Carla stared into the bathroom mirror. The light in the room was harsh and unforgiving, making the shadows under Carla's eyes stand out more than they should, but she was still glad of it. She'd woken after a nightmare and somehow managed to sneak out of the bedroom without waking Alniss, something that was unprecedented. She'd needed a room without shadows to chase the darkness of the nightmare away.
Slowly, Carla reached up to the top of her right ear, pulling the skin down to expose the small, black S tattooed behind it. Looking at the tattoo sometimes soothed her, in the absence of a grave or a memorial, but Carla quickly let go again today. Her nightmare had been more of a memory, really, at least at first. Much as she'd loved Silrin, Carla's first trip to the Yeerk Pool proper had not been a pleasant experience, and while it hadn't in reality ended with Carla being pulled into a cage and approached by an involuntary with a knife, which had been the dream version, the real memory was still pushing in relentlessly at the edges of her mind.
The stairs were dark, rough-hewn and seemingly endless, the small electric lights on the damp stone walls placed too far apart to fully illuminate them. Carla felt nervous, a feeling she wasn't sure was entirely her own, as Silrin had been strangely quiet on their way to the mall, and had only got quieter as they'd moved into the Gap changing room and down through the secret entrance.
(It's okay,) Silrin said, clearly reading Carla's thoughts. (There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm sorry I've not been speaking much to you… I'm just hungry. This is when I eat.)
(What's going to happen?) Carla asked, still feeling panicky.
(In about five minutes we'll reach a large cavern,) Silrin said softly. A picture of the cavern appeared in Carla's mind, then zoomed in to show a small lake filled with what looked like the same sludgy liquid Carla had encountered three days earlier, when the Yeerk had first entered her mind. (In the centre of the cavern is what we call a Pool. We Yeerks must enter the Pool to absorb nutrients and a kind of radiation called Kandrona rays. It's like when you eat, Carla… if I didn't do it, I'd die.) She paused to let that sink in. (I'll walk to the end of the pier and I'll leave your head and enter the Pool. One of the Hork-Bajir Controllers will look after you.)
Another mental picture appeared, this time of a terrifying lizard creature, covered in blades, that must have been about seven feet tall. (The Hork-Bajir look fierce, but they are gentle creatures, and besides, this one will have a Yeerk in its head, just like me. They'll take you somewhere comfortable to wait for a few hours until I have fed, then I'll return to you.)
(Where do I wait? Do I go back up to the mall? How will I know when I need to come back?)
(No, you wait down here,) Silrin said quietly. (There's a room for you to wait in… I think it has a TV, and some snacks, that kind of thing.)
(You think? Don't you know?) Carla knew Silrin had had a human host before… surely, she'd waited in the same place, so Silrin would know what it looked like even if she'd never been there herself.
There was a hesitation before Silrin answered, and Carla felt a strange disconnection from the Yeerk: she no longer had a sense of what Silrin was feeling. Before she could ask any more, however, a horrifying sound reached her ears: a long, blood-curdling scream.
Carla felt panic rising inside her mind, and instinctively tried to stop dead. Her body, however, carried on moving steadily for a few steps. Silrin turned Carla's head, looking all round them, before she came to a halt.
(It's OK,) she said soothingly.
Carla was in no mood to be soothed, though, as now she was listening more carefully she could hear other cries. (What's happening?)
(It's fine. It's normal.) Silrin seemed uncomfortable, though Carla still couldn't feel the emotion when Silrin wasn't speaking.
(NORMAL?!) Carla exclaimed incredulously, trying desperately to think what could be causing the cries. (But… but Talen told me it doesn't hurt, she told me…)
(It won't hurt,) Silrin said gently. (I'll release the same painkillers I did when I came in. I would never hurt you, Carla.)
Carla tried to nod, and belatedly realised she actually had; Silrin must have released some control. She still couldn't move the rest of her body, or speak verbally, however. She believed the Yeerk, but that still didn't explain the source of the screams.
(OK. I trust you. But why are people screaming?)
There was a long silence. (Not… not everyone wants their Yeerks back,) Silrin said quietly. (Some humans don't want to be infested.)
Carla'd suspected as much, from the moment Talen had told her about the Yeerks. She didn't believe for a moment that every single person the Sharing approached had agreed to infestation, and if they let those ones who didn't go she was pretty sure the secret would have been out by now. But the screams... the cries… that was something she hadn't been prepared for.
As she stood there thinking, Carla became aware of another sound: footsteps on the stone behind them. Instantly, her body began to move again.
(Sorry,) Silrin said to her. (I can't be seen to just be standing here… they… they might…)
Carla became aware of a cold dread from her Yeerk, and her anger at being moved again before she was ready evaporated. (It's OK.)
Her terror only grew, though, as they went further down the stairs and she began to hear individual words within the cries.
"No! No! No!"
"Go to hell, slug!"
"Help! Somebody help us!"
Then they emerged into the cavern itself, and Carla wanted to stop dead again, wanted to turn and run away, but her body kept moving forward.
(If we ran away, I'd starve,) Silrin whispered to her.
Carla didn't want that to happen. She'd come to care about the Yeerk over the last few days, but her instinct was still to start running and never look back. There were cages down here, packed with people crying, screaming, holding each other or, what was strangely even worse, sitting silently, staring into space. Carla had never imagined such a sight, not even when she'd heard the screams.
Instinctively, Carla wanted to stare, but she felt her eyes being pulled away from the row of cages, fixing determinedly on a line of much calmer humans walking out to the end of a pier.
(Silrin… what… why…) Carla was lost for words.
(I wish we didn't have to do that to them,) Silrin said quietly. (I can hardly bear it myself. But we have to, Carla. Can't you imagine how the human governments would react if they found out we were here? They'd kill us all. They'd kill Talen… they'd kill me.)
That did make some sense… if they let all those people go at once Carla knew the human government would probably attack them. (But why come to Earth at all?)
(We're at war, Carla. There's another species called the Andalites… they hate us, they want to kill us all. Without hosts…) A picture of a small, green-grey slug appeared in Carla's head. (Without hosts we're blind, we can barely hear, our movement is very limited, and we're tiny, soft, vulnerable slugs. Take us out of liquid and we'd dry out and die within a few hours. Take us away from Kandrona and we'd die within a few days. The Andalites, on the other hand…) Another picture appeared in Carla's mind: a tall, swift four-legged creature with four eyes, two hands and a sharp scorpion tail. (Without hosts, we could never win against the Andalites. They'd kill us all.)
Carla felt desperately torn. How much could she really do to help those people? All she'd manage to accomplish would be to join them. But how could she just do nothing when…?
(Oh, Carla, please don't.)
Silrin's distress was so palpable it was physical, turning Carla's stomach and making tears prickle behind her eyes.
(Don't fight, please. You're right, it would accomplish nothing and we… we get on well, don't we? You like me being here, you care about me already, despite how strange this is for you. And I care about you, too… it would hurt me to see you hurt, I'd miss the conversations we have… please…)
Carla felt another wave of emotion hit her at Silrin's words. She did care about Silrin… she'd never had a relationship this intimate before, her relationship with her mother having been troubled and increasingly distant as she got older, and her relationship with her father non-existent as far as she could remember. While she'd only known the Yeerk three days, the depth of their mind-to-mind contact made it feel much longer. Silrin had shown her a depth of understanding and kindness that she'd thought only existed in dreams and Disney movies, and Carla was desperate not to disappoint her.
As she was thinking this, however, two Hork-Bajir passed them bearing a woman between them. The woman was flailing her legs, making a loud clanging sound as she kicked helplessly against the metal pier.
"Get your hands off me, filth!" She screamed frantically, her eyes roaming desperately over the line of impassive people queuing to release their Yeerks into the sludgy pool.
Carla would have felt sick, if the link between her emotions and the bodily expression of them wasn't interrupted by Silrin. The woman passed them, the sound of her kicks and screams getting fainter as she was taken away down the pier. Silrin kept their eyes facing forwards. They were close to the front of the line, now, and one of the huge lizards- Hork-Bajir, Carla reminded herself- turned to face them.
"Name?"
"Silrin six-nine-three," Silrin replied formally, not a trace of her turbulent emotions audible in her voice.
The Hork-Bajir peered at a small handheld device that looked a little like a TV remote, except that it contained a screen, and pressed something on it.
"First time host," it stated. "Voluntary or cage?"
(Carla,) Silrin said inside her head. (Carla, I need to tell him… are you going to try and fight?)
(I…) Carla hesitated. She wanted to look around, to look back at the caged hosts, but of course she couldn't. (I don't know.)
"Glahish!" The Hork-Bajir said. Carla didn't understand the word, but from Silrin's reaction it sounded like he was telling her to hurry up.
(Please, Carla,) Silrin moaned.
The panic in the Yeerk's tone shocked her. She'd never heard Silrin sounding anything but calm and gentle until today. She was clearly desperate to keep their friendship, even though she'd have total control of Carla's body either way. Carla didn't think anyone else in her life had ever cared so much about what she thought of them, and it was that realisation that made her decision.
(I won't fight. I promise.)
Carla felt a tsunami of relief and joy flowing into her from Silrin, who spoke immediately.
"Voluntary," she said, unable to keep a small smile from creeping onto Carla's face.
"Hashik… certain?"
"Certain."
The Hork-Bajir pressed another button on his device, nodded curtly, and gestured them towards the edge of the pier, where another group of Hork-Bajir were waiting. The queue ahead of them had cleared in the time Carla had spent making her decision.
Silrin stepped forward and knelt down at the edge of the water. Two of the Hork-Bajir moved a little closer.
"Voluntary?" one of them confirmed.
Silrin nodded. "Yes. She doesn't know where she's going… she's nervous… can you…?"
One of the Hork-Bajir nodded again. "I'll take care of her," she said reassuringly.
Silrin nodded. "Alsh'mara," she said to the Hork-Bajir, before lowering her head so Carla's ear dipped below the surface of the water.
(I'll see you in a few hours,) Silrin said softly. (Thank you, Carla, you've done so well with all of this.)
(Enjoy your dinner,) Carla managed to say despite her nerves, wanting to reassure Silrin that she still liked her, though of course that was pointless. Silrin could see, couldn't she?
(Thank you. Keep your head as still as you can until I've left your ear. The Hork-Bajir Controller will take you from there.)
(OK,) Carla said, then felt the strange sensation of a gradual loss of contact with Silrin's emotions and consciousness. Then, she felt parts of her body gradually coming back under her own control- her right foot, then her right leg, travelling all up that side of her body before releasing her left side. Finally, she felt the strange, anaesthetised feeling of Silrin moving through her right ear canal, until the tip of Silrin's tail slid over the base of Carla's ear, and she felt safe enough to slowly move her head, pushing herself up onto her feet.
The Hork-Bajir from earlier was standing close to her, a hand hovering over her shoulder but not touching. "I am Miliss," the Hork-Bajir said, her words slow. Carla would later find out that slowing speech down to an almost glacial rate was one of the few ways to counteract the tendency of Hork-Bajir brains to mix languages. She removed a device like the one the other Hork-Bajir had had from a belt around her waist, and glanced at it. "You are Carla?"
"Yes."
Miliss nodded. "I'll take you to the lounge. You can wait there. Come with me, please." Miliss waved a Hork-Bajir arm, beckoning Carla to her side, and began the long walk back down the steel pier. Carla could see the cages more clearly now, her eyes drawn constantly back to them now she was back in control. Her eyes fixed on a man, smartly dressed as though he had come from some high-flying job, sobbing uncontrollably in a corner, then travelled to a young woman who was screaming, spitting and swearing as she was dragged from her cage by the guards.
Carla felt a shudder go through her body as she watched the Hork-Bajir dragging the woman away towards a second pier, which was full of similar scenes of anger and despair.
"So, Carla," Miliss began from next to her, "what do you do, up there?" she gestured towards the stairs leading out of the Pool. "Do you work?"
Carla shrugged. "Sometimes. Not right now, though. I… I was kind of in a bad place when I joined the Sharing. They said they'd be able to find me a job, though, once they'd sorted out some other stuff."
Miliss nodded. "I'm sure we will. What did you do when you were working?"
Carla wasn't sure why the Yeerk was so interested, but felt rude ignoring her, even though her mind kept being distracted by the things she could see and hear. They were rapidly leaving the pool and its cages behind, though, heading towards the buildings that lined the cavern's edge.
"Lots of different stuff. Retail. Cleaning. Serving in restaurants and bars. I liked that last one the best." Carla glanced away, looking at a collection of strange worm-like creatures that were congregating near to one of the buildings, hissing excitedly. Taxxons, she reminded herself.
"That's great. I think they always need skilled servers at the Sharing. Though it depends on your Yeerk's skill set, too. What did she do before you, do you know?"
Carla pulled her gaze back to Miliss'. "I think she was a fighter pilot, for a while."
Miliss made a strange clicking sound with her beak, which Carla took for a sign of admiration based on the words that followed. "Wow, she sounds brave. Skilled, too, you have to have fast reactions for that kind of work. What host body did she have for that, then? Was it a Taxxon?"
"I think so. She said they have naturally quick reactions and they're very nimble," Carla recited. They were now approaching a doorway in the side of one of the buildings, which Miliss held open for her. As soon as it shut, the cries and shouts became markedly quieter. Instead, Carla could hear the sound of a TV, and gentle chatter.
"This is where you'll wait," Miliss said. "I'll show you round." She'd reached another door, which she opened to reveal an assortment of humans, Hork-Bajir and Taxxons, spread across a large room. On the back wall there was a large TV surrounded by comfortable chairs, sofas and beanbags. Shelves full of videos covered the wall nearest to them, and there were small tables dotted around among the chairs. Looking away from there, to her left, Carla saw a long table with an assortment of drinks and snacks, although it was a very strange assortment. There were no chips or cookies, as you might expect. Instead, carrot batons and dips, dried fruit and nuts seemed to feature heavily, along with small sandwiches on brown bread, bowls of salad and platters of fresh fruit. Alongside these things, however, were bowls of what Carla was almost certain was tree bark.
"You can take any snacks and drinks you want," Miliss said. "We put human and Hork-Bajir foods in here; Taxxons have a connecting corridor through to their feeding sheds, because their food can be rather more messy. There's a TV area if you want to use it here too." She stepped further into the room, beckoning Carla to follow her. Just after the TV area, the wall came in a little, making a narrower space, and there were several doors off to the right, going into the cavern wall. "This is the access route to the Taxxon feeding sheds. Don't go down there: Taxxons are dangerous when they're feeding. This leads to the bathrooms for Hork-Bajir… again, you probably won't want to use that."
A little more relaxed now she could no longer hear or see what was going on outside, Carla smiled.
"This you might want to use," Miliss said, indicating the third door. "It'll take you down to the bathroom for humans. We've got showers down there too, if you ever want to use them." Once they walked past the door to the bathrooms, the room opened up again into a wider space. A few exercise bikes and treadmills were lined up against the walls, and there was a space in the centre with a smooth floor and no carpet. Energetic music played from a stereo on the wall, and there was a rack of CDs beneath it. As well as humans pedalling away on the exercise bikes, there were a few Hork-Bajir doing some sort of bizarre dance in the open space.
"Our exercise area," Miliss said, continuing to walk past towards a door in the wall at the far end. Once it was opened, Carla could see a smaller room containing a range of comfortable chairs, couches and cushions, this time with books and magazines dotted about on tables, and a stereo in the corner which was playing calm, quiet music. "This is our quieter space." She pointed to a door at the far end of the room. "That door leads through to sub-Visser 150's command room… her office, if you like. She's in charge of managing existing hosts for this sector. She might want to talk with you today, just to see how you are. She'll come and find you, if that's the case, and someone will come for you in about two hours, to take you to the Pool for Silrin."
Carla nodded. "Okay."
Miliss made a facial expression that Carla didn't understand, lifting the upper part of her bird-like beak towards her eyes and slightly sideways to the left, while the lower part moved sideways to the right. She hoped that was a smile. "Do you need anything else?"
Carla shook her head, then realised this might be as foreign to Miliss as Miliss' expression had been to her. "No, thank you."
"I'll leave you, then," Miliss said gently. "Enjoy."
Carla watched Miliss' bladed back retreat as she sank into a squashy armchair, thoughts and emotions racing through her mind.
Carla abruptly came back to the reality of the bright, white bathroom at a tap on the door.
"Hey," someone was whispering. "You okay in there?"
Carla hastily reached up to wipe at the salty tracks of tears on her cheeks. She hadn't even realised she'd been crying. Clicking the lock back as quietly as possible, she came face-to-face with Kalran.
"Carla? Couldn't sleep?"
She shook her head.
"Want to talk about it? You look upset." Kalran's voice was gentle, coaxing, her body leaning forwards slightly as she asked the question.
Carla, however, felt this was the last person in the apartment she wanted to explain her dream to. Kalran would probably sympathise with any involuntary who wanted to hurt Carla, although maybe not quite to the extent of knifing her. "You wouldn't understand."
Kalran shrugged. "Maybe not. Well, I'm always ready to talk if you ever feel like seeing if that's true." She paused. "Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, maybe?"
Carla had expected Kalran to push a little harder for an answer- any of the other Yeerks would have done, and Alniss would not have rested until Carla told her everything that was going on in her mind. A hot drink and a bit of aimless chatter sounded a lot better than rehashing her dream, and she found herself nodding. "Okay. Thanks."
A few minutes later, they were seated in the living room, hot mugs of camomile tea resting on the scratched coffee table. There was silence for a few minutes, but Carla could feel herself beginning to slip back into unpleasant memories, so hastened to find something to say. "How come you're awake at this time, anyway?"
Kalran looked at her hesitantly. "Sometimes I just don't sleep well."
Carla said nothing, looking steadily back at her.
"I guess… I miss Oglud and Ilkiss, and, well… lots of things, I suppose." Kalran shook her head slightly. "Anyway, you don't need to listen to all my problems."
That reminded Carla of something she'd wanted to ask Kalran for a while, but she'd never been sure if it was the right time. "I… I know you don't think there's any way you can help Oglud get out of the Pool, but I was wondering… would you mind if I tried to do something to help them?"
Kalran smiled. "I don't have a monopoly on trying to help those Yeerks, you know, just because my mate happens to be one of them. Of course you can try, if you want to."
Carla felt a rush of surprise: she hadn't expected Kalran to say yes. She felt a smile creeping onto her face for the first time that night. "What can I do? Who have you already tried asking- you said Cassie, right?"
Kalran nodded. "The state governor, the president, anyone in congress I thought would be vaguely sympathetic… various lower-ranking politicians… I even wrote to a couple of newspapers. One interviewed me, but the piece she wrote was just about how horrific involuntary infestation was and how sorry I was for my part in it. Which is fair enough, in my view… I'm not saying I don't need to answer for what I did, not at all, but they didn't mention anything about Oglud or the others, anything about what I had done to fight the Empire… Sara was fuming when she saw it."
Carla jerked slightly at the mention of Sara's name, feeling suddenly ill. Kalran noticed.
"She wouldn't hurt you, you know. It's not in her nature."
Carla said nothing, looking down at the ground. She could feel tears pricking behind her eyelids.
"I'm sorry," Kalran said gently, sounding sincere. "I shouldn't have mentioned her."
Carla shrugged. "She's your host," she said, straining to sound nonchalant and relaxed. "Of course you're going to talk about her." Carla averted her eyes, looking towards the kitchen area. A few clean mugs were stacked on the draining board, but otherwise it was extremely tidy. Menhal's work: he was incredibly neat. Carla had wondered in the past whether that was something to do with the genetic mix of his human morph, or part of his Yeerk personality.
Kalran didn't speak for a while, and when she did her voice was hesitant. "If you're feeling guilty, remember that I've hurt her far more than you ever could."
Carla frowned slightly, but still didn't meet Kalran's eyes. "Who said I was feeling guilty? Anyway, you can't have hurt her, you were in the peace movement."
"Not at first. Not until I'd been in her over a month."
Kalran's voice was cracking, which made Carla finally raise her eyes to meet hers. When she did, she saw they were full of tears. Carla felt at a loss to say something to make the Yeerk feel better. Her instinctive response, which was that Sara would have suffered less by accepting the situation and trying to befriend Kalran, would certainly not be well-received.
"She seems to like you now," Carla said gently, after half a minute's silence. "A lot more than she likes me."
Kalran nodded shakily. "Yes. She's incredibly forgiving."
"Well, you must have done something right. And… you're really kind, or you seem that way, anyway. I'm sure she could've got someone worse than you, even at the start."
"That's not really the point… but thank you." Kalran took another sip of her tea. The tears had stopped coming, now, but they still left glistening tracks on her face. "Are you sure you're alright?"
Carla sighed. "No."
Kalran said nothing, but slowly set the tea down, her eyes never leaving Carla's face.
"I… my dream… it was about my first time at the Pool."
Kalran nodded. "Mmm," was all she said, the noise inviting.
"I mean, it wasn't accurate. In the dream I somehow ended up in a cage and someone tried to…" she broke off, looking down. "But then, after I woke up, I started remembering properly."
"It seems like it's a distressing memory for you."
Carla looked down at the worn carpet. "I guess… I mean, it wasn't… I liked Silrin, even then. I was glad when she came back in my head."
"Mmm," Kalran murmured again.
"I… it was the others."
"Others? Other Yeerks?"
Carla shook her head. "The… the humans. The ones who didn't…" she trailed off. "I- I don't want to- I can't talk about it," she said in a rush, still avoiding eye contact.
"That's okay."
Carla took a few deep, shuddering breaths, trying to stop herself crying. "I'm sorry."
Kalran frowned. "Why are you apologising to me?"
Carla looked at her, confused. "I'm wasting your time."
Kalran's eyes widened. "Of course you're not." She sighed. "This is one of the times I miss my Yeerk body. It's so hard to communicate accurately like this."
Carla knew what she meant. With Silrin, emotions had almost always come with words: she could feel things like warmth and honesty coming across to her whenever the Yeerk spoke. Sometimes, words weren't even needed: the emotions were enough. "I feel like that too," Carla said quietly. "I miss being infested… that's probably wrong, isn't it?"
"No," Kalran said emphatically but softly, drawing out the vowel. "Of course it isn't."
There was silence for a few minutes. Carla slowly sipped her tea, trying to concentrate on the taste like Silrin had taught her.
"You know… Ilkiss and I are going to see Oglud in three days. Do you want to come with us?"
Carla looked up sharply, frowning. "You're not thinking of putting Oglud in my head, are you? What'd they do to her if someone found out?"
"Of course not!" Kalran looked horrified, and Carla instantly regretted what she'd said. "By the Kandrona, they'd kill her! No… I just thought you might want to talk to her… I suppose I should say them." Kalran shook her head exasperatedly. "Your language needs more pronouns… anyway, you don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought you might like to meet each other. It raises her spirits a lot whenever I tell her about someone who's on her side, who wants things to change."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking straight. Of course you wouldn't risk… but I'd love to meet her!"
Kalran's face was split by a joyful smile. "That's wonderful! We were going to leave here at six Wednesday night- is that okay?"
Carla nodded, yawning as she did so. "That sounds perfect," she said, setting her empty mug down.