The One Less Traveled By

by hakunamatata134

Sandor Clegane is the fiercest warrior in all of Westeros. Men and women alike fear his name: the Hound and the face that matches his infamous reputation. Sandor cares for no one, loathes all people but there is one little bird that makes him want to care. When one unexpected event happens, will he get the opportunity to become Sandor again or will he remain the Hound forever.

18. Chapter 18

Note to readers: I hope I didn't write this chapter too "fluttery" or "too good to be true" type of feel, but I just wanted to emphasize that Sandor and Sansa, including Cara, have finally found a place to call home. The trio has been through much as the story has progressed and they all deserve some peace and comfortability after all the pain and tragedy they have experienced. I understand too that this has been a slowwww burn and it may be off-putting to some (I'm not sure) but please remember that at the beginning of this story Sansa was afraid and uncomfortable around Sandor, and Sandor had never had anyone be kind to him because of his attitude and his grotesque scars. He never even believed himself to be handsome or "good enough" for a whore to desire him so it's not easy for Sandor to accept that someone as beautiful as Sansa loves him and desires him. His inner most thoughts are sometimes erratic (I know), and he goes from loving her and desiring her to not believing she deserves him, and he resists being too intimate with Sansa because of how he's been treated all his life… Just trust that all of this will have a purpose by the end of the chapter and soon Sandor will be forced to make a choice. Also, sorry for how long this chapter is but there was a LOT to unpack here I hope you like the chapter and please leave comments, so I know how you like the story!

Chapter 18

They had been in the small village for almost a fortnight now and Sandor had to admit he enjoyed the quiet, solitude offered from this remote place. Everyone moved unhurriedly and without a care in the world which was completely opposite of everything he had ever known in King's Landing. There, a person not hurrying to get from one place to the other or not being attentive of the company they kept could get themselves in trouble, or even killed. These people he had observed these last several days, didn't seem to have any reason to rush in their tasks and had more than enough time to stop and converse with each other as they passed by. Sandor could imagine why that was the case though after being here now for such a short amount of time. War hadn't reached this part of the world yet. There were no soldiers scouring the countryside or a ruler who made demands of its people day after day. He had heard some talk amongst the men of the politics in this region and how Norvos is ruled by the Bearded Priests and the council of magisters, but the remote village rarely experienced any of the politics surrounding the city since it was so far in the country and located between two mountain ranges. The village was so remote that even the war of the Dothraki and their Dragon Queen barely reached the village. The only change the village seemed to experience was more effort with trading with the city due to the disputes within and the decrease in visitors since the war broke out both in the Free Cities and Westeros.

To Sandor's relief, these people didn't seem to have any idea of who he and Sansa were, and they didn't seem to have any suspicion or worry about the fact it was obvious they came from Westeros. Sandor had known before reaching this place that the Free Cities were more diverse and accepting of every different type of person than Westeros, but he was still surprised that no one seemed to give him a second glance and no one lingered on his scarred face as he had experienced all his life. In fact, most of the men would be drawn to him due to his large frame and manner. He had earned some coin and supplies by helping some of the men with repairs of different buildings and putting up fences and small sheds for the animals around the land. Sandor could see most of the men around his own age were the workers and helping hands for all the homes and businesses adorned across the valley, and they were a focused and determined lot. None of them seemed to mind his unwillingness to make conversation or being brash at times, and some even preferred him this way.

Sandor had to admit that he had slowly began enjoying his time in the solitude of the village and he had devoted the first few days in securing a home for himself and the women. Bertus had kept his word that he would take Sandor around the village to look for a home, and even suggested to him to build his own home with the help of the men in the village. They would only require his help in return when the time was needed for it as payment. Sandor couldn't understand this way of life as it wasn't how he was brought up. In his experience, harshness and power ruled this world and anyone weak were either ruined or killed, but the same couldn't be said about this small world. The people had somehow developed this system of giving and receiving with little hostility or resentment behind it. No one seemed to demand anything from the other and Sandor hadn't seen anyone considered the leader of the small village yet. It seemed the people just lived together in harmony and understanding, and Sandor presumed the politics of the city had never reached this remote land.

Sandor, Bertus, and several of the other men spent the first few days scouting the area for a home for him, and they had been more than willing to give him a history of each vacant home and the pros and cons of each dwelling. Some were larger than others but Sandor could see they were all built in the same style with a living area and kitchen open to each other at the front of the home, and the sleeping quarters toward the back of the home. Each building had more than enough land for planting crops and maintaining any livestock, and Sandor couldn't believe his luck when he finally found the perfect place only four days into his search. The place was located a league from the main part of the village and was nestled on top of a hill away from all the other homes spread across the valley. The back of the home was closer to the mountain range which he thought might be a disadvantage when the rains came but the men assured him the rainwater rarely came down that side of the mountain due to the slope at the top. The closest home to them was to its left over two hundred yards away, and there was more than enough space to plant ample crops for the summer months. It was when he entered the home is when he had known it was perfect for the trio. It was larger than some of the others he had been to, but he learned this was due to the home actually had a separate wing at the back of the house apart from the main living area and bedroom. Sandor learned from Bertus and the others that the home was once owned by the maester of the village who died a few years ago and the extra wing was for tending to his patients. At one time, the wing was just one open room at the back of the house only accessible by a door in the rear and a hall leading to the rest of the home but after the master had died, some of the men had made the one room into two with a small living space and a bedroom for a prospective tenant. Sandor knew this would be perfect for Cara and her child and would provide them more than enough privacy when the babe was born.

Interested enough in the home, Sandor had taken Cara and Sansa to it the next day for their observation and the pair had immediately fell in love with it. Sansa had been overjoyed at the location and the simplicity of the home, and Cara had teared up when he showed her the separate wing that he intended for her and her child. He had been annoyed at her crying but when he looked to Sansa who had remained cold and distant with him since their first night there, he saw her admiration for him reflect in her eyes. He had been relieved at the warmth in her eyes directed at him after four days without it. She and Cara had been inseparable as they met the women of the village while Sandor had been searching for a home, and explained Cara's situation to the women. They would spend hours with some of them who were mothers themselves and discuss her options and the help they were all willing to give Cara. Sandor had to admit that Sansa and Cara had been clever by announcing she was with child the first night they visited Bertus and Trena's home. Bertus had quickly spread the news of the widowed woman who was with child to the rest of the villagers and many of the women had made a point to visit them the next day or two, and some of the younger men would even call on the pair to assess the woman who would eventually be in need of a husband. Sandor had sneered at some of the men who seemed too eager to talk with Cara and overwhelm her with compliments, and Sandor couldn't understand his own protectiveness for her. He didn't care for Cara anything like he did for Sansa obviously but he had grown a soft spot for the woman and he wasn't going to allow a man to claim her without his blessing. Sandor guessed he was also doing for her what Hermes would have expected of him.

Once the women announced they had wanted the home, he had gotten with Bertus on making the purchase. The home was more than a reasonable price and barely dented the amount he had earned over his lifetime. There was a man in the city who held the deed to the home but Bertus stated several men would go into the city once every two weeks or so for trading and they could procure the deed and arrange the payment on Sandor's behalf. Sandor had been hesitant to trust these men with the task and his coin, but he decided he didn't have any reason not to trust the group. Bertus assured Sandor the trio could go ahead and move into the home while he waited for the final document so he had been spending the sennight purchasing furniture or arranging furniture to be made at the request of the women. Sandor hadn't chosen any furniture himself as he didn't care what they had so he left the details to Sansa and Cara. The only thing he requested from one of the men to make was a bed big enough to accommodate his larger frame. With some dread, Sandor had realized when he made the request that the group could only purchase one more bed that was intended for Cara since everyone believed Sandor and Sansa were man and wife. It would raise too many suspicions if the group were to get three beds now. When he had reluctantly told Sansa of this, she had blushed furiously but then smiled up at him telling him that she didn't mind. He knew he couldn't keep their arrangement that way for too long or he would lose his fucking mind, but he had to admit to himself he was pleased he was going to share a bed with Sansa now. The pair had experienced so much together now anyway that propriety had almost been completely forgotten.

Presently, Sandor was sitting lazily on the large, light grey fabric couch Sansa and Cara had picked out a few days ago reading the final deed of the home with his arm laid across its back. Sansa and Cara had been spending most of the day arranging some of the decorations they had purchased with Sandor's coin from yesterday's visit to the village, and he had grown unbothered by their continuous chattering and chuckling in the last sennight as he read through the deed for any errors or misgivings. He had put his name as Liam Bell for the document, which had been his mother's maiden name. He couldn't believe he was an owner of a home even if it was under a false name. They still hadn't received some of their furniture they had requested made yet but most of the furniture… and the overabundance of decorations including rugs, vases, pictures, etc. the women insisted on, were there. They still hadn't received his bed so he and Sansa had been sleeping on bedrolls for several nights, but the man had stated he would have it to them on the morrow.

He looked up to Sansa then who had just started laughing gleefully at something Cara had said, and then he suddenly couldn't tear his eyes away from her. The women had been so carefree for the past several days and both of them had received a light back in their eyes they had both lost during the journey. Cara seemed to be more open now that she knew she was not alone with caring for her child, and Sansa had relished in decorating the home and being attentive to Cara. He presumed that Sansa hadn't probably felt this free even before boarding the vessel that carried them across the sea. She had been living in a cage at King's Landing, and hadn't known true freedom or safety in a very long time. She had resumed wearing the britches and tunics he had purchased her weeks ago, and he had decided he preferred her in the attire over her silly, colorful dresses. Her leg had almost completely healed now and unless someone knew of her injury, you could barely notice the slight limp she carried in her stride. He looked at her now with her smiling face and brightness in her eyes, and knew he wanted to claim her for himself with increasing desperation. She was more woman now than he had ever seen her and she was perfection that seemed to be manufactured just for him. Sansa's positivity and brightness lightened the darkness and rage he had buried deep within himself and he couldn't imagine that small light now growing in himself to ever be extinguished. He had sworn an oath to her many weeks ago that he would be her light in the darkness, but he was starting to see now she was the light in his own darkened soul.

He loved her more than he could put into words now, and it was almost painful for him. At the beginning of this journey, he had almost hated her for her meekness and curtsies, but he knew now it had all been an act, it had been an armor she had used to protect herself. He wasn't sure how much it had helped her in that retched place back then, but he also knew how she acted now wouldn't have been allowed by Joffrey or Cersei then. Now she was strong, confident and without any fears. She expressed her opinions openly to those around her, especially to him, and she wasn't afraid to go toe to toe with anyone anymore. She had an openness and underlying authority to her that had people drawn to her. He had watched it time and time again as the group had started familiarizing themselves with the people in the village. When Sansa would speak or address someone they would immediately give her their undivided attention with delight, and when Sansa would smile, they would mimic her and smile right along with her. If she was talking seriously about something, the others would have a serious expression on their faces in suit. It was amazing to watch her with people and he was fairly positive she had no idea her effect on others. He knew it was because she was a Stark, a leader. She had ancient blood flowing through her veins that made her countenance natural and easy. Sansa was the opposite of himself. He had never enjoyed or was good at conversing with others, and he had never cared about being hospitable or open with others like Sansa was. He hadn't given a fuck about what people thought of him for all his life, so he never cared to be rude or overbearing, and downright cruel to others. Though he was still all these things, Sansa's light was slowly seeping into his own way of being and he found less things irritated him or enraged him as once before.

Sansa turned her attention to him then while still smiling from Cara's statement. He remembered there had been a time when he may have looked away if she caught him staring at her, but he didn't have any reason to hide from her now. He knew she saw the intensity and desire for her in his eyes, and she continued smiling as she looked at him. He saw a blush creep to her cheeks, and only then did she look away, but he continued staring at her. Cara and Sansa were arranging some flowers to put on the dining table with the vases they had purchased yesterday.

"Sandor?" Sansa addressed him while looking at the arrangement. He caught a slight jest in her tone, and he knew whatever she was going to say would be irritating to him, so he sighed audible. Secretly, he enjoyed her jests, and she knew it to be true. "Have you ever heard the meaning of different types of flowers?"

He rolled his eyes at her statement as she looked at him with a sly smile. Cara was also biting her lips together to hide her own smile. "Why would I have ever come to know the meaning of flowers, Sansa? That's woman's talk. It holds no interest to me."

Sansa gasped silently and masked an expression of offense at his statement. "Well, I'm surprised at you Sandor Clegane. Here you are with two women as your charges all these weeks, and feminine concerns don't interest you?" He just sighed heavily at he in response. "Well, Cara was just telling me some of the meanings of the flowers we got from Kierstin who lives on the eastern side of the village. Did you know that an aster represents patience and can also mean elegance?" Sandor just continued staring at Sansa expressionless, but it didn't seem to phase her. "Carnations represents pride and beauty, but the different colors can have different types of meanings. A red carnation means love, pride, and admiration, whereas a yellow carnation means rejection or disappointment. A pink carnation stands for the love of a mother or woman and white means innocence and pure love. Don't you find that interesting?"

Sandor continued looking at Sansa with little interest and stated curtly, "Aye."

He turned away from her then to resume reading over the document in his hand to let her know he was done with her jests. Sansa giggled at him and soon Cara began giggling with her.

"Oh! And this is a gladiolus. It's so beautiful don't you think Sansa?" Sandor looked up to see Cara holding up a red flower with multiple petals bunched up on a long stem the length of someone's forearm. The petals, even the entire flower, was large. "This flower represents strength of character, faithfulness, and honor but it can also mean love and passion."

Sandor looked away again, not wanting the women to think he was interested in their talk. The women continued discussing flowers and other feminine things until he heard a cart and horses approaching. He instinctively grabbed for his belt and sword and stood to strap it around his hip then approached the door. When he opened it, he saw the man tasked to make his bed was approaching with the bed on the back of the cart. He was surprised by his arrival, not thinking the man would be done until tomorrow.

"Liam! Good day to you. I know you and your wife have been without a proper bed for some time now so I recruited one of the men to help me finish it so I could have it to you by today." As the man got closer to the house, he stopped the cart and hopped down from it to begin unstrapping the ropes holding the frame in place. "I'll say I believe it's the finest work I've done for some time now. I know you said you wanted a simple design and wanted it for more practicality, but I've never made a bed of this magnitude before." Sandor should be irritated by the statement but looking at how the cart was barely long enough to not be toppled over by the bed frame, he presumed the man may be right. "I also had one of the women finish your mattress to fit the bed as well and I received it only just this morning. I'm sure your wife will be overjoyed to have a bed again, aye?"

"Aye, she will be happy for it." Sandor said simply. Sandor helped the man bring the bed in the house which ended up being difficult given how large and heavy it was. If Sandor wasn't so strong, he's not sure the two men would have been able to get it in without more help. Sansa was commenting on the bed insistently as soon as she laid eyes on it, and Sandor had to resist rolling his eyes at her glee. It's just a fucking bed.

The men worked to put the frame together then brought the mattress in. Once the bed was completely put together, he stepped back and realized just how big it really was. The man had done exactly as Sandor had asked. He wanted it at least eight feet long to give him plenty of room and had him make it eight feet wide to make enough room for him and his "wife". He also didn't want any frilly designs, so he asked the headboard and foot to be a simple design and the man had done just that. The bed took up most of the bedroom, but he was glad he would finally be able to sleep comfortably again after so many months being confined in smaller beds not long enough for him or on the hard ground.

"Many thanks to you. It's exactly what I wanted." The man beamed up at Sandor then the pair walked out of the room as Sandor paid him and then departed. Sansa was in the bedroom admiring the bed, but he couldn't bring himself to join her. He knew the arrangement would be torturous for him, but he also hoped he would sleep easier knowing she was by his side each night now.

Cara was still arranging the flowers by herself now as Sandor plopped back down on the couch lazily. He looked at her to see her smirking at him. "What the hell are you looking at, woman?"

Her smile only grew at his brashness. "Nothing at all… I just find it interesting you made the bed big enough for both of you when you could have just requested that I have one made that as well would be big enough for two… I'm sure no one would have become suspicious of a woman expecting wanting a larger bed and Sansa could have just slept with me."

Sandor didn't like the woman's insinuation. Before he replied, he realized though that he could have done what Cara said. He could have easily had a bed made for the two women and no one would have second guessed the size of the second bed. But Sandor hadn't wanted to do it. Nevertheless, he couldn't admit that to Cara.

"I don't appreciate your suggestion, woman. I didn't purposely allow you to get an already made bed only big enough for one so Sansa would be forced to sleep with me. I'm not so dishonorable as that." Sandor was becoming heated suddenly. Cara lost her smirk at his statement.

"Sandor, I didn't mean to suggest you are being dishonorable with her. I know you wouldn't dishonor her, but… but how long do you plan to resist her?... Resist your own desires?" Sandor clenched his jaw and ground his molars together. Cara turned fully to him now while peeking at the bedroom door to make sure Sansa was still inside. She spoke low to him. "Sandor, it's been months since you two left King's Landing and you have desired her all this time, and I would bet you have desired her long before stepping on that vessel... How long do you think you can deny your own desires before you lose your resolve? Do you think yourself so strong that you can resist her forever? It's obvious to everyone you love her and desire her. It was obvious to me the first time I saw you with her and it was obvious to Hermes as well. Don't you think Sansa knows the truth?" Sandor was seeing red now and he had to breath deeply to control his rage. Blasted woman. "How long do you think you can lay next to her each night before you lose the control you think you have? You've been without a woman for months now, Sandor... I know that to be true. I know-I know how brutal men can be and I know you would never intentionally hurt her but what do you think will happen if you continue down this path? You're the most brutish, largest man I've ever met. If you don't desire her or have any intention of taking her for yourself then you must tell her. Now, not later. Not after she gives you her whole heart and you crush her with your rejection… and you must stop kissing her if you don't want to go any further with her."

Sandor had lost his patience after that and rose abruptly to snarl into Cara's face. "Why don't you keep your fucking thoughts to yourself? How about that for a fucking change? All you've ever done is poke your nose between Sansa and me. I'd never dishonor Sansa by having anyone question her virtue or deviously conjure up a plan for my own benefit." Unbeknownst to Sandor in his anger, he hadn't seen, or sensed Sansa enter the room at that moment behind him. "I'll not have you or anyone else making silly suggestions that I want to fuck her. Why would I want to fuck some girl like her anyway? I've been with plenty of whores with much more to offer than some highborn maiden like her. I proclaimed Sansa as my wife and there's no taking it back as everyone in this village believes it to be true now. I shouldn't have ever made the claim and I regret doing it but there's nothing to be done for it now. Don't presume to tell me what I do and do not desire, woman. You couldn't even begin to understand what goes on in this ugly head of mine, and neither does Sansa. She's just some silly girl who I've grown protective of, nothing more." Lies. It was all lies but he couldn't stop himself. He needed to convince this woman, maybe even himself, he didn't truly want her. "I swore an oath to her because I felt it was my duty to her, and I stay at her side now because she doesn't have anyone else. If it wasn't for her family's deaths and Winterfell being destroyed, I would have stayed in Braavos until the end of the war to collect my coin from her brother, but the stupid fucker got himself killed and now I'm stuck with her because I feel sorry for her." Cara was trying to look over his shoulder with wide eyes, but he put his face closer to her then. "I wouldn't ever allow myself to love anyone. I'm not that weak. If Sansa doesn't know that by now, then that's her problem." He scoffed then. "As if I'd ever marry Sansa Stark anyway. She nor any other woman would ever mean that much to me. I don't love her; I only pity her. She's just some little girl lost in the world and I'm here to help her see her way as her sworn shield."

Once he'd made his declaration, he suddenly felt much better. The anger he had before seeped out of him at his words and brashness. He knew what he had said were utter lies but seeing the shock on Cara's face gave him some relief. Maybe she would back off now suggesting he wanted to fuck Sansa. He realized then that Cara had a pained expression on her face as she stepped back from him to look past him. His heart stopped then realizing what she was looking at. He slowly turned around to see Sansa standing there with tears streaming down her face and she was holding her torso as if in pain. Fuck. He only meant the words for Cara, not her.

"Sansa." Sandor breathed softly. "Sansa, I'm sorry. I-"

She suddenly turned from him and ran back in the room. Fuck! He went after her. "Sansa! Sansa, stop!" As she entered the room, she slammed the door behind her, and she had somehow latched the door in her haste before he could open it so he slapped the door with the palm of his hand. "Sansa, I'm sorry. Please, Sansa. Please. I didn't mean it." He could hear her weeping behind the door, and he sighed heavily. He looked back where Cara had been standing but when he didn't see her, he guessed she had went back to her room to give them privacy. Blasted woman. She was always stirring up his fucking blood.

He turned back to the door. "Love, open the door." All he received was silence and muffled tears. Fuck, he had really done it this time. Gods, what had he said? He had been so angry at Cara, and at everything else, that he couldn't even remember. Fucking idiot. Gods, he was a fucking idiot. Just when things were going well between them, he had to ruin it with his blasted mouth. "Please, Sansa. Please. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it." He pleaded desperately with her. "Sansa, love, you must know it was all lies. I was angry at Cara, and I snapped. I-I just snapped. Please, love, you must believe me."

He contemplated breaking down the door but just as the thought reached his mind, the door was suddenly jerked open. Her eyes were already red, and her cheeks were wet with tears. She looked completely distraught and he knew he had been the one to cause the pain in her features. Gods, he hurt her. He swore he'd never hurt her.

"How could you say that?" The pain on her face caused him such turmoil that he couldn't speak. "If you don't feel that way then how could you have said it? You pity me, you-you feel sorry for me because I lost my family and my home? After all this time, after everything, how can you say you don't love me, that I don't mean anything to you if you don't truly mean it?" Her face was contorted in pain, and she wrapped her arms around her middle again as if in pain.

He entered the room then and closed the door softly. He stood there stupidly for a few moments before reaching for her. He grabbed her by the arms to try soothing her, but she fought lazily against him. She was too distraught to cause much damage, but she punched his chest and clawed at his arms as he tried subduing her and pulling her closer to him. Don't do this. He was desperate for her to look at him, but she kept her head turned away from him as she tried pushing him away.

"Sansa, please. I-I don't know why I said it. Any of it. I just-I was just angry at Cara for her insinuation that I was being unfair to you. Maybe I am." Desperately, he tried pulling her body to him to comfort her without physically hurting her, but she pushed him hard against his chest. He let go of her then and he felt completely miserable, and thought this might be the one thing he's done that she can't forgive him for. "I don't believe half the things I said to Cara. I was- I just lost it. None of it was true. Please, love. Please forgive me." There was a desperation in his voice he'd never heard from himself before, but he'd never seen Sansa so distraught from his brash words before either. He's never begged anyone for anything in his life, but he needed her to forgive him now.

"If it wasn't true, you wouldn't have said it..." The statement was made with finality that sent a shot of panic to Sandor's heart. She looked past him to nothing in particular, and even though her face was wet from tears and her eyes were red, she was beautiful to him. The sun was beginning to set based on the light from the window and her blue eyes were piercing, and her hair flamed all the brighter with the yellow light. "I can't do this anymore, Sandor." She hiccupped then and he felt his heart being squeezed at her statement. No. "I can't continue doing this if you can't truly love me back. I can't live like this."

"Sansa… please." Sandor didn't have any words. I can't do this anymore. What did that mean for them? Would she deny him now and only consider him her sworn shield? Had he hurt her so badly? Would she demand him to leave? No, he couldn't allow it.

"I can't handle any more of your dismissals, Sandor. I want to be with you… truly be with you the way a man is with a woman, but you've refused me every step of the way. It's become exhausting and it's breaking my heart. What's preventing you from accepting me, from accepting us?" She was pleading with her eyes as she looked up at him. "Why can't you let go of whatever is holding you back and just love me? Truly love me like a man loves a woman. You and I are one Sandor. We are one in the same. Why can't you see that? I have loved you for months now and I have respected you for years. Why can't you let go?"

Sandor's throat felt completely closed and he was having a hard time breathing now. He was in a complete panic. How could she want this from him? He knew what she wanted but he couldn't. He loved her more than he's ever loved anyone, and he didn't want to ruin her for who she could become. She had told him she didn't want to go back to Westeros, and that her life and what was expected of her at one time isn't what she wanted anymore. It was clear to him what the true meaning of her words really said; that she wanted to remain with him. He clenched his jaw at the thought. It was more than a man like him could ever hope for but nothing he deserved. She was practically royalty, and he was a second son of a minor House. Even without the scars and his brutish nature, he would never have deserved her. He had to convince her the idea she had in her head was wrong, that she was destined for more than what she was settling on now.

He finally asked her what had been plaguing his mind for weeks now. "I didn't mean what you overheard me saying to Cara, Sansa. You know this. You know I don't look at you like a silly girl anymore or I pity you. We wouldn't have gone through all we've gone through if any of what I said was true, but why do you love me? How can you love me? How? It's not right. Why can't you see that? You don't see what I see Sansa. You're like this rare, beautiful bird who cares about the meaning of flowers after everything you've gone through, and me? I'm awful, Sansa. I know that; you know that. I'm not the same man I was months ago but I'm still just as brash and hateful as I've ever been. If-If you remain at my side, I'll only eventually hurt you. I'll never raise a hand to you, but emotionally I could hurt you Sansa. I've already done it tonight." There was a pain in his voice he'd never heard before, but he found he couldn't control it.

She looked at him in confusion then took a step toward him, so they were almost touching. "I love you because you've made me more than I could have ever been otherwise. I know who you are, Sandor. You're not that man who you thought you were in King's Landing; you're so much more than that. I don't care about your rude, cruel nature because that man has made me who I am now… I love everything about you now. How could I not now? How is this not right?" She lifted her hands up to his chest, then to his shoulders to emphasize her meaning. "Does this feel wrong to you?" She went to raise her body to give him a kiss, but he pulled away from her abruptly. This was too much. All of this was too much. He was breathing hard now putting several feet between them. She had a hurt look on her face but then she furrowed her brow in anger.

"Yes, Sansa. Everything about this," He gestured between them. "is wrong. This has been wrong from the fucking beginning. We should have never started this… You're a highborn Sansa! You shouldn't desire a man like me."

"A man like you?" Sansa raised her voice at him then. "So, I shouldn't desire the man who's saved my life countless times, a man who's protected me, a man who's made me this strong, more courageous version of myself? Yes, I was a highborn lady, Sandor, but that was months ago back in Westeros. We're not in Westeros anymore, in case you haven't noticed, and do you really think anyone would look at me now seeing a highborn lady?"

She gestured to herself then and he knew what she meant. Though she was a beautiful woman, she regularly was clad in men's clothes now and had her hair styled practically, not prettily like they do in court. He surmised no one in King's Landing would even recognize her now and the thought just made him angrier.

"That's exactly what I'm getting at Sansa. Look at you now! Dressed like a man, not the highborn that you are, that you were born to be. You fight, cuss, and are harsher now because of me. I made you this way. I turned you from a royal member of the ancient House Stark into a rough, uncomely woman who is rejecting her responsibilities as the heir to the Northern throne! It's because of me. You should be there someday Sansa and you will be. You must. You cannot run from Westeros all your life and live with a dog! It's not right! None of this is right! If I fuck you, if I were to ever marry you, you will be ruined and probably branded a traitor to the North. You don't want this, Sansa; you just think you do right now."

She was so angry now at him that she had tears in her eyes. "You don't get to tell me what I do and do not want, Sandor Clegane, and you don't get to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I told you before I never want to go back. I don't want to be the ruler in the North! I was never raised to be the ruler; I was raised to be a proper lady in order to form an alliance for my House. I don't want to ever be that girl again, I cannot. Don't you understand? I'm not a little bird anymore and I never want to be a 'lady' again. I refuse it… If you don't want to f-fuck me then all you have to do is say so."

She had her arms crossed over her chest now and he was so getting angry enough that he could feel himself shaking. "Of course, I want to Sansa. I would be a bloody fool if I didn't. After everything that has happened… of course that's what I want, but it's still wrong; it's selfish. You-You'll get over your lustful thoughts in time. I'm your sworn shield, nothing more." The words felt like acid coming out of his lips, but he masked his pain with a blank stare.

"Don't you speak to me that way, Sandor Clegane… and stop looking at me like that. Why do you reject your feelings? You've shared so much with me… we've shared so much together so why can't you share this with me? It's what we both want. It's what we both need." She had a pained expression on her face, and he knew he was hurting her by not responding but he was doing this for her. "Please." She was practically begging him now. He continued looking down at her with a blank expression and he had to resist the urge to pull her to him when he saw wetness at the corner of her eyes. She suddenly became angry again. "Fine. Have it your way then! You kiss me and hold me all these months and express the love you have for me, then expect me not to care for you the way a woman cares for a man. Fine! From this moment on you're my sworn shield and nothing more. If that's what you want, that's what you'll get Sandor Clegane!"

She turned away from him then to grab her nightdress and stepped behind the screen to change. He stood there for several moments trying to steady his racing heart. Gods, in only a moment their relationship had drastically changed. He moved to the chair in the corner of the room to remove his boots and his tunic then and sat there feeling completely miserable. He wanted her so much it pained him, but he knew he could never truly have her, so he had to protect her by resisting her insistence to lay with him, to be with him. He wasn't sure now if he should remain in the room or if she would choose to sleep somewhere else. It would be torturous for him to have to share this bed with her now.

Sansa returned from the cover of the screen and jammed her belongings in her bag as she went about the room. He watched her as she moved around the room and realized her cheeks were flush and she had tears in her eyes. He knew this was inevitable. He needed to establish their boundaries if he was going to protect her virtue. After combing her hair and stuffing her things in her bag, she walked over to her side of the bed and blew out the candle. She laid down under the covers as far on one side of the bed as she could. He guessed she had decided to stay and he knew it was early to be going to bed now so he decided to leave her alone to her own thoughts.

He rose and left the room closing the door behind him softly. He sighed heavily once he was out of the room then went to the cabinet to get a flagon of wine. He hadn't drank much since that night with Cara but he desperately needed something tonight. He drank deeply from the flagon a few times then stopped altogether. He sat there for a while trying to understand how everything had been ruined in an instant. He sighed quietly to himself knowing he had been the cause of this. He realized he had been selfish with her all these months. He had allowed the kisses to continue, allowed the declarations of love, and he had been holding her to him each night for as long as he could remember now. He knew she loved him which he still couldn't completely fathom so of course she would expect more from him. She wanted him to confess to his love for her and express it in intimacy, with sex, maybe even with marriage. The thought of it all was ridiculous to him but she had stated it plainly and had expressed it honestly with him for weeks now. There was a time when her feelings and outbursts would be dismissed easily by him by reasoning she was some silly girl, but now he knew she was just a woman who loved him, and gods help him he loved her back.

He knew deep down that they would likely never return to Westeros, and even if they did it would be long after the war and her claim to the throne would be unlikely. He sighed at the thought. Though he wasn't sure he could love her like she wanted, this road he was travelling down now could go in one of two ways. He could either remain the impervious Hound as he had all his life, shielding himself from pain and keeping everyone at a distance; or he could be Sandor, the man who was desperate for her affection and would allow her love to creep into his heart; a man wanting to take a chance for a stretch of happiness. As he thought of everything the pair had been through together these past several months and the changes that had blossomed between them, he decided then he would take the road less traveled by.

As he reentered the room sometime later, he could see the outline of her body from the flicker of the candle from his side of the bed. The day had turned into night and as he looked over at her, she was as still as a statue. With a heavy breath, he laid down in the bed facing her then reached out his arm and easily moved her body to him against his chest. She remained unmoving against him but didn't resist him to his relief. He whispered in her ear then, "I'm sorry." He placed a few long kisses to her neck to emphasize his meaning. When she remained still, he wondered if she was asleep, but he could hear her breathing was uneven, so he knew she was awake. "Sansa, I'm sorry... Please forgive the man that I am. It's not easy for me to… share. I've never dared allow myself to care for anyone the way that I care for you. I only rejected you thinking I was protecting you." He placed another kiss then to her neck and he felt her tension slowly ease. He was relieved but knew she hadn't forgiven him yet. He had shared so much of himself with her, more than anyone else. Hells, he's fucking cried with her so he could do this. Mustering up his courage and pushing down his fear he whispered in her ear then, "Sansa, I-I do love you… most ardently. I've cared for you since the moment I first saw you, but I've loved you since the morning I woke up with you in my arms the night after the storm on the ship… it was the day I swore to be your shield." She relaxed against him then as he continued whispering to her as he placed kisses on her neck. "I think I loved you before then, but it wasn't until that day when I admitted it to myself. I can't live knowing you may hate me for who I am or think we may ever be parted. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and if-if this is what you truly want then I'll be as good a man to you that I can possibly be."

She slowly turned in his arms with tears in her eyes and he knew she forgave him when her hand reached up to his face and stroked his scars. She knew he couldn't feel the touch, but it gave him comfort knowing she was touching him in the most hated part of his body. He leaned down then to give her a long, passionate kiss. When his nose brushed her cheek and he felt wetness there, he pulled his mouth from her lips to place them against her cheek. Her tears were salty, but her skin was so soft he couldn't stop following the path up and down her face. He couldn't make sense of it but somehow, he was trying to take away any pain she may feel by absorbing her tears into himself. He returned his lips back to hers when he felt he had taken all her tears away and sank further into the bed with her as he pressed his body into hers. Now wasn't the time to lose his head but he allowed the lust within him to build instead of rejecting it; now was the time to let her know how he felt in this moment that his words couldn't describe. He wanted her to know he worshipped everything about her and that he just wanted to care for her like she deserved. He wanted to keep her safe and protected as long as he was here with her, and he wouldn't ever leave her alone again.

When he heard a whimper from her, he removed his lips from hers and placed more urgent kisses to her neck and collarbone. Though he didn't want to hurt her and wanted to remain in control, he groaned when he felt her hands on his shoulders and in his hair as he kissed her further down her body. Without any hesitation, he pulled down the collar of her nightdress to expose one of her full breasts to him and he immediately took her nipple within his mouth. The contact made her gasp and he growled at hearing the sound. Gods, she was fucking perfect. Her nipple in his mouth as he swirled his tongue around was like stepping into his own personal heaven. He moved to do the same to the other breast as he pulled the collar of her nightdress under both her breasts. When he captured her other nipple in his mouth she moaned, and his head started to swim with the lust that was building in him. He roamed his hands all over her body, feeling as much of her as he could through the thin material. His blood was heating and with one swift motion, he sat up between her legs and ripped the material from her body, fully exposing her nakedness to him. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her with the help of the candlelight. Perhaps there were Gods after all.

Her body was perfection… her breasts were plump and round, and her nipples were erect as if calling out for him. He'd known she had curves but nothing like the true image of her. Her waist was slim, but her hips flared out into an hourglass shape. Her stomach was flat and taut, but she had a small pudge right under her belly button that made his mouth water. When he looked down to her sex and saw the soft, red curls and glistening wetness there, he had to tear his eyes away so he wouldn't lose control of himself completely. He looked to her face then and though she looked anxious, he could see the increased lust in her eyes. He was desperate to feel her skin against his, so he leaned down to capture her mouth with his while pushing his entire torso flush against her. The feel of her against him was like none he had ever known. She was soft and so forgiving under his roaming hands, and as she panted and moaned, he started feeling his control slipping. He pulled away from her then and started trailing kisses all over her body anywhere he could. He assaulted her breasts more aggressively this time and she made a sound of pleasure that heightened his blood further. He continued down to her ribs then her stomach and the small pudge she had he focused some attention on. He sat up again while grabbing her left ankle and started placing kisses and scraping his teeth against the skin of her ankle down to her knee as he kept his eyes locked on her. She had a look of complete wonder in her eyes as he tasted every part of her, and she was becoming more flushed as he leaned down to devour the inside of her thigh. He knew his control was slipping increasingly so to bring himself back to reality a bit he went to her right leg and felt the scar on her thigh.

She jumped a little when his finger glided over the jagged scar, and he stopped to look at her. She swallowed and choked out, "It's just a little sensitive."

He looked back at the scar then and he felt a pain in his chest remembering how it had gotten there and the recovery after. Those had been the most miserable days of his life watching how she suffered and being helpless to care for her. He leaned down to place a light kiss at her knee where the scar began and continued up all the way to where the scar ended. When he was done, he looked back at Sansa, and she had tears glistening in her eyes. He quirked his mouth at her then grabbed her hand to give it a tender kiss.

"I want to take you now, Sansa, but is this what you truly want? We don't have to do this."

She smiled at him and whispered to him, "Yes, this is everything that I've wanted."

He was relieved at the statement and he could feel his cock pushing at his britches now. "I'll be as gentle as I can and even thought I want you now, I need to make you ready before you can take me."

She furrowed her brow a bit as if in confusion and looked nervous, but she nodded to him to continue. He moved down her body to place kisses down her thighs and placed his head in front of her sex. Gods. The woman was perfect everywhere. He could smell her so intensely that he felt a hot shoot of pleasure go straight to his cock. When he placed his hand on her curls and felt the wetness there, he knew he was lost. He pulled her to him then by grabbing her thighs to pull flush against his shoulders then used his forearms to lock her into place. He spread her lips and finally tasted her. He groaned against her as he tasted her sweet, tanginess. He'd only done this a few times with some of the braver whores, but he lost himself completely as he moved his tongue up and down Sansa now. He thought he could hear some gasps and moans above him but his ears where ringing with lust too much to be sure. When he sucked her bundle of nerves in his mouth and swirled his tongue, he felt her jerk up and let out a moan loud enough to break through to him. He continued focusing his attention on the bundle of nerves over and over as she writhed under him.

He knew he had her pleasured enough that she could take his fingers, so he started pushing his index fingers into her. He was losing it again when he felt no resistance but only wet heat. He added a second finger that did have some resistance, so he focused his mouth and tongue on the bundle of nerves as he pushed his second finger more forcefully. When he felt an end at his fingers, he stroked it knowing it was her maidenhead. Though he would love to break through it with his cock, he knew it would be less painful for her with his fingers. He pushed his two fingers into her fast and hard until he had them buried in her. She yelped but when he raised his head to look at her, she didn't appear to be in too much pain. In fact, she looked completely wanton. Her hair was splayed against the pillow in all directions and her whole body was flush with a sheen of sweat. She was beautiful. He moved his fingers out then back in slowly as he watched her. She closed her eyes and seemed to be focusing on accepting the intrusion. Gods he loved this woman.

He continued pumping his fingers in and out of her slowly as he focused again on her bundle of nerves until he felt little resistance, then he started spreading his fingers apart while inside her. She made a sound as if in discomfort, but she wasn't asking him to stop yet. He continued that for a while until he felt he had massaged and stretched her muscles enough to accommodate him. He wiped his fingers against his britches when he removed them from her knowing they would be covered in blood. He sat up then to look down at her. He was breathing erratically, and she wasn't much better. She looked spent already and he wondered if this would be good enough for tonight.

"Do you want me to stop? We don't have to continue if you've changed your mind."

She furrowed her brow at him in confusion then just smiled at him. "No Sandor I don't want you to stop. Please."

It's all he needed to hear for him to unlace his britches and pull them off with one fluid motion. He settled himself between her legs then and he thought he could die right here and be a happy man. He captured her mouth with his and he kissed her long and hard. He felt like he was pulling her into himself as he devoured her mouth and pushed his tongue into her. He knew he wasn't being gentle, but she didn't seem to mind based on her hands at his hair and shoulders gripping him tightly. He pulled away from her then to bury his head in her neck to scrap his teeth and suck roughly against her skin.

He mentally prepared himself before he reached down to place his cock at her opening. He pushed into her some until the head of his dick was fully inside her and immediately felt the tight resistance of his intrusion. He squeezed his eyes shut from both the anticipated pleasure her tightness would grant him and the guilt he would feel once he began stretching her to accommodate him. He knew he would need to be slow and gentle with her so he wouldn't brutalize her. He pulled back from her so he could look at her and saw her with a worried and pained expression. Sandor hadn't ever had to take a woman's virginity before and other than Sansa, had little experience on how to comfort a woman. To ease her discomfort, he leaned down to place a softer kiss to her quivering lips. Sandor gave her time to pull away in case she had already changed her mind about him having her. To his relief, she lifted her head to meet him with softened lips and began moving them against his tentatively. Sandor took that as encouragement and began slowly massaging his rough lips with her softer ones. Between the softness and warm plump of her lips, he couldn't stop himself from starting to kiss her as if he was a man starved. She didn't seem to mind though and even wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned into her body, so his chest was flush with hers and began wrapping his own arms around her small frame. All of a sudden, he was kissing her with the passion of longtime lovers, and she was kissing him back with the same fervor and eagerness. He poured all the love he had for her in that kiss, and he could feel she was doing the same.

Sandor lifted his head to give himself a chance to breath and grasp his sanity for a moment. When he looked down at her, she was looking at him with wonder. Her cheeks all the way down to her chest was flush and she was breathing unevenly. With the flicker of the candlelight, Sandor almost swore he saw moisture at the corners of her eyes. He felt a small heat grow in the center of his chest that he couldn't describe and immediately took possession of her lips again which she took back eagerly. Sandor took that moment to slowly rock his hips forward to enter her more fully and she gasped against his lips. He continued to slowly enter her opening feeling the head of his dick stretch her. At that moment, he removed his lips from hers and put his forehead against hers to focus on his movements. It took all his willpower not to plunge into her womb up to his balls. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt her stretch more with each movement he made while cradling her shoulders. Her tightness was unbelievable and almost painful to him but the pleasure starting to shoot down his back and up his legs was none he had ever felt. He ground his forearms into the mattress to keep her from moving too much. Sansa at some point wrapped her own arms around his shoulders and grabbed the hair on the back of his neck for purchase.

When he reached the muscle within her he knew would offer the most resistance and cause her pain, he lifted his head up enough to look at her. He suddenly couldn't take his eyes off her. She was at that moment more beautiful to him that he'd ever seen her, which seemed impossible to him. She seemed to be glowing and radiating light. She had a single tear going down each side of her head and running down her neck into the pillow beneath her. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her lips had parted but her eyes showed something in them he had never seen anyone else directed solely on him: love and acceptance. She was looking at him like she was seeing him for the first time.

"Am I hurting you?" He needed to know if he was causing her a great deal of pain before going any further. She would soon be in a great deal more pain as he plunged further into her, and he needed her to understand what she was asking for.

"No," she breathed, "you're not hurting me." She gave him a small smile while roaming her eyes across his face. She wasn't looking at anything in particular, but there was something in her eyes as she looked at his forehead down to his chest, he couldn't quite place. "Sandor, please don't stop."

Sandor groaned into her neck then and knew he didn't have much more restraint left in his body.

"Sansa, I've promised you I would never hurt you," he shifted his head to lightly place kisses on her neck to emphasize his meaning. "But I'm about to break that promise."

Before he waited on a response, Sandor thrust into her as far as he could reach in her depths with accurate precision and with as little amount of pain as possible. Sansa gasped and dug her fingers into his shoulders. Sandor's shoulders, arms, and entire body began to shake. Sansa began whimpering beneath him and her body started shaking in time with his own tremors.

Sandor saw stars as soon as he felt her warm tightness wrap around his length. Her heat and wetness reminded him of a time when he had been badly bruised and beaten in battle and he had sunk into a hot pool. The feeling of the hot pool against his beaten, bruised body had felt like a soothing blanket put there to heal his skin and muscles. Having his dick buried in her was the same feeling except it was more like that blanket was wrapped around his heart and soul. He suddenly couldn't remember why he hadn't done this sooner. He hadn't ever experienced this much pleasure with any other woman or even with his own hand than he did now. He hadn't even properly begun to make love to her yet and he was having to restrain himself from spilling his seed deep inside her… Is that what he was doing? Making love to her? He had never made love to a woman in his life. He almost snickered to himself from his outlandish thoughts until he lifted his head once again to look into her eyes. Though her eyes were filled with tears and her face was contorted in pain, she looked at him as if he was the only man in the world. Perhaps he was to her.

"Are you okay?" He whispered as he placed a small kiss just under her jaw. He needed to hear from her this was okay. Gods all he wanted to do was thrust violently into her tight, wet cunt. He knew he couldn't hurt her like that though.

"Yes…please make love to me, Sandor."

And so, he did.

It was the most amazing night of his life. A night a monster like him didn't deserve but he relished in it anyway. Sandor began talking sweet nonsense into her ear he didn't know were capable of coming out of his brutal mouth as he gently thrust in and out of her. He spoke to her like some lovesick green boy telling her how beautiful and strong she was, and how happy he was that she had chosen him. When he began to slowly make love to her, his entire body felt aflame. He broke out in a sheen sweat from the heat in his own body and the exertion of taming the beast within. He'd fucked many whores in his lifetime and he always took them rough and fast until his completion without any care in the act. But this was Sansa, his Sansa, the woman he had grown to love and the only woman on this earth that's ever loved him back. She was a lady that deserved this moment to be one to remember in elation. Sansa had endured an enormous amount of pain and humiliation during her time in King's Landing and the coward he was had never stopped it. Her spirit had been broken in that lion's den and her wings had been clipped where she couldn't fly anymore. This moment wasn't only for her but also for him; for him to write the wrongs he had done her in the past and to give her something she would be able to cherish forever.

When he was finally thrusting in and out of her with a rhythm he was in control over, he looked her in her eyes again and felt like he was drowning in her blue irises. The pain in her expression from before was gone and in its place was a look of complete contentment. He wasn't sure if she would feel the climax he was slowly beginning to feel deep in his groin but he would make this as pleasurable as possible for her. He continued the steady pace that was almost agonizing for him. Her body seemed to be made for him. She fit so tightly around his shaft that he wondered if there was in fact Gods who had made this woman just for him. He leaned down to kiss her again and this time their kiss was wetter and sloppier than before, and he was panting with exertion into her mouth as he continued to stroke inside of her. Sansa gave a soft pleasurable moan against his mouth then and he realized she hadn't been as relaxed as he thought because as soon as the moan left her lips, he felt her muscles relax at the same time he was in a downward thrust. He gave a loud grunt and groaned in pleasure when he felt the tip of his dick hit her back wall. He stilled and buried his head against her neck then and gently bit the inside of her shoulder to try to contain the need to plunge mercilessly into her.

Sansa sighed in pleasure when he filled her completely then and she seemed to understand his control was slipping so she wrapped her legs and arms around him tighter then whispered next to his ear, "It's okay, Sandor. Please. It's okay."

Something in him snapped at her words and he felt an animalistic instinct arise inside of him. He lifted his head from her neck then and rose his upper body enough to place his hands on either side of her head. With her legs still wrapped tightly around him, he thrust into her more vigorously. The pleasure he was feeling came in waves then and he threw back his head as he groaned above her. He was thrusting so roughly that she was being shoved higher in the bed. He hoped he wasn't hurting her but based on the moans coming from her and the pleasure on her face that he now could see, she was enjoying his relentless thrusts. He was pulling out of her to the head of his dick and plunging back into her to where she ended, and he knew then he wouldn't be able to stop until he reached his climax. When he saw her head was almost hitting the headboard of the bed, he wrapped his right arm under her torso and lifted her to him as he sat back on his knees. As he continued plunging into her with her breasts bouncing, he put his arms around her to help her body move against him. He never felt pleasure or pure joy as he did in this moment with her in his lap as they were joined as one. At some point he couldn't tell where he began, and she started anymore. He felt his heart bursting in his chest at the realization that he had claimed her fully for himself and was continuing to claim her repeatedly with each thrust. Sansa had her arms wrapped around his shoulders and she dug her nails into his back which caused an animalistic growl to come from him. He was devouring her neck and mouth as he made fervent love to her, and he could feel his climax was almost upon him. When he felt her muscles clench around him from pleasure it was his undoing. He gave three more rough thrusts into her before burying himself deep within her to release his seed. He gave a fierce roar against her neck and crushed her body to him.

As his climax slowly dissipated, he slowly eased the hold he had on her and began placing soft kisses to her neck and face. He still had her on his lap and when he looked in her eyes, he saw tears beginning to form there. He almost jerked away from her afraid he had hurt her in his uncontrollable lust but when she smiled at him, he almost wanted to weep himself. He kissed her then tenderly, and he knew their lives would change forever after this moment. He moved them to lay on the bed and he was surprised at the ache he was feeling in his body. It had been some time since the last he had taken a woman but given the initial constraint he had with her, he presumed he had never had sex with a woman like he had Sansa just now. She laid her head on his chest as he laid on his back and wrapped an arm around her. He was still breathing heavily from his exertion and his climax. As they lay there in silence, both probably dazed from their coupling, he started to get worried when she said nothing.

"Sansa, are you okay? I didn't hurt you too much, did I?" He gently stroked her upper arm and back wanting to comfort her if she was in any pain.

She sighed and quietly said to him, "It hurt at first but no you didn't hurt me."

He breathed in relief at hearing that then pulled her tighter to him. "Was it what you imagined?" Though there was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, he wanted to know if she had enjoyed it.

"Oh Sandor… It was more than I could have ever imagined. I never thought it possible I could love you anymore than I already did, but I've never loved you more than in this moment."

His heart clenched at her statement, and he had to swallow to contain his reaction. This woman had become his whole life and he almost wanted to run outside in hysteria to ever think she would be parted from him again. He kissed her forehead and said quietly to her, "Aye, me either, love."

They held each other and spoke softly together for a short time before exhaustion came upon them. He had moved the blankets to cover them both and he held her to him as they both fell asleep. Sandor never knew happiness like this was out there on this earth for a man like him, but he presumed that maybe the Gods finally had granted him some peace in this retched world.