Author's Note: Sorry that updates are a little sporadic at the moment: life has been quite busy! The next chapter is quite an important one, so it may take a while too as I try and get it at least close to how I want it. Hope you enjoy this in the meantime!
It was a glorious day.
The sun warmed Kalran through to her bones as she got off the bus and walked through the gates to City Park. An aquamarine sky that almost seemed to sparkle with light beamed down on her, the sunlight catching every shade of green and a rainbow of flowers. Kalran couldn't help smiling in delight, though it was tinged with sadness at the knowledge that Oglud couldn't enjoy it. She'd been to the Pool with Ilkiss the day before: just the two of them, this time, as Carla had had to work. Ilkiss had seemed odd, too, awkward around her and less communicative with Oglud than he usually was. Kalran hoped he was okay, but didn't feel able to push him to share his feelings. She was beginning to feel better, as though a film of pollution that had been limiting the Kandrona's light for over a year was beginning to disappear, letting the warmth fill her. She'd shared little of her emotions with Ilkiss, though, not having wanted to bother him with her sadness, and she hoped he wasn't falling into the same depression she was beginning to move out of.
Kalran pulled herself back from her thoughts, scanning her surroundings for Akhir's slim figure. As they'd arranged, the other Yeerk was waiting on a bench a little way into the park: she stood, smiling, as Kalran approached.
"Hello," Akhir said warmly. It wasn't safe to give any traditional Yeerk greeting, not here.
"Hi," Kalran responded, returning the smile. "How are you?"
"Wonderful," Akhir replied, gesturing around them. "Isn't it gorgeous? How are you?"
Kalran nodded, her smile widening. "I'm starting to appreciate it again. It is lovely here."
They turned, beginning to walk along the curving path further into the park, flowerbeds on either side bursting with colour.
"How's Jasmine?" Kalran asked after a moment.
"Lovely, as always." Akhir smiled, her eyes glowing in a way they almost always did when she spoke about her host. "Yes, she's fine. She's been studying a lot, she's got tests coming up for her night school course. She's convinced she'll fail them; I'm equally convinced she'll pass them. I should bet on it, really."
"I'm sure she'll be fine. She seems very intelligent, and she's certainly hardworking. Does she have any plans for what she wants to do with the qualification? I might put in a case for biological research as a career, she'd be good at it."
Akhir sighed long-sufferingly. "She'd be fabulous at anything like that. Unfortunately I'm having enough difficulty persuading her that she's capable of passing one test in high-school math."
The conversation paused for a moment, Kalran slipping behind Akhir to allow a group of people to pass them on the path.
"I'll drip-feed in the college conversation after she passes this test, maybe," Akhir mused. "She's always slightly more accepting when I can show her incontrovertible proof that she can do something. How's Sara, anyway? Have you seen her lately?"
"She's alright." Kalran sighed, lowering her voice. "She's started talking about coming to the Pool again, now her ban's run out. I'm not convinced it's the best idea."
Akhir made a soft sound of understanding. "I go with Geltrin occasionally. I understand what you mean: I can't see it being easy for an ex-involuntary."
"That's exactly the problem. That, and trying to find a time Carla can't do and Sara can. I'm not having the two of them there together, and I'm not asking Carla to miss out. Oglud talks almost as much to her as they do to me, now. Not that I mind that. Oglud's clearly pleased to be able to converse with her."
"How are they? Oglud, that is."
Akhir's tone was soft, as though trying to ask the question without pressing too forcefully, aware of Kalran's hurt. She was good at that sort of thing, a good friend. Kalran felt gratitude spread across her stomach and up into her chest: Akhir had set aside so much time just to listen to Kalran, something that had really helped her.
"They seem okay, but how can I know for sure?" Kalran sighed. "It's so limited, just using the communicator."
They turned away from the main path, down towards an area Kalran knew to be quieter, shaded by tall trees. Drops of light pushed paths through the leaves above them, falling onto the ground in delicate dapples, but Kalran's thoughts distracted her from the beauty of the sight.
"I can imagine." Akhir touched her arm gently. "I'm sure they're fine. I'm sure they'd tell you if they weren't."
Hunching her shoulders in shame, Kalran shook her head. "I don't know. There's a lot I'm not telling them."
The path wound down towards a small lake. There was a bench beside the water, hidden away within the trees, and it was to this that Kalran directed her footsteps, sinking on to the smooth wood as soon as she reached it. She let her eyes gaze across the water to the other bank, which was more open, humans strolling past along an open, sunny path.
Akhir sank onto the bench beside her. "What aren't you telling them, if you don't mind me asking?"
Kalran sighed. For a moment she wondered about asking Akhir to drop the subject, but she had to talk to someone. Akhir was the best listener she knew... well, except Carla, and Carla wouldn't really understand everything she wanted to say. She needed a Yeerk for that.
"Ilkiss and I haven't been mates for well over a year now," Kalran began slowly, taking a deep breath. "Oglud still thinks we are." Kalran felt a wave of pain against her ribs. "I... I haven't ever been able to bring myself to tell them... I know I should, but..."
"It must be difficult."
Kalran sighed, turning her head to look at Akhir desperately. "It's just... how can I give them that kind of news in a line of text? If we were still... If the Empire was still... it's not news I would even imagine giving them hosted, you know? I'd wait until we fed together, anything else would be insensitive, cowardly, even."
Akhir nodded. "Of course. Oh, that must be awful."
"Ilkiss has started saying we should tell them," Kalran murmured. "He agreed with me at first, but just lately..." Kalran sighed. "I know I'll have to do it eventually, unless I want to leave them in ignorance their whole life, and that's not fair. They might want to form a new tripartite, anyway, one they can reproduce in. And even if this million-to-one chance comes off and they end up allowing infestation, it's hardly any better to let them find out through Carla than it is to use the communicator. Worse, probably. Unless..." a sudden thought had occurred to her, one that made her gasp in surprise that it had never come into her head before. "Akhir, do you think the humans would ever let us host them?"
There was a silence. Akhir looked as shocked as Kalran felt: clearly, it was a possibility she had never thought of before, either.
"Kandrona, you're right!" Akhir managed eventually. "We could, of course we could, physically we're no different from a human. I hadn't even realised it..."
"Neither had I," Kalran admitted.
Mentally, she let herself imagine what the process would be like: ducking her head into the thickened warmth of the Pool, waiting, feeling the Yeerk move into her numbed ear, letting control slide from her. She had seen it often enough in her host's memories that she could imagine the process vividly. She could see her memories bursting open like fireworks, at random that first time, she knew no Yeerk could control what they saw in an initial infestation, no matter how hard they tried... oh.
Kalran sighed heavily. "Great Pools, Akhir, that's hardly better, is it? I couldn't control it, they'd just see... unless I tried to talk to them before they were connected, but they'd only hear me in snatches then, that's no good either."
Nodding slowly, Akhir replied: "I imagine not. And, Kalran, consider... would you really want to be host to your mate? To anyone, even? They'd be able to see everything, every thought you've ever had about them... it's far closer than any of our relationships are normally."
She had to admit Akhir was right. The thought was distasteful, even wrong. She vaguely remembered Sara's feeling of unease when she'd read some news story about a long-estranged brother and sister pair who, unaware they were related, had embarked on a romantic relationship before they discovered they were family. It was the most similar feeling Kalran had ever experienced to what she felt now about the thought of her mate connecting to her mind in that way. As she let herself move to imagining other Yeerks than Oglud, the feeling faded slightly, but not completely.
"Does it disgust you?" Kalran asked, her scientist's sense of natural curiosity taking over, wondering whether this was an instinctive reaction or just her own. "Imagining it. It does me."
Akhir nodded. "Yes. Quite strongly, actually." She smiled bitterly. "Do you remember the Empire propaganda? Everything they said about how selfish humans and Hork-Bajir were for refusing to share their senses with us? And it turns out we probably have some kind of instinctive revulsion to sharing them ourselves, now we can."
"Either that or it's the rest of the Empire culture affecting us, all that rhetoric of hosts being inferior," Kalran mused. "I'm not sure why we would have evolved such a strong aversion when it would never have been possible to infest each other."
Akhir gave a slight smile. "A true biologist," she observed, quirking an eyebrow at Kalran.
Despite her misery, Kalran felt a tiny laugh bubble up in her chest. "Always." She looked across at Akhir: she was so grateful for the other Yeerk's friendship she hardly knew how to express it. Akhir had spent most of their outings listening endlessly to Kalran, and Kalran suddenly realised she knew almost nothing about the other Yeerk, apart from a few sparse details about what she had done in the Empire and her friendship with Geltrin.
"I've never even asked you about your mates, have I?" Kalran said guiltily. "I'm sorry, I... I haven't been thinking..."
Akhir shook her head instantly. "Kalran, you've had far too much to cope with to be worrying about me. It's fine." She paused for a moment. "Anyway, there isn't much to tell. I've never been ilsh'nish." Although they were set well back from the path, with no humans in sight, Akhir whispered the final word, glancing around to make sure it wouldn't be overheard.
"Really?" Kalran sounded more shocked than she'd intended, and quickly added: "Sorry. I don't mean it's a bad thing, I'm just surprised. I'd have thought you could take your pick." Kalran flushed. That hadn't sounded how she'd intended it, either, though it was closer to the truth: Akhir was witty, generous and incredibly emotionally skilled, all very valuable traits. Yet again, she wished for her own body. "That came out wrong, too, I... this would be so much easier palp-to-palp."
Akhir laughed, and Kalran felt herself relax. "Human communication is so limited," she agreed. "When you've spent much of your time communicating palp-to-palp, let alone mind-to-mind with a host, it's so hard just to rely on words. Jasmine constantly forgets I can't tell what she's thinking any more. I can usually guess, but even that's changing now. It's a good thing, it means she's growing as a person, but it's hard."
Kalran nodded. "It sounds it." She hesitated, wondering if her friend had moved the conversation away from mates deliberately, and decided not to probe further. "It must have been... quite something. To have a truly voluntary host, I mean."
Akhir smiled wistfully. "Incredible. She wasn't always how she is now... she was cooperative at the start, but only because we were the best of a bad bunch of options. But when I realised she'd moved from that to cooperating for my sake, because she cared about me, truly trusted me... that was something very special." Akhir's face had taken on a far-away look, a look of true joy, but as Kalran watched it changed to bitterness. "Until I realised that one day the Empire would probably force me to have to make a choice, to choose between betraying her and starving for sympathy..." her face hardened into fierce anger. "You think I'm just being nice to you, Kalran, but I'm not. I am so glad you took them down."
"I didn't," Kalran protested. "The humans..."
"You helped," Akhir said, shaking her head insistently. "It wasn't just them. And I should have been braver, I should have done it, too."
"That might have put Jasmine at risk," Kalran said softly. The last thing she wanted was for Akhir to feel guilty – she didn't need to. "Maybe you did the best, most ethical thing you could in the circumstances. And in any case, it's over now, and no harm done."
Akhir gave a bitter, harsh laugh. "Try saying that to Elsa tomorrow. You are coming, aren't you?"
"Yes. Not for the campaign itself, although..." Kalran hesitated. She hadn't mentioned this yet to anyone, in fact it had only been in the last few days that she'd even begun to admit it to herself. "I'm starting to wonder whether I might help with it."
"Oh?" Raised eyebrows met Kalran's glance. "Really?"
Kalran nodded slowly. "I guess... I still don't think I've much chance of success, but... I have to focus on something. I've tried just accepting things as they are, and I... I just can't."
Akhir reached across to wrap her arms around Kalran's shoulders. "Oh, schrellatie."
The comforting pressure of the hug calmed her, gradually. "I'm okay."