It was not a long flight from Earth to Yaut. While it had been many years since she had made such a voyage, K'Shai did at least know the actual flight time was not long. Somehow, the flight back this time however, seemed to take weeks; months even. It was as if the ship was flying along under minimal power.
She tried to distract her mind as the days seemed to drag on. A'ryin'di and El'tude spent their time discussing their experiences on Earth, and their opinions. Sr'uch-de spent most of his time sheltered away in his own quarters and only appeared at meal time.
K'Shai eyed him intently while they all sat together. R'chnt was just to her left, eating slowly while engaging in the conversation only when directly asked a question. For a moment, K'Shai's attention was taken off Sr'uch-de and she smiled at R'chnt as he expressed his lack of understanding of some of the human ways that his mate had told him of over the years.
"I still cannot understand why or how such a thing was relevant in your culture." He said.
K'Shai smirked and raised her eyebrows dismissively. "It just was. We… they… didn't value Honor or have Clans… really even bloodlines weren't important in some ways. Just money."
"And it was used to…" El'tude questioned with a growl.
K'Shai waved her hand dismissively, trying to indicate that the entire conversation should end.
"It was the driving force behind the human culture. That's it."
"Not anymore," Sr'uch-de added.
She eyed him softly.
"No, I suppose not. Not anymore. It looks like they have moved beyond such things."
"As the humans rebuilded their world, Kelly said they moved away from many of the ways of the past."
K'Shai eyed Sr'uch-de more intently.
"Kelly told you that?" She questioned flatly.
He nodded.
"She thought you would be proud of their culture they have built. There was more she wanted to show you and tell you about. She did say she wished there was more time."
"And when did she say that, exactly?" K'Shai questioned with a displeased tone.
"Not long before they showed up. She knew they would come. She was concerned they would come for her again as well."
"Again?" K'Shai questioned.
"She said they had taken her, Lewis, all who knew you, that they could find."
K'Shai shook her head. She had never even considered for a second any kind of repercussions long ago. Why would there be? How could she have been that important back then. None of it mattered then and it did not seem relevant.
"Well, it is done." She said.
"By both human and Yautja law, that world is off limits." She added firmly, then looked to all of her offspring. "You all understand that, yes?"
They all acknowledged her quietly and K'Shai offered her mate a thin smile. He looked back at her and nodded, raising an upper mandible into a small grin.
When they were back in their quarters, they shared a quiet moment and it seemed as if all time simply slowed down for the two of them. It was as if the ship stopped moving and the universe held position to allow them; to allow her; all the time she truly needed in just a brief moment.
She sighed slowly as she stared out the window at the glowing green and blue jungle world of Yaut looming ever so stagnantly beyond it. R'chnt moved in behind her and embraced her tightly with his mighty arms, pressing her firmly into his chest. She gripped his forearms and allowed her body to rest into his as if she might blend with him. She shut her eyes and sighed slowly again.
"Did you get what you needed?" He finally asked with a subtle purr.
She looked up at him, realizing that in his eyes she could see that he understand completely why she wanted to go home.
She slowly inhaled deeply, eyeing him with a steady gaze.
"I think I did."
She turned again towards the window and watched the world outside, which seemed to hover as still as the ship approaching it.
"I'm ready to go home now."
"K'Shai, what will you plan to do now?"
She grimaced a bit. "I really haven't thought about it honestly. I guess I'll just have to see. Perhaps my Leader will guide me on some hunting."
He gripped her tightly and chuckled.
"Indeed he might," he said with a pleased tone.
"K'Shai," he added. "You seem…"
He did not finish his thought. K'Shai turned to face him and eyed him with a thin smile, interrupting him.
"I'm just glad to be home. That's all. I think everything is just going to be… different now."
She sighed slowly, deeply, filling her lungs and exhaling thinly as she rotated back around to the windows and watched the ship enter into a landing pattern.
It did not take long at all before they were settled back on the home world. Within a few hours of their landing, El'tude had reunited with his hunting pack. A'ryin'di had disappeared on her own business and Sr'uch-de had gone to see his friend G'ru.
K'Shai and R'chnt spent some time sparring and then sat down for a slow meal, watching the bustling business of all the youngsters around them and enjoying each other's company.
"They are eager to get back to hunting," R'chnt said of their offspring.
"No doubt." K'Shai agreed, sipping from a cup lightly. "I'm sure the break for them was… educational. But it's time to get back to being what they are."
"And what of you, my mate? Shall we return to the estate? Hunt? Off world perhaps?"
She smiled at him.
"I've been thinking about that very thing. I think that perhaps just now I am not ready to hunt. I think I want to go the mei'sa."
R'chnt tipped a mandible along with a small tilt of his head, acknowledging her with a subtle bow.
She remained there with him until after the suns had descended and then made her way to the mei'sa. She walked slowly and powerfully, like she was on a mission yet had all the time in the world to achieve it. She finally felt, for the first time, like a true Yautja. No more anger, no more rage, no more pressure to prove something to herself or to anyone.
She finally realized that she had achieved exactly what she had needed to achieve with the Yautja long ago and was not satisfied in her own self.
Finally the things that the Ancients told her made sense.
Finally she knew what she had needed all that time, and finally she felt a sense of peace. She thought about how many years and trials it took to achieve it; entirely too long. But, she thought, that must simply be what life is. It seemed a little ironic that in the end it took doing the one thing she had very much denied herself for fear of appearing not Yautja-ish enough.
"So, you have returned," Neh'rti said to K'Shai from the depth of the hot bath pool where she soaked on the upper ledge of the main matriarch pyramid.
K'Shai turned and looked along the edge of the rail-less deck at the brilliant night sky, lit with nearby moons and planets, and a pinkish haze across the deep navy canvas that was glittering and twinkling. Blocking the horizon were shadows of trees, backlit by the moons above Yaut, and even at an endless distance, the sounds of nocturnal beasts calling, chirping, and whooping could still be heard.
It was beautiful, it was powerful, it was also peaceful.
"Yes. This is home." She said, and turned and looked Neh'rti quite directly, a risky move that could be interpreted either as confidence and surety or as a challenge or disrespect.
"I am ready to finally be here."
"The adventure to Earth enlightened you? Is that what the Ancients told you to do?"
K'Shai's looked changed in an instant.
"You did not actually think that I was unaware?"
She lowered her eyes for a moment and Neh'rti continued.
"I have tried to encourage you in every way I possibly could think of to be, think, act Yautja. More than that- to be a Yautja female. And you have continually fought against it."
K'Shai remained still and quiet.
"You brought your offspring to that world against our laws. Anyone else who might go there would be sought out and punished accordingly in front of the entire Clan. But the mighty K'Shai can come and go as she pleases and disregard our ways, our laws. That which I have upheld since I became Clan Leader."
K'Shai remained still and silent once more, deciding that this was definitely not an appropriate time to start to be combative. Instead, she held still, calm, respectful.
"Will you teach such things to the young of the mei'sa?" Neh'rti said finally, after a long and thorough scan up and down K'Shai's entire body. She spoke in a voice of disapproval, there was no question that Neh'rti expected K'Shai to become, teach, and be purely Yautja.
"If you wish to take your place here in the mei'sa." She added, with a more questioning tone this time.
K'Shai smiled thinly at Neh'rti and began to slide into the pool, disrobing as she did so.
It was nearly dawn before K'Shai returned to R'chnt, who was sleeping softly in his chair on the balcony overlooking the community areas. She paused as she approached him, eyeing him with a curious interest. It seemed to her that there was a time when he slept with an eye and a half open, always alert and ready to leap into action; rather like a prey animal and not a powerful hunter, in fact.
She could not remember when it was exactly, but some time ago, R'chnt seemed to slip into a deeper, more sound sleep. He now slept with the power and confidence of a mighty lion; sure no threats were near, and none would be foolish enough to stir him from his rest.
As such, K'Shai decided to slide into the chair next to him as quietly as possible so as not to disturb him. She watched him sleep for quite some time, contemplating the nature of his deep slumber. There was much noise echoing up, as there always was, from the fighting and courting below, and voices echoed through the stone slabs of the buildings as well. Nothing disturbed him until K'Shai had lost track of time.
"Hi," she said to him with a smile from the corner of her lips once he awoke.
She slid over to him and sat into his lap, kissing him gently along the long bristles that lined his jowls, once a slate gray, now tipped and laced with white.
He purred quietly under her touch.
"My K'Shai," he whispered with pleasure as he touched her gently.
"Let's go inside."
It was sun rise before she finally slept for a while, as R'chnt rested next to her, cooling off after building a sweaty lather. By the time she finally opened her eyes, R'chnt was up and out on the terrace, drinking from a mug, with a platter of fruits, nuts, and meats next to him. She lightly stepped towards him, plucked up an agha fruit from the dish and sat down next to R'chnt, sinking her teeth into the peach colored fleshy skin of the fruit.
"I am going to do something I really should have done a long time ago," she said to him.
He looked towards her, tipping his head slightly.
"It's time, I think, that I take up my place in the mei'sa."
"Indeed, K'Shai. Quite the change for you that will be."
She raised her eyebrows. "It will."
"You sound reluctant, my K'Shai."
She sighed. "Well, hunting has been hard on my body. I'm tired. But I'm not sure raising Yautja youngsters is going to be any easier."
R'chnt bellowed a chuckle.
"I am sure it will not."
She smiled and continued her meal.
"I received a communication myself this morning," he said with a pleased tone in his voice. "From Wa-tu'ga-de."
"On the Council of Elders?" K'Shai said with a rhetorical questioning tone.
"I believe it is time that perhaps I finally accept a long-standing invitation as well."
"R'chnt!" K'Shai said with eagerness. "I think that's excellent."
It was a rush of changes for both of them, as R'chnt, having proved his hunting and much desired Leadership skills for centuries, took his rightful place on the Clan Council of Elders. K'Shai remembered a time when R'chnt was not ready or wanting to join the council, though the prestige of being a member of the ruling body of the Clan was a high honor, he simply wanted to continue hunting.
He had once told her he was strongly considering taking up the role before the Earth war, and then, she recalled, the Earth War began. It was time, though, they both took on new challenges, new responsibilities; they had both earned that much.
K'Shai bathed alone in the mei'sa pool, slowly stroking her arm, shoulder, ribcage with a sponge lathered with oils and nourishing lotions, taking careful note of the scars that adorned her body; nearly as intricate and interlaced together as the tattoos she bore for so long now.
The hot bath soak soothed her muscles, which were so often rigid and spasmodic from many years of torment, right along with her bones, bruised, broken, and healed many times along the way. Somehow, she amused herself with the notion, she thought that rearing mei'sa youth was not exactly going to be any easier on her body.
She had a lot to learn about her duties in the mei'sa. While R'chnt slipped into his new role on the leading council body for the Clan, reporting directly to Neh'rti herself, with ease, familiarity and highly desired and unique experience, K'Shai took to her tasks somewhat more apprehensively.
Nursing and caring for Yautja sucklings was one thing, but toddlers were quite a challenge, only out bested by older youth with hormonal attitudes that put any human memory she had of being a raging teenager to shame. She knew well enough from raising her own offspring how spirited they could be, but she found as the rotations passed, that she had quite a bit to learn about overseeing and guiding an entire group of rowdy young hunters in the making.
Still, the youngsters surprised her in many ways. Their curiosity about her, specifically, easily rivaled if not overtook her own offsprings' interests when they were of similar age. At first, one curious youngster might follow her around, asking a question or mimicking something she showed them. She was carefully observant of what she did, for she suspected that prying and curious eyes were always watching, and always learning, from her.
Eventually, the one or two curious youths that stalked in the shadows warily, turned into a far more noticeable small gathering, which slowly turned into an outright small class of her own away from the eyes of others.
"Eeee…" she repeated to her small gathering of students.
They responded.
"Yesssssch…" she pointed to another Yautja symbol and the group repeated again.
"Good. Good. It is nearly moonrise, we are done for now. Go. Eat, and be sure to find yourself in your proper beds before the moon is up."
The student group broke up and headed towards their destinations. K'Shai lingered behind, gathering her materials when she noticed a shadow come to life and looked up.
"Neh'rti," K'Shai said as flatly as casually as possible, trying, hopefully not vainly, to suppress the surprise that she was there, and not act too much like she had just been busted.
"What is happening here, K'Shai?" Neh'rti questioned with a growl that suggested it was very much a rhetorical statement.
As such, K'Shai remained lock jawed.
"You teach these offspring as you must for your station. You watch them as you should while they spar, play, and eat. You make your rounds of their sleeping chambers." Neh'rti paced forward, slowly. "And yet, also, you do something else."
With a silent pause slowly filling the air, K'Shai raised her chin just enough to give presence, not near enough to dare to suggest true defiance to the Clan Leader.
"They are curious. Eager. These young have many questions. They wish to learn more. So I teach them more."
"You teach them to read… write… You teach them the human values as you did both A'ryin'di and El'tude."
"Well…" K'Shai grumbled dismissively. "This small handful of young wish to read and learn, and understand more about their culture and what their future will be like."
Neh'rti remained quiet.
"They wish to Learn, Neh'rti, and there is only benefit to helping them to understand more and grow their mind."
"This is not how…" Neh'rti began, but annoyed, K'Shai interrupted.
"Not how it's been done since the beginning of the way of the hunters," she snapped with unhidden annoyance.
"It is not." Neh'rti said simply.
There was another, entirely too long of a pause. If she had hackles, K'Shai knew they would be raised. She felt her heart rate jump up a bit, wanting to snap back at Neh'rti, but instead, she tried hard to fight the urge to be defiant and disrespectful. She knew that was not going to help her win this particular situation.
K'Shai licked her lips softly and lowered her eyes.
"They are simply curious. They have smart minds and a smart mind, R'chnt always taught, does a hunter well. And if… they don't want to hunt after their Blooding, then they have a little boost to help them learn whatever they wish."
Neh'rti remained motionless, clearly contemplating the situation.
"No harm in that," K'Shai added simply, dismissively.
Neh'rti growled incoherently and stomped away. K'Shai dared a thin, proud, smirk.
She supposed that a disgruntled grimace was about as close to an acceptance or approval as she was going to get, and since she had not been told directly to stop, she continued on teaching her slowly growing student body. She tried, in an effort to appease Neh'rti, to keep her group small and out of sight. When the number of curious students grew too much for one simple, easy to slip away class, she split it into two.
A routine soon formed, and K'Shai's classes, while remaining rather unofficial, slowly became more common knowledge. K'Shai taught and supervised the youngsters of the mei'sa as she was required, but during free times available in the early morning and later evening, she taught eager students. She continued to learn that students were also tutoring each other, and she was quite surprised one day when another young Blooded female mei'sa matriarch came to join the classes, bringing another small group of offspring with her.
"You are changing the way hunters have been taught since hunting and teaching began," R'chnt said to her over a cup of drink on the balcony overlooking the common areas.
She found all the time she could possibly find to visit him in the city, and in the city he remained to attend to his ever growing duties on the Clan Council. Four elders of the council were with him, and they did not mind the interruption of their discussion when K'Shai entered.
"I guess so," she said with a simple smile and a raised mug.
"Well, why should such things not change," one of the elders spoke up. "You both raised El'tude and A'ryin'di in such a way, and they have risen far."
"Knowledge is power," K'Shai said simply, repeating a common Earth phrase with a smile.
"I like that indeed," another Elder agreed.
"This is not the change we need," one of the other council elders said with a grumble. He looked directly to K'Shai, defiant in such a way she knew he would never be if she were full-blooded Yautja.
"Many of those youths you spend time filling their minds with knowledge they simply do not need, will likely not live long enough to utilize the knowledge. Thus, your efforts are wasted."
K'Shai raised her eyebrows, offering a simple shrug.
"I disagree." She left it at that.
"These offspring are learning to read and write, and understand our history and culture. What good will that do them when facing off with a hard meat or some other formidable prey on their Blooding hunt? Should they read to the attacker? Recite the history of the clan to it?" The elder responded again.
He continued on, while the other three elders, and R'chnt, all remained silent along with K'Shai. She listened with a thin smile on her face. Perhaps only R'chnt understood the expression to be a dismissive smirk.
"It should be as it always was and has been. Hunting prowess, prove your strength and worthiness. The rest comes later. Only proven Blood is important. This is how I was raised, this is how all of my offspring have been raised, and continue to be raised," he growled with a direct implication at K'Shai. "What good does any of that kind of training do a youngster that will likely die on the Blooding hunt anyway?"
"You don't have much faith in their Leaders, do you?" One of the others bellowed with a deep chuckle.
"Well then, if the students I waste my time teaching all die on their Blooding hunt, then this is of no concern at all to you or to the Clan. They are my efforts to waste." K'Shai growled firmly.
"Neh'rti will not allow this to continue."
K'Shai raised her chin and snapped proudly.
"That is a mei'sa matter, hardly your area of concern. This is exactly why males are not involved in such things. You do not all know what is best." She snarled.
With that, the elder backed down with an annoyed harrumph. K'Shai pointedly proved her position, spouting at him with as much Yautja femininity as she could muster, and R'chnt, probably just more desperate to change the subject matter than anything, continued on with the conversation they were having originally.
Later that evening, when the pair laid naked together, the moons shining into their bed chambers accompanied by just a bit of a gentle breeze, R'chnt stroked his claw tips down her bare spine, soothing her into ease. She moaned, splayed across his chest and hips, smiling thinly with eyes shut.
"Will Neh'rti allow this to continue?" He asked quietly, when he knew he had her at her most relaxed.
She shrugged.
"R'chnt… if there's one thing I have definitely learned and learned well after all this time, it's that I have absolutely no idea what Neh'rti is thinking. I see no point in trying to figure it out. If she decides she does not like youngsters learning about their own history, learning how to even… just read and write!... then she will most certainly let me know."
She paused, realizing how quickly she began to sound agitated. She allowed herself to calm down for a moment.
"No point in trying to concern myself one way or another until then. I have the scars to prove Neh'rti lets me know when she thinks I've done wrong."
R'chnt purred softly, settling K'Shai back down, but it did not take long before she was back to discussing the matter.
"I mean... these children… they just need to learn these things while they are in the mei'sa. It's how…"
"Humans do things?" He interrupted.
She eyed him.
"Well… yes. It is. You know, R'chnt, I was away from that world.. My world for so long, I had not even realized how much I simply forgot about being human. The words were a struggle; it had been since El'tude and A'ryin'di were little since I spoke the language last. But I still remember what it was like to grow up. At least.. I sort of do."
"What do you mean?"
She slid off his body and tucked in next to him, sighing slowly and deeply.
"I don't know. It's hard to explain. I thought I remembered exactly what Earth was like. What humans were like, and what living there was like. But when we went back… " she shook her head slowly. "I just realized that I almost nothing was like I remembered it. It was like I was… an alien. I did not belong there anymore. Not at all. It was so strange."
"I think the Ancients wanted me to come to grips with exactly what or who I was and where I belonged. That's what they were trying to make me understand."
R'chnt rumbled in agreement. "Worthy and valid advice for anyone at all."
K'Shai chuckled. "Indeed. And I'm at the point where… our own children are all Blooded and raised up and discovering their own lives and who they want to be…. Which reminds me.. Have you seen or heard from Sar'uch-de recently?"
"No." He said simply and unconcernedly.
"It's been at least a month.. Well, anyway…" K'Shai continued. "I just think that some of what I remember from my own heritage can and should be applied to these children. And they want to learn, R'chnt. It's like their…. Their eyes just opened one day when they realized there was actually a whole wealth of information to learn that wasn't just for Blooded adults anymore."
"You know, they are schooling each other." She added.
"What?" He said with surprise.
"Uh-huh," she throated proudly. "Some of the students that are busy when I teach but still want to learn have begun learning from my students. They are tutoring each other on their own language and history and culture. It's amazing to see. It really is."
"K'Shai, I do believe you have found your Path." R'chnt said with a soft purr.
She responded only by a comforted grumble as she fell asleep. She thought about the conversation, and R'chnt's observation, when she woke, made her way back to the mei'sa, and continued on her daily routine again and again.
Supervising the youngsters while they sparred and practiced formations, learned to spot prey, and track, was one thing. It was interesting, and sometimes humorous. It was a little hard to believe that those young, gangly, uncoordinated, and rather obviously goofy creatures would one day grow into the fiercest two and half meter tall hunters in the universe.
Watching them light up when they finally understood how to read their own alphabet and grasp the ability to write and repeat it all well enough to actually teach others was truly incredible. K'Shai continued to impressed day after day, and the ripple she was making in the ways of the Yautja, though perhaps limited now, was becoming a widely discussed matter.
Just as the conversation months before on the terrace with a few other elders, there were those who felt some concern over the unusual change to the training regime; mostly males who really had no decision making in such matters. There were some who supported it, and for the most part, the majority of the Blooded Clan simply did not care or concern themselves.
It was, after all, a mei'sa matter, and as both Clan Leader and a female mei'sa mother, it was completely under Neh'rti's domain anyway.
Neh'rti remained a bit aloof on the matter; she certainly was well aware it was going on and growing in participants, but she did not interfere to the benefit or detriment of the classes or students. K'Shai continued on encouraging her student body to grow, tutor amongst each other, and eventually, a third mei'sa mother joined as an instructor.
"Well, for me," A'ryin'di said as she served herself a platter from a serving tray. It had quickly become a rarity to see any of their offspring, so K'Shai treasured the time any of them made the time to come by and regale their parents with stories of their hunts. "I think it's great."
K'Shai smiled thinly and nodded as she poured herself a drink.
"Your mother has always preferred to do things her own way." R'chnt said with a bit of a purr, stirring a satisfied grin from K'Shai.
A'ryin'di chuckled and K'Shai smiled widely and shrugged.
"The children love it, they are becoming so much more than they were." She added proudly.
"That is how I was raised, mother. Myself and El'tude."
K'Shai nodded at her daughter. "Yes, and you both have become so much more than… well… really than anyone thought possible. We had no idea what was going to happen when the halfbloods were introduced to the clan, did we?" She glanced at her mate as she propped a hand upon his thigh.
"Not at all," R'chnt chuckled. "I knew they would become great hunters, and the Clan would accept them with ease."
K'Shai openly bellowed and shook her head.
"I am proud of you A'ryin'di. Proud of what you and your brothers have accomplished, and I'm very happy to see you here today." K'Shai added.
"The Yautja aren't exactly completely open to change, but they are also adaptable. Who knows what might happen. Maybe this new style of education might become the wave of the future, and it's anybody's guess how that can change the shape of the Clan and the hunters in it." A'ryin'di said aloud.
"If there is going to be something new and different in the Clan, we can be assured it will be at your prompting, mother."
Again K'Shai laughed brightly, nearly choking on her drink as she was sipping it.
"You act as though I cause trouble!"
"My mate?" R'chnt said heartily. "Cause chaos?"
"I said trouble," K'Shai corrected with a brimming smile and kiss upon his cheek.
"Really it all started with you," she whispered to him.
A hearty bellow ensued from R'chnt, which was pleasing to hear. K"Shai looked him over, noticing that his muscular build was looking just a bit less robust; his gray skin seemed even whiter than usual. She stroked one of the long quills that lined his jaw, taking a silent note of just how much longer they seemed; along with the ridges upon his cranium becoming more pronounced, it was the Yautja version of growing old gracefully.
"Indeed," he finally said with a playful purr and a wide smile.
"Well, it seems to be working," K'Shai said. "Chaos causes growth, after all."
R'chnt grumbled throatily in a subtle agreement, while allowing a smile to cross his mandibles.
"The Clan Council will have so much more to discuss," K'Shai said. "All the chaos I cause. They will keep you even more busy than usual."
"Just how much chaos do you plan to cause, K'Shai?" He cooed.
She chuckled and shrugged. "You never know."
"At any rate, has anyone heard from El'tude or Sar'uch-de?" She said finally switching subjects.
Both shook their heads. It was by no means at all uncommon not to have communication; in fact it was pretty standard that hunters never really communicated with anyone they weren't travelling with, and simply returned to the homeworld when they were ready.
Still, there was an innate drive in K'Shai to want to know where her progeny was, and it been many months since she had heard from either of her sons.
"Well, I cannot say where my kin are, but I will be leaving on the second sun up from now." A'ryin'di finally said.
"Another hunt?" K'Shai asked.
She silently nodded and K'Shai's eyes scanned over her proud, proper female huntress.
Her visit back home was over entirely too soon, but A'ryin'di was soon gone. Almost as if upon some kind of telepathic summons, though, K'Shai received a transmission from Sar'uch-de.
After months of his absence, he was returning to the homeworld and requested his mother's presence at his ship, which he, oddly, landed at the most remote Clan landing zone; one that was rarely used except to put broken and damaged vessels so their components could be cannablized for other ship repairs.
The ramp opened and there was her youngest son, standing tall and proud, looking quite pleased with himself as he greeted his mother warmly before he stepped aside and revealed something else.
A pretty red-haired human woman, one that K'Shai knew readily, stepped next to Sar'uch-de. K'Shai clenched her jaw so tightly she thought she had broken it.