God? Devil? Fuck that, I'm gonna be a bunny

by Fabled Webs

Or: How an American chef became a jade beauty by murdering a goddess because avocados are bad for the environment.

6. I am the Moon's Eye Plan

"Heh, that's still funny," I chuckled as I exited the portal.

Don Fluffles let out an unladylike snort. "I swear, a shit sense of humor has to be a requirement to being the next Jade Rabbit."

"Or maybe your sense of humor is flawed. Have you considered that? Two divine existences find something funny and you don't. Clearly, the problem is you."

"One died of allergies. The other one is you. You know what? I think I'm good, thanks."

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

"Emergency food supply."

"Sissy playboy bunny."

"Discount soup stock."

"Bunny-eating cannibal."

"Bitch, I am a pioneer."

"Sure, cannibal."

We traded barbs back and forth as we walked through the gates to the first of seven Dragon Mansions. I greeted the carp-like servants who were somehow bipedal and entered the courtyard.

There, I found the beautiful moon goddess, Chang'e. She was lounging in the shade of a peach tree with a scroll in her lap.

"Hello, Chang'e," I greeted. "Mind if I join you?"

She looked up at me with her bright, blue-green eyes and offered me a smile that would have had men lining up for miles on earth. "Of course not, Tianyu. This is your home."

I plopped down next to her and laid my head on the cool grass. "Still polite to ask. So, what'cha reeding?"

"A dissertation on magical flowers written by one of the gods of herbology in the Jade Court. Would you like to read with me? Some of these uses are fascinating."

"Ehh, no thanks. Let me know if any of them are any good in food?"

"You have a one track mind."

"Of course. Speaking of food, we have a stocked pantry of rare ingredients, right?"

"We do. You know, you are very much not what I expected of a Campione."

"How so?"

"When the Jade Rabbit relinquished her estate, I thought you would be a tyrant. I expected you to demand I warm your bed, perhaps raid our vaults of ancient relics or command the beasts to war against your enemies."

I snorted. "That sounds like too much work. And aren't you married?"

She nodded easily. "I am, though it has been millennia since I last saw my Houyi."

"Must be rough. So, the Mid-Autumn Festival, do you really like all the food they insist is traditional?"

"Gods, no. I admit mooncakes can be good on occasion, but so much lotus paste," she made a face, "it's far too heavy to enjoy I think. I admit I am rather partial to osmanthus wine though. Cassia if you are unfamiliar."

"I know what it is. Huh, wouldn't have guessed, though I guess it is in season. I wouldn't have pegged you for a drinker though."

"I enjoy a bottle every now and then, especially in autumn while watching the stars. Houyi and I shared a bottle like that on our wedding night."

"Food flavored by memories are the best kind."

"Too true, my dear landlord," she said with a bittersweet smile.

"Remind me to grab some cassia wine sometime. It's got a peachy, apricot-y aftertaste that I think I can turn into a mean dessert."

"Oh? That would be new."

"Ehh, nothing special," I shrugged. "Think rum cake or black forest cake but flavored with diluted baiju. I think the bite of the alcohol might let me get away with making a sweeter cake than I normally would."

"That does sound interesting. I will look forward to it," she said with a smile. "I can also share some of my tea recipes if you'd like."

"Lessons? From a goddess who's been practicing the art for millennia? Hell yes."

"Are you calling me old?" she pouted, her lower lip quivering in mock distress.

"Yup. Old and wise. Teach me, oh ancient sage of tea brewing."

"Hahaha, you truly are like no other godslayer."

"I'm not," I agreed happily. Then I got an idea. "Say, got any embarrassing stories about the Jade Rabbit?"

"Truly?"

"Truly."

"You are asking me to betray my friend, you know," she said, a dainty sleeve covering her mouth. I could see the mischievous glint in her eyes though. I knew I'd found a kindred spirit. She only needed some convincing indulge.

I held out Don Fluffles. "I'll let you pet my rabbit."

Laughing, she took my bunny and nestled her in her lap. "You are a shrewd negotiator. Hmm… What to tell you… I have so many stories! Oh! I know! Do you know why she is a woman?"

"Umm… Something about Playboy bunnies and people fetishizing bunnygirls?"

"Yes, but that alone would not be enough to change the nature of a god, or goddess as the case may be. Popular perception does impact us, but so do other factors such as history, cultural importance, worship, strength of our canonized works, and more. To change the core of a god, you need far more than some horny teenagers."

"Huh, so she was lying?"

"No, not necessarily. It was the straw that broke the camel's back as you humans say, but it was something that had been in progress for a long time."

"How long?"

"Oh… 1592… ish…? Yes, that sounds about right. Sometime during the Ming Dynasty."

"Wow, sometimes I forget just how old you gods are. What's so special about the Ming though?"

"Nothing. And no lady enjoys being called old," she scowled playfully. "Anyway, that was the year that Journey to the West was published."

"Wait, she shows up in that? Isn't that about Wukong?"

"It is. She dueled him for seven days and seven nights, you know, though that is certainly not how Xuanzang wrote the tale." She giggled and visibly relaxed, her fingers running trails along Don Fluffles' fur. Then, like a high school girl gossiping, she grinned, "Okay, get this. There was a nymph who worked here in the gardens called Su'e, right? She was one of the senior gardeners here and helped care for the peaches of immortality entrusted to us by the Queen Mother.

"One day, Su'e, craving immortality for herself, ate one of the peaches without permission. Knowing she'd be punished, she fled to the mortal plane. Well, when the Jade Emperor found out, he was furious."

I blinked in confusion. "Wait, what? Why would he be upset? It's just one peach, right? And it's not even his garden."

"True, but the peaches belong to his lady mother. By stealing one, Su'e did not insult the Jade Rabbit alone; she spat on the hospitality of the Jade Court. The emperor ordered that the Jade Rabbit should go find Su'e and drag her back.

"That was how she, he at the time, ended up in the mortal plane. He searched for fourteen years and eventually found her living a life of luxury as an Indian princess. At the same time, Xuanzang, Wukong, and their party were traveling on their pilgrimage.

"Xuanzang was… not a very good monk… despite self-congratulatory records. And the Jade Rabbit has always been somewhat feminine in appearance," she said. She waved generally in my direction.

I quirked an eyebrow. "So you mean me being a midget sissy is just a natural part of being a bunnyboy?"

She giggled. "If you want to put it that way, sure. Anyway, Xuanzang saw the Jade Rabbit, mistook him for a maiden, and fell in love. The Jade Rabbit of course did not return his affections and promptly kicked him through a boulder.

"He thought that'd be the end of it and headed to the palace, where he found Su'e and dragged her kicking and screaming out of the court. In broad daylight. During a festival. He… He'd been searching for Su'e for fourteen years in the mortal plane and was very, very annoyed with it all. He wasn't too concerned about the opinions of mortals.

"Xuanzang and Wukong caught up to the Jade Rabbit, only to find a… what do you mortals call it… a catfight? Yes, a catfight, albeit a one-sided one. With of course, the king screaming that his daughter was being kidnapped by a rabbit-demon.

"Sun Wukong, impulsive, musclebound moron he is, decided that he'd save the princess and add one more heroic feat to his prodigious record."

I could see where this was going. "He jumped right in, didn't he?"

"He did. So they fought. Fortunately, they were both smart enough to take the fighting somewhere more secluded. Nonetheless, a good third of what you know as the Himalayas were flattened during that time. There used to be a longer mountain range.

"After seven days of fighting, I realized what was going on and descended myself with the Queen Mother's royal seal. I explained what was going on and finally convinced Sun Wukong to withdraw."

"So the Jade Rabbit was strong enough to fight Sun Wukong?"

Chang'e laughed and wave her hand in a so-so gesture. "He was able to fight Wukong, but not win. He most certainly emerged the worse from that fight and likely would have lost had I not intervened."

"So what kept you then? How come it took you seven days?"

Pink colored her cheeks. She coughed awkwardly into her sleeve. "H-He was gone for fourteen years. I had no idea that he'd successfully located Su'e."

I gave her a suspicious side-eye. "Uh-huh…"

"And… And I may have treated myself to an extended spa week."

"A spa… week…"

"Hey, you try living for an eternity. A week is nothing!"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Okay, fine. I'm not judging. So, the fight ended. What happened next?"

"We dragged Su'e before the Jade Court. She was sentenced to three thousand years of punishment. Sure, she ate the peach, but that does not mean her life need be pleasurable."

I winced. Gods. "Fair enough, I guess. What's this have to do with the Jade Rabbit getting a sex change?"

"Well… Xuanzang didn't want to admit that he proposed to an effeminate man so that particular part of the Journey is abridged heavily. Ever since, people have been talking about the 'jade beauty who resides on the moon.'"

"So you're saying… He… She…has been having her gender mixed up since the 1500s?" Chang'e nodded with a sly grin. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Holy shit, that's hilarious."

"Wukong certainly thought so. He still won't let her live it down. With that kind of foundation, the Playboy bunny thing was just the final straw."

"Hahahaha. I almost feel bad for making fun of her now."

"But you won't stop, will you?"

"Never," I nodded.

She sighed fondly. "Just as well. My friend has more or less readjusted to her shift anyway. Us gods do tend to be more flexible than humans."

"Say, Chang'e?"

"Yes, Tianyu?"

"This all happened thousands of years ago, right?"

"Yes, that's right. The original Journey was something that happened many millennia ago, but Xuanzang's records were recovered during the Ming Dynasty by the author who took credit for its creation and passed it off as fiction."

"I see… So you really haven't seen Houyi in that long…" I missed my parents dearly and they'd only been gone for a few years. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I'd feel after a few millennia. Would I forget what they looked like? That sounded awful. "Is he a god somewhere?"

"Perhaps," she said solemnly, "but if he is, he has not visited me. We… We did not part on the best terms. Though I drank the elixir out of necessity, it was hard, watching the man I loved age without me. There were times when he shouted up at the moon and cursed me for damning him to mortality while I remained young and beautiful forever. There were also times when he took a dozen women beneath the moonlight just to spite me.

"And then there were times when he mourned over a shrine made in my honor. Times when he raised new sons and daughters and brought them before the full moon that I might be happy for them. He named his firstborn daughter Yue, you know," she said with a hitch in her voice. "Yue, the moon, that she might be as beautiful as his first love… I loved that girl dearly and begged the Jade Emperor to bless her line for seven generations. Never did she grow ill. Never did she go hungry. I watched over her and hers until her descendants forgot their ancestor's name with time.

"I… I cannot say I was a perfect wife. There were times when I looked down at the mortal world with scorn. I was a goddess now. I embraced it wholly for a time, telling myself that it was time to move on and discard mortal longings. It was easier than watching Houyi age and die.

"By the end, Yue was the only one I watched over, and even then out of a sense of duty as any true love. I… This is what immortality does to a mortal soul, Tianyu," she said, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "If… If Houyi became a god, he did so on his own merits. He likely moved on without me, even when I, frozen on the moon by the weight of our legend, could not change."

That was a disquieting story. Hers and the Jade Rabbit's stories were stark reminders of the impact of legends on gods. She did not change, could not change, because people worshiped her as the dutiful wife waiting on the moon. She had to watch her husband waste away and die even as Houyi eventually moved on like all mortals did.

I sat up and tugged her into a hug. She stiffened for a moment but leaned into it. "Thank you," I whispered. "Thanks for giving me the chance to learn more about you."

She shook her head and gently pushed me away. "It is an old pain. Talking about it does make me feel better. 'Having a good cry,' I think you call it."

"I'm still making you cake. And cassia wine."

"I look forward to it."

We sat in comfortable silence until I ultimately excused myself to go to bed. It was late and even godslayers needed to sleep, at least a little.

The next day found me in New York at the crack of dawn, just as the moon stopped being visible in the sky. The gates of the Lunar Palace closed behind me as I stepped into my fancy new digs. I found a note from Annie on the coffee table:

Thank you for your hospitality, Tianyu. Dinner was wonderful. Thank you doubly for taking on the mantle of the King of (eastern) North America. It really does save me a lot of trouble. I have another flight to catch so I'll be leaving early.

Best regards,

Annie Charlton

I shook my head in bemusement. "That girl, so formal."

"Ehh, I think that's just how she is," Don Fluffles shrugged ambivalently.

"Alright, well, let's make some breakfast then. After that, we can see about having a chat with Rob and Fortuna."

"You're actually going to take your duties seriously?"

I shrugged. "Kind of? I mean… I don't want to be some flake like Doni or something. Really, I just want to give them their marching orders before I go back to being a wandering chef. Maybe give them some divine enchantments with my Authority, you know?"

"Huh, I didn't think you'd do even this much. Thought you'd just fuck off somewhere as soon as you could hijack a food truck."

"Hey, just how low is your opinion of me?"

"A tick would look like Godzilla," Fluffles drawled.

I flicked her nose and went into the kitchen. Admittedly, a big part of my willingness to help Rob and Fortuna had a lot to do with how much they helped me already. Seriously, this penthouse came fully stocked with some of the best grub I've ever had the pleasure of working with.

Caviar, foie gras, langoustine, Iberico ham, I had it all in my pantry with a phone number taped to my fridge in case I ever wanted more.

"Whatever, Fluffles. Breakfast, then meeting my awesome subordinates."

"Yeah… One problem, boss."

"What?"

"Fortuna's not in New York anymore, remember? She evacuated with her family to make sure they were alright? Rob said she'd be back in two days, so tomorrow."

"Oh. Shit."

"I mean, you could call her back if you want? You're the Campione and I guess situation's changed now that you've officially taken territory. Do you want to?"

"No," I decided. "What would it say if I can't even wait a single day for this? It's not like it's a matter of life or death."

"Considering your siblings' tempers, it'd make you pretty normal actually."

"Yeah, well, I don't want to be that kind of king. Besides, I'm sure I can amuse myself for a single day. How hard can it be?"

"Sure, sure, now make me breakfast!"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course, which of us is king again?"

"You. But I'm the lovable adjutant. Which means I get to reap all the benefits with none of the responsibilities."

"Don't fucking tempt me," I grumbled. "Watch me make you lord of Canada or some shit."

She looked genuinely affronted at that. "What even grows there?"

"Maple syrup. Seafood. Insufferably polite mounties."

"That sounds idiotic. Give me Georgia or something. Peach farms. Alfalfa. What's not to love?"

I hummed noncommittally. "I'll think about it."

I puttered about the kitchen, taking out as many kettles and pots as I possibly could.

Don Fluffles hopped onto the counter in a blur of super-speed. Given her size, she was getting a lot of mileage out of that. "Yo, what're you up to now?"

"I've got an idea. Get me my phone and call Rob?"

"Ehh, fine. One sec." She was there and back in a second, my phone clenched in her mouth. "Push the touchpad for me."

I turned from heating the water to find my bunny tapping away at the buttons. "You… You can't work a touchpad?"

"It's not built for rabbits, you dick."

"Alright, one sec. Stop pouting."

I took the phone and dialed my right hand man.

"Hello?" came the gruff voice. He sounded a bit groggy and I realized he was likely still asleep.

"Sorry, did I wake you, Rob?" I apologized.

"N-No, sir. What can I do for you?"

"Nothing crazy. I'm making a bunch of enchanted food I can keep in stockpile just in case something crazy happens like yesterday. I want some aces up my sleeves, you know?"

"I see. What do you need?"

"You know those big, steel containers that compress helium for birthday balloons and whatnot?"

"I… Yes…?"

"Do you or not?"

"I do. Sorry, this just wasn't where I thought you were going."

"Well, do you think I can compress a bunch of magic expresso in one and lug it around?"

"I suppose?"

"Great. Can you get me one? Have it delivered to my place, thanks."

"I'll get on that."

"Awesome. Also, don't make dinner plans tomorrow. You, me, and Fortuna are going to have a chat."

"Yes, sir. Anything else?"

"Nope, that's all."

"If you don't mind me asking, how did your meeting with Miss Charlton go?"

"Annie? Great. She got me to accept being king of eastern North America. Pluto and I are dividing the continent along the Rockies so we don't get on each other's nerves or anything. No one died. Nothing exploded."

"Ah, that's… great.." The sheer relief in his voice was honestly a little insulting.

"What? Did you think I'd beat her up or something? She even slept over."

"Pffttt! She… slept over…?"

"Yeah, it was around 2 AM when we stopped talking and I wasn't going to let a young lady go out that late, you know? Manners, man, manners."

"I'm quite certain she'd be the deadliest person on the streets, sir," he said dryly.

"She said that too, but still. Mama Bailey didn't raise me like that. Anyway, everything's fine. I think Pluto and I are going to get along great. We'll talk more tomorrow, alright?"

"As you wish, sir. Good day."

"Good day, Rob."

That's how I spent my morning. Rob got me the cannister in short order, delivered by some UPS-like guy who was smart enough to not ask any questions.

The whole thing weighed about 40 pounds and was made of a titanium alloy. Excellent, seeing how most were generally made of aluminum. Rob spoiled me rotten and I loved him for it.

I filled it with an ungodly amount of expresso, pushing my water affinity to the limit so I could cram in more and more fluid. By the end, it weighed close to 200 pounds. There was a tiny nozzle on top I could twist to give myself a pressurized gulp of expresso.

I grinned like a lunatic as I held my hands over my expresso machine and began my chant. "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother's garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"

Don Fluffles nudged it with a paw. "This is fucking stupid, you know that?"

"You say stupid. I say brilliant."

"You filled a gas tank with magic expresso."

"And?"

"I… You know that people are going to target that the first chance they get, right?"

"You're right. I need to shield it more. Tungsten is the most durable metal right? There's gotta be some kind of magic alloy I can sheathe this in."

"You… Whatever."

I laughed and turned my attention back to the other half of my "breakfast." Hardboiled eggs. They were simple, easy to make, and with my Authority, would keep forever.

The goal was to make a capsule-like food that I could chomp on at will, allowing me to fight on the level of heretic gods for a short time. I doubted I'd get the chance to brew an Authority-sealing sangria in every fight. Really, I was lucky as hell to have two gods distract each other while I worked.

These eggs were designed to mitigate the biggest flaw I noticed yesterday: My water magic did jack shit.

Gods had divine resistances to magic. They were immune to basically everything that didn't come from another god.

By infusing these eggs with my Authority, I'd grant myself divine qi, allowing me to harm gods directly with my martial arts and magic even without relying on the Fang of Starving Venom.

I finished up around 10 AM.

Now that I had my emergency rations, I considered next steps. I didn't want to stay in New York forever. More than anything, I was a wandering chef. There was too much to do, too much to see, for me to ever consider settling down on a permanent basis.

That meant I needed a new snack cart.

As per all things, I turned to Rob. Rob was a swell guy. He told me he'd have several models of trucks picked out. Question was, what was I looking for in a mobile kitchen?

I told him what I wanted. I wanted something with a decent, high-quality kitchen. He sent me a photo of a food truck, but I denied it. It wasn't big enough. Most of those had a single stovetop and barely enough storage for three or four menu items anyway.

I wanted something with more versatility, which meant more room. In the end, he sent me a picture of an RV.

He texted me back with some suggestions. Apparently, the man had access to some mechanics who dabbled in magi-tech. I didn't even know that was a thing.

Robert Verlucci: I can have this outfitted with the best kitchen appliances on the market. Would this be satisfactory?

Tianyu Yue: Yeah. That's Perfect.

Tianyu Yue: Actually, can you tear out the living quarters? Rip up everything and expand the kitchen. I sleep in the Lunar Palace anyway. Anything that isn't either needed for it to drive or belongs in the kitchen needs to go.

Robert Verlucci: Understood.

Robert Verlucci: While we're at it, I can have some people enchant it. If you have any suggestions, now is the time.

Tianyu Yue: Durability? Can you make it self-repair itself?

Robert Verlucci: One sec.

Robert Verlucci: Our guys say they can make it as durable as a military bunker. They think they can make it repair itself? It's a bit more complicated than that. Magic doesn't always play with technology well so there might be some problems repairing appliances but the superstructure can be made to repair itself over the course of a day.

Tianyu Yue: Ehh, I'm not sure how the self-repair function will work with the kitchen. Maybe just the durability? I'm worried about keeping the truck if I ever get into a fight with a heretic god. The last one kinda fried my cart.

Robert Verlucci: Understood. We'll make it as durable as possible, but it won't stand up to an Authority no matter what.

Tianyu Yue: Shit, yeah, I figured. Is there any way you can make it drivable to a rabbit? I don't know how you'd do this, but maybe… attach miniaturized controls and a small steering wheel or something?

Robert Verlucci: Does… Does your rabbit know how to drive?

I could practically feel the palpable anxiety emanating through the phone screen. To be fair to the guy, it was a reasonable concern.

Tianyu Yue: I'm sure it'll be fine. She'll only be driving to get away from the battlefield. I'll teach her.

Robert Verlucci: If you say so, sir.

Tianyu Yue: I do say so. Can you make a logo?

Robert Verlucci: Did you have one in mind?

Tianyu Yue: I don't know. Something like this. But with a huge soup pot. Potatoes, carrots, and other veggies in it. And the rabbit should be white, relaxing in a jacuzzi.

Robert Verlucci: …

Tianyu Yue: Trust me, it's fine. I've never failed to pull customers like this.

Robert Verlucci: Yes, sir. Did you have a name for your new truck?

Tianyu Yue: Names? Stick to what I had. Call it the Lucky Rabbit's Snack Cart. Or Food Truck I guess since it's not really a cart anymore?

Robert Verlucci: Yes, sir.

Tianyu Yue: Oh, and the slogan. "Order now, or the rabbit gets it!"

Robert Verlucci: …

Robert Verlucci: If that's what you want, sir.

Robert Verlucci: We should have this for you tomorrow, sir.

Tianyu Yue: Perfect. Thanks, Rob. If you have anything you want for dinner tomorrow, let me know.

Robert Verlucci: I will, sir. Good day.

I leaned back into my comfy couch and let out a happy sigh. Fluffles hopped onto my lap and I gave her ears a good scritch. Now that I had bunny ears of my own, the act really felt much more intimate. I knew exactly where to scratch for best effect and I had her thumping her foot against my knee in moments.

"So," she began, "what now? You got magic food. You have a food truck being custom-made just for you."

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I do still have most of the day…"

I lounged around for half an hour, just running my fingers through her fur. She was delightfully soft and petting her was relaxing. Was it weird to use a guardian spirit as a comfort animal?

That was the whole point, surely?

Then I got bored. I kicked my feet and stood, tossing Fluffles onto my shoulder. "Alright, enough lazing around. Let's go do things."

"Do what?"

"I have no clue, but I'm going to go explore. I've got a day and a half to hang out so we may as well put it to good use."

"Ugh, fine. What're you even trying to find?"

"I don't know, that's the fun of it."

I ended up walking with Fluffles all across Manhattan. I took in the sights and smells and most importantly, the sounds. It was still a marvel to me just what I could hear if I had a mind to. I heard students squabbling in a school six blocks away. I heard someone cuss out a taxi driver for making him late to a business meeting. I heard some aspiring superhero juggle knives for bystanders.

What that had to do with heroics was beyond me, but I wasn't a hero so what did I know?

I did as I always did when I had nothing else to do. I allowed my feet to absentmindedly carry me to the nearest market that caught my fancy.

Except, I wasn't shopping for clothes, games, or whatever else people my age looked for. Instead, what caught my eye was a butcher shop, the Florence Prime Meat Market on 5 Jones Street in Greenwich Village.

It was a tiny, hole-in-the-wall sort of place, with sawdust covering the floor and meat hanging from metal hooks.

"Proudly serving premium cuts since 1936," read a sign out front.

Curious, I took a quick peak into the shop. Just looking at what they had on the racks out front, I could tell these guys knew what they were doing.

I smiled and walked into the store, always happy to meet a foodie.

"Ey!" a chubby, balding man yelled at me. "Ya can't bring that here!"

"Huh?"

"The rabbit. Pet stays outside, pal."

"Ah, sorry." I looked at Don Fluffles on my shoulder. I didn't think he'd believe me if I told him Fluffles was perfectly capable of behaving herself.

I stepped outside and grabbed Don Fluffles by the scruff of the neck. I brought her to eye-level and stared her down. "If I let you go free, are you going to cause trouble?"

She shrugged. "Who? Me? I'm a bunny. What's the worst that can happen?"

"You're a supersonic bunny with enough brute force to pull a jet liner behind you."

"Ehh. It'll be fine. It's not like I care enough to mess with people."

"Fine, I'm going to go have a chat with them, see if I can get some custom steaks. I don't know how long it'll take so don't wander too far."

"Cool, you have fun. It smells funky in there anyway," she chirped before hopping away. She ducked between some woman's legs before zipping off towards the nearest park.

I rolled my eyes. I'd probably find her later rolling around in some clovers or eating her way through someone's herb garden. I reentered the shop. "There, no bunny. How's it going, old man?"

"Old? Ya think I'm old? Feh! What do you know, punk?"

I took a deep sniff. Fluffles was right. Dry-aged meat always had a bit of a funky smell to it, consequence of the controlled mold buildup, but the smell was far stronger to me now. It wasn't bad, but I could see why she didn't like it.

I gestured to the rib roast hanging from a rack. "I know that's aged 28 days by the color."

"Eh? Not bad. What about that rump over there?"

"18 days. Maybe a little more. Could use a bit more work. You probably brought one out to cut open to see how that batch is doing. They're both good quality though. USDA Prime?"

"Damn straight. Only the best here. You a chef?"

"Yup."

He offered me a happy grin, his demeanor far friendlier now. "That's great, kid. Always happy to have a customer who knows what he's talking about. What can I get ya?"

"I'm thinking a rib roast. I've got two important guests coming over tomorrow. I don't know exactly what they'll want, but if they decide they don't want prime rib, the meat'll keep as long as I need it to anyway."

"Alright, let me get one down for ya. Anything else?"

I looked around. The store clearly specialized in beef, but I also saw several types of smoked sausages, mostly done in traditional Italian style. Odd, because I thought Greenwich Village was founded by German immigrants. I would've expected something a bit more Central Europe.

Then again, I wasn't a historian. So long as the meat was good, who cared?

"You sell any other kind of animal 'sides pork and cow?"

The old butcher shrugged. "Ehh, not really. We occasionally get wild game. Duck. Rabbit. Boar. That sorta thing." He gave me a side-eye. "Ya ain't opposed to rabbit, are ya?"

"Nah, braised rabbit's great. Why do you think I have Fluffles? She's my emergency food supply."

"Hah! That's a good one. Was there some animal you were looking for? I can't promise I have it, but I'll probably know who might."

I shrugged. Over my travels I'd gotten to work with plenty of exotic ingredients, from tarantulas in Thailand to reindeer in Siberia. On North America…

"Bison," I told him. "I've worked with bison meat before, but it came pre-packaged. I wouldn't mind working with the whole animal fresh."

He stroked his beard. "Huh. Ya don't think small, do ya?"

"What's the fun in that?"

"Heh, true enough. But for that, ya gotta go straight to the farms. The best ones are all the way out in South Dakota, usually owned by a Native American reservation. I don't really see whole carcass bison around here."

"Ehh, fair enough. It's something to keep in mind. I'm something of a wanderer anyway."

The two of us shot the breeze for a bit. The old butcher, Gabriel was his name, turned out to be extremely knowledgeable about his craft. His granduncle started the business because so many of his family were in the ranching business and doubled as hunters part-time. He packed the rib roast for me in minutes, but I stuck around chatting and watching him work.

His knife skills weren't bad either. He held the butcher's cleaver like the old hand he was, with a firmness and strength that was probably close to the mortal limit of skill. This was a man who spent his entire life perfecting his craft.

He rose up several notches on my esteem.

As we talked, he told me his son was getting into smoking so I gave him the recipe for a dry rub I'd developed for personal use during my stay down in Argentina. It was a bunch of chicken scratch scribbled on a napkin, but he seemed interested enough and promised he'd try it.

Satisfied I'd made a new friend, I thanked Gabriel for his beef and headed back out into the street.

Hopefully, Don Fluffles hadn't gotten herself into any trouble.

Author's Note

Nothing to say that chat on Akun hasn't heard from me so have an animal fact:

One of the oldest breeds of domestic rabbit in the world is the Angora rabbit, native to Turkey (Turkiye if you care). Angora, which is now more commonly called Ankara, is the capitol of the nation. The rabbits are bred for wool and meat. Every three months or so, they use shears or just pluck the fur by hand, without pain relief.

Suffering, thy name is bunny.

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