Author's Note: So it turns out I actually write quite a lot when moving house and I want to put off packing/as a stress release! So here is another chapter a bit earlier than anticipated!
The TV flickered in the corner of the small apartment as Silrin pulled the blanket more snugly around Carla's shoulders, lifting her feet up onto the couch. Carla had barely even registered that she was cold before the blanket was tucked more securely around her, and felt a spark of gratitude towards her Yeerk.
The young woman on screen was yelling at her husband: a typically over-dramatic soap storyline where she'd discovered he'd been cheating with her best friend. Silrin reached over for the remote, turning the sound down, for which Carla was also grateful: she had been beginning to get bored. Normally, that was a bad sign: boredom on her own had often led her to drink, to distract herself from the paths her mind would normally go down. But now she had other distractions.
(Do Yeerks have this kind of problem, or is it just us?)
Silrin laughed. (Certainly not just you, though you may well be the only species to watch it happening to fictional others. No, Hork-Bajir are unfaithful to their partners, sometimes, or they were before... anyway, I'm sure it even sometimes happens with Andalites, though I'm equally sure they'd deny it.)
(And Yeerks?)
(Our reproduction is quite different,( Silrin said slowly, and Carla could sense uncertainty from her. (Very different, really. We reproduce in threes, and when we reproduce, we die. So we can't cheat in the sense that he was cheating.)
(I guess not.)
(We do form bonds for many years before we reproduce, though, and Yeerks can sometimes try and bond with several different pairs at the same time, while they work out which one is best. It's not really considered cheating if it's early on in the tripartite bonding process, though; generally then all parties will know about it and many will be doing the same. As it gets later in the bonding process, even if it might be many years before the Yeerks in question will reproduce, we would generally make a commitment. Some Yeerks carry on trying to bond with several pairs after that point, and usually that does involve deception. I suppose that would be our version of cheating. It's not easy, though: maintaining tripartite bonds takes time, and it's hard to hide what you're doing in the Pool: other Yeerks can always observe you.)
(Yeah, I guess.) Carla tried to imagine what a Yeerk relationship might look like; she'd been doing a lot of that lately, trying to imagine what it might be like to experience life in the Pool as Silrin had described it. (Do Yeerks ever break up?)
(Often, in the early stages of tripartite bonding. Increasingly less so the later it gets, but it can still happen if the Yeerks in question feel they're not the best fit for one another or they meet another Yeerk or two they think would fit better. If it's been a long time, though, it causes a lot of anxiety and distress for all parties, similar to humans, though in the later stages of pair bonding it can be more intense, especially for the Yeerks who've been left. It takes a lot of work to form tripartite bonds that are that strong, and there's no guarantee a Yeerk would be able to join another group in their lifetime, so it could remove their chances of reproduction entirely.)
(That's rough.) Curiosity edged its way into Carla's mind: one of many emotions that was beginning to come back since infestation. She wasn't sure if it was the drop in drinking that had done it, though it was still all but impossible to get the thought of alcohol out of her mind, or whether it was Silrin's presence itself, but she felt less numb, more connected to the world around her. (Have you ever been- have you ever had-) she stumbled over the words she wanted to use, uncertain what the correct one was: 'boyfriend' was definitely not appropriate.
(Have I ever been in a tripartite? Have I ever had mates?) Silrin clarified.
Carla could only assume she was gently letting her know the correct wording: she hardly needed to ask for clarification when she could read her host's every thought.
(Yes, in the early stages, several times. Not right now, though. None of them were quite the right fit.)
(I'm sorry.)
(I'm not distressed,) Silrin corrected gently. (I have plenty of time. Of course, it's always difficult at first, especially when I was the one rejected, but it's been some time now.)
Carla felt a sudden sensation of warmth, mixed with amusement and slight surprise from her Yeerk.
(It's very refreshing to be able to talk about this with my host. Thank you, Carla.)
(No problem,) Carla said automatically. (Anyway, you've seen my memories. You know what my boyfriends were like. You've gotta be doing better than me.)
Silrin laughed, but the amusement Carla felt from her was edged with sadness and... was that anger?
As soon as she felt the last emotion, it disappeared.
(I'm not angry with you,) Silrin clarified hastily. (I'm angry with them... well, most of them. You deserved much better.)
Carla tried to shrug, forgetting momentarily that she didn't have control over her body. The lack of control didn't distress her as it had done a few months ago, though, and she found she didn't want Silrin to relinquish it. Having her body held calm and relaxed settled her emotions, as well, made it easier to talk about things.
Understanding this, as of course she did without needing to be asked, Silrin held her control, slowing Carla's breathing slightly.
(It's my fault, really. Half the time I knew they were jerks when I met them.)
(Your fault?)
The questioning tone was a challenge: Carla'd come to recognise it over the few months Silrin had been in her head. (Okay, fine. I shouldn't blame myself.)
(There's nothing wrong with you, Carla. Life has not been kind to you, and you've responded to that as best you could.)
Carla shifted in her seat, coming out of her memory. The TV screen was still flickering in front of her, and she could feel the warmth of Alniss' body close to hers, see Kalran's tall form in the armchair to her right. She watched the latter for a few moments, with some concern; it was obvious Kalran wasn't paying attention to the programme either, she was staring fixedly, unseeingly, at a point on the wall slightly above the television screen. It hadn't escaped Carla's notice that Kalran didn't seem well: she was functioning, sure, she was getting herself to work on time and to the Pool, and she was even managing a few outings with Sara, but she took to her room as soon as she came home from those, as though exhausted by the effort.
Turning her head towards Alniss presented a slightly more cheerful picture; Alniss' eyes were filled with wonder as she watched the screen, and Carla let her attention drift back to it. They'd been watching a nature documentary, not Carla's first choice of programme, and the screen was filled with strange lights in the blackness. Tuning into the narration, Carla discovered they were deep sea fish, which did not make her want to watch any further. She'd been shown a picture of one at some point, she couldn't remember when, and it was one of the ugliest things she'd ever seen. The lights alone were kind of pretty, though, and Carla could see why they'd captured the Yeerk's attention.
She let her eyes drift back to Alniss, smiling as she watched her friend's interest, no less intense as the programme continued. Relaxing a little, Carla yawned, lazily reaching up a hand to cover her mouth, and let herself rest back against the couch, her eyes closing.
"Alniss!" Silrin said excitedly through Carla's mouth, making the Hork-Bajir in front of them turn.
The tall, bladed forms of Hork-Bajir still made Carla more than a little nervous, despite the fact that they'd been trustworthily escorting her to and from the Pool for months now, but she'd at least learned to recognise their facial expressions somewhat, which helped her feel calmer around them.
"It's me, Silrin."
The Hork-Bajir gave a smile, which looked particularly warm even to Carla's inexpert eyes. "Silrin, schrellie! You managed galish shi kalan-" she continued in a garbled mix of languages, which made no sense to Carla, but clearly did to Silrin, as she responded:
"Yes, finally."
Sensing Carla's confusion, she added internally: (Alniss was saying I managed to change my feeding schedules. You remember I asked a few months ago to change my schedules back to feed with my schrelna... my siblings?)
Carla struggled for a second, then felt Silrin nudge the memory into her consciousness. Yes, that was right: Silrin's feeding schedule had been disrupted by the wait between her previous host and Carla, and it had taken her some time to gradually shift it back to its usual time without taking additional time off from her duties.
Alniss was asking something, in a strange mix of languages, but Carla thought she caught the word 'host'.
"I'm fine. She's very cooperative, I feel much better than before," Silrin replied.
From what Carla had learned about Hork-Bajir expressions, Alniss seemed visibly relieved. "Good." Another bundle of nonsense words followed, which from the inflection given and Alniss' body language sounded like they might be a question.
"Carla," Silrin said aloud. "Carla Roberts."
Alniss gave another of the strange Hork-Bajir smiles: they were nearing the front of the line now. She said something else in the strange mix of languages, then stepped towards the pier.
(Was she asking my name?) Carla guessed.
(Yes.) In answer to Carla's unspoken question, she added: (her name is Alniss seven-five-four. She's one of my siblings; a particularly close one, in fact. We call them schrelna- Yeerks that were born from the same part of their parents, though not the same grub. She's very grateful to you, I think, for what you've done for me.)
Carla wasn't sure what she'd done; the Yeerks had helped her far more than she'd helped them.
(You've willingly given me your senses and your body. That's made me happy, surely you know that?)
Carla smiled mentally. (I'm glad.)
A hand touched hers, drawing Carla out of the memory. She opened her eyes to realise the programme had finished, and saw Alniss smiling at her.
"Tired?" she asked.
Carla nodded. "A bit, yeah. Enjoy that?" she added, jerking her head at the TV.
"It was wonderful," Alniss said, her voice hushed with awe. "I didn't know there was so much in Earth's oceans."
Carla smiled, trying to show some interest. "Glad you liked it."
"What did you think, Kalran?" Alniss added, looking across at her.
Following her gaze, Carla felt the smile disappear from her face; she could see tear tracks on Kalran's cheeks now that one of the Yeerks had turned on the light, and she still looked distracted.
"Oh, yes, it was fascinating," Kalran said, a little too quickly. She forced a smile, though, when her eyes fell on Carla.
"Are you okay?" Carla asked, despite every piece of evidence that no, she wasn't.
"Fine," Kalran replied hastily. "Just tired. I'd better get to bed."
"What are your plans for tomorrow?" Alniss asked, concern evident in her voice.
Kalran hesitated before she answered, glancing between the two of them. "I'm meeting Sara and her friends for coffee and cake."
"Well, you and Sara are welcome in the cafe, if you're in that area," Alniss said.
That was surprising: Alniss didn't usually volunteer to spend time with Sara. Carla glanced across at her, raising her eyebrows.
"It's not just me and Sara."
Carla turned back quickly: the anxiety in Kalran's tone was obvious.
"I- I mean," Kalran hastened to correct herself, "it's very kind of you, Alniss, thank you. But there are some people with me you probably don't want to see."
"Maybe another time, then." Alniss looked curious, but didn't ask for further details.
Carla fiddled with the edge of the couch cushion, rubbing the stitching between thumb and forefinger. Part of her wished Alniss would ask more. She had a suspicion about who Kalran might mean, and she'd rather be sure. Bringing it up, though, might spark a confrontation, and that was the last thing she wanted.
Before she could make a decision, she felt Alniss nudge her arm. "Bed?" she asked, and Carla nodded, pushing herself to her feet.
About half an hour later, Carla was sitting up in bed, propped against the comforting softness of her pillow. She had a magazine in front of her, but wasn't really reading it, idly flicking through the pages. Alniss was already asleep, clearly exhausted, but Carla wasn't ready to turn the light out yet. Her mind kept sinking back into memories, and she'd rather come out of them with the light on.
The girl was thrashing and yelling, kicking out at the Hork-Bajir guards as she was dragged relentlessly down the reinfestation pier. Thankfully, Silrin was back in Carla's head: Carla hated these scenes, but they were much worse on her own.
Carla waited, expecting Silrin to turn her eyes away and distract her with small talk or a pleasant memory, but her eyes remained fixed on the girl, who was now trying to drop down to her knees. This might have made it harder for a human to drag her away, but it made no difference whatsoever to the Hork-Bajir guards.
Belatedly, Carla became aware that some of the distress she was feeling was not her own, and the anger she could sense certainly wasn't.
(Silrin?)
Her Yeerk didn't answer straight away, the sense of distress growing as the girl began to break into sobs, reaching the end of the pier.
(Silrin!) Carla directed her thoughts more strongly at her Yeerk, pushing a little against her control of their eyes.
That seemed to get her attention. (Oh,) she murmured, yielding her control enough that Carla could pull their eyes away. (Oh, I'm sorry, Carla. I- I should have-)
Pain was still flowing from Silrin in waves. As Carla began to take conscious notice of it, though, it began to wane.
(I'm sorry,) Silrin said again.
(It's okay. Who was that?) Carla asked, sure her Yeerk must know something about the girl. After all, there were similar scenes to that in the Yeerk Pool every time they visited, and Silrin had never made such a fuss before.
(She... she... I... we were...) Silrin stammered.
That was so uncharacteristic of her Yeerk that Carla immediately regretted asking. (Sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.)
Silrin had, for the last few moments, kept momentarily taking back control of Carla's eyes then dropping it again, clearly struggling to fight the impulse to look back over. Eventually, she lost the battle, her eyes straying back to see the girl's legs kicking futilely against the metal pier, her head held fully underwater by the guards. Carla felt her stomach turn.
Suddenly, the girl's legs stopped kicking, and a few moments later she got to her feet... or her Yeerk did, calmly wiping the sludge from her host's face. As she began the walk back down the pier, her brown eyes caught Carla and Silrin's.
When the Yeerk reached them, she spoke, and Carla felt a spike of fear from her Yeerk.
"What were you so interested in looking at?" The tone was partly curious, but mainly challenging.
Silrin swallowed, hard. Carla could feel her Yeerk's anxiety growing, and tried to send calming emotions towards Silrin, as Silrin had so often done for her.
"Sorry, ish'li, I... I just..."
"My name is Tamhet 819. You are?"
The other Yeerk wasn't a sub-Visser, then, or she'd have introduced herself as such, so why did Silrin still seem so afraid?
When Silrin gave her name, the girl sneered.
"Well, now that makes sense. You were far too soft with this human, you know. I've spent the last six months correcting for your lack of boundaries. I still don't have her as broken as I should, as I've no doubt you saw, but I'll get there eventually."
Carla felt another spike of distress and helpless fury, and felt her hand tighten into a fist. She was still struggling with her own surprise; this girl must have been Silrin's first human host, the one she was so reluctant to talk about. But she knew enough about the Empire now to know that Silrin's fist would not go down well, and asked for something she would never normally even consider in a Yeerk stronghold like the Pool.
(Silrin, can you give me control without her noticing? I can make you look calmer.)
Silrin was too distracted to listen to her, however, their body as tense as a statue.
Tamhet snorted derisively. "Count yourself lucky I don't report you as a sympathiser," she snapped, before turning away.
Silrin began to shiver as Tamhet walked away; Carla pushed at their shared eyes, trying to keep Silrin from letting her gaze follow the girl.
(Silrin, we need to move,) she said, aware that other Yeerks were beginning to notice them.
Finally, she felt some response; Silrin immediately began walking, and Carla felt the touch on her mind that she'd learned to recognise preceded a comment.
(Carla, I-)
(It's okay. It's okay,) Carla said, as reassuringly as she could.
(I'm sorry. I should never have made you see all that.)
She could feel her Yeerk beginning to calm down, though her pain could still be clearly felt. As Carla realised this, she felt it begin to dim, Silrin clearly regaining enough control to begin to shut her emotions off.
(Silrin, don't. I'm okay... let me feel it, let me help you.)
The pain stopped fading, but it didn't get stronger, either. (You shouldn't have to,) Silrin said hesitantly.
(I want to. You feel all my emotions, after all.)
(That's different. I'm the Yeerk. You couldn't close them off even if you wanted to, and besides, it's my job to care for your health, not the other way around.)
The pain began to cut off from Carla's awareness again. She didn't feel like pushing the point: asking Silrin to step away from what was probably the Empire's line now would not be a good idea- she must already be worried about what Tamhet had said.
(What's her name?) Carla asked after a few minutes, as they climbed the steep, dingy staircase towards the exit.
Silrin hesitated for a few moments. (Elsa,) she said eventually.
Carla tightened her fist around the covers of her bed, breathing hard. She'd tried to let the thoughts go at the time, not wanting to upset Silrin further, but she'd been struck by how young the girl was; fifteen at the most; and the sheer desperation of her struggle against the Pool guards. Coming out of the memory now, Carla felt sickened; with the Empire, with Tamhet... and with herself. She pushed that last thought away as quickly as it had come. Things were difficult enough without berating herself for every single wrong thing she'd done.
Well, she was far too upset to sleep now, and desperately wanted to move from the bed, to be in a different room. Very carefully, she peeled the covers back and pressed her feet against the soft rug on the floor, standing up as quietly as she could. She waited for a few seconds, watching Alniss, but the Yeerk didn't even stir.
A few minutes later, Carla was sitting in the living room with a cup of camomile tea, trying not to make a noise. Some of the Yeerks were still awake; she could dimly hear Kalran and Hallim's voices through the wall, but they were all in their rooms. She hoped they didn't come in, especially not Kalran; she had enough issues of her own to deal with, without taking on Carla's as well.
Carla reached up a hand to wipe her eyes. It was going to be a long night.