A/N: I think of all the chapters in this story, and of all the stories I've recently written, this is my favorite and I feel my best work. I don't want to brag on myself, but I felt so much when I wrote this and I hope it transmits the way I felt when writing it.
Please let me know what you think Things do change for Maria and Georg after this, the angst isn't over but it changes, hope that makes sense.
Some of you have been asking if the person that hurt Maria is revealed. I can only say he gets his comeuppance in a way that was acceptable in 1930 Austria when laws for women that have been raped do not work or exist.
Chapter Fifteen
Maria seemed to thoroughly enjoy the time they spent walking through Prague, exploring museums, trying different foods. Most of the time, she had a smile on her face. She let Georg hold her hand and they exchanged small hugs and chaste kisses. At night though, things were different.
Maria got sick mostly at night. That explained why he hadn't noticed just how much "morning" sickness she was having. It would begin around midnight and last until 2 or 3 in the morning leaving her tired and with lack of appetite in the morning. When she wasn't getting sick, her sleep was restless and fitful. It explained so much of what the doctor said.
Their last night in Prague, Georg remembered something that had helped Agathe when she was carrying Marta. Her sickness had been particularly bad that time around and she figured out, through process of elimination, what helped and what didn't.
When Maria came out of the bathroom in her virginal, high neck nightgown, Georg was holding a steaming mug of hot chocolate. "Maria, I want you to drink this. I think it will help with the stomach troubles."
Maria gratefully accepted the mug. She inhaled the aroma and smiled at her new husband. "This works?"
"It did for Agathe," Georg replied. "And nothing else we've tried has been successful. Besides, you like chocolate. We'll have to take a trip to the chocolatiers in Belgium and Switzerland after the baby is born and you can enjoy it."
Maria took a sip from the mug. "That would be lovely, all of this is so lovely. I just don't know…"
"I know," Georg replied "And you don't have to know. You are trying so hard and Maria, I do love you so very much. If that could heal everything that's happened, but I know it can't."
Maria closed her eyes, "I can't say…I'm not ready to say that I…but I do know I love you too, Georg. I do know that it's the first time I've ever loved like this. I just wish that all of this happened only because of that."
"Regardless of the reason, we can enjoy having our feelings in the open, can't we?" Georg prompted. "It doesn't have to matter why."
Maria looked down at the simple but beautiful gold ring on her finger and set the mug down on a nearby table. "I wish that were true," Maria replied. "But it does matter. It certainly matters. You tell me you've loved me for a long time, but you never said anything. Why didn't you say something?"
Maria's voice was rising, and her face flushed red with a flare of sudden anger. "Maria," Georg sighed. "There are so many reasons that I held back, not the least of which is our age difference. I wanted you to be happy, Maria. That's all I ever wanted for you. I didn't think you could ever love me back the way I love you."
"Well, I'm not happy, am I?" Maria snapped. "I'm not happy, I am miserable, I am tired, I am…I am pregnant and I don't want to be!"
The words hit them both like a grenade. Maria covered her mouth as if to stop the words that had already escaped. Georg stepped back, not sure of what to say.
"Since the Baroness left, I have been waiting for you," Maria said after a moment, anger dripping from her voice. "I waited and waited for you to come to me and tell me you loved me. The Baroness said you did, I knew deep down you did, but you just hid away again. I pulled away from you that night, that's true, but you could have talked to me and found out why! You could have asked me; you could have done something! Why didn't you do anything, Georg, why?"
Maria was shaking as she brought her arms up to protect herself. Even she wasn't sure where these feelings were coming from. Why was she so angry at he one person who had been supporting her since that terrible night even if they didn't realize it?
When Georg didn't react at all it just fueled her fire. "I was supposed to be under your protection! I was supposed to be able to trust you! Why didn't you stop me from…why didn't you protect me? Why did you hide so long that I felt I had no place else to go if I ever wanted to be more than a servant?"
Georg still did nothing, he said nothing, he just took the beating, so to speak, on the chin. Maria had so much pent up emotion, so much anger and pain that she needed to get out. If that meant shouting at him, then so be it.
Georg's approach only infuriated Maria more, "You're doing it again! You're just standing there staring at me! I'm shouting at you, I'm blaming you for something that isn't even your fault and you don't do anything! "
Maria covered her face with both her hands. She was sobbing so hard her breath was only coming in tiny spurts.
Finally, Georg spoke. "It is my fault."
He said it so softly Maria barely heard him through her cries. Slowly, he closed the gap between their bodies and reached out his hands. He didn't want to crowd her; he didn't want to take away any of her personal power.
Maria dropped her hands to meet Georg's eyes but didn't reach out to touch him. He was aching to hold her, to rock her, to soothe her and absorb her pain, but he couldn't. Not yet.
"What?" Maria was perplexed. Had she really said that out loud? Had she even thought that?
"I said it is my fault," Georg repeated. "You're right. If I had been able to get out of my own way the night Elsa left none of this would have happened. If I hadn't been so stubborn in voicing my political convictions in public and I had gone to the party with Liesl, this wouldn't have happened. If I had told Mueller no when he came asking about you none of this would have happened."
Georg took a deep breath and continued, "I should have protected you. It was my duty, and I failed. I failed miserably and I'm sorry."
With those heartfelt, wrenching words, Maria stepped forward and threw her arms around Georg's neck. She buried her face in his shirt and wished she could just hide from the world.
Georg wrapped Maria in a strong embrace and rocked to and fro, just a little bit. He was certain he'd never heard someone cry like this before, not even when he made officer's calls to the widows of fallen comrades.
Maria pulled back, it felt like she had cried every tear imaginable. She looked and met Georg's eyes surprised to see that he was crying too. Had her words caused those tears on his handsome face?
Maria reached up to touch the streak on his right cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispered breathlessly. "I'm sorry I just had to let it out. I am so angry. Georg, I'm really angry! I've never been so angry in my whole life!"
Maria looked like she was searching the room for something to pick up and throw. "Then let it out," Georg encouraged. "Just let it out."
The mug of cocoa was the first casualty. Then, Maria turned and saw the lamp illuminating her side of the king size bed. She grabbed it by the base and threw it into the wall. Next was a few of the water glasses in the bathroom. After that, the other lamp.
Georg stood back and watched her nearly destroy the room as she continued to cry angry tears. He couldn't help but smile with pride. Maria was going to take her life back. It might be the hardest thing she ever did, but she was going to do it and he'd be right by her side as she did.
When Maria finally sank onto the side of the bed, she was both exhausted and mortified at the damage she'd done. "Oh Georg, I'm…" she began.
"Don't apologize," Georg broke in quickly. "You had to let all of that out, that's how you're going to heal. This isn't much, don't worry for a minute."
Maria nodded, "He held me down," she whispered. "I was on my mountain, the safest place in the world for me. It was where I would go to escape…to just be free."
Georg moved to sit beside Maria, "Let's get you lying down," he said gently. Her arranged the pillows and pulled back the cover so Maria could slide in between.
Maria kept talking. "I was almost there, to the top where we had picnics, where I taught the children to sing. I felt something grab me, and for a second I thought I went off course, it was already getting dark, I thought I got caught on a bramble. Only it wasn't a bramble, it was…it was his hands."
Georg put the covers over Maria's body, once again not reacting to anything she said only this time she seemed to welcome that. He gently put his hands over hers as they rested unconsciously on her still flat stomach.
"He pulled me so hard...I tried to fight him off but…then I remembered something. Something else and I stopped."
Maria's face was pale as the sheets and her hands were ice cold. Georg wanted to stop her there, but he knew if he did she might never again have her guard down long enough to tell him anything more. He prompted her instead of subduing her, "What did you remember, Maria? What made you stop fighting?"
"I remembered my uncle," she confessed. "He would always tell me, when he would beat me or push me to the ground, if I held still, if I don't fight back, it would be over quicker. I needed it to be over, I just…I just wanted to go home."
Georg felt bile rise in his throat at what Maria had just said. He knew her childhood hadn't been idyllic, but even his jaded mind never thought she had been beaten. How could anyone that endured something like that turn out like his precious Maria? How could anyone that endured physical abuse like she described still be capable of love?
It all made sense now. It all made perfect sense. She would say aloud that she loved him, just had only a short time ago, and she would initiate minor levels of physical affection but if he tried to do much more than hold her hands, she would unconsciously back away. She would stand up to him, but only from a distance, if he was in her space she would back down. She had been trained as a child, when a man is in your personal space, where he can hurt you, you back down.
"Oh dear God," Georg said when he caught his breath. "How old were you when? Is that why you ran away to the abbey?"
Maria looked up from their clasped hands, "I was 6 and I had tried to give him a hug. He didn't want my sticky handprints on his pants and…"
"That's disgusting," Georg grated out as he shook his head. "That man should be keelhauled within an inch of his life. That's why you're afraid of me, isn't it?"
"I'm not," Maria said quickly. "I'm not afraid of you. I know you care for me and will protect me; I know that."
"Then why when I try to touch you…Are you afraid if I become angry and I'm close to you that I'll hurt you?" Georg began. "You don't know you're doing that, do you? You don't know you're pulling away from me."
Maria shook her head, "No, I suppose I don't. I don't want to.. To be honest, I'd let a lot of the memories about my uncle go until this happened. It's like this one event just ripped open the floodgates again and all those memories are swirling around."
Georg wanted to pull her into his arms, but he knew even if her fear was an unconscious one, he had to earn her trust. He had to teach her body and her mind that he was safe and the only way to do that was to take his time.
Georg pulled back one of his hands and lifted it to show it to Maria. "May I?" he asked moving slowly toward the nape of her neck.
"Yes," Maria replied focusing her mind on Georg's outstretched hand.
That time, Maria felt it. She felt her body slightly twitch backward away from Georg's hand. She took a breath as he moved closer. "I'm going to hold you now," he told her. "And I am never going to let go."
Maria let herself mold into his loving, gentle, safe arms and rested her head on his shoulder. "Please don't let go, Georg," she whispered. "I couldn't bare this without you. I need you."
Georg tightened his hold just a little bit. "I'm not going anywhere." That was a promise.
Their relationship changed that day. With no more secretes between them and a newfound understanding, Georg and Maria slowly began to build on their love.
When they returned home from Prague, it was to seven excited children wanting to know all about the foreign city and see the presents that Georg and Maria had selected. That night, they sat around the dinner table a real connected family.