was far less of a hassle than walking to the Headmaster's office, and I got to talk to Merlin and Dumbledore at the same time. That way, I could evade them both for a while. As much as one could evade the current master of the castle or the door to my house.
The old wizard regarded me behind half-moon spectacles, his blue eyes unwavering, and unyielding leaving me to answer with stubborn silence from the other side of his desk. He was studying me, trying to get to me, to see beyond what I showed and learn all my secrets before starting with pleasantries. Typical meeting with Dumbledore.
"How are your classes?" He began slowly. Either he got tired of our little confrontation of wills, or he got all my secrets from my mind. One never knew with him. "Professor Slughorn was telling me yesterday that you are flourishing in Potions."
I looked down, trying to keep a glare from forming on my face. Of course I was flourishing in Potions. I cleared my throat; I hadn't spoken since I told the elf that woke me up with Dumbledore's message to go away. "Probably because I haven't messed up a potion this week."
Though I did hear myself more forceful than normal, sarcastic in ways that I wasn't really too familiar with, my comment had no ill directed at Slughorn. How could I direct ill toward a professor that elevated every little thing I did to heights of grandeur? A professor that meant the praises he so easily gave me?
My words made Dumbledore crack a smile. He looked down to his desk, to a roll of parchment that was stretched by his left hand. "Madam Pomfrey wrote in her report that you have taken well to resting in the Hospital Wing. And that you shall be well enough to be discontinued of them soon."
Oh, that was wonderful news.
The Headmaster spoke of more little things. A rundown of all the safe comments he received from my professors that could be shared to me without causing problems, along with possible advice to how I could correct whatever nuisance I should have perfected by now. I barely cared of the things he said, most were matters I had heard many times before. My mind had concentrated on one thing only, and that was finally being rid of my daily visits to the Hospital Wing. Nothing, I knew, would be better than getting back to my normal life.
"There is one final matter I must bring light to, Faraday."
Minutes had only gone by, but I felt like I had already wasted the whole morning just sitting there with the Headmaster, so his call for attention on one final thing brought my full attention to him. I stared expectantly.
His moves were deliberate as he bent to the side to open a drawer. The wood sliding barely made a sound before and after Professor Dumbledore fished for whatever he wanted to show me. I couldn't keep myself from edging on my seat, my hand going to rest on my side of the desk as I watched, not really wondering what he had there for me, but still Headmaster produced the least plausible thing I could ever imagine him to be holding, a bunch of neatly stacked and bound letters. "I have here postage." He began, his hand moving the bundle softly in the air, his eyes strained on me. "Particularly, letters sent to you in the course of this past week. Since the publication of your history in the Daily Prophet."
Surprised unto stunned silence, I stared at the old wizard's hand and what he held. There must have been at least ten letters stacked together. Letters for me, from I don't know who. I moved, balancing on the edge of my seat, reaching with my hand and arm completely to demand the Headmaster to give me my letters.
"Not yet," Dumbledore said, pulling his hand back, though I hadn't been that close to swipe the postage off him. A part of me wanted to fish for my wand inside my robes, but I would never go that far. It might get me in trouble. Or maybe not, I would never know. Fact of the matter was that I would be an idiot if I in anyway challenged the Headmaster outside of educational sparing. "First we must talk about the dangers in these and your safety."
"Those belong to me." Anger was a better solution than wand pointing, and it was evident in my voice even as I grinded the words through clenched teeth. Dumbledore had no right to keep those letters from me.
His expression, set in a scholarly look that showed the years and years of worldly experience he had over me, didn't change in the slightest when I revealed my anger. Though, really I was sure, Dumbledore knew me well enough to know what my reaction would be towards that matter."Yes, they do." He said softly, with all the patience in the world."And you will leave this office with them, but I must stress a fact first. These letters began arriving addressed to you before you left St. Mungo's. The first one only a matter of hours after the publication in the Daily Prophet about your curious situation."
That made my stomach do a flip, but it was already jumping around at the idea of mail, therefore I ignored it as best possible, and adjusted my bum in the edge of the seat. My eyes were stuck on Dumbledore, even as I voiced a question I already knew the answer of. "So you're saying those are all from strangers that are interested in my blood connections?"
"Precisely! There's a reason I withheld these from you, Faraday, and not the ones from your friends." The Headmaster's eyes twinkled with resolve, much as I had noticed they normally did when in the middle of important discussions. My attention darted away from his face for a second, as I came to accept what he said. It made sense, and I understood that the old wizard was trying to protect me from strangers, for as far as I knew I had gotten every single letter my friends had sent me while in the hospital. I decided to stop being annoyed at Dumbledore for the rest of my time in his office and kept on listening when he began to talk again. "There's a war brewing just under the surface of our world. Soon all will have to choose a role to play whether it's something wanted or not. Sides will be picked if they haven't been already and our lives will be changed."
My body, where before had been jumping in excitement for the letter and anger towards the teacher for keeping them, stilled. I did not enjoy in the slightest the turn my Saturday morning had taken so suddenly.
"Faraday," His used of my name at that very moment didn't sit well with me. I wished we could just go back to talk about my classes. "I am afraid of the mystery your future holds for you. Descendant of a legendary Slytherin and his dark witch apprentice; these letters and the names their senders signed with are indicators enough of the kind of people your family name draws attention from. Outside of this school, dark wizards and witches are gathering, all intending for you to choose their side of this looming war. And to that I say, I am only left with a warning to give, Faraday Ambrosius, and that is that you must be careful with every stranger that reaches out to you. Dark times can bring out the worst in people, and that puts your safety in jeopardy."
Safety be damned, my sanity at the moment was in direr jeopardy.
"Which brings me to another important matter, one that we have never spoken off, and that we will be discussing profoundly in the following weeks." At this point I just felt like he was checking off a mental list of problematic things for me that I had no real desire to worry myself over, not when I had more important things to do, like passing all my N.E.W.T.s. "Your summer accommodations."
It had not, before that very moment crossed my mind what was to happen to me during the summer. My mind felt like it had been thrown right into the middle of a violent whirlwind, crashing around at top speeds without any safe harbour in sight.
"I'm sure you know that Hogwarts closes its doors to students for the summer. It is unfortunate, but how things are. In this we cannot make special exceptions. That said, we must find a place for you, Miss Ambrosius to go away to when the term ends." Dumbledore said, but I wasn't even sure he was talking to me anymore, not when at the moment I couldn't force myself to say anything. The whole conversation had shock me to the core and I needed a minute of silence that the Headmaster didn't want to give yet. "The Minister is preparing a list of candidates families to give you harbour. I myself have already summited personal friends capable of providing you safety and a positive summer experience. Once the list is properly constructed and the candidates made aware, you, the Minister and I will choose the best place for you to stay."
Okay no, I did not need a moment of silent contemplation. I needed Dumbledore to stop making decisions about my future. It didn't take me much to force out through clenched teeth a reply. "Shouldn't I be the one making that decision?"
If he noticed my discomfort, he ignored it, like normal. "For this summer? I'm afraid the choice is not completely yours to make."
I took that in and didn't speak for a long moment, trying my hardest to control every ounce of annoyance that consumed my body. There wasn't much I could do. So much for trying not to be annoyed at the Headmaster, it was inevitable, a common occurrence between us. Anything different would have been an anomaly. My best choice was to get the hell out of his office. "Can I leave?"
"Of course." If he was bothered by my coarse manner, he didn't show it and I didn't know if I was glad for it or more annoyed. "I wish you a very good trip to the village, Faraday. Have fun. And be warry of these letters."
And with that, he extended his arm over his desk, handing me my mail. I stood up with a jump, grabbing at what was rightfully mine and leaving the Headmaster's hand empty without vacillation. My hands burned, with excitement I liked to imagine as I felt the crisp parchment of the letters. Dumbledore leaned back on his chair and gave me a polite smile, one that a teacher would give his student, but that I didn't care for at the moment. I wanted to leave.
"Thank you, sir."
I turned away, clutching the letters to my chest and heading for the door without ceremony.
I didn't stop until I was out the office, down the stairs and pass the gargoyle statue, and I only stopped to prevent myself from carelessly bumping into someone. Regulus Black, sporting his school uniform and Prefect badge so early in the morning and on a Saturday, bowed his head in polite greeting, making me give a half smile after apologising for almost running into him.
He waved away my lame apologies graciously and pointed behind me to the gargoyle entrance. "Is he free?"
"I don't know." And I don't care, I wanted to say, but I would never say that in front of Regulus. Even when it did not sit well for me to answer as if I was the Headmaster's secretary. That somehow felt demeaning in every possible way. "You should go in anyway."
There, that felt better.
"It's mostly inconsequential, honestly."He said with a small shrug though his grey eyes did get lost looking off to the distance, giving the impression that maybe it was a little bit more important than he admitted. Maybe he had a pressing Prefect matter he wanted to inform to the Headmaster. Or maybe it really was a triviality. I don't know. We stood in silence watching each other a bit without knowing what to do from my part. I still wasn't well verse in polite conversation. Regulus was though, as was to be expected from a young man in his social position. "That's a lot of letters."
"Yes, the Headmaster was accumulating them for me since, well..." I trailed off, not knowing how to go on about it. Plus it wasn't something I wanted to talk about, much less to him. Though I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be that bad.
Regulus stared at the bundle in my hand, his forehead knitting together, and it made me a little nervous. "I think there's one there from my mother."
Obviously, that was the last thing I would expect him to say. Also, the prospect of Sirius and Regulus' mother writing to me seemed impossible. It left me bewildered and without intelligent words to give. "What?"
"She mentioned it in her last letter. I believe she wrote to you days ago."
I stared at him for a solid second, and then looked down for the first real time to the letters I had received. The top one had Carrow beautifully drawn on 's family name. Dumbledore's earlier comment came to mind, the one about the same kind of people being attracted to the reveal of my name. And if Regulus' mother had sent me one too, then that meant my letters came from rich families from the Twenty-eight with Slytherin children. Which most likely made their parents Slytherins too. I searched, flipping through the names, and sure enough I recognized names from my House only. The finally, in elegant and exquisite cursive, I came upon the name of Regulus' mother. Walburga Black.
I looked up surprised at what I actually found, showing him the letter. My reaction seemed to amuse him, and he gave me an expression that made him look a lot like his brother. A part of me wanted to open the letter right there, but I had plans for the day. Plus I felt like I needed to find a nice solitary place to read my little stack and I wouldn't be getting that for a while.
"What do you think it says?"
"Pleasantries, I imagine. Don't forget to write back." Regulus asked of me nicely just as the gargoyle behind me began to make a rumbling sound. "I should go now." He said as words of parting and I nodded as I moved aside to let him pass. I waited as he spoke the password for the gargoyle to move completely out of place to free the stairs. After that, he quickly disappeared as he went up.
Looking down one last time to the beautifully written name of the Black matriarch, I walked away.
I was forced to ignore my little stack of letters the moment I ran unto Dorcas on the door to the Great Hall. She gave a squeal at my sudden appearance and then she grabbed me claiming that there was much girl gossip to be had and little time for breakfast before leaving for Hogsmeade. Mary and Lily, who were already eating, agreed with their Gryffindor dorm mate. There were boyfriends, exes and school drama to talk about, and though I normally enjoyed that kind of thing, my mind wasn't into it. Dumbledore had ruined my time with the only girlfriends I had by withholding my mail.
Getting to the silent mausoleum of my dorm was all I could think about for a long while, and it wasn't until Lily pulled me all the way to Hogsmeade that I was able to put it away. The bustling magical village was always a delight, and the sight of it enough to get my attention.
There had been a light shower of rain, but that hadn't stop the students of Hogwarts from visiting the bright and bustling shops for a much needed break from the daily grind of classes.I myself had hurried behind Lily, Mary and Dorcas, the letters hidden within my robes, and for the moment forgotten as I followed the girls into Tomes and Scrolls. I had a few sickles left after going mad in Honeydukes, I was certain I could afford something good.
After that, I parted ways with Lily and her friends. It was time for me to meet up with Peter in the Three Broomsticks.
I tried to fix my hair a little before going into the pub. Lily had insisted I keep it down for the trip to Hogsmeade and had even gone as far as to take my tie away. When I left her, I forgot to ask for it back. Not that I thought she would had given it, I was supposed to keep it the whole weekend. Plus Lily was having too much fun watching me struggle with it.
Just when I was about to enter the Three Broomstick, the door flew opened and I was stunned at the sheer coincidence of who it was. Remus was rushing out the pub.
He stared at me, his eyes sunken and tired, and his skin pale white with angry dark pink scars. His slim tall body was as petrified as mine was at the sight of each other, though his shoulders looked so tense that the arm holding the door looked like it was twitching. He was sick. And of course he was, the May moon was a mere two days away. I stared back at him. Then without a word, without acknowledging my presence with anything other than unadulterated shock, he pushed pass me, leaving me there with shock of my own.
Okay no. That was plain rude. It was time to do something.
"Hey," I found myself saying after him as I turned to follow his back at a hurried pace. His long legs had carried him well away from me and I found myself lightly sprinting. This was it, the moment for whatever was broken between us to be addressed. Inaction on my part, ignoring the problem like I ignored most problems in my life and James' advice to give Remus time and waiting for him to face me was not an option anymore. "Hey Lupin!"
For a moment I thought that either he didn't hear or decided to ignore me as I watched his back navigating Hogsmeade's crowded main street, but he gave me an answer. And honestly, it was more than I thought he would give."I'm busy."
"With what?" I yelled after him.
He didn't say anything not that there was anything he could come up with. This was the end of the line, and even though I struggled to follow him a tiny bit, I was sure he knew he couldn't escape me. The thought of taking a page out of Lily's book and raising my wand at Remus was a much bigger temptation than I would dare to admit, however, I shook it aside. What kind of person would I be if I attacked a sick boy?
There was no need for hexing, for I got my opportunity to stop him. As he went pass Zonko's, the door flew open and a middle age witch came out, her arms balancing colorful parcels. At her appearance, Remus abruptly stopped his trot, giving me enough momentum to hurry and grab unto his arm.I held on tightly. "You're not running off because Peter told you I was coming, right?"
Again he said nothing.
I suppressed a sigh as I looked up at him, suddenly uneasy with what I had done and how he was running away from me. I had tried to keep the matter about Remus out of my mind for most of the night and morning since I realized he was evading me and only me. Studying and Dumbledore summoning to his office worked wonders, but that didn't mean that it wasn't eating away at me. It was maddening to have one of my friends full on avoid me for learning the secrets of my ancestry. It was time to come clean with each other, whatever it meant. I had to apologize for something I had no power over, and keeping the truth of it hidden away from him, a person who had given me his trust with his greatest secret. I would apologize for being born at the end of Morgana's bloodline. I would do that for Remus, though just the idea of it hurt my pride. It wasn't a great plan for me, but the only one I had. I pulled on his arm. "Come with me."
"Not now, Faraday." He said in a tired voice, giving a shrug as an attempt to shake me off.
I didn't let that push me away. I held on tighter, looking up into his blue eyes. "Please?"
He looked away, his face twisted in an unflattering, concentrated way that made me feel awful for pushing this on him. Remus was already in enough involuntary pain and though I didn't want to be an annoyance to him of all people, I had no choice. After what seemed like an eternity of a deep frown, Remus stared down at me, and with a defeated expression, nodded.
My go-to place for a private heart to heart conversation was the spot at the edge of the forest that overlooked the Shrieking Shack. It wasn't out of place to go there. Not many people ventured to it, there was a fallen tree trunk we could sit in and it was symbolic. Remus turned into a werewolf in it every month. I guess it was fitting to face each other with it as witness.
I might have been losing my mind, but that was a matter for another day.
By the time we made it to there, my stomach had made a thousand flips as the somber nature of the problem between us reared its ugly head. The thought that I could lose for forever one of the few friends I had was insane and something that I wish I didn't have to go through only months after getting actual friends. But there we were.
The air and ground was still wet with the light showering from earlier, and through the leaves of the tall trees the sun tried its best to dry it off. Though humid looking, Remus sat on the large dead trunk, his eyes closing as he did. I chose to remain standing for the moment.
I took a deep breath as I watched him and once and for all faced him. I was going to fix this.
"I'm sorry I had to do this, Remus. I know how you must be feeling with the moon so close, but you can keep evading me." I tried to keep any possible desperation from my voice, should some appear, as I spoke at a steady pace. "We might not be as great friends as I might have thought we were—"
He interrupted me, his gaze on me and his voice sounding incredulous, like he didn't believe what I said. "We are good friends."
Okay then.
That washed over me like a tidal wave of relief. Made me even step closer, sliding to sit next to him. "Then why haven't you faced me? I know you read the article, like everyone else. But you haven't said anything." Of my friends he was the only one that hadn't bombarded me with questions and of all of them only he and Lily obviously, had any right to do so. "I know that you hate being a werewolf and that we've never really talked about our connection. You never asked if I knew something and I never saw a reason to speak."
I started at him. Remus was silent, looking away to the Shrieking Shack or at least in the direction of it. Maybe he was just lost in thought. If he wasn't listening I would get pissed off. I went on. "Morgana created Lycanthropy." There! It was out and between us now, the problem. Wonderful. "I'm sure you know that and that you must hate her. I would too. And I understand if you hate me too. But—"
"I don't hate you." Remus interrupted again and had it been at any other moment I would have considered raising my wand at the rudeness of it. The way he spoke his retort made it sound like I was being stupid, or at least I heard it that way. Maybe Remus thought I was being stupid, the poor boy, I wouldn't blame him for thinking that, not when he looked so pale, so physically and emotionally tired."I couldn't."
I don't know why, but I had half a mind that this whole fixing the problem thing was going to be way messier than Remus was putting it out to be. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but I can't deny that I felt another wave of relief. Though, when it passed I was consumed by everlasting confusion. "Then why have you been evading me?"
He shrugged.
"You don't know or you don't want to tell me?" Watching him look at anywhere but at me, I ventured a little closer, bending forward to try to catch his gaze.
"I don't know." He said after a while, tired sounding and slouching in his seat. "I'm angry, Faraday."
Yeah, that was completely justified and I understood perfectly, and I had every intention of telling him that. Even if it hurt my pride. But like I resolved myself to do before, I would do it to save my friendship with Remus."About my connection to—"
"No! I don't care about Morgana, she did what she did and she's been dead for centuries. That's not important." At some point when he was speaking, he met my eyes for a brief moment, and somehow it was enough for me to undividedly listen to him. Though, my chest tightened a bit at the angry mention of my ancestral grandmother. Also, I thought that was the problem to be resolved."What is important to me are my friends, and you're one of them."
Bloody hell did that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside in ways that so far in my life had only happened whenever I blatantly felt Lily's affection. Shit, this was Remus affection! I had no idea of what I could possibly say back to that, not while being utterly stunned, but to my luck, Remus hadn't finished talking.
"There's something special between us, Faraday. Since we met, I knew the truth of it all, but I decided to ignore it, to keep these unpleasant feelings from myself and you. With the truth out, I couldn't ignore it anymore because like you said, we never talked about it. I guess I know now that neither you nor I wanted to admit to each other what we knew about out connection. And I'm angry that it had to be this curse; that you have the same blood that causes this curse. And that once a month it takes your free will away from you, too." He said steadily and with amazing emotion that had my attention bind to him. "I'm ashamed that I've been avoiding you, because this isn't your fault. And I'm sad because I don't know which is worst. To have this curse pushed upon you, or to be born with it."
He looked a horrible sheen of white, but his eyes were filled with a beautiful blue fire that moved my heart and made me almost thank Morgana for the connection she had unknowingly made between us. Almost. I would certainly never say it out loud, less of all in front of an emotionally open Remus Lupin. I shook my head to bring my senses back to normal, and laughed a sad breath of a thing as a stupid reaction to it all.
"By the looks of you, I would say it's the first thing you said." I kept a little smile on my face; I could feel it tugging at my cheeks getting a tad bigger as I went on."Remus, you didn't need to ignore me for a week."
"I needed time. And," He said, looking away. "I didn't have the courage to face you."
That made me laugh. "That's not very Gryffindor."
He laughed too, but that winded him up, and he looked like he was about to faint. That seemed like a good spot to leave our discussion. Our problem was fixed, our friendship saved, and I didn't want to ridicule the poor boy having to levitate him back to Hogwarts in case he passed out. Better to go find the rest of the Marauders.
AN: Sorry if this ending seemed rushed, it was. I haven't posted in months, since June and I have no excuses for it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter