Wizards Life Advice Number 6
Translation Service:
Dear Xeno:
My wonderful, better half, love of my life I think is losing her eyesight! Just this morning she opened her closet and declared, "I have nothing to wear!" I was flabbergasted. I was speechless then asked if a Niffler had got into the closet and stolen all her clothes? I said "Honey, you moved my stuff to the other rooms closet and you can't fit another item on the racks. Can't you flick your wand and change colors or sizes? After all you are a witch!"
She then called me some offensive words that your family publication should not repeat. The nicest thing she said to me was "Why don't you understand Wife Speak?" Can you help me Xeno?
Signed: Clueless Wizard
Oh, dear. I must say that I've had several similar letters in the past week. You did not say but I must assume you recently married. So we will consider this week's column a Translation service.
"I have nothing to wear." Means get out the key to your Gringotts vault now as it's time for a whole new wardrobe. Twillfit and Tattings here I come. A weekend in Paris to visit Marcia Haute Couture for a new Bespoke Witch's Wardrobe.
"Do I look fat in this outfit? Similar to: I have nothing to wear?" I want to caution you it is a similar pitfall. Except it usually proceeds getting an earful at how inconsiderate you are to say yes. The Witch is in a bad mood and spoiling for a fight. Any way you answer is wrong so get out the vault key now. Best advice is to dangle the key in front of her eyes and say: When do you want to leave?
"What do you want to eat tonight?" Code for take me out to dinner at the Roasted Pheasant because my feet hurt and if you expect me to stand in front of a hot stove after working all day you have another Think coming buster.
"What do you think of this color?" Means Oh MY God we have to repaint he house because the walls look hideous. Now if you're somewhat handy with the color changing charm you whip out your trusty wand, and say what color dear? If not, open your wallet and hire someone competent to do the job. It's a lot less grief and you won't get hexed.
The trash is looking a little full: This is the easiest one yet. It means drop what you are doing and take it out now if you are not efficient with the banishing charm. This is one of the "Don't argue, just do questions/commands."
"My mother is coming." You must consider this an early warning system. Defense Against the Dark Arts! Red alert! Cruciatus Curse Incoming! My mother already wonders why I married you and I don't want to give her any more ammunition. You should book a hunting trip or a Wizards weekend with your reprobates, err friends. Get out of town. After all do you want two witches angry with you at the same time? Remember they both carry Deadly weapons, Wands!
What are you doing? Rhetorical question. Yes. Even I'm not stupid to fall for this one. She is actually thinking that you are a colossal idiot. It does not matter what you are doing she thinks it's stupid. Nuff said. Just stop. You may be a wizard but you can't survive a witch with her claws out.
While the above items are clearly a minefield for the clueless inexperienced wizard, the next section can be much more painful to the unwary wizard:
"Maybe:" Means I'll think about it until you forget about whatever it is you asked me to do.
"Fine:" This is a wizard's worst nightmare. Taking this word at its dictionary meaning is dangerous. Yes, if you believe everything is okay then you are in for a heap of trouble. This actually means not fine, you won the argument for now but I'm going to make life miserable until you do what I want. Do not forget she has a wand and turn your back on the wonderful witch.
"Whatever you want: " This is similar to Fine. Frustrated. She thinks you're an idiot. Go ahead and proceed at your own risk. When you screw up, don't come running to me because I'm going to laugh.
"No:" No sugar coating here. No ambiguity. Never in a million years. Don't think about it, don't ask again. In short it means what it means. No. If in your wildest dreams you think about obliviating me, or confounding me so I agree with what ever hair brained idea you've got you better jump on that broom and get out of town now because you're a dead wizard.
"Little Witch". A term clearly among the third rail of relationship no no's. Never ever say this about your POOSSSLQ when the little witch is within earshot. Nope, a good idea to substitute Her, My honey, Sweetie etc. if you can't remember her name.
Finally, you must have a basic understanding of the RATIO. Yes, there is RATIO in relationships. It is the 3.1 ratio. It is simple. for every witch in the house multiply by 3. You are outnumbered. One male, one female = male outnumbered by females 3 to 1. Don't be fooled by an inverse ratio where there may be 3 living breathing males with one living breathing female in the house. If she is the only one then she rules and you don't have a say anyway.
Please send any Howlers to The Quibbler Business Office at Diagon Alley, care of the silent box 229.