God? Devil? Fuck that, I'm gonna be a bunny

by Fabled Webs

Or: How an American chef became a jade beauty by murdering a goddess because avocados are bad for the environment.

4. Vore is a trash fetish

Preface

Readers/Reviewers, this is a general reminder that this is the transcript of a quest. A quest is basically an online, literary DnD campaign, with yours truly as the DM. The MC is controlled by the chat, actions are voted for, rolls are made for luck, etc. I have very little say over the MC's personality, believe it or not.

The quest, with pictures and whatnot, can be found on fiction-live. It's much longer there. I recommend reading it there as even though the quest format throws some people off, some of the jokes just carry over better with pictures.

"Shit… Shitshitshitshit… What's standard protocol?"

"We arrange a general evacuation alert."

"And?"

"Then we alert the nearest Campione."

"Then?"

She looked at me flatly. "That is the protocol, sir. I'll set up an evacuation alert."

"Fuck!" I thought about what I could do. The only skill I could really be proud of was cooking. Hell, it was the only thing that meshed with my Authority. "Okay. You do that. I'm going to make us some food. It'll make us stronger."

"Yes, sir."

I got to cooking. I diced and sauteed the lobster meat in butter before loading it on a sweet roll alongside some lettuce and onions. I'd never been more crunched for time.

"Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

I drew three monster cores and filled them with my own qi. As I imbued my Authority into them, they melted into the butter. I was about to break one of my cardinal rules: Never eat something if I don't know what it is. It was a rule made after a drunken night in Sao Paulo. For all I knew, I could be eating kraken testicles.

Didn't matter. I had no choice. Agility. Strength. I'd need as much as I could get.

I set it aside and prepped a serving of takoyaki as Fortuna made some desperate calls. More than anything, I needed to survive. Sparring with Luo Hao taught me just how fragile I was compared to her. If the descending god was anything like her, I'd need serious help to survive.

I focused everything I had that hadn't gone into the monster cores and condensed it all into pure yang qi. Vitality. Life. Regeneration. For as long as I had this inside me, I wouldn't die. I couldn't die. I was well aware that this could become a monkey's paw curse, but I didn't see any choice in the matter.

Behind me, Fortuna hung up the phone. She had somehow gotten even paler than before. "Sir, everyone inside Central Park is being evacuated. John Pluto Smith has been warned. He will arrive as soon as he is able, but his method of traveling through the Netherworld is unreliable."

I nodded. Luo Hao would have been furious that another godslayer was warned without her consent, but I wasn't. This was his territory, strictly speaking. I was also a completely untested Campione. The SSIU made the right call. "Which means what?"

"He will arrive in half an hour… or three hours…"

"Fuck. I should be able to stall them. They'll follow me into the park, right? Heretic gods are drawn to Campione?"

"Yes, sir. I have further news from the divinations department."

"What is it?"

"Two. There are two gods descending…"

I swore like a sailor who'd just been castrated. In the end, there was nothing else I could do. Two gods almost certainly meant they knew each other. It also meant they'd likely be lovers or mortal enemies.

"Go," I told Fortuna. "Go and make sure your family is safe. Then stay away."

She looked at me then nodded once. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

I watched her leave. I wished I had Yinghua with me. He would have been able to handle any divine beasts, maybe even a subordinate god. I wished I had more time. If I did, perhaps I could have made something permanent for Fortuna. Would she have been willing to stand by me then?

No. I knew the answer to that. Even if she would, I wouldn't have let her. She had a family. I wouldn't have allowed her to throw her life away.

Grimly, I ate my prepared meal, knowing it might well be my last. "Well… Lobster roll and takoyaki isn't too bad for a last meal," I mused.

The sky had taken on a distinct taste of ozone now. It made my fur stand on end. The air smelled of salt and brine. I could see what the diviners saw. Two different flavors of qi were swirling in the air, mixing and clashing. They were diametrically opposed to each other.

A storm god. A sea god. Or something to that effect. Both would thrive in New York.

I blurred south until I stood atop the water in the Jacqueline Kennedi Onassis Reservoir. Was it foolish to choose here of all places as my battleground? Almost certainly, but… but water was my element too. It was the only one I could use in high-level combat. It was also as far from the city as I could get. Live or die, I'd make my stand here.

X

The first to arrive was a serpent. It was enormous, so large that even the smallest scales looked to be as wide as my face. It coiled and writhed against the the clouds and I could feel through my connection to the moon the roiling tides. The ocean rumbled and surged as if in protest. Its control felt wrong somehow, like a conquering tyrant who claimed a throne that was never meant to be theirs.

The winds roared and howled from all four directions, though not at its command. Instead, the winds seemed to be fighting against it, doing their best to cast down this serpent to the ground.

All of nature rebelled as it let out an earth-shaking roar.

Then it swerved in the air, its size bellying its speed. An arrow made of lightning struck where its head had been.

I looked up and saw a great, androgynous figure who stood on a chariot of blackened clouds. In his hands was a bow of lightning. The smell of ozone followed him and I felt as though he would singe my fur simply by being here.

The great serpent struck back with a torrent of water that seemed to condense an entire tsunami into a single stream, but the man of storms simply dispersed into clouds before reforming again.

I watched in awe as two gods duked it out. It was awe-inspiring, primal in a way I couldn't fully describe. The Jade Rabbit had the same divine presence, a sense of otherness that marked her as more than human, but she was the embodiment of the moon. She brewed the elixir of life. She was a benevolent goddess twisted by her descent. No matter how far from her myth she strayed, there would always be a sense of tranquility about her.

Not so with the two before me.

The serpent's wrath was great. It let loose a devastating roar that blasted the wind to stillness from the sound alone. It shouted down the waves and twisted the sea into shape, forming constructs in its image to hurl at the storm god.

The storm god shook a bone rattle on his hip. Its sound stirred the winds to action and hurricane-force gales bent the trees around me. He drew back his bow and let loose an entire salvo of arrows any army would have been proud of.

I'd say it turned the sky dark, but every arrow was shaped out of lightning bolts. They lit up the clouded sky like a hundred pillars of light.

They struck every serpent, a dozen shafts for each construct, and dispersed them all.

A staccato of thunder resounded through the sky, shattering every window in the city.

"I'm not ready for this," I admitted to myself. I couldn't die, the yang qi inside me would keep me alive no matter what, but… but I was dangerously out of my depth here. The strides I'd made under Luo Hao's tutelage seemed like baby steps now.

Still, I moved. I couldn't do nothing. I couldn't leave so many people to die. How many were still trying to evacuate in this chaos? We'd only had twenty minutes' warning.

I would fight because I was a Campione. All the prestige. All the privilege. It was for this.

The best thing I could do right now was buy time. Pluto was coming, someone vastly better equipped to handle a god. Until then, I'd have to manage on my own.

To minimize casualties, I had to… I had to remove at least one god from the field. Without an opponent, the other might leave. Or calm down enough to talk.

That made the choice easy: I'd be targeting the serpent first. I didn't think I could hit the cloud-man at all, not with the enchantments I had. The snake was clearly better with water manipulation than I was and it wasn't having any luck on that front. I doubted me trying to kick the old man would be any better.

I ran back to my cart and got ready to break yet another of my cardinal rules: I was going to poison someone. The very thought disgusted me. I was a chef; I made food to nourish and heal.

And yet...

I winced as a water-snake construct lost cohesion and landed on a building. Against all expectations, it did not splash harmlessly. The building collapsed and I strained my ears to hear dozens of people making their final pleas.

And yet… needs must.

I hardened my heart and got to work.

I thought about what I could make.

What was poison? Anything consumed that could harm the body. So, really, absolutely everything. As one doctor said, "Dosage, dosage, dosage."

Funny, but that narrowed things down to fuck-all. No one sane ate poison so it wasn't exactly part of my training.

No. That wasn't right. There was one poison practically everyone drank. Alcohol. It was damn near universal, across every culture and nation, practically since humans knew how to get drunk. Hell, there were elephants who ate fermented fruits intentionally.

"Wine," I decided. "Wine is universal. Where can I find wine?"

Google Maps wasn't going to help me now so I ran. I ran until I found the first 7-Eleven I could find and snatched all the wine I could carry. It only took a few seconds with my speed.

I needed to make something for it to be subject to my Authority, so I started hunting down what I could remember from my days in Spain: Peach. Green apple. Lemon. Mint.

I didn't have a blender. It didn't matter. I tossed everything into a clean pot and took hold of the wine using water qi. I stirred until it built up enough pressure to mash everything against the steel.

Fuck. This was the single sloppiest thing I'd ever made in my life. It wasn't pretty, but it didn't matter. I had an entire soup pot's worth of white sangria, more than enough to get a dozen men drunk.

I thought desperately about what I wanted.

I wanted to poison the serpent. I wanted to kill it so the thunder god would lose his reason to rampage. Barring that, I wanted to weaken the serpent so the thunder god could finish the job. Most of all, I wanted to buy time.

All that could be achieved… maybe. It was a long shot, but not an impossible one. Didn't I also have an Authority?

If the elixir of life could grant three thousand years with but a sip, then could I… Could I make the serpent mortal? Could I tear away its divinity and drag it to the earth?

I chanted my aria, flooding the pot with yin qi. Yin, the dark. The negative. The cold and lifeless. It was also paradoxically the qi of the moon. I leaned on that connection desperately.

"Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

X

I felt my qi leave me, faster than with any other dish I'd made before. Was it because the poison was anathema to my identity? To the nature of Peach Blossom Alchemy?

Or was it that this cocktail was closer to alchemy than cooking? Something the Jade Rabbit might have made had she felt particularly vicious?

I swallowed thickly and did my best to gather myself. The yin qi inside the sangria stirred and called to me, moon to moon. I'd succeeded somehow in creating the elixir, something that would bring the serpent closer to man, make it mortal.

One Authority to cancel out another.

I… I had my poison.

I looked up into the sky. The two were still going at it with no signs of stopping. I'd thought they would immediately put aside their differences to come after me because I was a Campione, but apparently not. Not for the first time, I wondered just who they were that they had such a violent grudge.

It wasn't Thor and Jormungandr for sure; the thunder god up there had no hammer and Jormungandr wasn't a flyer as far as I knew. It wasn't Zeus and Typhon either; Typhon had a hundred heads and supposedly breathed fire, not controlled water.

So who was it?

If I knew, perhaps I could have crafted a poison better suited for their individual myth. I made a note to myself to brush up on some ancient mythology if I survived this.

I had one shot at this.

I looked up at the sky, then at the pot in my hands. "How the hell am I supposed to get it there?"

I heard a rustling beneath the cart. At first I thought it was the wind, only for Don Fluffles to poke her head out. "Oi, shitty master, of course you're cooking while two gods fight. What kind of Campione are you?"

"The one who's desperately out of his league," I snapped back. "This is a poison. It needs to go in that giant snake. Any ideas?"

"I dunno. Why're you asking me? Snakes eat rabbits. What do you think I know about them?"

"I… Fuck…" I looked up at the snake again, then down at my pot. "Eat… rabbits…"

Fluffles must have realized what I was thinking because she shot me a look of utter disgust. "Seriously? That's your grand plan?"

I gestured at my own eats. "What the fuck else am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know! Punch it! You spent a week learning from motherfucking Luo Hao! How the hell is getting eaten your first choice here?"

"I have one shot at this. I don't think I have the qi to make any more of these even if I wanted. If I can't trust myself, who else can I trust?"

"Oh, gods kill me, my master is a vore fetishist," she moaned.

"I'm not! And why the hell are you even here? Didn't you go with Fortuna?"

"I'm your guardian beast, you fuckwit! Why would I go with her?"

I startled at that. I was touched. Almost. "So you'll let a snake god deepthroat you?"

She dove back beneath the snack cart faster than I'd ever seen her move. "Nope. Fuck this noise. I'll find another job."

X

As funny as that was, I did need to feed myself to a snake so I ran off for the highest building I could find.

I held nothing back. Half the city was either on fire or drowning in a tidal wave that seemingly learned to fly anyway. What was a few sonic waves compared to that?

Resolved to end this as quickly as I could, I filled myself with water qi and moved. I felt the sound barrier shatter like it didn't exist. The trail of destruction I left in my wake would likely cost the city millions, but I couldn't be bothered to care at the moment.

I blurred to a stop atop Central Park Tower. It stretched out far beyond even other skyscrapers and I wondered what it would be like to see the sunset from here.

I'd visit, perhaps when I wasn't plotting deicide.

There, I followed the battle to the best of my abilities.

The storm god had managed to land at least one blow on the serpent. I could see that its scales were shattered in some places. Arrows of lightning fizzled out as they touched its skin, dispersed by its own divinity.

The serpent bled. It bled huge drops of black blood that dripped onto the earth. Each drop landed with the force of a falling car, spilling deluges of its divinity onto the earth. Then I heard it, him, speak for the first time.

I did not understand. He spoke in a guttural roar that promised to devour everything. At his command, the drops of blood he shed formed crimson serpents that rose up to challenge the storm god.

The storm god shook his bone rattle. "Hear me, all creation. Listen to the herald of new life. Come, children! Come and celebrate the beginning of spring with a Festival of Storms!"

The winds swirled at his voice. The four winds gathered at his side. The clouds built upon each other, forming towering columns that seemed without end.

Then, out of the clouds came his "children." Spiraling columns sprouted arms that arced with barely restrained lightning. The sky came alive with first one, then dozens, each wielding bows made out of the very tempest they commanded.

It was madness. I could barely understand the sheer chaos of the battle.

Thousands of arrows rained down even as an equal number of blood serpents rose up to face the storm god's children.

Blood and lightning met in the sky and caused titanic explosions that threatened to knock me from my perch.

And then I saw it, my chance.

The serpent ran out of steam first. The waters lurched and rebelled against their master. They reached out for anyone, anything that could potentially usurp control from the serpent.

They reached out to me, to the moon.

I was helpless to take over. In the end, I was a Campione not even two weeks old. I had no business contesting a sea god for the ocean, moon or not. Even so, I didn't need to win that struggle, merely disrupt his control. I flooded my body with water qi and yanked as hard as I could.

The watery constructs wavered for the slightest second, giving the storm god the time to strike at his foe.

The serpent roared in pain as a dozen lightning bolts struck its scales. It lashed out, cleaving a row of apartments in twain.

Then it found me.

It glared at me with eyes larger than my whole body. I once heard that cobras paralyzed their pray by swaying and meeting their eyes, a sort of hypnotic dance. It was probably myth, but from the perspective of the rabbit, I understood.

Sheer terror filled me as he glared at me with absolute hatred. I swallowed my fear and spread out my arms. "Come on then!" I shouted. "Fucking eat me!"

It was hardly the noblest one-liner, but it was all I had.

Then the serpent lunged. I grabbed the pot and leapt to meet it.

It was dark. It smelled like rotting carcasses. It was uncomfortably wet. I could hear its rhythmic heartbeat, feel the vibrations in my fleshy cage. I sighed as I lugged the pot of sangria after me. "Fluffles was right. Vore is a trash fetish."

Then I felt him flex. It was a gross, slimy feeling that constricted all around me. I was far too small to get stuck in its esophagus but not so small that I could just slide right on down.

I let out a full-body shudder as the walls closed in and pushed me south with undulating motions. "Oh, god, is this what being born feels like?"

I threw up a little, tried to force it back down, took a sniff of the rancid air, then threw up again.

Then, I felt myself land in a wet puddle. It ate threw my shoes and jeans up to my shins almost instantly and I knew I was in his stomach.

I unlatched the lid of my pot and hurled it far from me back into the esophagus. The last thing I wanted was to accidentally drink some of my own sangria and lose my divine resistance.

Even now, I could feel his stomach acid eating away at my skin. I wasn't going to die or anything, but there was a tingling, prickly feeling like a pervasive itch I couldn't scratch.

"God, please let this work," I prayed.

I waited first for one minute then five until the wine did its job. Its heartbeat stuttered. Then, the world shook around me as I heard a booming roar of pain that knocked me on my ass.

I groaned as I stood, naked as the day I was born.

Still, it was working. At least for a while, the serpent was as mortal as could be. He probably counted as some highly magical creature, but damn it, he wasn't a god anymore… hopefully.

"Well, here goes nothing," I grumbled.

I withdrew my favored chef's knife. It, along with the clothes that this fucking snake ruined, was a gift. Luo Hao and Yinghua had it prepared for me by the finest smiths in the Cult. It wasn't divine or anything, but the same smith who made this knife made Luo Hao's favored halberd.

"A master's blade for a master chef," she'd said.

I admired the Damascus steel pattern and thanked my fiance for her gift again. She gave it to me when I finally learned to split logs to her satisfaction by twitching a single wrist and with a pocket knife in hand. The blade handled metal qi exceptionally well, though it wasn't something I needed often.

I fed it a trickle of qi and let out a bark of laughter as it practically sang in my hand.

"A master's blade for a master chef. This probably wasn't what you had in mind, but thank you, beloved."

With a wicked grin, I lunged.

My blade bit deep, almost as though the muscles of its esophagus was made of butter. Without his divinity, the only thing he had going for him was his sheer size. So large was he that the esophagus lining alone was over two feet thick.

I tore and tore, paying no heed to the blood that caked my body. Assuming he was a sea god, he probably didn't need to breathe, but internal bleeding had to count for something, right?

I felt as much as heard him roar in agony as I extended metal qi to lengthen my blade. I swung with enough speed to create sickles of air. I cut with the force to sunder solid steel. Nothing compared to my dear fiance, but I was far from the helpless bum I was a week ago.

I didn't know how long I cut. I lost myself to the hypnotic rhythm. I was a chef. A chef who could not cut was unworthy of the title. There was no such thing as a chef who couldn't handle a knife.

Then it was over.

With a final screech that turned into a gargling gasp, he died. His body convulsed in his last death throes.

I felt him begin to dissipate into motes of mana. Whatever god he was, whichever culture he was from, I didn't care anymore. All I could feel as I sank to my knees was joy that it was finally over.

"Vore really is a trash fetish," I groaned as the world faded to back around me.

X

"Am… Am I doomed to only end up with problem children?" I heard a melodic voice say despondently. "Whatever. A win is a win… Just… Just try to win with more dignity next time?"

I slowly roused myself as I tried to remember. Pandora, I now knew, my spiritual "mother." I couldn't remember more of the conversation no matter how hard I tried. I wished I did; she sounded like an interesting person.

I stood slowly and felt the uncomfortable breeze on my junk. The only magical artifact in my possession was my trusty knife, even my pot had melted away. I flicked off the last specks of blood from my knife.

"God, I must look like a fucking serial killer," I moaned. "I can already see tomorrow's headline: 'Naked bunnyboy runs around Central Park with kitchen knife.'"

Still, I allowed myself a brief smile. There was a pulse of power inside of me. I could see it when I closed my eyes, an Authority from Maxa'xak. With it, I now knew who the serpent was. He was the Horned Serpent in Lenape myth who usurped the rule of all the earthly waters from the Great Toad. He was chased away by the Old Thunder, Muxumsa Pethakowe.

"I guess I know who that guy is," I muttered.

I winced as the Authority fully took shape inside me. In my mind's eye, I saw a massive fang, longer than my arm. It dripped a clear liquid that looked deceptively pure. The fang itself was a crude, primal thing that reeked of promised violence.

Fang of Starving Venom (Authority)

Origin: Maxa'xak, the Horned Serpent

Details: The Horned Serpent slew the Great Toad, who was the original Water Keeper. He then battled the Old Thunder, drowning the world in waves and venom as he sought to devour all earthly creatures. That was how the first people came to an end.

Aria: Ye hungering serpent, great devourer of all earthly creatures, seek and strike! Corrupt and bring the world to ruin! Fang of Starving Venom!

Effect: Starving Venom manifests as a sword (sorta) longer than your arm. It embodies Maxa'xak's desire to devour all the first peoples and cuts earthly creatures and gods with ease. It leaks a clear venom that can be replaced with any potion you have on hand.

This… This wasn't the kind of Authority I wanted. I wasn't sure what kind of Authority I was expecting from such a vicious creature, but I had hoped for something a bit less… murder-y…

I was prevented from ruminating on my new sword(?) by the Old Thunder.

He loomed over me with his hands clad in lightning. His "children," constructs of lightning elementals, aimed their bows at me.

"You… A hare slew the Horned Serpent?" he rumbled. "Godslayer. Abomination. You wear the guise of Nanapush."

I blinked in surprise. "Who?"

"The Great Hare reminded men to worship me. He was cunning, as you are. Yes, you must have slain him to take on his guise. And with trickery you slew the Horned Serpent."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Old Thunder."

"I will see you dead for the death of my friend, abomination!" he roared, his voice echoing like rumbling thunder. He swung his bone rattle and a torrent of wind struck me, flipping me ass over teakettle into the Central Park reservoir.

The water welcomed me like an old friend. Without the Horned Serpent, my control over it was uncontested, for all the good it'd do against the storm god. I didn't think I could do anything that the snake hadn't already tried and failed.

I rose to stand on the surface, then paled as the cloud elementals nocked a salvo of lightning bolts. They loosed their arrows and my world became a crawl. I flooded my body with qi like never before and prepared myself for the fight of my life.

A salvo of lightning arrows streaked towards me. Even to my accelerated perception, they were fast, faster than I could ever hope to dodge. Belatedly, I realized that standing on water might not have been the smartest idea. Even so, I did not freeze. I had my lovely fiance to thank for that.

Pure water was an insulator; I remembered that much. I surrounded my body with water qi and did my best to endure the onslaught.

The first arrows struck and I could feel it bite deep into my impromptu shield. The raw heat of the arrows evaporated the water almost instantly and though the shield protected me from the worst of it, I felt painful shocks run through my body as the energy was dispersed into the wider reservoir. I didn't know if anything lived here, but they sure as hell didn't now.

Then the rest of the salvo struck home and I could do nothing but scream. Every nerve ignited in hellfire. For a moment, I could see the shape of my bones such was the shock.

Agony, pure, scorching agony turned my world white. I could feel my ears stand on end, as rigid as any steel. I could feel my hair burl and melt, fusing with my skin before that too turned to ash.

And still I would not die. I could not die. The yang qi flowing through my body would not allow it.

The lightning faded after a subjective eternity. I stood on jittery legs. I needed a plan. The immortality I'd granted myself would wear out eventually. At my best guess, I had fifteen minutes, give or take a few.

'Where the fuck are you, Pluto?' I thought with a groan.

Shaking, I called on the only applicable Authority I had. "Ye hungering serpent, great devourer of all earthly creatures, seek and strike! Corrupt and bring the world to ruin! Fang of Starving Venom!"

The blade manifested from my mind, forming in my right hand like a greatsword. I knew very little of swordsmanship and what little I knew was taught using jian, Chinese straight swords, but this was all I had.

At the very least, the venom could harm earthly gods and I remembered Yinghua telling me "earthly" meant "nature," not literally of the earth. There was a decent chance that the sword could cut Old Thunder, assuming he didn't disperse himself into clouds to avoid it.

I groaned. It seemed like an impossible task. A novice swordsman against thirteen flying archers who could all become intangible at will.

"No. I've done the impossible before. Campione exist to do the impossible," I told myself.

First things first.

I ran. I ran as fast as my naked-ass bunny feet could carry me to the cart. I wove side to side, doing my best to make myself a smaller target. Lightning struck around me but I had the feeling that they weren't used to aiming at smaller foes.

Still, I took several glancing blows as my body seized up from the residual electricity. I needed those damn rice balls, fast.

"COWARD!" I heard him roar behind me. He sounded "Face me, abomination!"

"Fuck off!" I yelled back. "I'm not even Lenape!"

"You killed my friend! Die, godslayer!"

"Who the fuck is Nanapush?!" I yelped as I felt a lightning bolt sail past my head. "It's not my fault rabbits are allergic to avocados!"

"You poisoned him?" he rumbled. I cringed at the sheer, unbridled wrath in his voice.

At least he was solely focused on me now…

I didn't answer. There was no point anymore. I reached my cart and picked up the lunchbox with my rice balls inside. I slung it over my shoulder and stabbed my kitchen knife into it to act as a makeshift sheath before snatching the oversized thermos with the rest of my tea.

I jammed a rice ball into my mouth and felt the shakes stop.

The air buzzled with ambient charge and I dove out of the way. A curving arrow of lightning struck the cart, piercing straight through the other side and making the whole thing combust.

"God, please tell me Fluffles was smart enough to run," I muttered.

My best shot was to buy time. It'd mean running out the clock on my invincibility, but it'd hopefully also mean Pluto could drag his ass here to help out.

With that thought, I ran to the ocean, a literal stormfront chasing my ass.

I dove into the ocean, curving a bubble of air around my food. With water qi running through my body, I sank like a stone and allowed myself to be carried by the currents.

I passed the harbor with several boats trying to balance in the tumultuous storm. There was an unexpected number of dolphins bracing against the boats, pushing them to shore to ground them, but I had no time to admire The Deep's work.

The further I got from shore, the better.

Paying no mind to anything else in my way, I ran underwater, leaving a tremendous shockwave in my wake. It rippled out like a stone thrown into a pond, but with considerably greater force. Behind me, waves several stories high lurched and forced the ships to harbor. I doubted most would be fit to sail again.

Something rose up from the depths. I had no time to recognize it, busy as I was trying to bend purified water around me in an insulating shell.

A flash of gray met the full force of a Campione. In a fraction of a second, I was gone, leaving a stain of chunky viscera floating in the water.

I blinked. "Was… Was that a dolphin?"

I didn't have the chance to ruminate further because a salvo of lightning bolt struck the surface of the water around me. I was already far out to sea and though the water protected me, I could feel the strain of keeping the Old Thunder at bay. He had followed me out to sea, tracking the magical signature of a Campione. Even beneath the waves, hiding was impossible and I did need to breathe.

I closed my eyes. The water was beautiful but I couldn't spare the attention to admire the view. Instead, I stretched out my senses and flooded my surroundings with water qi.

I was the Jade Rabbit. With the title came her estate, her authority. Until another lunar deity said otherwise, I was the moon.

I reached out and the currents began to stir. I pulled the air directly from the water and took a deep breath.

"More," I whispered. I pushed myself to the limit, sinking every bit of water qi I could generate into the sea. It'd never have worked with Maxa'xak still alive, but he was dead. The tides answered to the moon and I commanded them to rise to my defense.

The water condensed tighter and tighter, building an unimaginable pressure that would have crushed even a nuclear submarine into a tinfoil ball. I stood there, holding that marble of water to me like a black hole.

I didn't think I could do this too often. Even with no other gods to contest my claim, holding this much pressure taxed my control to the limit.

I brandished my sword. It secreted a venom lethal to mortals, a venom that corroded magic, but I knew it wouldn't be good enough against the storm god. It was too little, too slow.

"Sleepy tea it is. God, I'm never going to stop being the King of Poison, am I?" I grumbled.

Then, I directed all of that pressure below and let go.

There was an explosion, an eruption of force comparable to a volcano. It launched me and the marble of ocean I'd claimed outward and upward until I breached the water with the titanic crack of the shattering sound barrier.

With the Fang of Starving Venom clenched in both hands, I launched for the Old Thunder's eyes.

His stormy eyes widened in shock. He could sense me below the waves, but not quite what I was doing. My newfound speed caught him by surprise as I made a beeline for his face.

"Raaahhhhh!" I let out a desperate warcry born more from the pressure in my chest than any true courage.

The water beneath me formed into a tidal wave that swept aside his cloud cover. In the surprise, he had no time to merge with the clouds and evade the attack.

I swung, my oversized saber cleaved through the bridge of his nose, scoring a cut that did not bleed. Crackling sparks shot out in lieu of blood.

He let out a howl of pain but I didn't stop. Luo Hao taught me better. There was no mercy in a battle of gods.

The waves formed into a platform beneath my feet, granting me the footing to lunge again. My fang found purchase in his eye. But even as I tore it out, his skin began to gray.

Halfway through my cut, his body became naught but wisps, leaving behind only a crackle of electricity.

"GAAHHH!" I heard him reform a mile away from me. I made to rush to him, but a dozen arrows from his children streaked towards me.

I learned my lesson the first time. Instead of blocking with a stationary bubble of pure water, I ordered the waves to weave around me at speed, taking the charge away from me. At the same time, I slashed with my sword.

As much as I loved my chef's knife, no mortal smith could match an Authority. Where metal failed, fang cleaved through the lightning arrows.

Then the battle was on.

I ran. Without the element of surprise, I could do little against what seemed like an endless rain of arrows, each one individually faster than me. It was only through Luo Hao's training that I could react in time to avoid being struck down. Even then, I was forced to take relatively minor strikes in order to avoid strikes to more vital areas.

I twisted out of the way of an arrow aimed for my throat, only to let another arrow pierce my leg.

I grunted in pain as I dropped from the sky. I transitioned the fall into a forward roll. I couldn't afford to stop running. I placed my weight on the leg regardless of the pain and stuffed a rice ball into my mouth.

My leg healed mid-run, but not before I was forced further from them so I could have more space to dodge.

Whirling, I cleaved an especially large lightning bolt in twain.

"Flee, abomination!" the Old Thunder roared. "Flee like the coward you are and I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!"

I said nothing; there was nothing to say here. I had no pride as a warrior because I wasn't one in the first place. No. All I could do was wait until my poison did its work. All I could do was pray that the lightning in his blood wasn't some magic bullshit that resisted fluids.

Our game of hunt the rabbit lasted another three minutes, the longest three minutes of my life. Muxumsa Pethakowe, the Old Thunder. What was there to remember about him?

The sword in my hand gleamed with barely restrained hatred. As much as I wanted to charge the storm god, it was a fool's errand. Fact was, the Horned Serpent lost. The Old Thunder was sent by the Creator to avenge the first people and chase the Horned Serpent away.

I twirled in the air in a corkscrew that any gymnast would have been proud of, contorting my body to avoid three separate arrows aimed at my vitals. At this point, it was only the distance and my control over the water keeping me in the fight.

Then I noticed it. The god began to slow. His arrows lacked the force they once had. They once struck like an unyielding stream, ready to wear holes in mountains in an unceasing barrage. Now, they were but a trickle of what they'd been.

"Coward! Poison?"

I smiled grimly. The children, I could manage. They lacked the speed of their father. Their lightning hurt, but I could read the curving strikes more easily.

I saw my chance. Stamping down on the water, I launched myself back into the sky.

Then he took his bone rattle and began to chant. "Hear the anthem of the first people. Hear and rouse from slumber, all the world, the rattles of the Herald of New Life!"

I heard the incantation and felt my heart sink to my stomach. "You've got to be fucking with me," I muttered.

Sure enough, lightning coursed through his body and I could smell the sharp uptick in ozone as he rejuvenated himself. The thunder rumbled all around me, not in a threat display, but as if to join in chorus with his shaking rattles.

Muxumsa Pethakowe wasn't strictly a storm god. The Lenape people believed he was the herald of spring, the bringer of rain and cultivator of new life. New life, as in an awakening from slumber… as in renewal of all things… including himself…

"Fuck this shit!" I roared in frustration as my entire plan fell apart around my scorched ears. The irony of poisoning a serpent but immediately failing to poison a man wasn't lost on me.

He grinned toothily as he drew back his bow again.

I'd already leapt form the sea. I was committed in a moment of perceived weakness. He fired yet another arrow, larger and faster than before. I met it as I rose, a wordless shout on my lips. A swirl of hyper-condensed qi surrounded my blade as I used it to cleave the lightning bolt.

I felt my muscles tingle and spasm as I rent the arrow to either side of me. It wasn't enough to put me down, but I couldn't continue my attack either.

With nothing for it, I was forced to divert my ascent and start running again.

As I ran, I concocted yet another plan. If pure water could protect me from lightning, then perhaps it could trap him as well.

I had very little magic left. After making a divinity-sealing sangria, deflecting hundreds of lightning bolts, rushing out to sea, controlling enough water to flood a city, and activating an Authority I'd only just acquired, I was running on fumes. Few things could exhaust a Campione, but heretic gods had the dubious honor of being on that list.

But I had to try. If I didn't, all of New York was fucked.

"God, please let this work," I prayed. To who, I didn't know. Pandora perhaps?

I scraped the last dregs of power I had and called the sea around me, forming a large water spout. I purified it as best I could and made it rise.

It rose into the air in a towering funnel that threatened to swallow him whole. The Horned Serpent had dome something similar, but with the ocean so much closer to me, I could call on more raw volume to aid me.

It rose up and engulfed the cloud, dampening and weighing it down. Pure water did not conduct electricity. With enough of it, I could potentially drown out a thunderstorm. I was hoping I had enough.

I leapt into the air, water vapor condensing beneath my feet to form a set of stairs for me. My fang hungered as ever and the shockwaves from every footstep formed a crater in the water's surface.

But it wasn't enough. The lesser elementals were washed away, but just when I'd gotten my hopes up, I saw a flash of lightning that evaporated much of the water. The purity of the water meant little if he could simply overheat it all into steam.

It didn't hold him, but the water spout did give me a smokescreen to hide my movements. This time, I aimed my fang straight for his heart.

But even despite that he was fast enough to avoid a killing blow. He raised his hand to guard.

My fang ripped straight between his fingers and down the hand until it ripped the bone rattle from his wrist.

He let out a shout of pain but slapped me down into the sea.

I crashed into the water. I remembered hearing once that water could be just as hard as cement. I could now confirm personally that it was true. I landed cradling my lunchbox to my chest like a holy artifact.

I let out a pained cry as I felt my bones shatter. My scream turned to gargles as bone slivers ripped through my lungs. That not one bone sliver pierced through my skin was a testament to the near invincibility of a Campione's skin.

And still I could not die.

I refused to die.

Even as blood flooded my lungs, the waves swept me away. With shaking hands, I grabbed a rice ball and jammed it into my mouth.

He saw me this time.

"Foolish glutton," he thundered. "Do you believe another life will be enough to face me?"

My heart froze in terror as he disregarded his mangled hand. On the plus side, it seemed that without his restorative Authority, he couldn't regenerate from my cuts. On the down side, it didn't keep him from drawing his bow.

With an arrow clutched in teeth made of obsidian clouds, he took aim.

I tried to swallow, to move, to command the waves to shield me. Anything, anything at all, but I knew in my heart that it wouldn't be enough. I was spent, completely and utterly.

"Shit, is this how I go out?" I wondered.

I looked on as he loosed his final arrow. It was larger than all the rest and I had to admit to myself that there was a haunting beauty in it. Straight out of fantasy, it wasn't a terrible way to go, I figured.

Then, I felt fangs tear into my arm before dragging me along like a floppy doll.

"Your time is not now!" it roared.

Bleary-eyed, I looked up to see a jaguar, far larger than any mundane cat had any right to be, as if running on water wasn't a big enough clue.

The lightning arrow missed by the skin of my teeth; I could still feel it singing the tips of my ears.

Then, the jaguar threw me down and shifted into a familiar figure. I'd never met him in person before, but the insectoid, almost cricket-like mask and ridiculous cape was easily recognizable: John Pluto Smith.

My brother had arrived.

"Can you stand, my friend?" he spoke. His voice was deep and masculine, though there was a small distortive effect from his mask.

I swallowed the rice ball and felt my wounds close. "About fucking time, Pluto. What took you?"

"The fae roads meander and even I cannot claim to be their undisputed master."

"Fuck… You got lost?" I asked incredulously.

"I did not get lost!" he shouted. "The roads are ever-changing!"

"You! Another abomination? I will slay you both!" the Old Thunder shouted.

"Right. That's the Old Thunder from Lenape myth," I rattled out. I ignored him in favor of imparting as much information as I could. Luo Hao had beaten it into me that talking wasn't a free action. "Lightning arrows. Minion creation. Healing Authority with a bone rattle."

Pluto rose, floating in the air against the storm god. In that moment, as I looked up at his back, I understood. I understood why so many people looked up to superheroes.

"Can you still fight, Seventh?" he questioned.

I got up on shaky legs. Authority-backed restorative or not, Campione constitution or not, getting struck by dozens of lightning bolts and then pile driven into the ocean at greater than terminal velocity fucking hurt like a bitch, damnit!

Still, I plunged my sword into the sea and treated it like solid ground. I leaned on the hilt and growled, "Fucker destroyed my snack cart. He might have killed my bunny too. He dies."

"As you wish, Seventh," John Pluto Smith said.

"He's been poisoned again. If he calls his rattle to him, he's trying to heal. Don't let him."

"Understood."

"One or two it doesn't matter. I am the Old Thunder! I am the Herald of Spring! I will not be brought low by abominations!" the storm god roared. Cloudlike growths separated from his body as he called more of his subordinate elementals.

Then, for a third time, the battle started anew.

I wished dearly that I knew more about Pluto. As far as I could recall of Yinghua's dossiers, he was a ranged fighter and shapeshifter most famous for his defeat of some kind of Aztec god. He also slew Artemis and received her arrows, which made him a stellar marksman.

With nothing else to go by, I decided that the best way to be useful right now was to buy him time. I climbed into the sky and interposed myself in front of the hero as yet another salvo of lightning streamed towards me.

Behind me, I heard him begin to chant. Authority or spell I didn't know, but I wouldn't let him be interrupted.

My body had been improving, getting used to the speed of their attacks. I cleaved one arrow as it threatened to strike my head. A second nearly took my shoulder but I twisted out of the way knowing it wouldn't hit Pluto below. Then a third streaked for my chest but I slapped it aside with the hilt of my sword.

"Dodge!" I heard him shout.

From below, three laser beams shot out from a revolver in his hand. They lanced up towards the Old Thunder. One struck his chest but I didn't think he even had lungs to worry about in the first place. He howled in pain even as he phased through the second and third.

"Shit, don't you have some killer finishing move?" I yelled down at him. I ran up into the sky and cleaved two of the cloud-men in half.

"The rain is an adequate sacrifice, yes. It threatens to harm me as well."

"I can heal you!"

"Very well, Seventh. I entrust myself to you. For annihilation I count the number of my great works — I am the axe of the night that summons termination, lowering the final curtain for the world's destruction, the messenger from hell! Flames of Annihilation!"

Then I got to witness someone else's Authority for the first time. The ambient temperature skyrocketed as the very ocean boiled beneath his feet. The rain stopped, sizzling before a single drop could land.

Pitch black flames surrounded his feet before rising to engulf the heroic Campione. He rose into the sky like a miniature sun and let off blazing winds that banished the clouds.

"No! What is this?" the Old Thunder cried as his very body began to be blown away.

"I am the sun. You are the clouds. I do not believe a deeper explanation is necessary," Pluto declared, as bombastic as ever. "Yet this from requires a sacrifice, rain that you have been all too eager to share."

"You! Die, abomination!"

"Mine is the ax of the night! Mine is the light of the sun! What is a storm before me!"

So saying, he formed the black flames in his hands into a large ax before rushing towards the heretic god.

The very sky ignited at his passing. The noonday sun seemed to resonate with his Authority as solar winds scorched the ocean. I watched him swing his axes in a dizzying pattern, striking down arrow after arrow.

Their brief stalemate did not last. The Old Thunder was losing steam as his clouds were eaten away and the poison in his body took effect.

When the rest of the elementals tried to assist him, I struck them down. My fang flashed like a cobra's as I cut through them with ease. I'd gotten my third? fourth? wind. Without their master to guide them, the cloud-men were sluggish compared to an enraged Campione.

Then, with a final shriek of agony, it was over.

The storm god died with the last of his thunderclouds.

With no enemies in sight, Pluto's flames faded as well, leaving his costume scorched and melted. I didn't doubt that the costume was heavily magical, but it couldn't be expected to stand up to an Authority of that caliber, especially not one from an evident sun god.

Exhausted, I sank into the water and floated along the gentle waves. It felt amazing, nice and toasty thanks to Pluto's flames.

He descended and I offered the man my lunchbox. "Rice ball?"

He stared at me and I wondered what I must have looked like. I was probably covered in soot, buck naked, and floating along in the ocean. I had a thermos, a lunchbox, a chef's knife, and the largest fang-sword in the world.

I'd also offered him a rice ball.

"I do not understand."

"It's a victory rice ball. I promise it's great."

"I'm sorry, I am not hungry," he said, speaking slowly like one does to particularly dim-witted children.

"Authority. It heals you."

"Ah, why didn't you say so?" He took it in hand and turned around before removing his mask and biting into it. "Mmmm! It's superb! The flavors! The texture! You are an artist, Seventh!"

"You're really serious about the mask, huh?"

"Of course! I am a hero! The mask is proof of my solemn vow to fight for truth and justice! I apologize, but I cannot remove it for anyone!"

"Right… Let's just… go…"

"Yes, I believe it is time to go, before the Seven arrive."

I looked at him, confused by his answer. "The Seven? As in the 'greatest heroes in the world?' Why would we avoid them?"

"Because they're pompous blowhards," I heard him grumble under his breath. I arched a questioning eyebrow and gestured vaguely to my ears. He let out an awkward cough. "Ah… Enhanced hearing?"

"No, but they're extra fluffy," I snarked. "Aren't you all heroes?"

"They are heroes," he said, though it sounded like he was admitting it very grudgingly. "I will say no more, Seventh. I do not wish to spoil your opinion of them."

"Fair enough. You can call me Tianyu by the way. Calling me 'Seventh' sounds silly." I hopped out of the sea and started strolling back towards New York. "Coming? Let's go get dinner. That rice ball can't be nearly enough for you, right?"

"Ah… As flattering as that is, I must disappoint you, Tianyu. The heroic life gives little time for romantic pursuits."

"What?"

"Yes. My first love is justice! My passion is truth! It is my joy to defend the smiles of the innocent!"

I cradled my burning face in my hands. How did anyone deal with this guy? Then again, a naked bunnyboy just asked him out to dinner. He… wasn't unreasonable to assume I was propositioning him…

"Definitely wasn't what I meant, Pluto. I thought we should have a victory dinner, and talk about what it means to be a Campione."

"Ah, you have some questions about being a Campione?" He handed me his cape.

I nodded and threw it on. It… wasn't really helping. Instead of a naked bunnyboy running on the surface of the water, I now looked like a shady streaker exhibitionist, the kind not allowed near elementary schools for showing kids his "carrot."

I sighed and resigned myself to the look. "Well, I had a chat with Luo Hao already, but she's very secluded from the rest of the world since her main passion is martial arts. i figured getting the perspective of a king who was more involved wouldn't be a bad thing. How 'bout it? There's some awesome food in it for you if you come."

"That does sound reasonable, but alas, there are other pressing matters I cannot avoid," he said apologetically. "Do you mind if I send an assistant? She is my personal secretary and has been with me since the very beginning. I assure you that she speaks with my voice and can inform you of anything you desire."

I hummed. On one hand, had he wanted to send an assistant to a meeting with Luo Hao, my dear fiance would probably return him her head for the perceived insult. On the other hand, Pluto likely was telling the truth. His pulse did not change at all. A hero like him probably did have better things to do than sit around and be my personal exposition-dump.

Was-Was he testing me? Gauging my personality?

I shrugged. In a way, I understood. I wasn't my fiance though. I had no sense of nobility or privilege that came with my station. Above all else, I was a chef and a chef fed people. Who said people were mattered little.

"Ah, I understand. I'm sure you're a busy man. Please send your secretary. Oh, and let me know what her favorite foods are and if she has any allergies to consider."

"Thank you for your consideration," he said. "Now, we should make ourselves scarce before the Seven arrive."

So saying, we began to run towards the New York skyline. Mid-run, he wove a spell around us that shimmered like a delicate fog around us.

"A spell?"

"Yes. It is a simple field that diverts attention away from a localized area."

"Sounds useful," I hummed. I'd read that spells didn't really work on Campione, but it was a good reminder that spells to our surroundings were applicable nonetheless. Or perhaps this worked because it was a spell cast by another Campione? I didn't know. Conceptual bullshit surrounding godslayers got really confusing. "We can leave hypnosis to the SSIU, right?"

"We can. Unless you had something specific you wanted to request?"

"Like what?"

"You can choose to leave someone out of the hypnosis if you please. Or, if a certain coverup story is more convenient, I'm sure the good folks at the SSIU will accommodate you."

I thought about it. If the SSIU hypnotized everyone, the supers wouldn't have a reason to come after the naked, streaking, exhibitionist bunny with a fuck-massive carving knife.

Yes, I liked that plan. The last thing I needed was Homelander picking a fight with me for public indecency or something. I was fairly sure I could outrun his ass, but still. He surely had more important things to do than annoy me, right?

"Nah, let's leave hypnosis to the professionals. However they choose to handle it, I'll be fine with. Just make sure there are no videos of bunnyboys running around naked."

"That is sensible. I take it you do not normally fight in the nude?"

"Oh, you know. I just love the feel of the ocean breeze caressing my nads," I deadpanned. "Of course not. I let myself get swallowed by a giant snake and the stomach acid burned off my clothes."

"You… let yourself be eaten?"

"Yeah, there were two gods, didn't you hear? What do you think happened to the first one?"

"I see… I'd heard but… That is certainly a creative way to deal with one… You'll have to forgive me if I make no attempt to replicate the feat."

"You think I enjoyed that?" I huffed. "I couldn't think of another way to fight one without interference from the other."

"Ingenious, if unsanitary. You are a man of many talents, Tianyu."

"Just… Just shut up. Please. I just want to check up on my bunny."

"Your familiar?"

"You could say that." We hopped onto the Port Authority roof then used it as a springboard to race across the skyline. "That fucker zapped my cart and I don't know if she was still beneath it."

"I see. My condolences, but this is where I leave you. Please expect contact from Annie Charlton."

"Yeah, you take care, Pluto. You want your cape back?"

"I… I will do without for now…"

X

The cart was a wreck. My vengeance was swift, so swift that the fire had yet to go out. But looking at it again, I couldn't suppress a burning rage in my chest. I wanted to march straight to the Netherworld so I could find that fucker and kill him again.

"You were a good bunny, Don Fluffles," I sniffed. She was, despite all the shit she gave me. The granny who gave her to me said she'd be my lucky charm, and she was. "I'm going to miss you."

"Oi, don't go killing me off, you shitty master," I heard behind me. I turned around to see her hop out from behind a shrub.

"Don Fluffles?"

"Who the fuck else? You think I'm going to just sit there and watch while you lead a motherfucking heretic god my way? Fuck no! And fuck you! I almost got fried!"

"Don Fluffles!" I yelled. I snatched her up and buried my face in her fur. "You're alive!"

"Fuck you! You almost got me killed!" she yelled back. I felt teeth on my ear but I didn't mind. My bunny was back.

"You get all the bunny treats," I promised. "I'm sorry, I really needed to get the rice balls and tea."

"I fucking better. Alfalfa hay. With strawberries. And sage and rosemary sprigs. Got it?"

"Of course," I laughed. "Being a godslayer's familiar's got to be good for something."

"Damn fucking straight."

I placed Don Fluffles on my shoulder and began to poke around my cart. It was so thoroughly ruined that I couldn't find a single thing worth salvaging. Interestingly enough, my cart still smelled faintly of burnt lobster and taokoyaki batter, the menu items I'd intended to make for lunch. Unfortunately, the divine lightning was so powerful that there none of it remained edible.

"Well, shit's fucked," I said with a sigh.

"Yeah, your fiance is going to murder you, you know that, right?" Fluffles said with a gleeful smirk. "Hasn't even been three days and you somehow blow up your cart."

"She won't… I think… It's not like the cart was enchanted or anything…"

"Maybe. Maybe not. I look forward to finding out."

"You're such a brat."

"And you love me anyway."

"Smug hairball."

"Furry exhibitionist."

"Oi!"

I stood in front of the cart, bickering with my pet rabbit. I was just happy to have her back. She grew on me. I was so happy trading barbs with her that I didn't notice someone approach.

"Sir?" came a masculine voice.

I turned around to find a tall man in a tailored black suit and sky-blue tie. He wore a long overcoat draped over his shoulders and a top hat that would have looked ridiculous on absolutely anyone else but somehow fit him.

"Is… Is that a pigeon?" I asked, baffled. Other than Don Fluffles, that was the very first familiar I'd ever seen.

"Hattori, sir," he said. "Hattori is my familiar. My name is Robbert Verlucci, one of the Field Executives of the SSIU. I am in charge of handling the coverup here and wanted to greet you personally."

"Ah, thanks. Nice to meet you too. Is Fortuna alright?"

"Agent Hebert ensured her family was evacuated and is expected to return the day after tomorrow. Unless you'd like to see her sooner?"

"No, let her have her time off," I said, shaking my head. He nodded with a pleased smile and I realized I'd passed yet another test of sorts. I understood, but having everyone step on eggshells around me or try to gauge the personality of the newest walking nuke was getting a bit tiring.

"As you please, sir. Was there anything we could help with?"

"No, I'm sure you're all busy people. How long do you think it'll take for the city to be back in one piece?"

"Thanks to you defeating the first heretic god in five minutes then leading the second out to sea, the damage is far more manageable than one might expect." He pulled his hat off his head and bowed from the waist. "Thank you for your efforts, sir."

"N-No problem," I stammered. I wasn't used to being thanked like this. "So how long?"

"The power will be on by tomorrow. We will work around the clock to erase signs of obvious damage, but roadwork and infrastructure repair is expected to take another few days."

"That's faster than I was expecting."

"Magic is very convenient, sir."

I was starting to get curious now. "How do you handle security footage and whatnot?"

"Through judicious use of hypnosis, sir. We create a magical field that makes people regard any tapes from a set timeframe as irrelevant. They then go on to delete it for us."

"Huh, so it's something akin to the ignore-me field Pluto cast on us on the way back."

"Yes, sir."

"That's brilliant. I'm impressed." I then realized I was still in nothing but Puto's cape. "Ah, can you point me somewhere where I can get some new clothes? I don't mind paying."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Of course, sir. I'm sure we can find something in your size."

"And a new snack cart?"

It spoke volumes about the man that he nodded, completely unfazed by the request. I wondered if he was used to indulging the obsessions of the other American Campione. "Of course, sir. We can provide something a little sturdier than a snack cart. Perhaps something magical."

"You can do that?"

"We can, though it may take some time and require some input from you as to just what kind of enchantments you want."

"I see. That would be amazing. Clothes first though?"

"Clothes first, sir," he said with a chuckle.

I followed Rob to a seemingly unremarkable office building. It looked completely normal on the outside with the sole exception of tinted windows, but I could feel the buzz of magic wards that layered on my person like a spiderweb.

It literally felt like a spiderweb, the faintest, most delicate touch that could break with a single careless shrug. Remembering what Luo Hao told me about Campione and magic, I did my best to rein in my power. I didn't want them to have to reconstruct their entire magical defenses just because I sneezed or something.

We drew more than our share of attention at the office. Rob, because he was the head honcho here. Me, because I was dressed like a child predator and had very noticeable bunny ears on my head. In the magical world, that was apparently coming to mean a lot more than whatever belonged on Playboy centerfolds.

He had some poor sap grab me some socks and underwear before handing me an SSIU uniform. Turned out, the business formal look wasn't unique to Fortuna and Robert. Everyone dressed like they were part of Men in Black, which in hindsight, they effectively were.

With the suit came a phone filled with contacts for various services in the SSIU. Chief among them was of course Fortuna's number.

"The shirt is temperature regulated and the jacket and pants are magically reinforced. They won't stand up to a heretic god, but they're better than anything humans can make normally."

"Thank you, Rob," I said sincerely. "You've been very helpful."

"Of course, sir. Was there anything else you needed?"

"Well… John Pluto Smith and I had a chat. He said he'd send over his assistant so we could hash things out between us? Someone by the name of Annie Charlton?"

He looked like he'd sucked on a lemon. "Ah, Miss Charlton, of course."

"You two have a problem with each other?"

"No, of course not. She is a highly professional analyst from our Los Angeles branch and acts as the special liaison to Sir Smith."

"Then why the pinched face?"

"It is not my place to say, sir. Please forgive me."

I waved him off. "Then forget I asked. Anyway, she's going to be dropping by though I don't know exactly when. I'd like to prepare a meal for her if you don't mind. Is there any way I can get access to a kitchen?"

"Say no more, sir."

X

"Fluffles?"

"Yo."

"I asked for a kitchen, right? I didn't misspeak?"

"Yup."

"How the hell did he hear '$46 million penthouse on Central Park West?'" I demanded, exasperated.

She hopped down and raced to the window. "Ehh, you're a Campione. Get used to it. Besides, it's got a kitchen, right? What's the problem?"

I sighed. Rob Verlucci was clearly a man of extreme competence, but I really would've been happy with another food truck or something. "Whatever. Let's get to work."

I picked up the phone and dialed Miss Charlton. The phone rang twice before she picked up. "Hello? This is Annie Charlton speaking."

She sounded very placid, the kind of unflappable calm that came with being an experienced mage, or perhaps a Campione's secretary. Both Yinghua and Fortuna had the tone too. "Hi, Miss Charlton, my name is Tianyu."

"Hello, sir. I heard from Sir Smith about our arrangement. I will be in New York for dinner. Thank you again for hosting me."

"No, if anything, I should be the one thanking you. I heard from Verlucci that you work in LA. I'm surprised you can get out here so fast."

"Magic," she said as though that explained everything. To be fair, it probably did.

"I see. Do you mind if we have a late dinner? I'm going to be working for a while at a local soup kitchen."

"You?" She asked in surprise. I chose to not take offense.

"I'm a chef," I said dryly. "Where else would I be? Hunger is the enemy!"

"Of course, sir. I can be there at 10 PM if that's fine with you."

"It doesn't have to be that late, you know."

"That is 7 PM in California. It might work out better for me actually."

"Ah, in that case, ten sounds perfect. Thank you for understanding."

"It is my pleasure, sir."

"Just send me a text of what you want for dinner and I can make it happen."

"Of course, sir. I'll look forward to it."

So saying, she hung up. She wasn't rude per se, but she was very curt. She seemed like the exact opposite of the bombastic hero and I wondered how the two came to know each other. Were they siblings? Husband and wife? Or perhaps a trusted protoge? He clearly trusted her greatly if she had the authority to speak on his behalf before another Campione.

I resolved to make it a dinner she'd remember.

X

After the call, I took stock of my new kitchen and found that someone had filled it with everything any good home chef might need. Clearly, Verlucci had someone on staff who followed the cooking dao!

I snickered to myself. I couldn't even think that without laughing; I had no idea how Luo Hao said stuff like that on the regular.

Different times and cultures, I supposed.

I gave Verlucci another call and got the location of a soup kitchen. It was apparently famous, both for being the first of its kind in America and also for being featured in Seinfeld. It took him a mere ten minutes to arrange for my work there.

When I arrived, a handful of mages greeted me at the door. They were apparently there to create a hypnosis field so no one would question my actions. As long as I prepared food, everyone on staff was made to treat me like their senior, to follow my instructions, and to otherwise ignore anything strange they saw from me.

Bullshit. Magic was pure bullshit.

I kind of wanted to learn it for myself, truth be told. Perhaps another time.

I stepped into the kitchen, put on an apron, and began to cook.

I looked over what the soup kitchen had. It was admittedly a far cry from what I could have access to with a single phone call, not even a restaurant, really. The whole place was set up to make soup and nothing else, to feed as many people as possible, as quickly as posisble.

That was fine, perfect for the occasion.

I got to work dicing several whole chickens and tossed them into a set of giant soup pots to brown. Then I prepped the mirepoix, a mix of carrots, onions, and celery common to much of French cooking, particularly in stews. My fingers were a blur and my treasured chef's knife flashed through the air so swiftly that even the likes of Yinghua would have had trouble following my movements.

Around me, I saw several line cooks gape at my speed. "Holy shit…"

"What the hell are you looking at? See those potatoes? Peel them!" I roared at him. The kitchen was no place for slackers. I gestured to all six of them. "All of you! Six of you better be able to keep up with one of me, got it?"

They leapt into action, panic and purpose driving them. It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized I'd let off a hint of my magic. It wasn't enough to truly harm, but they must have felt like they'd stepped on their own graves for a moment, a chilling fear like they were before an apex predator.

I groaned inwardly. Was this part of the obsession everyone talked about?

After giving the chicken four minutes on high heat to brown, I took it out and tossed in my vegetable medley to saute in the chicken fat. As I prepped each pot, I dragged one of the line cooks out of line and handed them a wooden spatula before telling them to keep stirring. They weren't to let a single pot burn.

While they did that, I took over for them, peeling and dicing potatoes like an industrial chopper.

After the potatoes came the soup stock. Gallons upon gallons of chicken stock went into the pots. On their own, they'd likely take a good twenty minutes to come to a boil such was their volume, but I channeled fire qi into my favored kitchen knife and stirred the soup until everything came up to temperature in a single minute. It was a trick I'd learned during Luo Hao's training.

In truth, this was simpler than my time on Mount Lu. There, I'd only had one or two people to act as my assistants. Granted, they were superpowered kung fu acolytes, but they still only had two hands. Having six others with me was very helpful in that regard.

When the soup was boiling, I tossed in the potatoes and began to think about what I wanted this to be. The city was in shambles, not as bad as it could have been, but there was no power and plenty of shattered infrastructure. Rescue teams, heroes, and even some villains were working together to dig people out of collapsed buildings.

If I closed my eyes and focused, I could hear the sounds of desperate people fighting for emergency staples. Four blocks away was a child asking her mom where daddy went. Two blocks south, a couple tried to figure out where they could sleep since their apartment blew up.

I knew what I wanted. Warmth. Hope. Belonging.

I couldn't help them all, not any better than the SSIU already was. Frankly, if I went out there, I feared I'd just get in the way. But… But for a single meal, could I lift their spirits? Could I remind them of their friends and family? Could I give them a reason to fight?

I reached deep into the flame within. Fire qi, the qi most commonly associated with destruction, but that didn't always need to be the case. The chef's fire was the fire of creation, the fire that cared for others.

I tossed in some sprigs of rosemary and thyme before tasting for seasoning. As I adjusted the salt content, I began my chant, "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

I leaned back, satisfied as the food absorbed my Authority. Anyone who ate this soup would feel like they belonged. They would feel an overwhelming sense of warmth, camaraderie, and optimism well up in their chest, as though they were surrounded by friends around a campfire. Simple fare, but hearty and perfect for this particular enchantment.

A mere two and a half hours later, I had 500 quarts, 125 gallons, worth of soup. Somewhere along the way, the mages had gone and picked up even more ingredients for me as they saw me running out until I finally filled every industrial-grade soup pot in the kitchen.

I was touched. I promised myself I'd do something nice for them later.

"Bring them in, boys," I called. "Then get me another pot!"

"Yes, sir!"

X

For hours, I took the lead in the kitchen and even drafted a few mages to dish out the food. Four mages in tailored black suits stood around with aprons that clashed horribly against their outfits. Half of them wore sunglasses indoors… for some reason…

Still, they made no protests as they ladled soup to both the recent and veteran homeless community.

I smiled as I watched them work. They weren't particularly talkative, probably considered this the single most ridiculous job they'd ever had, but they worked well together and no one wanted to question the scary men in suits so there wasn't much trouble from the people receiving food.

"Holy shit, how is this better than grandma's?"

"Oh, god, I think I just came a little."

"You're fucking gross, you shit."

"Hey, shut up and let me enjoy my soup!"

I'd sent one of the chefs out with $200 to acquire another pot and was languidly peeling more vegetables. More words of praise filtered through my enhanced hearing, but it was the friendly ribbing that warmed my heart. This was what a chef was, and so long as my Authority helped me make more scenes like this, I wouldn't regret becoming a Campione.

Then I heard someone walk up to the servers. No, he didn't walk, he swaggered. His was the gait of a confident man, someone who almost always got what he wanted.

"Hey, let me get another bowl, man," he said.

"I'm sorry, sir. Everyone gets one bowl." I could practically hear the plastic smile that must have been on the SSIU agent's face. She was the head of this group if I remembered right, specializing in psychometry and forensic investigation apparently. When I heard that, I felt a little bad for making her serve soup of all things. Alas, needs must.

"Yeah, yeah, everyone gets one. Look, I'm here with my little boy and the missus because some freak tossed a lightning bolt through the house. How 'bout you give me another bowl and we'll be on our way, yeah?"

"One person, one bowl, sir. Please stop holding the line."

"Hey, I get it. Your big, corpo boss wants some good PR right now. Great idea. You know who I am? I'm Translucent, of the Seven. You give me and the missus another bowl and I take a picture in front of the building, shoutout to whoever you work for."

"I promise my boss doesn't care who you are, sir. Please stop holding up the line."

"Yeah, fuckwit," a third voice came from behind Translucent. He spoke with a raspy growl that made me think of a longtime smoker. "Get the hell out of line if you got your food already!"

"Hey, hey, hey, no need for that, you goddamn crackhead. Don't start something you can't finish."

I groaned. The last thing I wanted was for them to start fighting in the middle of the line. The ones waiting in line, I could understand. They hadn't had any of my soup yet. Mr. hero though? Were they all this selfish?

I handed off my knife to the most skilled of my line cooks and stepped out of the kitchen. "Is there a problem?"

Every SSIU agent stood ramrod straight. It was the question bosses asked employees with the obvious "There better fucking not be" implied.

"Sir!" the agent arguing with Translucent yelped.

"Sir? Bunnyboy is 'sir?'" Translucent laughed. He was a smug-looking man in his mid-late thirties.

I very carefully kept my face blank, but the SSIU agent must have seen something, or had great self-preservation instincts, because she took a noticeable step to the side.

"This 'bunnyboy' is Tianyu and I am the head chef here, sir."

"Yeah, yeah. Great soup, five stars. Which company you work for?"

"I work for no-"

"No, I don't give a damn. Look, just give me another bowl and I'll get out of your hair."

I took a deep breath. Every SSIU agent took another step backwards. Slowly, I exhaled.

No. Despite appearances, Translucent was a hero. I did respect the man, to a point. I decided to try being reasonable. "Look, Mr. Translucent. You are disrupting the people actually need food. Don't you think it's beneath a hero to be harassing workers at a soup kitchen?"

He scoffed and crossed his arms. "This could all be over and done with if you just gave me some extra goddamn soup. How hard is that?"

"You are not special. You got a serving. I am already starting to run out as it is. Please leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, fluffy. you think these fucking bums are going to miss a few bowls of soup?"

A woman, about his age with a pretty if plain face, approached and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Daniel, enough. We don't need to start anything here." She then turned to face me. "The soup was delicious, mister…"

"Tianyu, ma'am. It was a pleasure to serve you."

"Oh, so the missus is 'ma'am?' Where's the fucking respect?"

"Daniel…"

"No, no no no. Look here, you fucking overgrown roadkill. I'm Translucent. You don't tell me what to do. Shit, this isn't about your piss-colored soup anymore. You. Do. Not. Tell. Translucent. What. To. Do."

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. That was it. I tried. "I have had a very trying day. First, some upjumped brat tried to steal my wallet. Then I got eaten by a giant snake. And when I stabbed it to death from its stomach, I I got chased out to sea by an angry cloud and his posse of blue men. I am going to give you five seconds to walk away before I kick your ass."

"You think I'm afraid of you?"

"Five…"

"You think Translucent is afraid of a fucking bunny?"

"Four…"

He spread out his arms in the universal language spoken by every cocky frat boy. "Come on then. Don't wait, give me your best shot."

"Three…"

"Daniel, let's-"

He shook his wife off. "No, this fucking furry reject wants to go so let's fucking go!"

"Two…"

Every SSIU agent started looking for the nearest conceivable exit. Doors. Windows. Anything to not be in the epicenter of a Campione's imminent explosion.

"I want a divorce," I heard his wife mutter, too quiet to hear under her husband's grandstanding.

"One…"

"Well fucking come on then!"

Raw magical energy wafted out of me like the heat from a nuclear reactor. To anyone remotely sensitive, it was the equivalent of having a live grenade taped to their hand. Even those who couldn't sense magic felt a forboding chill run down their backs.

I pointed to the leader of the group Verlucci lent me. "You."

"S-Sir?"

"Hypnosis. Everyone. Nothing to see here. Got it?"

"Nothing to see here, sir."

My finger switched to the others. "You lot keep serving the soup." Then the last one. "You. Go back inside and watch the soup. If it boils over, you're going in the pot. Am I clear?"

"Sir!"

As the leader of the SSIU agents began to cast, I reached out and grabbed Translucent by the shoulder. He struggled. He'd clearly received some form of combat training before. His elbow flew at my eye and a palm strike to the tip of my chin would have rattled my brain. Had I been a normal person, the follow-up elbow to the kidney and floating ribs would have done serious damage.

I smiled. Good. That made me feel a little better about this. Any respect I had for the hero went out the window the moment he used crippling strikes against a supposed civilian. Granted, I was as far from a helpless civilian as a person could be, but he sure as hell hadn't known that.

I dragged him out by the shoulder. I didn't want to disrupt the agent's spellcasting. Or worse, someone's meal.

Priorities. I had them.

Once I had him outside, I let him go, making him stumble back a few steps.

"Hey, you think you're hot shit?" he yelled, bringing his hands together in a competent boxing stance. He wasn't bad… for a fucking amateur. Even the least of Luo Hao's acolytes would have picked him apart like a child.

I sighed. "I've been nice. I've been patient. This is just pathetic. I don't even want to kick your ass anymore."

"Fuck you, I'm invincible you shit. My skin's a carbon metamaterial as hard as diamond."

He charged me and took a jab. I'd spent the morning dodging arrows made of literal lightning bolts. He was comparatively so agonizingly slow that I spent the time figuring out how many vectors I could dodge in and still leave me with a lethal counterstrike.

Nineteen, to be clear.

Luo Hao would have scolded me at the low number.

In the end, I sighed and allowed the punch to land. Truthfully, I thought he'd break his hand on my face and expected it to be punishment enough. He didn't. Apparently, his vaunted "invincibility" made him immune to his own recoil.

Six more punches followed. Then ten. Then I got bored and caught the fist aimed at my face yet again.

"Are you done?" I asked tiredly.

"You're a super."

"Did the ears not give it away?"

"You-"

"I'm sorry, I lack the time and patience to put up with you. I think my fiance would say something about Mount Tai, but well… I don't remember the idiom so…"

I raised a curled finger towards his head. Then I thought better of it. I didn't want to bother healing this idiot's brain damage. Lowering my hand, I aimed my finger straight at his sternum, the strongest point of his ribcage.

Then, with the briefest flex of earth qi, I gave my strike weight, more substance and reverb. If he wanted to claim to be invincible, fine. I didn't need to cut him to kick his ass.

How arrogant was that anyway? Who went around telling people exactly what powers they had? Even among Campione, only one person had ever voluntarily disclosed every god she'd slain, and she was Luo Hao. Not even Voban had the brass balls to do that.

With the dull whump of the sound barrier breaking, I flicked him in the sternum and felt a the satisfying crunch of bone. It felt a lot like breaking the wishbone on a chicken actually.

He flew through the air and smashed clear through a brick wall before going through yet another wall inside. He finally came to a stop buried in some office desk.

To his credit, his skin was unmarred, not that I'd been trying particularly hard. His shirt though, was completely blown off from the impact, leaving his chest exposed. There was a violet bruise spreading rapidly along his chest as the internal bleeding caught up.

He let out a weak, gargling gasp.

i groaned. "Ugh, whose office is this? I need to get this fixed… Whatever. That's what SSIU is for, I guess…"

Turning, I went right back to cooking.

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