Yes, that title's not a lie. Sort of. It's actually more of a poly thing, but since Jaune's the only guy and he's the viewpoint character it will still come across as a harem for the most part.

I tried to focus more on the humor rather than the wish fulfillment aspect, mostly cause I don't really know how to write the typical harem story and don't have much interest in doing so. Hopefully some people can find some fun in here regardless.

This might be my last omake for a while. I've been putting them out back to back and I really need to get back to both the main story and Of Two Different Minds. Wish me luck.

Some people also expressed interest in Reverse RWBY being its own fic, but I'm only one author and I'm already jugggling a bunch of fics. So sorry, it's not likely to happen. You guys will have to make do with the one more chapter I'm writing.

Jaune woke up to a raging headache and the taste of alcohol in his mouth. Granted that wasn't a rare start to the day when you were friends with Yang Xiao Long and Blake Belladonna. Not to say that Blake often took him out drinking, because she didn't, but rather that dealing with her on a daily basis was enough to drive someone into alcoholism. He still had no idea how her parents stayed sober all those years.

As if sensing his thoughts, Blake's muffled voice came from behind, "Screw you, Jaune..." she slurred. It would've been a lot more scathing if she wasn't spooning his back right now. Most men, when being spooned by a hot catgirl, would think themselves lucky. Jaune found himself annoyed that of course she was making him the little spoon. She truly was The Worst. He'd pay her back for that later.

The bright sunlight peeking through the curtained windows was enough to eventually force him up. Ugh, stupid daytime. Why couldn't it be nicer? Jaune sat up unsteadily, barely prying off Blake's arms around his chest. To his other side was Ruby, who actually did consent to being the little spoon cause she was the best.

...Actually, they rest of them team were on the bed too. At Blake's other side were Yang and Weiss who were both snuggling under a thick blanket. Huh, big bed. He was sure other guys at Beacon would've hated him if they saw this now, but it wasn't the first time they had to share a bed. Their journey to the Grimmlands was slow going and had weeks of them camping out in order to keep a low profile. Sometimes tents would rip, sleeping bags would be lost, and they would go days without running water. That tended to kill any sense of shame when they had to bathe in the same river or share sleeping amenities for warmth.

He stood up and brought a hand across his messy hair. Right, he remembered now. They'd beaten Salem just a few days ago and unanimously decided that it was worth a break. Ozpin didn't complain. After all, it wasn't every day a bunch of second years who were barely old enough to drink managed to save the world.

And that the whole of Remnant finds out.

Yeah, so apparently their secret mission wasn't as secret as they thought. They'd barely beaten Salem and gone back to Beacon when they came to a literal parade in their honor. Ozpin was pretty cagety about how exactly people found out and no amount of asking got them an answer. Even Ironwood attended the festivities and smiled. That was scarier than Salem at her worst.

It was too much. Yang and Weiss lavished in the attention at first, having gone from the Protectors of Vale to the Saviors of Remnant, but there was that saying about celebrity being overrated. That was the entire reason he'd suggested taking a low key trip to Mistral. It'd allow them to decompress and celebrate as a team - as a family, Yang said - without having to worry about anyone else.

Apparently they celebrated just a bit too much.

He brought his hand across his hair again and it was only on the second run through that he felt something odd on his left ring finger, "...Huh?" He looked down at his hand and saw a rather ornate looking gold ring on said digit. The surface of the golden material was covered in swirling designs - maybe some Mistralian script? - that marked it as something you'd look twice at.

He knew that cause he looked twice at the identical looking rings on the rest of team RWBY's fingers.

...

Oh shit.

So...they were married. All five of them. To each other. Even Yang and Ruby. That was what Weiss told them when they all woke up. Somehow she remembered the events of last night more than Yang, the designated party girl. And she didn't have a hangover either. He didn't know whether to be impressed or scared at that last part. The only good(?) thing he could say was that they were all definitely wearing clothes, so that issue wasn't a problem. Yet.

An awkward silence hung over the group as they processed the news. Weiss looked as prim and proper as always, somehow managing to look regal with her messy hair and bathrobe. The tea she was drinking helped.

Yang looked more confused than anything, though that might have been the hangover since she drank that 70 percent proof bottle last night on a dare and even the Xiao Long genes had their limits.

Blake, as expected, looked as if she was a mere victim and not an active participant. Her arms were crossed and she kept a neutral look on her face even as her Faunus ears twitched. She was probably justifying it to herself already and re-writing the events of last night to put her in the best light.

Poor Ruby had it the worst. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were tomato red. He wasn't surprised. None of them had the time for deeper relationships while they were training, but Ruby was the least socially experienced among all of them. It didn't help that she had a (very) undeserved reputation as being some kind of NTR Queen. It wasn't her fault that guy broke up with his girlfriend after Ruby saved them during the Breach, but of course said girlfriend went raging to the Dustnet and up there the truth didn't matter.

Jaune himself was handling it...fine. It was a surprise, but after over a year of being with team RWBY he'd learned to roll with the punches. And the fire. And ice. And Wind. And lightning.

"So...how are we all gonna get a divorce?" Jaune asked, getting to the heart of the matter. Cause that was obviously where this was all going.

"A divorce? Why would we do that?" Weiss ask, head tilting slightly.

...

What?

"Yeah, seems a bit quick, don'tcha think?" Yang grinned even through her pounding headache, "Most couples stick it out for a couple of years before deciding that."

What?

"Are you all surprised? Jaune always did seem the type." Blake smirked. Jaune glared at her. First making him the little spoon and now this? Oh, she was gonna pay.

"What?!" Ruby shouted, vocalizing his own thoughts, "How are you all fine with this?!"

"I don't trust any suitor I've had in Atlas, especially not after father's death; too many people eager to sink their claws into the heiress of the SDC." Right, Jacques Schnee accidentally choked on an apple and his entire family, who were all in the dining room, had frozen and were unable to help him. Such a tragedy,"I trust all of you with my life, and a marriage would deter all but the most desperate and craven from continuing to pursue me. I don't see any downsides." Weiss nodded.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not really the settling down type, at least for a while, and I don't wanna be wanna of those unmarried spinsters when I'm thirty. This is a good backup, at least." Yang shrugged, "...I mean it's super weird I'm technically married to Ruby, though. Can we do something about that?"

"Anulling that part of our arrangement shouldn't be too difficult." Weiss put a hand on her chin, "Actually, I should look at the paperwork regardless. I need to know if we signed any prenups before we all got married."

Jaune and Ruby looked to Blake, trying to find at least one bastion of sanity even if it came from her, "...What? I dated Adam Taurus, I have no idea what healthy relationships are like." Blake scoffed, "I trust all of you and it's just us signing our signatures on a piece of paper. If things get rough I can just run away. Worked out before."

"Uh-uh, Blakey, you think you can run off on me?" Yang asked, "You try and I'm dragging you back. You're ride or die on team Yang. There's no jumping off or hitting the brakes."

The two bickered like they always did - they pretty much were a married couple, now that he thought about it - while Weiss left the room muttering about how she needed to see the official paperwork. That just left him and Ruby to awkwardly sit together and wonder if they were the only ones on their team to not be completely insane. They were all married to each other and apparently most of the team had no problem with that.

Oh Gods, what were his parents gonna say? Mom already teased him about having one of them as his girlfriend, she was gonna go bonkers once she found out he was married to all of them now.

To his right, Ruby covered her face with both hands and screamed.

They got back to Beacon a couple of days after...that. Thankfully their unexpected polymarous marriage wasn't public knowledge, but he got the feeling that wouldn't last. Either way the fivesome just relished in the chance to get back at some normalcy. It felt odd going back to classes after everything, but it was just the thing they needed. Salem might have been gone but the Grimm were here to stay.

Any and all good feelings disappeared a few days later when class let out and Peter clapped him on the back hard enough to make him almost fall over, "I understand congratulations are in order, my boy!" The older man bellowed, "Marrying your entire team? Even I wouldn't be brave enough for that! The closest was Tai, and even he held off on going the whole way."

"H-How did you know?" Jaune asked.

"How? Lad, it's all over the news!" It was? Jaune's blood ran cold, "I daresay you've made a lot of men, and some women, rather jealous, but keep your chin up! Not everyone can walk the path of Entire Team. I wish you luck, Jaune."

"Yeah...thanks."

Jaune walked stiffly back to his dorm room. It was only now that he noticed more than a few of the guys glaring and muttering as he passed. There were a few 'lucky bastards' and 'what's so good about him?' that he heard, though he mostly paid it no mind. It was better than the few who had broken down in actual tears or were tossing their team RWBY memorabilia in a rage. That was just sad.

Weiss was the only one there when he arrived. She was poring over a set of documents at the desk, "...Everyone knows about the marriage thing," he said.

"I'm well aware." She didn't look up from the documents, "It's sooner than I would've liked - I would've preferred a controlled press conference with handpicked reporters - but it's a minor enough bump that we can ignore." She turned to the next page, "Klein, mother and Winter set their congratulations. So did Whitley, though he sounded much less enthusiastic about it."

"And...they're fine with it?" Jaune raised a brow.

"Why wouldn't they?" Weiss asked back.

"It's hardly...traditional."

"Traditional led to Jacques gaining control of the SDC. Hardly a sterling compliment." She smiled wryly, "Winter was worried, of course, but when I assured her that this was what I wanted she backed down."

"Right..." Jaune scratched the back of his head, "So...it's too late to ask, but are you...really cool with this? I mean being married like...well..."

She finally looked up at him, "Of course I am. I love all of you," she said it without a hint of hesitation or shyness, a far cry from the girl he knew when he first arrived at Beacon, "Granted it's not all romantic, but what we do behind closed doors isn't anyone's business. I see no downside to sharing my life with all of you." She paused, "Unless...you don't feel the same way?" She looked a bit hurt at the thought.

"No! I mean, that's not..." He sighed, "I love all of you too, but...I guess I considered myself more traditional. Mom always told me about finding the right girl to settle down with and have at least half a dozen grandbabies." She wasn't kidding about that last part. Arcs always had big families and she wanted her only son to continue the tradition, "I guess I'm still trying to come to terms with it."

"Well, there's no rush. We have the rest of our lives to do that." She laughed and pored over the documents again, "And if it's too much then we can still annull the marriage. As happy as I am with this arrangement, if you and Ruby are truly set against it then I won't push."

"Thanks." He smiled and looked over her shoulder, "What is that anyway?"

"Postnuptial agreements." She tapped her finger against the page, "We didn't sign a prenup so I thought it was better if we got this out of the way first. Not that I expect we'll get a divorce, but it never hurts to be prepared."

"It can't be that much of- wait, we each get a portion of the SDC if we separate?!"

"Of course," Weiss said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "I want as all to be equal in this relationship. Mother and Jacques' marriage taught me on the importance of that." She pursed her lips, "Again, I hardly expect we'll end the same way, but we can never be sure. In the event the worse comes to pass then we need to be prepared."

"I...wow, Weiss, that's..."

"It's nothing." She rolled her eyes then smiled.

He was about to say how much of a something it was when Ruby stomped in, scroll pressed against her right ear, "No, dad, it's not like that!" she said, face torn between frustration and embarassment, "I didn't- no, I'm not trying to start a harem like mom did!" Well, that was something he didn't need to know about the dearly departed Summer Rose, "We were drunk, dad, it was- ugh, I'm hanging up!"

She did just as Taiyang was telling her that it was okay and inevitable considering she had both Xiao Long and Rose genes. The rosy reaper faceplanted onto Weiss' bed and groaned, "...You okay, Rubes?" Jaune asked.

"No! This sucks!" Ruby sat up and brought a hand across her face, "Dad found out cause of the stupid Dustnet and now he thinks this was all my idea!" She grabbed the closest pillow and hugged it to her chest, "And there's even more rumors about me on the Dustnet! People think I'm some kind of evil mastermind and this was my plan all along. We're supposed to be heroes, not...ugh!"

"Is there anything we can do?" Weiss asked kindly.

"...Not really." She huffed and lay back down. Weiss and Jaune sat to her left and right, "I mean, I'm cool with the whole 'group marriage' thing now that Yang and I aren't, you know." Her face knotted in disgust, "But I'm just sick of everyone being a butt and assuming stuff!"

"People can be rather pig-headed." Weiss hummed and traced a hand across Ruby's arm. Jaune lay down next to Ruby and the redhead scooted closer so her head was resting against his chest. It was an position to be in, but they were all married, right? It wasn't wrong, "Yang and Blake are going to be a while and I believe we could all use a break. What say we..." she trailed off, though both Jaune and Ruby caught the implications and blushed.

Weiss really did change.

"A-Are you sure?" Ruby whispered, face still flushed.

"And why not? We're all married." The heiress smirked, "Don't worry, we won't do anything too...untoward. The clothes will remain on...unless you both think otherwise?"

"N-No, let's, uh, let's take it slow," Jaune said with Ruby squeaking her agreement. His second head ranted about how much it fucking hated him right at that moment before it was quickly silenced when Weiss leaned forward and kissed him.

A few hours later and Jaune was wandering around campus. It was dark out now, but he still felt wide awake. True to Weiss' words their clothes remained on, though he couldn't exactly called what happened back there platonic. The walk was there to clear his mind and digest that this was really happening. Weiss was making papers and everything. He'd married his entire team.

His scroll rang and he grimaced when he saw mom's name on the screen. Oh, this wasn't gonna be good.

"Hey, mo-"

"Your entire team," mom cut him off, and Jaune winced at how blank her voice sounded. It might've been better if she was angry, "I turn on the news and the headline is all about how Saviors of Remnant are all married to each other. What do you have to say for yourself, young man?"

"It...wasn't a mistake?" He wished he sounded more confident, but they did end up getting hitched after being drunk.

"Of course it isn't." Wait, what? "I'm talking about the fact that you married your entire team and you didn't tell us!"

"Hold on, you're not made that this isn't...traditional?"

"Of course not! Do you know how many grandbabies I'm going to have with four wives?!" His mom squeed. That was something he could've gone his whole life hearing, "Oh, they're all gonna be so cute! Saphron said she doesn't have any more plans for children after Adrian, so I expect at least ten!"

"You said six last time!"

"That was when you had one wife! You're lucky I'm not asking for twenty four, young man!"

"Ugh...listen, mom, I gotta go. Talk to you later." He cut the call just as she was rattling off about possible baby names. Great, so mom approved, and by extension that meant so did dad and the rest of his sisters. Going back to Domremy was gonna be a nightmare.

"Having an eventful night, Jaune?" Ozpin asked as he walked beside him. Jaune wasn't even surprised, "I understand congratulations are in order."

"Yeah, yeah..." Jaune sighed.

There was a moment of silence before Ozpin continued, "I know this may be premature, especially given the longer lifespans of those with trained Auras, but it's never too early to consider the future."

"...What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the inheritors of the Maiden power." Jaune blinked and stared blankly at the immortal body snatcher, "Salem may be gone, but the Grimm and evil will always remain on Remnant. Ensuring that the line of Maidens continues is paramount. To that end I would recommend that you prioritize female children and grandchildren. The Arcs are apparently predisposed to that anyway, but I have a spell that can guarantee-"

"No, we're not talking about this!" Jaune shouted and threw his hands up.

"Sex and procreation is a natural part of life, Jaune, there's no shame in-"

"I'm out of here." Jaune turned on his heel and walked away, passing by Mercury and Pyrrha on the way. The guy looked like he'd been through the wringer while Pyrrha was all smiles, so it was either sparring night or Pyrrha, as always, decided she wanted to be on top. Maybe both. The two put-upon teens shared a glance and nodded without saying a word. It was enough.

He walked outside to the courtyard when he caught sight of Blake and Yang, the former with her scroll held out on speaker, "No, dad, this wasn't my idea!" Blake shouted. This seemed familiar, "And I'm only doing this because everyone else wants it." Jaune raised a brow. That was a fucking lie right there. Yeah, he saw those ropes she bought. That and the Ninjas of Love: Instruction Manual.

"Aw, kitty's shy," Yang grinned, "I didn't hear you complaining the day after."

"Oh, darling, it's alright! We're not judging you!" Kali's voice came from the speaker.

"Yes you are! I can hear judgement in dad's tone right now!" Blake looked up at his approach and heaved a sigh of relief, "Look, Jaune's here and he'll tell you. This wasn't my idea and I've been the most sensible person here. Tell her, Jaune."

Jaune almost did, if only to be nice, but then he felt this urge- no, this compulsion. He could mess with Blake. He could get his revenge and mess with Blake. He needed to. It wasn't a hope or a dream. It was a hunger. A thirst.

...Maybe he had a problem, but he wasn't gonna unpack that now. Not when messing with Blake was a possibility.

Jaune smiled, and Yang seemed to realize what he was planning judging by how her eyes twinkled, "...It was all her idea." Blake looked like she'd just been stabbed and he continued shamelessly, "She was so sad and begging about how she wanted us to stay together." He said it without a hint of shame or any other indication that he was lying. Dealing with Blake made that a necessity.

"That's not- Jaune, you son of a-"

"Don't be ashamed, Blakey." Yang wrapped her arms around the other girl's shoulders and deftly plucked the scroll from her hand. Before Blake could move to grab it back, Yang kissed her cheek then grinned at the screen, "Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. B, we gotta head off. Kitty here's getting lonely and we wouldn't want that, right?"

Blake sputtered and tried to explain that they were both dirty liars but was too late as the call cut off. She stared at the blank screen before she glared at the two blondes, "I hate you both. So much." Despite her words she made no move to pull away from Yang's grip. What was it they called those kinds of people in those Mistralian cartoons? "I hope you both know that this means my revenge will be cruel and unusual. You'll beg for mercy and it won't come."

"I'd like to see you try." Yang brought Jaune to the hug when he got close and Jaune gulped nervously at where his head ended up being placed. Yang was definitely the most...gifted in team RWBY, "Ah, whatever! The three of us should go out to Vale for a drink!"

"We have classes tomorrow." Blake rolled her eyes.

"Not to mention the last time we got drunk we all ended up married," Jaune pointed out after.

"We saved the world. Pretty sure even Goodwitch will give us some slack." Jaune personally doubted that, but he knew Yang wouldn't be convinced otherwise, "But hey, we can always invite Rubes and Weiss there too. Not like we can get double married, right?"

They actually did, and he also ended up getting his cherry popped, though that was a story for another time.

It was during the weekend when they were all the dorm relaxing when Jaune realized how normal everything was. Sure everyone was married to everyone sans Ruby and Yang, thank the Gods for Weiss' legal skills, but it wasn't nearly as awkward as he thought it'd be. They still hung out, still bickered, still got dragged into Weiss' study sessions, Yang's weekly club visits and Blake's shenanigans. At least Ruby was a bastion of sanity.

Weiss was the most forward thinking, as expected, while everyone was more content to let things come how they may.

"We're all going to be living at the Schnee mansion when we graduate, obviously," Weiss said as she handed them their postnuptial contracts an hour later. She'd advised them to read through it carefully at least twice, though he knew Yang would just sign it once her back was turned, "It has the most amenities and would be the best for raising any future children."

"We're...having kids?" Ruby asked shyly.

"It's not a guarantee, but I would like at least a couple." Weiss looked at him as she said that. He smiled and blushed, "Which is why I'm again saying we should move to Atlas when we graduate."

"Atlas isn't exactly the most keen on Faunus even after your father's death." Blake crossed her arms, "You've seen how the Atlas Daily's referring to me. The rest of these guys are your 'consorts', but I'm your 'pet Faunus'."

Weiss winced, "Yes...I won't deny that my home has issues, but the mansion would be the best place for us to all stay together."

"Why not my place back at Menagerie? Our house is big enough too."

"Because while Atlas may be racist, they don't personally hate your name and everything you stand for," Weiss replied. Blake hummed, unable to disagree. Even with the changes Weiss was enacting a lot of Faunus still gave her the side-eye.

"Why are we even talking about houses?" Yang leaned forward on the bed, "We're gonna be Huntsmen after we graduate! That means we're gonna be exploring Remnant like a BnB group. We're gonna go full murderhobo!"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure General Ironwood's gonna love that." Jaune laughed under his breath. As happy as the general was about Salem being stopped, he also realized that meant a group of four demigods were now free to do whatever they wanted. He'd been very quick to offer them a lucrative contract at the party to hire them on a permanent basis for Atlas. There were a lot of zeroes there.

"I kinda wanna go exploring. We saved the world, we should get to see what it's like." Ruby smiled, "But whatever we're gonna do we're all gonna do it together."

"Well said." Weiss smiled and looked at them all in turn, "I suppose we can worry about it down the line."

"Sweet. What's next?" Yang asked.

"Midterms, so that means studying." Weiss beamed while the rest of them groaned. Oh well, it was a small price to pay to stay with the rest of the team.

Chapter ended up being kinda Weiss focused, but I thought it made sense since she comes across as the type to worry more about the fine details while everyone else is just living life. Poor Ruby didn't get as much focus as a result, though I think that's fair since she already has the romance in the main story. Let Ice Queen have some love.

By the way, I came across another team that might be interesting for an Alternative Maiden omake. Team JNRZ made up of Jaune Arc, Neon Katt, Reese Chloris, and May Zedong. I can either genderbend Jaune for the fourth Maiden or slot in Velvet to keep the 'International Team' theme going. That accent is just weird since no one else in Remnant seems to have one.

Questions:

1. So how was the only ever harem (sorta) chapter I'm ever gonna write? I was gonna ask if you guys would be interested in the more typical harem wish fulfillment chapter, but like I said I doubt I can write one properly. I can barely write Lancaster for Seasons.

2. Would you guys be interested in a White Knight omake? I kinda wanna do one where Weiss is as silly and exageratted as Blake is in the Worst Girl Wins chapter. Except instead of being a delusional liar, Weiss just insists that everything she's doing - including romancing Jaune - is all a part of her plan to take back the SDC and redeem her family name. No one really believes her.

Review Answers:

BrazeRancor - Yang is paired with Ruby. Jaune (and maybe Pyrrha) are attached to the team.

Calcetin Sock - Yeah it's based on fanart, I said so in the AN.

Mally - Unlikely since there's only one other chapter focused on comedy.

Chuck B. Winanaki - Poor Pyrrha just has shitty parents that don't care about what she wants. And it's hilarous.