Chapter 19: Dare to Believe

As hard as it was for Zarya to admit it… she was nervous. This was a big step towards becoming a Jedi, and most days, she still felt like some kind of imposter in the temple for many reasons. Her heart just wasn't in it half the time.

And here she was, on the sacred planet of Ilum, inside the temple and lost in a maze in the hopes of finding her very own kyber crystal.

At least Anakin was still with her. All the other initiates dispersed in different directions in small groups, leaving Zarya and Anakin by themselves. Which was fine by them, they weren't exactly friends with the others anyway.

Still. They were lost, probably running in circles, with no idea where to go or even where they came from.

Plus, the entryway to this maze was a long, narrow waterfall of ice that melted in daylight, but froze over at sundown, so their time was very limited. Zarya was already picturing a wall of ice slowly forming and coming down, closing the door until next sunrise. Which wouldn't be in a few hours, but a few days. Great.

It was a great start, truly. An hour in and Zarya felt ready to call it a day. Not that she would.

Not that Anakin would let her.

"Maybe we have to walk farther? There has to be an end eventually… Yoda said that this was a trial right? What do you think it is?"

They walked passed that specific ice stalactite before, she was sure of it.

"I think it depends from person to person. If we have to earn our crystal in some way, the obstacles should be different from one person to another."

Anakin made a face at that. "Why? And how could some cave do that, it isn't sentient."

"The Force works in mysterious ways," Zarya replied with a hint of mockery. Didn't they see that particular junction before? Anakin mindlessly took the left one, Zarya following without a thought. "And this isn't just a cave, it's a Jedi temple. Who knows how this all works."

"But why can't the obstacle be the same for everyone?"

Zarya tilted her head, trying to put her thoughts into words.

"What if, for example; to earn our crystal, everyone had to show control on their Force abilities. This is just as an example. Some of us already have better control than others our ages, and would be able to do it no problem; it wasn't even a challenge for those ones. Others would struggle more, and when they would finally succeed, it will mean that they have learned the control they needed to get that crystal. It was a challenge for them, and they come out with new knowledge about themselves and their abilities, while the others will only come out with their crystal, nothing else gained or learned. Does that make sense?"

Anakin took a few seconds to mull over her words as they kept walking aimlessly in different sections of the ice cave-labyrinth-thing. (Pretty sure she recognized that wall too; there was a weird pattern inside of it that was recognizable.)

"I think so. Yoda said that this would be a trial for all of us, that we had to trust ourselves and each other." He seemed a bit sceptical at that last part. They were left alone from the beginning, so she couldn't really blame him. "If that is true, then it will be hard for everyone to get their crystal." He contemplated on what could await them before turning to her with a smile, optimism high. "Anyways, no matter how this goes, it should be easy for us as long as we're together, right?"

They both stopped on the spot, Zarya's eyes wide in realization while Anakin's smile froze on his face.

"Anakin."

"Zarya."

"…"

"We've been walking in circles for an hour—"

"—and still no hint of either of our crystals."

"…"

"We always do everything together—"

"—and there just happens to be a fork in our path right ahead."

They both looked at the path that, in fact, did conveniently diverge in two different directions. Obviously so.

Alright. Who goes where?

They looked at each other again, both exclaiming at the same time:

"Right."

"Left."

Zarya sighed. "Kriff."

"Language!"

She vaguely batted the air between them as a brush off with a "You've heard worse!" before she went in the right passage as Anakin took the left with a parting good luck.

So much for sticking together.

(( ))

Since they've separated, it didn't take too long for Zarya to spot what she believes to be her crystal inside an ice wall. So she's found it, not too bad, not too bad. Also, she felt Anakin's presence in her mind slip away little by little, but he felt fine so no need to panic for the moment.

Now how can she, alone, take it from under at least two meters thick of ice, what the hell, how is she supposed to reach it she doesn't have the lightsaber necessary for this, its main component is literally the thing stuck inside two meters of ice—

Ahem. Anyway. She guesses that's the challenge, right?

…

How do you break ice that thick?

…

She misses internet.

(( ))

Another hour or so ticked by. She's tried everything, from trying to find another path that's closer to her crystal stuck deep in the wall, to using the force—she managed to crack it in specific places, but not enough to do any real damage—, to hitting the ice with a fallen ice stalactite (Is there anything else than ice in this cave?!), to trying to call Anakin for help—

Can you hear me? Where are you, why can't I reach you, what's happening—

Yeah that wasn't working out for some reasons. Not being able to feel or communicate with him anymore really threw her off balance and wasn't helping her already frazzled nerves.

But this wasn't the moment for a panic attack. She pushed back any tears of frustration that wanted to come out (damn her child brain) and sat down, chin on her fist, trying to think.

There had been a clone wars episode on Ilum and initiates getting their crystals, she knew that. She didn't remember much, unfortunately: the first image that came to her was of a human boy running to Yoda triumphantly and showing off his crystal, before realizing it was only a shard of ice that melted in his palm.

She remembered another boy with green skin (nautolan or rodian?) breaking his datapad in frustration. If she had to guess, it showed him every crystal in the cave, but not the one specifically for him.

So. One was cocky and the other relied on technology, neither could find their crystals so easily. How did they find it in the end?

She groaned in frustration, pulling on her shoulder length hair. She couldn't remember more than that.

She'd put down in notes every single one of her memories related to Star wars in a datapad hidden in her room, coded in a mix of English and French even if the alphabet is the aurebesh one, so that she could never forget more details than she already did. And she knows that she doesn't have much in there on Ilum; she checked right before the trip.

Ok. Think, think.

One was cocky; one relied too much on technology. Let's keep it simple, dumb even. The cocky one runs back in to finally find his crystal and comes out with it. He… learns to be less cocky? No.

Let's say he came out first— cue superior complex— but since he had to go back in, he came out last in the end. Humility? Maybe.

The second one broke his machine and instead, finds his crystal with the force, trusting himself instead of a tool. Probably learned confidence in himself.

Something like that.

In the end, it's not a skill that they learn, but a …fault, kind of, that they need to realize or surpass.

So her own fault would be—

Well that list goes on for miles:

Indecisive - Pfff, does anyone really know what they want at her age?

Apathetic – oh come on, give it a break, she's getting better! Grieving your whole entire life takes time!

Selfish – There's Anakin! She cares about him more than herself at this point, that's selfless! Right? No?

Absent-minded – is that a flaw? Is having your head in the clouds constantly really a flaw?

Dishonest – How will honesty help her reach a crystal under two meters of glass?

Pessimist – This is going to take all day isn't it?

(( ))

After much self-reflection, searching again for a solution she could've missed (she didn't), a near breakdown and a headache, Zarya finally came to a conclusion.

She needs help to break that wall. Lots of it. Every single person still in this cave that she can find.

Hopefully if she begs they'll come to her aid.

And that's how, a little while later; she came back to the wall where her crystal was stuck in with three other initiate kind enough to help her in tow.

As they quietly talked in the way there, she mentally took note of their names. There was Nahdar that she already knew in passing from fighting him before, a bothan boy named Zik that she knew tended to be on the quiet side and a blonde human girl named Shay who tended to be bold, but the happy-go-lucky kind.

Not exactly people she knew much, but as long as they could help her, it should be alright.

She wished Anakin was here.

Shay whistled when she saw the wall they apparently had to break, incredulous. "I'm all for lending a hand, but how are we going to reach that far?"

"Maybe we should head back. Time is passing fast and I don't want to be stuck in here," Zik grumbled, nervous.

"Don't worry about that," replied Zarya. "It shouldn't take very long."

"He's is just in a rush because he hasn't found his crystal yet," Nahdar explained neutrally. Zik threw him a glare.

"Then I should really thank you, in that case," she quickly intervened with a smile before an argument could begin. "Putting someone else before yourself is very selfless so, thank you, truly."

At least he seemed to soften a bit at that, nodding in acknowledgment, if slightly defeated.

"Now, I promise this won't take long; I've already made a bit of damage to that wall myself and discovered its weak points in doing so. You're helping me do something that would've taken me hours in a few minutes. So, Shay could you come right here at the base, yeah, put your hand right there…"

Zarya showed the three of them the best places to break the wall and, when they were all in position, put her own hand on the ice, right in the middle and above her kyber crystal.

At her signal, they all reached into the Force to try and crack the ice.

Just as she'd hoped, the weak points worked! Shay was the first to make a crack in her spot and it spread from there to the middle where Zarya put her hand and the two other spots until they had made more room to damage the ice.

"It's working!"

"It is!" Zarya observed the damage they did. "Now that we've weakened it, let's try and shake it a bit, it won't be able to resist that."

They used the force again but this time, made the wall vibrate from the inside. The cracks they previously made expanded until pieces of the wall fell off and, eventually, it all broke down on the floor, creating a loud ruckus that made them jump away.

They stared at the remains incomprehensively for a beat.

"We did it."

It was just a murmur, but it was enough for Shay to hear her and let out a loud whoop, jumping and hugging the two boy's necks in victory, making them laugh just as happily. Zarya, relieved, picked up her crystal with the force, making it float just above her palm.

"We did it," she whispered to herself again. This was… incredible.

"Hey! I've found my crystal; it was right here in that same wall!"

Zik indeed picked up his own crystal from the remains of the wall, holding it up in triumph.

"Guess it wasn't a waste of time after all, huh?" Zarya teased lightly.

"Um, guys?" Nahdar started hesitantly. "Not to burst your bubble but we should really head back, I don't know how much time passed since we went in—"

"Oh stars, everyone run!"

Maybe there wasn't that much of a rush, but Shay's panicked cry made them jump in fright and run back for their life all the same. The way Shay was screaming in "mock" fear the whole way did make the others laugh though.

Zarya smiled, running right alongside them.

(( ))

Of course, of course Anakin had to be the last to come back, dramatically sliding feet first at the base of the narrow ice waterfall to break the thin ice that had already built up and jumping to his feet, victorious with his crystal held up high.

In the less physical way, he also broke the wall that was separating their minds back in that cave and every ounce of tension that had built up by the minute in Zarya's body finally melted at having his familiar presence at the back of her senses once more.

Even if she didn't doubt him for a second, she still worried he could've needed her help after all, but they were separated for a reason. She was even surprised they weren't separated by force instead of choice but admittedly, if one had fallen in a hole or something the other would've jumped in too with no hesitation, so that wouldn't have worked well.

"Oh thank the Force!" Shay exclaimed. "I thought he was going to be stuck in there for good! The wall was almost completely closed."

"No one would have stayed stuck behind a few millimeters of ice," the boy (Ferus was it?) who said that rolled his eyes. "It takes days for ice to thicken enough for it to matter."

She grimaced his way, not appreciating his scathing tone. "Master Yoda said we would be trapped!"

"Only by your own limitations," interrupted a young Aayla Secura. "Everyone is out safe and sound in the end, that's all that matters."

Zarya had been pleasantly surprised when she saw that it would be her that accompanies them to Ilum. Seeing people she knew about from stories, even if just a little bit, was often interesting.

Not always. She could do without crossing paths with the newly elected Chancellor ever again, thank you. (Unlikely, he was a slimy leach who stuck his nose everywhere it didn't belong.)

"Did everyone get their kyber crystal?" All the initiates present nodded and showed them to her in different degrees of enthusiasm. "Good job," the twi'lek padawan continued. "I trust you've all learned something along the way, too?" She smiled with a mischievousness Zarya didn't expect coming from her. Anakin took that moment to take his place next to her, eyeing the children that stayed close to her curiously.

"Mmh. That they did." Yoda stepped forward, effortlessly grabbing everyone's attention. "Very young, you all are. Much to learn you still have, but ready you are to accept that knowledge, if prove anything today does." Then, he went from initiate to initiate, mentioning what they've achieved like patience, trust and perseverance to name just a few.

He reached the small group nearest to Zarya, pointing to Nahdar first: "Restraint."

To Shay: "Caution."

Zik: "Selflessness."

Zarya didn't expect, nor understand the word she received: "Purpose."

She almost missed the "Tolerance" he said to Anakin, she was turning her own given word in her head. Looking around, she saw that most initiates were proud of what they got, some a bit embarrassed, but none confused like her.

Purpose. How is purpose what she was missing in that cave? Her purpose was to get her crystal, no?

When they were told they would go back to the temple and construct their lightsaber on the way, Zarya was the only one who didn't cheer.

(( ))

Back on the ship, Aayla was quick to gather all twelve initiates and introduce them to the lightsaber designer named Huyang, a tall grey droid with yellow optics and a two-layered voice, one much deeper than the other.

He also had the most personality she's ever seen in a droid.

In no time, everyone was sitting in different spots in the room, with a giant hologram of a lightsaber diagram, turning slowly on the spot. Everyone was hard at work but unusually quiet, floating parts trying to form themselves into the weapon desired.

Anakin was the most advance of their group at the task, having already chosen his parts and built his lightsaber once. Now, he was trying to modify it to have different intensities and length, much to the consternation of Huyang who was often seen hovering around the creative boy.

As for Zarya, she was still searching for parts in a box, indecisive.

They were supposed to imagine what it would feel like in their hands, and from there they would know the shape of their sabre as well as their material, but Zarya didn't understand how she could know. Couldn't she have a choice of lightsabers and decide from there? How was she supposed to know before she made it, and what if she didn't like what she makes?

Maybe she was overthinking this.

She looked at the lightsabers parts in the box before her. Yet should she really…

"Need any help?"

She did not jump, having felt padawan Aayla coming, but she was still caught off guard since she was lost in her thoughts and not paying much attention to her surroundings.

A wave of amusement/worry/curiosity came from the older girl, but she did a great job at keeping a neutral, if inviting, expression on her face.

Unnecessary, but it's not like she knew Zarya could feel her emotions like an open book.

"You've been looking in those boxes for a while," she added when Zarya didn't respond. "Are you looking for something specific?"

"Not really, just, I'm not sure what to pick. Nothing feels right…"

Now she felt sceptic. "Nothing?"

Zarya only bowed her head, letting her hair hide her face from view. She didn't want to show her hesitation, and it had the bonus of making eye contact less likely, too.

"Come on, there has to be something in there that could suit y—"

"What do you think Master Yoda meant by 'purpose'?" Zarya cut in unexpectedly. She hadn't really meant to ask, but the question kept turning in her head, and the answer seemed right on the tip of her tongue…

Aayla looked at her first in surprise, then searchingly. Zarya felt like she was being analyzed, and she wasn't sure what the twi'lek was seeing. A mere child? She was younger than the others, having caught up with them easily in class. Maybe someone out of place? Aayla seemed to take note of the complete lack of eye contact by the way she was trying to catch her gaze.

"I don't know you personally," Aayla began slowly after a minute. "Nor am I as insightful as Master Yoda. But I can feel how lost you seem, I've noticed this the moment I first saw you. As if you're going with the motion without any specific goal in mind. Apart, maybe, following your friend around?" She looked towards Anakin at that, Zarya following her gaze. "It isn't a bad thing, per say, but maybe a bit naïve, for lack of a better word, to think that going through life without aiming for anything will amount to anything."

She looked back at Zarya, who stubbornly kept her gaze on Anakin instead. "If Shays' enthusiastic retelling of the events in the crystal cave is true, you needed the help of others to get your kyber crystal, right?" At the nod she received, she continued. "I think that when saying 'purpose', Master Yoda meant a will, a volition to go through with something no matter the obstacle. You had to put aside whatever pride, hesitation, or doubt you had to go search for help and accomplish your goal; and you did it, from what I've heard, with very little trouble."

"I wasted a lot of time searching for alternatives before that, though," intervened Zarya. "It wasn't my first course of action."

"Not the first you decided on, but perhaps your first you thought of when you saw how difficult it would be by yourself?"

Zarya nodded distractedly at that.

"Then maybe what you need to work on is exactly that. Your purpose, what you want to accomplish. As soon as you went for the right solution, everything went quite smoothly. Imagine what you could accomplish if you were always as driven as you were in that cave."

It wasn't Aayla's intention, she was sure, but it still felt like a slap on the face. It was true, all of it, Zarya knew this but never wanted to face it. She didn't take action enough, always worrying what could become of Anakin, always afraid of the control chip in her head and the ones who could control it, always looking back at what could have been, but never at what could be.

Even keeping a failsafe at all times in her pocket in the form of a comlink from Novi. An escape, should she ever decide to leave everything behind.

"So, having said that… What feels right to you?"

Zarya finally tore her eyes off Anakin, looking at Aayla who gestured towards the box full of parts. She analysed the parts again for the hundredth time, but for the first time, picked up the ones that felt right to her.

She was going to stand out more than she already did; something she'd never dared to before.

And she will make a difference in this galaxy, something she'd never believed she could do before.

She was tired, yes. But she wanted to be daring, and she wanted to believe.

The imperfectly straight handle made of Cartusion whale bone, even incomplete, felt right at home in her hand.

"An interesting choice," commented Aayla.

"Whoa, it looks so cool! That one seems perfect for you, 'Rya!"

She just knew Anakin's enthusiasm was triggered by her own, for once, if not intensified by his thrill at feeling her be anything more than her usual content.

She smiled. "It truly is."

(

Not sure what a lightsaber made of bones means exactly, but I wanted to make her different in a way since her color will probably be more ordinary. Speaking of color, what should hers be? Or Anakin, the same or changed from what it should have been?

Not a lot happened in the recent chapters, and I am sorry for this, but it should go faster from here. A bit more time jumps and a lot more doing than thinking, since she just metaphorically kicked herself in the ass (with a bit of help from future councillor Secura) and made the choice to start acting instead of enduring.

Her mental stability is still somewhat in question from time to time, and this will certainly not help! This should be fun.

Ps: The Oc's (Zik and Shay) might make another appearance or two, but they are not particularly important so maybe not (Fillers). Nahdar Vebb and Ferus Olin are actual characters if you've never heard of them, you can look them up!

And with that, see you next chapter!

-Maginary

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