God? Devil? Fuck that, I'm gonna be a bunny

by Fabled Webs

Or: How an American chef became a jade beauty by murdering a goddess because avocados are bad for the environment.

2. I may have become a xianxia protagonist…

Preface

Yeah, you're getting this a few days early. I have a wedding to get to on Friday so I'll be flying out to CA for the weekend. I obviously won't be updating then and didn't want to do you dirty so here it is.

Guys, I fucked up. The second half of this chapter got eaten so I'm posting it again. Apologies, this is the full chapter.

I somehow managed to not get myself killed for acquiring forbidden knowledge and swore vengeance on my rabbit. I didn't know how, but I'd figure out a way.

After that mess, I was taken by a maidservant of some sort into a grand temple. It was nestled between two peaks and painted blood red. Honestly, it looked more like a demon king's castle than a martial arts temple.

"Behold," Luo Hao said, "my residence is grand, is it not?"

"It's certainly something. Do you keep a hoard of demonic cultivator jiang shi in your basement?"

"How rude! There is nothing of the sort!"

"I'm kidding. It's a bit spooky, but it has its own kind of majesty."

"Hmph, don't think you can flatter me."

"I'm being serious. It looks very imposing, kind of like you."

"Very well. Fengjun will take you to the baths to wipe your… you."

"Ah… Thanks," I said awkwardly. I supposed it was a little hard to be charming with vomit on my shirt.

X

After a bath, I was led by the one called Fengjun to a surprisingly humble room.

The bedroom was luxurious in its cleanliness and simplicity. Rather than flaunt wealth with elaborate wallpapers and gorgeous paintings as the Grand Lotus had, it had an almost rugged feel to it with visible beams over the ceiling and paper windows.

"Here you are, oh great king," Fengjun spoke, her voice soft and quiet like the morning dew. She was a classical Chinese beauty, with long brown hair that flowed down her back like a waterfall.

"Ah, thank you, Fengjun," I told her sincerely. "Please allow me to apologize for any faux pas I make in advance. I'm very new to the whole Campione stuff."

"A Campione has no need to apologize to this lowly one. I exist to serve her eminence and her honored guest."

"Courtesy is never wasted." I pulled out a chair for her. "Please, take a seat. Unless there is something Luo Hao wants us to do?"

"No, her eminence will likely want to spend time with you tomorrow, but your time is your own. If there is anything you require of me, please ring that bell," she pointed to a small bell on the coffee table.

"Ah, thank you for your hospitality," I said with a bow. I really wasn't good at this kind of formal stuff.

"This is the least I can do for the honored guest of her eminence, Luo Hao."

"Say…"

"Yes, great king?"

"Y-You don't have to call me that. My name is Luca. Or Tianyu I guess? That was the courtesy name I got from the Jade Rabbit… not that I know much about courtesy names at all…"

"Ah, if… if you would permit this lowly one to explain?"

I blinked. Why would I be offended at being taught? She walked on eggshells around me simply because I was a Campione. "Of course you can, Fengjun," I said as reassuringly as possible. "I was just a traveling chef before I became a Campione so I'm not going to put on any airs. Please just call me Luca?"

"I cannot!" she yelped. It was like I asked her to give me her firstborn. "How can this lowly one refer to you by your true name? Even your courtesy name is too great for my lips!"

I breathed deeply. "Okay… Tianyu then… Can you please tell me what the deal is with that?"

"O-Of course, my king. I apologize that I was unable to fulfil your simple request…"

"I'm not mad. I won't be upset over small things like this. Just speak comfortably."

"If it pleases you… A courtesy name was historically bestowed upon young men, and sometimes young women, upon their age of majority. These names were used to sign official documents. Elders and intimate family could use true names, but peers and lessers ought to address you by your courtesy name, my king."

"I… see… But why would the Jade Rabbit give me a courtesy name?"

"Is that the god you slew?"

"Yes, though it was something of an accident."

"The Jade Rabbit is the God of Charity, often called the Chivalrous One. She likely bestowed it upon you as an acknowledgement of your miraculous deed. Sometimes, courtesy names were earned through merit and I cannot think of a greater merit than the ascendance of a Campione."

"I see…" I trailed off. I then noticed that I hadn't even asked who she was. I'd assumed she was a maidservant, but the more she talked, I was starting to get the feeling that she wasn't just here to clean away dust bunnies. "Fengjun? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, my king."

"Who are you? I mean, what do you do here?"

She startled and got to her feet before falling into a deep bow. "My apologies, great king! I did not introduce myself to your satisfaction! A thousand pardons!"

I felt an oncoming headache. How did Luo Hao live like this? Was this why she was so apathetic towards others? If everyone kissed her ass like this, eventually, anyone would just… stop caring…

"No, the fault is mine," I said, hiding my budding frustration.

"I am Fengjun Yi, of the Yi family of shamans who have served as caretakers of this temple for generations. We of the Yi family have a unique affinity for the dragon veins."

"I'm sorry, dragon veins?"

"My apologies. You may have heard of them referred to as ley lines."

"Of course."

"The Yi family excel at the divining arts and serve as her eminence's assistants and handmaidens in her study of the mystical arts. It is an honorable position."

"I see…" That explained her bearing. Despite her nervousness, I noticed that she bore herself with a poise that most models couldn't match. She also seemed extremely knowledgeable about the magical world. "Do you have anything you need to do tonight?"

Her face flushed red. "I-If that is the great king's wish… I would be honored to service you this night."

"If you're busy…"

"No! Nothing could be of greater import than your needs, both as a great king in your own right and as the honored guest of her eminence!"

"Ah… Thanks…"

I was at once flustered and humbled. I'd never had someone show me such raw respect before, especially since I didn't feel I actually earned it given the circumstances of my… godslaying… Even Yinghua did not show me this kind of awe.

Still, it was useful in its own way, I supposed. She was the daughter of a family of shamans, meaning she likely grew up surrounded by the mystic arts. She probably knew a lot of things that she dismissed as common knowledge, nuggets of information I didn't have…

I looked at her and wondered if this was why Luo Hao had her be the one to take me to my room. Luo Hao likely had better things to do than answer inane questions, so she might have sent someone knowledgeable with the assumption that I'd educate myself.

Or maybe she just picked the first person who showed her face.

Either way, Fengjun was here and she was my ticket to not being an ignorant rube… or less of one…

I placed Don Fluffles on a pillow and turned to face her. She looked nervous and flustered, with a blush that went all the way to the roots of her hair. I played the conversation back in my head. "Oh! No! Not that kind of service!" I yelped. "Luo Hao's my fiance!"

"H-Her… fiance…?"

I could practically see the moment reality shattered like glass before her eyes.

It would have been comical if I didn't understand the very real death sentence sleeping with Luo Hao's underling the very day I entered an engagement with her would be.

"I just want you to answer some questions about magic!" I hurried to clarify.

"Oh! M-My apologies for my presumptuousness!" she yelled, her forehead against the tiles.

I groaned. "Just… Please get up. I just want to ask you questions about the basics in the magical world."

"R-right… Yes, my king. W-What would you like to know?"

"Well, first off, can you tell me about the other Campione? Who are they? Do they all claim large territories of their own? What are they best known for?"

She coughed to clear her throat. Then, I saw the first display of magic performed by human hands. A shimmering cloud of smoke drew itself from the nearest lamp and formed an image in the air. It was of an elderly gentleman with hard, cold eyes.

"Of course, my king. I will begin with Sasha Dejanstahl Voban. He is the Campione of the Balkans and is sometimes called the Marquis. He… He can best be described as a wolf in human skin. He cares nothing for others, even his own subordinates, and defends his territory viciously. He is also like a wolf in that he hunts down heretic gods freely, even intruding on the territories of other kings with little regard. His ultimate goal is hidden from this lowly one, but he is the oldest of all Campione and possess the largest number of Authorities."

"Which means the highest kill count for gods."

"Yes, my king."

"He sounds like a dangerous man. Who's the next oldest?"

"That would be her eminence. She is has led China for centuries and is a noble, regal figure," Fengjun said. There was genuine admiration in her voice. I was glad to hear it; I was starting to think Luo Hao only had servants because they were terrified of her. "She can be… that is…"

"Eccentric? A kung fu nut?"

"No! Well… She is very passionate about getting stronger."

"That's one way to put it."

"The third eldest is Madam Aisha, the Mysterious Queen of Caves," she said, completely glossing over Luo Hao. Though to be fair, I supposed I'd gotten a more than fair look at her personality. If there was one person I could call an ally in this new magical world, it was her.

"What makes this Aisha person so mysterious?"

"She possesses an Authority that allows her to travel through time. This lowly one knows not its name, but I know that it is immensely powerful. Meeting her is a fortuitous occurrence because she is always wandering about."

"I see… But then what makes her the 'Queen of Caves?''

"I… I do not know, my king. My apologies."

"No, that's fine. Just tell me what her personality is like. Does she keep any territory? Anything I can do to not pick a fight with her on accident?"

"She is the least likely to engage in battle unprovoked. She is best known for her kindness and willingness to help anyone in front of her with her mastery of the healing arts."

"Oh, so she's something like a wandering doctor?"

"I suppose that is one way to see things. She is exceedingly kind, but a Campione nonetheless. That she is the third eldest is evidence enough of her capabilities should she feel slighted."

"Point. And the fourth?"

"Black Price Alec," she said. This time, the smoke formed the image of a young man with raven black hair. He dressed like an English gentleman.

"You sound like you're not a fan."

"He is… the eldest of the 'new generation' of Campione, that is, younger than a century. He is also the least likeable in this one's unworthy opinion."

"Speak freely," I reminded her gently. "What makes him so unlikeable?"

"He is a thief. He is someone who takes anything that interests him regardless of the wishes of others. Marquis Voban is like a wolf, but he will leave you be if you are not in his way. The Black Prince is the sort of man who will leave a condescending note in place of your most valuable possession like, 'I like it so it's mine.' I do not know if there is anything in particular he is searching for, but he has an interest in all relics all the same."

"Huh…"

"His territory is Britain and he leads the Royal Arsenal just as her eminence leads the Holy Cult of the Five Mountains."

"I see. That's great information, thank you. The Royal Arsenal. Are they also as problematic as him?"

She shook her head. "Perhaps? Only if you happen to be a mortal in Western Europe. They rarely leave Britain, but they are made up of anyone and everyone who is aware of magic, from common hoodlums to grand wizards. Their competence varies wildly because of it, very much unlike the Cult. In fact, they are not the only mage association in the British Isles. The other is the Witengamot, led by the White Princess Alice."

"Is she also a Campione? Black Prince. White Princess."

"Oh, heavens no. She is however one of the two most powerful witches in the world. Her prophecies are always highly regarded, even by Campione."

"Huh, why hasn't the Black Prince just taken over the Witengamot then? He can, right?"

"She would not serve him. Though other rumors suggest they have a romantic relationship," Fengjun said with a blush.

"Stay out of Britain if I want to avoid that nonsense. Got it. Okay, who's number five?"

I recognized that picture. John Pluto Smith, or simply called Pluto by his fans, was the greatest superhero in the world. He was a very public figure who operated in the western United States. He had an ongoing "rivalry" with Homelander, though it was wholly one-sided on Homelander's part. Pluto himself didn't seem to notice the animosity at all.

Now I knew why: He literally couldn't care less.

"I know this guy," i said. "He's the biggest superhero in the states."

She nodded. "He is, but he is also the Campione who guards the entirety of the western hemisphere."

"Wait seriously?"

"Indeed. He has the most territory out of all Campione, should you wish to claim a continent."

"He won't get mad? I mean, his public persona is pretty bombastic, but he's not secretly super territorial or anything, is he?"

"Not that I am aware, my king. He works closely with the Sorcerous Sacrilege Investigation Unit, or SSIU. They act as his eyes and ears to identify magical crimes and help cover up the damage caused by heretic gods."

"Ah, I see. So who's number six?"

She next showed me the picture of a handsome man with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a laid-back smile. "This is Lord Salvatore Doni, the King of Swords."

"Well with a title like that, he's not hiding anything, is he?"

"No, no he is not. I do not believe Lord Doni is capable of deceit. He is… Well… He is an idiot."

"How so?"

"He is a wanderer much like Madam Aisha, but his only interest is in swords and swordsmanship. He is a man who abandoned all responsibilities and relationships for the sake of his sword. He disdains human contact because he feels that things like working for a living or even basic housework are boring."

"So he's irresponsible?"

"Considering his immense power, disastrously so," she said dryly. I took it as a good sign. She was clearly in her element explaining things to me. Her nervousness had vanished in favor of an almost schoolteacher-like persona.

"Okay… What's his territory so I can avoid him?"

"Europe."

"All of it?"

"Yes. He wanders often and likes to impose himself on local mage associations. He is technically the king of Italy, but his behavior makes him a headache for everyone in Europe. We are truly fortunate to have a more temperate king such as her eminence."

"I see… So does that mean I'm to be king of the US too like Pluto? Luo Hao to China. Doni to Italy. Do Campione claim whatever nation they're from as their territory?"

"Most often, though there is no set rule. If you wish to wander, you will likely be propositioned by many mage associations for your patronage, my king. There is a certain prestige associated with being of use to a Campione."

"I see, thank you, that's a ton of things to think about."

"It is my honor to serve. Did you have any further questions?"

"Actually, yeah. What exactly do mage associations do?"

She frowned lightly. "That… is a complicated question, my king. The general answer is that they hide the existence of magic or mask it in ways that are more palatable to the general populace."

"Such as superpowers."

"Indeed."

"And?"

"Beyond that, individual charters vary greatly. For instance, our Holy Cult of the Five Mountains works to preserve the sanctity of ancient martial arts, primarily Chinese, but not exclusively. We also have secretly run the CCP, though we mostly do so to ensure no one starts another Great Leap Forward or anything equally idiotic."

I took a deep breath. This girl just casually admitted that her organization, and by extension my new fiance, literally owned China. It hadn't quite sunk in just how influential a Campione could be until that moment.

"Is that kind of political influence… normal/"

She shrugged apathetically. "Our Cult is especially influential given her eminence's patronage, but yes. Many mage organizations have tight holds on local powers for a variety of reasons using a variety of methods. The exception is Italy."

"Doni's turf?"

"Indeed, my king. In Italy, there are seven mage associations that largely arose out of the fracturing of the Roman Empire. They are called the Seven Sisters and they share power in a constant game of one-upmanship. They have all tried to woo Lord Doni in the past, though only received headaches for their trouble."

"Okay. So mage associations hide magic, run the government behind the scenes, and what?"

"Most seek to preserve knowledge in some form. Some, such as the Witengamot, are more dedicated to the task than others. If you require aid for any reason, visiting the local mage association would be a good first step."

"I understand, thank you. Umm… One final question if you don't mind."

"Of course, my king. What can I help you with?"

"I would like a way to either hide my ears or somehow keep people from paying attention to them. Is there a way to do that?"

"A very large hat," Fengjun snarked. She then froze like a deer caught in the headlights as she processed what she said. She brought her hands to cover her mouth, then fell into a prostrating bow. "A thousand pardons, my king!"

I couldn't hold it. I bust out laughing. "Hahahahahahahahahaha, relax, Fengjun. I promise I'm not mad. You're allowed to joke with me."

"Even so, that was-"

"Funny. That was funny. And yeah… honestly? That was going to be my go-to answer if you or Luo Hao don't have some magic bauble I can use."

"I-I apologize, but I have no skill in enchanting."

"Pity, but that's fine. I'll just ask Luo Hao tomorrow morning. Thank you for your help tonight, Fengjun."

"It was my honor, my king. A-And… Congratulations on your engagement!" she yelped before throwing out a hasty bow and rushing out as fast as propriety allowed.

She wasn't gone long though. Not five minutes later, she entered again with a knock, a bow, and a sheepish smile. "Great king, First Disciple Yinghua had returned with your possessions."

Sure enough, she pulled along a cart that contained everything I owned from my shitty micro-apartment in Hong Kong. It was a single suitcase with seven t-shirts, seven sturdy black pants, and seven sets of underwear and socks. I wore more or less the same thing every day because I worked as a chef every day.

I held out a shirt for inspection. Yup. This was mine, all right, the unofficial uniform of the Lucky Bunny Snack Cart:

"We would be happy to provide more… appropriate… clothes befitting a Campione, your majesty," Fengjun said.

"I kinda like this though. I mean, I get that the magical world thinks I'm an immortal god-king and whatnot, but… I'm a chef first, Fengjun. I love cooking as much as Luo Hao loves kung fu.'

"Then I shall have sets of hardy clothing fashioned for you by our finest tailors, my king. W-Would you like the design preserved?"

I saw that she wasn't going to budge. From her perspective, I wasn't just another Campione, I was her Campione's fiance. Me looking like a beggar probably reflected poorly on them or something.

China. Fucking China.

Still… My kitchen, my rules… especially now that I was a Campione…

"Could you? I like the design."

She stared at me judgingly but I shrugged. Kung fu girls had no sense of humor. Finally, with pursed lips, she said, "Of course, I shall have them commissioned immediately."

With that, she withdrew for good.

X

I laid down in the large bed and patted the extra pillow. "Come on, Don Fluffles. Bedtime."

She hopped onto the pillow with the grace of a cat. Then, like a dog, she circled three times as if inspecting every inch of her new accommodations. "Hmm.. Your fiance has good taste. This is so much more pleasant than your old apartment."

"I'd argue, but you're not wrong."

"You're really marrying up in the world," she said with a fake sniffle. "I'm so proud of you."

"Soup pot."

"You know that's not really threatening anymore, right? You can't keep threatening to cook me."

"I can shave you bald."

"You wouldn't. You like my fur as much as I do."

I sighed. "Cheeky little shit."

"Abusive master."

We fell into a comfortable silence. Then I had a shower thought. Bedroom thought? No, that had different implications…

"Hey, Fluffles?"

"What's up?" she groaned sleepily.

"You knew the rabbit goddess was allergic to avocados, right?"

"How the fuck would I know? I've never had any before."

"Did you not warn her because you're my lucky charm?"

"No, fuck you. I could've been lounging in the Lunar Palace if it weren't for you."

"You did, didn't you?"

"I didn't, you abusive asshole, now let me go to bed."

"Hey, Fluffles?"

"What?"

"Thanks."

"Fuck off…"

I smiled. I'd let her have this one. Did she distract the Jade Rabbit from identifying the avocados? Did she even know? Or maybe all rabbits were absentminded.

As I was about to doze off, Fluffles nudged me. "Hey, Luca."

I turned over to meet her red eyes. It was amazing how good my vision was in low light now. "Yo."

"I want a new name."

"What's wrong with Don Fluffles?"

"A group of bunnies is called a fluffle, you dick. You named me 'Don Bunny,' she hissed. Did you think I wouldn't know?"

"I mean… Your knowledge is really spotty, you know that? Obscure English? Great. Potential lethal allergy to avocados? Not a clue."

"Shut up and rename me."

"How about Euthie?"

"Not bad…"

"It's short for Euthanasia," I said with a straight face.

I was no Luo Hao. Campione or no, I couldn't dodge vicious, fluffy ball of bloodlust and teeth. "Ow! Get off my nose!"

"Fuck you! You sleep with the fishes, bitch!"

I blinked. It didn't hurt. Don Fluffles was gnawing on my nose and… it didn't hurt. Surprising, because rabbit teeth were sharp. I sat up in be with Don Fluffles hanging from my nose by her teeth.

"Heh. Doesn't hurt."

"Fuck you," she growled.

"Wow, this whole Campione thing might not be so bad… Euthie…."

"All. My. Hate."

I slumped back in bed and brushed her fur as she gnawed impotently at my nose. "Good night, Fluffles."

"I hope there's a dream god who fucks you with a Christmas tree."

"Love you too."

I didn't sleep long. A polite, but insistent knock woke me from my slumber as bells chimed throughout the temple compound. I raised my head with bleary eyes. "What? What time is it?"

I glanced out at the paper windows to find not a hint of sunshine. A quick flip of my phone told me my answer: 4 AM. Four. Fucking. A. M.

Growling, I swung the door open to find a bright-eyed Yinghua. He was garbed in a traditional Chinese hanfu, red with a bronze eagle soaring towards a golden sun.

"Greetings, senior brother," he said with the cheery grin of a man enjoying a bout of schadenfreude. "Are you ready for a day of pursuing the martial dao together?"

"You… You are taking far too much joy in this…"

"What is there to be sad about, senior brother? You are the great master's fiance. Is it not natural to learn to defend yourself?"

"…"

"Come! Her eminence is already outside! This hour is the time she practices with different Chinese weapons."

I shook my head. I'd worked in a few professional kitchens before, if only to make some money so I could continue my journey. Procurement. Food prep. Checking one last time to ensure the night crew washed up properly. Shifts could start as early as 5 AM. I knew the drill.

Drawing upon my experience, I held out a firm hand. "No. I refuse. Nothing gets done until I've had coffee."

Somehow, his smug grin grew several molars. "You are a Campione, senior brother. You have an innate resistance to mortal poisons and what is caffeine if not a poison?"

"Life. Coffee is life."

"You are Campione."

"I have magic alchemy. What else would I use it for?"

"You… You want to use an Authority… to brew magic coffee?"

I stared at him with the conviction of a dying man. "Damn straight. Let's go."

He shrugged. "I admit. I was curious about the kind of Authority the Jade Rabbit would have bestowed. Come, senior brother. I shall take you to the kitchens."

Sighing, I looked longingly at the bed. Don Fluffles opened one eye and glared at me, daring me to drag her with me. Alas, I wasn't that cruel. Truly, I was a merciful king.

X

The temple kitchen was vast, if somewhat primitive. There was a stack of charcoal in one corner, as well as standard firewood and even an old-fashioned Chinese stove that was basically just a fire pit built into the wall.

"Huh."

"Were you expecting modern facilities?"

"I don't know what I was expecting. You do have coffee, right?"

"We do. Some of my mortal brothers and sisters indulge."

"Right."

I found it in short order. I scooped out a spoonful and looked for a coffee machine. None existed of course.

"We use a teapot," he explained. "You can boil it into a pot and then strain the grains."

I shook my head. Barbarians. "Come on, let me teach you how they make coffee in Turkey."

Lacking a press, I decided on a different method. Going outside, I filled a wok with fine sand and set it on the stove to heat.

"Heat that up faster if you can," I told Yinghua. "Stable heat, warm sand all throughout."

He raised an arched brow but obliged. His method was… to rub the exterior of the wok so fast that the metal heat up. He then stirred the sand to mix it before doing it again so the center could heat through. "Is this really necessary, senior brother?"

"Yes. Trust me. This is better. And why do you call me senior brother?"

"I am her eminence's first disciple. You are her fiance. Would you prefer 'your majesty?'"

"Nah, I'm not that formal. Just Luca's fine, honestly. Tianyu I guess if you feel better using my courtesy name."

"Then I shall, Senior Brother Tianyu."

I rolled my eyes. Kung fu idiots. All of them.

Still, I had my sand.

I then filled a small, copper cup with water and coffee grounds before gently swishing it through the sand. I smiled as the heated sand instantly foamed the water in the cup, causing the grounds to remain on the bottom but the coffee to rise to the top.

As I poured it out into a serving cup, I began to chant. "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

Raw magic filled the brown elixir of life. Its sweet aroma tickled my nose pleasantly.

"I admit, senior brother, it is satisfying seeing the coffee rise to the top."

"It tastes even better." I proffered the first mug to him and began to load another. "Go on, Yinghua. Have some. You did a lot of work cleaning up after me and Luo Hao yesterday on top of martial arts training, right? This is a small thank you."

"Then I shall gratefully accept, senior brother."

He took a sip and his eyed boggled wide as the raw mana flooded into his system. Then he chugged the rest of it down like a man stranded in the desert.

"Like it?" I asked smugly.

"W-What is this? It tastes like no coffee I've ever had."

"Divine coffee. It'll boost your yin energy, helping you focus more on meditation."

"Truly? Senior brother, thank you for your blessing," he said with a bow.

I took a sip of the same. It was thicker, a bit stronger as I'd expected Turkish style coffee to be, but there was something more to it. It was like my Authority took everything that made coffee great and made it more. There was a deep, rich flavor that somehow did not mask the subtle nuttiness. With it came a warmth that seemed to suffuse every part of my body like a warm bath, gently washing away the last dregs of drowsiness.

And that wasn't even speaking of the actual Authority. I could feel it settle inside of me, improving me. The effect wasn't lifechanging or anything, but it was noticeable. I knew that had I bothered to attend university, I would have aced every fucking course. Hell, I could probably live comfortably just selling magic drugs to Harvard students in Boston.

I had the feeling that it was a good thing I'd settled on enhancing focus. Authorities were conceptual in nature. Though there were scientific and pseudo-scientific branches of alchemy and chemistry discussing the role of energies and meridians and whatnot, in the end, coffee was a drink people drank for just that, focus. Because I'd chosen to enhance an already existing property, the effect created a sort of positive feedback loop that made the drink more effectively overall.

I prepared a third cup, this one for my dear fiance. As strange as she was, she did open up her home to me after all.

The two of us walked out into the temple training grounds. There, I saw my gorgeous fiance stand proud as she wove her hands like the conductor of some grand orchestra. All around her, dozens of ornate swords spun through the air in an elegant dance that took my breath away.

She spun through the practice area in an elaborate dance that was simultaneously entrancing yet hard to predict. But as I watched, I began to notice subtle patterns. I saw the way her toes pointed in a certain direction before shifting at the last second to take a different stance, hinting at one motion but carrying out another.

I saw her arms slash the air in delicate waves. I knew that despite appearances, she used every coiled muscle from her hips to her biceps in each swing and that those same strikes could cleave through steel like butter.

I saw how even her fingers pointed in specific ways to guide the muscles of her arms like the heads of snakes gliding through the grass.

I saw how the muscles in her inner thighs coiled and tensed with each leap and for once there was nothing sexual about my interest. The secrets of her martial arts, or at least her simplest movement techniques, were revealed before me the longer I focused.

It wasn't like I knew exactly why she chose to move the way she did, the raw experience and process of perfection were lost to me, but I could see how she moved, something I suspected martial artists would give their entire family wealth to learn.

The more I saw, the more entranced I became at the sheer, masterful control she displayed. And the more entranced I was, the better my focus became. I understood. This was a woman who truly loved kung fu with all her being, just like I loved cooking. She'd dedicated centuries of her life to the refinement of every form and I was now seeing the fruits of her labor.

"Senior brother," Yinghua said, drawing my attention. He turned to me and bowed deeply at the waist until his face was perfectly parallel with the ground. "Thank you for your blessing. This Yinghua will not forget your kindness."

I rubbed my head sheepishly. What was it with these kung fu nuts and making everything so awkward all the time? "Don't worry about it," I told him. "It was payment for something you already did."

We stayed that way, captivated by her performance, until Luo Hao slowed her dance.

"You are late, Little Eagle, little brother."

"Maybe, but I brought you coffee," I said, proffering up the bribe.

She pursed her lips but took the mug. "Little Eagle, you should already be practicing."

"Who says he wasn't? Isn't learning by watching a master natural?"

"Flattery will not avail you."

"Just drink the coffee, Luo Hao. I promise you'll understand."

"I don't see why. Coffee had no meaning to us." She brought it to her lips and took a long sip. "Mmm, I admit this is excele…"

She trailed off. Her eyes widened. I could see the moment her body processed my Authority. Then her hand became a blur and she held out an empty cup to me.

"Like it? Coffee, with an extra dose of divine focus. I could see the way every muscle in your body moved in that dance and I'm not even a martial artist. I can't even begin to imagine what Yinghua got out of watching you."

"This is… Hoh! As expected of my fiance! Even your beverages are transcendant!" she exclaimed, her bombastic personality already back in place. "You are a master of the culinary dao!"

"Thanks. Anyway, why'd you have me wake up so early?"

"You need to train."

"I'm a chef."

"And a Campione. Learning to defend yourself is not optional."

I groaned. As much as I hated to admit it, she wasn't wrong. "Okay… fine… You're right. How do we do this then?"

"One week," she said. "I demand one week of your time to learn the martial arts. Then, I shall leave you free to explore the world as you choose."

I wasn't looking forward to this. Everything I'd seen so far told me I would suffer here. But… But I couldn't deny that the world was a dangerous place. I couldn't count on superheroes to save me; I was in a league firmly beyond most of them now, as were my enemies.

Luo Hao, my beautiful fiance, she meant well. She genuinely wanted to teach me and I couldn't deny her.

Like a man signing his own death warrant, I acquiesced. "Alright… When do we start?"

The sunny, radiant smile on her face looked suspiciously like the headsman's ax.

X

Thus my personal hell began.

To be clear, Luo Hao was not a bad teacher, far from it. She was dedicated, enthusiastic, and obviously knew martial arts like no one else alive. She could spot dozens of flaws in a stance or strike with a single glance.

If anything, the trouble was that she was a genius. It was the equivalent of an astrophysicist teaching fifth grade science and wondering why they just didn't "get it" right away. She was so advanced that what seemed like basic, common sense to her was a profound mystery to everyone else. And I wasn't just saying that because I personally had no experience with kung fu. Even Yinghua, my new "junior brother" and Luo Hao's foremost disciple, was similarly baffled sometimes.

Thus, my situation: An enlightened jade beauty who genuinely wanted to help me learn, but didn't quite know how to begin. So, she decided to begin "everywhere at once," to cram as much training as possible in seven days. Which for her meant turning absolutely everything into a training exercise.

Every day, she handed me an ax made of solid metal. It wasn't made with a razor edge as I'd expect of any tool in her pavilion. Instead, it was forged with weight in mind, to be as heavy and inconvenient as possible. It looked like a woodsman's ax, but it actually weighed a good 80 pounds. On a backpack, 80 pounds was an inconvenient but manageable weight. On something meant to be swung full-force?

The first time I swung it, my shoulders popped out of their sockets.

"Gaah! Fuck!" I yelled, clutching my shoulders.

"Again, fiance!" Luo Hao said with an ever-cheerful grin. With a wave of her hand, she popped the joints back into place, extracting another muted scream from me. "You have a Campione's body and thus a body made for growth! You will grow through stress like never before! Come! Show me you have a Campione's spirit as well! Again!"

I swung. Then promptly collapsed on my ass as I allowed my body's center-mass to move with the blow. "Gah!"

"Again! We shall continue until you have chopped enough wood for the day's chores!"

X

As loathe as I was to admit it, she was right. A Campione's tolerance was unimaginably high. By the end of the session, I could chop wood with the 80 pound ax. Not easily, but the simple fact that I could wield it at all was frankly terrifying. Say what you will of Luo Hao, but her methods worked.

I felt like a xianxia protagonist as she ran me through my paces. It didn't help that there were several disciples who watched me with barely hidden glee on their faces. Someone else was going through their ordeals and the schadenfreude they experienced must have been positively delicious.

I understood. That didn't mean I didn't swear personal vengeance upon them all. Oh, sure, they bowed politely and kissed my ass, calling me "King Tianyu" or "your majesty" and whatnot, but I didn't fail to notice the slight smirks on their faces when they thought I wasn't looking, nor did I miss the hushed whispers of mockery and relief.

Rabbits were shockingly perceptive creatures. Vengeful too…

After chopping wood, Luo Hao handed me yet another hunk of metal. It was smaller this time, roughly 40 pounds.

I looked at her wearily. "What's this?"

"A washing paddle," she said triumphantly. "My dear, you are to contribute to the chores of this temple by washing and beating laundry clean by hand."

"Shouldn't I be learning forms and stances?"

"You will, but the most important thing you can do right now is to improve your physical constitution. Work you shall, my darling, and what better way than to hunt two birds with one stone?"

I resigned myself to yet more manual labor. Admittedly, after breaking my wrist a few times trying to swing 40 pounds with one hand, I got the hang of it. It did wonders for my forearm while teaching me control. Too rough and I would tear the delicate fabrics left to soak in a mountain stream. After my body adapted, I had to withhold my Campione strength a great deal.

X

After that, Luo Hao wrapped me in iron shackles.

"Eh? What's this?" I asked. The black bands wrapped around my wrists and ankles. They honestly looked kinda cool, if a little edgy.

"We are already by the river, Tianyu."

"I-I guess? I'm not sure I like where this is going."

"Swimming is a superb method of physical conditioning. Swim!" she shouted before grabbing me by the back of the neck and stripping off my shirt with a casual ease that honestly turned me on a little.

Then any lewd thoughts left me as she chucked me into the deepest part of the stream like an unwanted kitten.

I did as anything else clad in iron did and sank like a fucking stone. But… even then I could feel my body adapting. The constitution of a Campione was not to be underestimated. After a moment of panic, I forced myself into a faux calm. When my heartbeat steadied, I stretched out my senses and felt the world around me.

Water qi. I was surrounded in elemental qi, one of the fundamental forces of nature. It was an almost peaceful experience. I still felt like a drowned rat, but I could move now.

My feet reached the riverbed and I kicked off, willing myself to rise. Again and again I made my attempt, until I could output enough force to counteract the weight of the water and my shackles.

X

We had started early, before even the sunrise. When lunch neared, my sadistic fiance fished me out of the water. She stripped with zero regard for modesty and folded her clothes in a neat pile on a rock before diving in.

The vision of her flawless body took my breath away. I only remembered to breathe when water flowed into my gaping mouth, making me choke.

She grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and yanked me out of the water. "Hoh? Is something the matter, my fiance?"

I glared at her helplessly. "You know what you did."

"Hohoho, modesty is for lesser beings. I have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Point, but a bit of warning would be nice. You're not here just to give me a show, right?"

She tossed me onto the shore. I clasped my ears and wrang them out to extract some water.

"Indeed, Tianyu! It is nearing lunch and the time has come for me to teach you to wield magic!"

"Is that what this was about? Making me feel natural qi or something?"

"Perhaps," she smiled mysteriously. "Now, pay attention. Qi is everywhere. It is everything. Life and death, darkness and light, and all that exists in this world."

"Uhh… yeah, but could you put some clothes on? It's kind of distracting."

"You… Very well, what a demanding fiance I have."

"Demanding? Me? Who's been making me go through kung fu training again?"

"That is of no consequence," she said as she slipped into her robes again. "Now watch carefully. I will teach you to harness the Wu Xing, the five elements that make up this world."

To her credit, she did. She taught me how to sense for elemental qi, or mana as western organizations tended to call it. She even taught me basic techniques like using qi to strike at range.

Then she gave me an assistant, a cook pot, and told me that from this point forth, I would be responsible for making everyone in the temple food, all with zero appliances.

Fire? Rub qi until it burned.

Wood? Gather it yourself, but don't forget the weights for more training.

Water? Conjure it from the air.

Knives? Nah. Use metal qi and cut vegetables like a true master chef.

Even with the restrictions, I savored the time I had for cooking. Truthfully, the additional challenge of cooking without access to any modern implements was refreshing.

For lunch, I settled on a nice, hearty stew blessed with the Peach Blossom Alchemy. Knowing what came next, I decided to focus said blessing on bodily conditioning.

X

After lunch came balance and agility training. In this, I excelled.

Perhaps it was the Jade Rabbit's gift, but now that I was part bunny myself, the exercises came naturally to me. I was so far along in fact that Luo Hao saw me breezing through the beginner exercises and immediately put me with the advanced kids.

"Hahahahahahahaha," I cackled in delight as I watched Chien Pao, some martial family's young master, stumble across a rope hanging over a cliff.

That fucker was laughing at me and whispering behind my back. A bit of retaliatory mockery was fully justified!

That he needed a bo staff to balance himself was a mark against his skill.

"Hoh? You have time to laugh, Tianyu?" Luo Hao said, giving me a gimlet eye. She was as beautiful as always, but that look in her eye promised pain. "Come, I shall elevate your training so you can fully reap the fruits of your labor!"

That was how I found myself with her most elite disciples… running atop a field of swords…

Truly, my fiance was as sadistic as she was beautiful…

X

Then came evasion training.

To improve my core strength and prevent me from overly relying on my legs, I, along with the other senior disciples, were tied to a rocky outcrop by our feet.

We hung there, upside down, as blood rushed to our heads. Then, when I could hear the thumping of my heart in the delicate blood vessels in my ears, she clapped her hands.

"Now, disciples, take each thorny briar and throw!"

"Oh, you bitch!" I yelped as superpowered kung fu kids chucked shit at me.

I bent and twisted like a worm, doing my utmost to evade. I did a respectable job of it until a single acorn hurled my way. It twisted through the air like a rifled bullet, nailing me square on my nose.

"Gah!"

"Language, my lovely fiance! Now dodge and crawl ever higher towards the peak of the martial dao!" she laughed joyously as she joined in on our torture.

Wu Xing Affinity: Water (Trait)

Origin: Peach Blossom Alchemy/Luo Hao's Training (Torture)

Details: Luo Hao's training is sadistic and cruel, merciless and unrelenting. But it does work… technically… You somehow managed to obtain an elemental affinity towards water in less than a week of training.

Aria: NA

Effect: 1.5x Agility and Intelligence modifiers. Additional benefits towards water-related things.

X

My week of tribulation passed swiftly. I woke up before the dawn to make coffee for the entire temple. I then went through the daily chores, every task meant to both help the temple servants as well as improve my physical condition.

Sometimes it was chopping wood. Other times, it was washing clothes. One constant however was water. I had to head out of the compound to a remote, unpolluted stream with three wooden buckets, only to ferry them across the winding steps.

Thankfully, I wasn't the only one doing this. If she didn't spare me, she sure as hell didn't spare her disciples either.

With a combination of Luo Hao's (terrifying) training and my blessed cooking, we saw measurable improvements in not just myself, but in all her disciples. In my case, I learned to channel all five elements into my blows, though I seemed to have a unique affinity for water.

Luo Hao didn't seem nearly as surprised as I was. I personally considered myself more of a fire type of guy; I was a bit of a hothead in my youth.

According to Luo Hao, water was the element of intelligence and wit. It was also the element of agility, the most flexible of the five. I didn't think it was a coincidence that it was also associated with the sense of hearing either.

On hindsight, it really was perfect for me.

It wasn't as though cooking and physical conditioning was all I did either. Luo Hao took me aside to teach me some of her "basic" forms, which probably meant I'd demolish the so-called masters of the modern age. She also taught me to stray from my element, using each of the Wu Xing in my martial art. Imbuing my strikes with fire or metal wasn't easy, but it could be done with some concentrated effort.

Water would come easily to me, but I felt no reason to be a one trick pony… bunny…

By the end of the week, I'd gotten so fast that I could chop wood with a paring knife. I channeled metal qi through the blade to overwhelm the wood qi and water qi through my body to make me more flexible. Then, with a whiplike flick, I cut down onto the log, splitting it in two.

"Congratulations, senior brother, your progress is truly marvelous," Yinghua said happily. He was the one who showed me this particular exercise. It wasn't really a style per se, just a benchmark to see how far I'd come in my training.

It looked damn impressive, until I remembered that the likes of Doni could easily split entire skyscrapers with a casual flick of his wrist.

"Thanks, Yinghua. You're still not getting extra portions of dinner," I chided, seeing through his attempt at flattery.

"Hoho, is my dear disciple trying to secure additional food for himself? Gluttony is a sin," my lovely fiance said. I relished in watching Yinghua panic a little as she appeared behind him.

I decided to take pity on my junior brother. "Say, Luo Hao?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you show me what a Campione can really do? I've progressed really far, but a lot of it's because I have an Authority helping me grow as well as a Campione's natural constitution. It's not right to compare myself to normal humans, even ones who've been doing this for generations."

"Indeed, my fiance is wise. Come, and I shall show you the minimum level of mastery I deem sufficient." She led me to the edge of the temple and pointed down. "Do you see the forest below?"

I looked down. It was as beautiful as ever. "Err… yeah? What about it?"

"Behold."

She picked up a stick. A. Fucking. Stick.

Then, with a lazy flourish, downright elegant in how effortless it was, she swung.

I could see it. With my coffee of focus (TM) and lunchbox of learning (TM), I could glean some vague hint of what she was doing. She channeled metal qi through her hand and into the stick, overwhelming the wood qi inside until it was effectively a sword that vaguely looked like a twig. She then launched a strike of pure intent that cleaved through thousands of yards of forest.

With my improved perception, I could see straight through the fog that covered the mountain, all the way down to the base. There was a neat hole drilled through every… fucking… tree…

I gaped, then turned to look at my smug fiance.

"Y-You… Has anyone ever told you you're amazing?"

"Fufufu, of course! Awestruck wonder is but a natural response before my resplendent glory!" she shouted proudly, puffing her chest out like the world's most adorable peacock.

It was honestly disturbing how someone so monstrously powerful could be so damn cute.

"Well, I'm saying it anyway as your fiance. You're amazing, Luo Hao," I said honestly.

I had the unique privilege of seeing the Ruler of the Martial Realm blush. It was faint, and gone in an instant as her masterful discipline took hold, but it was there.

"L-Let us return, Tianyu. You promised you would make something special for your final night here," she coughed lightly.

"I did, didn't I?"

"What will you be cooking?"

I smirked. For all her poise, she was just as eager for my food as the others. "Who knows?" I replied. "It's a surprise."

Tonight's meal had to be special. Our relationship was unorthodox. If I was being honest, our engagement started as a joke, just something I said offhand to try to catch her on the back foot. Except… Except she took her oaths seriously.

Truthfully? What began as a joke was something I was quickly coming to cherish. We'd never been on a "date" in the typical sense, but wasn't the purpose of a date to get to know each other? I'd gotten to know plenty about the woman I was to marry.

Luo Hao was an honest and simple soul. Despite her lofty position, she never shied away from work, nor did she ever claim that she stood at the peak.

It was something I'd noticed about her. Others gave her the name "Ruler of the Martial Realm." She referred to herself by the title sometimes, but she never once claimed that there was nowhere to go for her. She never thought that she'd reached the summit.

And so, she struggled. She worked and toiled, refining her art with a single-minded dedication that was frankly awe-inspiring. There was humility in her actions, a personal conviction that she could become even greater.

I paused as I washed the rice, a ball of water swirling like a whirlpool with my qi. Thinking about all I'd seen of her this past week, I reached an epiphany of sorts:

"I… I think I might be in love…"

X

I passed off cooking for the temple to the local chefs. I'd taught them a fair bit anyway so they'd manage on their own.

No, I wanted this last meal to be between us, something special so we could have a quiet conversation.

Thinking about it, I hadn't actually made much in the way of Chinese food despite being in China. When I arrived here, I brewed some Turkish coffee using hot sand. For lunch, I made a generic stew. Sure, a lot of the things I made had traditional herbs and spices, but that was as much because of the location as any real desire to explore the cuisine.

I shook my head. That wouldn't do. What kind of fiance was I if I couldn't even feed my wife-to-be a proper meal that reminded her of home? This time, I decided to be more intentional with my cooking.

When people considered Chinese food, most in the west thought of Panda Express, or maybe their nearest Szechuan restaurant. That was fine; they could be good, but that was just a small part of Chinese cuisine.

In fact, because China was practically a subcontinent in itself, there was no such thing as a unifying "Chinese cuisine." Culinary schools in China didn't teach a "Chinese food" course. If anything, they taught with an emphasis on regional styles. "Chinese cuisine" was really eight branches, each with a unique focus on different cooking styles and ingredients.

The very first thing Luo Hao made for me was braised fish. Though we met in Hong Kong, she had cooked in the Shangdong style, best known for light, refined flavors and seafood derived from the North China Sea. It was only fair that I returned the favor, though instead of Shangdong, I decided on Guangdong cuisine.

Guangdong cuisine was also known for its seafood, though with a slightly different emphasis thanks to its proximity to the South China Sea.

The fish I settled on was simple tilapia, but the sauce more than made up for it. The flaky flesh was really a vehicle for the sauce anyway.

As I plated the fish and poured a ladle of sauce over it, I thought about all I wanted to tell her that I couldn't find the words to say. Gratitude. Affection. Emotions that words couldn't describe poured forth as I uttered the words of a now familiar aria: "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

The flavorful broth boiled and churned with divine qi before settling like a calm lake. It made the fish positively glisten and I knew that though simple, this was easily the best thing I'd ever cooked. Those who ate of it would find clarity of purpose, a divinely ordained calm like a precious spring. No amount of anger, anxiety, or fear would keep her from thinking clearly. I hoped that it would soothe her impulsiveness just a tad and remind her of me.

Next to the whole fish, I decided to serve some handmade steamed buns, each shaped into perfect, plump flowers. Inside, I stuffed them with a rich blend of fresh herbs and mountain mushrooms she'd had me and the disciples pick. We'd dried them all week and I felt the dish was a wonderful way to capture my weeklong experience in a single mouthful.

I uttered my aria again. This time, I focused on earth. It was the element of harmony and steadfastness. Those who ate of it would find their disparate skills "clicking" as it were.

It was disappointing, but that was more or less all I could do for Luo Hao. I wanted to give her the power to make mountains tremble, to overtake entire tsunamis with but a word, but I wasn't that strong myself. No matter my Authority, my own training was lacking.

This was all I could do for her, to give her the calmness and harmony to refine what she had already achieved on her own.

With a bittersweet smile, I took the food to her. "Luo Hao? Let's eat."

"You cooked just for us tonight?"

"Yeah, we never had a proper date, you know? This isn't really enough, but I figure we can share a meal together."

"So be it, Tianyu. Come, eat with me. We are both Campione and you are my husband-to-be. We should not put on airs of formality with one another." She lifted the metal cloche and smiled. "Hoh? Braised fish? It has a fragrant aroma."

"It seemed appropriate."

"Why steamed buns? They seem out of place next to the fish."

"They're stuffed with the mushrooms you made me pick all week."

She was silent as she took the first bite. Though she said nothing, the wonderfully tender smile that spread across her lips spoke volumes. She savored each bite before calmly wiping her lips.

"The very first dish I ever made, made in the Guangdong style where we met. The buns, the fruits of your labor this week. Tranquility… Harmony… I hear you, Tianyu."

"It was an honor to receive your instruction," I said honestly. "Thank you, Luo Hao. Thank you for taking me in. I will cherish this week forever."

"Of course, Tianyu. May your time here be the foundation of your reign." She raised a glass of Shanxi wine. "To your health."

I raised mine in turn. "And yours."

As the evening wore on, I realized one thing: Luo Hao did not get awkward. I wasn't sure she could even feel the emotion. She had a certain shamelessness born of pride and absolute confidence in herself. Perhaps it was because of my food, or because we'd already worked with each other for a week, but the awkwardness I attributed to first dates before was completely absent.

We talked about everything from where she'd learned to cook to why I decided to explore the world. She regaled me with tales of her most glorious victories and confided in me moments when even she feared for her life. In turn, I told her about the parents who shaped me, about how when they passed, I could do nothing but sell the house and use it to fund my travels.

If I were honest with myself, my initial start was as much about running away like a coward as it was pursuing my passion. I'd never told anyone before, but speaking with her was soothing in a way I couldn't explain.

"Tianyu," she began as we drifted from topic to topic. We'd already sat here for hours, the food long gone.

"Yes, Luo Hao?"

"Where will you go now?"

I held out the rabbit's foot I received from the Jade Rabbit. "I'm going to have to check out the Lunar Palace at some point. I received the Jade Rabbit's estate, though I'm not sure what that means."

"And what next? Surely you do not intend to spend your days on the moon?"

"I might go back to the States."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It's been a few years since I last visited my parents' graves, you know? I should at least tell them their son's engaged."

"Indeed. So be it." We polished off the last of the wine. Getting drunk was impossible, so I was a little surprised when Luo Hao looked at me with a faint blush across her cheeks. I felt immensely flattered to see it because it meant she wasn't trying to hide her emotions behind her usual bravado and discipline. "Tianyu?"

"Yes, Luo Hao?"

"There is something I wish to ask of you."

"What's up? Want me to make you something special for breakfast?"

"No, that's not it. I… I wish to spend the night with you. Will you humor your fiance one final time?"

My mind blue-screened. I had no idea what to say to that. She hadn't seemed the type to be so hasty, but then again… she had zero shame whatsoever…

I did my best to keep the anticipation out of my voice. "T-The night?"

"Yes. We are engaged are we not? Why is it so strange for us to share a bed?"

"R-Right… I'd be happy to…"

I'd never moved so fast in my life. I packed my bags and ensured Don Fluffles had everything she needed before heading to the master bedroom.

I wasn't inexperienced, a young traveler, booze, and curiosity made for a hell of a cocktail, but this was Luo Hao, objectively the most beautiful woman on earth. More importantly, we were betrothed. This meant something.

I knocked on the door.

"Enter," she called. Her room was more or less like my own, an emphasis on understated comfort and elegance rather than ostentatious luxury.

All thoughts of my surroundings vanished as I took her in. She was lying in bed, lounging in a pink hanfu that barely covered her hips.

My mouth was dry. I swallowed and tried to speak. "H-Hey, Luo Hao. You look lovely."

I immediately kicked myself. That was the best I could do?

She didn't seem to notice or care, instead smiling at me with her usual confident radiance. "Come! Join me!" she said, her arms spread wide.

I had enough presence of mind to shut the door and wished a thousand deaths on whoever would interrupt us. "How can I say no to that?"

I climbed onto the bed as she pressed her body to mine. Then, she shimmied up until my face was level with her chest, a task in itself considering her height.

I then felt her hands start to wander.

"Luo Hao?"

"Yes, beloved?"

"What are you doing?"

"You said you would humor me," she said. I could hear the beginning of an adorable pout in her voice.

"And… This is what you wanted?"

"They're very soft…"

I sighed. "I don't know what I was expecting…"

I couldn't lie; I slept like a log once I got over the fact that I wouldn't be getting my dick wet. The feeling of her hands stroking my ears was incredibly soothing. Her fingers danced along the edges and scratched at just the right spots.

On another note, I found out that I could purr. Like an actual rabbit.

Embarrassing…

The next morning, I made us a quick breakfast of some congee before finishing packing my bags. Throughout the week, Luo Hao had her staff replace almost everything I owned with better quality versions. She'd even copied my ridiculous rabbit t-shirt. As I got ready to head out, Don Fluffles hopped up onto my shoulder.

"Yo, had a good night?" she asked with a lecherous grin. I didn't know how a rabbit pulled off the look, but she did.

"Shut it, furball."

"You know what they say about rabbits."

"I think I liked you better when you couldn't talk."

"So? How many baby bunnies are there going to be nine months from now?"

"None. Now shut up," I grumbled, taking a carrot stick from my bag and shoving it in her mouth.

"Mmph! Yesh, master! Stuff me with your thick rod!"

I rolled my eyes and walked to the temple courtyard. There, I saw Luo Hao and Yinghua already waiting for me. "Morning, how are you two?"

"I am well, senior brother," Yinghua said with a knowing smirk. It would have been less annoying if I'd actually gotten some, but noooo…

"Come, beloved! Yinghua arranged for your flight to the western lands."

He handed me a ticket. "Yup. Here it is, senior brother. This is a first class ticket from Hong Kong International Airport to John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York. I've also taken the liberty of notifying the SSIU of your impending arrival."

I frowned. I didn't want to make a big deal of me being a Campione. "Thank you, but was that necessary? I don't know if I want some mage association sniffing around."

"You'll have to deal with them no matter what. Truth is, though you're native to the United States, John Pluto Smith claimed the entire continent himself first so you'll be intruding, legitimate business or not."

"Magic politics?"

"Indeed. If it makes you feel better, the SSIU representative I spoke with was all but pissing himself. He though you were going to claim territory and that you and King Pluto might clash. When he heard you were American as well, he really didn't know what to do with you."

"So I have to go reassure everyone that I'm not there to carve up territory for myself?"

"Pretty much."

"And hiding isn't possible because I'm a Campione and I set off every magical alarm like a nuclear bomb."

"Yup. And the ears."

I sighed. "What exactly does the world know about me?"

"Your appearance, the Cult had to give them that much at least. We made sure that every reputable mage association in the world has your face, name, and occupation. That way, you'll be able to avoid a lot of complications."

"True… I guess having to introduce myself would get annoying… Do we know what the SSIU want?"

"Besides reassurance that you're not going to wipe New York off the map?"

"Yes," I said dryly, "besides that."

"They will want your cooking, beloved," Luo Hao interjected. "As they should. It is something worth fighting for."

"Well then they can buy it like everyone else. And if they want my alchemy… I'm not sure what I want to do about that."

"I suggest you not sell food that will greatly enchant mortals. Power without purpose is a sure path to ruin."

"Her eminence is right, senior brother," Yinghua added with distaste. "Nothing good comes of giving some idiot superpowers. Just look at how many supervillains there are in the States."

I nodded. I remembered the origin of "supers" as the world called them. The so-called "Compound V" was manufactured by a rogue alchemist for Nazi Germany. He ultimately defected and joined the company called Vought with help from the SSIU.

Apparently, rather than try to subtly control the government and cover up mysteries like other mage associations, they decided to use the alchemical formula and pass it off as a sort of super science.

It wasn't of course.

It effectively pruned the mana inside of a person's soul, concentrating it and allowing it to express itself in the form of superpowers that could be controlled with minimal training. It was also why the powers ranged so widely; the compound adapted itself to suit the specific person. Some got heat-beam eyes. Others got speed and strength.

In exchange, supers were incapable of harnessing mana in any other way. No amount of magical training would allow them to deviate from their set powers. Hell, they were incapable of activating magic artifacts, so devoid of mana were they.

Yinghua's point was valid: giving random people powers also meant giving them the chance to indulge in their petty desires and ambitions, often to disastrous effect.

"You're right," I told him. "I think I'll be very selective with what enchantments I pass around."

"Good," Luo Hao clapped. "Let us be gone, beloved."

Before I could respond, she already had me in yet another princess carry.

"You know, I'm probably fast enough to run there on my own," I pointed out.

"Perhaps," she winked. "Perhaps I simply enjoy holding you."

I groaned but allowed myself to fall limp like a puppy in his mother's jaws. "Well, can't argue with that…"

Author's Note

No note, just an obligatory shoutout to my patrons that I forgot to do last chapter. Thanks much, I'll try not to get too drunk at the wedding. Baron_Dio, Edgar, Dan B, Trent Cannon, dark helmet9, Abdulla, KDN, Drake_Azathoth, Dull Pen, Nick Gabbard, Amon, Thobitor, Paul Becker, CrusaderElmo, Non Non, Sam Richardson, BookDragonling, Retexks, abdd, M, Jakob Lefevre, , Mateusz, Alexander Beers, mouad maataoui, Yuri Latten, SpeX, Ramon Diaz, Spencer seidel, Deteriator, Johnworm, ilovebullets, Tavernlandlord, Evelyn Antoinette, Primordi, Adam Bell, Jake Hand, John Harris, Oddfall, r3d3v3, AbyssalMage, Daniel I Beer, Coalman95, PbookR, Drake, JayK, Helios, Starfall20, Anh Duy Ly, Matthew Powell, oliman, Bookmaggot, Uriel Torres, Atoll, DeValve, jack kreutner, Savagesmiley, Apallo Berryman, Noctis117, costochondritis, Sage Berthelsen, Euth, Night Drifter, Khetsun XD, abdullah khan, Hunter Rhoades, Hector Gregorio, Chrishenk, Dang Tran, Julian Rivera, Narasan, Sean Feeney, Blyth Septimus, Paul Mouttet, victor a lopez-barron, Empty Shelf, Skrubstar, Andreyebidu, Zerak, fluffybutt, NazNar21, Rairarku, Amadi238, Big ToFu, John Dale, Kappsa, and Kraxus.