A/N: Thanks for asking how long the story plans on being Leota Toombs! If anyone else is curious here we go: My current outline has 56 chapters, but most likely it'll be somewhere between 55-60. My outline changes as I write and in the past I've had some chapters combine, split into multiples, get scrapped completely, or have new ones added. If things go to plan, these upcoming chapters most likely won't be as long as some of the ones already posted (some are ridiculously long hitting 10k-14k words!) and plot wise we're already past the halfway point. So while there's about half the chapters left to go, words wise we're more than halfway. Although, I am bad as guesstimating these things because I have a nasty habit of overwriting and this story is already way longer than I anticipated! Whoops!
Also, happy birthday to Remus Lupin!
Chapter 30 – Two Hearts
When Hermione, Remus, James, and Lily arrived at the Hospital Wing, they saw about a third of their class crowded around Mary's hospital bed. Somehow, Mary had managed to leave her entire leg behind during her test. Normally that wouldn't have been much of an issue – during their very first lesson, Joana Kelley had apparated without some fingers and the Heads of House had fixed her almost instantly – but during the test the Heads of House had all been teaching lessons.
Apparently, as soon as Mary realized her leg was still on the other side of the room, she had panicked and tried to replace it herself. Unfortunately, Mary hadn't done it properly and instead of reattaching her leg fully intact, she reattached it while managing to vanish the bones in the process. According to Claudia, who was in her group and now sitting at the end of her hospital bed, Mary had moved faster than Twycross and the other Ministry instructor could react. By the time they were both at her side, the bones were completely gone.
To Hermione, the sight of Mary's limp, boneless leg, looked grotesque as it bent in all the wrong directions, like it was made from rubber. It brought her back to seeing Harry's arm when they were in second year and it made her stomach turn. But Mary didn't seem particularly bothered by any of it and was happily chatting to all her friends with Marcus glued to her side, clutching her hand. It wasn't until Madam Pomfrey gave her the Skele-Gro potion that her mindset on the situation seemed to change.
Marcus promised to stay by her bedside all night while her bones regrew, but Madam Pomfrey wasn't having any of it. Yelling that Mary was in for a rough and painful night, she kicked all of them out the Hospital Wing.
Sirius was rather bitter for missing all the 'fun' after they tracked him and Peter down in the common room. He complained the entire time as the six of them made their way to dinner, which ended up being a rather sullen affair after the long day.
It was quiet in the dormitory when Hermione got there that night, which made it perfect for the nightly animagus ritual. Normally Hermione would have to find somewhere else to perform the spell; an abandoned classroom or the lavatory, but Mary was still in the Hospital Wing from splinching herself and Lily was off doing Prefect rounds with Remus. That left Hermione with the whole room to herself.
"Amato Animo Animato Animagus," Hermione murmured with her wand tip on her chest, just as she had done every morning and night since they planted the animagus potion.
Then, for the first time in the weeks she had been doing the spell every sunrise and sunset, she felt it ever so slightly. A low rhythmic drumming deep within her chest, slowly becoming more noticeable.
A second heartbeat.
It had startled her so much she nearly dropped her wand to the floor. A second heartbeat! That meant everything she had done so far had been correct! As soon as she could go back to James's house this summer and wait for an electrical storm… she could become an animagus.
Her heartrate increased with her excitement – both of them – and she quickly tore out of the room, hoping the others were in their dormitory. What luck that Remus was off doing rounds!
Without warning, Hermione opened the door to the boys' dormitory and burst into the room. She stopped short when she noticed James, Sirius, and Peter were not sitting on their beds, but instead were sprawled out on the ground in front of the heating oven.
"You've let her get too comfortable here, Prongs," said Sirius, not even bothering to look up from where he, James, and Peter rested on the floor, playing a game of Exploding Snap. "Look at her… she doesn't even knock anymore…"
Hermione ignored his statement.
"I felt the second heartbeat!" she blurted out, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.
"What?" gasped Sirius.
A card he had just picked up from the pile in front of him exploded into his face and Sirius swore.
"Just now?" asked James with excitement as Sirius coughed and spluttered. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and beamed at her.
"Yes! Just as I was doing the sunset spell!" she grinned, wiping away the puff of smoke that got near her face. "It feels so strange…"
It felt as though her heart was beating at double the speed now, but if she focused hard she could differentiate them. The new one still felt very distant, but it was beating much faster than her usual heart had ever beat. She wondered if it had to do with her excitement or if it would always be that fast.
"Sooner or later you'll forget it's even there," said James, beaming.
"Can you visualize what you'll turn into yet?" asked Peter.
Hermione shook her head. "No not yet, but this is still a good sign, right?"
"A great sign!" exclaimed James.
"And you don't normally see the animal in your head until the potion is complete anyway," said Sirius, also grinning now as he wiped soot from the exploding card from his face.
"And now," said James sounding like an excited child. "We wait for lightning to strike!"
Hermione was beaming from ear to ear. After everything that had happened that day, she couldn't imagine it ending on a better note.
.:~*~*~*~*~:.
"I've spent way too much time in this hospital this week," said James, lounging back in one of the chairs around Remus's hospital bed.
"Speak for yourself," said Remus weakly. "I'm the one not allowed to leave."
Remus bit off a piece of a chocolate bar, willing his pain to stop.
"That's true. Mary got to leave the next morning," said Peter. "You're pushing your third day."
"Exactly. Thank you for understanding, Peter," said Remus between chews.
"It was sweet that you and Lily went to visit her often, James," Hermione said to James.
"Well, just be glad Macdonald's not here anymore. It would have been hard to sneak in here under her nosey nose," said Sirius
"Her 'nosey nose', Sirius?" said Hermione with a raised eyebrow. "That's the best you can do?"
"Give me a minute, I'll come up with something better…"
"Or don't," said James with a smirk.
Remus leaned further back in the hospital bed as another jab of pain went through his head. It was now the second night since the full moon that he had to stay in hospital and he was beginning to get antsy. The transformation has been a bit rougher than his past few, and Madam Pomfrey had still refused to let him leave. It was probably for the best; his emotions were definitely still heightened and there was lingering pain, but having to stay annoyed him. His quick recovery from the full moon before the holiday had spoiled him and he was still feeling absolutely miserable, just wishing the pain would stop and he could leave.
What bothered him the most was still not having had time to go to the Room of Requirement and the sooner he was released, the sooner he could go with Hermione back to their room. Although, even if on the off-chance Madam Pomfrey released him that night, it would be too late. He was surprised she hadn't come to kick his friends out yet as it was growing later and later with curfew rapidly approaching. But even though it was a late Thursday night with classes early in the next morning, Hermione, James, Sirius, and Peter sat loyally around his bedside.
"I'll think of something because Moony deserves to be entertained," said Sirius.
"Or, we can spend our time making sure he doesn't fall behind," said Hermione with a small nod, lifting up her schoolbag onto her lap. "We have yet to even discuss what he's missed in class and exams are so soon."
Remus suppressed a grin as Sirius looked horrified at her.
"I have your Ancient Runes notes right here, as well as Charms," continued Hermione, pulling out notebook after notebook from the bag and placing them on his bedside table. "And James said he took your notes for Divination yesterday morning."
Remus watched her with amusement as she continued to stack up the notes from the past few days. He loved how enthralled she was with her studies, even if it had meant he barely saw her the last few weeks. Her passion was unmatched.
"I thought it was Sirius's turn to do Divination notes," said Remus with a weak smile.
"Hard to take notes if you're asleep," said Peter with a snort.
Hermione sent Sirius a pointed look and Remus laughed.
"Perhaps you shouldn't sleep in class then, Sirius," said Hermione with narrowed eyes.
"Oi, we were up late the night before!" defended Sirius. "Plus, it's easy for you to say not to sleep in Divination… You aren't in it. It's proper boring. Have you ever done Ovomancy? Imagine just having to crack eggs all morning and try to have them tell the future. It's barmy!"
"No, I haven't done Ovomancy," said Hermione coolly, taking out one last notebook and adding it to the stack. "And for good reason. Divination is a ridiculous subject and I don't need to be wasting my time trying to see the future in an egg, teacup, or whatever someone just stepped in, thank you very much."
"Exactly! Now you know why it's more useful for me to catch up on my sleep!"
"No, you should have taken a more respectable subject." scolded Hermione. She grabbed hold of the Ancient Runes notebook and held it close to her chest. "Now Ancient Runes is fascinating!"
"I thought you said you didn't want me to sleep?" snorted Sirius.
Hermione scowled at him.
"I don't think I've ever heard you talk badly about a class before," said Peter to Hermione.
"That's because most classes actually teach facts, not fiction," Hermione scoffed with her nose in the air.
The corner of Remus's mouth twitched.
"Which is why you like Ancient Runes and Arithmancy. There's solid proof for everything," he said.
Hermione looked at him, seeming impressed.
"Exactly!" She put his notes back in the pile and pulled out her Ancient Runes textbook and flipped it open, hungrily skimming the pages. "It's fascinating how these runic scriptures can be translated into their own alphabet or even as logograms! Think of all the wizarding knowledge that has been translated from hundreds of years ago that we would never know about without this subject."
"Knowledge to unlock knowledge," said Remus and Hermione grinned.
"Precisely!"
"And then you like Arithmancy because it is measurable and palpable," said Remus.
Hermione nodded eagerly.
"Unlike… Divination–" started Hermione, and she made a face at just mentioning the class. "–Arithmancy uses facts to predict the future. Magical patterns and probabilities in numbers, not crystal balls and tea leaves. It's far more precise and backed in science and allows one to be analytical… logical. There's no guesswork; there's thought and calculation."
"Not to mention muggles have their own version of it, albeit without the magic…" said Remus with a laugh.
"Yes, they do," said Hermione with a curious smile as she looked at him.
"No wonder it's your favorite subject," smiled Remus with a nod.
Hermione's smile widened and she looked at him so affectionately that his chest tightened.
"That's right, it is."
They held each other's gaze and Remus grinned, looking at her warm brown eyes twinkling in the torchlight from her excitement. She was so beautiful.
There was a cough and Remus turned to look at Sirius looking back and forth between him and Hermione.
"What?" asked Remus.
"Are you done salivating over runes and maths?" Sirius sighed.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Sure, Pads, we're done…"
"Good," said Sirius with a nod and then he turned to Hermione. "Okay, Hermione, time to go."
"What?" said Hermione, clearly startled. "We're leaving already?"
"Not 'we'. You," said Sirius.
Hermione's mouth dropped open.
"What? Why? We haven't even started going over notes with Remus!"
"Why does she have to go?" asked Remus with a frown.
"Because we need to have a Marauders chat," said Sirius.
Remus looked at James and Peter hoping for some sort of explanation, but they looked equally as confused.
"I don't see why she has to leave," said Remus, and Hermione nodded at Sirius and crossed her arms.
"Trust me, this is strictly Marauders' business," said Sirius.
Hermione looked between the four of them and huffed before standing.
"Fine," snapped Hermione, slamming her book shut and slinging her bag over her shoulder. She sent Sirius a nasty glare as she reached for the curtain surrounding Remus's bed before turning back to them. "I guess I'll go study on my own."
"The library is already closed," said James as she pulled back the curtain.
"Then I'll have to go somewhere where no one can bother me," she said smugly, and Remus immediately knew what she meant. He wished more than anything he were allowed to follow her out.
Remus smiled at her apologetically and Hermione returned it with a weary smile of her own. Her wild hair whipped around as she turned and stomped out of the room.
"What did you do that for?" demanded Remus as soon as he heard the large hospital doors click shut. "She's been so distant lately and acting strange and then you kick her out when she finally wants to spend time with us?"
"Because we need to talk," said Sirius. "Alone."
"What on earth for?" asked Remus, feeling the pain in his head intensify. He couldn't imagine there was anything he couldn't say in front of Hermione at this point. Not to mention, Sirius knew how much Remus wanted her around. To just kick her out and upset her more…
"Remus…" said James in a soft voice.
Remus looked at him and saw concern on his face. He followed James's gaze to his hands and realized they were balled into fists and shaking slightly at his sides. Shame washed through him and he unclenched his hands and took a long breath.
"Better?" asked James.
"Yes," nodded Remus, focusing on another breath as the stinging in his head lessened. He hated how out of control his emotions got before and after a transformation. He quickly took another bite of his chocolate bar.
"Because I can't just sit there and ignore the way she looks at you and not say anything," said Sirius, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs, looking quite pleased with himself.
"That's what was so important that you had to get her to leave?" demanded Remus, rolling his eyes.
"Did you want me to bring it up in front of her?"
"No, you shouldn't be bringing it up at all because you don't know what you're talking about," said Remus irritably.
"Oh please, I can't be the only one here with eyes!" said Sirius, looking around at the three of them. "Did no one else see the way she was just looking at him? Or the way they look at each other all the time? Please! It's so obvious!"
"He's got a bit of a point," said Peter. "That was rather… intimate."
Remus felt himself flush.
"Exactly! Then she sometimes goes all weird around you, or defensive when you're brought up…" continued Sirius.
"I still think she acts strange because she had something to hide," said Peter quietly.
Sirius rounded on him. "We're back on this again? We've known her long enough to be able to trust her."
Peter just shrugged so Sirius turned back to Remus.
"She obviously fancies you! Maybe that's what she's hiding!"
"No, she doesn't," said Remus through gritted teeth.
"Yeah? And how are you so sure?" challenged Sirius.
"Because she told me to ask out Claudia Mahoney," snapped Remus. "Bit weird of someone who likes you to tell you to go out with someone else."
His remark seemed to stun Sirius to silence.
"I'm sorry, Remus," James said looking at him with pity.
"It's alright," muttered Remus, feeling his chest ache.
"Maybe she said it to make him jealous and see how he would react," suggested Sirius after a moment.
"Does Hermione seem like the type to play games like that?" asked James, and Remus had to agree with him. It didn't seem like something she would do at all.
"I don't know then! I can't make sense of her telling you to ask Mahoney out. But it must have crushed her to do so," said Sirius, crossing his arms.
"Maybe you should ask Claudia out, Remus. She clearly likes you," said James slowly.
Remus knew that James wouldn't have suggested it if he hadn't meant it, and his stomach turned.
"And give up on Hermione," stated Remus in a low voice.
James sighed.
"Look, mate. Personally, I'd love to see you and Hermione get together. Really, I would. I don't think I've ever seen two people more in sync in my life. But if you don't make a move to try to find out then you're just wasting your time," said James. "Either you chance it and do something about it, or you need to move on. This isn't healthy."
Remus simply nodded. Maybe James was right. Maybe they were all right. Was he just being a coward and letting his assumptions and fear get the best of him? He had hoped that perhaps Hermione's odd behavior had been because she secretly returned his feelings like Sirius had suggested. Maybe that had only been wishful thinking. Perhaps Peter was right about her hiding something else.
There certainly was something she wasn't telling him, something that was making her behave so oddly sometimes. It was almost like she was being haunted, looking as though she were seeing ghosts when no one else could. She'd pull away both emotionally and physically at times when it made no sense then act like nothing happened. What could it possibly be that she wasn't telling him? She knew all of his dirty secrets at this point, ones that were life and death to him. If she were hiding something as well, it must have been really bad if she couldn't return the favor. A part of that frightened him. Wondering about it was enough to drive him mad with theories.
And then there was Claudia. He had known her for nearly six years now and he knew she was very kind and easy to get along with. A bit quiet, but thoughtful and smart. Not to mention that for some reason she liked him, even with the little interactions they'd had over the years. On paper it would make sense for him to want to ask her out. But she just wasn't Hermione.
"That wouldn't be fair to Claudia to ask her out if I liked someone else," said Remus. "She deserves better."
"Perhaps…" said James, pursing his lips. "Then just tell Hermione how you feel. If she doesn't return your feelings, then you can take the time to heal and move forward."
"Oh please," scoffed Sirius. "There would be nothing to move forward from! She clearly likes him!"
It was like being pulled in every direction and a ringing started in the back of Remus's head. He took another breath to calm himself.
"Sirius, maybe you should drop it," said Peter, sounding worried.
"No, I can't," said Sirius. He turned to Remus and leaned forward in his chair to look him right in the eye. "Swallow your bloody pride and do something about it if you like her that much."
"She doesn't like me, Sirius. It's over," muttered Remus, trying to unclench the fist that was forming.
"Nope," said Sirius. "I don't buy it."
"There's nothing to buy!"
"You really are blind, mate," said Sirius, shaking his head. "You don't even realize what she's been doing for you this whole time!"
Peter made a choking sound and Remus's head snapped to look at him. Peter quickly tried to make it sound like a cough.
"Sirius…" warned James.
Remus looked between them. James and Peter were sending warning looks towards Sirius but Sirius stayed focused directly on Remus, a sense of determination in his eyes.
"What do you mean?" asked Remus slowly, not having the best feeling about what was coming next.
"He means with all the notes and such," said James quickly.
Peter began nodding in agreement but Sirius was shaking his head even harder.
"Don't you think he deserves to know the truth?" he asked to James and Peter.
The two boys stayed silent, but Remus could see James trying to have a silent conversation with Sirius. They stared at each other, making weird expressions and sharp movements with their heads. Remus knew Sirius must have won the silent battle when James's eyes went wide and Sirius smirked impishly.
"Sirius, don't," said James firmly.
But Sirius ignored him and turned to stare back at Remus.
"Because if she didn't like you than why on earth has she been learning how to become an animagus so she can transform with you?"
"Sirius…" gasped James in disbelief, looking horrified.
Peter had covered his face with his hands and refused to look at any of them.
It took Remus a while to fully comprehend what Sirius had said. None of those words made any sense in the order in which he had said them. Remus went over them… over and over, letting it fully sink in.
Learning to become an animagus… Transform… with him? In the shack? On a full moon?
"She's doing WHAT?" breathed Remus.
His headache came back with so much force for a moment he was worried he may black out.
"Remus," said James abruptly. "Breathe, mate."
Breathe? How did James expect him to do something as normal as breathing in a moment like that?
"You have to get her to stop," gasped out Remus, clutching his head with balled up fists.
"It's too late," said Peter in a small voice. "She's on the last step."
"She's already heard the second heartbeat," confirmed Sirius.
Red spots filled his vision.
Remus threw the hospital blanket off himself and swung his legs over the side of the bed and staggered. Searing pain went through his head and back, but he ignored it as he stood up. Immediately he was surrounded by protests.
"What do you think you're doing, Remus?" demanded James, who was on his feet now too.
"Are you mad, get back in bed!" said Sirius, grabbing onto Remus's shoulder.
Remus shrugged Sirius off and grabbed his shoes from the floor.
"I need to talk to her," he seethed.
"Wait until morning at least!" piped up Peter. "You're still not yourself!"
"No," Remus said in such a low voice it almost sounded like a growl.
"What if she's already back in her dormitory?" said James, getting in front of him and putting his palm on Remus's chest to hold him back. "You won't be able to get in!"
Remus carefully lifted James's arm off him and let it drop as he maneuvered around him.
"She's not," said Remus firmly as he walked towards the door of the Hospital Wing. "I know exactly where she is."
.:~*~*~*~*~:.
The door of the Room of Requirement burst open. Standing in the threshold was Remus looking more livid than Hermione had ever seen him. Only one thing could have made him look that angry, and it meant that someone had opened their big mouth.
Remus strode through the room, his green eyes blazing. Hermione immediately closed her book and set it down on the coffee table before standing to face him.
"Remus, what are you doing out of hospital? You're still not well—"
He held a hand up. "Don't."
Hermione, who had just been about to step towards him, stopped in her tracks. Remus stood a few paces away, as if he didn't want to be any closer to her.
"Tell me it's not true," he breathed. His hands had turned into fists and were trembling slightly at his sides.
There was a fleeting feeling of panic as Hermione wondered if maybe he had found out more than just her trying to become an animagus, and she swallowed back the lump in her throat. As quickly as she could, Hermione thought back over the last few conversations they had had, but she couldn't come up with anything that would suggest he could have put together where she had truly come from.
"What's not true?" she asked, deciding to play it safe, but her response seemed to just further annoy Remus.
"Tell me… you aren't learning to become an animagus so you can be there in the shack…" he said icily, shaking his head in frustration. "Tell me that Sirius was making it up."
Hermione was going to murder Sirius Black.
"I-I can't tell you that…"
"Then don't take the potion. Don't complete the transformation," said Remus, his eyes pleading.
"I've come too far to not complete it," said Hermione. "I've worked too hard."
He let out a large groan and his hands went to his head as he gripped his hair and Hermione felt terrified that he would start pulling it out.
"Why, Hermione? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize how dangerous it is?" he demanded, his hands leaving his hair unscathed and instead became clenched in fists.
"Remus… you need to go back to hospital and rest…" Hermione said gently.
"This isn't about me right now, this is about you," he shot back. "Don't try to deflect. You don't know what you're getting yourself into by trying to do this!"
"Of course I know the risks," she defended, crossing her arms and staring back at him. "Do you think I'd jump into something like this without doing the proper research?"
"I don't think you do! So much could go wrong! You could get arrested! You could get seriously hurt! You could die!"
His eyes were wide and burning like a fire. Hermione knew that the symptoms from his transformation would affect him directly before and after the full moon, but she had never expected to see him so far away from his usual calm demeanor. But she couldn't show any hesitation, she had to show him she could handle his transformations.
"I've been studying it for months now, I think I know how the process works well enough to not hurt myself," she said carefully.
"It doesn't matter how much you've studied it, you could get killed!" he yelled.
"Do you think I won't be able to do it then?" Hermione demanded to know. Her own anger was rising now. How could he not trust her to do it properly?
"It's not safe to be around me! Animal or not!"
"Why don't you believe in me!"
Remus let out a loud groan.
"I feel like you are deliberately missing my point!" Remus shot back. "It has nothing to do with your magical abilities or learning how to transform! It has everything to do with me not being able to control mine when I do!"
This made her pause. So he wasn't scared she wouldn't be able to manage the transformation… he feared himself. But that was ludicrous; he had never seriously hurt anyone else before, why would she be any different?
"I can handle myself!" she said back.
"You may be able to handle yourself, but you won't be able to handle me!"
"And how could you possibly know that?" Hermione scoffed.
He stared at her in utter silence for a moment. His chest was heaving up and down with his anger and Hermione felt a similar sensation at his lack of faith in her.
"I need to show you something," he said suddenly, walking towards her.
"What?" faltered Hermione
"Let's go."
"What?" she repeated, her voice much higher than usual that time.
Remus took a hold of her hand and the feeling sent electricity through her body. Without responding to her, he began to lead her out of the Room of Requirement.
"You can't be serious," said Hermione with reproach. "We can't go anywhere at this time… We don't even have the map or the cloak with us…"
Remus ignored this as they passed through the door.
"Remus… it's after curfew! It's the middle of the night!" she hissed under her breath as he pulled her down the dark corridor and past snoring paintings.
"I don't... care…" he grumbled through gritted teeth as they reached the Grand Staircase.
"But we could get in trouble!" she squeaked. "You know Filch has been watching me!"
He ignored her again and they continued through the castle until they reached the Grounds. It was warm that night. The approaching summer breeze blew through her hair as they walked across the grass. Hermione tried hard not to trip in the dark, trying to keep up with Remus's intense pace as he pulled her along.
"Can you at least slow down? It's so dark…"
His head turned to look at her as he continued on, and when he saw her struggling, his face immediately softened, as did his pace. But he didn't stop, not until the Whomping Willow was in sight. It was silhouetted against the dark sky and Hermione could see black branches thrashing wildly through the air as they drew nearer.
Then, Remus released her hand and Hermione stumbled slightly on the hill leading to the tree. Remus must not have been completely angry with her because he quickly reached out and steadied her, helping her regain her footing in the grass. Their eyes met briefly and Hermione felt her breath hitch as she looked into his pained eyes, but Remus pulled his gaze away. Redirecting his attention back to the Whomping Willow, he took out his wand and pointed it at a small fallen branch that lay in the dark grass.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" he said harshly, and the branch began levitating. Remus flicked his wand until the branch shot at the tree, hitting the knot at the base of the trunk. His aim had been perfect, and if Hermione wasn't so frightened by his reaction, she would have been impressed at his spell work.
The Whomping Willow stood frozen in place as if it had turned to marble. Remus turned and took a hold of Hermione's hand again and began leading her to the tree, but this time much more gently. It wasn't until they reached the tunnel that Remus let go of her hand.
Traveling back through the tunnel was a surreal experience. Hermione slowly followed Remus and slithered down the small, dark tunnel until she reached the opening at the bottom. Remus now had his wand lit and reached out to take her hand again. The two of them silently walked, hunched over nearly double, down the long and seemingly endless passageway.
It was a relief when they finally entered the shack, and Remus led her up to the top floor. Just as it had been when she had first been there, the room was beyond damaged. There was broken furniture everywhere and the windows were all boarded up. Claw marks covered the wooden floors and tore streaks in the stained, peeling wallpaper. A layer of dust was on everything, but not nearly to the same extent as the abandoned shack had from her own time. In this time, it was still in use.
He released her hand one final time and walked to the edge of the room, leaving her standing alone in the center. Remus stood frozen near the far wall with his eyes closed and Hermione didn't dare speak.
"Did you know this shack is only six years old?" Remus finally said with a sigh, opening his eyes turning away from her. He ran his fingers across the papered walls, smoothing down a tear in it. "Only six, and it looks this way. It's boarded up and falling apart, meant to scare away the townspeople and visiting students. It was built at the same time as the Whomping Willow was planted, all because of my arrival at Hogwarts."
When she still didn't say anything, he continued, "Students try to break in on occasion, but of course there's no actual way in except the secret passageway. There's not even a door, and the windows are magically sealed, but sometimes I still fear someone will get in one day. And as much as it's meant to keep people out, it's also meant to keep me in."
"Remus," started Hermione, hesitantly. She stood awkwardly in the center of the room, a few paces from where he stood with his back to her. "Why did you bring me here?"
"To remind you of what I am."
"Remus…"
"Now you see the damage I can do."
"Remus, I don't mind!"
"Well, you should mind! Rational people would mind!" he said exasperatedly, turning to face her.
"Well…" Hermione said slowly, crossing her arms. "I guess I'm not very rational."
Remus closed his eyes and he took a deep breath.
"I don't deserve you, Hermione," he said slowly, still keeping his eyes shut.
"What?" was all she managed to say from the shock of his statement.
He opened his eyes and she could see them glossed over. "Your kindness… your acceptance…You risking trouble with the law for my sake… I don't know what I've done, or could ever do, to deserve it."
The drastic change in his mood worried her, and she took a step closer to him.
"Remus, you have to stop this," she said firmly, and her words seemed to surprise him because he just blinked back at her. "None of this is about deserving. Me, James, Sirius, Peter… you haven't had to earn us as friends. We aren't some prizes to be won. I don't know why you keep allowing yourself to have these punishing thoughts and this misplaced guilt thinking that we're all sacrificing something to be friends with you. Can't you see how much your friends love you? How much we want to be with you? To be there for you during the full moons? Do you ever stop to think that in other people's eyes maybe you could be the prize?"
He stared at her in silence before turning away again, and Hermione had a sneaking suspicious he was trying to hide his face as he stared down at the dirty shack's floor. Her own heart was pounding in her chest and she yearned to reach out for him, but with his mood effected by it being so soon after the transformation, she thought against it. She'd have to wait for him to initiate anything, if he even would.
"Regardless… You can't be here for the full moons," he said evenly, refusing to meet her gaze.
Anger surged through her body.
"And why not? I want to be there for you!"
"I don't want you to be here!" he shot back, turning to face her angrily.
Hermione took an involuntary step backwards, his words cutting her. Transformation effects or not, he had clearly meant what he said, and it hurt. She could feel the stinging sensation growing behind her eyes.
Remus seemed to notice this and he quickly looked up at the ceiling and groaned. His hands went up and he dragged them down his face miserably.
"God, Hermione. If you saw what I became… you'd run away and never come back," he said desperately.
"What makes you think I'd run away? The others haven't. They're still there with you every single full moon and have never run for the hills," said Hermione, her voice tight with emotion. "I'm not a coward."
"I don't only mean out of fear…" he said. "You'll have no choice but to look at me differently. It won't be the same once you see what I become. I'm a monster."
"How could you possibly think that, Remus?" she said, her throat suddenly feeling very hollow. "After everything that's happened this year, how could you think I could ever see you as monster?"
A part of her wished she could somehow tell him that she did know what he was like when he transformed. That she was able to handle it at the age of just fourteen so she certainly could handle it now. That even knowing what happened to him every month, she still saw him as the kindest, smartest, and best person she had ever met. A person she cared so deeply for. Too deeply for.
"You only say that because you haven't seen it!"
Hermione could have laughed if she weren't so upset.
"And the others? They've all seen it but they don't see you as a monster. You let them in! It's okay for them to learn how to become animagi and join the werewolf but not me?"
"It's different with them," he said through gritted teeth.
"Why? Because I'm a girl?" she challenged, raising her voice. Tears were forming in her eyes now, threatening to escape, but she willed them not to.
Remus took a single step back as if she had slapped him. "Is that what you think? That I don't think you should do it because you're a girl?" he exasperated. "Have I ever given you any reason to believe I thought less of you because of that? You're the most brilliant person I've ever known!"
"Oh really? If it has nothing to do with me being a girl than why isn't there an issue with James, Sirius, or Peter being there? They'd be in just as much danger as I would! But because they're boys you think they can handle it while I can't? If I'm so brilliant, then why don't you trust that I know what I'm doing?" Hermione yelled back, one of her tears winning the battle and streaming down her face, burning into her skin.
Remus stared at her, his eyes zeroing in on the tear making its way to her chin and Hermione used the sleeve of her jumper to quickly wipe it away. She didn't want to show any weakness, to let him win and have been right about her not being strong enough to handle being there.
"Please, Hermione," he whispered. His expression had gone soft and his shoulders fell as he stared at her with pleading eyes. He took a few steps toward her and grabbed ahold of her hands. His touch felt like fire and her heartrate immediately increased as she stared up into his burning green eyes. "Please, don't do this."
"Why?" was all she managed to whisper back to him, trying to keep her own breathing steady. "Just tell me why."
"If you were there… I would never be able to stop worrying that I'd hurt you. I don't want you to get hurt," he said softly, staring down at her hands in his. His thumb grazed over the back of one of her hands ever so gently and Hermione's stomach burst into flutters.
Hermione closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "That can't be it, you let James, Sirius, and Peter go with you instead of keeping them away in fear that they'll get hurt."
"Hermione," he said firmly, and she could feel him stepping even closer. "I don't want you to get hurt."
Her eyes opened and she suddenly realized how close he was standing to her. Close enough that she could feel his breath on her skin. There must have been less than a foot of distance between the two of them and Hermione's breathing immediately picked up its pace as she stared at his distraught face. The second heartbeat that she had felt occasionally since the other night was picking up speed as well.
The scent of the chocolate he had been eating just an hour ago was fresh on his breath as he breathed in and out deeply as his green eyes bore into her own. Even while angry and upset, he really was beautiful. Without thinking, her eyes trailed down to his lips, that were parted slightly, close enough that if she reached up onto her toes…
So close… too close…
Get ahold of yourself! she thought suddenly.
"I can take care of myself," she said, pulling her hands out of his and turning around to walk across the room, her head reeling.
She heard him groan again from behind her.
"It isn't about you not being able to take care of yourself, it's that I can't trust myself!"
"But you trust yourself with them!" she said, turning to face him again.
"This isn't about them!"
"Oh, so it is about me, then?"
He groaned again, louder and more annoyed than before. "Why are you being so stubborn!"
"Because you are!"
Remus was shaking his head and he laughed darkly.
"You know, for the brightest person I know, you can really be so oblivious…"
"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.
"How could you possibly not know by now?"
"Know what! I don't even know what you're talking about!"
Remus trembled slightly, looking as if he were about to explode.
"That it's because it's you, Hermione! I can't bear the thought of you ever seeing me like some monster, because I don't want to lose you!" he yelled.
Hermione swallowed and felt her entire body freeze.
"But what if for some reason you were fine with it like you said you are? What if you saw me become a monster and still saw me for me? I still can't chance ever hurting you! What if I lost control and lashed out one night?" he continued fervently. "You're the one I don't want caught in the crossfire. Anyone but you!"
The silence that followed was the loudest she ever experienced. Only the wind blowing against the shack could be heard throughout the room. That as well as the sound of both of their ragged breaths.
"Me?" she said disbelievingly, staring into his desperate eyes.
"Just imagining what could happen to you… If I hurt you, Hermione… God… I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It has nothing to do with your ability to learn to transform, or that you're a girl! It's… it's because… I-I… I lo-"
Pain overtook his voice as he cut himself off. His green eyes were wide and alert as they pleading with her.
That's when it clicked.
How he always took it the hardest whenever she tried to pull away.
Why he was so angry that she wanted to do this despite the dangers.
The way he was looking at her…
What was it he had been about to say?
Love?
Hermione's entire body felt like it had turned to jelly. She felt weightless, like she was slowly being dipped into a bottomless pool of water. She was drowning with the abundance of emotions that bombarded her in that very moment.
He was in love with her.
Remus stared at her with such a strength that it made her flush. It made her want to run to him. To wrap her arms around him and never let go. To hold him or kiss him or just be there with him and let him know everything would be okay.
But the look also seemed somewhat familiar, and she was instantly reminded of that look he had given her in the Department of Mysteries right before she fell through time. It was as if he were staring at her, desperately trying to figure something out. A stare so intense she thought it might kill her.
The memory resurfaced all the things she had to constantly remind herself of.
He would her professor one day.
He was nearly twenty years older than her in her time.
He deserved someone that he could spend his life with.
She still had to go back to where she belonged, which wasn't with him.
She had to go back… she had to go back…
And yet she wanted him in that moment so badly.
Remus's eyes were shining as he reached out with a trembling arm and placed his hand against her face. It suddenly it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room.
"You must know how… how I feel," he whispered earnestly.
Ever so gently, his thumb lightly stroked her cheek and Hermione felt like her body was beginning to melt. He held her gaze so firmly and she could see the uncertainty in his eyes. There was an innocent vulnerability to it as his eyes poured into her own. Remus hesitated ever so slightly before dipping down towards her.
Hermione's heart hammered faster than it ever had in her life as he neared.
Then she did something she wasn't sure she had the strength to do.
Hermione stepped backwards, out of his hold.
The room around them was frozen in that moment. Remus's arm lingered, suspended in the air where it had once touched her with such yearning. His green eyes flooded with confusion and then realization before settling into rejection.
Pain and shame resonated on Remus's face, and Hermione's heart felt like it was going to break as he quickly turned away from her, staggering towards the other side of the room. His hand went up to steady himself on an old and cracked frame of a broken four-poster bed and he bent his head over, breathing heavily.
"Remus…" she whispered, her voice cracking with the sob that was forming in the back of her throat.
He didn't turn back towards her, but instead held up a hand.
"I-I'm sorry, Hermione," he managed to choke out. "I'm so sorry. I never should have—"
All the strength she had just felt before seemed to have melted away and Hermione didn't bother trying to hold back the tears that were now freely streaming down her face.
"No, I'm sorry, Remus," she sobbed quietly.
And she was. More than he'd ever be able to know.
Merlin's beard, he loved her! Her own feelings might not have been as intense as his – she had only just even considered him with any kind of interest – but knowing that he viewed her in a similar fashion… that he felt something too… he wanted her too…
They would both leave that room brokenhearted that night.
"For so long I've wondered why you sometimes acted strange. Like you were hiding something," he spoke, still facing away from her "And when Sirius mentioned you trying to become an animagus for me, a part of me assumed…" His voice cracked and he cut himself off.
"Remus…"
"I-I need to go… I need to think…" he muttered, turning away from the bed and walking towards the door.
"Remus, wait!" called Hermione desperately, reaching out for him but he tore past her. "Please!"
He hesitated at the threshold and looked at her with tears staining his face.
"I just need some time," he whispered.
And then he was gone, leaving Hermione standing in the center of the room with nothing but the sound of her own sobs drowning out the wind blowing against the boarded-up shack.