Le recul - Recoil
March 14th, 844
She never expected the view outside the Walls to be so grand.
Kuchel's heart hitched with surreal delight as they charged forward on horseback, the stray hairs from her bun flying back in the wind. It almost made her want to take her hair down altogether to let the wind rush through her long, dark tresses, but she refrained, knowing that her gear may have needed to be used at any moment. Titans could appear from anywhere, at any time, and having her hair get caught in the grapples would have been more than a pain in the ass.
She knew that the trio was revelling in it as much as she was, and the ravenette caught a glimpse of her son, his chin tilted up as his darling eyes took in the sight of the ever-expansive sky above their heads. Something about seeing it beyond the Walls was more intense, more invigorating.
"How is it, baby?" Kuchel chimed, clutching Ranya's reins against her palms as they rode. Levi could only flash the smallest, most imperceptible smile back to her before Flagon spat at them to pay attention. She couldn't even fathom a retort, because Erwin cut in to scold the other Section Leader. The clamoring and pounding of hooves was too loud for her to hear what he said– all she knew for certain was that his words had Flagon gritting his teeth.
As they rode, she kept her eyes peeled for Titans, but part of her mind wandered far away, back in time to her younger self. That little girl would never have imagined being above ground at all, much less outside the walls. Back in the Rookery days, she stared at the cavernous ceiling, wondering when she would get to live up with the sun, the trees, the big blue sky. It called to her, begged her to come see it, but even when they had visited her grandfather, Kuchel had felt as if she'd never seen enough.
Now she was a soldier, and no longer lived beneath the dirt, in the pits of Humanity.
The deafening sound of heavy footfalls shook her out of her thoughts, as did the quick shot of a red flare from the backlines.
"Two ten metre-class Titans approaching from the rear, one fifteen metre-class ahead!"
Her eyes immediately shot forward, watching as a figure emerged from behind the treelines ahead. Its arms were thrown in the air, and it stomped towards their formation with fervor, mouth open and teeth dripping with hungry saliva. It made her heart drop into her stomach, hell, it made it nearly fall out of her ass. That was a Titan?
It made her skin crawl, looking at it bumbling towards them, ready to swallow any of them whole at a moment's notice. Evil fucking thing.
The woman's light eyes hardened, and as she prepared to unsheathe her blades, Erwin casted a glance her way. "Stand down. Let one of the others handle this one, Cadet."
"But-"
"That's an order!"
Stubbornly, she bit her tongue, holding back curses as she watched Flagon hop off his horse, grappling towards the Titan after it bit someone in half. The sight of the blood made her skin gain a sickening pallor, and the sound of the soldier's other half falling to the ground made a stomach-churning thud echo in her mind. That was a person. He was alive just a moment ago, and now he was fucking dead.
In her internal panic, she neglected to realise that Levi had taken down a Titan of his own. The moment Kuchel looked back and didn't see Levi with Alexander, she almost lost her lunch. As they rounded a grouping of trees, she caught a glimpse of Isabel and Furlan charging the opposite way as well, making something inside her snap.
Tugging the reins back, the older woman broke the formation, much to Erwin and Shadis' dismay. The thrumming of her heart in her chest was unfathomable, indescribable, unbearable– Kuchel couldn't rest until she saw that her baby was alive.
And alive he was.
The other two had taken down the remaining Titan as Kuchel approached, sending it collapsing to the ground in a heavy, humongous heap. The ground shook with its weight connecting with the soil, making Ranya nearly rear up on her hind legs. "L-Levi!" She shouted frantically, getting the mare to proceed towards the duo. "Where's Levi? Where is he?"
"Right here!" Levi zipped down near them, landing on his feet as though he were an elegant little feather dancing upon the surface of a calm pond. Though Titan blood steamed off his shirt, he was unphased, and somehow that unsettled his mother even further.
"Baby, are you alright?" The breath in her lungs was burning, making tears prick her eyes in her flustered worry. "It didn't hurt you, did it?"
"No, Mama. I'm totally fine. Took it down without so much as a scratch." He promised her, turning around with his arms spread some to give her the chance at a once-over. Her noiret son was always right, of course, and this time was no different, with not so much as a scratch upon his jacket.
Impressive.
"So-"
"Levi." A booming voice interrupted her, belonging to none other than Section Leader Smith. He rode up to the group on his stallion, looking at Levi with his blue eyes serious, yet curious. "That was impressive. Congratulations on your first kills."
"Thanks, Section Leader!" Isabel chimed gratefully, bouncing back up onto her horse with a smile. As Furlan did the same, Levi remained on the ground, his eyes as sharp as his tongue.
"Thanks."
"But…" Oh, there was always a 'but'. "You're using too much gas, making unnecessary movements."
Kuchel's grip on the reins tightened as a tinge of anger trickled under her skin, especially seeing the incredulous look on Levi's face. "Too much gas? What's more important, my gas, or the lives of my comrades?"
"You can't save your friends if you don't have enough in your canisters, correct?" The blonde challenged, making her grit her teeth to stay quiet. What, was he saying that Levi should let people die and prioritise saving his gear, even if he knew he was capable of saving his fellow Scouts?
Much to her surprise, Levi remained quiet, though it was evident that the young man was ever-so-slightly clenching his jaw to bite back his vitriolic words.
Eventually, they set off once again, after regrouping and making sure that no one else had been maimed or killed by the Titans they'd encountered. However, the sight of that man being chomped into two pieces as though it were nothing.
That man had a family. He probably had a wife and kids. Or parents to go back home to– someone is going to grieve for him. How many people die on these expeditions?
Kuchel had no way of knowing that this was normal, for people to be lost within even the first hour of an expedition. Hell, she had no idea that those initial sixty minutes could be the most deadly, when Titans oh-so loved to meander around the bumper districts, like Shiganshina– by now, they knew humans came out of that little hole in the Wall, right? They must have been able to sense it, to feel it deep in their bones, their souls even, if they had them.
Did Titans have spirits?
The noirette certainly hoped not, lest she end up in Hell when she died, damned to have the marrow of her bones gnawed on for all eternity by those monsters.
After riding further into the unknown territory, the groups broke off a bit more, with Flagon's going to the left, while Erwin's veered to the right. Instinctually, Kuchel looked to her son as they were pried away, her eyes pleading and worried. "Come back to me, Levi!"
His firm nod was the last thing she saw before a barricade of trees came between them.
Trying to not let her anxiety get the best of her was a nearly impossible task in a situation such as this, her mind wandering as they charged forward. No flares had been shot off in a good, long while, which allowed part of her to relax. Maybe Levi, Furlan, and Isabel hadn't come across any more. Though, it was starting to rain, and as she pulled her hood up, her motherly worries kicked in once again.
Was he getting all wet, was he cold, was he wearing his cloak with the hood up?
When we get back, I'm going to make sure he takes a nice hot shower, rests up by the fire, and I'm going to go to Vinris to get ingredients for his favourite soup-
Her thoughts didn't go any further.
It was hard to think about menial things like cooking and warm blankets when a Titan had you grasped around your midsection in the blink of an eye.
Being on the flank of the formation, near the back lines, the noirette could see her blonde squad leader, as well as her other squad mates, their stances on guard, yet not in a way that indicated any hostiles were nearby. Ranya, seemingly irritated with the rain in her eyes, decided to slow down ever so slightly, and as Kuchel's mind raced, her eyes were locked aimlessly ahead, making it all the easier for a Titan that had been hiding in the treeline to swing its large hand out, plucking her right off her mare's back.
It took a split second for the woman to register what had happened, but when her feet were torn from the stirrups, and she felt the pressure around her ribcage, it dawned on her that she was in trouble.
Deep, deep trouble.
Her mind raced, though a million thoughts all ceased when her body was lifted higher into the rainy air, and she made the mistake of turning her face to look at just what had seized her in its hold.
Ba-dum.
The hairs on her body had stood on edge, nauseating prickles rushing across her skin.
Ba-dum.
The mindless 12-metre titan was staring at her struggling form trapped in its suffocating grasp.
Ba-dum.
She knew it had the desire to shove her down its gullet to store into its stomach, only to be regurgitated later.
Ba-dum.
Flailing in panic, time had somehow stopped as she moved closer and closer to its mouth, the revolting, grotesque scent of death and decay overwhelming her senses as her heartbeat rang in her ears.
Ba-dum.
Instinctually- for she had no mind to do this on her own- she screamed out for help, begging for someone to save her.
"Help! Help me!"
Ba-dum.
The desperation in her voice rang throughout the trees as her gaze was locked in tight by the blank, lifeless eyes gazing down at her form as she moved closer and closer to her demise.
Ba-dum.
At that moment, she couldn't hear the whirring of ODM, or the commands shouted out by Erwin on how to approach the damned thing that was about to eat her alive.
Ba-dum.
Blood roared in her ears, and she could have sworn that her heart had leapt into her throat, sobs and cries shaking her vocal cords as the Titan tipped her into its gaping maw.
Ba-dum.
Breaths ragged, her lungs burned from her wails for help as she took in the yellowed, tarnished teeth, knowing that if she somehow survived, she'd never forget the smell of the decaying flesh surrounding her as she kicked and caterwauled, but to no avail.
Ba-dum.
"LET ME GO! SOMEONE! PLEASE!"
Her life flashed before her eyes as the Titan began to close its mouth upon her, but just as she gave up all hope, it stopped entirely in its tracks, letting her go and opening its mouth to cry out in what seemed to be pain. Not that she cared.
There was a zipping sound that rang in her ears, and a hand reached in to yank her out by the arm, and within a moment, she was in none other than Erwin's arms, being brought to the ground as Miche and Nanaba took care of the Titan, who had collapsed backward and against an evergreen tree, steaming away and beginning to evaporate already.
As soon as Erwin let go of her, Kuchel stumbled away from him, vertigo swallowing her senses as she collapsed to her knees, losing the food she'd eaten that morning before they'd left. Oatmeal was even more gross-looking after being half-digested and hurled into Titan blood-stained grass.
It was hard to give a shit about them staring at her, crumpled on all fours like a scared child as she coughed and wheezed, trying to calm herself after the terror that she had experienced. It had all happened so fast, the way that her life played back in choppy bursts behind her eyes– but one thought had been more prominent than any other.
Is this really how my life is going to end?
It must have been a common thought, but to her, it was earth-shattering. The poor woman barely noticed when Nanaba walked up beside her, having led Ranya back for her. Letting go of the reins, the short-haired, platinum blonde crouched beside Kuchel, gently touching her back in a comforting manner. "Deep breaths, Kuchel… you're safe, you're alive, everything is okay. Okay?"
"O-Okay, okay." She gulped, not realising that she'd dug her fingers deep into the soil beneath her. With the soldier's help, Kuchel stumbled back to her feet, wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve– fuck, she wanted to brush her teeth so badly at that moment.
As though Nanaba read her mind, she unclipped a canteen from her belt, handing it to Kuchel. The woman was quite grateful, unscrewing the cap to take a swig. It felt quite nice to wash her mouth out, though she wished she could wash out the stench from her nose as well.
Oh well.
Her knees wobbled as she mounted Ranya again, her vision still dizzied. This was tough on her, all of it, and then the motherly worry began to set in again as the group started to move, with Miche on her left, and Erwin on her right.
"Thank… thank you…" The words felt like they dripped out of her, slower than molasses, as though her tongue were heavy with dread and disquietude. All she could think about was her darling trio, wondering where their group was right now. Was Flagon leading them headfirst into danger? What if he held such a grudge against her that he hurt her baby?
If I find out something happened to Levi, I will be the first to kill that son of a bitch.
The rain was getting heavier, misting and filling her lungs with the scent of dew and near-death. Well, that last one was in her head, and she couldn't describe how it smelled, but perhaps it was the lingering scent of decay from the Titan's wallowing maw. It was still overwhelming her senses, and Kuchel wished, for a moment, that she could shut her mind off. That she could wash the memory away.
They kept moving as the downpour continued, dulling her senses as she gripped onto Ranya's reins. Now she was more worried about encountering other Titans than anything else. Against the training she'd gone through over the past six months, her eyes strayed down, taking in the ground beneath them. It was one of the biggest rules, to keep your eyes up and ahead, but something in her gut churned as they kept moving, as the group rounded another group of trees.
Something feels wrong. Something isn't right. That feeling in my belly isn't my nerves… it's-
Carnage.
Ranya galloped over a large streak of sanguine, marring the once gentle green of the grass, painting the image of death and decay.
Then a cape fragment, stained red, but not with the blood of a titan. No. The blood of a human.
Then a blade, the hand still wrapped around the hilt.
Then a fucking arm, and she could see the blood spattering from the gaping wound where it had once been connected to a soldier, a person, a human.
Someone who'd had hopes and dreams. All of them.
But not anymore.
Kuchel's piercing eyes shot up as the squad came to a screeching halt, the rain pelting down harshly over their backs as they took in the scene before them. It was as though they'd stumbled upon a fresh battlefield, but even she knew that the only opposing force was a single beast, and not an entire battalion. Her knuckles blanched as she clutched the reins, her gaze darting from one corpse to the next. Heads were bitten off, organs were spilled onto once verdant, lush grass, and the corners of her vision went opaque with scarlet.
As horrible as it was, the first thing that crossed her mind was to check for Levi among the bodies. Her and a few others tried to check for survivors, while Erwin circled the perimeter, checking wherever he could to gauge where the Titan had gone. Frankly, she didn't give a shit what he was doing, because all the poor mother could think about was the possibility of her baby being a part of the body count.
Without hesitation, she checked those that were strewn about, careful to not desecrate their corpses as she stepped between them. Though, it was nearly impossible not to accidentally tread upon the entrails of a fellow cadet.
Many of these Scouts were half her age, at the least, and a large portion of them were even younger than her son.
How would the branch be able to face the families of the deceased? How would they tell them that their child would never return home, that their final resting place was amongst piles of viscera and vermillion-varnished violets?
The thought of being told that her own son had succumbed to such a fate would put her to ruin. It would make her want to shut out the light of the day, to reach into the sky and knock the sun out, to leave her in a darkness that reflected the one within her soul.
The sentiments of agony kept building, until she realised that no one she recognised was amongst the dead.
And with a slash of guilt, Kuchel breathed a sigh of relief.
Soon after, the acoustic sound of a flare being shot off made her ears ring, and the entire squad focused on the source of the noise, which had come from Erwin's blank shell being fired off. "The Titans went this way. That's going towards the left flank! We need to meet up with them before it takes them out!"
"Yes sir!"
Ranya whinnied in surprise at how fast the ravenette mounted her saddle. There was not a second to waste, and the mare seemed to sense it, not taking the time to be difficult with her rider.
The carnage was visible from a distance as they rode up to the area in which the left flank was supposed to be, and it had her heart thundering in her chest. Kuchel had no idea if her precious Levi was safe, if he was alive, and the thought had her nudging Ranya to break into a gallop, the beat of the hooves pounding into the ground echoing throughout the air, within her ears, matching the beat of her thrumming heart.
The midnight-tressed soldier broke rank, despite knowing how dangerous it was to do so. As she drew closer, the sound of devastated, angered grunts filled the air, ones she recognized as Levi's and a wave of relief crashed over her.
That didn't last long. It washed away like fresh paint under pelting rain as she tugged Ranya's reins back, coming to a full stop.
Glancing down from her place on the saddle, she caught sight of a familiar face, the once vibrant energetic redhead who had captured her heart, taking on the role of a daughter she'd never had. It couldn't be her, it just couldn't.
But it was.
Eyes that had once been lively and sparkled with optimism, now held the icy emptiness that was death. The sight of her daughter's severed head tore through her, the dulled, verdant irises staring blankly into the world, expression forever set into one of fear and horror.
Never to smile again.
Never to laugh.
Never again would she see the way the joy would fill the girl's eyes and face, as if she couldn't contain it.
Never again would she hold her close.
Her darling Isabel.
She had to fight back a whimper as she pushed herself forward, needing to find him, needing to see that he was alive amidst all this death and decay. So many steaming Titan bodies lay in the midst of soldiers she'd slowly grown to know over the past few months.
Gone in the blink of an eye– their lives ceasing forever.
And that was when she saw him.
Her baby boy.
Her raven-haired angel.
He was zipping around a particularly monstrous and gruesome-looking Titan. With her vocal chords threatening to fail her, she called out for him, but knew it was futile. Kuchel could see that glow in his eyes that came from the instincts flowing in their veins, and knew he wouldn't hear a thing until they'd settled back down.
She watched in horror as Levi ripped through the belly of the beast, and when she saw him yank the severed corpse from it, she knew.
Kuchel knew that it was just her and Levi against the world once again.
And her two other children…
Gone forever.
It felt like centuries until she could move again, with blood roaring in her ears, flushing guilt through every vein in her palloring body. By the time that she had dismounted, Erwin was approaching her son. The world felt as though it had no sound, no breeze, no mounting significance to guide her. Even the scent of blood was obstructed from her senses. Nothing in the moment made sense.
She needed to comfort him, needed to rush to her baby and wrap her arms around his body as though he were her last tether to this realm of uncertainty.
Erwin said something to him as he approached, something about if he had killed the Titan alone, but her breath caught in her throat when she saw Levi– Ackerman-level ferality still wild in his blue eyes– charge Erwin, knocking him down to the ground. The ultrahard steel blade was thrust near to the blond's neck faster than she could comprehend, but a pit formed in her gut.
She couldn't let this go on.
"I'm going to kill you, bastard! That's why I'm here!" Levi's words felt like arrows in her chest as she raced towards them. What did he mean? How was he there to kill Erwin when they had no reason to harbour ill-will any longer?
Kuchel's heart was pounding in her ears as she watched Levi try to dig the blade into Erwin's neck. "Levi!"
The rain and crimson fluid had made the ground slick, but she didn't slip or slide as she raced to them. She grabbed onto Levi's elbow, trying to pull him back and away with a heartbroken, dreaded plea. "Levi, stop-"
Unfortunately, Kuchel had been so caught up in her mission to restrain her son that she didn't hear nor heed the warning from the blond section leader.
As pain radiated through her face, she heard it ring in her ears.
"Kuchel, don't-!"
In a fit of unrestrained Ackerman fury, her son had tossed his elbow back into her face, hard, and the only sound louder than the crack of her nose was the sickening thud of her body hitting the ground.
The world felt as though it was spinning, her vision inhibited with red splotches and blinding black spots as she crumpled to the ground. Her pale hands clutched at her face, feeling liquid dripping onto them, and whether or not it was snot or blood, she had no fucking idea.
The voices teetered and tottered in her ears, unable to stay still to be deciphered as her senses stung sharply.
What happened? What is this pain coming from? What did Levi mean? I don't understand!
Before Kuchel could gather herself off the cold, wet, crimson-stained blades of grass, she felt two sets of hands on her elbows, hoisting her up. Through uncontrollable, pain-induced tears, she could see two familiar faces. "Miss Kuchel, just relax, Miche and I have you, okay?"
"N-Nanaba? Levi, Levi he-"
"Miss Kuchel, don't worry about Levi right now. Everything's under control, but we need to get you away from him, he's-"
"No!" She protested, trying to break away from them as the two soldiers attempted to take her back to the medic's wagon that had stopped nearby to assess the status of soldiers scattered about. Ackerman blood did her little to no good when she was in this much agony, both physical and emotional. "I need to see Levi, I need to-"
"Kuchel, he's not himself right now!" Miche was done waiting for her, done dealing with her resistance as he scooped her up against her will, taking her further and further away from the scene that was unveiling in the sanguine plains amongst the fallen. She could hear the echoes of Levi's cursing, the look on his face as he talked to Erwin, the blonde man having risen to his feet.
The noirette swiped at her face wearily, and time seemed to go by in a blur. One moment she had been in Miche's arms, the next she was sitting on the back of the wagon, with him checking over her injuries. "Tsk, well, your nose is definitely broken, Kuchel. I'll need to set it so that it doesn't heal strangely, alright? It's going to hurt, but it'll feel much better afterwards."
Something in her was churning up her guts, making her nauseous beyond belief. Maybe it was the image of Isabel's dead eyes, or the sight of Levi pulling Furlan's corpse from a Titan. However, she knew deep down that it was neither of those things– it was the fear, the horror, the absolutely abhorrent realisation that her own son had hurt her. Never before had he laid a finger on her, and here she was, with blood dripping from a broken nose that he had procured upon her. The liquid stained the fabric of her white pants, which were already ruined with the stains of grass and mud, so it wasn't like it really mattered all that much.
"O-Okay, please get it over with." She exhaled through her mouth, keeping her gaze down as the dark-blonde man guided her chin up. Having been so occupied in her own thoughts and twinging discomfort, she'd failed to notice Levi and Erwin approach the medic wagon.
Her eyes met Levi's for the briefest of moments, as quick and missable as a shooting star on a cloudy night, before she nervously glanced away. There was nothing coming to mind that she could say, no way that she could look at him right now. The Ackerman abilities had been the culprit of her pain, yes, but he had been the one in control of them. Why would he hurt her?
"Mama?" His voice was weak, delicate like a feather as his hand came to hold hers, clammy and calloused. "I'm here, I'm so sorry. I-"
Instinctually, without a second thought, the afflicted mother slipped her hand out of his grasp, tilting her gaze away without a word. It was unspoken, her despondent disappointment, her detrimental distress and dread– she couldn't bear to even look at her own son.
How horrible.
Levi backed away slowly, she could see it in her peripheral, fuzzy vision. Visible as well was the agony ardently etched into his sharp features, the pain of knowing that he had hurt her with his own hands, though Kuchel was unaware of that, unable to read his mind. Tacitly, ruminating in his sentiments, he stumbled away from the group, presumably back to Alexander.
In his place, another hand emerged, the warmth of it pulling her out of her darkening thoughts. Her darkened blue eyes flickered to none other than Section Leader Erwin. At the moment, she didn't want to hold anyone's hand in particular, but something about the way his fingers curled around her palm made her resolve crumble, and she found herself clutching on his hand, needing something to ground her from the torturous torment coursing throughout her small frame.
"Ready, Kuchel?"
Miche was courteous enough to ask before attempting to snap Kuchel's nose back into place, and the process was far less onerous with someone to support her. With the faintest blush across her pallored cheeks, she nodded in response.
On the bright side, snapping it back into place didn't hurt nearly as much as getting it broken in the first place.
The grip on Erwin's hand that she had was nearly bone-crushing in and of itself, but when the cartilage was reset, she let him go, not wanting to hold him hostage when he had more important things to be doing as a Section Leader. However, much to her surprise, his hand went to caress her hair, even though it was still in a bun. Perhaps she had flyaways, perhaps there was dew drizzling across the onyx strands. There must have been a reason that he wanted to stick around, but she failed to think of anything with all of the pain ebbing through her face.
"There we go. When we get back to base, report to the infirmary. There, they can get a better look at it…" He spoke quietly, making sure that Kuchel understood the instructions before marching off, hurrying to pack up and get moving.
After all, they were still in Titan territory, and the longer they lingered, the more likely they were to encounter more beasts.
The rest of the formation began to retreat back to the Walls, wounded soldiers struggling to sit upright on their mares and stallions. Kuchel was lucky enough to be stable and fully conscious, though it was a bit of a curse when her beak hurt like a bitch. Ranya seemed to ride more gently on the way back, as if she sensed her rider's distress.
Levi rode far ahead of her, as though his guilty conscience couldn't bear the weight of speaking to her right now. Kuchel's eyes bored into the back of his head, though not in quite an angry way.
She just couldn't help but think about how the Scouts seemed to break them apart. How could she be a seamstress, yet be unable to mend their bond back together?
"Erwin?" Kuchel's voice broke through a longstanding, deafening silence as they rode back. "What did Levi say to you?"
There was a torturously long period of quietness between them, as though he were debating whether or not to tell her what had been said between them. His voice was low, sonorous– a tone that could have lulled her to sleep, given the right circumstances.
"That they were here to gain citizenship by killing me for a Mister Lovof, who approached them in the Underground. That man had a lot of corrupt dealings, Miss Kuchel. He must have preyed on your trio's desire to get to the surface."
The news was like a thick, iron-hot punch to her gut, making her feel nauseous once again. In her haze of discomfort, Kuchel tried to forget her emotional anguish, gripping Ranya's reins tighter as they approached Shiganshina.
The sooner they got back, the better.
…
Several hours later
Kuchel stumbled into her room in the barracks, having stopped by the infirmary for them to check her nose. The on-duty nurse explained that her nose had been correctly reset by none other than the quick-thinking Miche, and that it should take a few weeks, maybe a month, to heal. There were already the beginnings of dark circles that deepened under her beautiful, yet tired blue eyes.
Sadness was swelling within her as she dragged her feet across the bone-chilling stone floor, feeling her heart sink lower and deeper into the pits of her soul. Sitting upon the now unoccupied bed, Kuchel reached to drag her fingers over the blanket, wincing when a stray red hair caught against her nail. It was fine, blazing like the fiercest fire, yet upon her skin, it was delicate, and reminded her of that whom it had belonged to.
A girl with promise. With a future. With her entire life ahead of her.
And she'd been snuffed out like the wick of a candle in the dead of a cold winter's night. Furlan had been, too.
"Mama, what's it like on the surface?"
Kuchel had been swiftly chopping up celery when Isabel stumbled up beside her, asking with a tone that tinkled like the sweetest, most silvery bell. She always spoke like that, so cheery and full of vigorous youth. The redhead grabbed a small knife to help Kuchel mince an onion for the stew she was preparing. Her hands were nimble from the ODM gear that her darling Levi had taught her how to use.
Well, he'd taught his own mother how to use that same gear, and it had been quite difficult for the both of them. Luckily, Kuchel hadn't been the only one that struggled with the triggers, or the balance, or complained about how the straps gripped and tugged in the most aggravating spots. Thinking about the training exercises nearly made Kuchel exhausted in and of itself. Good thing she was in the process of making a nice stew to calm her soul.
Soups and stews were a staple in the Underground, able to be made with cheap ingredients that lent themselves to ease of transport. Celery, onions, potatoes, garlic, dried herbs– with the right hands, and some tender love and care, basic things could be made into a belly-warming, soothing meal. Back in the Pink Pearl, that was harder to accomplish with so little coin, but now that they lived comfortably, Kuchel could indulge those she loved with culinary creations.
"Well, baby, what did you hear about that made you ask?"
"Hm… I heard a merchant talking about a flood in the fields in Wall Rose… what is a flood?"
Kuchel reached a motherly hand to caress Isabel's hair, noting that the young girl needed a haircut. Come to think of it, Levi needed one, too… and Furlan. Shit, maybe she did, too.
"It's like a big amount of water, and it wooshes out of the rivers when it rains too much. Oh, and rain is also water, just in little droplets. Like when you wash your hands and shake them dry." The ravenette popped a piece of celery into her mouth, crunching down and savouring the taste. This bundle was fresher than most, and it would go wonderfully in the stew.
"Oh! Wow, that sounds crazy. Does it rain every day?" Isabel asked, dropping the slivered onion into the cast iron pot on the stove.
When Kuchel responded by shaking her head, it prompted Isabel to ask another question. "Well, why does it rain?"
Finishing up the slicing and dicing, Kuchel moved the pot to the fire to begin sautéeing the aromatic vegetables. "Unfortunately, Izzy, I'm not sure why it rains. But it waters plants, and helps them grow. That's why we're able to eat. It's just a circle of life."
"Do you think we'll be able to see the rain someday?"
It made a doll-like smile spread over the mother's rosy lips, and she gingerly drew Isabel nearer to her. It was hard to believe that she'd tumbled into their lives in such a strange manner. Then again, Furlan had as well. Nothing could be ordinary in the lives of those in the dark, dour Underground.
"Yes, baby. I do." She gave the young girl's pert nose a gentle tap. "And you'll get to feel wind on your darling cheeks, light on your skin… and you'll wonder how you ever lived without it."
It incensed her, enraged her to the core, that her babies were gone. It didn't matter that Furlan and Isabel weren't her flesh and blood– she loved them just as much as she did her own son.
It felt like something was broiling deep inside of her chasmic being that made her want to cast everything around her into a dark oblivion.
Why were they even here?
Oh, that was right. It was because of that blonde, good-for-nothing, chess-losing, know-it-all bastard.
Isabel and Furlan are dead because of him. Because he made them join the military. None of this would have happened if he hadn't taken my babies away from the Underground.
That's it.
Not even bothering to change her clothing from their expedition, the steely-eyed woman gritted her teeth, grabbing her pocket knife from her dresser drawer in a flurry. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and there was only one thought on her mind. One that was insatiable. One that she couldn't escape in her state of unravelling.
He's going to fucking die.
The heels of her boots clicked against the floor of the quiet, unoccupied hallways. After expeditions, it was most likely that everyone was far too tired to be pandering about as usual. Lives had been lost, men and women alike had been slain by ferocious beasts. It was time to rest. But not for her, nor the blade that she wielded in her hand.
Her feet guided her back to that familiar place, the last door on the right. It was ingrained in her mind, ever since that October night when she'd attempted to end his life by her own hand the first time.
That time, Kuchel had failed. This time, she wouldn't let him get away scot-free, without feeling her puissant wrath. Losing a child was never easy, and losing two was even more brutal, more heart-wrenching, eviscerating. All she had left now was her son, and the thought of being near him at the moment struck a sharp pain into her chest, the recollection of the day's events sending her spiraling further into internal despair.
In her anger, the woman didn't think about her son's lies. His fibs and foolery that had gotten them all into this situation in the first place. All Kuchel could see was the arrow of onus stricken into the target between Erwin's eyes.
When she slammed the door open so hard that the hinges rattled. The dark-haired woman had expected the room to be empty, for him to be settling into bed for the night– after all, expeditions were clearly exhausting, especially for section leaders.
So the fact that he was awake at his desk was surprising, yet somehow all the more enraging, adding fuel to the fire of her insatiable core.
The room was dim, save for the candelabra that had been set alight upon the corner of his desk. It illuminated his tired, aching eyes, the blue filled with an unbearable sadness that she barely cared to comprehend. Normally, she would have come into the room with a tempered knock at the door, and come in to see a smile awaiting her.
Now, he was standing at his desk, his jacket shucked off and splayed carelessly over the back of his desk chair. His large hand still rested upon it, as though he had just placed it there to begin with.
The drooping, defeated look in his eyes nearly made her forget about her anger, but it surged within her again as he spoke her name in a hushed tone, as though he wanted no one else to hear him. "Kuchel?"
Her grip on her knife tightened as he came around the desk. It was obvious that he had just noticed the glinting blade, and she could practically see the cogs turning in his head as he assessed the situation. "Kuchel, I-"
"Shut the fuck up." The woman hissed, baring the knife to him and taking a step closer to him. His hands went up in an act of foolish surrender, and that made it all the easier for her to snap her fist forward, gathering his collar up between her fingers and yanking him down. She was going to make him face her wrath at her level. "This is all your fault."
Kuchel punctuated her sentence with her knife, pressing the tip of the blade to his throat, right beside the thin line currently marring the pale flesh as her eyes grew bleary, with hot, unrestrained, heartbroken tears that began to rush down her cheeks. It was unable to be helped, with the flashes of memories in her mind of those who she had loved, who were now lying dead beyond the Walls. "You knew their plan all along, and yet you led them on, led all of us on. Now they're dead! You let my babies die!"
The blade shook in her hand, the heartbreak ensnaring her like sharp snakes of thorny ivy as she searched his eyes. Somehow, even in the face of death by her hand, he remained stoic and calm, as always. How?
"Kuchel, I didn't-"
"No. You did. You let them die!" Her knife's blade drew the faintest bead of blood from his pale skin, pearling at the site of the wound.
Her words had something snapping within him as he glared down at her. "You're about as pigheaded as your son, Kuchel. I didn't let them die! Those two were skilled, would have been valuable assets, what good would it have been for me to kill them! If you would stop and think you would see that our enemy is the same, Kuchel!"
"Y-You fucking knew what they were after all along and you let them go off into the field to get killed! You're supposed to be a fucking leader, a protector! It doesn't matter if our enemy is the same! You led them straight to hell!" She screamed in his face, tears flowing down her face and staining her pallid cheeks. The woman white-knuckled his lapels with a single pallid fist, her eyes still filled with rage. "If I'd fucking killed you that night none of this would have happened! I can't believe I actually started to like you!"
Before she could jerk her blade into his throat, he saw a window of opportunity to knock it out of her hand, sending it clattering to the floor. It was all a flurry as they fought against one another, but despite her writhing, kicking, and clawing at him, she ended up pinned to the wall. Erwin's knee was tacked between her legs, pressed to the wallpaper to keep her from moving as his large hands grappled her wrists, restraining them securely on either side of her head. "Let me go!"
"Kuchel, you need to calm down!" The tone he used was the one saved only for stubborn subordinates who refused to listen.
"No!" She growled out, glowering up at him as she struggled against his hold. "You let my Isabel and Furlan die!"
Their faces were dangerously close, his blue eyes hardened and calm, though she could see something swirling within them that she felt within herself as well- guilt. "Kuchel..."
"Let me go, Erwin." Her voice was broken, rickety like old, creaky floorboards as she stared at his face in the dim moonlight. It was strange, the way her eyes trailed to his lips, even in her rage. And what was even more unusual was the way he was looking at hers. However, he didn't relent. Not for a second.
"I offered them a deal. Fight with us and their crimes go unpunished, or get sent to prison for them." His words were bit out between his teeth, his hand coming up from her wrist to clutch her chin, so close they were nose to nose. The scent of him engulfed her senses, plunging her into an unknown feeling as he held her in place.
"What do you want me to say? Huh? That I'm sorry? Yes, I'm sorry. Loss of life hurts, and I hate it– every single one." His eyes shimmered with sadness of every lost comrade. "But we're at war, Kuchel... Against vicious creatures who do nothing but kill. Our only way is to push forward." His eyes were flashing bright, full of his own personal anger and frustration at the limits in his position. The ebony-tressed woman had no way of knowing that he laid awake most nights, wondering, thinking that perhaps if he'd been in charge, things could be different.
The small woman shivered ever so slightly at the feeling of his breath ghosting over her lips, making her gaze flicker across his features, to try to read him. "I… you're right." The words were breathy, as foggy as the confuddled feelings in her head. "Erwin… I…"
Once again, Kuchel tried her best to interpret his inscrutable façade– he was an enigma that she couldn't decode. Erwin was impossible to read, thwarting deciphering at every turn with his dignified demeanour.
As she gazed up at him, the woman thought she caught a change in his eyes, a deepening in the blue, something she both recognized and didn't at the same time. Kuchel had never experienced true desire from a man, so she had no way of knowing what it was like to be faced with it. But the guilt was what caught her attention. An unsteady hand reached up to caress down his cheek. "Erwin?" Her whispered voice was shaky, wanting to comfort the remorse swelling within him. Seeing this man, this virile man so forlorn was a strange sight.
That was her last thought that registered in her mind, for when their lips crashed together, all capability of thinking fled her.
She had no clue who'd moved first.
Nor did she care.
This chapter is dedicated to my grandfather, who passed away as I was in the process of writing it. It was sudden, and it's hard to comprehend that he's gone. Rest easy, say hello to grandma for me.
Song Award goes to a nostalgic song this time: Emmenez-moi by Charles Aznavour. It lets a feeling in me flourish, one of being on top of the world, like life has only just begun.
"Emmenez-moi au bout de la terre
Emmenez-moi au pays des merveilles
Il me semble que la misère
Serait moins pénible au soleil."
Also, I applied for a Fulbright Scholarship to be an English Teaching Assistant in Luxembourg. I won't know if I'm a semi-finalist until about January. Please send me some good Luxembourgish vibes, haha!
Many thanks to StarlitScarlet for proofreading and helping with a lot of the writing for this chapter. All of the stuff going on in my life really had this chapter kicking my ass.
Hope you guys enjoyed that ending [sly laugh]