A/N: Hi, it's been a while! If you're a follower who just got this email alert for a new chapter, you're probably like "what story even is this?" or "they're alive?" So apologies for the really… really… long break! I hope you're still interested in seeing what happens, because while I haven't been able to update, (it's a long story) I sure don't want to give up on this story, even if it takes me 30 years (it better not…) But! I would like to thank everyone who left kind reviews since my last upload, they mean so much to me and I've read through them like 100 times. I'm so glad people have been enjoying the story! And to all the people who have followed since the last upload, welcome!

Also we've hit the 100k word mark… oh my word…

Chapter 17 - Paranoia

Hermione didn't know how long she stood staring at the classroom door. It was still ajar from Remus running out of the room, and she just stayed frozen, silently hoping and praying that he would walk back through it; that he would return and understand why she had not told him what she knew, and he'd accept it, proving that she hadn't just ruined everything.

What felt like hours passed as Hermione stayed rooted to the floor of the room, soundlessly holding her breath as she waited to hear Remus's returning footsteps. But the only thing she could hear was the whistling of the wind in the darkness coming from the other side of the large panes of glass of the classroom and her own heartbeat beating rapidly in both her chest and in her head.

Soon, the realization began to sink in as she continued to stare numbly at the open classroom door: that Remus was not going to return. Her legs began to grow weak, and she could feel herself slowly stumbling backwards until she felt a desk behind her. Her hands quickly grasped the wooden edge of the desk to brace herself against it to keep herself from falling to the cold floor.

What had she done?

A million thoughts began to simultaneously race through her mind as panic was creeping its way up her body, making her grow cold. When suddenly, an idea clicked into place and soon Hermione was running out the classroom door just as Remus had. How long ago had that really been? Time felt purely like an illusion at this point, and Hermione knew all too well how deceiving time truly was. But one thing she did know for a fact, as her feet pounding along the stone floors of the corridors as she ran:

She needed to get to Dumbledore.

.:~*~*~*~*~:.

It was cold in the Charms classroom that January morning, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary, given that the entire castle had been growing slowly colder in the past week since the last full moon.

Remus held his wand out in front of him absentmindedly, twirling it between his fingers, not really paying attention to the nearly empty room around him as he waited for the rest of the class to fill in and begin. Twirling his wand probably wasn't the safest of things to be doing, but his mind was too preoccupied, against his better judgment.

The longer he sat there, the more he began to regret skipping breakfast and just coming straight to the classroom so early. At least if he had gone to breakfast he'd have a distraction from his thoughts, but the idea of food made his stomach feel unsettled, he hadn't been able to eat a full meal since he had last seen Hermione; and neither him nor the other Marauders had seen her at all since he had returned on Friday.

The weekend was over and there had been no sign of her anywhere, and Remus could not get rid of the pit that had taken up, what seemed to be, a permanent residency in his stomach.

When he hadn't seen her the next day, he had assumed she was just keeping her distance. After all... it was him who had made a run for it and left her behind in the classroom. But one day turned into two, and then when the weekend came and went and meals had passed, she had not made an appearance. He didn't know what to make of it.

That night he hadn't been able to sleep, after hours of staring into the darkness he instead had decided to see where she was on the Marauder's Map. He knew it was pathetic, but he had to be sure that she wasn't going to tell anyone. This was his life at stake, and as much as he wished he could respect her privacy, he feared far too much for his own.

The longer he stared at the map the more slimy and disgusting he felt. He hated it, but he had to be sure she wasn't telling anyone his secret. It felt like it was pointless, even if she were with people, how would he be sure what she was saying to them? But at least knowing where she was in that moment gave him the smallest sense of comfort. When he had finally dozed off that night, the last place he remembered seeing her name on the map was still in that old unused classroom. But when he had woken up it seemed like she had disappeared from the map completely. After double and tripling checking the map that Saturday morning, he still could not find her name anywhere. It made no sense. Was she leaving the castle? She couldn't be…

Peter had been right; things weren't clearly adding up as he wished they would. Deep down he knew Hermione was hiding something, they all did. Did he believe she was dangerous? Well, he hoped not, but her finding out his secret… that was not good at all. Logic told him that any minute she could tell someone, but his heart protested against that notion; that Hermione wouldn't do that…

But what he did know for sure was that he no longer cared. There was this feeling within him that he couldn't shake, and he knew deep down that he believed he could trust her. Whether he trusted she was telling him the whole truth, he wasn't sure… but he did trust her with this secret, and essentially his life. If she had known all year what would change now?

After his pure panic and paranoia had worn down that night, he was sure that the Hermione he knew and cared so deeply for would keep his secret, and he wanted nothing more than to speak to her… wherever she was. It was why he decided not to share with his fellow Marauders the odd predicament of her not being visible on the map anymore, knowing full well that they would probably jump to the worst conclusions. So, after he tucked it away back in James's trunk that morning, he did not touch it again.

He stopped twirling his wand and stared down at the desk in front of him in shame. If he hadn't have reacted like that would she be sitting beside him right now in class? Had he scared her off? What if she transferred back to Beauxbatons? Was that even a possibility? No, that would be ridiculous. If she had left everything behind to start a new life at Hogwarts, he couldn't imagine she would leave just because of him. That would be giving himself far too much credit. Yet, the lump in his throat seemed to get thicker at the thought of her leaving.

"You alright there, mate?" said a voice from besides him, and Remus jumped slightly in his seat and turned towards the voice. Sirius had his eyebrow raised as he approached the desk, followed by James and Peter. "You have this look as if you're on another planet."

"Was she at breakfast?" Remus quietly asked as Sirius, James, and Peter took their seats around him. He didn't bother answering Sirius's question.

There was no sense in even waiting for any of them to speak to know the answer based on the looks the three other Marauders exchanged.

"Nah, mate," said Sirius with a small frown when the other two boys didn't respond. "No sign of her still…"

Remus sighed softly and leaned back into his chair and looked back down at the desk in front of him. The whole thing was ridiculous; at first, he hadn't even wanted to see her after she admitted she knew. Now she was all he wanted to see and talk to, but maybe now she didn't want to be around him.

While he had wondered whether she would be beside him if he had stayed with her, the opposite thought began to creep through his head and root itself there as well. What if he had stayed in that classroom last Friday night and she slowly realized it was a mistake to be his friend and she left him? Was that what she was doing now? There was no way he would be able to bear that pain. He could barely handle the uncertainty it, having a clear answer may be the death of him.

The room slowly grew louder as students began to fill the room. Remus watched as Lily and Mary entered the classroom, talking casually to Michelle Pickett and Claudia Mahoney from Hufflepuff. His heart gave a small leap, hoping maybe he would see a girl with bushy brown hair trailing behind them, but he was only disappointed when it was just the four of them. Sadly, he watched as they crossed the room and took their seats with the rest of the Hufflepuff girls, Alexa, Doris, Joana, and Sarah.

He watched them for a moment and Mary broke off her conversation with Claudia to look over at him. There was a slight look of confusion on her face but no trace of accusation in her eyes as she regarded him. That was a good sign, right? That Hermione hadn't told them his secret? Claudia followed her gaze and when she saw him she gave him a warm smile and a small wave. Remus gave an automatic wave back, his stomach feeling more unsettled as he wondered how much the rest of them knew about what was going on or where Hermione was. What had Hermione told Mary and Lily about why she wasn't in class? He returned his gaze to his desk just as the bell rang.

"Settle down, class, settle down!" piped the tiny Professor Flitwick as he made his way to the front of the room with a grin. There was the sound of rustling as the class took of their quills and notes out of their bags. "Good morning everyone, I hope you're ready to start learning a brand-new spell! Today we are turning vinegar into wine!"

"Wouldn't that be a transfiguration spell then?" called out Jared from Hufflepuff.

"Fantastic question Mr. Muller!" said Flitwick, "Normally yes, if we were to transform one thing into another it would fall under Transfigurations, but does anyone in the class care to venture why this is a Charms spell instead?"

The class was silent as Flitwick scanned the rows of students with a hopeful twinkle in his eyes, waiting for a hand that never came. Remus, too, scanned the classroom and his eyes fell on the door, once again hoping a certain witch would enter, because Remus was almost certain that Hermione would probably be the one to know the answer. A hand fell on his shoulder and Remus looked behind him at James who gave him a sad but knowing nod. He could almost hear James's voice saying "It'll be alright, mate." Remus looked back towards the front of the class to an equally disappointed Flitwick who cleared his throat slightly.

"Well, to answer your question, Mr. Muller; the reason this is considered a charm is because it is not technically transforming one thing into another," started Flitwick, sounding excited. "On the contrary, it is actually reverting the properties of the vinegar that it went through when it was oxidized from ethanol, and by doing so reducing it back to the state of being wine! Does that make sense?"

Clearly from the blank look on Jared's face the answer was "no", but he nodded and thanked Flitwick before turning towards Sarah and giving her a wink as Flitwick continued on.

A sort of resentment began to fill Remus. There was something about that wink that twisted his insides. He was so sure Hermione would have known the answer if she were there. In his mind he could clearly see how her hand would have shot in the air with her eyes wide with excitement and determination. He could hear how she would have spoken the answer so confidently and eloquently, how she would have held onto every word Flitwick said as she scrambled to copy everything that came out of his mouth into her notebook. The wink could have been from her to him, not Jared to Sarah. Well, he couldn't actually picture Hermione ever winking at him the way Jared, who was dating Sarah, winked at her… clearly different circumstances… but he would give anything in that moment to see that proud smile, flushed cheeks, and gleam in her eye she got when she answered a question correctly and was praised for it.

But instead, he had to watch Jared not even bother to copy down what Flitwick had said.

The rest of the class went by at a snail's pace, and Remus kept silently praying for it to end. Between exchanging glances at the door and the empty seat Hermione usually filled, he felt utterly defeated and alone, even while surrounded by the rest of his friends.

Where was she?

As much as he tried to concentrate on the murky brown liquid in the glass in front of him, he was making absolutely no progress turning the vinegar into wine. Normally, knowing that the rest of the class was also struggling with the spell would make him feel better about his own struggles, but today it just added to his utter sense of defeat.

The sound of a glass beside him shattering snapped him back into reality. Peter managed to make his vinegar turn to ice which then exploded across the room, dosing the entire class in small shards of ice. A few people screamed while others used textbooks or bags to cover their heads to protect themselves from the downpour.

"Okay, okay!" said Flitwick with a nervous laugh as he cast a small shield charm above his head as the ice and glass rained down. "I believe that is a good place to end for the day! Everyone's homework will be to practice!"

Unfortunately for Remus, the rest of the day dragged on just as long as their first class had. It was filled with staring at classroom doors and empty seats, while ignoring the concerned looks from James, Sirius, and Peter, who would whisper things to each other anytime Remus was just out of earshot.

Meals were the same, and Remus spent most of the time pushing food around his plate rather than actually eating anything.

"Moony, are you ready to head back to the dormitory?" said Sirius from across the table.

Remus glanced up from his plate in front of him and looked at Sirius, as if just remembering he was there. He then became aware of the groups of students starting to make their way out of the Great Hall from dinner.

"You guys go ahead," he said, as he absentmindedly pushed more mashed potatoes around on his plate. "I think I'll stay here a bit longer and catch up with you guys later."

"Remus, you can talk to us," said James with a frown from beside Sirius. "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now… but, we're here."

Gratefulness spread through Remus as he looked at James and Sirius across the table, and Peter beside him with fondness. His best friends.

"It's okay," he said with a forced smile. "I want to stay until the end of dinner to see if she shows up at any point. She has to eat sometime…"

"You have to eat too, Remus," said Peter with a frown, gesturing to the barely touched plate.

"I'll eat more," he said. Remus then picked up fork and shoved some mashed potatoes into his mouth. After sitting out for so long they were cold and a weird texture, but Remus refused to let his displeasure show. "See?"

The three boys gave him skeptical looks but eventually they left him to wait to see if Hermione would show up. Wanting to see if she would appear at dinner had only been a half truth. After he had said it, it did sound like a good idea. Hermione would have to eat at some point… and if she were getting food and didn't want to be seen the best time to do that would be right at the end of dinner. But the other half of the truth was that Remus just needed to be alone with his thoughts without the curious looks and forced conversation from his caring friends.

The usual chatter and sounds of plates and silverware slowly became lonely silence as dishes on the tables began to disappear and students made their way out of the Great Hall. By the time the tables were entirely cleared, only a few groups of students remained at the tables, and not once did Remus see that head of bushy brown hair.

The walk back to the common room was silent. All of the overthinking he had done all day had finally taken its toll, and Remus's brain just felt numb. If she wasn't on the Map the other day and wasn't going to meals what could that mean? Could she really just have… left?

When Remus crawled through the portrait hole he immediately heard someone call, "Remus!"

His heart gave a short leap at the high-pitched voice but it immediately fell when his eyes landed on Mary. She was sitting at one of the tables with Lily by the windows, each of them had a glass of vinegar out in front of them. Slowly, he crossed the room towards them. Maybe they would have some information on what Hermione was up to.

"Hello, Mary," he said, trying his best to hide his disappointment. "Hello, Lily."

"Did you just get back from dinner?" Mary asked, setting her wand down on the table in front of her. "We saw Sirius, Peter, and James come through a little while ago."

"Yeah, I decided to take my time tonight," he said, moving his hand to rest on the back of his neck. With his other hand he gestured towards the glasses in front of them. "Practicing for homework I see."

"Yeah…" said Mary, her eyebrows furrowing. "It's a tricky one."

Remus nodded in agreement and Lily looked up at him and frowned, her green eyes looking at him curiously. "You haven't… seen Hermione, have you?"

The question immediately sent Remus's body on alert. Surely her two roommates would have seen her.

"Not since Friday night. I was actually going ask you that," he said slowly, feeling his heart begin to race. "Why? Have you not seen her either?"

Mary and Lily exchanged quick looks of concern.

"No, we haven't," said Mary with slight alarm in her usual steady voice. "We haven't seen her since we had come back from dinner on Friday. We assumed over the weekend she must have been busy studying or something… because you know how she can just disappear for a bit and ends up she was just hiding behind a stack of books in the library—"

"—Yeah we thought maybe she was just getting up before us and coming back after we've gone to sleep," continued Lily. "It wouldn't be the first time, but then she wasn't at meals and it's very unlike her to skip class…"

Remus's heart was now hammering in his chest. Lily and Mary could be right with their first thought, maybe Hermione was getting up early and coming back late… But by the nervous looks on their faces he knew they didn't believe it just as much as he didn't. They were right, it didn't seem like Hermione to skip class.

"I haven't seen her since we went over notes together like we usually do when I've been gone. Which was Friday night," he said with a shaky voice.

There was a short pause as Lily and Mary exchanged another look.

"Did something… happen?" asked Mary in a soft voice.

Remus's stomach dropped.

"Why do you ask that?"

"You seemed off in class earlier. I was going to ask you when it ended but the look on your face when we got there…" Mary bit her lip slightly. "I thought it would be best to wait."

"When we studied, she was fine," said Remus. It wasn't exactly a lie, but he could feel his face growing warmer as he omitted the whole truth. "I really have no idea where she could be, I'm actually a bit worried now…"

That part definitely wasn't a lie, and Remus watched as Mary's brown eyes softened at him.

"I'm sure it's nothing…," started Lily quickly. "But if she doesn't show up tomorrow, I think we should mention it to Professor McGonagall…"

Remus stiffly nodded and looked down at his shoes. "If you guys do see her, will you let me know?"

"Of course, Remus…" Lily firmly, but there was a warmth emphasized in her tone and in her eyes.

"Thank you," he said looking back up at the pair of them. "Have a good night," he said before walking towards the stairs to the boys dormitories, feeling more confused than ever.

~o~

The rest of the night felt like a repeat of the past Friday. Remus lay in his four-poster bed with his curtains drawn and stared up at the canopy wishing for sleep to come and save him from his ever-running mind. Low, rhythmic, snores were coming from the direction of Peter's bed, but Remus could hear James and Sirius whispering to each other from James's.

"Should we be worried?" he heard, the voice was so low, barely audible to the point that Remus could not even distinguish whether it was James or Sirius. "Where do you think Hermione could be?"

"I'm not sure," said the other one, equally as low. "But it's freaking Remus out."

Remus squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and tried to tune them out. He didn't know what was worse, the whispers or the silence to let his own thoughts in. Knowing now that Hermione hadn't even made an appearance in her dormitory added to his growing sense of panic and paranoia. Maybe she really had left the castle. Could she really have gone back to France? Was she afraid of him? Did some weird part of her think she could be doing him a favor by leaving? That certainly wouldn't be true…What if she went back to Beauxbatons to tell all of her friends about her scary experience with a werewolf? The thought of strangers in France knowing his secret sent chills down his body.

At this point, he wasn't sure what scared him more, the fear of being exposed by her or the fear of losing her. The answer should have been so obvious but instead his heart protested against what should have been the logical choice, making him even more frustrated with himself.

With his mind racing, Remus knew he wasn't going to get much sleep again. Another long night. Turning over on his side, Remus leaned forward and reached through his curtains and opened his bedside table, grabbing a hold of a book.

As quietly as possible, he slipped into his pair of slippers and walked towards the door in the dark dormitory with the book clutched in his arm.

"Remus?" called out a questioning Sirius from the other side of James's curtain as the door creaked open. But Remus ignored him and closed the door behind him and followed the stairs into the deserted Common Room.

Everything looked so still in that moment. The fire burned low, looking near the end of its life and the torches were nearly extinguished as well, casting the room in soft shadows. Remus made his way to the couch in front of the fire, where he would have the most amount of light and laid down. He untucked the book from under his arm and looked down at the cover for the first time to see what he had grabbed.

Hogwarts: A History.

Of course.

All he had wanted was a distraction, but he had somehow picked the one book in the whole world that Hermione loved more than anything, making it near impossible to not think of her. The universe was playing a nasty trick on him. Or maybe it was so kind of cosmic sign, but he didn't know whether it was threatening him or teasing him.

He flipped through the pages casually, not reading in depth but reading here and there, enough to distract his mind until finally exhaustion took a hold of his body and he drifted off into a light, dreamless sleep.

A/N: So this was actually a really really hard chapter to write for some reason. I think it was one of the reasons it took me waaaaaay to long to update the story. I actually had 3 other completely different chapters written instead because I couldn't make up my mind, basically like 20k words of other stuff that just wasn't working. There was one scene that I'm actually really bummed didn't end up making it into this chapter because I really really liked it but alas… I think I'll try to salvage bits for a later chapter, because I feel like it can work well with a different section that I have outlined so we'll see.

I know this chapter was heavy with internal conflict and thoughts, so if you were missing more interaction between characters and dialogue then just prepare yourself from the next chapter!

So let me know what you thought! Is there anything in particular that you liked? Anything you want to happen? Anything you think should be different? What do you think will happen next? Any suggestions or concerns? Let me know!

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