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Chapter 36 – Muggle Music
Past, present, and future… they seemed to blend together, becoming nearly indistinguishable with every passing day. To Hermione, the word future had meant her own time; the future she was born into and lived in for nearly seventeen years. The future was what should have been her present. But lately she also thought about the future in the sense of her immediate future, there in the past. Now her future was most likely continuing from that very moment; the days that should have been long behind her were now in front.
Future…
Hermione was now slowly coming to terms with her changing definition of the word.
After seeing the badge, Hermione had excused herself and made her way back to her room. She had said she wanted to write to people to let them know, which wasn't necessarily a lie. Yes, she wanted to write to Dumbledore and demand answers, but more than anything she thought it would be best to be alone.
Hermione stared down at the blank piece of parchment that was resting against her knees as she sat on the window bench. There was an old copy of Witch Weekly behind it, propping it up so she could write her letter, but she could not string the right words together. What was she supposed to even say to Dumbledore? If Dumbledore was now making changes, would he allow her to as well? Could she follow Lily's lead and join the Order after graduation? Surely Dumbledore didn't expect her to just sit idly by and watch things unfold… And why was he being so cryptic with the badge and no further explanation? It was beyond frustrating! How many more times would he leave her in the dark and make decisions on her behalf? It was incessant!
Her new prefect badge rest on the bench beside her in all its glory, taunting her anytime her eyes drifted towards it. Setting her quill down, Hermione carefully picked up the badge as if it were a bomb ready to explode. She began turning it over and over again as if by chance it would magically become something else or maybe give her some sort of sign about what was yet to come. But no; it remained cold and ominous in the palm of her hand. Hermione set the badge back down and leaned her head back against the wall with a sigh.
The whole situation should have had her feeling distraught. She should have been up there in her bedroom crying her eyes out, but instead there was just a calm numbness. Her own reaction surprised her. There was what even felt like a slight feeling of relief. It was funny to think of it like that. Relief to be stuck in the past and never seen her friends and family again? Of course not. She didn't think she would ever stop yearning for her parents or Harry and Ron. But there was comfort in finally having some sort of answer about what was in store for her. It had been the unknown; the waiting that had been the hardest part. Now the hardest part would be knowing what was to come.
A loud thump came from the other side of her door, sounding like something heavy hitting the ground. Whatever it was vibrated through the floorboards as voices began talking in the corridor. James and Sirius had been completely silent since Hermione had excused herself to her room a few hours ago. That should have been the first sign that they were up to something.
Then came the sound of laughter and annoyance seared through Hermione. She set the magazine and parchment down on the bench beside her badge and stomped towards the door. All she had wanted was a little peace and quiet to be able to get enough thoughts together to write Dumbledore. But of course James and Sirius were up to their usual shenanigans…
Hermione grabbed the handle of her door and quickly swung it open, taking a step into the corridor.
"What on earth are you two up to now—" but her irritated comment was cut off as she walked straight into something outside her door.
"What the—" she grumbled, but then she focused on what she had walked into and her mouth fell open. "—Remus?"
Hermione had to blink away her bewilderment to make sure she was actually seeing it right. But there Remus was, standing tall in front of her with his sandy colored hair and green eyes. An apologetic express rest on his face as he looked down at her.
The sight of him sent a burst of joy through her and Hermione got onto her toes and flung herself into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She felt Remus's arms go around her waist and swallow her up as she clung to him, feeling the stress of her day slowly evaporate in his tight embrace. Any thought of Dumbledore or prefect badges had abandoned her mind as she just inhaled his familiar scent of chocolate and old books.
"What are you doing here?" Hermione demanded, feeling her cheeks begin to ache with how wide her smile was becoming.
Remus gently set her back onto her feet. It was then that Hermione noticed a small trunk hovering beside him and the door to the spare room across the hall was standing slightly ajar, as if he had just begun to open it.
"Come on, Wormtail, you can move faster than that! I still have to move some of my stuff!" said Sirius's voice. Hermione turned towards it, feeling her excitement begin to diminish at the sound of Peter's nickname.
In front of Sirius's door, Peter was crouched on the floor where his trunk lay open. It looked like it must have been dropped with the way everything had fallen out of it. Well, that explained the sound. Items of clothing and other personal belongings were sprawled around him and Peter and Sirius were tossing them back into the trunk.
"Hi," Peter said with a less than enthusiastic wave when he caught Hermione looking at them.
"Hello, Peter," Hermione nodded in acknowledgement.
Peter smiled faintly before returning to look at his trunk. He and Sirius had finally managed to get everything back in it and lifted it into Sirius's room. It was a relief not to have to talk to him further, and Hermione happily turned her attention back to Remus.
"Why didn't your letter earlier say you were coming!" she grinned, playfully hitting him in the arm. She looked back down at his hovering trunk. "Are you planning on staying for a while?"
"We're staying for the remainder of the holiday," smiled Remus. "Of course, there are days where I'm going to have to floo to work… but I took less shifts for the next two weeks."
He'd be there the remainder of the summer… Hermione's heart swelled at the thought and her grin widened.
"I can't believe you didn't say anything!"
"Only you can have surprises?" he teased with a smile.
"Ha ha…"
"We actually weren't supposed to get here until tomorrow, but apparently Euphemia was planning a bit of a party for both you and James because of the good news."
"A party?" Hermione asked.
"Just a dinner thing, really. At least that's what James told me when he showed up in my fireplace earlier and told me to come tonight instead…"
"James wanted to invite Evans but he's a chicken!" Sirius said cheerfully as he walked out of his room carrying his duvet with pillows stacked on top.
Hermione confusingly watched him disappear into James's room.
"Why is he moving his things into James's room?"
"James's room is bigger so he's going to stay with him and let Peter have his," explained Remus.
"Ah."
James's head popped out of his room and looked at the pair of them.
"He's lying. I would have invited Lily, but we can't be sure that she even is Head Girl. Maybe she could have dropped prefect. What if she was fired for some reason? I can't invite her to celebrate becoming a head student if she isn't even one! I'd look like a massive prat!"
"Really? You think Lily could have been fired?" asked Hermione, raising an eyebrow.
"Who knows! We haven't heard from her yet!"
"Yeah, that's totally it," laughed Sirius's voice from somewhere in James's room. "And you always look like a prat!"
A pillow smacked into the back of James's head and he stumbled across the corridor through Sirius's open door. A muffled yelp came from Peter, and Sirius ran after them with a gleam in his eyes.
"We should get out of the corridor before we're next," said Remus, his eyes sparkling with amusement.
Remus pushed the door to the spare room open all the way and levitated his trunk in. Hermione followed behind him and watched as he set the trunk down on the bed. She had never been in the spare bedroom before. It was smaller than hers, James's, and Sirius's by a considerable amount and felt a bit stuffy. Remus must have thought the same thing because he crossed the room and pushed open the window, letting in the summer breeze.
"I suppose congratulations are in order," he said with a grin when he turned back to face her, leaning back against the window frame. "I can't say I'm surprised. There's no one more deserving to take over for Lily."
Hermione flushed with pride at his compliment.
"It was just unexpected. I never thought I'd be a prefect again. I didn't even think it was a possibility."
"Well, I know you've missed it after being one at Beauxbatons, so I'm glad you'll have your chance again here. You'll be fantastic."
"Thank you, Remus."
Remus smiled at her.
"I am surprised I heard about it from James before you, though."
"I was just writing letters actually," said Hermione, gesturing behind her towards her door across the hall. "But I think James has also been using Archimedes since the Hogwarts letters arrived."
Remus let out a short laugh. "No need to explain, Hermione, it wasn't an accusation. I just found it funny since you're the one I write to the most."
"You'd have been the first person I'd have told anyway," said Hermione truthfully.
"Speaking of telling people things, are you finally going to tell me what your animagus form is?" asked Remus.
"Oh! Did you want to see now?" asked Hermione eagerly.
"Did someone say animagus?"
Sirius appeared at the open door and beamed in; James and Peter were right behind him.
"Were you guys just waiting out there listening?" asked Remus with a frown.
"No," said Sirius way too quickly.
"Well, I guess there's no better time than now," said Remus, grinning at Hermione.
Sirius, Peter, and James walked fully into the room. James closed the door behind him and nodded encouragingly to Hermione. She smiled at James and nodded back, before looking over at Remus.
"Ready?" asked Hermione.
"Whenever you are," said Remus, who was looking on intently along with Peter.
It took almost no effort that time to slip into her animagus form, and she was truly able to savor the expressions on both Remus and Peters face as she looked up and around the room.
"Whoa!" gasped Peter, jumping backwards.
"An otter!" said Remus, sounding in awe.
"She's quite the slippery little thing too," said Sirius. "She's quick."
"Perfect for the shack, wouldn't you say, Moony?" added James, looking at Remus expectantly.
Hermione trotted over towards the window where Remus was still leaning until she was at his feet. He smiled down at her looking wonderstruck before crouching down towards her.
"I wasn't sure what you'd be, but this is somehow perfect," said Remus, his voice rich with approval. "Much better than a snail."
His eyes scanned over her otter form, and he reached a hand towards her before seeming to think better than to touch her. It was a relief when his hand dropped, because Hermione had begun to feel self-conscious under his curious gaze.
"Your fur is the same color as your hair," Remus mused, mostly to himself. "And the fur around your ears curls too, just like yours does."
Neither James nor Sirius had mentioned that before. Hermione had been wondering what her marking might have been; it had been difficult for her to get a clear look at herself as an animagus. But Remus had noticed it right away.
Hermione took a few steps back and slowly turned back into herself, hoping her disheveled hair hid the blush that was certainly forming on her cheeks.
"Wow, well done getting back," said James approvingly. "Now, that was the fastest you've done it."
"Thank you, James," said Hermione, then looked back at Remus who was standing up straight again. "So…?"
Remus looked torn, and Hermione didn't have to ask why. But he forced a smile on his face and nodded. "You're right. You won't get crushed."
Hermione's heart soared.
"Excellent!" said Sirius, clapping his hands together. "Now that that's settled. Who's down for a swim out in the lake?"
"Me!" said Peter instantly, grinning widely.
"I'll race you there," challenged James.
Sirius, James, and Peter darted out the door, but Remus stayed and looked at Hermione.
"So… you approve?" asked Hermione hesitantly.
"I do," grinned Remus. "I'm proud of you."
Hermione's face began to grow warm and she smiled at the floor.
"Are you going to join us at the lake?" Remus asked.
Hermione shook her head. "I'd rather not be in that lake again."
Remus smiled at her sympathetically.
"I suppose you wouldn't. That was some adventure you three had that night…"
"Adventure is a fun way to put almost dying," said Hermione, pursing her lips.
Remus took a few steps towards her and put his hand on her shoulder.
"For the record, I'm glad you didn't," he said, sounding very serious. "And it worked! You already make a fantastic animagus."
"Thank you," Hermione said warmly with a smile
"I should go after the others, but I'll see you downstairs for dinner," he said, returning her smile.
Hermione followed him out into the corridor but then walked back into her own room. As she sat back down on the bench near the window to resume her letter, she could see three boys already in the water with one particularly sandy haired boy sprinting after them.
~o~
The dinner that both Euphemia and Fleamont had prepared in celebration could almost put a Hogwarts Feasts to shame. Almost. It was unbelievable how much they had managed to make in the hours since their Hogwarts letters had arrived. Throughout the entire meal, Euphemia and Fleamont were beaming as they spoke of how proud they were of James, and of course for Hermione as well. It was the first time that day that Hermione thought that maybe being a prefect again was actually a good thing.
After dinner, Remus disappeared upstairs, saying he had to get something. The rest of them followed Euphemia into the sitting room as she carried a tray of homemade cakes that she set down on the coffee table.
James, Sirius, and Peter took their cakes to the table in the back corner, where James pulled out a deck of Exploding Snap cards. Not wanting to have cards explode in her face, Hermione sat down in an armchair closer to the door.
Remus quickly returned, holding a flat brown square in his hands. As he held it out, Hermione saw what appeared to be a man in a bowtie printed on it. That's when she realized it was a record jacket.
"This is for both of you. It's a gift from my mum," Remus said to Euphemia and Fleamont, as he handed the vinyl to Euphemia. "It's a muggle musician that she's loved for the last decade or so and she thought you would too."
"Oh, you are too sweet," said Euphemia, looking down at the jacket fondly. She looked back up at Remus and pulled him into a hug, giving him a friendly kiss on his cheek. "Tell Hope I am very grateful. Give her love from us."
"I will," grinned Remus as Euphemia pulled away.
Euphemia crossed the room and started setting the vinyl into the record player as Fleamont lit a fire. The sound of an acoustic guitar soon filled the room, followed by the rich, deep voice of a pop singer that Hermione could not place. When Euphemia and Fleamont sat down in front of the fireplace, Hermione was glad she had chosen the armchair by the door to sit in. It would have felt odd to take up space on the sofa as they joined hands while listening to the record play.
Remus walked over to where she sat and leaned against the side of her chair, sitting slightly on the arm. Hermione looked up at him and raised an eyebrow as he leaned his elbow onto her shoulder.
"There's more chairs around the room, you know," she teased. But secretly she liked the feeling of him leaning against her and hoped he wouldn't go.
"Yes, but you're sitting all alone over here. I thought I'd give you some company."
Hermione felt her face begin to flush and she smiled to herself. She watched as Remus looked around the room with a fond gleam in his eye.
"I've always loved coming here. It's always good to be back with my friends," said Remus.
He then grinned down at her and nudged her with his elbow, causing Hermione to laugh.
"Does that mean you haven't made any new friends at work?"
"No, I'm the only one around our age," Remus said. "There are even times when I work by myself."
"That sounds like it can be lonely."
Remus shrugged indifferently.
"It's alright. A lot of days Claudia stops in to say hi."
It was as if someone had poured cold water down Hermione's spine at the mention of Claudia. She had nearly forgotten the girl had existed.
"Oh, is that right?" Hermione said, trying her hardest to sound casual.
"Yes, her mum owns a shop not too far from Flourish and Blotts and so she helps out there too when we're not in school," said Remus. "Sometimes we meet up on the days where our breaks overlap."
Remus had turned his attention to look at the fireplace across the room, but Hermione swore she saw his cheeks turn a slight pink. What did that mean?
"So does that mean you and her are…?"
She trailed off, not able to finish the question, but Remus seemed to understand what she had been trying to ask.
"I suppose we are," said Remus, sounding as if he wasn't entirely sure himself. "I don't know for sure, but it feels like we are. We haven't really talked about it yet."
"We'll be at Hogwarts again soon so I'm sure you can ask then," Hermione said quickly.
A short pain went through her chest at the thought; a pang of jealousy followed it shortly after. There had been a moment where Hermione had felt relieved that Remus could potentially have someone who could be with him. But now… now it just hurt.
Hermione slipped out from under Remus's elbow and quickly got to her feet, needing a distraction. Remus looked up at her, startled, but she forced a smile on her face.
"I'm going to make some tea; would you like some?"
"Oh- I think I'm alright for now," he answered with furrowed brows.
"Remus, come join the game!" she heard Peter call out as Hermione passed through the door.
Being alone in the kitchen was a gift; a moment of solitude to try to steady her mind. Being able to move around the kitchen with a goal in mind – even if it was just making a cup of tea – was just the distraction she needed. Grabbing a teacup, Hermione went over to the kettle and tapped her wand to it. Almost instantly, a blast of steam came from the spout.
Hermione knew she was being ridiculous. There was no reason for her to be so bothered by what she had previously hoped would happen between Remus and Claudia. She had no claim on him… She would have to get a hold of herself. There was no reason for her to make things weird anytime Remus brought Claudia up.
After pouring the water into her teacup, Hermione loosened her body and shook her head, trying to shake the unwarranted jealousy. She'd have to just focus on getting back before anyone got suspicious about why she had been gone too long. After all, how long did it take to heat up a cup of tea?
When her tea was completed, the heat from the mug and the warm spices of the tea settled both her head and her stomach. The familiarity of it always brought her a sense of calmness.
When Hermione arrived back to the sitting room with her teacup in hand, a new song had just started playing. It was so beautiful; with slow strings and low horns playing a soothing melody. There was something so romantic about it that her entire body relaxed. The sound of it made her pause at the threshold and lean against the doorframe just to listen.
Euphemia and Fleamont seemed to think the same as her. They were sitting close together in front of the fireplace, seeming to be completely absorbed in the music. Fleamont's hand was on top of Euphemia's and the two of them swayed in time to the music, looking at each other so tenderly. It was like they were alone in their own little world, oblivious to the five teenagers also in the room. A smile formed on Hermione's face as she watched them. She let the lyrics flow through her as she took another calming sip of tea.
"You're just too good to be true; Can't take my eyes off of you,
You'd be like heaven to touch; I wanna hold you so much."
Something about watching Euphemia and Fleamont touched Hermione, pulling at her heart. James always mentioned how much his parents loved each other, and Hermione felt privileged to be able to witness it firsthand. To be able to love someone so deeply and be together for so long… Hermione couldn't imagine being so lucky.
Her eyes drifted towards the back of the room to where the boys were playing Exploding Snap. Remus had joined them and Hermione's eyes settled on him. It didn't seem like any of them were paying much attention to the music, but there was a faint smile on Remus's face as his foot tapped in time to the beat as they played. The sight of him made Hermione's heart feel like it was being pulled as she continued to listen to the song.
"At long last love has arrived; And I thank God I'm alive,
You're just too good to be true; Can't take my eyes off of you,"
And Hermione couldn't take her eyes off of Remus. Only moments ago he had been sitting with his arm against hers, and she suddenly yearned for that pressure again. For him to be near again. She did want to hold him. She could picture what it would be like if she and Remus were in Euphemia and Fleamont's position.
The desire was shockingly powerful, and Hermione pushed herself off of the doorframe and straightened up. The movement must have announced her presence because Remus looked over and caught her eye. A small, crooked, smile formed on his face and Hermione suddenly felt an intense pressure in her chest. It came on so strongly that Hermione forced herself to inhale deeply; just to make sure she still could.
"Pardon the way that I stare; There's nothing else to compare,
The sight of you leaves me weak; There are no words left to speak,"
Her mouth felt dry as certain priorities slowly began to shift. Did her crumbling will make her weak? All day Hermione had worried about what the future would hold if she had to start a life there. Dumbledore had made it clear about making sure she could take exams, graduate Hogwarts; somehow assimilate into this version of the world. She had hoped it would include her helping with the war. But wasn't there also more to life than that? Having someone to build that life with? To spend one with? A house to call her own, marriage, a family… love? A love like Euphemia and Fleamont; still in love after decades of being together? It had never been a main concern, but Hermione wanted that. She wanted—
"But if you feel like I feel; Please let me know that it's real,
You're just too good to be true; Can't take my eyes off of you."
Her eyes had still not left Remus, and her stomach erupted into butterflies. The sensation was so strong that for a moment she felt like she could be sick. It was like she was finally seeing him in an entirely new light. Remus had already looked back down at the cards, but even though she could no longer see his eyes, he did not leave her mind.
It was too much.
Hermione was out the door before the chorus had even started. Quietly slipping back into the corridor, Hermione made her way towards the door at the back of the house.
At long last love has arrived…
The lyric replayed in her head as she shoved the back door open and stepped out into the back garden. The warm night air felt invigorating when she stepped outside. The sky was no longer clear like it had been earlier that day when the boys had swam in the lake. Thin dark clouds now stretched out across the sky, obscuring the moon but leaving small gaps where the stars brilliantly shone down on her.
Love.
Her breath was coming unnaturally fast and only increased with each step. Hermione walked across the dark grass until she found herself at the secluded swing set under the old willow tree. She sat on the wooden seat, facing out towards the lake before setting her teacup down in the grass beside her. Her trembling hands felt clammy, and she quickly rubbed them on her jeans. When they seemed dry enough, Hermione took hold of the ropes on either side of her, letting out a shuddered breath.
Perhaps she should have gone back upstairs; back to trying to find the right thing to put in a letter to Dumbledore. There were still so many questions about the future she had to ask. It was probably the most responsible thing to do, but instead, now when she thought about the future, Hermione only thought of Remus. Maybe it was selfish, but her entire mind and body was entirely consumed by the idea of him.
It made her imagine the future Remus; the one she knew from her own timeline. Professor Lupin. The shabby, down on his luck werewolf who had been the best Defense Against the Dark Arts professor they had had during her five years at Hogwarts. He had always been such a quiet, but strong presence. Calm and kind despite having every reason not to be. Greying prematurely and scarred from his stressful life. Someone who had spent so many years wandering and being all alone.
He didn't deserve to be alone.
He didn't have to be alone.
Then visions of the current Remus Lupin began floating around her mind. The tall, sandy haired teenager who was quiet but still managed to be ridiculously funny. Intelligent and passionate. The boy who smiled through his pain, constantly worrying about everyone else before himself. The one who was her best friend. Her best friend who she was undoubtedly in love with.
And he had loved her as well.
It was that thought that hurt the most. Only a few months had passed since that night in the shack. That night where he had let his true feelings be known. He had been more observant than she had hoped, guessing that she had reciprocated his feelings while also implying that he felt she had a secret. Hermione wondered if those feelings had changed.
Her grip tightened on the swing's ropes as Hermione squeezed her eyes shut. She had meant to let out a long breath to try to calm herself, but a small laugh came out instead.
Of course, now that she could finally admit that she loved him and that there was a possibility of a future there, Remus was seeing someone. Someone she of all people had told him to ask out! Ha! Of course! At this point what else did she expect? For something to actually go in a way that didn't end with her either ruining the timeline or getting hurt? Ha!
Her entire body shook from a laughter that just wouldn't stop. But the frenzied laughter was better than tears, no? It was all so ridiculous that Hermione wasn't too sure anymore. Everything felt like wasted time now. She should have kissed Remus in the shack when she had the chance.
"Hermione?" called out a voice from somewhere near the house.
Hermione nearly jumped off of the seat of the swing in surprise. Her sardonic laughter disappeared and she twisted on the swing to look back at the house. Through the darkness she could see Remus walking down the slope towards her.
Of course he was. It almost made her start laughing again.
"There you are," he said with a smile when he reached the swings. "I was wondering where you went. I checked the kitchen and then your room but couldn't find you."
He sat down on the swing next to her. His eyes glanced down at the teacup she had left in the grass and he carefully avoided it. Hermione waited for him to question in, but he never did.
"Is everything alright?" he asked, swaying slightly on the swing.
"I just wanted some fresh air."
By the look in his eye, Hermione didn't think he believed her, but he didn't say it.
"You disappeared right before Sirius asked who was singing on the record. You should have seen the look on his face when I said it was someone called Engelbert Humperdinck," said Remus, with a smrirk. It was a clear attempt to lighten the mood, and it somehow worked.
Hermione cracked a smile at him.
"He always has something to say, doesn't he?"
"That he does," said Remus with a laugh. "What did you think of the music?"
"Oh, it was beautiful. Your mum has good taste."
Remus smiled softly.
"Yes, it is nice, isn't it? I'm not as familiar with muggle music, but I've been trying to listen to more with her."
"Just out of curiosity?" asked Hermione.
"That, and that I think the things people like can tell you a lot about a person. Especially things like music and literature."
Remus shifted on the swing's seat to angle himself towards her and smiled crookedly, making Hermione's heart flutter.
"Like how she inspired you to read Romeo and Juliet," Hermione remembered, feeling her chest tighten at the memory. "Forbidden lovers."
As soon she said it, Hermione wished she hadn't. She wasn't even sure what brought her to say it out loud, or at least loud enough for anyone but herself to hear. Remus's smile faltered for a moment and Hermione quickly cleared her throat.
"And what does Engelbert Humperdinck tell you?" she asked quickly, trying to bring the subject back around.
"Oh," started Remus, seeming to recover from her statement. "That some muggles pick ridiculous stage names?"
"True," Hermione said with a laugh. "But seriously. Do you think you've learned anything from muggle music?"
Remus seemed to ponder for a moment before saying, "Yes. I've learned that I didn't know as much as I thought I did."
Hermione looked at his questioningly and Remus continued, "There was a time I embarrassingly mistook a band that Lily had mentioned for a bug. My mum thought that story was hilarious," he smiled to himself and shook his head. "But it got me thinking that I wanted to better understand my friends like you and Lily and the world you grew up in. The world my mum grew up in. So, I've been trying to listen to more muggle music."
"Then you should give Pink Floyd a listen," said Hermione. "Lily loves them."
"Noted," grinned Remus. Another moment passed before Remus sighed lightly. "So are you going to tell me what's really bothering you?"
"Why do you think something is bothering me?" Hermione blinked.
"Because when something is, you like to find a place to hide away."
She hadn't realized that had become a pattern, and a small frown formed on her face.
"I suppose I do," Hermione admitted in a low voice, although she didn't particularly think this time around constituted as hiding.
"So… what's on your mind?" asked Remus.
Hermione paused, trying to think of what she could say. All the emotions and uncertainties from the day had her feeling exhausted, leaving her without the strength to come up with a lie.
"The shack," she said.
Remus flinched.
"The shack?" he asked, looking as though he thought he might have misheard her. His face went through an array of different emotions before settling into confusion.
Hermione nodded.
"Are- are you nervous to join us as an animagus? Because you can always change your mind," Remus said. "I would never hold that against you."
"No, that's not it," said Hermione with a shake of her head. "I was thinking about the time you brought me there a few months ago. The night we had been fighting."
A distant look crossed through Remus's eyes, and Hermione wondered what he was thinking about. She felt a twinge of guilt at the thought of him potentially reliving the rejection again. The rejection she was now internally kicking herself for giving.
"Why's that?" he asked with his voice cracking on the last word. He seemed nervous with the way his shoulders seemed to tense, and Hermione noticed his grip tighten on his swing's ropes.
"I was just remembering how you said that you thought I was hiding something."
The color returned to Remus's knuckles and his body relaxed. It must have been a relief to him that she hadn't brought up what also had almost happened between them. It would have been cruel to bring it up right after he told her he had a girlfriend—or whatever they currently were.
"Don't worry about that… I-I was just emotional," he said shaking his head. His eyes dropped as he looked down to the ground. "I know now it was just the animagus potion and not that you had some big secret."
"But what if you were right?"
It shocked her how easily the words had come out without any second thought. How easy it was to just tell Remus things without wondering about the consequences. She probably shouldn't have said it, but how long would she be able to pretend like everything was normal was the opposite was true? How so many things were still unexplainable?
Remus turned to look back at her, his eyes going wide.
"What?"
"What would it mean if I did?" Hermione asked in a quiet voice.
Slowly, he gave one very small nod to himself, as if he couldn't believe she had said it either. It hadn't been a confession, but it was the first time Hermione hadn't tried to deflect her odd behavior. Her heart hammered as she anticipated his reaction.
"It would mean that you're holding a burden you think you have to bear alone," Remus eventually said.
There was a growing thickness in her throat as Remus stared at her so softly with his green eyes dark under the night sky. There was a gentle seriousness about the way he looked at her now that finally brought up all the emotions she had not been able to feel all day.
Hermione broke the eye contact, trying to focus on anything other than Remus as she felt the familiar stinging sensation begin to build behind her eyes. She had held back her tears all day, she certainly was not willing to let them escape now.
"I know more than anyone what it's like to keep a secret hidden inside," she heard Remus say when she didn't respond.
His words twisted at her stomach and she continued to avoid his gaze.
"Hey," said Remus, more firmly now.
There was an unexpected shift of movement and Hermione let out a surprised gasp as her swing suddenly spun in place. It ended as quickly as it started, and her swing wobbled from the abrupt stop. Remus had grasped onto the rope closest to him, rotating her so she faced him. Hermione pressed her feet into the grass so she wouldn't fall. But Remus held the swing so it remained steady, looking at her intently in a fashion that made Hermione's breath hitch.
"Whatever it is, Hermione, you can tell me," he said with a sense of urgency. His face was set in determination. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Remus, you have no idea how much I wish I could tell you everything… but I can't. Not yet," she whispered as she looked down at the ground.
"Why not?"
It wasn't a demand. There was no bitterness or annoyance in his question at all, but genuine curiosity. Maybe even a touch of pity and worry. Once again, offering her more kindness than she probably deserved. If anything, his tone had been so gentle, and she desperately wanted to look at him. To really look at him. But she knew if she did then her own feelings would most likely betray her. Just the thought of it made her heart pick up its pace.
"There are some secrets that are not entirely mine to share," she said softly.
It was quiet for a moment. Remus let go of her swing but Hermione kept her feet planted so she stayed facing him. The only sound came from the light breeze rustling through the trees around them and the occasional creak of the old swing set.
"I think I understand," Remus said slowly.
It took everything Hermione had not to laugh again at the statement. He couldn't possibly even begin to understand. She barely understood.
"If I could tell anyone it would be you. You have no idea how badly I've wanted to tell you everything for so long now. It's just… the circumstances… it's not safe."
"What do you mean by not safe?" Remus asked. His voice had a heightened sense of worry in it now.
"It's just, there are these things I've been told, these secrets that I know that I shouldn't. And if the things I know were to get out… or that people knew that I knew them…" Hermione trailed off before she said too much. Maybe she already did, but it was too late to worry about that now.
"Are you in danger?" asked Remus, sounding alert again.
"No, it's not like that," she assured quickly, and she watched Remus's posture relax from the corner of her eyes.
"Then what is it like?"
"It's something that I need a bit more time to figure out," she answered truthfully. Her mind slipped back to Dumbledore and more than ever she wished she could speak to him. There was only a little more than two weeks until she was back at Hogwarts with him…
Hermione turned to look back at him wearily, and Remus just nodded.
"What brought all this on?"
"The prefect badge," admitted Hermione.
Remus seemed to have not expected that answer, and he looked at her with confusion.
"The prefect badge?"
"It was just so unexpected," moaned Hermione miserably. "And if I'm being honest, I wasn't entirely sure I would even be going to go back to Hogwarts with all of you for seventh year. Getting that badge just made everything feel so… real."
"What?" asked Remus, sounding aghast at the very thought. "Not go back to Hogwarts? Why not?"
Hermione shook her head. "That doesn't matter now. Things are changing. But getting that badge earlier… it just made me rethink a lot of things."
"And that's included in the things you can't tell me yet?"
Hermione nodded somberly.
"Will you tell me one day?" Remus asked hesitantly.
"I promise you, Remus. One day you'll know everything."
It wasn't a lie because Hermione knew that Remus would have to know all about it one day. Even if there was a slim chance Dumbledore did think it was safe for her to tell her friends where she was from – maybe even allow her to make changes – Remus would find out regardless of if she told him or not. They had crossed paths in more than one lifetime. After all, on the first of September in 1993 he was going to wake up in a train compartment that her thirteen-year-old self was sitting in. That was certain to raise some suspicion.
But then there was still that small chance – that very small chance it seemed now – that if she were sent back to her own time, that Remus would have to find out that way. He had been the last person to see her before she fell through time in the Department of Mysteries. Hermione wondered what he would think in 1996 when he realized where she had disappeared to, and what he'd say if she ever did come back.
"And in the meantime?" Remus asked, bringing her attention back to that moment.
"In the meantime, if there's anything that's safe to tell you, then I want to. I just need to figure that part out."
"But you aren't in some kind of trouble, right?"
Hermione just shook her head.
"Good, I'm glad," said Remus, looking slightly relieved. But curiosity was still burning in his eyes. "And when there's a time you can tell someone, I'll always be there for you."
"Thank you," Hermione said earnestly.
Remus smiled at her.
"Will you tell the others?" Hermione asked hesitantly.
Remus looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly shaking his head.
"Some secrets aren't mine to tell."
The way he repeated her words back to her it feel like someone had gripped her heart.
"You- you don't mind? That I've been hiding something this entire time?" she asked weakly, having a difficult time believing that he wasn't furious with her.
"It does explain a lot… But coming from you there must be a good reason," said Remus. "And one day I hope you can tell me. But today… I trust you."
He trusted her…
It felt like a weight had been lifted. Not in its entirety, but she had been spared some of the load. A burden she now didn't have to share completely alone anymore. Her heart soared with affection.
"You aren't a werewolf, are you?" asked Remus, raising an eyebrow at her.
It took her by so much surprise that Hermione couldn't help the laugh that burst out of her. A real laugh, not like the wild one masking her self-misery from earlier. One only Remus could have brought out of her given the circumstance. Hermione didn't think her heart could ache for him anymore that it already was, but he just proved her wrong.
What would he do if she just said it right then and there? That she loved him? After all, she had already told him other things he wasn't supposed to know. What was one more thing? Would his feelings have changed so much in two and a half months?
But there was Claudia now. Remus had finally begun to move on with her. Hermione wondered if the closure he had wanted had truly been enough. It was not something she really wanted to think about, not unless she wanted to cause herself more pain.
Hermione thought back to that day in Diagon Alley when she had seen the two of them through the shop window. The discovery of her own feelings had come as such a shock, and she had pushed them away. That stupid little crush… not truly love. She never could have allowed herself to feel that. At least not back then.
"Remus?" Hermione asked tentatively.
"Yes?"
"You do know how much you mean to me, right?" Hermione said, feeling the tightness return to her chest.
Remus's eyes softened.
"Of course. And you to me. You're one of my best friends."
A small smile formed on her lips.
"Thank you for coming out here with me."
"We had said no more running, right?"
"No more running," repeated Hermione, feeling as if the phrase finally held a different meaning.
Hermione stared back up, watching the dark clouds slowly move across the night sky. The moon was finally freed from the clouds' grasp, and light sparkled across the surface of the lake. She wasn't sure how long it would last before the clouds came to claim it again, so Hermione just savored the view. Before that moment, with Remus sitting on the swing beside her, Hermione had never thought the moon had ever looked so beautiful.
A/N: Disclaimer: The song playing in the Potter's sitting room is "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" – Engelbert Humperdinck. I obviously do not own the rights for the song, please don't sue me! It's a cover of Frankie Valli's song, so credits go to the both of them as well as the writers Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio! The album Remus gives Euphemia is Engelbert Humperdinck's "A Man Without Love" (1968).
Fun fact: I outlined this chapter many years ago as one of the first ideas I had. From the beginning I knew I wanted to use Frankie Valli's "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" but over many many many rewrites I had changed the song multiple times trying to test what worked best. I actually had two different versions completely written using two different songs as well. (The version I had planned on uploading last week still had one of those other songs in it.) Nothing felt right and I ended up changing the song a few days ago back to this one but with the Engelbert Humperdinck version and his record instead because it felt like it made more sense. That's why this ended up being posted a tad bit later than I expected. I'm glad though because it's one of my favorite songs!