Hong Kong International Airport, abbreviated HKG, was gigantic in scale, as expected of one of the busiest airports in the world. It saw millions of passengers each year and was built entirely on a reclaimed island, giving the whole place a somewhat artificial outline. More than 65,000 employees coordinated over 100 airlines. When I arrived in China, it took me a solid two hours just to find the baggage claim.
That was when I didn't matter.
China was a society that functioned almost entirely on reputation and that was never clearer to me than in this moment. Or perhaps, China wasn't unique and it was the magical community that did so.
Yinghua ignored every security checkpoint and led me to a private airfield on the northern end of the airport. Not one person questioned my ears. Granted, supers weren't that out of the question, but that no one thought to stop me for the pet rabbit riding my shoulder was a bit strange. The guards didn't even bother to ask for an ID.
Judging by the way six of them froze and stood ramrod straight as we passed by, it was safe to say they could sense magic.
"Hello," I tried greeting them. "How's it going?"
"We are well, your majesty, your eminence," one said, stiff as a board. He and his cohorts performed a full military salute to Luo Hao. They made me think of a constipated robot if that was at all possible. "There is nothing to report but we remain ever-vigilant. Please enjoy your flight!"
We walked along as Yinghua rolled his eyes. "That was mean, senior brother."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just wanted to say hi. Is everyone in the magical world going to treat me like that?"
"Pretty much. The mage associations might be a bit less stiff about it, but there are plenty of people who know about magic and aren't mages. They get used in auxiliary roles like those guards. I guess it's the equivalent of being a janitor and having the CEO come ask you about your day."
"Huh… But I'm not a part of the Cult."
"You're a Campione. You don't understand how feared and revered Campione are. There isn't really a good way to put it to words; it's just something you're going to have to experience."
"He is correct, beloved," my lovely fiance chirped. "Greatness is a fact of our existence. We cannot hide our majesty from lesser mortals."
I sighed. I had a feeling this wouldn't be the first time something like this would happen.
The three of us walked out to the airfield, where we saw a large, private jet waiting for me.
"Woah, this is awesome," I told Yinghua honestly. "Thank you for arranging this."
"You've done plenty for the Cult, senior brother. I feel as though I'd advanced fifty years in a single week. Mortal luxuries are cheap in comparison."
"Still, thanks."
"I've also taken the liberty of loading your snack cart in the hold. In addition to the two pilots, there is a stewardess and a professional chef from father's own contacts."
"Ah… Thanks…" I said. I wasn't sure how to respond to this kind of luxury. I didn't grow up poor, but I sure as hell wasn't this kind of wealthy.
After bidding them goodbye and letting Luo Hao scritch my ears one final time, I got on the plane. It was everything I'd seen in spy movies, typically the kind where an ultra-rich CEO of some shady corporation turns out to be the big bad and he has a scene where he monologues about his plans from a private jet.
I barely heard the stewardess tell me something or other. She was pretty, but the kind of pretty that faded seamlessly into the background. After finishing her spiel and handing me a leather-backed menu, she vanished into the back of the plane.
Two minutes after I'd taken a seat, the plane started and I was on my way to New York…
X
I banged my head on Fluffles' cage. The novelty of a luxury flight had completely worn off by now. A gilded metal box was still a metal box and I was officially bored.
Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even watch a movie because that required that I sit still. Impossible, considering the week of heavy exercise and spiritual conditioning I'd just gone through. My body and soul were wired for activity.
Worse, I was a Campione. As Luo Hao told me, patience was anathema to us. It just wasn't in our nature to be passive.
Even worse, I made us all some coffee as I'd done every day for the past week. Magic, Authority-infused coffee.
"Kill… me…" I groaned.
Don Fluffles hopped out of her cage and eyed me with a gleeful grin. "What? I thought you liked this plane? Think of the sinfully soft seats. The beautiful hardwood finish. What happened to living in the lap of luxury?"
"Shut up, you."
"Hehehehe. It's rare to see you so wound up, Luca."
"Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have had that coffee…" I checked the clock. Thirteen. Fucking. Hours. To. Go. "Fuck…"
"Hehehehehehehe…"
X
"Your majesty? Can I interest you in something to eat?" I heard next to me. She'd been so forgettable that I didn't even notice her approaching.
No. I'd noticed. It was impossible for a mortal to hide her footsteps from me, not this close, but I'd tuned it out as background noise, no more important than the sound of the engine or the two copilots chatting in the cockpit.
I looked at her. She looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties. She had a pretty face that she clearly spent a lot of time on, but I found myself more interested in the golden patterns in her Tang-style shirt. After Luo Hao, and to a lesser extent Fengjun, merely pretty wasn't enough to be eye-catching anymore.
I banged my head against the table at the thought. God, I'd been a Campione for a week and I was already turning into such a fucking snob.
No. I refused. I couldn't let myself become some rich, entitled little shit. There was nothing more dangerous than buying into your own hype.
"Y-Your majesty?"
I realized I hadn't answered her. "Sorry, miss. I'm just… thinking." I glanced at the menu. Filet mignon with "thousand-layer" potatoes and asparagus... Peking duck with a mango-sesame salad… Yukhoe-style Korean beef tartare… They all sounded very fancy. I'd even made most of these before. But none of these interested me at the moment.
Then I had an idea. It was a devious idea, probably rude too, but… but I couldn't think of any other way to relieve my boredom. "Miss stewardess?"
"Yes, your majesty?"
"Who is the chef?"
"Song Huangli, your majesty. He owned a three Michelin-starred restaurant before he came into the service of the Lu family. He specializes in traditional Chinese cuisine so I recommend the Peking duck." Then she heard herself and gasped. "I-If your majesty would hear this unworthy one's thoughts. A thousand pardons!"
I sighed. "It's fine... You're doing just fine…"
"T-Then shall I have him prepare the duck?"
"No. That's fine. Get him out here, please."
"Yes, your majesty. Thank you for your benevolence," she bowed, causing me to sigh in exasperation. Everyone wanted to feel superior, until it actually happened. Then shit got old real fast.
Chef Song stumbled out of the kitchen in under a minute. He was a big fellow, wide if not tall. He wore a gray chef's outfit that had been tailored specifically for the plane.
When he saw me, he immediately fell to his knees and prostrated himself. "A thousand pardons, your majesty! Whatever it is about the menu that displeases you, I shall correct it immediately!"
"Fuck… Help me, Fluffles…" I groaned into the table.
"Hehehehe, I'm going to get sick of random mortals bowing to you one day, but today isn't that day," she giggled, completely uncaring of my plight.
"I thought we were partners."
"You're my food dispenser."
"Bitch."
"Ass."
"Shitty mascot."
"That's right. You can be your own fucking mascot now," she shot back primly.
"Guess you can go in the pot then. Remind me," I grouched. I then turned back to the chef, who I realized just saw me hold a one-sided argument… with my rabbit… Probably not doing a whole lot to convince him I wasn't insane. "Ugh, get up, Chef Song."
"Y-Yes, your majesty. At once."
I stood and pointed to my chair. "Sit there."
"Yes, your majesty."
"Good. Now… do nothing for a while. Take a nap. Watch a movie. I don't care. Actually? Get Miss stewardess here too and just… hang out or something."
"Y-Your majesty?"
"Nope. Don't wanna hear it. I'm a chef, damnit. I'm going to cook."
"I can make anything you require, sire."
"I'm sure you can, but this is how I amuse myself so deal with it. Sit down. Shut up. Stay out of my kitchen."
"But…"
"Nope. My kitchen now." I allowed the slightest tinge of my qi to overflow. "Right?"
"Of course, your majesty," he said, utterly defeated. "Whatever you say…"
X
Having bullied my way into the airplane kitchen, I looked around and felt my creative spirit die a little inside. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from an airplane, but it was remarkably cramped. There was also no stove to comply with international flight safety regulations.
No, the only thing they had to "cook" with was a specialized convection oven that heated food using hot air, not microwaves.
I looked at it in disappointment. "I could… probably scramble a few eggs in this…"
I heard Don Fluffles bounce in after me, the stewardess too terrified of me to even think about stopping her. "Didn't you cook without appliances on Mount Lu?"
"I did…"
"So what's the problem?"
"Practically all the food comes pre-cooked. Just about the only thing that doesn't is the tea and rice. I'm pretty sure the rice is just because the owner of the plane is picky or something. There's no reason they can't reheat rice like everything else otherwise."
"So you'd just overcook everything if you tried to adjust the dishes?"
"Pretty much…"
"So, what's for lunch then?"
I studied what I had to work with. "I guess rice balls. I suppose it doesn't really matter what I make so long as I participate in enough of the creation process that I can infuse it with my Authority. Ugh, why bother recruiting a world-class chef if this is all he's got to work with? You can replace the guy with any other attendant!"
"Because it sounds nice? I don't know how you humans think. You have your heads so far up your asses it's a wonder how you walk."
"Fuck… I was really looking forward to cooking something…"
I bitched and moaned but got to work in the end. This was about killing time anyway. I washed as much rice as I could and set it to boil in the convection oven. I then began to dice some of the pre-cooked filet mignon steaks and duck breasts before tossing them into a large mixing bowl.
In followed some chili oil, sesame oil, yuzu sauce, and honey, making for a sweet and tangy sauce with a bit of kick. I tossed the meat inside before adding some diced vegetables.
After about 35 minutes, I had perfectly fluffy rice, adjusted of course to the lower boiling point of water.
I seasoned the rice with a dose of mild vinegar and sesame oil to get it to better mold in my hand and chanted my customary aria over the food. "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"
I felt my magic, qi to my fiance, bubble and stir. All week long, I'd focused on improving martial and spiritual development grained from Luo Hao's monstrous training regimen. There were dozens of disciples in the Cult that were now comparable to a so-called great knight of any other mage association.
Now? Now I turned that Authority to medical purposes. I focused on yang qi, the qi of life and vitality, with the intention of healing any and every injury. When I finished, I knew that should anyone eat a serving of these rice balls, any sort of mortal ailment or injury would be healed.
I spent the next two hours carefully stuffing and molding every rice ball until they were that perfect size and shape.
Rice Ball of Vitality (Yang) x44: Anyone who eats one will be returned to the peak of their health, curing all injuries and ailments unless otherwise opposed by another Authority.
Even after I set aside five for myself and the four staff on the plane, I had a nice, 44 rice balls left over. I packed them up lovingly in some Tupperware I found. I'd be taking these with me.
I now had ten hours of nothing to do. I looked around the kitchen. I'd… I'd gone through all the food. I had a bit of yukhoe I'd been snacking on while I waited for the rice to cook, but the beef and duck were all gone. Given only five people flew on this thing and the general lack of a kitchen, it wasn't like the fridge was stocked or anything.
"Now… What to do…?"
"You can go to sleep like a normal person, you idiot," my bunny companion snarked.
"I can't. I'm not tired."
"Then make yourself something to knock you out."
"I can't… Can I…? Oh… Oh, I'm so fucking stupid…"
"Can I get that on record?"
I dug around in the fridge and pulled out one of the salads the chef prepared. "Here. Knock yourself out, Fluffles."
While she had her fun, I grabbed a large kettle and filled it with water before heating it with a bit of fire qi. I still wasn't good enough to use fire qi in a fight, not against opponents of Yinghua's caliber and certainly not against heretic gods, but for basic displays like this? I had it down.
Now that I looked back, an awful lot of my training was tied to being a homemaker… Was Luo Hao trying to tell me something?
I shook my head. Didn't matter. I worked and worked, reciting my aria after every kettle of perfectly steeped tea. I was using yin qi to turn regular jasmine tea into the greatest knockout drug in existence, so potent that it could work on even a Campione such as myself.
Why wouldn't I carry more of this?
I steeped tea long and slow until I had several liters of perfect, full-bodied jasmine tea. I dumped the tea into several bottles I found on board and poured myself a cup.
Walking out, I took a seat in front of Chef Song. "Don't touch the rice balls in the Tupperware. Don't drink my tea. There's a rice ball left over for you, Miss stewardess, and the two pilots. Oh, and don't wake me."
Having said my piece, I threw back the cup and conked out for the rest of the flight.
Jasmine Tea of Slumber (Yin) x44: Anyone who drinks this cup will fall asleep for 8 hours unless they are being forcibly kept awake by another Authority.
X
9 AM. I arrived at the John F. Kennedy International Airport. At. Nine. Fucking. AM. Hong Kong was ahead thirteen hours. The flight took fifteen hours. Split the difference and it was like I'd stepped back in time 23 hours
I could hear the copilots stifle yawns as jetlag caught up to them. Luckily, I was a Campione and made of sterner stuff.
I thanked them for their work, got my bags, and exited the aircraft.
There, I saw a black Mercedes parked far enough away from the plane to not catch debris but close enough for convenience. It was the woman who waited next to the car who drew my eye though.
She had raven-black hair, blue eyes, and wore an impeccably tailored suit. She seemed to be a few years older than me, but her face had an indescribably ageless quality about it.
She walked up to me with a confident smile. "Hello, sir. You must be the Seventh Campione. My name is Fortuna Hebert and I work as a field agent for the Sorcerous Sacrilege Investigations Unit. Pending your approval, I have been reassigned to be your special liaison and executive assistant."
"I… Hello…?" I said, cautiously shaking her hand. I was a professional bum. I had no idea how to deal with what looked like the model for corporate wage slaves everywhere any more than I could deal with Yinghua's subordinates groveling all the time.
"I was told that you received a courtesy name in China. Do you prefer I address you as Tianyu or Luca?"
I shrugged. If there was one thing traveling the world taught me, it was how to roll with the punches. In the end, I was the Campione. She and the SSIU were subservient to me, not the other way around, even if talking to her made me feel like I was failing some job interview I didn't know about.
"I'd be happy to have you as my assistant, Fortuna. Normally, I wouldn't mind what you call me, but considering even my fiance calls me by my courtesy name, let's not have you imply any familiarity that she herself doesn't."
"F-Fiance? So you and her eminence are really…"
"Ah, yeah. We're engaged. I don't know if Luo Hao's the jealous type, but I don't think you want to find out."
"I do not. Tianyu it is, sir."
"Good, did you wait here just for me?"
"Of course, sir. As your assistant, it is my duty to make your life more convenient. I can drive you anywhere you please, sir. If you need a hotel, there are several SSIU properties that can be quickly arranged for your stay."
I shook my head. "Thank you, Fortuna. I appreciate the thought, but I'm only here in New York for a few days. I'm here to visit my parents' graves you see. I also have enough money to handle my own affairs for the moment."
"Oh, I see. My condolences, sir. Is there anything I can help you with then?"
"My snack cart is in the plane still. Can you have that unloaded and brought to me? I'm thinking I'll visit the cemetery then start working. I can't get too rusty, you know?"
"Of course not… Snack cart…?"
"Yinghua said you got a dossier on me. Didn't it include what I do for a living?"
She smiled sheepishly at me. "I thought it might have been a jest."
"Nope. I'm a wandering chef. Have been for a few years now."
"I see. In that case, please send me a shopping list of any ingredients you require. I'll be sure to have them brought to you along with the appropriate busking license."
I nodded. She was adaptable if nothing else. I held out my phone for her to input her number. "Thanks, that'd be a big help. Say, you wouldn't know where I could go to grab a nice bottle of whiskey, would you? And maybe some flowers? Pour one out for my old man, you know?"
"I can help with that, sir. I'll drive you to a flower shop and liquor store then the cemetery."
X
Fortuna drove me to the Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx. She then tactfully found something else to occupy her time.
I meandered between the headstones, feeling like there ought to be something familiar about this place. Truth was though, I didn't recognize much of anything here. When mom and dad died, I shut down. I closed myself off and did my best to just trudge through it all. The wake. The funeral. Everything was a blur to me.
I read the year of death on each headstone, moving closer and closer to the modern age. Even despite the melancholy in my heart, there was something serene about wandering the cemetery. I allowed each step to bring me closer to my memories.
The family headstone looked remarkably plain compared to others around it. It was a simple stone of gray marble with the family name engraved into it. below it, almost too small to make out, was their time of death.
Earl and Tara Bailey, 1965 - 2012
I sighed and took a seat across from the stone. "Hey, mom. Hey, dad… Been a while, huh?"
I laid the bouquet down before the stone and sat in silence, not that there was anyone else to speak. Even the chaotic noise of the city faded to the void as I allowed my mind to reminisce. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to remember their faces, the way they smiled and laughed, the way mom would scold me for something or other. Luo Hao was right; this was a long time coming.
"You won't believe what happened. I had to leave. After you died, I… I just couldn't stay anymore. I sold the house. I know you said it was in the family since great granddad, but… but I couldn't… I had to get out. I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry I couldn't visit. No, I'm sorry I wouldn't visit."
I uncorked the bottle of whiskey. Irish single-malt for the family or something. I poured out half the bottle onto the grass. I had no idea if that was allowed or not, but… Fuck it, being a Campione had to be good for something…
"A whole lot's happened in two years. I headed out west to Chicago. Worked at a pizza place for a month. Headed down south… picked up some Tex-Mex cuisine. I did a lot of traveling. I guess I did a whole lot of running too…"
I took a swig of the botte and savored the burn. I told them everything. I wasn't sure how I'd begin going into this, but once I got started, I found myself vomiting words with barely any direction. I talked about my travels, from Texas to South America to Europe and eastward. I talked about all the crazy bastards I met, the fascinating recipes I learned, about that time I thought I'd found a girlfriend in Mexico only to not work out.
"I… I killed a god… I know, crazy, right? I became… I guess… some kind of magic bunny? I still have no idea, but I got a fiance. That's gotta count for something, right, mom? She's great. Her name is Luo Hao and she's basically a kung fu princess straight out of one of those movies.
"Actually, that kinda makes her sound like a lunatic… but… I guess she kinda is? I don't know. I like her though. I think you'd have liked her too. She's cheerful, bombastic, hardworking, and stronger than me. You always said I'd need a girl who could kick my ass. Well, she broke my arm by slapping me with a dish towel before so… mission accomplished, I guess…"
I trailed off, not having much else to say. reaching for the bottle, I frowned at how much lighter it was.
"Right… Campione…"
I stood with a much lighter heart than when I sat down. It felt freeing, getting all that off my chest. I wasn't sure about any afterlife considering all the gods were apparently real… somehow… Still, whether they were listening or not, there was tranquility in this.
X
It was nearing 3 PM when I got out. I took a cab and met Fortuna at the northern end of Central Park. It was the boundary between Harlem and Central Park and a good place to start busking.
Fortuna had gotten everything ready for me. She stood next to my cart, looking completely out of place next to my kitchen of choice.
To be fair, I barely recognized my cart anymore. The Lucky Bunny's Snack Cart had clearly seen an upgrade courtesy of Yinghua. It kept the Hong Kong aesthetic but everything about it had been modernized.
"Sorry, Fortuna, that took a lot longer than I expected. I guess I had some things to get off my chest. Did I keep you waiting?"
She shook her head politely. "No trouble at all, sir. I am your assistant. Waiting on you is my entire job description."
"Still, thank you for taking care of all the shopping. Were you able to find everything?"
"Yes, sir. Your cart is fully stocked for the evening rush."
I smiled gratefully. Was this what it was like to have competent help? Yinghua always helped me out on Mount Lu but before that, I was on my own. I looked over the storage and found everything I needed. Interestingly enough, I also found everything precisely where I myself would like them to be. There was even a separate cooler full of popular sodas.
"Excellent, well done, Fortuna. Now, one more thing. Did you get the bunny suit?"
She glared at me as though I'd insulted her family. I initially asked her to get one to see how far I could push her. I figured that she would tell me no, Campione or not. It didn't escape my notice that unlike the Cult members, Fortuna called me "sir," not "your majesty." Respect, but there was an underlying implication that there was a limit to her hospitaility.
"You know I was joking, right?"
"I do," she nodded, "but I was told by my superiors to acquiesce to all of your orders unless they are countermanded by John Pluto Smith. One moment, please."
Saying so, she marched off to her car and picked up a cardboard box before heading to the bathroom.
"She didn't actually get a bunny suit… right?" I asked myself. The Lucky Bunny Snack Cart was a family-friendly business, damn it! I sighed. I'd just make her change when she shows up again.
So decided, I got to work preparing the food. If there was one thing I took pride in, it was my breadth of culinary knowledge. In just a few years, I'd traveled a dozen countries on several continents, all to try the best local cuisines. Now that I was back in the States, it was only fair that I'd marry the east and the west.
"I'm thinking… burger, with a bit of Korean influence… It'd have to be a smash burger so it can cook quickly on the flattop… Onions and garlic directly into the mince so it can caramelize a bit… Bulgogi sauce? Bulgogi sauce. Let's see, that's… gochujang, honey, garlic, ginger, soy sauce… Some slaw? Yeah, that sounds good. Fries too."
"That sounds excellent, sir," came Fortuna's voice behind me. She sounded quite muffled though.
"Fortuna, I was seriously kidding you don't have to-" I turned around, then immediately bust a gut laughing. "Hahahahahahaha!"
"Is this satisfactory, sir?" she asked, a hit of mocking sarcasm in her tone. She wore a bunnysuit, one you'd find in a high school basketball game as the team mascot.
"Perfect. You're perfect."
"Thank you, sir. I aim to please."
"Care to be my assistant?"
"Of course, sir…"
I had her take off the gloves and roll up her sleeves to mix the bulgogi sauce together while I made the quarter-pound patties. The rolls had to be potato, all the better to stand up to the stronger sauce, and the fries had to be pre-cut and fried. And of course, the slaw had to be diced thin and marinated for at least twenty minutes. Like with any other kitchen, timing was everything.
It was hard work, but two hours later, we had plenty of food already ready to hit the grill. I tossed two on the flattop and prepared a side order of fries.
While they were cooking, I had Fortuna jot down the menu as I dictated the price. "$8 per burger. $10 per double. $4 for fries. $6 for loaded fries. $13 for the combo. $2 extra for double or loaded fries to the combo. Got it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good, now get over here and have the first one."
"Sir?"
"You helped, so first off the grill is yours, perks of the job." I loaded up a plate and handed her a full double cheeseburger combo. "Come on, get that ridiculous mask off your head and eat up."
"Thank you, sir," she said warmly. She took a bite and froze. "It's… It's delicious…"
"Glad you like it, Fortuna."
After mixing up a quick salad for Don Fluffles, I served one up for myself and ate an early dinner alongside my new assistant.
Fortuna polished off her burger and fries in only a few minutes. She stared down at her empty plate as though surprised at how quickly it had disappeared. "Would it be possible for me to take two home? For my dad and my little sister."
"I don't see why not. I'll set aside a few patties. Remind me at the end of the shift, okay?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good, now put the mask back on and tell people you love my cooking."
"Of course. Do we have a store motto?"
I gestured to Don Fluffles. "Eat here or the bunny in the cage goes on the grill. Catchy, right?"
"Sir… Exactly how is this the 'Lucky Bunny' cart again?"
"I've been telling people that every day since I got Don Fluffles," I chirped brightly. "She's still around so she's super lucky. Right?"
"I… I don't think that's a good way to attract customers."
"Nonsense, Fortuna. Emotional blackmail is a perfectly valid way to get people to buy my food! After that, my cooking will keep bringing them back!"
"I… Very well, sir…"
X
Our good mood didn't last. Oh, we got plenty of customers, that was never in doubt. Between my cooking, Don Fluffles' unwilling assistance, and Fortuna's surprisingly charming act, there was no way we would fail a busking venture.
It also helped that I was a very clear "super" out serving burgers instead of being a hero. I got that question pretty much every other customer and "I like cooking more" was becoming a robotic response.
We were about an hour into the rush when the sound of gunshots rang through the street. I froze.
"Hey, what's the holdup?" one of the customers complained.
I held out a finger. It was a sharp series of cracks, but perhaps the sound of the city masked the noise. "One second, sir. Did you hear that?"
"I don't know what you're-"
*Crack*
There it was again. This time, he heard it too judging by the way he froze. I ushered Fortuna back.
"Sir?" she asked. It was weird hearing such a serious voice from someone wearing a yellow bunny outfit.
I leaned in to whisper. "Gunfire. Close enough for normal humans to hear."
"Under these conditions? Four. Six blocks away at the farthest. What would you like to do?"
"Aren't there any protocols for how the SSIU handles things like this?"
"No. We don't involve ourselves at all unless there is some reason to believe the crime is magical. I can find out what's happening."
I waved her off and returned to serving burgers. "Go do that."
Two minutes later, she came back. "I talked to a diviner we have on retainer. Shootout on 111th and Frederick Douglas Ave. Two blocks away. Some thugs tried to rob an ATM but a cop found them. They decided to fight. What would you like to do?"
I closed my eyes and opened my ears. I was a fucking bunny. That had to be good for something, right? As my focus shifted, I could feel the world expand around me. I could hear everything, from the scraping of Fortuna's flats on the pavement to the rustle of a man's jeans as he walked. The tires of cars driving by, the wingbeats of pigeons taking flight with their scraps.
Everything.
But I couldn't tell the usual hustle and bustle of the city apart from the shootout happening. There was gunfire and lots of shouting, but I couldn't tell if it was getting worse or better. The most I could discern was that it wasn't coming any closer.
"Sir?"
"Nothing. We do nothing. If they start a car chase near me, I'll get involved. Otherwise, I'm fine where I am. I'm a chef, not a hero."
She nodded. "As you wish."
She put on her chipper facade like a jacket and skipped to a group of teenagers to hand out some sampler loaded fries. It was frankly almost disturbing just how good she was at putting on the cheery salesgirl act.
I wondered if she had a superpower of her own that helped her out. Or maybe a spell? The SSIU dealt with magical crimes so it stood to reason that my new assistant wasn't helpless.
'Hmm… I could probably make her as strong as Homelander or something…' I thought as I watched her work.
Ten minutes later, I prepped a combo plate and handed it off to some college girl on her way home. I kept an attentive ear on the shootout. At the very least, gunshots weren't going off anymore. I heard something about a hero so it probably got resolved in favor of law enforcement.
I was about to turn back to my food when I heard someone else approaching. Every step brought him closer and provided more and more detail for my sensitive ears.
He had heavier footsteps, as if his body was denser than a normal person's. Not enough to be noticeable to anyone else, but definitely for me.
People who walked with that kind of weight tended to breathe deeply because their bodies tried to subconsciously account for their weight. It was the basics of qigong that Luo Hao taught me.
This man was different. He breathed easily and evenly, though with the slight gasp of someone who'd just gone through some exercise.
"Hey, you guys still open?" I looked to find The Deep, one of the so-called Seven, the greatest heroes in the nation, according to Vought.
He was a handsome, well-built man who dressed in a suit of sea-green scales. He walked with the kind of confidence I was beginning to associate with powers.
I wondered though. A year ago, I would have been more amazed to have met the man, perhaps even a little starstruck. Now, though? Now that I knew just how Vought made its heroes and where they stood compared to the real threats in the world?
All I could think was, "Yinghua is stronger than him."
Still, I offered him a friendly smile. He was a hero. He probably just helped the cops with their little shootout. He was trying to make a difference with what power he had and I had to respect that. "Of course, Deep, right? What can I get you?"
"The Deep, actually. Are those bunny ears real?"
I waggled them side to side a bit. "Yup. Not exactly the most heroic-looking, but they're mine. That was you two blocks away with the shootout, right?"
"You heard that? Yeah, that was me."
"Cool. What would you like?"
"I'm pretty hungry. Let me get a double, loaded fries, and a drink."
I nodded. "That'll be $17 for the double loaded combo."
"What? No hero's discount?"
"Sorry, mate. Bunnies gotta eat too. I can promise the food's worth it though," I said, flashing him a smile.
He grumbled a bit but ultimately fished out his wallet. Heh… fished…
"Thank you for your patronage~" I sang as I handed him his food.
He took a bite and groaned. It was a noise of pure satisfaction, almost orgasmic in its bliss. It was honestly kind of gross to listen to. "God, that's almost as good as Tim."
"Who's Tim? Is he a chef? He must be pretty great."
"Huh? Oh, shit.. Yeah, chef. He makes a mean burger. Great sauce."
I heard his heartbeat rise. He was lying; I was 90% sure, but I didn't call him on it. Whoever Tim was, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. "Nice. Glad you like the burger, The Deep."
He waved me off and started to jog off. I watched him leave, feeling somewhat disappointed. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but for one of The Seven, he was a bit of a letdown.
I glanced at Fortuna as we wrapped up. She took off the rabbit head and shook her hair out. I couldn't help but think she looked good with a bit of sweat. She wasn't Luo Hao-pretty, but she held herself with a confidence I admired.
"You can leave the cart here, sir," she said. "I've filed the appropriate papers with the city. You can just show up in the morning and start cooking."
I nodded and started frying up the last two burgers for the night. One for her dad, one for her kid sister. I then counted out half the daily profit before handing it to her. "Thanks, Fortuna. Here, for all the work you did."
"I-There's no need, sir. I assure you the SSIU pays me plenty."
"I want you to have this. It's not like I need much money anyway. Really. Go buy your little sister something nice."
"I… Thank you… Would you like me to arrange a hotel for you, sir?"
"No, that's fine. I've got a place lined up," I told her. I wasn't entirely sure what a Lunar Palace entailed, but it was the home of a goddess. Surely it could host myself, right? I also had a credit card attached to the Cult through the Lu family so it wasn't like I was hurting for money anyway.
Fortuna nodded and didn't question it. "As you wish, sir. Good night."
"Good night, Fortuna. Thanks again for your help today."
After bidding her goodbye for the evening, I locked down my cart, placed Don Fluffles on my shoulder, and headed further into Central Park. As the sun set, the park would become increasingly deserted. If I really wanted, I could probably shack up beneath a tree somewhere for the night.
That wasn't what I had in mind though. I dug in my pocket and smiled as the key jumped into my hand. It felt a little strange how the damn thing could sense my intent to use it, but it was what it was. I wasn't going to question some divine hijinks.
I pulled it out and dangled it in the air. It looked like any other rabbit's foot ornament some superstitious cat lady might have attached to her cellphone.
And yet, despite appearances, it positively hummed with magic to my senses. As the remnant left behind by a heretic god, it was a true-blue dragon bone. Even better because it was left behind willingly when the Jade Rabbit bequeathed her entire estate to me.
I felt Don Fluffles shudder on my shoulder. "Eugh, that thing's creepy as fuck, you know that?"
"How so?"
"The Jade Rabbit left behind a rabbit's foot. Imagine that you walk into a car dealership. You find a car you like. The salesman smiles and says it's a wonderful choice and goes off to get the key. He returns with a severed fucking hand!"
I snorted. "Okay, in that light, maybe it's a bit macabre. I guess she was into some freaky shit. Now… How do I use this thing?"
"How should I know? Watch, it's going to be the magic equivalent of a thumbprint scanner."
"You think so?"
"Eh, us bunnies can be fucking vicious. Wouldn't be surprised. Try channeling some qi into it."
"Sure, why not?"
I dumped some of my qi into the foot and yelped as it leapt from my hand. It sank into the dirt and from it sprouted a portal that looked like it came straight out of Stargate.
Don Fluffles leapt from my shoulder. "Come on! Let's check it out!"
"How are you somehow more excited about this than I am?"
"Easy, the Jade Rabbit's a rabbit goddess. I'm a rabbit. Do the math, dumbfuck. On second thought, do the math later because I don't have time for you to learn to count. Come on!"
I laughed. Her excitement was contagious. Truth be told, I was more than a little curious as well. "Alright, fine, fine."
X
"Well… I guess… This is a thing…" I groaned.
"You're kidding me…"
"I mean, she is a rabbit…"
"But… But… My goddess does not live in a fucking rabbit hutch!" Fluffles yelled.
I scooped her up in my arms and ran my fingers down her fur, just the way she liked it. "Come on, let's go rent a room in New York…"
I turned around to head back, but instead found a sign that hadn't been there a second ago staring me in the face:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking avocados. I hope you are forced to listen to every chubby, wrinkly neighbor masturbate for the rest of your life. Enjoy the bunny's gift. Aren't I a magnanimous goddess?
-Jade Rabbit I
My eyebrow twitched. Before I could blow up though, I saw it. The real Lunar Palace. It was a gorgeous temple filled with a tranquil ambiance. The front yard had been consumed entirely by a magical fountain. The land seemed to stretch on for miles.
"Your goddess is a bitch," I told Fluffles.
"Hey, she's the goddess of charity and alchemy, not gracious defeat. Besides, it was kinda funny."
"Fine. It was funny. Now let's see what this place is all about…"
Passing the fountain, I stepped through yet another circular gate that had no doors, common to Chinese architecture oddly enough, and marveled as the world expanded around me.
The Lunar Palace was a miracle of ancient architecture. Or, it would be if I thought mortal architecture was ever a consideration in its creation. In truth, the "palace" was more like a compound in the same way China's Forbidden City was more than just a place for royals to live.
All told, there were twenty-eight separate buildings, each located on a mountain of its own. They were palatial mansions and overlooked a large garden full of fruit trees and who knew what else.
"Woah…"
"Yes! Now this is what I'm talking about!" Fluffles shouted.
"Gotta admit, sure as hell beats a hotel room," I whistled as we walked along a paved pathway towards the first mansion. "Why so many of these though?"
"You don't know anything do you? They're the twenty-eight mansions that represent the phases of the moon. They're divided into seven mansions per cardinal beast: seven for each of the dragon, turtle, tiger, and pheasant. That's why they're arranged in groups of seven, dingus."
I flicked her on the nose. "Alright, sorry an American chef doesn't know anything about Chinese astrology. How dare I not know how the lunar calendar is divided?"
"You should know. You're the new Jade Rabbit."
"I'm not though?"
She sighed exasperatedly. "The sign said, 'Jade Rabbit I,' as in the first. You're obviously the second in that case. Remember, she gave you her entire estate, which includes titles."
"Oh… Well… Yay…? I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do with all this."
"Eh, we have it. We can figure it out later."
"Yeah, you're right. So what's the first palace represent?"
"The azure dragon's horn."
"Which means?"
"…"
"Ha! You don't know either, do you?"
"Shut up! Even I can't know everything!"
"Hahahaha…"
X
As it turned out, "figure it out later" really just meant "as soon as you get to the first mansion."
I couldn't even gawk at the luxurious decor because there were two women kneeling in the foyer. I immediately sank into a combat stance.
One was annoyingly familiar. Somehow, the annoying rabbit was back. Luo Hao told me it took heretic gods many years to regain their power, but apparently, that didn't matter.
No, that wasn't quite right. She was greatly diminished; I could feel her magic. She felt like a shell, a fleshy body that lacked the spiritual weight of a goddess. That made me feel better.
The second woman was far more concerning, if only because of the monstrous amount of magic coursing through her. The very air vibrated with her qi. It felt at home here, one with this plane of existence. By that, I took her to be another moon goddess.
Like the Jade Rabbit, she was an achingly beautiful woman, though she had raven-black hair and jade-green eyes. Her hair was done up in an elegant loop over her head and was framed by an ornate, gold tiara. She was dressed more modestly than her cohort but still left her robes open enough to show plenty of cleavage.
Chinese dress. Inside the twenty-eight mansions. Magic that resonated with the moon in ways I couldn't fully grasp. I had a sneaking suspicion that I knew who this was. China named its very first spacecraft after her.
"Chang'e?" I ventured.
She bowed her head briefly. "Greetings, seventh son of Pandora. I am, as you say, Chang'e, goddess of the moon. May we speak?"
I swallowed thickly. "I have a feeling I don't really have a choice…"
"Of course you have a choice," she said with a smile. It was polite. It was courteous. It was the smile I'd seen mom give dad that promised a month's worth of headaches.
"Fine… Let's go somewhere we can talk. There's got to be a conference room or something in this place, right?"
"Right you are," Chang'e said happily. She jumped up and wandered inside like she owned the place, which… in hindsight, she probably did.
I thought I owned it now, but… maybe not? If anyone had a better claim to the mansions than the Jade Rabbit, it had to be Chang'e herself, right?
Feeling nervous, I followed the two gods inside.
I had no idea what to do in a situation like this, so I defaulted to what I knew. "So… Can I offer you ladies a drink? Food? I have some jasmine tea and rice balls stuffed with steak and duck breast…" I thought about the alchemical enchantments I put in the tea. "Actually… Probably not a good idea. How about I brew a fresh pot?"
"That won't be necessary. I've had a long time to master the art of brewing splendid tea, you know."
So saying, Chang'e led the three of us into a small room that overlooked a gorgeous garden and pond. On the table was a traditional tea set that wouldn't be out of place in a high-end teahouse in Beijing.
"Please, sit," she said with a polite gesture. She waited for me to take a seat before sitting down across from me, the Jade Rabbit seated to her right and Don Fluffles on my lap.
I was captivated by the way my host prepared the tea. Every movement was flawless. There was an ethereal grace that a normal woman couldn't possibly hope to match. From the way she cradled the teapot to the temperature of the tea, everything was perfect.
She set a porcelain cup before each of us. "Thank you for agreeing to speak with us, Seventh King."
"Uhh… Tianyu is fine…"
"Oh? You use the courtesy name my friend gave you?"
"I mean… Yes? It felt right somehow. You get a courtesy name for accomplishing something, right? Ascending to Campione sounds like it'd qualify, even if the bunny offed herself via allergy."
Said bunny in question flumed. "You didn't tell me it had avocados in it!"
"You said you could eat meat! I thought that meant you could have anything a human can eat too!"
"Well I can't! I'm allergic, alright? I've always been allergic! Are you happy, you murderer? King of Poisons!"
"Oi! That's not fair! It's your job to inform people about your own damn allergies!"
"Pffttt. Oh! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! She was serious? I-I'd never- How did- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Chang'e bust a gut laughing, then promptly lost control and fell off her chair.
"It's not funny!" my predecessor pouted. "Stop laughing!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry, it's just so- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Don Fluffles and I sat there, waiting for the moon goddess to get it out of her system. I sipped at the tea. I couldn't place the brew, but it really was delicious.
The Jade Rabbit glowered at me. "I hope you're happy. She hasn't stopped laughing at me all week. Do you have any idea how much shit I'm in? I'm the biggest laughingstock in the Thirty-Six Heavens right now!"
I shrugged helplessly. "What do you want me to do about it? I can't un-kill you. Would you like me to tell people we had a glorious battle?"
"No! That's even worse! I dueled Sun Wukong for a full month straight so I could murder that bitch Su'e! Duel you? As a mortal? Why the hell would I lose that?"
"Well I guess I can't help you then. I'll plant an avocado tree in your honor or something."
Finally, the resident moon goddess stopped laughing. She coughed awkwardly. "Oh, by the Emperor, I needed that. My apologies for that unsightly display."
"Right… I'm always down for making fun of pet rabbits-"
"She's not my owner!" the Jade Rabbit yelled.
"Sure. Anyway, what is this about?"
Chang'e's smile became a little more fragile. "This is about her estate. Or rather, your estate now. Do you remember what she said?"
"Umm… kinda? She gave me her estate. Which I guess makes me the second Jade Rabbit."
"Indeed. And with it comes ownership of the twenty-eight mansions."
"Wait, so all this is mine? I thought it was yours?"
"Not… Not exactly… I am something of a tenant here…"
"How?"
The Jade Rabbit puffed out her chest. "I'm older! I ascended first, so I have first claim. She drank the elixir of immortality and ascended, but that was during the age of men. I became a god before you humans ever conceived the notion of emperors."
I nodded slowly. The picture was becoming clearer. The Jade Rabbit was an old spirit, one appointed by the Jade Emperor, hence the similar name. On the other hand, every myth agreed on one thing: Chang'e wasn't special. She became special by drinking the elixir of immortality, an elixir her husband won.
There wasn't a single thing that was divine about her, at least not in the conventional sense. Stories said that she chose to live on the moon so as to be closer to the earth and to her mortal husband.
Which meant I was mistaken earlier: Chang'e wasn't the Jade Rabbit's landlady. Quite the opposite; she was the tenant.
"So by owning the Lunar Palace, I'm now your landlord?" I asked Chang'e.
She winced but nodded. "That is… correct."
"What do I get paid in exactly?"
"Well… That is what we wanted to discuss with you. Truthfully, I have no intention of descending as a heretic goddess. I'm quite happy living here."
"And where does that leave you?" I said to my predecessor.
"She is homeless," Chang'e told me.
"Chang'e!" the bunny pouted.
"You are. You gave him your entire estate. What were you thinking? There is a limit to charity, you know."
"I thought it'd take me longer to reform, alright?"
"You… You are far too irresponsible."
I nodded. "I think I understand. So you're both looking to stay here?"
"That is correct, Tianyu."
I looked around at the palatial estate before me. This was just one of twenty-eight. I had more than two dozen of these things. I shrugged. If I was to be the second Jade Rabbit, I might as well get started on the "lord of charity" bit.
I shrugged. "Sure."
"Sure?"
"Sure. You can stay."
Chang'e blinked in confusion. "Just like that? You're willing to let two goddesses stay in your territory?"
"I have two dozen palaces. What am I even going to do with that much room? For that matter, what did you do with that much room?"
"Well… The Jade Rabbit spent most of her time caring for the Queen Mother's peach garden and brewing the elixir of life. I helped her."
"Then you can help me by caring for the garden as per usual." Then I had an evil, evil idea. I turned to the rabbit. "As for you… There's a rabbit hutch outside with your name on it."
"W-What? That was a joke!"
"And now that's your house."
"Why? It was funny!"
"It's still funny," I replied with a shit-eating grin.
"Oh, come on!"
Chang'e frowned at me. It was weird how effective that was. "Tianyu, surely you wouldn't kick her out for a tactless joke?"
"Fine, fine. She can stay. I expect her to help you keep the place tidy and whatnot though."
"Of course. She can be a handful, but her heart's in the right place."
"Right, if you say so. Was this all you needed?"
"Not quite. You inherited her estate, which means you inherited the service of the twelve zodiac spirits as well as the four cardinal beasts."
"I can… What?"
"The twelve animal spirits and their retinues help care for your expansive property. The four cardinal beasts guard each direction."
"I see… That's good, but I just want to be a chef…"
"There is nothing to worry about. The celestial bureaucracy allows for owners who take a more hands-off approach to their territories. You just need to get through some basic paperwork." Then, with an evil smile, she snapped her fingers. "Shall we get started?"
X
Suffice to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. Chang'e had spent thousands of years acting as the Jade Rabbit's assistant. She'd gotten remarkably good at processing paperwork, which meant she was now my assistant and she was hellbent on showing me everything she knew about my new estate.
Twenty-eight mountains and the mansions atop them. An expansive garden of mystical herbs and fruits blessed by the Queen Mother herself. Dozens of alchemy labs, farms, and production facilities. Hundreds of servants, every one of them divine beasts.
It was a lot to handle for a guy who'd never managed anything bigger than his snack cart.
On the plus side, I also got a lot of other useful information including a map of the grounds, inventory of the Jade Rabbit's not inconsiderable treasury, and how to really use that dismembered foot she called a key.
"It can open a gate anywhere in the world," she said as if it should have been obvious to me. "I mean, why wouldn't you be able to do this? So long as the moon shines over an area, the gate can exist."
"Why would I know that? What could possibly have given me the hint necessary to come to that conclusion?" I asked exasperatedly.
"Moon. Rabbit. If the moonlight touches it, you can go there."
"Wait, does that mean I can only come here at night?"
"Or twilight. Yup. I mean, it's the Lunar Palace. The moon is kinda important."
I took a deep breath. "Okay… What else should I know?"
She shrugged. "A lot. Honestly? I've been selling alchemical goods and elixirs of life for longer than most of human civilization. Sure, most of it's free, but I've had a lot of people give me little knickknacks over the years as thanks, you know? You'd be surprised at how many mallets I've gotten from people to 'help me with my rice cake-making.' Seriously annoying."
"That's all in the inventory sheet, right?"
"Yeah. I'd appreciate it if you don't just throw them away though. Most of it's useless, but they're gifts given in thanks."
I nodded. "Sure. I can do that."
"Everything's in the inventory catalog. Kinda."
"What do you mean 'kinda?'"
"Everything I own is there, but there are a bunch of divine treasures that I don't have a claim to. No getting greedy, you hear?"
"Do I look like the kind of guy who'd care about that stuff? If I don't own it, it's not my business."
She nodded. "Good. So, any other questions?"
"Yeah." I flipped through the section on alchemical reagents. "Golden antlers? Phoenix eye? Like… from an actual phoenix?"
"Yup! You'd be amazed at how useful this stuff can be. They're all limited stock because gods sometimes give me things in exchange for a custom-made potion. I am the Grand Alchemist, you know."
I gave her an approving smile. "Huh, guess you're more amazing than I thought."
"Exactly! Stand in awe of my greatness!"
"… And… it's gone… You'd be a lot more respectable if you stopped talking."
"Hehehe, you two get along well," Chang'e spoke.
"We don't!" we shouted simultaneously, only to glare at each other for the impromptu jinx.
I shook my head. "Whatever. How much of this is food?"
"All of it? I mean, if you make it into a potion, it's all edible."
"No, I mean as an ingredient to cooking. You know, my specialty."
The Jade Rabbit took us to her personal potions lab. it was a vision of organized chaos. A kaleidoscope of bottled colors littered every wall and shelf. I wished I could identify even a single one, but they may as well be water and food coloring as far as I knew.
"Ah… A fair bit. Like, see here? Fairy wine? Maeve gave me that in exchange for a potion. You could probably use some of this for cooking to add to the Authority I gave you if that's what you're asking."
"Awesome!" I grinned. I was a chef in the end. My passion was food. The mansions were great. The army of servants was also great. But in the end, it all paled before the thought of having new ingredients to experiment with. "That's what I want."
"Want what?"
"I want you to make a catalog of all cooking ingredients."
She sighed, but I thought I could spy a fond smile. "Of course you're only interested in that. What if I told you I had a horn that could summon any of the cardinal beasts?"
"Later. Magic shopping list now."
"You know? Living with you might not be so bad… Say, can I keep my store open?"
"Your alchemy store?"
"Yeah. I enjoyed running it. If you let me keep it open, I'll ask for some of my profits to be paid in ingredients for your cooking."
"Hmm… Where is the store exactly?"
"Here. That outer fountain you found? That takes customers to the alchemy shop I run. It's separate from the rest of the mansions if that's what you mean."
I had to think about this. The Jade Rabbit's stores were large, but not infinite. I could run out of ingredients if I squandered them. A way to passively get some more would be splendid. On the other hand, her shop remaining open would likely mean some ornery god or divine beast will drop by in the future.
Decisions…
I shrugged. "You know what? Sure. You can have your alchemy store."
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah. I mean, you said you'll get me ingredients too, right? Sounds like a fair trade: I get to have fun with magic food and you get to have fun in your store."
"Yeah! I can distill the qi into monster cores for you. I mean, some of them will be better than others, but they should all give you a huge edge. Just be sure not to feed too much of it to normal humans, okay?"
"What happens if I give a monster core-charged bowl of fried rice to a normal person?"
She looked at me like I was stupid. "Probably nothing? But then again… What happens when you overload a balloon with a fire hose?"
"Oh…"
"Yeah. Don't do that. Even for mages, I recommend sticking to three at most."
I nodded. "Yeah, that's fair. Thanks for the advice. You know, you're a lot more tolerable when you're not a heretic."
"Shut up, you ass."
"So… You can't die here, right?"
"I'm a goddess in her own domain. No, I can't die."
"Does that mean you'd be down to try another avoca-"
I didn't even get to finish before the stupid bunny punted me out of her lab. So much for being the landlord…
The rooms in the Dragon's Horn Mansion were every bit as extravagant as I'd come to expect from the lair of a goddess, so much so that even Yinghua's five-star hotel penthouse looked practically modest in comparison. Everything in the mansion, from the Chinese lanterns to the floorboards reeked of magic, suffusing the very air to create the ideal comforting ambiance.
As I lay there in a bed that could easily fit ten people, I wondered what Luo Hao was doing. Probably training herself into the dirt as always now that I thought about it.
"I should bring her here sometime, Fluffles," I told my bunny.
She blinked slowly and nudged her face into my cheek. "Your brute of a fiance or that new tart with black fur?"
"Luo Hao. Why would I bring Fortuna here?"
"You didn't notice? She had some magic to help her fit into different situations. Or maybe some kind of adaptive meditation? She could be a good assistant to have, even in the Netherworld."
"I noticed, but I didn't think of it. Maybe? I guess it depends on how well she gets along with the Jade Rabbit… the first Jade Rabbit. God, that's going to get confusing real fast… But you're right though. She'll probably appreciate the chance to learn alchemy."
"You know she can't learn divine alchemy, right? She'll never be as good as the goddess."
"Well yeah, but still. Tutelage from a goddess has to be worth something, right?"
"Right," she said with a yawn. "I'm going to sleep now…"
"Yeah, night, Fluffles."
"Still hate that name…"
X
I slept like the dead but somehow managed to wake up precisely on time. According to one of the servants I shook down for answers, a weird carp-like divine beast, the Lunar Palace was deeply tied to the concepts of rest and tranquility. There was a lot of other qi-related stuff in his explanation too, but most of it flew over my head.
I bid the two goddesses goodbye and stepped out into an abandoned grove in Central Park. It was six in the morning and I could feel in my qi that the moon was all but finished setting.
"So Fluffles, what do you want for breakfast today?"
She shrugged. "Don't you just go for the freshest ingredients you can then cook yourself whatever culinary Frankenstein comes to mind?"
"Well, yeah, but it's good to explore too." She did have a point though. As much as I enjoyed cooking, it wouldn't do for me to have anything less than the freshest possible ingredients. I flipped through my phone for some of the best in New York, but most weren't open this early. "Well… I'm thinking… seafood?"
"Seafood? Now?"
"Kinda? Lox. Salmon and cream cheese. New York's famous for it and there's a place called Barney Greengrass that makes them well apparently. Coming?"
"You're my chair. I go where you go."
"Of course, mighty one. Allow me to ferry you to your destination," I said sarcastically.
X
The lox was perfect. It was creamy, salty, smoky, and had just the perfect amount of tomato to balance it out. By the time I finished eating, it was nearing 7:30, still too early to call up Fortuna.
I wanted to, nothing beat being shown around by a local, but she was my assistant, not my slave. Though me being a Campione blurred that line somewhat… Regardless, I didn't want to be the kind of boss that woke her up at bullshit-o-clock for trivial reasons. She was probably sleeping or making breakfast for her kid sister or something; let her have her family time.
That was all well and good, but that left me on my lonesome. I also wasn't fully satisfied with breakfast either. Oh, the food was excellent, but though it filled my belly and Fluffles enjoyed her cucumber and tomato salad, it left me hankering for a seafood binge.
Unfortunately, the absolute best, freshest place to get seafood was the Greenpoint Fish & Lobster, a local fish market that doubled as a restaurant. It wasn't open… at noon.
Bullshit!
What kind of bullshit fish market opened at noon! Most fish markets would be closed before 10!
Hearing that turned my stomach into a blazing pit of wrath. Voban's tantrums… I understood now…
Alas, like the benevolent king I was, I stayed my hand and decided to reserve judgment. I would pay their establishment a visit and I would see for myself just how fresh their fish was.
Fact remained, that left me with absolutely nothing to do this morning.
Sighing, I wandered aimlessly. The sun had claimed the sky fully and the Lunar Palace was out of my reach for now. So, for lack of anything better to do, I killed an hour by walking by different restaurants and listening to how each sous chef prepped his kitchen. Super hearing for the win! I didn't even need to enter anywhere, just stand around and let the clanging of pans and the clacking of knives on cutting board soothe me.
I eventually decided to check out Time Square, do some of that touristy stuff. I lived in New York, technically, but my family owned a house on the northern suburbs so it barely counted. In the same way most DC natives never visit the Smithsonian museums, I'd never really visited Time Square.
I got about four blocks from it before I did a full one-eighty.
Too noisy. And not the good kind of noisy of a well-prepped kitchen either, the kind of annoying clamor that came from a dozen cabbies arguing with each other or some self-important stock broker talking about the bull market, whatever the hell that meant.
I stuck to the side streets.
Then I felt it. Someone tried to steal my wallet. I used "my" loosely considering I barely recognized my own face anymore, but it had Yinghua's credit card. I couldn't let them leave with that.
I breathed deep as my senses focused on the person behind me. My world slowed to a crawl as I took in the situation.
Their footsteps were light and had barely made any noise. A woman? Or a child. Their breaths were even so they'd done this before. That composure spoke of confidence, the kind that care with experience. Considering I had large, perky bunny ears that screamed I was a super, I ruled out child immediately.
Anyone confident enough to pickpocket an obvious super was either suicidally stupid or very, very good. That left a small man or woman.
I frowned as I thought about how my siblings would react in this situation. The most merciful would undoubtedly be Aisha. She would likely pat them on the head, heal them, then force the local mage association to find them a job or something. Voban… Just his reputation assured me he wasn't who I wanted to take cues from.
Unfortunately, neither was Luo Hao. As awesome as my fiance was, she probably wouldn't show mercy should someone lay a hand on her "venerable personage." Or maybe she'd be impressed instead because they somehow managed to get this far without alerting her? Really could go either way with her…
I decided on the middle road. No pasting random civilians, but that didn't mean I'd reward them for trying to rob me either.
The pickpocket sped up slightly, jostling my shoulder with damn-near catlike grace. Anyone else would have mistaken it for an accident. I wasn't anyone else.
She passed me by, her raven tresses flicking into my nose. It smelled. Her natural scent wasn't bad, but she also reeked of sweat and semen.
I allowed her to take my wallet for the briefest moment. Then, when she slipped it into the back pocket of her jeans, the instant her fingers left the leather, I snatched it back. Just to punish her a bit, I also coated my hand in water qi before fluidly stealing her own wallet.
By the time she noticed, I was long gone.
Several minutes later, I ducked into an alley and flipped through her wallet. She had a surprising amount, $419 all told, and all in small bills. I couldn't find a single piece of ID on her. No driver's license, no credit card, not even a school ID.
"Huh… I wonder if she got this wallet from some poor sap too."
As I puzzled over her identity, I heard her approach. That more than anything else I'd seen so far impressed me because it meant she'd managed to track me in the concrete jungle. Was she a super too?
"So, do you normally stalk bunnies from rooftops?" I snarked.
For a moment, I heard nothing but the slightest gasp of surprise. Then, she jumped down, clearing three stories like nothing.
No, not nothing. Her ankles broke. Then immediately healed.
"Huh… Regeneration… Nifty. I still wouldn't have done that, but you do you."
She stared at me with cool, green eyes. "I've felt worse."
I studied her more closely. She was pretty in a way that would have taken my breath away not two weeks ago. She was also completely blemish-free. That was something I'd noticed over the past week: People like Luo Hao, Yinghua, and myself, and evidently people like this stranger in front of me, didn't get things like acne because our natural regeneration and magic removed such petty concerns.
Considering her willingness to break her own legs just to make a cool entrance though? I had a feeling her power worked overtime to keep that pretty face.
She held out her hand. "Wallet."
"Hmm… Only if you tell me how you tracked me so fast. It took you, what, two minutes to notice? Then less than a minute to locate me. What gave me away?"
"Smell. You smell nice. Like food."
I smiled at that. Was I a sucker for compliments? When it came to food, definitely. "Super senses then? Nice."
"Wallet. Now," she demanded impatiently.
I rolled my eyes but tossed it to her. I promised after all. "So, why me? You're good. Good enough to rob anyone on the street. Why the obvious super?"
She looked at me incredulously. "Everything you're wearing screams you've got cash to burn. Looks normal but it's all high quality."
I glanced down at my t-shirt. "This thing?"
"When it's made of silk? Yes."
"I… I'm impressed you know what silk looks like through a crowd."
"You smell nice. Caught my attention."
I blinked at that. This girl was… seriously weird. She fixated on a smell, fine, and then… saw I had a nice shirt so decided to rob me…? "So you decided to take my wallet because I smelled nice? What if I punched you or something?"
She scoffed. "You're a rabbit. Powers are rabbit-themed. Rabbit can't hurt me."
"You don't know that."
She held up her right fist. Twin claws emerged from… between her knuckles instead of fingers… for some reason… They made an uncomfortable snick-snick noise as they ground against bone, leaving a trickle of blood to run down between her fingers. This girl had some serious pain tolerance. Or maybe didn't feel pain altogether.
"I can take you," she said confidently.
I sighed. She seemed... remarkably straightforward… for good and for ill. I could leave her be and walk away, but it'd leave a poor taste in my mouth. "You don't know that," I repeated. "Next time, don't go for supers. Or better yet, find a job."
"I have a job. $150 per hour. Whatever you want; I can play rough. Want in?"
"I… No. For one, you're not the only one with enhanced senses. I can smell the last guy in your hair. Two, unless you really enjoy being a prostitute, I wouldn't exactly call it a job."
"Well tough. Can't get anything else."
She started to walk away. She was hardly the only person down on their luck, but she was the first I'd met since I became a Campione. Some were homeless bums because they wanted to be; until recently, I counted myself among that number. Others, others just got the shit end of the deal.
I frowned. I didn't know which she was, but I'd feel bad if I didn't try to help.
"Hey," I called. She froze. "Do you want a job?"
"What?"
"A job. Food too. I'm a chef and I wouldn't mind an assistant."
She looked at me suspiciously. "I just tried to rob you."
I nodded with an easy smile. "You did."
"I just tried to rob you… and you're offering me money?"
"Job. J. O. B. You can work at the snack cart for a bit and we'll see how it goes."
"You don't think I'll run off with your money?"
I rolled my eyes. If she wanted to be difficult, I didn't mind throwing her words back at her. I tapped into my qi for a moment and blurred forward to boop her nose. Claws came out. She slashed at me, but I was already back in my original spot. Grinning, I said, "I can take you."
She glared, far more on guard now that I proved I wasn't helpless. "You-"
"So? Job?"
"No. I don't need charity."
"Not charity. Trust me, you're going to work for every cent. And, it comes with free food~"
I could see her mulling it over. She looked at me with wavering mistrust. Just when I thought she'd accept, her eyes hardened. "No."
"No?"
"I don't need charity," she repeated. She turned to leave. "Thanks, but no thanks."
I sighed. That was disappointing, but I wouldn't push. She had powers. She literally couldn't be permanently harmed. The implications of how okay she was with self-harm worried me a little, but in the end, this was her choice.
"Fine, but if you ever want some food, you can find the Lucky Bunny Snack Cart, okay? I'll be here for a few days around the north end of Central Park."
She grunted something unintelligible before strolling off.
I didn't even get her name.
I wandered around for a while longer before determining that it was late enough in the morning and calling Fortuna.
"Good morning, Fortuna. How are you?"
"Morning, sir. I am at the office now. Was there anything specific you wanted? Or should I meet you at the food cart?"
"Actually, I've got a question."
"Sir?"
"Does the SSIU keep a catalog of supers? Not mages, supers."
"We do not, sir. We generally stay out of superhero affairs. Are you interested in meeting one in particular? That can be arranged."
"No, that's not it. I met some girl who tried to pickpocket me."
"Oh dear. Should I send a cleanup crew to your location?"
I groaned. "Fortuna, no. I didn't kill her. Or hurt her. Or do anything else my siblings would do. I'm asking because she had regenerative powers and was happy to jump from a three-story building just to confront me after I stole her wallet to punish her for trying to steal mine. Didn't exactly scream she had a comfortable past, you know?"
"Ah, I see," she said. She was as stoic as ever, but I could just barely hear a slight sigh of relief. Just what kind of impulsive monster did she think I was? "I'm glad, sir. Thank you for your mercy. Did you get a name?"
"No, I was hoping you had some kind of database. She had regeneration and two claws on her hand that sprouted from between her knuckles."
"Apologies, sir. The SSIU has no such database, but we do have contacts insight of Vought. They likely have something. Should I start looking?"
"Nah. She looked a little down on her luck so I wanted someone to watch her back if it wasn't too inconvenient. Just leave it alone; I'm sure she'll be fine. She looked like she could handle herself in a fight so she'll be safe if nothing else."
'As you wish. Was there anything else?"
"Actually, yes. I wanted to make something seafood-y for the afternoon. I read that the Greenpoint Fish & Lobster was the best fish market around, but they only open at noon. Do you know anywhere else?"
"Not a problem, sir. If you tell me the ingredients, I can have someone pick them up."
"Thanks, Fortuna, you're the best."
"I try, sir. I try."
I decided to go with another east-west fusion. Since I was in New England, and I was using (abusing) my sovereignty as Campione to get ingredients anyway, I figured I may as well go with a staple: lobster rolls.
As a side, I decided on some takoyaki, Japanese fried octopus balls. I figured I could serve four per customer to go with the rolls.
I spotted Fortuna standing by my food cart, ingredients already loaded and ready for prep. I let out a low, appreciative whistle. "Looking good, Fortuna. You know you can wear something more comfortable, right?"
"This is comfortable, sir."
"If you say so… You know how to prep a lobster?"
"No, sir, but I can easily perform any task if you show me."
'Your power I take it?"
"Yes. The best way I've come to describe it is that it is akin to a recipe book. I can give myself a goal and my precognitive abilities will carry out that goal, just as surely as if performing the steps of a recipe."
"That's… So you're a master of every skill in the world? How are you not a Campione yet? If anyone can kill a god, it's you, right?"
She shook her head with a wan smile. "You would think so, but no. I've come to realize that certain people defy fate, you included. My ability excels at performing mundane tasks, or even at learning different branches of magic, I specialize in divination and scrying magic if you must know, but I lack the physical abilities necessary to compete with great knights of the old world, never mind heretic gods."
We got to work and between my experience and Fortuna's bullshit power that magically made her as skilled as I was with a knife, we got done just in time for the lunch rush.
I was about to drop the first batch of takoyaki into the fryer when I felt it.
Then I felt it. heard it? I didn't know how to describe it exactly, but there was an undercurrent of danger that flowed through the air. The sensation was like a prickling feeling that pulsed against my sensitive ears, like someone was stroking the fur backwards.
"Fortuna?" I froze, spoonful of octopus ball batter in hand.
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you feel that?"
"I do not. What is it?"
"I'm not sure… There's an odd tingling…"
Her face became serious. "I advise you to trust your instincts, sir. Campione have sometimes shown remarkable insight."
I closed my eyes. "Give me a second. There's this feeling I can't place…"
Then I realized what it was. I couldn't recognize it at first because it felt so out of place. Mana. Qi. A stupid amount of it. Enough that it was comparable to the Lunar Palace, something that should be impossible in the mortal world.
It was starting to make the air hum, unnoticeable to Fortuna, but not to me. It was like a constant drone that was growing ever louder. Soon, Fortuna would probably feel it too.
"There's a lot of mana gathering, enough to rival the Lunar Palace. What does that mean?"
My lovely assistant froze. I had the dubious honor of seeing her pale like a sheet. "A god is descending, sir. That is the most likely explanation. What would you like to do?"
Author's Note
Not much to say, so have a bunny fact: The Flemish giant rabbit is the largest breed of rabbit in the world, capping out at 13 pounds (that's a lot for a bunny). It used to be bred for meat but breeders found it inefficient because the breed's pretty big-boned so it's mostly bred for shows and bragging rights now.
As always, thank you to my patrons: AblazedNightmare, Baron_Dio, Edgar, Dan B, Trent Cannon, dark helmet9, Abdulla, KDN, Drake_Azathoth, Dull Pen, Nick Gabbard, Amon, CrusaderElmo, Non Non, BookDragonling, abdd, M, Jakob Lefevre, , Mateusz, Alexander Beers, Yuri Latten, SpeX, Ramon Diaz, Spencer seidel, Deteriator, ilovebullets, Evelyn Antoinette, John Harris, AbyssalMage, Coalman95, Johnworm, Daniel I Beer, Mp Gaming, Adam Bell, Jake Hand, r3d3v3, Sam Richardson, Tavernlandlord, Oddfall, Retexks, NorthMountain, Thobitor, Primordi, Paul Becker, mouad maataoui, PbookR, JayK, Helios, Starfall20, Anh Duy Ly, Matthew Powell, oliman, Uriel Torres, jack kreutner, Savagesmiley, Apallo Berryman, Noctis117, Sage Berthelsen, Euth, Phong Truong, Night Drifter, Khetsun XD, Hunter Rhoades, abdullah khan, Bookmaggot, Drake, Hector Gregorio, DeValve, costochondritis, Chrishenk, Jorge Benedicto, Dang Tran, Julian Rivera, Sean Feeney, Blyth Septimus, Narasan, Paul Mouttet, victor a lopez-barron, Empty Shelf, Skrubstar, fluffybutt, NazNar21, Zerak, Andreyebidu, Rairarku, Big ToFu, John Dale, Kappsa, Kraxus, and Amadi238.