God? Devil? Fuck that, I'm gonna be a bunny

by Fabled Webs

Or: How an American chef became a jade beauty by murdering a goddess because avocados are bad for the environment.

7. Kidnapping is a viable HR strategy

Preface

Short interlude then Laura. Remember, people rolled for this nonsense.

Interlude: Don Fluffles

I raised my adorable paws into the air and let out a triumphant shout. "I. AM. FREE!"

Sure, it sounded like a whole lot of squeaking to humans, but what the fuck did they know? Only human worth shit was my master and he was an idiot.

"Aww, it's a bunny!" I heard one of them squeal. Some blonde woman with too much product in her hair reached down to pick me up.

"No. Get your grubby paws off me," I yelled, leaping up in a pale blur. I landed on her face and kicked off, jumping onto the curtain awning of some restaurant.

"Ah!"

"Heather, you okay?" one of the human's friends tried to comfort her.

I didn't look back. I blurred out of sight and began to hop across the rooftops.

I was zipping along, enjoying my newly granted speed, when I found someone I recognized. She had raven-black hair and pale skin with green eyes that I supposed humans might call pretty. She sat in a crouch on the corner of a rooftop overlooking the street below.

She was knife-hands, that one idiot that tried to steal Tianyu's wallet.

Which meant she had no clue what a Campione was.

Which meant she wasn't anyone worth mentioning.

But… But Tianyu offered her a job once. He took pity on her and she rejected out of pride. I scoffed and was about to turn away but recognized where we were.

She sat overlooking the large park we served food at before. The remnants of our old snack cart had been cleared, but there was still a noticeable burn mark on the concrete sidewalk. Was… Was she waiting for food?

Huh… I did vaguely recall Tianyu telling her to find him if she ever wanted some food. He told her where he'd likely be and she probably remembered his scent.

I considered what to do about the knife-girl.

On one hand, she had spurned the compassion of the bunny, an insult of the highest order. That deserved punishment.

On the other hand, Tianyu was my master and I his guardian beast. His will ought to be considered. He would never deny a customer. "Food is life! Cooking is art! Cuisine is history!" he'd always say.

Well, not that I disagreed. And as food is life, it belongs to everyone, even ingrates like this one. Tianyu would not turn away a hungry soul. It went against his nature.

I thumped my foot in thought. "Hmm… I suppose that makes my decision simple, doesn't it?"

Then the wind shifted. She jerked her head on a swivel to find me behind her. "What?"

I raised a paw in greeting. "Yo. No, wait, you don't understand me. Ugh, humans…"

"A… rabbit… You smell like the rabbit-boy."

"No shit, genius."

I hopped towards her. I'd take her to him, but that didn't mean I couldn't have my fun, right?

I leapt for her face, before taking a fat chomp of her nose.

"AHH!" she yelped, more in surprise than pain. Her hands reached for me, but I was already back on the rooftop so she only ended up slapping her own face.

"Hehehehehe," I laughed, thumping my hindleg. I shot her a shit-eating grin that couldn't possibly be misinterpreted.

"You fucking-I'm going to skin you alive," she growled. The claws came out.

I turned away and showed her my rump before lifting a leg. impossible to misunderstand. I wasn't sure why it was insulting to humans, but human culture was weird anyway. Maybe it was because humans couldn't see 360 degrees? Turning the back would be like saying "You're unworthy of my time?"

I shrugged. Didn't care. All that mattered was that it worked.

She let out an infuriated growl and pounced. I waited for the absolute last second before vanishing in a blur, only to alight gently on her head.

Reaching down with a paw, I stroked her hair as condescendingly as I could. "There, there. It must be awful being so slow," I crooned.

With another growl, she swiped my position but I saw it coming from behind me. Rabbit eye-position was superb, thank you very much.

We played a game of cat and mouse. Every time she got bored, I rushed in and took a bite out of her nose. It'd heal in seconds of course, but I wasn't trying to hurt her, just tweak her nose. Literally.

I could see her face growing redder and redder as she realized I wasn't going to leave her alone. She clearly handled herself like a trained fighter. No, she handled herself like a trained killer, someone who happily took on damage to land that single, critical strike.

It was a fighting style I'd not seen even among those kung fu nuts my master was marrying into.

Didn't matter though. I was faster.

We played together for fifteen minutes before she grabbed her hair in frustration. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"I want to give you a good meal. How 'bout it?" I chirped cheerily. Then seeing how she didn't understand anything I was saying, I turned and gestured with my forepaw towards the butcher shop.

"Follow you? You want me to follow you?"

I nodded, hopping onto another rooftop.

She folded her arms across her chest. "No. I'm not following you, you stupid rabbit," she huffed.

I blurred forward and laughed as I saw her flinch and grab for her nose. Instead, I landed next to the ledge and gestured towards the park.

"I-I wasn't looking for him."

I stared at her, unconvinced.

"I wasn't! God, what the hell am I doing? I'm talking to a rabbit…" I stared some more before pawing at the park below. A low grumble came from her stomach. I looked up at her pointedly. "S-Shut up… I don't need charity."

I rolled my eyes. She was hungry but didn't want to be lead to food. What kind of dumbass was this?

I hopped into her sternum, just hard enough to knock the wind from her lungs. Then, I snatched the back of her collar in my mouth and hopped towards the butcher shop.

"Hey! Let me go!"

"Nope. Tianyu would be disgraced if he didn't feed someone looking for food," I replied, not that she understood.

"Fuck… I'm being kidnapped by a rabbit."

X

Tianyu Yue/Luca Bailey

I stepped outside the butcher shop, a delicious rib roast wrapped in parchment paper in my backpack. I twirled a miniature thermos of godspeed espresso around my fingers absentmindedly.

"Now, where is Fluffles…"

I didn't make it four steps before that question was answered for me. She jumped down from a rooftop onto the sidewalk with catlike grace.

I stared at her. I thought it was cats who brought random animals to their owners? "Fluffles? Who is that in your mouth?"

The pretty, black-haired woman growled under her breath. "Get your rabbit off me… please."

I looked closer and realized I knew this one. Sort of. "Wait, aren't you the girl who tried to steal my wallet?"

Her face was beet-red with embarrassment. There was an audible sense of defeat in her voice. "Please get your freakish rabbit to leave me alone."

"Fluffles?" My trusty rabbit spat out her shirt and hopped onto my shoulder. "Where'd you find her?"

"You know how you offered her a job and told her she could find you in that big park?"

"Yeah…?"

"Well, I saw her hanging around a rooftop looking at where we used to be before that thunder-guy zapped our cart."

I turned back to her. "Oh, you're hungry? Why didn't you say so?"

"I'm not-!" Her denial was promptly interrupted by the rumbling of her stomach.

I grinned knowingly. "Not hungry, eh?"

"S-Shut up!"

"You can't lie to Don Fluffles, you know. Sorry you couldn't visit my cart, some asshole blew it up so I'm getting a new truck made."

"I wasn't-Wait, you understand that monster?"

I waggled my ears back and forth. "Of course. What? You don't speak bunny?"

"You…"

I let out a happy laugh. Still, I decided to let up. Regenerator or not, the constant twitch she developed on her eyebrow couldn't be healthy. Instead, I offered her a hand. "Sorry Fluffles was a bit forceful."

She stared at my hand like it'd grow scorpions. Then, seeing I wasn't going to hit her, she took it gingerly. "Your rabbit is a menace."

"Fluffles? She's not that strong. Just a bit of a prankster." The twitching got worse. Was it something I said?

I laughed and dragged her along by the hand. "Come on, you Freddy Kreuger discount. Let's get you some lunch."

I felt her dig in her heels and pull ineffectually. "I don't need charity," she repeated mulishly. "And I'm not a discount Freddy!"

"Well someone decided to leave last time without introducing herself. What else am I supposed to call you? Do you prefer Miss Scissorhands?"

"No."

"Jack the Ripper?"

"Laura. My name is Laura, you insufferable woodland creature," she spat through gritted teeth.

"Hi, my name is Tianyu," I chirped back. "Seriously, if you're that worried about owing me something, don't be. Let's just call this payment for bunny-sitting for me, alright? That butcher shop doesn't allow pets indoors." I felt a harsh bite on my earlobe. "Oh, you know what I mean, Fluffles."

"Whatever. I can walk on my own."

"Are you going to try to run?"

"…"

"Seriously, just relax and enjoy the free lunch."

"… I can pay."

I grinned. She'd gone from actively trying to escape to offering me money. My business development skills were truly divine! Still, I let out a soft snort. "No you can't."

"Even that steak couldn't cost more than $100."

"You'd be surprised, but this costs $640. Rib roasts are expensive, especially if they're dry-aged and USDA Prime like this one."

"You can't possibly expect to sell that at a snack cart. No one who eats there would afford it."

"It's for two guests I'm having over tomorrow. Besides, this should get me six portions easy at least."

"Well I can pay."

I laughed. "You know, the last person who offered to pay for a custom-made dish from me offered to make me the EVP of Cuisine at a luxury resort in Macau with a six figure salary. Don't worry, bunny-sitting Don Fluffles is easily worth that much."

She followed me home with minimal fuss after that. I wasn't sure what kind of luck I had to run into her like this again, but I was keeping what Luo Hao said in mind: Campione were beings who were simultaneously favored and loathed by destiny.

Who knew? Perhaps Laura was destined to be an acquaintance of mine.

X

Laura looked out over the horizon with wide-eyed wonder. "You… live… here…?"

"Yup. A friend gave it to me yesterday so I'm as new to this as you are."

"You weren't lying about the Macau thing, were you?"

"I was not," I shrugged, dumping the aged roast onto the countertop. "I'm the best chef in the world. And I do mean that literally by the way."

"Huh… must be nice…" she said wistfully.

"I mean, yeah, I'm really proud of my cooking. I travel all over the world with a food cart to learn more about different cuisines. Why? Want to learn how to cook a steak?"

"I… I'd like that."

"Alright, give me a sec. You have any allergies?"

"No. Even if I did, my regeneration would fix it."

"Nice. Anything you like to eat as a side?"

"Food."

I felt myself sweatdrop a little. "Anything specific? I've got asparagus, rapini, parsnips… Ooh, there's still some basil and heirloom tomatoes from last night so I can make a nice caprese if that's good."

"I… understood tomatoes and basil," she said.

I froze. Tears stung my eyes. This. This was a tragedy. How could someone's palate be this undeveloped? "No."

"What?"

"No. This will not stand. I am Tianyu, the Jade Rabbit. By my name, by the throne of the Lunar Palace, this. Will. Not. Stand. You are expanding your palate if it's the last thing I do!"

"It's just food."

For the second time in as many minutes, I froze. My head creaked towards her like a wooden doll. In the corner of my vision, I could see Fluffles bury her head in her paws but that didn't matter right now.

"Just… food…? Just. Food?"

"What's the big deal? It's lunch. It's fine as long as it fills you up, right?"

I grabbed her with a hand clasped on each shoulder. I stared her dead in the eyes and willed her to pay attention. "Food is life, therefore it is the foundation of everyone and everything that lives. Cooking is art, for it is one mastered over a lifetime of blood, sweat and tears. Cuisine is history, for it is the intangible but immutable record of culture and society. Do you understand?"

She stared at me with wide eyes. "O-Okay… Can you please let go now?"

I blinked and willed myself back. The unnatural presence of a Campione, Laura got to feel just a tiny hint of it. "Sorry," I apologized. "I'm… really passionate about cooking…"

"I can see that…"

"Come on, I was being serious though. I'm going to teach you about loads of different foods. I'll keep the recipes simple so you can help."

"A-Alright…"

I tossed her two russet potatoes. "First up, starch. Peel those."

"Okay…"

She let out her claws but I took her hand and pushed them back in with my fingers. "No. That's unhygienic. Sure, it'll be fine for us since you regenerate and I'm me, but you should get in the habit of preparing food in a way that's not going to risk a bacterial infection."

"My hands are clean," she said with a pout."

"Maybe, but your claws pop out of your knuckles, and that means they're carrying your blood." I handed her a peeler. "Here, use this."

She took it with a huff but made no further complaints. Her eyes drifted to my hands as I began to work on the vegetables. "That's a good knife," she commented.

"The best. Luo Hao, my fiance, had it commissioned for me."

"Fiance? You're engaged?"

"Yeah. Is that weird?"

"I… I thought this was some complicated way to get me in bed," she said sheepishly.

"What? No! You're pretty, but I'm very happy with Luo Hao. I told you, this lunch is for bunny-sitting. I know how Fluffles can be. This is just a way for me to say thank you, okay?"

"Whatever," she said, but I could spy a hint of rosy pink on her cheeks. This girl didn't handle compliments well. Which, coupled with her willingness to self-harm and zero preference concerning food, really said a lot about the way she grew up.

That just made my self-imposed mission all the more important. I wanted to do more than just feed her belly; I wanted to show her just how wonderful cooking can be.

My knife became a blur as I finely minced garlic, rosemary, and thyme. It all went into a bowl with room temperature butter with just a pinch of salt. Mixing them all with a spoon, I said, "Blend a bunch of herbs together like this and fold it into butter with just a bit of salt. Then you wrap it and put it in the fridge to stiffen up a bit. This is basically what high-class steakhouses serve for their herb butter. It's simple and takes about five minutes but it's really impressive if you do it right because the herbs will roast as you baste the steak, making everything smell fantastic."

"Uh-huh. I'm done with the potatoes."

"Good, put them in the pot of water please." When she did so, I rubbed my hands together with fire qi before bringing it to a boil. "You should start boiling water earlier if you can't do that obviously. You don't need to stress about overcooking them much, just stick a fork in them every ten minutes or so and take them out when they're soft. Also, salt the water. I already did that, but when you cook starch of any type."

"Right," she replied. "What now?"

The two of us worked like this, with me explaining every single thing I did and why I chose to season X with Y. That was the crux of cooking, what made it all so fascinating to me. Even something as mashed potatoes could have an incredible depth of variety in skill and technique.

When we really got going, I got Laura to admit she enjoyed the herby, leafy smells, which I rewarded by throwing in fennel fronds and extra sprigs of rosemary as garnish. She ended up being more interested than I thought even she expected.

We worked until we each had a plate of ribeye, mashed potatoes, rapini, asparagus, and parsnips. I didn't cheat with magic as much as I might have otherwise, if only to teach Laura how long it might take without me. It was a lot for lunch, but fuck it, I wasn't doing anything else and leftovers could easily be saved for dinner.

I also took some of the wine Annie bought and used it to make a quick pan sauce that shone a wonderful, rich, brown color.

"So, remember what went into the seasoning for the rapini and asparagus?"

"Chili flakes. Lemon. Garlic. Salt. I think that's it?"

"Yeah, that's right. Parsnips got a coating of honey, salt, and black pepper you can use on carrots too."

"Why did you make so much?"

I slid the plates over to her. "I told you. I'm going to expand your palate. try both the asparagus and rapini. You'll find they taste very different even though they got the same seasoning blend. Go on, try and tell me what you like better."

She tried to look calm and collected, but I could see drool welling up in her mouth. Taking a fork, she speared a rapini stalk and brought it to her mouth.

"Mmm!"

"How is it?"

"Ish sho good!" she said, before catching herself with an awkward cough. "It's good."

I rolled my eyes but didn't call her on it. "Alright, now the asparagus."

"Mnnnnn~" she moaned, a sound that would likely be censored on the radio.

"Guess you like this one better? Asparagus holds its texture better than rapini or most other vegetables because it's so fibrous. That extra chew can give it a deeper flavor while the rapini heads soak up whatever spices you use better. It's a matter of preference as to which one you like more. Now compare the potatoes and parsnips."

"Ah… I like the chew of the parsnips but I don't like how sweet it is."

"Huh, alright, that's good to know. You can cook parsnips with a blend of salt and pepper instead of a honey glaze too. The practice is the same."

She nodded vigorously, already eyeing the medium-rare steak. "Got it."

"You're barely listening."

"I am!"

I laughed and slid the pan sauce over. "Here. Take some more and spoon it over the steak. Remember, meat should rest roughly half as long as you cook it. If you cook it ten minutes, rest it five. That's why I had you try the vegetables first."

"Why?"

"Even if you take it off the heat, it'll continue to cook for a few minutes. Basically, the outside is very hot and the inside isn't. Resting it gives the meat time to balance out the temperature and cook the inside more evenly while preserving the tasty juices."

"Got it…" she brought the food to her mouth.

Instead of a sensual moan, she placed her elbows on the counter and began to sob. It started as a slight tremor of her shoulders, but quickly became full-fledged sobbing.

"Laura? What's wrong?"

"Why? Why does this hurt so much?"

"Ah, fuck. You're not allergic to beef, right? You said you had no allergies!"

"Not that, you ass!" She yelled, before choking on her own spit as she hiccupped. "I… This is the first steak I've ever had…"

I heard her loud and clear. I heard what she wasn't saying, what she was too afraid to put to words. Gently, I placed one arm around her. "Take your time and really savor it then. There's plenty where this came from."

"Tianyu?"

"Yes?"

"… Thanks…" she said, an almost inaudible whisper.

"You're welcome, Laura."

X

I took pride in my cooking. That went without saying, but it was something that was so foundational to my identity that I'd long since become a chef who could do more than simply fill bellies.

In a way, Laura reminded me of Mana, that crazy chick I met in Europe that one time. My food had touched her heart too, albeit in a very different way.

Frankly, it was uncomfortable. It was awkward. It made me wonder if I'd accidentally drugged them or something.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. Food that could touch hearts suit me well. After all, food was life.

I allowed Laura to eat at her own pace and cut up some alfalfa and carrots for Don Fluffles before tucking in to my own dish. Afterwards, she sat around the kitchen island as I did the dishes at super-speed.

"Tianyu?"

"Yes, Laura?"

"What are you?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you?" she repeated.

"I'm a bunny." I could feel the glare piercing the back of my head. "And a chef."

"Why? Why are you so nice to me?"

I shrugged. "You're someone who's hungry. I'm a chef. That isn't complicated, is it?"

"No… I guess not…"

"Say, Laura?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you do when you're… you know…"

She eyed me with an arched brow. "Not being a whore?"

"Sorry."

"Ehh, I'm over it. Gotta eat somehow. And I train. I… Have you ever heard of the Facility?"

"No, but that tone makes me think I'm not going to like them."

"They kidnap child supers and train them into mercenaries. Super-soldiers for whoever's got the fattest wallet. Bodyguards. Assassins. Kidnapping. Theft. Espionage. Doesn't matter what the job is, so long as you can pay."

I connected the dots. "You grew up there."

"Yeah… Don't even remember my parents. Not sure if I had any. Might just be some test tube baby for all I know," she said with a dejected shrug. "I lived there until I was sixteen. Then when I got out…"

"You had only a few things you knew how to do and none you wanted to do for a living," I finished for her. She nodded softly. "So you train. Are… Are they after you?"

"You said you were offering me a job," she changed tacks abruptly. "Is that still available?"

I let out a bark of laughter. "Of course it is. Is that what you want? To come with me while I travel the world?"

Laura scoffed, but there was a bit of playfulness that was absent before. Her emerald eyes stared me down mockingly as she flipped her hair behind her. "What? No interview?"

"Fine, here's your interview. Can you drive?"

"Yes?"

"Are you afraid of getting into fights occasionally?"

"What part of 'child soldier' makes this even a question?"

"Can you peel a potato?"

"Sure?"

"Do you like cooking?"

"I've only really cooked today. How would I know?"

"What you've done so far. Do you like cooking?"

"Yes…?"

I clapped my hands with a huge smile. "Congratulations, you're hired."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"I'm a trained assassin."

"You got your ass kicked by my bunny. Forgive me if I'm not afraid of you," I deadpanned.

"I have an entire mercenary army of super-soldiers after me."

"If they're anything like you, I'm really not afraid of them."

"Asshole."

"Laura, trust me, the world is a very big place. This Facility or whatever? They're not a concern."

"Promise?" she asked, her mood quieting solemnly. "Promise that you'll live. Promise that the Facility can't take you from me."

That was a simple promise. There were precisely six others in the world who could claim to be my peers and last I checked, this Facility sure as hell wasn't sponsored by any of them. Her demand made me wonder though: Just how many people had she lost? How often did she make a friend, only for a hit squad from the Facility to kill them in front of her?

"I promise," I said. "I swear before the throne of the Lunar Palace that I won't leave you."

"Why do you say that? That 'Lunar Palace' stuff."

I smiled and placed an arm around her. "There is so much for you to learn."

"Whatever. What am I supposed to do for you anyway?"

"Drive the car. Help me prep food. Learn to cook. That's it, really."

"You're not going to ask me for sex?"

"Again, fiance. Oh, did you want to learn to fight? I could teach you a few things Luo Hao showed me."

"I can fight," she said dryly. I stared pointedly at Don Fluffles, who sat on the counter grooming herself. "I can!"

"Sure, sure. We can work on that."

X

She didn't believe me.

She didn't believe me when I told her about Campione, gods, magic, and other nonsense that had so pervaded my life.

My strength? "Just won the power lottery."

My rabbit? "Has to be some genetic experiment."

In her defense, everything I said sounded ridiculous. Who would believe that some random rabbit was fast enough to match A-Train? Or that a chef could beat Homelander? What the hell was a Lunar Palace?

I eventually got sick of her skepticism and dragged her outside.

"Alright," I said. "I'm going to prove to you that what I'm saying is real. You're not just becoming my apprentice chef, you're joining the retinue of the Seventh Campione."

She rolled her eyes but stuck around, at least willing to humor me. "Sure, oh mighty one."

I gave her the stink-eye. "You're really going to give me lip about this, huh?"

"I' sorry I don't believe you've killed a god with an avocado."

"I… You know what? Fair. That's fair. You're being completely reasonable. It's a perfectly rational stance to take."

She stared at me as I took a step towards her with an innocent smile on my face. "Why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm going to show you that I wasn't lying."

"I don't like the way you're looking at me, Tianyu."

I took another step towards her. "How else can I convince you except by taking you to see the Jade Rabbit in person?"

"How are you going to introduce me to someone who's dead?"

"She's a god, she can't die for real."

"Gee, and you were starting to sound so convincing."

I blurred forward and picked her up in a bridal carry. "Deeds, not words, my lovely apprentice~"

"What are you doing? Let me down, you playboy bunny!" she squawked. She thrashed but did fuck all against my durability. Claws came out, but all she managed to do was punch holes in my suit jacket. "What are you made of?"

"Godslayer. Now hang tight," I grinned down at her. I took a sip of godspeed coffee and I was off.

Godspeed was one of the most powerful techniques in a Campione's arsenal just short of an Authority in itself. The espresso flooded my veins with power as I broke every law of physics known to man.

I moved many, many times the speed of sound, yet didn't so much as rustle a single leaf as I ran by. Nor did I dislodge Fluffles from my shoulder or crush Laura's body into paste with my momentum.

I ran straight east across the Atlantic, the waves doing nothing to slow my advance. If anything, the ocean welcomed me, straightening itself to a mirror sheen as if to make straight paths for me. It was about three or four in the afternoon in New York, meaning I only had to run about three or four hour's worth in time zones to catch up to the moon.

Was that how it worked?

Fuck if I knew, I wasn't an astronomer. It helped me conceptualize where I was going so that was fine. I just had to run until I saw the moon in the sky anyway.

When i stopped, it was in the middle of the Atlantic, probably closer to Europe than to North America. I grinned and dropped Laura into the water.

"Wha-Hey!" she complained as she ate a mouthful of salt. She surfaced and leveled me with a look that promised swift retribution. "What the hell was that for?"

I gestured towards my feet. "Not running. Still standing on water. How?"

"I don't know, you're cooky. Maybe you have magic and it's real. But gods?"

"Fair enough." I gestured and the water lifted her until she could stand next to me. Then, I willed the key into my hand with a flourish. "Ta-dah! How about now?"

"How did-No. Sleight of hand," she said, though she looked less sure by the minute.

I channeled some qi into it and the gates of the Lunar Palace opened before me.

"Yup. Had this in my sleeve the whole time," I drawled.

"How-"

I didn't let her finish. Taking her hand, I dragged her across the threshold and into the netherworld.

I thrust my arms wide and bellowed, "Be amazed, Laura! For you are the first mortal to ever step into the divine sanctum of the Jade Rabbit!"

"Pffttt! Hahahahahahahaha!" She fell to her knees, clutching her stomach in laughter. "Hahahaha, yeah, I'm amazed alright."

It was only then that I forgot. I… may have made a slight miscalculation… In front of me stood the rabbit hutch, along with the original signpost my predecessor made to "welcome" me to her realm.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking avocados. I hope you are forced to listen to every chubby, wrinkly neighbor masturbate for the rest of your life. Enjoy the bunny's gift. Aren't I a magnanimous goddess?

-Jade Rabbit I

I slouched and felt my ears droop down to my chin as a cocktail of embarrassment and dejection set in. "Fluffles?"

"Sup, boss?" The little shit wasn't even trying to suppress her chortles.

"Remind me to turn the Jade Rabbit into an actual rabbit and make her live here."

"Can you do that?"

"I'll find a way."

"Thought you weren't interested in anything besides cooking? Learning divine transfiguration sounds like a lot of work."

"Fuck it. For her? I might make an exception."

"Hehehehe, nothing motivates quite like humiliation, eh?"

"Damn straight." I straightened up and turned, the sudden motion catching Laura's attention. "Welp, this wasn't how I wanted to introduce my new minion to the magical world, but hey, it's funny. May as well own it, right?"

Laura looked at me. She tried to present a stoic countenance, but I could see the corners of her mouth twitching upward. "I take it this isn't the Lunar Palace?" She gestured to the sky above, where the earth could be seen looming over the horizon, six times larger than the moon. "I mean, we're on the moon, right?"

"We are, but you're right, the hutch is something a… friend…? Homeless bum? Alchemy mill? I don't know what she is to me anymore. It's something she set up to fuck with me and I'm leaving it because it's funny."

"Even if it's embarrassing?"

"Especially because it's embarrassing," I affirmed. "Pops used to say a man ought to know how to laugh at himself. Can't take yourself too seriously, you know? Now come on, let me show you the real palace."

"Sure, boss," she shrugged. She seemed largely willing to go along with the whole "gods are real" thing now. Then again, I'd carried her across the ocean just to find the moon and opened a portal to said moon, only to show her a sign mocking me.

If anything, the mocking note may have helped to sell the story. I wouldn't go this far just to ridicule myself after all.

I slung an arm around her shoulder and flipped her around, taking inordinate satisfaction at the way her whole body froze. In Laura's defense, the view really was breathtaking. Even now, I found myself standing around just to take in the sight of the entrance.

Smugly, I jabbed her lightly in the ribs. "This, my lovely apprentice, is the Lunar Palace. Or, the entryway anyway. Come on, there's a lot to show you."

I felt the boundary line allow us passage, Laura being granted access by virtue of my presence. The tingle of magic that ran down our backs made her visibly shiver, as though she recognized something was there but couldn't quite put her finger on what.

I'd already figured that Laura Kinney was not an expressive person. Her work as a child soldier and assassin then as a prostitute made her an exceptionally good actress. There were moments when she lost her composure, but I had a feeling that outside the bullshit that was my and Fluffles' existence, she was typically the unflappable sort.

So I took inordinate amounts of pleasure in seeing the mask she'd mastered through her training and experience shatter into a million pieces as she beheld the miracle of existence. To be fair to her, if the entrance was an impressive sight, what with the obviously mystical fountain and the earth looming in the backdrop, the palace itself was a world unto itself.

After a solid minute of gawking, she finally spoke. "I thought you said a palace?"

I shrugged and made a so-so gesture. "Ehh… Kinda? The Lunar Palace is more like a compound, or four mashed into one, really. Each of the four contains seven minor palaces atop their own mountains, representing a day in the lunar cycle. Twenty-eight total for the full waxing and waning of the moon. It's all symbolic and stuff."

"What… What do you do with all this?"

"Me? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Each of the four compounds are guarded by a divine beast. I haven't met any of them, but they're supposed to be as strong as minor gods in their own right. They're the ones who administer all this territory and report to Chang'e, the Chinese moon goddess. I left her in charge."

"And… the Jade Rabbit?"

"She's around… probably. She's got her own little garden and alchemy shop though I haven't visited that either."

"You know, for someone who's supposed to be in charge of this place, you don't know much about it, do you?" she asked dryly.

"Hey, in my defense, this is only the third time I've ever been here," I protested. "But you're not wrong. So! To Chang'e!"

I swept her up in another bridal carry before zipping off, leaping across the mountains in seconds. Then, in one of the Azure Dragon's palaces, I still couldn't tell which one, I found a manservant. He was a humanoid fish, with a face that reminded me distinctly of a carp.

"Hello, do you happen to know where Chang'e is?' I asked him.

He bowed deep, with fin-like hands clasped in a traditional show of loyalty. His reply came out garbled. It was still recognizably Chinese, but there was a bubbling lisp that I had trouble parsing out. "Lady Chang'e has asked that she not be disturbed for the next several hours, master. But you are the Master of the Lunar Palace. Do you wish to see her?"

I shrugged. "Nah, let her have her privacy. Do you know where the Jade Rabbit is then?"

"She is in her alchemy lab, master," he glubbed.

"Alright then. Let's go, Laura. I actually know where that is!"

She stared at me skeptically. "Didn't you tell me you've never been there before?"

"Never been to her shop. She showed me her lab before."

"Sure. I'm walking this time," she stressed, taking a step back as I moved to carry her again.

I pointed to the next mountain over. "You plan to be there sometime today, right?"

She followed my finger, saw the mountain, and let out a defeated sigh. "Fine…"

"Just enjoy the bunny express. People would kill to be you, you know."

"Whatever."

I thanked the carp-man-thing and swept my grumpy assistant off her feet before taking off. There, I zipped off to one of the few locales I knew about.

Her lab was as messy as it was last time, the very posterchild of organized chaos. Random crystals, phials of colorful fluids, and rolled up scrolls waged war over desk space, with ingredients I couldn't even begin to name hanging from shelves and rafters.

There, I found her, the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen, until I met Luo Hao of course. She was poring over a dusty tome thicker than my arm. She was taking notes with a traditional horsehair brush, though with speeds that would make any calligrapher cry with envy. Seeing her made me want to introduce her to the marvel of modern stationary, but she clearly didn't need it. Amusingly, her ears were tied up and behind her in a hairband to not drape into the inkwell.

I gestured to the weakened goddess. She either hadn't noticed us, which would mean incredible focus considering her senses, or she didn't much care that we were here. "This, Laura, is the Jade Rabbit. She was the owner of the Lunar Palace before she gave it to me."

Laura frowned at that. "But… Why…? And why is she dressed like a slut?"

There was zero condemnation in her words. No judgment. No criticism. How could there be with the life she herself had led? It was just a simple observation, but that was enough to snap the goddess out of her focus.

In one instant, so fast that even I was caught by surprise, she placed her brush in the inkwell and reappeared in front of Laura, noses inches apart. "Say that again, mortal."

"Hey, hey, enough of that," I said, interposing myself between them. No matter how impressive Laura's regeneration was, I had zero confidence in her ability to survive a pissed off goddess. If nothing else, there was probably some potion in here that'd turn her regeneration into super-cancer or something equally horrific. "She's a guest, Jade. And she didn't mean any offense."

"Jade? Is that what you're going to call me now?"

"I mean… Yeah? Do you even have a personal name?"

"No. No I don't. But since you're the second Jade Rabbit, I suppose Jade is as fair a nickname as any," she mused. She then returned to glowering at Laura. "And who is this insolent mortal?"

"My new assistant," I explained. "She's very blunt but she's definitely not judging."

Laura shrugged. "If the shoe fits…"

"You're not helping, Laura. Jade isn't a slut. I'm not sure that she's had any lovers at all. She just… actually, why do you dress like that?"

My predecessor huffed irritably. "It's comfy. Why are you here, Tianyu?"

"Well, Laura had no idea of the magical world until today. She has bone claws and regeneration as a superpower-"

I was cut off by her derisive snort. "Oh, right, that thing. Mortal alchemists trying to create a way to harness mana and enhance natural affinities without training."

"You know about Compound V?"

"Know it? Of course I do. There isn't a single god of medicine or alchemy that doesn't. The theory isn't bad, but the creator got too ambitious. Alchemy is a way to enhance training, not supplant it. There is no substitute for hard work. And if you try, well…" she gestured dismissively towards Laura, "you get third rate garbage like that."

"Excuse me?" Laura snarled indignantly.

"Oh, no offense to you, darling. I'm sure you're the very picture of competence. Your 'superpowers' cannot develop. They will never improve. What you've got is what you're stuck with. Forever. Never will you explore the infinite mysteries of magic. Never will you test your limits and break through. I pity you in a way. Tianyu has revealed this wondrous world of power and magic to you, but here you are, stagnant. You are a frog in a well, doomed to look up at the stars above and wonder what could have been had you pursued magic with your own efforts instead of relying on some pathetic attempt at an elixir."

"Well, sorry I didn't have anyone to show me magic. I was a little busy being taught how to assassinate people when I was eight!"

I sighed. Reaching out, I flicked them both on the nose, cutting off Jade's retort. "That was harsh, Jade. Laura didn't choose to be who she was and she isn't that person now either. And Laura, don't call people sluts. You didn't know, but Jade's sexuality is a bit of a sore spot for her. Can we agree that you both stepped on some landmines and move on?"

Jade, to her credit, looked sufficiently chastised. Despite her temper, chivalry was something she valued very highly. "Sorry… I'm sorry for making fun of you. I shouldn't have said all that… Has Tianyu explained how faith affects gods?"

Laura still looked mulish, but she nodded minutely. "A little… I wasn't listening because I thought he was just bullshitting."

"Oi!" I cried, feeling the need to defend my honor. "Since when am I the type to bullshit?"

"You sicked that menace on me," she hissed, pointing at Fluffles on my shoulder.

"i… Okay, point, but that was funny!"

"You try being manhandled by something a tenth your weight and see how you like it!"

"Fine, I'm sorry. In my defense, I just let Fluffles out for a bit. I didn't tell her to find you or anything."

"She's your pet."

Fluffles blurred forward to nip her nose with an indignant squeak. "Who's a pet, bitch?"

"AH!" Laura's claws came out, hitting nothing but air.

Jade yanked Fluffles out of the air and cradled her to her chest. "Hey! Not in the lab! Do you have any idea how expensive this stuff is? These potions are literally priceless! As in impossible to get on earth!"

I slapped my palm to my face as they devolved into bickering. Why did I think the traumatized child soldier and weirdly sexy bunnygirl would get along again?

"Enough!" I shouted, bringing my hands together in a clap loud enough to be heard over them. "Anyway, I just wanted to introduce my new assistant to you, Jade, and prove to Laura that I wasn't lying about gods and whatnot."

"Well, mission accomplished, boss," Laura said wryly. "I don't think I want to meet any more gods though."

"Get used to it. You're a Campione's assistant now, kid," Jade grunted. "You're going to need to develop a high tolerance for bullshit. Fate weaves itself into knots where Campione are concerned."

"I thought I was hired to learn to cook?"

"That's how he gets you. With food."

"Wait, so the avocado thing wasn't a lie either?"

Jade whirled to glare at me, utter betrayal in her eyes. "You told her?"

Smirking, I reached up and ruffled her ears. "Of course. How can I lie about any aspect of your glorious legend, my lovely predecessor? Besides, you made me a midget!"

"Hahahahahaha," Laura guffawed. "I can't believe you died choking on guac! Some goddess!"

The lab filled with Jade's divine aura as she turned her ruby eyes on the sole mortal in the room. "Keep laughing. I can always use more alchemy ingredients."

"Fine, whatever. Is it like vampires and garlic?"

"Ugh, first mortal Tianyu brings over and it's you."

"Hey, anyone would laugh at you for dying to a fucking burrito."

I clapped again to get their attention. "Anyway, speaking of potions, I was hoping you could help her out. You know, fix her mana channels or meridians or whatever so she can learn more magic. Can you do that?"

Jade crossed her arms beneath her bust. "And why would I do that?"

"I don't know. I figured Peach Blossom Alchemy can do it too, but you're the expert."

"It's an Authority. Of course it can fix her. Mortal alchemy is never going to stand up to an Authority, especially not in its own domain like this."

"Huh… Neat."

Jade looked at me pityingly. "One of these days, you're going to learn to stop underestimating your Authorities."

"Hey, I've been at this for two weeks, alright? Cut me some slack. I wanted to hear it from the expert is all."

"Good, because I am the expert," she preened. "It's good that you acknowledge my brilliance."

"Yes, yes, we should all bow before your genius alchemy skills. Now, did you want anything from the mortal realm? I'm not actually sure what you do when you're not brewing things."

"I study about brewing things," she replied with a shrug. "What? Why do you think I gave you my estate? I mean, being stupidly wealthy is nice and all, but I'm an alchemist. I really just want my lab, my store, and… that's it, really."

"So you were just foisting your work on me when you did that? Some goddess of charity you are."

"Hey, charity is giving to the poor. And I did. Who says you can't reap the benefits too?"

"Fine, whatever. So there's really nothing?"

"Well… I wouldn't mind some of your cooking…"

"Oho, so you admit I'm a good cook?"

"That wasn't in doubt, you ass," she huffed.

"Sure, sure. I'll bring some food next time."

"Oh! And books about engineering. Especially the mortal space programs."

I frowned in confusion. I gestured to the space around us. "You seem more like a chemistry person, if you have any interest in mortal sciences at all."

"I don't. They're not for me; they're for Chang'e."

"Huh?" I tried to reconcile the woman I knew with science textbooks and came up blank.

"Chang'e."

"The tea-drinking super-secretary who manages the palace when I'm not around?"

"Is that really how you see her?"

"I mean… Kinda…? That sounded a lot nicer in my head, but I've only had one real conversation with her. I just didn't expect her to be into the sciences."

"She wasn't until… 2007… I think? Anyway, the Chinese government named their very first lunar satellite after her and that got her attention."

"Wait, is she going through a mythical transformation like you did?"

"No, of course not. Sure, the space program is popular and well-known in China, but it doesn't have the weight of history or any direct impact on her as a person or her as a legend. It's just a shared name. She heard, felt flattered, and has been on an engineering tick lately."

"Huh… I don't know why, but I thought gods couldn't change outside their legends."

"We can. We're people too, Tianyu. We just can't rebel against our legends without going heretic and this isn't that. It's really more of a passing curiosity for her."

"Yeah, I hear ya. Books on rockets and whatnot… I can do that. Is that what she's doing? She asked not to be disturbed apparently so that's why I came here."

"Probably? When she's not working on the garden or brewing new varieties of tea, she's set up a little workshop in the fourth turtle mansion."

"I'll keep that in mind. Later, Jade."

"Yeah, later, Tianyu, rude mortal."

"Fuck you too, bunbun," Laura sniped as she left.

I shook my head. Those two probably wouldn't get along anytime soon. I grabbed Laura by the shoulder as Fluffles hopped onto my head and led them out. I headed for the nearest carp-man so I could ask for directions to the closest kitchen. I had some alchemy to fix.

Author's Note

And with this, we're (mostly) caught up. Chapter 8 is in the works. Oh, and have your obligatory animal fact:

Greenland sharks have one of the slowest metabolisms of any complex animal, to the point that it takes then over a century to sexually mature. Yes, Greenland sharks are hundred-year virgins. Yes, they're all wizards.

On another note, sometimes, parasites eat and replace their eyeballs while they're still alive. But this is considered a good thing because the parasites wiggle like little worms, acting as lures. The eyesight of a Greenland shark is so poor that having their eyes replaced by literal worms is a step up from their current arrangement.

Nature's fucking scary is what I'm saying.

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