God? Devil? Fuck that, I'm gonna be a bunny

by Fabled Webs

Or: How an American chef became a jade beauty by murdering a goddess because avocados are bad for the environment.

5. Ginger for dinner, but not in that way

I read the text sent to me and let out a sigh. It made every SSIU agent stiffen their backs and pretend to be busy, as if they could fool my senses. Rolling my eyes, I let them have their peace and went back to making even more chicken soup.

It was kind of funny how trained field agents gossiped like schoolgirls. The one who'd gone out to heal that entitled idiot, Mike apparently, was telling them about his injuries.

"… finger, seriously. I saw the indent on his sternum. That was definitely one fucking finger," I heard him whisper. "Not shatter, literally an imprint, like he pressed into Play-Doh instead of bone!"

"Shit, is he alive? Because Edgar's going to throw a hissy fit if he has to find a new 'greatest hero,'" another said.

The captain, one Amanda Shuler, scoffed. "Who cares? He fucked around with a Campione. What're we supposed to do about it? the idiot's alive, right?"

Mike nodded shakily. It was easy to tell now that I was paying attention; the frame of his sunglasses slid against his sideburns. "Ribcage shattered. Sternum still in place somehow, like the vibration traveled out without breaking it. Lungs shredded. Seriously, without magic, he would be dead"

"But he had magic. Sir Tianyu sent you. That's already more merciful than Voban would have been. Edgar can touch grass. In fact, I'm going to recommend that idiot be shuffled away and they find a new Seven anyway. No one that stupid deserves the spotlight."

"Agreed," another said, "stupidity is contagious as it is. No need to put idiots on a pedestal."

I winced. I didn't think I'd done that much damage. I'd even channeled earth qi so I could spread out the impact across his entire body like a shockwave instead of forcing a single point to bear it. Luo Hao would have called it a "gentle rebuke."

Apparently, I wasn't nearly gentle enough.

Mike had wiped his memory of the affair. As far as he or his wife would remember, his wife and son were never here. Instead, they'd had a row and he'd gone out to grab a few drinks in the city. He then drank himself into a stupor and would wake up behind a soup kitchen. Of course, every eye witness save us would recall the same.

Nothing to see here, no sir. Nothing supernatural. At. All.

I had to give it to Mike. The man could be surprisingly inventive. I supposed the imagined row with his wife and disciplinary action from Vought would have to be punishment enough for Translucent's stupidity tonight. Hypnosis in general sounded super convenient, pun intended. I wondered just what other magical arts there were out there. How much of what I saw in fantasy was actually plausible?

X

The text had been from Annie, Pluto's right hand woman. She had responded to my questions with a simple, "I'm not allergic to anything. I would be honored to dine at your table no matter what was served. Even the simple rice ball you served to my king would be sufficient."

I had a brief fling with a girl like that once, the kind that who never knew what she wanted for dinner or where she wanted to go but always seemed to find fault with my choice even after she'd given no initial input. I hoped Annie wouldn't turn out to be the same; I really did want to get along with my brother and his… woman? Were they dating?

Something to consider perhaps.

Or was she the super-polite type that didn't want to impose on a Campione? Her text gave off that air. Or maybe she didn't want to eat anything more lavish than her king had enjoyed? A sort of unspoken nod to his status above her? Pluto hadn't seemed the type to lord his status over others, but who knew what the man was like in private?

Still, I took this to mean I was free to choose, an omakase in other words. It was Japanese for "I leave it up to you," and commonly done in sushi restaurants where the executive chef served a handful of elite clientele.

I left the soup kitchen at 6:30 PM. She said she'd be by at 10 PM, leaving me with plenty of time to get something ready. The question was, what?

On one hand, I wanted to play a prank on her, serve her something outrageous since she left it to me.

On the other hand, I could knock her socks off.

Decisions… decisions…

As funny as it would be to give Don Fluffles heat resistance just so I could present a literal rabbit stew to Annie, it wasn't worth potentially giving offense. Besides, if I wanted to really impress, I'd be pushing it on time even with three hours. Quality food couldn't be rushed.

I settled on something simple, spaghetti and meatballs. With garlic bread, a white wine tomato sauce, and of course, real Parmigiano-Reggiano. Hearty, familiar, but also elevated to show of just what a master chef could do.

As an appetizer, I wanted to serve a fresh caprese salad, the easiest salad in the world to make, but also my personal favorite.

For dessert… Well, I was in Italy so I figured I should stay on brand. A wonderfully rich tiramisu would be perfect to close the evening. Normally, the dish took half an hour to prepare and three hours to soak in the fridge. I had roughly that time anyway.

I quickly took stock of my fridge and wine cellar before texting Verlucci for any ingredients I lacked. In lieu of Fortuna, he'd offered to be my contact with the SSIU. I didn't think he expected to be my gofer, but in my defense, this was an important dinner.

And the man didn't stock mascarpone cheese or ladyfinger pastries in the fridge. Though I supposed I could forgive him seeing how it was a fairly uncommon ingredient.

To start, I had to work backwards. The tiramisu needed to soak in all the coffee flavor, which meant it needed to be made first to give it time.

First up, coffee.

Italians would riot, but unless they got Doni to vouch for their nonsense, they could suck my balls. The most flavorful coffee was Turkish. Or Viet. I'd give allowances for either.

Regardless, I'd gotten plenty of practice making large batches of perfectly brewed coffee on Mount Lu so it took me mere seconds to bring an entire kettle of water to the ideal temperature with impeccably controlled application of fire qi.

When he arrived with my cheese and pastries, I handed him a warm mug of expresso as thanks.

Then, just for fun, I tossed four eggs into the air. Taking my chef's knife, I filled it with metal qi and split each egg perfectly. My qi reached out and snared the egg yolks, protecting them and keeping them whole while carrying them away on my blade's edge. The shells and whites fell perfectly into separate bowls.

"That's impressive," Verlucci drawled, raising his mug to his lips in salute.

"Thanks. I think the increased dexterity is my favorite part of ascension," I replied. "I remember back when I first started learning to bake. I couldn't even crack an egg without getting shells into the mix and mom always scolded me for being clumsy."

"Huh. Wouldn't know it seeing you now, sir."

"Well, I was eight at the time."

"Yeah, that'd do it. Sir, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why cooking? Why did you choose to cook when you could have done anything else?"

I smiled wanly. It was bittersweet thinking of it now. "Mom. She liked to cook and I wanted to spend time with her. Guess I was a bit of a mama's boy. Eventually, it rubbed off on me and I really got into it, enough that I was the one doing the cooking in our house by the time I was fifteen."

"I've seen less constructive hobbies."

"How about you? What's the deal with your pigeon?" I asked. The man was a bit of a mystery apparently, even to his own comrades.

He barked out a laugh. "Hattori? Would you believe me if I said he's a perfectly normal pigeon?"

"You're shitting me."

"Nope. He's smarter than average, but that really just means he can deliver mail. I can scry. See through his eyes, hear through his ears, that sort of thing."

"Why do you keep him on your shoulder then?"

He winked. "Everyone targets the unknown first and that means I have a chance to respond even when I'm caught by surprise. In my line of work, mind games start before you ever meet the other guy."

I mixed the yolk and mascarpone into a smooth cream before adding the egg whites. Gently but firmly, I beat the mixture into a stiff peak, making sure to not beat out all the air.

Verlucci… He was a dangerous man, I realized. He had to be, to hold authority over the supernatural sector of all of New England. I didn't doubt he had more than a few tricks up his sleeves that he hadn't told me about.

We shot the breeze for a while longer before he finished his coffee and excused himself. As for me, I soaked the ladyfingers in the expresso before layering them onto a tray. After lathering the cheese mixture, I made a second layer and dusted the whole thing off with high-quality cocoa powder.

I made a note to give the man a serving when I saw him next. I'd made plenty after all. Gingerly, I set the whole thing into the fridge so the flavors could get to know each other.

With more than three hours to spare, I then turned my attention to the meatballs.

I wanted to do something special, a classier version of the familiar comfort food, so I settled on a mix of veal, beef chuck, and lamb. I couldn't go too heavy on the lamb or the gaminess of the meat would overcrowd the other flavors so I made sure to add only about 15%. Enough to contribute a bit of depth, not enough to take center stage. A mix of bread crumbs, grated onions, and garlic joined the meat.

To the mince mix, I added some fresh herbs: oregano, thyme, sage, and rosemary for a general Italian flavor. For my personal kick, I tossed in a spoonful of smoked paprika and some diced jalapeno peppers, just enough to notice but not enough to burn. Finally, I added the slightest splash of white wine vinegar to further cut the grease and bring out the flavor of the meat.

Actually rolling the meat took only five minutes, the wonders of super-speed. Admittedly, I didn't quite control my strength and pasted the first one, but that got used as a sort of thin patty to test the heat on my pan.

Slow.

Way too slow.

Were frying pans always this slow?

I'd made enough meatballs to feed a dozen people. I didn't have time to wait.

Then I got a bright idea. I drizzled a handsome amount of olive oil onto the meatballs and made sure they were all coated before placing them on a baking sheet. Then, flaring my qi in scorching fire, I ran my hands over each of them. I rolled each meatball in hand for barely a second, leaving them with a perfectly even sear on the outside.

No imperfections. Not one side was more browned than the other.

They were completely uncooked, but that was fine. That was better done by braising slowly in the sauce anyway.

For the sauce, I used a 10 quart pot and went with a mostly traditional tomato sauce. The most basic variant couldn't be simpler.

Step one: Saute garlic. Keep tossing in the pan to prevent it from burning.

Step two: Add tomatoes. From the can was fine, but I had plenty of the best san marzano tomatoes in New York, so I saw no reason not to puree them myself.

Step three: Boil off the water. Add salt. Finish with basil.

It really was that simple. Just about the only thing I did that wasn't traditional was the inclusion of white wine from the cellar for a bit of brightness. I felt that considering the heaviness of the meatballs and tiramisu, a sauce that didn't lean too far on the rich side would be better. I also made sure to add in all the herbs I used with the meatballs so that the two would have some continuity in flavor.

By comparison, the garlic bread was simple. I roasted off more garlic, mashed them and diced herbs into some room temperature butter, and lathered them into Italian loaves cut width-wise.

Caprese was even simpler. Multi-colored heirloom tomatoes for color. Basil. Burrata cheese on top. Balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil for flavor, but kept on the side until the last moment to preserve the brightness of the vegetables.

I leaned back. The sauce was still simmering beautifully and it'd soon be time to add the meatballs. The tiramisu was in the fridge. The salad was…

"Knock it off!" I chided Fluffles, who'd snagged a sprig of basil away.

"Hey, where's the love for me, huh? You promised me all the treats."

"Well… I suppose I do have some time." I put the plateful of caprese into the fridge and turned back to my rabbit familiar. "Fine. Let's see… Fresh hay… mint… some sweet corn kernels… julienned carrots… This good?"

She thumped her hind leg against the counter. "Some strawberry puree over it. Oh! Toss in some honey too!"

"Sure, sure, you glutton."

I looked at the finished product. It looked… not bad…? Not exactly appetizing for humans, but who was I to argue?

"Yesss… Come to mama!"

"Alright, just don't shit on my counter."

"Like I would, you ass."

"Wait, want me to bless it?"

"Your Authority? Hmm…"

"You could be big, like one of those Flemish rabbits. Or maybe the size of a small pony?"

"Well… I do like being small though. You carry me everywhere."

"Glad you have your priorities straight," I drawled. "How about an elemental ability? Or maybe just durability?"

"Ooh, yeah, that'd be awesome! I won't be helpless anymore!"

I nodded. "Yeah, I know exactly what to give you. Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

I felt my Authority activate. Strength. Speed. Pure, unadulterated yang qi filled the salad. i was truly afraid for Fluffles. Until I became a Campione, she was my only real friend on an otherwise lonely journey. No. More than that. She'd lied to a goddess for my ascension.

She was my partner.

She deserved this.

I gave her a body fit for any martial artist. I gave her speed and strength to handle her own against most mortal foes. I never wanted her to survive by luck alone.

"Here," I slid the bowl forward.

"What'd you do to it?"

"Fire resistance."

"I guess that's not bad."

"Yeah. I thought so too. Infinite soup stock sounds wonderful," I said with a cheeky grin.

"Just for that, I'm shitting in your pillow," she grumbled. "Seriously, what's in it?"

"Strength. Speed. Durability. You know, basic things. We can talk about what you want more specifically later."

"Heh. Thanks, ass."

"You're welcome, emergency food supply."

The two of us fell into a comfortable silence. With an hour to spare and the table already set, I lounged on my new, luxurious sofa as Don Fluffles ate her food.

I wondered if I should enchant the food for Annie as well, but… I didn't know her. In the end, I decided to stick to a simple fire-based enchantment for warmth and comfort, not unlike what I'd done to the chicken soup. Weak. Temporary. Anything more than this felt like an overreach.

At 9:30, I handmade spaghetti noodles and wrapped them in a small nest.

At 9:57, I placed the spaghetti noodles into a boiling pot, the water of course salted like the sea. Dried noodles took roughly eight to ten minutes for al-dente texture. Fresh took only half that time at four. With a single minute to spare, the warm tomato sauce would cook them to perfection while we enjoyed the caprese, assuming she came on time.

At 9:58, I heard the elevator ding from across the hall. Out stepped a woman, or a very slim man by the sound of their footsteps. Their footsteps were light, supernaturally so. In fact, I'd only heard the like on three others before: Luo Hao, myself, and Yinghua.

This Annie Charlton was more than a secretary; she had to be at least as well-trained as my fiance's "little eagle," which was saying something. I didn't think the SSIU had magical nobility. Barring that, perhaps she was some sort of child soldier?

It'd explain her professional demeanor.

I set the spaghetti noodles and caprese salad beneath four cloches. The reveal was important after all.

She stood outside my door for a full minute before, at 10 PM on the dot, she rang the doorbell.

I rolled my eyes. That kind of punctuality was honestly a little scary. Standing, I walked to the door and welcomed her inside.

The woman who answered the door was a beautiful redhead with golden-brown eyes that reminded me of honey. I stood there and wondered if everyone in the supernatural world was naturally good-looking. If I hadn't gotten a makeover upon my ascension, I'd have been jealous.

She wore a pair of square-rimmed glasses that did nothing to detract from her appearance. If anything, they brought attention to her eyes. And though she had a placid, overly serious look, she also ticked all of the "sexy librarian" stereotypes. In her hand was a brown bag.

"Hello, you must be Annie," I said, holding the door for her. "Come in. Let's have dinner first and then we can chat."

She gave me a short bow. "My apologizes for making you postpone your evening meal, Sir Tianyu."

"Just Tianyu, please. And I'm a chef. Eating long after the dinner rush is pretty normal for me so don't worry about it."

"I see. Thank you for hosting me nonetheless." She offered me the bag. "Here, sir, a token of Sir Smith's esteem. It is a GlenDronach, aged for fifteen years in cedar."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Thank you. You didn't have to bring anything."

"Coming empty handed would be unacceptable."

"I see. Then I'll gratefully accept."

I led her to the dining room, where I'd done my best to recreate a fine dining atmosphere. A set of metal cloches hid the first course. A glass bottle of white wine and a bottle of water sat to the side; I didn't know if she was much of a drinker, though her gift implied she was.

I placed the whiskey into the liquor cabinet and sat down across from her. "Wine?"

"Yes, thank you."

I gestured to the cloches before us with a gigantic grin. I didn't get to do this often, cooking for just one other. The last time was for Luo Hao just before I left and that too had been a special experience. I wanted this one to be just as special, if in a different way. "Now, are you ready for the greatest meal you've ever tasted, Annie?"

She raised a dainty eyebrow. "Sir Smith did speak highly of your cooking skills. I would have been happy with a rice ball."

"If you really want one, you can have a few to take home. I made those for easy healing mid-battle. This, this is to really display culinary skill."

She looked back at me placidly, but I could spy the slight twinkle in her eyes. Expectation. Anticipation. Excellent. "Then I look forward to it, sir."

"Well, the main course comes later. First, the appetizer. BEHOLD!"

"A caprese salad." She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was somewhat disappointed. Fair enough, it was a simple dish that even a child could put together. "It goes well with the wine, sir."

I grinned. "It does, but don't worry, anticipation for the main course is important."

"As you say."

She raised a forkful into her mouth. She'd made sure to get a bit of everything. Basil, tomato, and burrata.

I smiled and watched, ears twitching as she began to chew.

"Mmph!"

"How is it?" I asked teasingly.

"I-It's delicious."

"A good chef can use simple ingredients and still make them shine."

"A-As you say, sir."

I started to eat too. My ears twitched happily as I took in all her slight sounds of appreciation. They were the perfect garnish to an already incredible salad.

By the time she'd finished the appetizer, she had already gone through two glasses of white wine. I'd gone with an imported chardonnay from Italy. The grape variety originated from the Burgundy region of France, but were commonly found all over Europe's wine-country. It was the most popular white wine in the world, though this particular bottle was obviously of higher quality.

Naturally dry, it paired well with a lighter, brighter salad like a caprese, something Annie seemed more than happy with.

She finished and scraped at the empty plate before her brain caught up with her hand. She then coughed awkwardly and placed her fork on the table before staring longingly at the kitchen island where she could see the cloches containing the main course.

"That was excellent, sir. I think I would be happy with the salad and wine alone," she said with a slight flush to her cheeks. Was she a lightweight Either way, I shrugged it off and decided to enjoy the praise. She seemed much more approachable now.

I grinned happily as I stood and retrieved our main course for the night. This was what I lived for. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now, are you ready to be blown away?"

"You are a phenomenal chef, sir. I'm sure whatever it is will be delightful."

"Good! Now you understand the virtue of the culinary dao! Now your eyes have been opened! BEHOLD! And witness Mount Tai!" I yelled as I took away the cloches.

Perfect. Everything was perfect. From the sheen of freshly made noodles to the springy way they bounced thanks to my timing. They'd come out of the water slightly undercooked because I knew they'd sit in a metal bell for a bit. The warmth of the tomato sauce had steamed them to perfection during our wait.

The meatballs were braised to perfection and charred on the outside with my fire qi. The sauce glistened and I knew it'd be an excellent blend of rich, meaty flavor mixed with the bright and herby tomatoes.

Over the top, I tossed a few leaves of basil for garnish and presented her with a wooden board of Parmigiano-Reggiano.

I laughed as her golden eyes shone with eagerness. "Let me know how much cheese you want."

"A-Ah, yes, Tianyu!"

I rolled my eyes goodnaturedly. I was finally "Tianyu" instead of "sir." Food truly was the great equalizer. Like any amateur, she tried to put in enough cheese to turn the sauce into sand.

Like the magnanimous sage I was, I decided to enlighten her. "Nope, that's all you're getting. This isn't parmesan. This is Parmigiano-Reggiano, and it's got a much stronger, nuttier taste. A little goes a long way."

"Okay."

She moved to pour herself a third glass of white and I stopped her there too. I almost couldn't hold in my laughter when I took away the chardonnay bottle. She looked like she was on the verge of pouting, but just barely stopped herself, her professionalism kicking in.

She needn't have worried. Budding alcoholic or no, I'd already resolved to spoil her rotten tonight. Instead of the white, I brought out a bottle of pinot noir.

"Classic red," I told her. "It's meant to be paired with heavier dishes. Trust me, the chardonnay is too dry for this."

"As you say," she replied shyly. She couldn't fool me though. I already saw her lick her lips.

"There. Now we're ready. Go on, eat."

"Yes!" She took an entire meatball and crammed it into her mouth before letting out a nearly pornographic moan. "Mnnnnn~"

"So, how is it?

"This is the best thing I've ever put in my mouth."

"That good, huh?"

"You must have a cooking Authority. There is no other explanation."

I laughed. "I don't, actually. My Authority can be applied to cooking, but I don't use it to enhance the flavor. Mostly, I use it for magical effects like healing. This? This is all skill."

We stopped talking to enjoy the meal. Another three glasses of wine went down Annie's insatiable gullet. I was starting to wonder if Pluto's assistant had a bit of a drinking problem. Or she was a social drinker.

By unspoken agreement, we decided to hold off on talking about any business between myself and her boss until after the main course. Instead, she regaled me with some of Pluto's past missions. Thanks to the large concentration of Campione in Europe and the Near-East, several divine ancestors chose to leave the old world to the Americas.

Here, they'd formed cults of their own and many took after the local tradition in order to synchronize themselves with the faith of their worshipers. Which, in the case of Inca, Maya, and Aztec tradition, meant human sacrifice.

Pluto spent much of his time hunting them down. While they were incapable of matching him in force, he was only one man and they scattered like cockroaches. I found myself respecting my bombastic brother more now that I knew just what he was dealing with.

Eventually, dinner came and went.

Annie slid her plate to the center of the table with a satisfied sigh. Her formerly immaculate appearance was somewhat disheveled now. She'd abandoned her tie halfway through and there was some spaghetti sauce on her shirt. In hindsight, I should have offered her a tablecloth, but I chose to take that to be proof of how much she enjoyed my food.

Besides, there was probably some spell to make dry cleaning easier. That sounded like the kind of thing SSIU agents would all know by necessity.

"That was superb, Tianyu," she said with a happy smile.

"Not done. No journey into the culinary dao is complete without dessert!" I cried.

"I feel full though." She looked truly regretful at that.

"Even for homemade, traditional tiramisu?"

"Ah… I… One wouldn't hurt…"

"Excellent! Let's retire to the living room. We can chat more comfortably there. Feel free to just nibble at it if you can't finish the slice," I told her. Food waste was a sin, but making your customer unnecessarily overburdened was a greater sin.

X

The living room was just as luxurious as the kitchen and dining area. Really, I had no idea what Verlucci was thinking. This was obviously more space than I could possibly need on my own. It wasn't like I was going to throw any parties.

No, I knew exactly what he was thinking: Appease the new walking WMD.

Unnecessary, but understandable.

I led Annie into the corner of the expansive couch, where we could sit closer together without being completely shoulder-to-shoulder. There, I placed a plate of tiramisu before her. By now, the coffee had soaked completely into the ladyfingers and the mascarpone cream had set somewhat from the chill, giving it a creamy texture that still held its shape despite the irregular pastry.

Instead of a wine pairing, I decided to present some of the expresso I'd made already. I knew the bitter taste of the coffee would complement the sweet dessert.

"Oh, my…"

"Go on," I said proudly, "try it."

"Thank you, Tianyu. You spoil me."

"That's the plan."

She took a bite and grinned like a loon. As she let out a sigh of happiness, I knew my nefarious plan to win over Pluto's assistant was a smashing success.

Annie looked positively delighted, savoring every bite of the coffee-soaked treat with the kind of eagerness I'd only seen on a starving man presented with food for the first time in a week. She moaned happily as she stuffed her cheeks, a faint dusting of cocoa powder covering her lips. She raised her mug of expresso to wash it down and let out a contented sigh.

As much as I wanted to bask in the light of someone enjoying my cooking, i did need to ply her for questions. It was already 11 PM.

"So, Annie," I began, "tell me about your job. What's it like being Pluto's right hand?"

She wiped her lips on a napkin. "It's quite nice, really. It's not nearly as demanding as people seem to think. I'm a graduate student at Samantha University in Los Angeles and I have plenty of time to pursue my own studies."

"Oh, is that common? Being both an SSIU agent and going to college."

"No, not really. Most of the time, people choose one or the other, or get recruited into the SSIU after college. I just happen to meet Sir Smith."

"Ah, I see." One more mark for her being related to him somehow. "What do you do as his second in command exactly? The SSIU attached someone named Fortuna to me, but so far, I've mostly made her help me with my cooking. Oh, and I dressed her up in a bunny suit to attract customers."

She let out a scandalized snort. "B-Bunny suit? You made a field agent dress up as a bunnygirl?"

I rolled my eyes and showed her a picture. "Not that kind of bunny suit. Actually, I told her to grab one just to see how far she'd go to obey me because she seemed so serious, but then she came out dressed like this. See?"

"Pffftttt! Hahahahahaha! That's hilarious!"

"Yup. That's Fortuna," I said with a fond smile. "She's got a sense of humor under all that stuffy corporate wage-slave look all you SSIU agents have going on."

"C-Corporate wage-slave? Excuse me for dressing with some class," she sniffed.

"So anyway, what do you do for Pluto? I've accepted that I'm not really a normal Campione, but I want to know how my brother behaves."

"Oh! I do all sorts of things. I specialize in forensic analysis and work in the lab at Samantha U to date and track magical artifacts. By doing so, I can help estimate which heretic god a cult is trying to summon, where they likely got the relic, and where they might be located. To a lesser extent, I also act as Sir Smith's primary contact with the SSIU and lesser mage associations across the Americas."

"Woah, that's impressive. So you're the woman behind the chair then. How do you feel about Pluto having a superhero image then? Do you think he'd be more effective if he stopped trying to be a superhero and instead focused on stopping the cults?"

She frowned. "I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, sir. They don't get in the way of each other. In fact, I think one could argue that inspiring others and being a beacon of hope turns people from chaotic and self-destructive behaviors."

"Like joining a cult."

"Precisely! It's not as though he is just prancing around flamboyantly and ignoring threats. His impact as a hero cannot be quantifiably measured, but that does not mean said impact does not exist," she spoke passionately. She clearly cared deeply for Pluto and shared his vision.

I smiled gently at her. "I'm envious of my brother," I said honestly. No one wanted to be alone, but those with power almost always found themselves so. "I'm jealous because he has an assistant who believes in his vision so passionately."

"T-Thank you, Tianyu," she stammered despite her best efforts. Her face turned a neon crimson, almost as dark as her hair. A woman unused to compliments, how cute.

"I'm only being honest. I wonder, what did he do to get someone like you?"

"W-We are friends. He is like an older brother I admire…"

"Hoh? So you know what he's like out of costume then?"

"He is…" She gained a somewhat spacey look as her thoughts began to drift to old memories. "I-I cannot say, I'm sorry."

"Classified?"

"Classified," she nodded, resolute.

"Fine, fine," I laughed and ate a spoonful of my tiramisu. It really was delightful. Soft and airy, sweet and rich, an excellent coffee aroma without being bitter. I'd really outdone myself.

"Tianyu?"

"Yes, Annie?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why all this?"

"Hmm?"

"This wonderful dinner. Preparing it so late just to match the Pacific Standard Time. Why do this for me? I'm no one special."

I blinked. "You know, I think you're very special. Pluto must think so too, or he would never have sent you to speak on his behalf. Although if I have to be honest, I'll admit that I would have done this no matter who he sent.

"First, it's about respect. My brother trusts you enough to speak for him. That must mean you are highly trusted. If he respects your opinion enough to send you, then shouldn't I also?

"Second, it's about me. I am a chef. Even more than being a Campione, I am a chef. I love cooking as much as Pluto loves being a hero or Luo Hao loves martial arts. It's my passion. To host a guest and allow her to leave hungry? I'd rather cut off my own thumbs."

"I-I see," she spoke into her expresso mug. The steam rose to caress her rosy cheeks as she mulled over my response. "T-Then is it true that you and her eminence are…"

"Hah!" I let out a bark of laughter. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? Am I really that hideous?"

"N-No! That's not it! You're very cute!"

I quirked an eyebrow. My ears swayed side to side with pleasure. Sure, I had no romantic interest in Annie, but she was still a beautiful woman. "Cute, huh? Could these ears have something to do with your opinion?"

"I… You… Hauu…"

"Haha, relax, Annie. I'm just teasing. But yes, Luo Hao and I are engaged."

"Oh, I see…" she looked oddly disappointed at that.

The two of us lapsed into silence. Before things could get too awkward, I decided to introduce a different topic.

I thought about my interaction with Translucent today. As things stood, no matter how minor, I did act out in another king's territory. I figured it'd be best to tell her straight and ask Annie how she thought Pluto might react. "Say, Annie."

"Yes?"

"Pluto is a hero, right? How often does he meet the Seven?"

Judging by the way her nose scrunched as if she'd smelled something foul, those interactions were anything but positive. "Rarely, and thank the gods for that."

"I take it you're not a fan?"

"They are… They are like unpleasant coworkers if that makes any sense."

"Kind of? I've only met The Deep and Translucent. The Deep was kind of underwhelming, but I'm probably biased because I'm a Campione. Translucent was a dick."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I met him today while I was working at the soup kitchen."

"Ah, right, how did that go?"

"Wonderful. It was a ton of fun. I even made those stuffy SSIU agents ladle chicken soup for people. Think Men in Black with aprons and ladles of soup. Why do they wear sunglasses indoors anyway?"

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't rightly know, Tianyu. We've got all sorts at the SSIU."

"Heh, guess so."

"So what happened with Translucent?"

"He got a bowl of soup with his wife and son. Then he cut the line and tried to get more even though there were obviously homeless people in line. I tried to get him to leave but he wouldn't."

"So what happened? Is he alive?"

"Hey now, I'm not that bad. I just dragged him outside, knocked him unconscious, and had the SSIU agents hypnotize everyone into forgetting. I think they settled on making it so Translucent had a fight with his wife and got drunk in an alley."

"Ah, that's… not as bad as I'd feared."

"I'd like to think I have some modicum of self-control. Anyway, are all the Seven like that? They're not all corrupt monsters, are they?"

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I don't think so? They're humans at the end of the day, with human flaws, no matter what sparkly coat of paint Vought tries to cover them with. I know that Maeve likes to drink, though I don't think it's a problem. She's actually quite nice. Homelander, off camera, is kind of a jerk and looks down on the 'powerless masses.' Sir Smith has had a few missions with him before and he's been a bit of a glory hog."

I winced. "Ouch. I kinda looked up to the guy. You know, before I became a Campione."

"Yes, well, never meet your heroes."

"Except Pluto?"

"Naturally," she sniffed imperiously. Then she became more serious. "I think that this is part of why his role as a superhero is so important. I think it's important to have at least one paragon of heroism who truly believes in the ideal."

I nodded. "I can understand that. Pluto seems like a good man."

"He is. So, do you mind if I ask you a few questions, Tianyu?"

"Of course not."

"What does it mean to be king?" she asked solemnly. Gone was the flushed young woman, replaced by the right hand of the Fifth King. So swift was the change that it caught even me off guard.

"Excuse me?"

"As I said. What does it mean to be king? What will define your rule, Seventh? What do you stand for? What virtues will you champion? What will you condemn? What is a king?"

I stared at the overly serious woman. Her eyes of molten gold stared back at me with earnest resolve, determined to squeeze an honest answer out of me. I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"Hah!'

"Eh?!"

"Hahahahahaha, sorry, sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but… You're asking me what a king is with such a serious expression that I couldn't help it."

She glared at me like a pouting puppy. It was refreshing; no one had so much as dared since I'd ascended and here was this girl ready to scold me like a child. Truly, Pluto's second could not be underestimated.

"Sorry," I apologized again. "What is a king? I'm afraid I don't have any deep, philosophical answers to that. Truth is, it was you lunatics who decided to call me a king."

"But-"

"Lady, I'm a chef."

"I… I see…"

I looked at her and she seemed somewhat dejected. This probably wasn't the answer she was looking for. Could Pluto have sent her to ask me if I'd join him in his heroics?

Nah, no way.

Still, I decided to give her little question an honest shot. "I'm not much for philosophizing, but if I had to answer, a good king is someone who lives for his people. He understands their needs and cares and provides for them. He should also be capable of enforcing discipline to ensure he is being obeyed and his grace isn't being taken advantage of.

"A good king should be able to see the big picture, to make harsh decisions. Or, that's what I think anyway. Does that help?"

She nodded slowly. "It does, Tianyu."

"Why ask though? I'm just a chef. I just want to travel the world and feed people. It might be disappointing to you and Pluto with your lofty ideals about truth and justice, but I'm a simple guy… bunny… whatever."

"No, no. My apologies. I do think that it's a shame to see one of the least… eccentric… Campione not claim territory and rule justly, but I can understand pursuing your passions. As can Sir Smith."

"Heh, yeah, I guess so."

"Do you really have no desire for a territory of your own?"

I shrugged. "Not really? I planned to travel the world, explore new cuisines, that sort of thing. I don't think I'd make a very good king to be honest."

"Pity…"

"How so?"

"Sir Smith wanted to ask you if you would like to divide North America between you two."

"What…?"

"As I said," she said with a smile, relishing in my surprise. "You impressed him greatly, Tianyu. When two gods descended, you did not run despite only having ascended a week prior. You fought to protect this city. No, more than that, you succeeded. You managed to slay one of the gods in only five minutes."

"I let myself get eaten alive. Hardly heroic."

"Perhaps not, but in doing so, you slew one god without interference from the other. And then, you lured the second out of the city and into the sea. It is no exaggeration to say that most people in New York owe you their lives."

I felt blood rush to my cheeks. "I… That wasn't…"

She smirked. "So the Seventh King is weak against compliments."

"Not a king," I groused. "You weirdos keep insisting I am."

"Nonetheless, you impressed Sir Smith greatly. And then, when I spoke with Verlucci, I found that you were volunteering at a soup kitchen."

"I'm a chef. I cook. It's the best way I could think of to help."

"'A king lives for his people,'" she quoted my line back at me. "You do. Perhaps not in a conventional way, but your first response in a moment of crisis was to help. Are you not a New York native? Sir Smith wanted to divide up North America with you. It has come to his attention that his focus on the west coast has left this area of North America dangerously unpatrolled. He would like you to claim ownership of everywhere east of the Rocky Mountains."

I balked at that. That sounded… "That's a lot of responsibility."

"It is."

"I won't even be here most of the time. Traveler, remember?"

"Surely there are plenty of cuisines in North America?"

"And the SSIU would have split loyalties then. Who would they answer to?"

"So long as the magical crime takes place in your territory, you. And vice versa. It is not a complicated arrangement. Should something come up that requires both your attentions, I don't doubt you two will work well together. You've already proven you can."

I… I didn't expect that. I didn't think my brother would offer me half the US. If anything, he went up a few notches in my esteem. I wasn't the political sort, but even I knew how rare it was for a man to willingly give up power. Pluto truly, unreservedly believed in the ideals he preached.

If a man like that thought that the eastern United States would be better under my oversight, shouldn't I at least consider it? Could I do a better job than Pluto?

I… I didn't think so. I was no ruler. What business did a homeless chef have telling men like Verlucci how to do their jobs?

None. Absolutely none.

And yet… "Maybe… What exactly does it mean to be an American Campione? What? Do I get my own theme music?"

"Afraid not. Sir Smith would expect you to handle all magical crimes east of the Rockies. He would extend that to include the Caribbean islands. That of course includes facing gods, chasing down divine ancestors, and eliminating other threats."

"I have no idea how to do any of this. I'm not an investigator, or whatever the magical equivalent is called."

"You don't have to. The legwork would be done by the SSIU. You would mostly be their backup."

"I see. And the heroes? What about them? Vought's headquartered in New York. Hell, so is the UN, which means Overwatch too, technically. Am I responsible for them too?" I frowned. That was a nauseating amount of responsibility to thrust on someone's shoulders. A woefully uneducated, prepared someone.

She shrugged dismissively. "They are yours to do with as you please. Demand to be made chairman of Vought's board. Organize your own Overwatch strike team. Or ignore them completely. In the end, they are not significant enough for my king to involve himself."

And that was the problem, I realized. Being a Campione meant ultimate power, or as close to it as possible. It meant absolute authority over the magical world, which also often extended to the mundane. Unless countermanded by one of my siblings, I was truly and ultimately free to dictate my terms to the world.

Hell, as I looked around at the luxurious penthouse Verlucci prepared for me in under fifteen minutes, I realized. My very whims would become law. People would fight for my favor like they fought for Caesar's.

It was freedom. It was also terrifying to grasp. It was the kind of freedom that was so vast, so unceasingly wide, that I could not tell up from down. It felt like being stranded in the void of space. Sure, I could go anywhere, do anything, but there was absolutely no frame of reference by which to define and mold my reign.

Scary…

"Annie," I started gently. "I'm honored. Sincerely. I feel privileged to know you and Pluto think so highly of me. But I'm a chef. Before I became a Campione, I traveled the world. I didn't even go to college. You are more educated than me. You're probably more fit for this kingship stuff than I am."

"And yet, you are the Campione," she spoke as she tucked a stray lock of crimson hair behind her ear. "You are the king. It is customary to claim a kingdom."

I looked outside. The moon shone in the night sky, not a cloud in sight. As it had been explained to me, Pluto's final Authority against Old Thunder prevented rainfall entirely for several hours. "That," I gestured. "That is my kingdom."

"Hmm?"

"The moon."

"You are… claiming the moon…"

"Yup," I replied with a shit-eating grin.

"Hah…" She let out a defeated sigh. "Are you so against the idea of ruling that you pick the single most abandoned hunk of rock you can find?"

"That's partly it, but only partly. I received the keys to the Lunar Palace from the Jade Rabbit."

"Ah, much like Sir Smith's fae realm."

"Fae realm?"

"Yes. Sir Pluto fought and slew Oberon, the King of Fairies. He received an Authority, but along with it, Oberon's crown. Now, he is one of several fairy kings who rule over various territories in the Netherworld."

"Ah, that makes sense? But yeah, something like that. I can travel to and from the moon so long as it is visible in the sky. I mean, I haven't bothered going to the moon in our plane of existence, but the Lunar Palace is pretty great."

"I see… So you have territory, in a manner of speaking. Should you be away, how quickly can you return to the eastern seaboard?"

I frowned in thought. "It depends? I can run at roughly mach 8 without resorting to godspeed or any enhancements."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "F-Fast…"

"Bunny," I replied slyly, waggling my ears.

"Heh, I suppose so. Mach 8 is 6,136 miles per hour. The earth is 24,900 miles around at the equator, give or take a few dozen. Assuming you are at the other side of the globe, you would be running half its circumference, or 12,450 miles. Which, assuming you run nonstop, would mean you can cross the globe in approximately two hours."

"You did that in your head?"

"Of course. Can't everyone?"

"You… Never mind… See? Even if agreed to rule over the eastern US-"

"Eastern North America, Tianyu. Sir Smith includes Canada and the Caribbean."

"Fine, whatever. Point is, a two hour response time isn't really viable when gods can wreak havoc in minutes if not seconds."

"Actually, that's quite good. Two hours is the absolute longest you will take. What happens if you use an Authority to boost your speed? It's also not as though you will be on the opposite side of the globe all the time. On average, your response time should be in minutes."

"I already have the moon though?" I tried. "Surely the other Campione will be upset that I claim so much territory?"

She waved me off. "Sir Smith claimed the entire western hemisphere. They really don't care. Besides, the moon belongs to the United States. It's got our flag on it."

"I… I really have no answer to that…"

"So you will become the second American Campione?"

I sighed. I clearly wasn't getting out of this. Worse, she was right. Having an earthly territory wouldn't keep me from traveling. It wouldn't keep me from cooking. My major gripe was all the responsibility I wasn't qualified for, but so long as I knew that and let the actually qualified people do the shit they were infinitely better trained to do, it should be fine.

"Yes." I saw her eyes brighten like Christmas came early. "You don't need to look so happy. But yes, I'll take control over eastern North America."

"Yes! I-We're free!" she cried, pumping her fist into the air.

"'I?' You were about to say 'I'm free?'"

"No! Of course not!"

"You… Was Pluto going to make you administer this place for him?"

"Ah… No…? I mean, yes. He planned to make me some kind of governor but I don't have the power or seniority in the SSIU to do it right."

"Uh-huh… And I do?"

"You're a Campione. Your inexperience means nothing."

"I still feel like you've shoved off a bunch of responsibility on me."

"It comes with great perks," she defended. "Like… Like this penthouse!"

"I have the Lunar Palace. Twenty-eight mansions of literally divine luxury," I replied flatly.

"And access to one of the busiest ports in the world!" she said with a shaky smile. "Think of all the top-quality ingredients you can have access to!"

"Well… I'm a Campione. I can just demand those whenever I want."

"But if you travel all the time, you can't have it all delivered to your location. Just think of New York as your mailbox."

I stared at her. She stared back with a brittle smile. "You really didn't want to be the new admin, huh?"

"You have no idea. I'm a forensic analyst. Please take this job…"

I took a good look at her. Annie looked like she was about to cry. I didn't know if it was the drinks or the stress of her position, but she looked truly overworked. Thinking about it, the woman had three full-time jobs: student, SSIU agent, and Pluto's right hand. Sure, the latter probably overlapped somewhat, but if Pluto was as eccentric as he first appeared, she was probably desperately overworked.

"Fine," I sighed, defeated. "You got me. New York is now my mailbox. Happy?"

"YES!"

"But! You have to help me out. I want information on every major player in my new territory. And you don't get to complain about anything I do here, got it?"

"As long as you don't let heretic gods run rampant and you don't start a genocide of your own, I promise Sir Smith won't mind."

"And I'm going to let Luo Hao know first. If she has a problem with it, then I refuse."

"That's better than nothing."

"So be it…"

"So be it," she repeated happily, extending a hand. I shook it, feeling like I'd just made a deal with the devil.

Ultimately, the two of us talked long into the night. There was much to discuss, such as precisely where my domain would end and my brother's would begin. I would rule continental North America, up to the foot of the Rockies. The Gulf of Mexico and the Caribbean would be mine, but Mexico itself would belong to Pluto, as would Central and South America. That also left me with Canada, which I was very happy about; Newfoundland had some wonderful seafood I was itching to get my hands on again.

There was also the long and detailed overview she gave me concerning the various powers. Though I, as Campione, was top dog in my region, she let me know that there were certain powers that acted outside my purview, not because they were beyond my authority, but because they chose not to interact with the broader supernatural world.

She also gave me a warning not to make the US Congress pass idiotic laws, or Pluto would be rather cross with me. As it turned out, "idiotic" by her standards ended up being "whatever Luo Hao would think is a good idea."

I wanted to take offense on behalf of my lovely fiance but having met her…

I did get her to agree to a $14 million scholarship for culinary education stripped from the US defense budget, so Pluto clearly didn't care too much. Or he was just happy my eccentricities wouldn't start a war or cause a god to descend or something.

Of those organizations that existed with a half-step into the supernatural, the ones that really stood out to me were Vought, the Overwatch Initiative, and the WGO, or World Gourmet Organization. The first two dealt with heroes and international peacekeeping, which meant I had to take some notice by virtue of my status, but it was the third that really caught my eye.

I was a chef. Of course I knew about the WGO. They released an annual "Bible" of culinary techniques and awarded chefs anywhere from one to three stars. Hell, there was a picture of my face in last year's edition as Luca Bailey, the "Wandering Chef."

At least it was better than "Asura" or "Magician of Legumes" or some other melodramatic bullshit.

Way back, I'd met one of their "bookmen" called Mana who rated my cooking. A Romanian cabbage wrap with North African harissa influences if I remembered correctly.

She… She was a bitch, a stuck up, snobby brat who looked down on me at the time because I'd never been featured in her precious Bible. She was such a snob in fact that she flat out refused to eat except to judge food, saying her "god's tongue" or some shit spotted every imperfection and rendered every dish disgusting.

I laughed in her face and goaded her until she ate my cabbage wrap. I didn't really know why I did it, mostly just because I was personally offended by her attitude, but she liked it.

No, that wasn't quite right.

I reduced her to sobbing tears and unwilling foodgasms. The crazy bitch even got naked and offered to marry me! And then she offered me her daughter!

I was so weirded out that I got in the food truck I was driving at the time and ran the fuck away.

I thought that was the last I'd hear from her, but apparently not as my name showed up in last year's edition with three platinum stars and I was then forced to attend some award ceremony… that I promptly ignored…

My change in identity was one of the things I was grateful for, truth be told. I didn't go by Luca anymore. I looked dramatically different. As Tianyu, I had white bunny ears, fluffy hair, and pale skin with crimson eyes. I also lost several inches and stood at an even five feet. The first Jade Rabbit had fully turned me into a bunnyboy and there was no way in hell Mana would recognize me anymore.

In any case, the WGO was apparently known for possessing people with "superhuman abilities," abilities like the "god's tongue" that supposedly were magical mutations. Extremely minor magical mutations, but mutations nonetheless. Most such abilities were tied to family lines, though even then, only a handful of them knew anything about the broader supernatural world.

They were that dedicated to cooking.

Hell, I kinda respected them for it. They sounded like my kinda people.

According to Annie, there were several other organizations like WGO for various industries or professions, but as she'd surmised, the one for super-chefs was the only one I gave a damn about.

I'd figure out what I wanted to do with WGO later. For the moment, I felt like going to bed.

"Thanks for coming, Annie," I said as I stood. I blurred and placed the dishes in the dishwasher. Annie didn't even bat an eye at the casual use of super speed. Woman had brass balls, that one.

"It was my pleasure, Tianyu," she said with a sweet smile. "I'll get out of your hair now."

I grabbed her by the sleeve. I couldn't let a young woman head out into New York City at one in the morning. Mama Bailey didn't raise a scumbag… that kind of scumbag. "Nope. Stay. You're sleeping over."

"Eh? Ehh!?"

"Sleep over tonight. You can even have the big bedroom."

"B-But that's-"

"There are some extra toothbrushes in the bathroom cabinet. Laundry is attached to the bathroom so if you need to, you can use that. Or just have your suitcase delivered from wherever you planned to stay."

"I have a hotel-"

"And I'm not letting a young woman leave in the middle of the night," I chided. "I'm sure Pluto's right hand can handle herself, but it's the principle of the matter."

"Ah, but, I promise I can walk. It's not that far."

I rolled my eyes and tossed my key and called the gate to the Lunar Palace. It shimmered into view like a mirage in the morning mist. "Seriously, make yourself at home. I don't actually need all this room. Thanks and good night, Annie," I called behind me.

Author's Note

Honestly, I think these chapters are better enjoyed on fic-live, if only because some of this was written with the expectation of pictures in mind. Jokes don't always translate fully.

Anyway, shoutout to my patrons: Garrett Conley, Sparkz, Christopher Magrath, Nick McKelvey, Nicholas Commisso, Raptor, obviousPenname, T4ndoris, Tactical Paladin, Adam parker, tien, Martin Franco, Incraze, Streetwise, Vexdt, Frank, Manowargs, Temmie, Xisaro, Legion_13, Alex Black, AnonymousJohn, AJ, Cc, Ore0man, Ab9999, Professor Pedro Boncompagni, Flipflop, Kcx1, Master Kuma, Brian, NorthMountain, AblazedNightmare, Mp Gaming, Baron_Dio, Edgar, Dan B, Trent Cannon, dark helmet9, Abdulla, KDN, Drake_Azathoth, Dull Pen, Nick Gabbard, Amon, Thobitor, Paul Becker, CrusaderElmo, Non Non, Sam Richardson, BookDragonling, Retexks, abdd, M, Jakob Lefevre, , Mateusz, Alexander Beers, mouad maataoui, Yuri Latten, SpeX, Ramon Diaz, Spencer seidel, Deteriator, Johnworm, ilovebullets, Tavernlandlord, Evelyn Antoinette, Primordi, Adam Bell, Jake Hand, Oddfall, r3d3v3, AbyssalMage, Daniel I Beer, Coalman95, PbookR, Drake, JayK, Helios, Starfall20, Anh Duy Ly, Matthew Powell, oliman, Bookmaggot, Uriel Torres, DeValve, jack kreutner, Savagesmiley, Apallo Berryman, Noctis117, costochondritis, Sage Berthelsen, Euth, Phong Truong, Night Drifter, Khetsun XD, abdullah khan, Hunter Rhoades, Hector Gregorio, Chrishenk, MochiLeaf, Mrsnuuggles88, Barry Zimmerman, Marco, Shurukkah, Dicky wongsonegoro, Jorge Benedicto, Dang Tran, Julian Rivera, Narasan, Sean Feeney, Blyth Septimus, Paul Mouttet, victor a lopez-barron, Empty Shelf, Andreyebidu, Zerak, fluffybutt, NazNar21, Rairarku, Amadi238, Big ToFu, John Dale, Kappsa, Kraxus, and Bapping.