TW: Suicide
-Five Years Later-
(Vincent's Pov)
I was currently trying to read the documents on my computer but I rubbed my eyes and tried to get them to focus but again that wasn't working and I sighed as I get up and head out the room. I go into the living room and take a seat next to Clementine as she and the girls were looking as some books and I see Hazel trying to teach Pat how to read.
"Where is Minerva?" I asked.
"Oh she went to go visit her dad for a bit, nothing bad." Clem tells me and I nod a bit at this and I look to Ester and Patricia.
"They excited for pre-school?" I asked and they look to me and nod.
"Yea School." Pat says and I smiled at this and patted her head gently and look to Hazel.
"Excited for Sophomore year?" I asked Hazel.
"A little… high school just… isn't my thing." He says and I look to him.
"Nothing bad it's just boring is all." He says.
"Well, what about baseball practice?" I asked.
"Oh yea, we're going to win this season, Autumn even planned on heading to Javiers batting cages to get a few swings in today." He says and I look to him.
"How are you two not a thing yet?" Clem asked and I chuckled as Hazel turns red.
"Mooom." He groans and I chuckled.
"I'm joking Hazel; besides you can't date till college." She says.
"You and dad dated when you were in high school." Hazel argued.
"Ok… senior year." She says and I laughed some more.
"No, dating." Ester says and points to Hazel.
"No, dating." Patricia repeated and I look to Hazel as he goes and picks them up and the girls laughed as he walked around the room with them under his arms.
"Same goes for you two." Hazel tells them.
"YEAY!" The twins yell and waved their hands at this and I laugh more.
"Oh god you guys are adorable." I say and Hazel plops both the girls on the couch next to me and they laughed as they bounced a bit and grabbed them as they laughed and tried to get out of my grip.
"Alright settle down now." I say.
"SET DOWN!" The twins yelled and I hold them to me.
"So how was work?" Clem asked and the twins get out of my grip and they chant work over and over and I shake my head a bit and looked to Clementine.
"I think I need to get glasses." I tell her.
"I told you last week when you had to bring one of your grandma's recipes up to your face to try and read it." She says and I groaned.
"I don't need glasses." I say and then one of the twins comes up with some sunglasses and put them next to Clementine and they point to me.
"Glasses?" Ester asked.
"No daddy doesn't need glasses." I tell her.
"Don't lie to her." Clem says and I lean my head back a bit.
"Daddy glasses." She tells me and pats the glasses on the couch and I look to her then to Clem.
"We can set up an appointment, it's not that bad." She tells me.
"Yea dad, I wear glasses sometimes." Hazel says.
"Reading glasses and glasses needed to just see are two different things… but… fine." I tell them.
"Daddy glasses." Patricia says and I look to her.
"Yes, daddy is going to get glasses." I tell them.
"Mama glasses?" Ester asked.
"No mama isn't getting glasses." I tell them.
"Haz glasses?" They asked again and I smiled. Haz was their name for Hazel, they kept it up for so long it's going to be weird if they start saying his full name.
"No Haz isn't getting glasses either, just daddy." I tell them and they nod and get off the couch and go over to Hazel. As they grab a book for their brother to read to them I look to Clementine as she watches them.
"Well, we will get the appointment set up." Clem tells me and I nod at this and lay my head back on the couch.
"Hey Jane and Molly are going to come visit." Clem tells me and I open my eyes and look to her.
"They are?" I asked and she nods.
"They want to see the twins and Hazel, since they haven't been around a lot." She tells me and I nod at this.
"Alright, I'll get the guest room ready for them." I say and get up but Ester pats my leg and I look to her as she points to the couch and I chuckled and sat back down.
"I'm checking daddy's eye." They say as they look at my eye and I laughed as did Clem.
"Oh, are you now?" Clem asked and I turn my head but ester tries to make me face her again so I turn back to her.
"Yea, but daddy needs to stop." She says and pats my face and I chuckled.
"Glasses." Is all she says and I nod.
"Ok you heard the doc, you need glasses." Clem tells me and I chuckled again.
"Ok, ok I get it, I need glasses." I say and they nod at this and I pick up Ester and they giggled.
"Alright, let's make some sandwiches." I say.
"Don't make too many, I have a nice dinner planned." Clem tells us and I nod and Patricia and Hazel follow me to the kitchen.
"Alright, what do you want?" I asked.
"CHOCOLATE SANDWICHES!" The twins yell and I laughed.
"No, no those are for after dinner, how about ham and turkey?" I asked as I look to see Hazel grabbing the chocolate and he slowly put it back and I smiled and looked to the twins.
"CHOCOLATE!" Ester yells.
"SANDWICHES!" Patricia yelled.
"Mama Clem, I need your help." I say and she laughed and looked over to us.
"You should have never made it for them." She tells me.
"Hey I wanted to try it too, but no those are for after dinner." I tell the twins and they start marching around as if they were on strike.
"I will not give into their demands." I say.
"I think you should, last time you didn't give them jello and they went on strike for hours." Hazel says.
"They need to learn they can't have dessert before dinner." I tell him and he laughed.
"These are your kids you're talking about, and Mama Clem's." He says and I look at him.
"We're both hard headed." Clem says as we watched the twins marching around and I think for a bit and snap my fingers.
"How about this, you eat a ham or turkey sandwich and I'll help you bake great grandma's cookies." I offered and they stopped looked to me a bit then huddled and whispered in their own little language. I crossed my arms a bit and leaned on the table as they took a look at me then back to their little huddle. When done they both looked to me and I raised my brow to them.
"The triple chocolate ones?" Patricia asked and I nod and they both looked to each other and then they look to me and both nod.
"Alright, we have come to an agreement then." I say and we work on their sandwiches.
"Not giving in hu?" Clem whispers to me and I look to her.
"Only just a compromise my dear wife, not giving in." I tell her.
"Fair enough." She says and kisses my cheek and I look to her and kissed her on the lips.
"Ewww." All three kids says and I crossed my arms a bit at them.
"Mama wanted kisses." I tell them.
"Ewww." They say again and Hazel was laughing at this and I roll my eyes a bit and hand them their food.
"Well seems like you can't have any more kisses Clem." I say to her.
"Nooo I love my kisses." She says and we laughed a little and I kissed her cheek and the girls giggle at this and I look at them then back to Clementine who was looking at all the kids. I hold her to me and she looked to me and I smile a bit.
"So, what's for dinner?" I asked.
"Homemade Pasta, I got the sauce already made up and ready, and the pasta too, just need to cook it." She says.
"I could have helped-."
"You are ok, you were busy." She says and I kissed her head.
"Hey Mama Clem, are you going to be teaching T-Ball again?" Hazel asked.
"I should, I have to check with the college team." She says.
"I still think they should make you the coach." I mutter and she gently hits my shoulder.
"Hey, they've been their longer than I have, give it time." She tells me and I nod at this.
"Maybe you could coach the high school team." Hazel suggests.
"You just want to brag that your mom is the coach, right?" I asked and Clem smirked.
"No, I just think it would be cool." He says and I chuckled.
"Sure, any-."
"MAMA MINNIE HOME!" Ester yells as she runs from the table.
"Hey hold on-."
"Oh, let them have fun." Clem tells me and I sighed as Patricia followed her sister as I hear the door close. We all head over to see Minerva setting her bag on the ground and hugging the twins.
"Hey little sluggers, were you good to daddy and mommy?" She asked and they nod as she lets them go.
"Yea, daddy glasses." Patricia says and Ester nods.
"I check." She says and I chuckled and looked to Minerva a bit.
"Yea, I think I might need them, my eyes just… eh." I mutter and she nods.
"I mean I did you squint a lot trying to read the book to the girls a few night ago." She says and I sighed.
"Story time?" Patricia asked.
"No sweetie, not yet, after dinner and cookies." I tell her.
"Cookies?" Minerva asked.
"Yea, I had to compromise with these little strikers." I tell her.
"What did they want this time?" She asked.
"They wanted chocolate sandwiches for lunch." Hazel tells her and she laughed.
"I knew it was a bad idea to let them try it." She says.
"Right? But Vincent wants to spoil them." Clem says as she hits her shoulder against mine.
"You said it yourself, they are hard headed like you and I." I tell her.
"So, you gave into their demands." Minerva says as she looked to us.
"I did not, just compromised." I tell her.
"Yea, you gave in." She says and I roll my eyes.
"No if I gave in, they would have had their sandwiches, but they didn't." I say and they looked to me.
"No, they got something better." Clem says and I think about it.
"You're right… sneaky little." I say and look to them as they giggled and I smirk at them. We all then sat down and had a nice meal, we would do our highs and lows for the day and then all the kids went to bed and then Minerva, and then Clem after she gives me a kiss on the head.
-1 Year Later-
I don't know what possessed me to do this but I wrote a note at my desk. I thought about what I should say and I would write it down here and there. I look to a photo of Hazel, Pat, Ester, Clem and I. I wiped my eyes of any tears and I think about Louis and the others as I write my note. I just wanted them to know none of this was their fault. I just want to make sure I cover any corners and I clear my throat as I set the note in an envelope and seal it. I get up from my desk and walked out my office and I look to see Clementine as she was helping the twins with breakfast and I go up and help her. They tell me how excited they are for school and I would nod and Hazel came down and ran up to the table and grabbed some juice.
"Running late again?" I asked and he nods to me.
"Talked to Autumn all night, sorry." He says and I shake my head a bit and chuckled as he hurried gave the twins a kiss on the head and grabbed the keys to his car and he ran out the house. Not saying his usual I love you's, but he stopped doing that over six months ago. But it was ok. I drink my coffee and the twins talked in their little secret language and Clem grabbed her keys and I look to her as she gives the twins each a kiss on the heads.
"Now don't make them late, you're picking them up today as well." She says and I nod as she also heads out to go to work. I look to the twins and smiled and we got everything ready and I take them to the car and drove them to school. when I bring them in, they run to their friends. Not giving me their usual hug goodbye. This was ok too. I head out and go back to the house and I call in work telling them I wasn't coming in today. I go back into my office and I lock the door. I look back to the photo and I take a breath and then look over to the side of my desk to see a rifle. I was going to take Hazel hunting, they said they wanted to have a father son bonding moment. I feel terrible that we never will as I grabbed the gun and looked to it. I shut my eyes real tight and say a little prayer, hoping I could be forgiven for what I'm about to do. I take a deep breath and place my finger by the trigger as I leaned forward. I take one more deep breath as I pull the trigger.
(Hazel's Pov)
I was driving home from school since today was a half day, that is until I get a call on my phone and I look to see it was Mama Clem.
"Hey Mama, what's up?" I asked.
"Are you headed to the house?" She asked.
"Yea actually about to pull in why?" I asked.
"I was going to see if you could get the twins, your dad didn't pick them up, but I'll call Minerva." She says.
"That's… strange don't you think?" I asked.
"He probably got caught up at work, it's fine he might have gotten a big order from your grandparents." She says an I nod frowned a bit because dads' car was still here.
"You sure he went to work?" I asked as I get out the car and look to my dad's.
"Well yea he has that big order from your grandparents… why?" She asked.
"His car is here." I say and I walk in the house expecting to see him in the living room or somewhere.
"That's odd." She says and I nod.
"I don't see him." I say as I look in the back yard but still I didn't see him and I scratch my head a bit.
"Maybe he's in bed? he has been working a lot, maybe he took off early?" She asked and I go to check their room but he wasn't there. I finally go and check his office but it was locked so I knock on the door.
"Dad open up." I say but nothing.
"Hey mom I'm going to call you back." I say and hang up the phone before she said anything and I knock on the door again.
"Come on dad, you didn't get the twins." I say but still nothing and I bang on the door this time.
"DAD COME ON!" I yelled but nothing. I was starting to get worried so I grabbed the door handle and banged my shoulder against it. I was able to get the door opened by busting it and I see my dad hunched over with the rifle to his gut.
"DAD!" I yelled and hurried over to him. I lay him on the ground and put my head to his so I can hear if he was breathing and I quickly dial 911.
"Hello 911." I hear.
"AMBULANCE, I NEED." I was freaking out as the operator told me what to do. It wasn't long till I heard the ambulance but I still tried to wake my dad up. This couldn't be happening, none of this can be happening and the paramedics moved me away and I look to see I was covered in blood. The first thing that came to my mind was to call Mama Clem so I go to the side to give them some room and I call her.
"Hey Haz what's going on?" She asked. I couldn't speak as I moved away from the room and I could hear Clem worry.
"Haz what's wrong? Are you ok?" She asked and I breathed a bit.
"Papa… papa he's." I tried to say something, anything but I couldn't.
"Haz baby what's wrong?" She asked.
"He shot himself…. Papa…. Mama, you need to come home." I say.
"Ok, ok I'm on my way." She says quickly and I see a car pull up and I run outside to see my mom.
"Keep the girls in the car." I tell her.
"Is that blood?" She asked.
"You stay out here with the girls." I tell her.
"What happened are you ok?" She asked as she grabbed my face and I feel tears in my eyes.
"P-Papa… just… stay here with the twins." I tell her.
"What wrong with Vincent?" She asked and I shake my head quickly and look to the house to see a paramedic come out. I couldn't stop her as she runs up to the paramedic and asked what was going on. I see them hold her back from going inside and I don't know how long we were out her for but I was able to get my mom away from the house and to the girls. She moves the car to the other side of the house and I was pulled to the side a bit just as I saw Clems car pull up.
"HAZ!" She yelled worried as she comes over to me and the investigator and I look down.
"What's going on?" She asked.
"Ma'am, I need to talk to your son-."
"NO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" She yelled at him and I put my hand to her shoulder and she looks to me.
"I uh… Mama, you need to help Mom with the twins… please?" I basically begged her and she looked to the house just as they brought the gurney out and I shut my eyes.
"Vincent?" She asked and I could hear the hurt in her voice and I kept her close to me so she wouldn't run up to them. I could hear how hurt she was as she cried. I rubbed her back a bit and moved her head to not look as they put him in the back of the ambulance.
"Ma'am, I don't mean to be rude but… do you have any family you can stay with?" The investigator asked.
"S-Stay… w-why would… why?" She asked and I could hear him sigh. It wasn't out of irritation I know this is a hard job for him and to tell her that she couldn't be here. I just know.
"Mama… Papa… he…" I tried to speak as she looked to me and she looked to my clothes and then looked to me with wide eyes and then to the investigator.
"Ma'am… your husband… he… shot himself and, your son here called, but… it was to late." The investigator says and she cried some more.
"No… not my Vince… he wouldn't do that." She says and I look to her as she looked to me.
"Not him too." She says and I hugged her.
"We can talk at the station tomorrow son." He says and I nod as he hands me his card and I take a breath.
"We're… going to my grandpa's house, Lee." I say and he nods.
"Alright." He says and I tell Clem to call her father as the ambulance leaves and I rubbed the back of my head as she does and heads over to Minnie and the twins, who thank god didn't have to see any of that. I grabbed my phone and looked through my contact list as I take a breath and I call up my Nanny.
"Hey Haz, how are you?" She asked.
"N...Not so good Nanny." I tell her honestly as I take a few breaths.
"What's wrong baby?" She asked and I take a deep breath and let it out.
"Nanny…. Dad… he uh… We really need you and Poppy to be here." I cried a bit and wipe my eyes a bit.
"What's wrong with your father?" She asked getting worried.
"Nanny… I saw… I saw him… He… God damn it he had a rifle to his chest and there was… So much b-blood." I tell her.
"Oh… oh god no this… he's pulling some sick prank, right?" She asked and I shake my head as I cried.
"Nanny he's gone… he's fucking gone." I tell her.
"No… no not my baby boy, you… are you.. are you sure?" She asked and I could hear it. I could hear it in her voice.
"I'm… I'm sure they… I tried… I tried and, and the paramedics… please… please you and Poppy have to come here, I can't…" I tried to speak.
"Ok… ok baby we'll be there I… we will be there." She tells me and we hang up after I tell her that we would be at Clem's parents' house and I closed my eyes a bit and then head over to Mom and Mama.
"Haz your clothes." Clem says and I look at her then to my clothes and I swallow a bit and I nod a bit.
"I… I got clean clothes in my car I'll get changed and… you and mom need to take the twins to grandpa Lee's." I tell her. I'm trying to keep my composure for her and she looked to the house a bit and I clear my throat.
"Mama, please just listen to me." She says and she looked to me and nods a bit.
"Ok… ok." She says and I look to my mom who nods as well as they get in the car. When they were gone I talked to the investigator and explained as much as I could. It was hours before I finally get to Grandpa Lee's house and I see him come up to the door as I walked up and looked at him. What could I tell him. What could I say. I keep looking at him as he looked back at me and I run up a bit and give him the biggest hug I could muster up and he hugs me back just as hard. I feel him place his hand on my head as I cried and cried. He would tell me that it's going to be ok but it wasn't. When I finally pulled away, he took me inside and I see both my moms as they sat on the couch but my mom looks to me and I look back at her. I walk up to them and take a seat on the floor by Mama and I feel her place her hand gently on my shoulder.
"Nanny and Poppy will be here as soon as they can." I tell her but I don't look at her. How could I look at her?
"Ok… that… that's fine." She tells me and I nod a bit and keep my eyes to the floor. I get to thinking about everything. Could I have helped dad? Should I have said I loved him this morning? Should I have talked to him last night?
"Did I cause this?" I asked out loud.
"No, no baby don't think that." I hear and I look to my mom.
"I didn't tell him I loved him this morning." I tell her.
"I didn't give him our morning kiss." Clem says and I look to her sadly.
"I was in such a hurry… to get to work… oh god." Clem says and I get up and hugged her as she gripped my shirt and I gripped hers. A few days pass on by and my dads parents came down and they were helping Clementine with the funeral planning and the twins were playing with the toys in the living room. I had called up dads' friends as well and told them to come to Georgia so we could talk to them but they hadn't arrived yet. I look to my Mama as I sat next to her and I see the booklet she had and she rubbed her head a bit as she kept looking through the book.
"This looks nice don't you think?" My Nanny asked as she pointed to an urn. My mom said he didn't want to be buried, and he didn't want to be a body in a box at his funeral. He was joking at the time but now. Now we have to look at it as a reality.
"It… it is… I'm sorry I just." Clem says and I rubbed her back a bit as she ran her fingers through her hair.
"I know sweetheart." Nanny tells her.
"He just wanted something simple." Clem cried and I held her.
"We can look through this later." My Nanny says and Clem nods as they closed the book and we just sat at the table.
"Nanny?" I asked.
"Yes baby?" She asked and I look to her then to Poppy as he just sat on the couch looking at the twins and I look back to her.
"Dad… why…" I tried to speak but I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut.
"Baby it's ok, talk to us." She says and I shake my head a bit and put my hand to my eyes and I swallow.
"Why that way?" I asked.
"I… I don't know baby." She says and I move my hand away and I keep my eyes to the table.
"His grandmother." We hear and look to Poppy who got up and came over to us and sat next to Nanny and we look at him.
"He went out like his… grandmother." He choked a bit at his words and Nanny rubbed his back a bit.
"She… he loved her so much I guess… it's just a theory." He says and I nod a bit at this.
"I'm sorry." I say to them.
"No it's ok, he never told you because… he didn't want you to know." Mama says and I nod a bit and take a breath. There is a knock at the door.
"I got it." I hear grandpa say and the door opened and I see Louis and the others come in.
"Hey." I hear and Clem gets up and greets them and they come into the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Marlon asked and Clem clears her throat as she leaned on the counter. She looked so tired and I know this was going to be hard for her and I get up and look at them as they look to me.
"Dad…" I stopped and take a breath.
"Sweetie." I hear and I shake my head a bit.
"Dad… is gone." I tell them.
"Gone?" I hear my aunt Brody asked and I look at her.
"He passed away." I tell them and they look to me in shock.
"P-Passed away?" Louis asked and he looked to Clem and he goes up to her and grabbed her shoulders and she looks up to him.
"Gone?" He asked and she nods sadly and I look to the others. I hear my Poppy choke a bit and I just hit everyone. No one cried but Brody took a seat and the others did as well. I look over to Mama as she rubbed her face a bit to try and keep some composure and she takes a deep breath.
"What… how?" Aasim asked.
"Haz… Haz found him." Clem chokes out and they look to me and I shake my head a bit. I don't want to remember seeing him like that and I rubbed my head a bit.
"Oh god." Brody says.
"Did anyone tell Tenn.?" Marlon asked.
"Minerva and Sophie are telling him tonight with AJ… we uh… we were thinking about giving him and the little ones something with Vincent's ashes, Carley suggested it and… I think it would be nice… and if you guys want any." Clem says and I keep my head to the table.
"Is that ok?" Brody asked and I look to her as she looked to me and I nodded. She nods to me as well and I look to the booklet and I shake my head a bit.
"Do… do the girls know?" Ruby asked.
"I don't know how to… I don't know how to tell them their dad… that their dad isn't coming back." Clem says.
"They know he's not here but… they think he went on a trip, because." Clem stops as she sobs a bit and we let her take her time.
"They said they forgot to give him, his hugs before school, and that… that they wanted to give him a really big hug." Clem cries and my Poppy goes up to her and hugs her as she cried. We all stayed silent and as time passed us on, we all went outside and I was helping Lee with the food. Honestly, we hadn't eaten much since that day and Mom has just been with Aunt Sophie. I get it, it's fine, she doesn't know what to do and she didn't want to overstep Mama when it came to planning all this. Mama understood, she said it was ok. We finished making dinner and the girls grabbed their plates and went to the living room and we all stayed outside and ate. I didn't have much on my plate but it was something.
"I was talking to the… police station and they said that Vincent had left a… a note for everyone." Clem tells them and I look to her a bit as she looked to the ground.
"It was just addressed to everyone, I'll get it tomorrow but they read over it I just didn't ask why but… they said that… it might help us I guess." She says and I look to my grandpa Lee as he rubbed Clems back and shake my head. I was angry. I was pissed and set my food to the side.
"How the fuck is a letter going to help us?" I asked and they looked to me.
"Haz."
"No… how if a fucking note going to make any of this better? He fucking left us… he fucking left all of us, and why?" I asked pissed off.
"Haz-."
"No." I say to her.
"Haz please listen." I hear and look to my Poppy as he looked to me. I clench my hands into fists as I glared at him.
"Haz… when your great grandmother passed away… she left a note for your dad and us." He says and he puts his hand to his mouth as he takes a breath.
"He wasn't thinking about everyone he was leaving behind; he didn't give a damn that he left us…. Left… me." I say and I unclenched my fists and clenched them again and I glare at everyone.
"Haz listen to your Poppy." My Nanny says and I look at her then back to him to see him trying not to cry but it's a dry cry and I feel bad.
"We won't know why your father did what he has done… he might have felt remorse, he might have felt guilt, when he took his own life…. When he was young and my sister and her husband berated him, he came up to me just once and asked… if he was going to hell." He says and I see his face turn red as he clenched his eyes.
"Your great grandfather instantly told him, no that he was not going to hell… you know what your dad says to him?" He asked and I shook my head.
"He looked over to him an said… that my sister said she was, and her husband… and since they are the adults they must be right… he was ten and he said he didn't want to go to church anymore for his thinking, he never told you or Clem or anyone about this because we told him to keep it between us… he believed he was going to hell no matter how much he tried to get rid of his own thoughts of being who he truly was…. My son." He says and he cried.
"I hope he didn't think that anymore… that he is with my parents… that my mother is letting him into her home with all the love I couldn't give him." He cried and I look down.
"That he is telling my parents… about you… about your sisters, his wife and your mother… how much he is going to miss you all." He says as I look up and he looked to me as he gets up and comes over to me.
"Your dad love you so much Haz." He says and we both take a seat and I look to everyone as they listened and watched us.
"When you were a baby, about eight months old, he told me he heard you cry so quietly he joked that you didn't want to wake up your Mama and Mom, but you did it loud enough just for him to hear… he picked you up and took you down stairs just incase you got louder… he took you both to the couch and turned on some cartoons." He laughed a bit as he tells me and I look to him.
"And you just kept looking at him… not once did you look to the show and you just lay your head on his chest." He says.
"He told me… that he almost cried and he joked saying you loved him more then some old colors and pictures on the television." He tells me and I look to him.
"He said 'Dad… Hazel put her head on my chest and fell asleep… am… am I doing good dad?'…. I don't know why he asked me if he was doing good at being a father… when I wasn't a good father to him." He says and I place my hand on his back.
"But I want you to know that he loves you he loves all his kids, what caused this all to happen… We may never know… but the note… may or may not tell us but he might want us to know what he was thinking at the time when he wrote it." He says and I nod.
"I'm sorry… I just-." I stop talking and take a breath.
"You loved your dad we know, and this will make you angry we understand… I understand." He tells me and I nod a bit as I feel him place a hand on my back.
"I was so mad at my mom when I first heard… about her… and you are allowed to be mad at him, it's ok… I'm mad at him too." He says.
"I'm fucking mad at him." Louis says and I look at him.
"He could have talked to us, I thought of him as my brother, and he left me… I told him my problems but he didn't tell me his, he would help me but… I couldn't help him." Louis says and he looked to the side.
"And I'm mad at myself." He mutters.
"It was hard for him to talk about his feelings." Clem says and I look to her.
"He wouldn't talk about everything to me but it was hard… I think last month just got to him." She says and I was confused.
"His grandparents' birthdays." My Nanny says and I look to her.
"Oh, how he loved his grandparents, when we first started dating he said that we had to go see his grandparents." My mom says and I rubbed my head a bit.
"He hated it when someone else called him Vinny." Clem says.
"His grandmother called him that… her little Vinny." My Poppy says and he makes a phone with his hand and looked to me and smiled.
"Where is my little Vinny son? I want to talk to Vinny, is Vinny, ok? are you feeding him, actually let him come over to my house I'll make his favorite cookies." He says and he laughed.
"Oh god those cookies, he'd come home with a plate full and say with a smile 'Grandma said I could eat all these before dinner'." His mom laughed and we all do.
"Of course I called her up to ask if that was true and sure enough she says 'Yes, Vinny can have all those cookies before dinner, he'll still eat your dinner he's getting big'." She tells me.
"Just like the twins." I mutter and we all look to the house and I rubbed my head.
"I hate him." I say and looked to the table.
"He left them, they aren't going to understand any of this." I say and look to Mama Clem.
"I… I don't know… I know it was hard when I was told about my parents… I don't… I don't know." Clem says and I look down.
"They keep asking when he's coming home from work." She cried and I shut my eyes tight. We talked for a bit and then my mom and Clem put the girls to bed and they came back out and I was looking at the booklet for urns and stuff.
"Find one you think your Papa would like?" I hear and look to see Clem and I shrugged.
"Dad never liked things fancy." I say as I look to the urns and sighed. I keep looking and I see one and I smiled a bit.
"Mama." I say and she comes over as I point to one and I hear her laugh.
"Yea… yea that's your dads urn." She says and we circle it and we keep looking.
"What's your dads urn?" I hear and look to see my Nanny and I show her the picture and she smiles and nods.
"Yea… yea that's his alright." She says and hands the book back gently and I set it on the table. I got to thinking a bit and I look to Clem as she took a seat next to me.
"Have you picked out a necklace you wanted?" She asked and I shook my head.
"Mama… dad never had a gun in the house until I asked him if we could try hunting…. Was it because of his grandmother?" I asked and she takes a breath.
"Yes, he didn't want any of your grandfathers guns anymore when that all happened… he gave them to uh… god what was his name Nanny?" Clem asked her and she takes a seat with us.
"I think he gave them to his old middle school friend, he liked your dads grandfathers guns, and asked if he was willing to sell them… but after grandma he just… gave them to him." She tells us.
"So it's my fault." I say.
"No, no it's not your fault."
"I asked him if we could go hunting… he showed me what he got me… and he used it… he used it on himself." I cried.
"Oh sweetie." My Nanny says as she hugged me.
"It's my fault." I whimpered. A few more days passed and we were at the church. Lots of people had come, even my Poppy's sister. She didn't have the right to be here but Poppy said we should just be respectful and not cause any problems. I was with Clem, she said she couldn't go in there just yet.
"I am so sorry for your loss." I hear and look up to see Jane and Molly and I get up and give them each a hug and they hugged Clem as well.
"Haz." I hear and look to see Autumn and I go up to her.
"Hey." I say quietly and put my hands in my pockets.
"How you holding up?" She asked as she messed with my tie a bit and I just watch her.
"Not good… I'm trying to… help Mama but… I don't know." I tell her.
"Is it ok that I'm here?" She asked and I nod quickly.
"Yeah… yeah dad loved you too, he… he'd probably be telling you to keep me together." I tried to joke and she hugs me and I hugged her back. I take her over to Mama who hugged her as well and she looked to the both of us and look to the ground.
"Mrs. Aldon, may I talk to your son and you?" I hear and saw the preacher and Clem nods.
"Of course, something wrong?" She asked.
"No, nothing wrong, I just wanted to know if you and your family would like to go up and talk before we start the service." He says and I look to Mama as she looked to me.
"Is that ok Vin-… Haz." She says and looks down and I frown a bit and place my hand on her shoulder and I nod.
"Just not his aunt on his dads side… or her husband, I don't want them up there." I say and he nods.
"Understandable, do you want to go first?" He asked me and I think and shake my head.
"I want to go last if that's ok?" I asked him and he nods. We all go in and everyone takes their seats. Most of the family had gone up and spoke a few words, and the twins just laid their head on Mama Clem and Mom and I look up to the podium a bit as the preacher looked to me.
"And finally, Vincent's son would like to speak." He says and I get up letting go of Autumns hand as I go up to the stage a bit and look around a bit.
"Lot of you know me as Haz, but I was born Hazel… my sisters gave me the name Haz because they couldn't say Hazel… dad said if I wanted to legally change it, he'd go and do that with me…. my dad… he's gone I know, I've known him literally my whole life… in the past few days, I learned a lot about my dad that I didn't know, that he wouldn't talk about but that's fine, if he wanted me to know he would have told me." I say and take a breath.
"I asked my dad one day if I could be like him, I was scared for some reason to ask, and I… told him about how I had a crush on Autumn… he told me he knew, because of Mom and Mama… guess he wasn't that good when it came to picking that stuff up." I laughed a bit and ran my fingers through my hair.
"Guess he didn't want to see me grow up so fast." I say and look to the urn a bit then to the crowed.
"When dad got in his accident, I blamed myself, I didn't want him to go to work anymore, hell I didn't want him going in a car, I wanted him to stay home because I was afraid, he would get hurt or worse… and that it would be my fault again." I say and take a breath.
"I blame myself now for him being gone… I won't stop blaming myself even if people keep telling me it isn't my fault, I know it is… I know… I asked him if we could go hunting not knowing… not knowing what his grandma had done the same thing…. He got me the rifle he had used on himself and that… that's why I blame myself for him doing that… I never should have asked him to take me hunting… and that's always going to be in the back of my mind, till the day I die." I say and look to Clem and the twins.
"I'm sorry." I tell them and then I get off the stage and they played some of his songs and the pastor would talk then another song would play and I look to the urn more and more even when the service ended I just looked at the urn. I feel a hand in mine and I look to Autumn and she looked to me and I nod as we get up and I go over to Clem and she gives me a hug.
"Baby I know you don't want to hear this from me but your dad never wants you to feel bad for asking him that, you didn't know, we couldn't explain to you about all that in detail and even when you got older we never could tell you." She whispers and I nod.
"I'm still… I'll get over it but right now I don't think I can." I tell her and she kissed my cheek gently.
"Clem." I hear.
"Dr. Johnson." She says and I look up to see the woman and she comes up to us.
"Hey Haz… your dad has told me a lot about you." She says and I nod.
"Good things I hope." I tried to joke and she smiles a little.
"He told me that when you were a baby you slept on his chest… he didn't want to let you go, I uh." She clears her throat a bit.
"He even told me that you, had a talent for music." She says and I chuckled and nodded.
"He even showed me the video." She says and I nod a bit.
"I talked with Louis and the others, if you guys need to talk to anyone you can talk to me, I have a friend who you could also talk to and it's free, all of it even if you turn fifty and I'm still around." She says to us and she looked to me and I nod.
"Thank you so much but that's-."
"Nonsense Vincent was a good man and… well I consider him a friend, heck he kept showing me your baby photos and even got me a cigar when he found out about the twins." She says and I look down and rubbed my forehead a bit.
"Sorry… but I just want you all to know that we are here for you." She says and I nod.
"Thank you." I say and she leaves and I see Jane and Molly as they come over to us.
"Hey, we were wondering if we could talk to Haz?" Molly asked.
"Yea sure." I say and looked to Autumn and I let go of her hand as I go off to the side with the two.
"Hey your dad wanted us to give this to you." Molly says as she hands me a set of keys and I look to them.
"He wanted to give them to you when you were older, but that's the keys to… great grandma's." Jane says and I clutch the keys.
"Fucking Karen and them are going to fight me on this are they? Like they did him?" I spat out.
"No, and you know if she does, me and Molly will put an end to it… but Vincent wanted you to have them, I… I should have taken that." Molly cried and I hugged her.
"It's ok… thank you for keeping these… maybe we all can visit at great grandma's you know?" I asked and they nodded.
"That would be nice." She says and I nod and they go and talk to Clem a bit and I see my mom to herself so I go over to her and lean on the church wall and I look to see a cigarette in her hand so I shrugged a bit and I grabbed one from her and she didn't stop me.
"Your father would kill me for not stopping you." She says and I chuckled as I light it.
"Yea well dad gave me a beer once so I think he can let this slide." I say as I inhale the smoke and blew it out.
"Seems like you've smoked before?" She asked and I shrugged.
"How do you think dad stopped smoking?" I asked and she laughed.
"I mean I wanted to try it so I stole his pack, and then I just kept doing it to keep him from smoking." I tell her and she laughed.
"Wish I could have done that with his beers." She says and I look to her.
"You remember when we went to the lake last year." My mom says and I chuckled and nodded.
"Yea it was after I got my bandages off." I say and she nods.
"He's like 'My boy is going to get some sun, no need to feel shame in his scars like his old man'." She says and I chuckled.
"I heard that… was he ashamed in his scars?" I asked and took a hit from the cigarette.
"When we were dating yes, he was… he didn't like being shirtless around me but Clem… he was happy with her." She says and I move off the wall and I look at her more.
"I'm not mad at him but… I'm glad he let me stay with all of you to help raise you and even the twins." She says and I laugh a bit.
"I can't make dads chocolate sandwiches." I say and look to them.
"Tried to make if for them when you and Clem went to get the urn, they kept asking why dad wasn't making them… that he should be home tonight but… I couldn't tell them… I ended up making them some cereal." I mutter.
"Well… you just got to remind them that he loved them… god I don't want to know what's in that note." She says and I nod.
"Mom asked me if it was ok if we all read it after the funeral… when we got… got home." I say and covered my mouth a bit.
"She was thinking of selling the farm." She tells me and I look at Clem then back to my mom.
"I understand why she would want to… we pass that office every time we leave the house… and knowing… what happened in there." She cried and I held her to me.
"I don't think she can sell it… you grew up there, the girls are still growing up but that's their home… she helped Vincent find the house." Minerva says and I nod.
"I know." I say and we pull apart. When we finished, I saw Clem holding the ashes and I go up to her because the twins wanted to hold the pretty music note.
"I want to hold it." Ester says and I look to Mom.
"Sweetie no." Minerva says as she picked up Ester.
"But that's daddies." Pat says and I look to Clem as she picked Pat up.
"It… yes but… baby girl." Clem says and see she is struggling a bit.
"We can go put it with dads' picture by the old fireplace how about that?" I asked and Clem nods at this.
"Ok... when is daddy coming home?" Ester asked and I look to her and we keep silent.
"He'll be home soon baby girl." Clem says and she just takes them to the car and I walked with her. More people came up to us to apologize and I was getting tired of it. I get it they just want us to know they are here but the girls don't understand why everyone is saying sorry to us. We get them in the car and I hand the urn back to Mama and I sit in the back.
"Haz." I hear and look down to Pat as she tugged on my suit jacket a bit and I move my hand and place it on her head and rubbed it a bit.
"Yea Pat?" I asked and she tugged on my shirt more so I leaned down so she could whisper to me.
"Is… that daddy?" She asked and I see her point to where Mama Clem is and I take a breath and look to her then to Ester who looked to me as well and I nod a little to them and they look to me then to Mama and they keep quiet as we get home. When we do get home Louis and the others drive up as well as do the others. I get out and open Mama's door and I slowly take dad out of her hands and she looked to me and I slowly hand dad to Pat.
"Pat will bring dad in, and Ester can put him on the mantel." I say to both of them and they nod as they go up to the house and I look to Mama and Mom.
"They know." I say to them and Clem looked to the house a bit and I look to it as well.
"I'm going to go help them." Mom says and I nod as she heads in but stopped at the door a bit. She walked in and I look to Clem.
"You don't have to go inside Mama." I tell her as I hold her hand.
"You… I shouldn't be feeling like this… you saw your father not me." She says and I wiped my tears.
"Mama…" I cried and she held me.
"I'm so sorry Haz." She says and rubbed my back and I rubbed hers.
"Nothing for you to be sorry about Mama… nothing at all." I tell her and after a few hours we finally go into the house. I look to the office door a bit and I feel Clem touch my shoulder and I look back to her and we head into the kitchen where Clem's parents had some food ready as did my dads parents. And to my surprise I see my moms' parents here as well. I take a breath and go over to the twins and I bring them outside with AJ and Tenn. The parents were talking as we just stayed outside. I mostly sat in dad's spot by the firepit and I lit the fire pit as it was getting dark.
"Haz, son… we're going to read the letter." I hear and look up to see my mom and I nod slowly as I looked to the others and I tell them we should go in. I go over to the living room and see Clem with the letter and I take a seat with her as she doesn't open it. I slowly take it out of her hands and she looked to me. I could feel how thick it was and I look at it as I slowly opened it.
"To my family and friends, do not cry for my death, be happy that we had met, I'm sorry for leaving my beautiful wife and children alone in this world, Minerva I'm sorry you have to deal with Clem being moody." I say and I laughed a bit and looked to Clem who smiled.
"Trying to make us laugh… stupid man." She says and I smile sadly and continue to read it out loud.
"I am sorry for doing what I am going to do… I don't know why I want to; I won't lie I had thought about this for years, way before Grandma had passed the way she did… Haz none of this is your fault, I know why you would think it is, and I just want you to know that it's not." I read and wiped my eyes.
"Louis don't go trying to steal my girl now that the competition is gone." I read and we all laughed.
"Now I hadn't written a will, sadly I didn't think about it, but please think of this as what I want you all to have." I read a bit and shake my head.
"Clem the house has your name on it so of course you get everything I own until you pass, but I want Haz to have some of the land when he is old enough. I want the girls to pick out some things they want too and when they are older, they can take it with them. Minerva." I stop and take a breath.
"I want Minerva to stay with Clem and the kids as long as she wants, and if she wants something of mine that is ok as well. Brody, Louis, Marlon, Aasim, Ruby, Sophie, if you want any of my music stuff you can but please ask my son first, he's in charge of that." I read and take another breath.
"AJ, can have my old fishing poles, Tenn. as well I know that we had fun at the lake, so make sure to catch some big ones for me, ok?" I read and flip the page.
"To my parents, I have given Jane and Molly the key to grandma's house, they may have given it to Haz by now but if you want you can ask for the keys so you can go to their house whenever you want, I don't think Haz would mind at all." I read and look to my grandparents and they nod a bit for me to just read more and I feel tears in my eyes.
"To who ever found me, if it was my wife, I'm so sorry that that will be the last time you saw me… if it was my son, then you can curse about me like a mother fucker because I hope to God my children never see me like that either, I don't want that image in any of their heads… I hope this letter was read before my funeral but I hope I wasn't a body in a box for everyone to see, I don't want anyone seeing me like that." I read and take a deep breath and flip to the next page.
"I'm going to be honest, as I write this I'm scared, I'm so scared and I had hoped that this alone would stop me from doing this, and I hope that it does as I step away from this desk. I don't want to do this but my brain says I have to… that I have to stop being a disappointment." I read and hear crying.
"My aunt Karen called me, on grandma's birthday, saying it was all my fault she was gone, telling me that grandma would be eighty-nine years old had I not been a disappointment to her that she had to take her own life… and uncle Richard called me on Grandpa's birthday… saying how it was all my fault for his death too. Sadly, I believed them." I read and I clench my eyes tightly then open them as I look to the letter again.
"I think if I'm gone no one else will take their own life because of me, and I hope it's true… I know I'm not going to heaven, I'll be in hell, I stopped going to church and I stopped praying I know God doesn't want me there because I caused so much harm to people. I know I won't see Grandma and Grandpa. I just want you all to know that I love all of you, even in death I will always love you, my wife, my son, my two little girls… Minerva as well, I love you even if it wasn't romantically, I still love you because you gave me our little boy, my first child someone I could love and take care of… I hope Clem isn't jealous I wrote this." I read and she laughed.
"It's ok… I'm not." She laughed as she looked to my mom and she smiled to her sadly and nodded. I read the last of the letter.
"I want my family to know they are still loved, I want my friends to know this as well, so please stop shedding tears for me, and I hope one day you all can forgive me for what I do, but I understand if some of you are mad at me, you can be, I don't blame anyone. This isn't a goodbye; I'll see all of you again… old and wrinkled while I look young." He wrote and we laughed a bit at this and looked to see if there was more but that was it.
"Fucking Richard and Karen." I hear my Poppy say and I put the letter back in the envelope and look to Mama who was holding the twins. We all kept silent but after a while everyone got up and moving. By the time the twins went to bed most of the people were gone and I laid on the couch a bit as Autumn comes over to me and I look up to her. She crouches down and moves some hair out of my face and I smile a little at her.
"Want to talk?" She asked and I look to my feet a bit and I nod as I get up.
"Let me go tell Mama… because I want to be outside." I tell her and she nods and I go tell Clem and she tells me to just come back in before I go to bed so she knows I'm safe. I agreed and walked out with Autumn and we go and take a seat on the old tractor and I look to her as she sat on the seat.
"I know you hear it a lot but… how are you holding up?" She asked and I sighed a bit at this.
"Not sure anymore… just feel empty… I lost my dad… my best friend in the whole world." I tell her and I look at her.
"We use to go fishing together, swimming at the lake with AJ and Tenn…. He taught me how to play his guitar for fuck sake the man was willing to not go to work anymore if I asked him… He even taught me how to build custom guitars, he made me one." I cried and rubbed my eyes.
"He fucking left me… and I saw him… I fucking saw him in his chair leaning forward with my gun… MY gun to his gut… did he suffer? Did he bleed out? Had I thought about not going to school that day would he still be here? All of these questions run through my head… and my sisters… when they told me they didn't give him their usual hug before they go into the class room… are they going to blame themselves? I just… I don't know Autumn I really don't." I tell her and she looked to me and sighed.
"You know why my dad isn't around?" She asked and I shook my head no.
"He did the same thing… except in the head… apparently I found him when I was little and I went up to my mom and said… dad was hurt his head was bleeding… now it happened when I was so young but I think that maybe I didn't tell him I loved him enough… never knew why he did it… he didn't leave us a note like your dad he just… did it." She tells me.
"I'm so so-."
"I never told you because I have a stepdad who loves me and I think of him as my dad… you have your mom… your sisters, a lot of people that love you and can tell you stories about your dad if you asked… you have videos to look back on and you have his ashes as well… you just told me the good times you had with your father, and you keep telling those stories about him because that way… he's not gone… at least to me it seems that way." She tells me and I nod at this.
"I think you should talk to a grief counselor." She says and I chuckled.
"Dads old therapist came and said her and her friend would do it for free… I'll make an appointment." I say to her and she comes down from the tractor and looks to me and messed with my tie a bit. why hadn't I changed yet I don't know. I feel her pull on it a bit and I lean down and kissed her. When I pulled away, she looked to me and I smile just a little.
"Sorry if you don-." She stops me and I look to her.
"We can talk on it later, ok?" She asked and I nod as we head into the house. I went and got changed and I told mom and Mama we were good and that I was heading to bed. I give them their hugs and asked if Autumn could stay the night which they said was ok. We then went to my room and we both went to sleep in my bed.