A/N: If poop and farting is not your cup of tea... I'd give this chapter a skip. Thank you to thunderintherain4 for the prompt. I'm sorry it took me so long to fulfill! But I hope you and everyone else enjoys! If anyone has any other Babysitting Frankie prompts let me know in the reviews!
If You Gotta Fart, Make Noise
"Thank you for babysitting tonight." Kara said to Miller and Wolf. She hated to admit it but she was looking forward to getting away from Frankie and having some 'adult' time with Danny. It had been weeks since they had time for themselves. With Frankie teething, she was reaching the end of her rope between Frankie's grumping and Danny's Mr Mom routines.
"Don't worry, we're fine with being your third choice for babysitters." Miller reminded them. However, he looked at Danny as he was the one who had ranked them. Kara smiled while Danny frowned darkly. It was his fault for saying as much in the group chat with their friends.
"Just let it go." Danny told them.
"How can we? I get me being at the bottom of the list. I don't know anything about kids but Wolf has loads of experience with kids due to his large family." Miller argued, Wolf nodded in agreement while he held Frankie on his hip. He didn't seem perturbed by the drooling 5 month old who was currently fascinated by his dark stubble.
"8 nieces and nephews all survived in my care." Wolf told him.
"You said you leashed them up in the backyard and threw cereal at them." Danny reminded him.
"It was a joke. You need to find your sense of humour, Green." Wolf told him.
"You're becoming such a Danny Tanner." Miller told Danny, as if it were an insult.
"I'd be Jesse." Wolf said, he smiled and shook his head like he was in a hair advertisement.
"With that hair, for sure. I guess that makes me Joey." Miller told Wolf with a smile. Wolf nodded in agreement.
"Ok, now you guys have that sorted. Danny and I gotta go as we have reservations." Kara told them. "Bye Frankie, be a good boy for Uncle Jesse and Joey." she drawled in amusement. She reached up and smoothed Frankie's soft hair before she stepped away.
"Enjoy yourself." Wolf said, he picked up Frankie's hand and waved goodbye.
"He's drooling a lot and a bit cranky." Danny warned them.
"Probably cutting a new tooth. I read a book about babies in preparation." Miller said proudly.
"Only one book." Danny said a little dazed, it was clear he was rethinking the arrangement and cancelling the dinner.
"Danny, go before Kara decides to hook up with a hot Italian waiter." Wolf advised him, Danny looked over his shoulder to see that Kara was already walking away. Danny turned back to him with a scowl.
"No, she won't. Now, Halsey doesn't need to be walked and follow Frankie's schedule on the fridge. Text me a status update every 30mins and do not eat all our rations." He ordered.
"Yes, Sir." Wolf and Miller said in unison with mock salutes. Danny scowled at them again before he ran off to catch up with Kara.
"Daddy is such an overprotective papa bear that he's not going to get laid if he doesn't loosen up. No he won't." Wolf cooed at Frankie.
"Rowl." Frankie replied with a grin.
"That a growl, little man?" Wolf asked in amusement, he used the handkerchief around the Baby's neck to wipe the drool off Frankie's face.
"Rowl." Frankie repeated, Wolf and Miller chuckled as it was too adorable.
"Let's get inside. You can show Miller your favourite toys." Wolf said, the three boys returned into the room.
29 mins later, Wolf and Miller were laughing their asses off as they'd spent the last half an hour setting up the perfect 'Proof of Life' video for Danny. Halsey watched them completely unimpressed by their giggles. While Frankie was bouncing between annoyed at being a puppet and giggling whenever he was tickled.
"Ok, Frankie. It's showtime. You ready?" Wolf asked, he sat on the floor in front of the coffee table while Miller sat on the couch.
"No." Frankie replied.
"Yes, like we've practised." Wolf told him,
"Rowl." Frankie growled at them, before he gave a happy grin.
"Ok, we're good." Wolf said, he placed the paper hat on Frankie's head and lifted him up onto the table. Frankie pushed out his legs and bounced as Wolf held up.
"Ready." Miller said, he played the karaoke music for Fat Scoop 'Be Faithful'. He immediately started recording, then he and Wolf rapped to the song. Wolf danced Frankie on the coffee table, made sure Frankie's little arms lifted up for the 'get your hands up!'.
"Frankie! I can't hear ya! Frankie! Make noise!" Wolf and Miller sang. Frankie grunted and blew a raspberry as he bounced on his feet. "Frankie! I can't hear ya! Frankie! Make noise!" They sang and in that second... Frankie unleashed an impressive long, loud and wet fart right in Wolf's face. The only thing that saved Wolf was 2 inches of padding in the diaper.
Both men were stunned but once Frankie squeaked out a second tiny fart that sounded like a balloon dying. Once it seemed Frankie was finished, the men burst out laughing. Frankie gave the happiest smile they'd seen all night.
"Did you get that?" Wolf asked as he tried to breathe, he lifted Frankie into his lap. Miller nodded as he wheezed from laughing too hard. Then the aroma of hot, sweet and sour feces reached them. "Oh, bugger me!" Wolf exclaimed in disgust and amusement as he lifted Frankie out of his lap and onto the floor. Frankie laughed but it sounded like a cackle and kicked his legs as Miller gagged and Halsey whimpered as he made a fast exit from the room.
"I got shit on my hands." Wolf said in tears as he and Miller were still laughing too hard.
"Catch him, the carpet is white!" Miller exclaimed as Frankie was crawling around with a onesie that was turning browner by the second. The hilarity of the moment faded quickly as they knew Kara would kill them for getting the carpet dirty.
"Oh shit." Wolf said, he rolled to his feet and picked Frankie off the floor. Frankie gurgled noises of displeasure.
"There are stains?" Miller asked Wolf.
"No, we're clear." Wolf assured him, the smell hit them like a heatwave off a garbage tip.
"Oh the smell." Miller said, he fought his gag reflex.
"Open some windows and don't puke." Wolf ordered and he raced Frankie to the bathroom.
"Danny, I'm sure they are fine." Kara said, she was ready to snap his phone in half. She was sitting across from him with clean hair and a beautiful dress that showed off her body without being indecent. He was checking his phone.
"It's been 30 minutes. Why haven't they texted?" Danny asked her.
"Because they are busy. I love Frankie but he can be so feral when he's teething. So, please put away the phone." Kara told him.
"In a minute." Danny said, Kara fed up snatched the phone from his hands and tossed it in her purse. Danny looked stunned by the move as Kara gave a sigh of relief and smiled at him.
"They are fine, they'd call us if they need us. You trust them with your life all the time. They will keep Frankie alive too. Now, if you know what's good for you, you'll pay attention to me especially if you want something off the menu for dessert." She advised him in a matter of fact manner.
"You're right." Danny replied, he realised he was ignoring his beautiful wife. He had promised her a baby-free dinner. "I'm sorry, did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" he asked.
"You're forgiven." Kara said, a sly smile gracing her lips.
"Oh, it's in my mouth. I can taste it." Miller complained as he could literally taste Frankie's farts. He'd never been more disgusted in his life and he'd shared a wooden hut with 5 other people with a shallow pit toilet. A pit toilet he had voluntarily jumped into to save his life. But this baby was killing him. He'd removed the onesie to find liquid baby shit everywhere on the Frankie's lower body. He had no idea a baby could produce so much shit.
"Come on, Miller. You can do this." Wolf said, he knelt beside Miller in the bathroom and held Frankie up. Though they had debated burning both onesie and diaper. They decided to be adult about it and after a fierce game of scissors, paper, rock; Wolf took care of disposing the dirty diaper and the onesie was soaking in the sink with laundry detergent. But Miller had lost the second game which meant he was in charge of cleaning and changing Frankie.
"I thought babies were supposed to produce tiny dumps." Miller said, he tried not to gag. He hosed the shit off Frankie's body with the detachable shower head.
"It is small but it spreads far, this is a poonami which is not a daily occurrence." Wolf said in a sage manner.
"I feel so blessed to witness this." Miller deadpanned, Wolf chuckled while Frankie babbled happy noises completely unfazed by the hell he'd unleashed on Miller and Wolf.
"You got a little something on your arm." Wolf told him, Miller turned his arm over and saw the streak of shit.
"Oh man, it just goes everywhere." he said as he soaped up his arms for good measure and rinsed them off. "Can't we just keep him in the tub and save on diapers?" he asked Wolf.
"We could, but Danny won't like it." Wolf said before he chuckled, he soaped up Frankie's body and Miller rinsed him again as they were not taking any chances. Once they were satisfied Frankie was clean, Miller turned off the water and wrapped Frankie up in a towel.
"Now what?" Miller asked.
"Change table in his room." Wolf said, he was teaching Miller how to change his first diaper. They moved into Frankie's room. "Just think. One day, you're going to have children. So, look at this as training as your kids will do all the same stuff." Wolf told him.
"My kids won't smell this bad." Miller said, he laid Frankie onto the bed and gently dried his tiny body. All the while Miller prayed Frankie not to poo or pee after all the effort they'd gone through so far.
"They will smell worse as you do not fart rainbows and unicorns my friend." Wolf told him, Miller snorted a laugh as he doused Frankie with baby powder as per the instructions Wolf had given him.
"Ok fine, I've powdered him. What do I do next?" Miller asked, Frankie giggled and farted, a puff of powder plumed from his tiny backside. Wolf and Frankie laughed evilly, "Oh my god, stop it. you're killing me." Miller pleaded. He stepped away and tried not to inhale the baby powder in the air as he half laughed and half cried.
"I'll take over. You text Danny proof of life?" Wolf asked him.
"No, not yet." Miller said as he moved to the doorway and brushed the excess baby powder off his clothes. He was mess, he was already in awe of Kara as a Naval officer but now? She was Godlike given she looked after Frankie and still managed to keep herself immaculate.
"Oh, you little stinker. Let's get you dressed into something not covered in shit." Wolf told Frankie, he brushed the excess powder off Frankie's butt and diapered his ass quickly before Frankie could go for round three with them. He then reached under the table and pulled out a fresh onesie. "Oh look, a dinosaur onesie." Wolf said with a smile.
"It's not fair that you just did all that like it was nothing." Miller told him, as he texted the video to Danny only to turn around to find Frankie dressed and happy in Wolf's arms.
"Practice and you know babies are sturdier than you think." Wolf told him, Frankie babbled random noises at him. "Oh those are some good words there buddy." Wolf told Frankie with an encouraging smile.
"You'll make a good Dad one day." Miller told him.
"So will you when you have more experience under your belt." Wolf said as they returned to the living room. Thanks to opening the windows and soft evening breeze, the noxious fart smell had dissipated.
"I don't know, I'd like to have a family. If I meet the right person, I never had a Dad, so I don't really know what makes a good one." Miller told Wolf.
"My folks told me that it doesn't take much except a lot of love and patience. Also to remember it takes a village to raise a kid, so as not to be afraid of asking for help." Wolf said.
"Did you ever have kids?" Miller asked, Wolf was usually upfront about his life but there was still so much that was left unsaid. There was always something in Wolf's expression that said he didn't want to talk about it. So, Miller usually backed off out of respect as everyone lost something or someone during the pandemic.
"No, it's just something that came up once upon a time." Wolf said poignantly, Frankie gave a loud burp. "This kid is just full of gas tonight." he observed with a chuckle. Frankie gave a happy sigh as he leaned into Wolf's body.
"Now, the excitement is over. Should I see what's in the kitchen?" Miller asked as he was strangely hungry given what they had endured.
"Definitely. I think we all deserved a treat after that debacle." Wolf said.
The End.