Chapter 21: Owned by Emotions

Zarya pounced on her opponent. Blow after blow, she didn't let them get away again, nor did she give them a chance to retaliate much.

She felt their surprise at the drastic switch of upper hand. No longer was she cowering in the middle, turning on the spot trying to catch a glimpse of them. Zarya knew exactly where they were; no matter the amount of times they tried to use the darkness to their advantage like before.

The change was unexpected to those observing all around, too. But all Zarya could concentrate on was how she was surrounded by all sides with no way to escape; not those people's emotions.

But most of her attention was focused on one person only. And she refused to make even one single mistake.

In this life, she never could afford mistakes.

The rodian's defense was admittedly impressive, and any other day, Zarya would've appreciated their skills and recognized a future form III master. Only, the thoughts crossing her mind weren't of admiration, but of danger.

And as new to form IV and V as she was, she still used the few moves she's learned as effectively as she could.

Zarya lost herself in the sounds of blades clashing together, panting, feet dragging on the ground and were those voices? She didn't dare lose her focus to hear what was being said.

After less than a minute of intense fighting, the rodian started to struggle more and more at intercepting her blade in time. Before long, she had hit them across their shoulders, which made them stagger back in surprise and pain.

She barely gave them a second to recover. Twirling the blade in her hand, she jumped at them again.

They managed to block her first strike, but the three following ones came fast and hard, making them lose their balance slightly.

She didn't waste the opportunity. In quick succession, she swept her blade low, forcing them to jump. What they didn't expect was for her to use her momentum to keep turning, a leg extended to catch their own ones before they even hit the ground.

They fell hard on their back, losing their breath from the impact.

Not missing a beat, Zarya closed the slight distance between them rapidly, raising her blade high—

Another presence was closing in on her from behind. A man.

Identifying him as the bigger threat, she turned to attack him instead, but a hand caught her wrist and twisted it with ease, disarming her. The man caught her sabre in his other hand before it could fall, and using her surprise and his marginally bigger frame, he made her fall to her knees.

It all happened so fast, Zarya didn't get the chance to fight back. Panic surged back in her with force, drowning the exterior world from her senses.

She could vaguely feel two hands on her shoulders, and sense the man was kneeling in front of her and talking, but that was it. There was a pressure in her mind, suffocating her thoughts, freezing her limbs, blocking her airways until she couldn't breathe shecouldn'tbreatheshecouldn'tbreathe—

—ya! Answer me please! What's happening, are you hurt?

Anakin

She could hear him through the bond, no doubt he was running to find her and get her out of…

…

There was nowhere to get her out of. She was at the temple. Opening her eyes and looking up, (when had she closed them?) she recognized Qui-Gon as the one holding her by the shoulders, still talking to her. It took her another minute of focusing on his face before his words even registered.

"-fine, you're safe here. Focus on me, on my voice. Now take a deep breath," she did so, realizing at the same time she'd stopped breathing at some point, "and relax. You're alright. It was just a panic attack. Now, I want you to pay attention to the position you're in."

Confused, she still did as he asked. She wasn't kneeling anymore, but sat down on the floor, her back to a large pillar. Somehow, he had moved them out of the training halls without her realizing.

At least she wasn't surrounded anymore. And the lights were on in this large hallway, which was a bonus.

The second thing she noticed was the pain in her lower back and her hands. She vaguely recalled how she was struck twice in her back, but what about her hands— oh. She was holding really hard on to Qui-Gon's forearms as he held her shoulders lightly, her knuckles worryingly white.

Slowly letting go of her iron grip, she was surprised he didn't show a single ounce of pain from how hard she'd grabbed him.

"Good, you're doing great," he continued. "Are you back with me?"

She nodded distractedly.

"What…" Zarya cleared her throat when her voice came out in a croak. "What happened?"

She immediately cringed, feeling stupid for even asking. She had panicked, it was obvious. She had panicked, and then attacked an initiate as they were already down.

"Are they okay? The kid I was fighting, did I hurt them?"

"Since your sabres were in their lowest settings, it was nothing the healers won't be able to heal on the spot, don't worry about him." He was gazing at her as he let her shoulders go, sitting back on his haunches. "You had quite the panic attack. Your instincts completely took over your mind, especially when I interfered. You don't remember much after that, do you?"

She shook her head.

"Well, people were looking over initiate Treisk; the child you fought, as I took you out of that room. You were unresponsive for a few minutes, only able to walk were I lead you before collapsing here and hyperventilating. I would've picked you up and get you to the healers, but…" He gestured from one side of his stomach to the other, where she knew a big scar showed where he almost got cut in two.

He sighed. "I really want to ask you what brought such fright in you, but it's probably wiser to wait until you're better and we can have a bit more privacy than this." Looking around, he frowned. "Honestly, I'm surprised we haven't been interrupted yet by—"

"Zarya!"

A small (still bigger than her, dammit) body ploughed into her own, bringing her to the ground on her right side with the boy on top of her, hugging her as tight as he could.

"—him," Qui-Gon finished with an amused smile.

"Ani… Anakin you're crushing me!"

"Sorry, sorry!" He quickly got off and immediately started rambling at her. "I thought you were hurt! You weren't answering me, and I felt a lot of fear coming from your side before I felt nothing at all until only a minute ago were you seemed fine like nothing happened? You scared me! I ran to you as fast as I could to help, but nothing is wrong?"

She spotted Obi-Wan coming towards them around the corner in a fast walk as Anakin talked, the tiniest bit winded after trying to keep up with his new ward. He quickly took in the situation, probably from the high-strung emotions running amuck around the three of them.

"Anakin," Zarya almost laughed at the sigh he gave along with the boy's name. Barely a few weeks in and he was already at that stage of exasperation. "If you would stop talking for a moment, I'm sure we can get an explanation.

"Right! Sorry again, 'Rya." Silence.

Oh. They were waiting for her to talk.

"I just…" She took a breath and tried again. "I… I guess I was just… reminded of when I was…"

"You were reminded of the orphanage, back before we even met." Anakin finished for her, voice surprisingly quiet all of a sudden.

The two adults looked at them with worry, knowing of Anakin's poor beginning, but very little about Zarya's.

She nodded once more, grateful that he understood and unwilling to speak more about it. Anakin scowled at the ground, feeling powerless at his inability to help her back then. Before he even knew of her existence.

"Something tells me it wasn't a good orphanage." Obi-Wan states slowly when no one elaborated.

"Let's just say we called it that because we didn't have a clue what else to refer this place as." Zarya replied drily. "Also, I'm pretty sure I need therapy because of that place."

Qui-Gon nodded thoughtfully. "I'll see what I can do about that." Glancing at Anakin, he added; "For the both of you."

Obi-Wan was acquiescing pointedly behind an offended Anakin.

"What? I don't need therapy, I'm fine!"

"You were a slave, Anakin. Your definition of 'fine' is 'traumatized' or even 'brainwashed' here in the free world," refuted Zarya, still as dry as the desert they grew up in.

The boy crossed his arms stubbornly. "I am fine, I don't have any problems like the episode you just had." Obi-Wan made a disapproving noise at that.

"No, but you do have a lot of nightmares. And your reaction to any form of negative interaction with adults is scarily subdued, like you're afraid of being hurt by them. Also, you often say 'master' in a way that makes it feel like you believe any master is your owner instead of a teacher." Obi-Wan met Anakin's glare with a raised eyebrow. "Should I continue? The list goes on."

And don't forget about your Krell episode, too.

He turned his glare to her at that.

Don't know what you're talking about.

"No, I think it's settled; and long overdue, apparently. You're both getting therapy."

Anakin groaned dramatically. Zarya managed to smile in amusement.

And maybe a bit of relief.

(( ))

It didn't come as a surprise to Zarya when she learned she's been disqualified from the tournament along with her opponent, her from breaking major duelling rules, and them from their injuries, no matter how minor they turned out to be (they'll probably have a light scar just below their clavicle for the rest of their life, she tried not to think about that too much.)

From what she's heard, the last round for all the winners from the second round was a free for all somewhere in the Temple, until only one stood. Just from that little information Zarya could see what the potential mentors looked at in that fight; not the winner, but what the combatants did in that situation.

If she had been a knight on the lookout for an apprentice, she would have taken the first two rounds as an opportunity to scope out the best duellists and tacticians. The last round would be to see who teamed up with whom, who betrayed said team to win, who went solo, who went all in and who waited for their time.

But oh well. It's not like it mattered anymore for her, since the whole disqualified thing.

There went her plans to get an apprenticeship early. (Would anyone even consider her after all that drama?)

On the plus side, Qui-Gon made good on his word and arranged for her and Anakin to meet regularly with a mind healer, separately for now. Since they were a dyad, the healers did find it important for them to see the same mind healer so they would have both sides of the stories where they intertwined, to have better context and understanding of the way they influenced each other, most likely.

So that was how, a few days later, Zarya sat legs crossed on a very comfortable round cushion in a softly lit private room with high windows in the Halls of Healing. In front of her was a very pretty young tholothian female sat in a similar manner and smiling gently. She did her best not to look her directly in the eyes like usual with most people, but this time proved more difficult than most.

Zarya was in love with her purple eyes.

"Why thank you, it's not often those meetings start on such a good note," the healer spoke, her smile now that much brighter.

Zarya blushed… for more than one reason. "I didn't mean to say that out loud."

"That's alright, it's completely normal to be nervous in your position. But there is no need to be stressed today, we're only going to try and get to know each other a bit better. So, do you have any questions on how those sessions are going to go?"

"…What's your name?"

She looked pleased by the inquiry. "I am Stass Allie, it's nice to meet you, Zarya."

The name seemed familiar, but for the life of her Zarya couldn't place it. Pushing the thought away for later, she realized by the silence that Allie was waiting for something. She wasn't too sure what the woman wanted from her, but she quickly ignored that line of thinking.

This wasn't the place to be on the defensive, this was for herself, to get better and avoid any more incidents in the future. Attacking allies wasn't something to make a habit of, no matter what excuses she might have.

Still, she had no idea what she should ask next, if there was a guideline either of them needed to follow.

"Are you a healer too, or more specialized in mental illnesses?" She asked, unsure if it was the good path to take.

"Unfortunately, no healer in the temple is specialized in only psychology," Allie answered without a pause. "Because of the code, very few Jedi allow those with stronger emotions to stay among the knights, let alone find help for their mental health. It is us, the healers, which are the most familiar with the depression, trauma or other mental stress our fellow members are afflicted with, especially when they've been hurt. We decided to act on that and studied with certified psychologists outside the Temple to try and encourage mental health in our ranks, but it's still a work in progress."

That made sense. With a line such as 'There is no emotion, there is peace', Jedi tended to detach themselves from their emotions by 'releasing them in the Force', whatever that meant, (Zarya didn't get that yet. Probably won't ever.) Or if they weren't able to do that, they pushed it down and ignored it.

Zarya did NOT want to know how many Pandora's boxes could be found in the Temple in the form of unprocessed trauma recessed to the deepest, darkest corners of unhappy Jedi knights' minds.

Yep, let's ignore that. No future terrorists or Sith in the making in that Temple, no sir!

She quickly thought of another question before she got too distracted.

"Wouldn't Jedi with training bonds or others similar to that know of their bonded mental struggles, though? Why only the healers take that seriously?"

The healer's smile turned a bit sadder at that. "That's not always the case. When near a friend, mentor or student, Jedi tend to feel more at ease or may try harder at concealing their distress if they often get berated for it. It's when they are alone that their true emotional state tends to shine through. When someone doesn't want others to know they are hurting, it's surprisingly easy to fool people around them.

"This is why I find myself very impressed by you, Zarya. You understood that you needed help, and you decided to come here by your own initiative, which takes a lot of courage and is very mature of you. I can tell you that this decision to get better and to find help to do so is the first step in getting better."

"I'm still nervous about all this, though," she mumbled, unsure how to feel at the praise.

"That's alright. We won't go into the heavy stuff just yet. Whatever you want to talk about, we will. I won't be forcing you to discuss your deepest secrets or anything. I'll just walk along with you wherever you want to go."

"Down memory lane?" Zarya wasn't sure if that saying existed in this galaxy, but by the amused smile she received, Allie understood it well enough at least.

"In your own time; now, how about you tell me about your time in the temple. You've been here for about two years now, right? How do you find it?"

(( ))

The session went like that for an hour, and she found it more pleasant than she expected to. For that first day, the subjects they discussed were light, but it was only by thinking about it later that she realized healer Allie probably got more out of them than Zarya knew.

A simple question such as 'how do you like your room?' gave the healer a lot of context on what Zarya's previous room arrangements looked like when she answered with 'I like how big it is, the privacy I have and how comfy the bed is.'

What the healer probably heard: 'I'm used to a smaller room than this two by three meters one I have now, shared with one or more person at a time and with the thinnest mattress in existence, if any.'

Oh well. It was only a matter of time before Allie would've found out anyways, when they would get into the grit of things.

The only thing she would never say is the whole reincarnation thing. That, she would take to the grave. Hopefully Anakin will do the same. (Why did she confess that to a child, again?)

She wasn't privy to Anakin's sessions any more than he was to hers, but she still knew he was… less than enthusiastic about it. He didn't like to dwell on the past since it only brought him bad memories or worse; longing for his mother.

She could understand that, she did the same with her first life. For self-preservation reasons, she refused to think about the people she had loved and the life she had unwillingly left behind. She would've collapsed with the crushing grief a long time ago if she hadn't pushed it out of her mind completely.

Now all that remained was disembodied voices that sounded somewhat familiar, vague faces she couldn't place names on, and a story she did all she could to never forget.

Every bit of information she remembered of Star Wars was safely in her hidden datapad, written in two different languages not of this universe and known only by her. It was all she needed to remember, and nothing else.

She truly wanted for Anakin and herself to get better though. If all went well, this; seeking help from a professional; would.

(( ))

"Well, if it isn't the desert girl. Long-time no see."

She did not jump. Nope. The guy just surprised her at the exact time she was getting up from her seat, and reflexes made her get up faster. Yep, that's what happened.

…She was having separation anxiety, okay? Anakin left a week ago with Obi-Wan for a mission and it's the longest they've been apart since they met. And their connection was a little bit weaker with the distance, so sue her for worrying.

And being jumpy when being sneaked up on.

"Don't do that! I was concentrating!" Her heart was still pounding, dammit.

"Concentrating on what, a… beat up speeder that probably can't fly? Sitting in it and looking at the farthest wall of the hangar won't fix it last time I checked."

"I was thinking, not repairing, plus what do you care..." Once she managed to finally calm down, she took a long look at her new company.

Padawan Sedyn Marr with his black hair and darker robes than usual for a Jedi, was quite recognizable; even if she spoke with him only once and just saw him two or three times in passing— and she'd tried, stars had she tried to find him by herself in the past after seeing his unusual yellow lightsaber. But he was, somehow, impossible to find on a normal day.

It was him who finally found her out of nowhere, just when she was in need of help concerning Anakin's mom. Speaking of…

"Where have you been?! It's been months since I last saw you, and I know you went to Ryloth with your master, but still! I was worried all this time!"

The older boy had the gall to smirk at her. "Aw, did you miss me? I didn't know I left such an impression on you. I'm flattered!"

She scoffed. "I was not worried about you—"

"Rude."

"—I was worried about Shmi! You know, the reason I asked for your help in the first—"

"As a matter of fact, I offered first."

"Just give me whatever you got or scram, I'm not in the mood."

A short pause. "Well, I would love nothing more than to leave you to your brooding, but surely there are more productive ways to—"

"Marr, did you find anything on Shmi Skywalker or not?" She finally interrupted him for a change. See how he likes it!

From the corner of her eye, Zarya could see him staring pensively at her, but he didn't waste any more time before talking.

"I wasn't able to stay on Tatooine very long. The mission on Ryloth, while productive, took longer than we anticipated." He sighed softly before hopping in the broken airspeeder she had previously been sitting in, inspecting the controls and wires that have been rearranged while he talked. "When I did manage to convince my master to make a stop there with the excuse of a gut feeling, I was surprisingly proven right: the planet is on the brink of something or another. From what we've been able to gather, a rather large group of slaves have been able to free themselves from their owners, but nothing is known on where they went. It's as if they vanished. Free people say they fled, but slaves whisper they wouldn't leave them all behind. Something about 'The Bringer of Rain' or some kind of prophecy. Normally, I wouldn't look twice into all this; but it's not every day two-dozen slaves disappear at the same time, their transmitters all left on the front doors of their previous owners."

At that, he looked at her again, seemingly searching for something.

"What? You think it has something to do with me?"

"I don't mean to assume anything, but you and your other half have crossed my thoughts at that. It isn't wildly known in the Temple; the Masters have kept it under wraps, but I have caught my own master grumbling about you Skywalkers under his breath with 'that damn prophecy', among other things."

Trying not to show how she felt about that, Zarya rolled her eyes at him. "Oh? And who is that master of yours who seem to know so much about us?"

"Mace Windu." He didn't even try to hide his amusement when she faltered at that.

Mace Windu? The Grand Master Mace Windu? Has she ever heard of a padawan under that man before? If she remembers well, there was Depa Billaba who trained under him, but she was already in the Jedi council, so it must have been a while ago now.

She never heard of an apprentice after that. Granted, Zarya didn't know everything about anything in this galaxy, but still.

Who was this Sedyn Marr?

Zarya opened the passenger door of the speeder and sat next to Sedyn, who was still staring at her.

"So, things are moving in Tatooine in ways I didn't see coming," she started.

"You say that as if you normally see things coming." Sedyn pointed out.

"Don't read too much into every word I say, Marr," she sighed.

"People tend to say things they don't want others to know by not saying them directly, though." At her glare, he shrugged. "Something I've noticed. I won't stop just because people tell me to. By the way, how come you worry about Shmi Skywalker at the exact moment where something is brewing where she lives?"

Zarya was quick to change the subject. "You spoke of Tatooine but not of her specifically though, did you find anything or not?"

"I did find something. I went to the shop you told me to go to; there was a very pissed off toydarian and no one else." He leaned towards her. "Zarya, I found what happened to her, by not finding her at all."

Zarya's eyes widened. "She's among those who vanished."

What happened in Tatooine? Did she change something?

Or did someone else?

(

A lot of emphasis on mental health in that chapter because those kids need it! Badly! And I couldn't let her little episode go as if nothing happened either.

There is very little mention of therapy in Star Wars, so I played with that by saying most Jedi think little of it among them. But the healers would see the aftermath of bad missions and the invisible scars it left behind, so they took it in their own hands to help with that. Tell me what you think!

What do you believe happened on Tatooine? How did Shmi and other slaves free themselves? Or did others free them?

Thanks to Love Stories00 and gogominjo for the reviews!

(Am I crazy or is something happening with ffn? The story is up on AO3 too if anyone prefers there.)

Until next time!

-Maginary

)