Spoils of War
Episode XVI: Slow Fade
Tala's new apartment, while still modestly sized, was a huge upgrade from the cram-packed hut she'd resided in previously. Here, a second-floor studio offered a bedroom section integrated into the lounge area with a kitchen just off it and an attached fresher. With minimal appointments and pale gray duracrete floor, walls, and vaulted ceiling, the place got its character from small touches dotting the surfaces and walls: Painted stones from the Tribe children. Odds and ends from Din. Volcanic rocks Tala had collected from various adventures on Nevarro's surface. A found feather, a painted Raptivan skull, a few antique engine components. A decorative vase Romy had gifted a couple years back. An old paper book thrifted from the Exchange's ever-changing selection.
But no personal touch could be as interesting as what the four walls held that day: a Mandalorian who had dared to take off her helmet.
Adjacent to the tall window pouring daylight in, two people sat on the humble pale blue couch. With a caring arm around the girl beside her, Tala anxiously eyed the same person Kal-Bruna did: Din, who was visibly upset and pacing slowly in front of them. He hadn't said a word since the teenager's tearful explanation as to why she was above ground and helmetless.
After spotting her in the street and recognizing her from her armor, Tala had been the one able to act, while Din (for once in his life, perhaps) had been too taken aback to know what to do. At first, he hadn't believed it was Kal-Bruna. Not until he heard her voice. Ever since confirming it was her, he'd gone silent and left no indication of what he was thinking (except that he wasn't happy).
Now, after being whisked indoors and out of sight, the terrified Mandalorian teen appeared to be awaiting a death sentence. She clutched Tala's free hand in both of hers, appearing nine again instead of nineteen. The brightness of daylight made her squint, and every other moment she'd remember she was somewhere unfamiliar and frightening then glance around with intensified distress. Her face was proving hard for Tala to stop gawking at. The fair skin and heart-shaped jaw. The flashing warm hazel eyes. The coppery hair and delicate freckles. Kal-Bruna was beautiful and had a sweet but fierce face that showed expression, emotion, and intelligence. It left intense rumination in Tala's mind: Why did Mandalorians insist on the facelessness? Even as part of her felt fulfillment for the times when Kal-Bruna's eyes met hers and they shared a tentative, scared smile—Tala's discomfort built and built in anticipation of Din's wrath.
He finally came to a stop. "So you're telling us…" he surmised in slow disbelief as both women tensed in anticipation, "That you decided to leave the covert… took off your helmet… and went above world… all because you decided to fight with the Rebellion? Why? Why would you do this without telling anyone? Without fully thinking it through!"
Kal-Bruna's stricken face showed a flash of indignant rage. "Why do we stay underground when the Empire is doing what it is!? We wear the armor but where is the bravery?! I have begun to resent the Mandalorians!" Her blurted-out secret shocked the air into silence—as did the logic behind it. Both Din and Tala drew back in surprise. And then with wide eyes, Kal-Bruna's fire crumbled to vast uncertainty that betrayed her naivety. "I… I thought I didn't want to wear the helmet anymore—for years I've been thinking about it—but now…?" She sank into the couch as if she wanted to disappear, bowing her head and hiding her face in her hands briefly. "I'm too scared!" she admitted in a shaking, tearful voice. "The upper world is so much bigger and more confusing than I thought, and I don't know anything about it, and I'm scared! I was wrong, I was being stupid and arrogant!" Her hands shook and fell from her face. Heartbreakingly, she turned to look at Tala with eyes that swam in emotion. "And I tried to get back to the sewers but I couldn't remember the way and kept going in circles—and it doesn't matter because now I'm an apostate and can never go back!" With a wail, she pitched herself into Tala's chest and sobbed shamelessly.
Cradling her, Tala looked at Din with eyes she was sure were begging. "Shh, shh," she attempted as he remained silent and unmoving. Fear about Kal-Bruna's future prevailed, and Tala was already preparing to offer the girl a home here with her. After all, there was only one way that Din and his immovable morals would allow him to reply (unless some miracle occurred). His dogma dictated the girl couldn't return to the only home she'd ever known. But his heart? Tala hoped beyond hope he had the space in there to allow some kind of exception. As soon as she hoped it, her inner pessimist spoke up. He never will. He believes in it too much. You know that. Her heart sank.
Kal-Bruna lifted her tear-streaked face and joined Tala in begging Din with her eyes. "Please, beroya, say I can still live with the Tribe—I don't have another home, it was a mistake, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wish I hadn't…!"
Tala shot another worried glance at Din. It was obvious he was thinking haggardly. Which did indeed give her a modicum of hope. He was considering it…! That itself was shocking. But Tala didn't let herself have hope. Finally, he exhaled heavy and hard. "Kal-Bruna." He took a knee in front of the two women and lay his gloved hand gently over their mutually clasped hands. He spoke steadily even through clear stress, and there was a firmness there that demanded absolute attention. "We'll go find your helmet. You can put it back on. And the three of us will agree that this never happened. Understand?" He looked at both in turn. Side by side, both females had slack faces of disbelief.
"… Lie?" Kal-Bruna asked in a hopeful and worried breath.
Din just repeated himself with careful, slow annunciation. "We'll agree it didn't happen."
Tala was beside herself with welling affection and disbelieving amazement. "…It didn't happen," she echoed mutely, curiosity and longing pulling at her heart as she saw the man she loved in new light. His heart did have the space for a life-saving exception. Did it have space for more?
Kal-Bruna scooted forward and flung her arms around Din, squeezing her eyes shut. "Thank you, beroya, thank you thank you."
"Yeah, kid." He patted her head once then jerked his helmet sidelong as he stood. "Let's go. Before anyone notices you're missing." With a rapid turn of the helmet, Din shifted his attention to Tala as she rose. "You stay here. The less people who go, the better." At the look on her face, he softened by a fraction. "I'll be back as soon as I can be."
Exhaling her resigned displeasure, Tala folded her arms and set all her weight onto one foot. Her expression softened, becoming contemplative as the two Mandalorians exited her apartment and left her in silence. What a shocking, bizarre day. When they left, she almost wondered if she'd imagined the entire thing: Kal-Bruna's face, Din's exception to his beyond strict rules.
That exception stirred the same old ache of yearning. The daydream that someday and maybe he'd finally wear down. That if she held on long enough, she'd see his face and taste his kiss. Moments like today, it felt possible.
That Night
Tala spent the afternoon fretting over Din and Kal-Bruna while attempting to distract herself from rumination over the resurgence of longing she felt. It always seemed to go this way! She would experience a span of time where her feelings settled and the more acute pains of pining faded into a manageable lull she could sidestep. Today, she felt tortured again by the mind turned to possibilities.
Hours passed. Din did not reappear and Tala remained stuck in place mentally, anxiously waiting to hear from him and know he was all right. Know that he'd stuck by his decision. She grumpily cleaned the apartment, burned her dinner twice when her thoughts wandered, and tried reading a HoloBook but her mind just couldn't find focus.
Would the Tribe find out about Kal-Bruna's dalliance? Would they punish her? Would Din change his mind about sweeping it under the rug? What if he'd been lying about the exception? No. He wouldn't do that. How had Kal-Bruna hidden her urges and resentments all this time? Or had she? Thinking back, Tala could string together a series of seemingly innocuous comments made over the years that now felt like they made some kind of statement about helmets and a dissatisfaction with the status quo. Is this my fault somehow? Tala went over her own comments and mindsets shared over the years. She'd always been careful not to say too much about her distaste for the helmet rule… she thought, anyway.
An hour after sunset, a hail came from the door alert system. Finally! Tala abandoned her scrub brush in the kitchen (cleaning was a nice distraction) and hurried to the door and opened it… then went still and realized her mistake of assumption. It was not Din. A surprised and confused, "…Joza?" stuttered out of her mouth. What the blazes did he want?
The newish co-owner of the sparring club grinned with relief when he laid eyes on her. "Ah, whew! When you didn't show up to the club, I got a little worried." With a frown, Tala realized oh yeah. She'd been supposed to do some drills and had forgotten completely. But why was he worried? Like he could hear her internal question, Joza jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "There were rumors that someone else got stopped and kicked around by the Troopers."
It immediately felt strange and a little uncomfortable that a guy she barely talked to had come to her doorstep to see if she was safe. Tala found herself resorting to sarcasm to deflect, crossing her arms. "And you thought I was the one who got kicked around?"
Joza played it sheepish. "You're right. Dumb assumption."
Tala eyed him with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity. He'd better not make a habit of this. "Well… thanks for looking out." She began to back up and reached out a hand to close the door.
"I, uh—I live the next building over, you know!" Joza said in a slight rush, making her pause. His smile was warm and kind and sort of hopeful. "You, uh, ever need anything—just say the word."
Something about his energy felt authentic. But misgivings were plentiful. A very suspicious, "…Why?" came out.
He grinned crookedly and shrugged, an admittedly attractive combination. "Gotta treat Hapa's favorite fighter right." The words were plain enough. But the look of admiration and attentiveness flitting across his features made Tala's face slacken as she realized he was interested in her. Like that. Just like Din had complained earlier. With that realization, Tala felt like a small animal in the path of an oncoming landspeeder. She froze, unsure of what to do or say.
Footsteps sounded and the pair looked over to see the Mandalorian approaching. Oh kriff. The situation immediately became uncomfortable and Tala withered, feeling like she'd been caught doing something wrong. Joza reacted too. His expression morphed as he shifted a quick series of glances between Din and Tala, then visibly jumped to the conclusion that they were a couple—after all, they were regularly seen together out in town and now, the mysterious armored warrior was coming to Tala's residence at night.
Din greeted Joza warily as he came to a stop and crossed his arms. "Jozakus." Translation: why the kriff are you here? His silent stance was intimidating, Tala had to admit. Even she felt like she was in trouble.
Visibly flustered, Joza's eyes darted a few times between Tala and Din before he settled on a longer gaze at the helmetless one of the two. "Well anyway. Seeya around." He ducked out without another word, leaving Tala to stare after him and wonder if she should call a goodbye. By the time she had a chance to think about it, Joza was too far gone.
Din joined her in watching him disappear before he turned his attention back to her. He sounded guarded. "Kind of late for a social visit."
Tala stepped aside for him to get inside, flustered and trying to sound nonchalant. "Said he was worried when I didn't show for drills. Who cares." Din didn't indicate a reaction to her statement (but of course, the helmet kept many secrets on his behalf). He merely came inside after a brief consideration period. Mind racing with other matters, Tala punched the door shut key on the door console, rounded on him, then began the interrogation as she followed him into the main space. "How's Kal-Bruna? Did anyone find out? And why were you gone for so long?"
"No one found out. But I needed to spend some time with her to make sure she was okay." Din turned and sighed softly, his shoulders sagging just enough to illustrate how on edge he still felt too. "And then I had to make sure I was okay."
The defensive feeling faded. "Is she?" Tala chanced a step closer. "… Are you?"
He sounded guarded, tired, and distracted. "She's shaken up. So am I." For multiple reasons, no doubt. His head turned her way and his tone took on a more tender quality he probably didn't intend. "And now I'm checking on you—sorry it took so long."
The ire softened away. "It's okay," Tala murmured, her mind caught between the present moment and the one in which Din had shirked his long-held views. She was burning to know more but her instincts said that she ought to err on the side of caution and not bring it up. Not yet. Still, she hoped maybe he would. "I'm… shaken up too. Pretty surprised at everything that happened here today."
He sighed heavily. "You can say that again." A moment of deliberation came and went. "Look—" he began, making Tala's heart launch into the upper atmosphere out of hope he was about to tell her he'd been thinking all day about her, and him, and the helmet—that he'd say he'd had enough of this bantha dwang and he'd sweep the thing off, take her in his arms, then—
The thought was severed. Out in the street, a very nearby laserblast exchange could abruptly be heard. Even as Tala's body coiled protectively and she was plunged into adrenaline, her mind zoomed to where her weapons were stored (a small armory cabinet a few paces away). But before even a second had passed, Din was already springing across the distance to smash her into the far wall, using his body as a potential shield for any stray fire that found its way in past walls or windows.
Briefly startled by his closeness and heavy breathing and the way his movement had slammed the air out of her briefly, Tala stared at him as outside a few shouts came and the fire ceased. "Kriffing mez," she swore softly, her whisper seeming too loud against the sudden stark silence.
Din hovered tensely with his head turned at the action, an arm on either side of her locking her in place briefly before he commanded, "Stay put," then slipped to the window, peering out carefully. He shook his head in disgust, shoulders unclenching. "They just shot another civilian," he reported grimly.
Tala drifted over, face contorted with concern and disgust as she joined Din in peering out the window where several Troopers were standing over a dead body. "Who is it?" she whispered, not recognizing the murdered alien.
"Don't know. Someone very unlucky." Rage boiled under the surface of his voice. And powerlessness.
A long, thick silence passed. It left a feeling of despairing defenselessness. "This is insanity," Tala finally breathed, not sure if she wanted to cry or wage war.
Din sighed and turned his helm her way. "Offer still stands, you know."
Looking sidelong, it took a second to get what he was referencing. Her eyebrows rose doubtfully. "What, to go live underground?" He'd suggested it twice since Alderaan had been destroyed. Faintly, Tala shook her head. "You know I can't do that." She envisioned it briefly. "Won't do that." Not after how she'd fought for her freedom the way she had. Yes, it was dangerous above ground. But the danger was worth the freedom. For now, anyway…
"You wouldn't have to be scared all the time," Din offered in a subdued tone. An awkward pause came before his next words. "And… guess I wouldn't have to worry about you as much either."
A lot was unsaid in what he'd just verbalized, and Tala's eyes darted from a vague place on the floor to his visor strip. She thought about the shaggy head of hair underneath the helmet. Her heart pulled and panged. "A very sweet thought, but it's still a no," she answered presently, hesitation audible in her voice. "However…" Her gaze faltered to glance toward the window, out of which a dangerous outside night world made anxiety simmer in her gut. Nevarro had felt safe for a long time, and now it didn't. The world felt changed in a very permanent way, despite how much she tried to pretend it all away. She fidgeted, hoping he wouldn't wound her pride and say no. "Would you… mind staying tonight?"
His helm swiveled at her by just a fraction. He thought for two seconds, then gave a crisp nod. "Sure." He turned and began to ready the couch, pulling two cushions off and placing one as a pillow—like he'd done several times in recent memory. Physically unclenching, Tala's relief allowed her shoulders to relax down from her ears. Din's energy was quiet and strong. "It can't last forever," he said as he took a seat. "They're just worried because the Rebellion is proving to be quite the opponent."
Tala crossed her arms, intrigued with a twitching smile suddenly on her face. "… I thought you didn't keep up with all that." He gave no reply except a barely audible smirk—or at least that's what Tala had come to decide that little hmph sound was. Used to him choosing mystery, Tala sighed and let her gaze migrate to the window again as her mind whipped around. Thoughts of war, death, loss, and insecurity invaded her reality daily now, but even more after today. "Do you think Kal-Bruna is right? About it being time to fight?"
Din's reply came after a moment of thought. "No one hates the Empire more than Mandalorians do. We have every right to be first in line to exact revenge. Kal-Bruna's heart is in the right place. But there simply aren't enough of us anymore." Tala imagined a blank stare under his helmet as he let elbows rest on his knees then shook his head with dejection. "Sometimes it's hard to have hope for the future."
Outside world forgotten, Tala zeroed in on the sadness in his voice and approached. "Yes it is." Her heart wanted her to crawl into his lap and twine her arms around him in a close embrace that would soothe them both. Instead, she plopped down beside him and picked up the Sabacc deck. "Wanna play a round or two before we call it a night?" It would take their mind off things like it always did.
Din chuckled. "Sure, I love losing to you." It was hard not to feel a surge of love and painful longing at an affectionate comment like that. "And um—just to be clear. We can never talk about what happened with her ever again."
Subdued, Tala nodded. "Got it." So that's how this would be handled. She guessed it was better than nothing, and put her unanswered questions away. Kal-Bruna was safe. That's all that could matter.
An hour later under the cover of darkness after a few rounds of the game, Tala curled up under the covers in her bed and turned, eyes adjusting and finding Din's outline on the couch not too far away.
She wondered how he would respond if she asked him to come to bed with her. Momentarily she let her mind remember that night in the hall where they'd been all over each other, then the time in the warmth of the bacta tank where very little clothing had been between their bodies. Stolen moments her mind obsessed over when she lost her focus. Getting annoyed with the thoughts and the way they made her feel, Tala pulled her eyes away from the rise and fall of his shoulder and turned away. Din always resisted any small nudges she made about that stuff and she valued their relationship too much to push. Still. It hurt. She yearned. His words from years ago haunted her mind. She'd gone over them so many times they were carved into her DNA itself, she'd bet.
"If I was who I used to be before the Creed… there wouldn't be anything in the galaxy that could keep me away from you."
As she drifted off despite the swirling thoughts and tantalizing memory of those words, Din's eyes remained open and lingered on her in the darkness. His mind remained on her, and him… and Joza, who Din had seen coming from lightyears away. Foolishly, Din had previously supposed that maybe this would just be his and Tala's shared dynamic forever: a soul-deep relationship that he couldn't quite put into words and that he couldn't imagine losing… but inevitably would because of the nature of his feelings. He understood the inescapability of it now and it made a deep part of him panicky. If not Joza, someone else. Din never brought it up, but he could feel the tension and wishes emanating from Tala in certain moments. Tension and wishes he felt too (and knew she knew about). He couldn't do anything about them, and she knew that too. But tonight, he imagined getting up and sliding into bed with her. Without armor. Without the helmet. His mind turned to fantasies over what would happen, and how she would respond. The urge was so strong it brought physical pain. Becoming bothered, Din clenched his teeth.
He tried to remember the last time he'd been with someone and couldn't figure it out then abandoned the attempt. It was all stupid and empty and didn't appeal anymore. His mind was too fixated on Tala to want anything with anyone else. He'd thought years ago on Ord's cruiser that he and Tala had settled this and his yearning would fade. Instead, it only grew more intense as time continued on. Now the feelings mixed with building dread as Joza's face danced around in his mind.
Din finally turned away, his mind and stomach churning with uneasiness and foreboding. A breaking point was approaching. He could feel it.
The Next Day
The troublesome feelings and thoughts persisted, spiraling up into a small storm of tense, clanging energy that felt Din made like he was losing his mind. With a sick feeling in his stomach, he entered the Forge, so distressed by his cogitations that he could barely focus.
The Armorer glanced up from her work, proving herself as keen as ever. "Din Djarin. Something troubles you."
He didn't like how she could see straight through him. Gruffly, he cut to the chase. "I need advice."
"Of course." She set her tools down and stared at him. Blue flame cast a tint across her bronze armor. "What is it?"
"Tala."
"Ah." The Armorer nodded. "I have been waiting for this conversation."
Din was startled. "…What do you mean?"
"You have feelings for her! And have for quite some time."
The matter-of-fact callout made him bristle, blush, and shrink all at once. Was he really that transparent? Humbled, his head bowed a bit. "Yes, and they're causing issues." With an uncomfortable pause, he tried to understand himself. "I live by the Creed. I'll die by it too. But sometimes… well." His heart hammered and his stomach tossed as he prepared to admit the most terrifying thing he knew: "I find myself having… thoughts."
Her helmet cocked to the side ever so slightly. "What kind of thoughts?"
Din swallowed thickly, afraid to say too much. His voice was soft and husky, betraying his nerves. "…Ones that undermine everything."
The Armorer nodded thoughtfully, remaining unaffected. "As I suspected. A slope one could lose footing on easily. What will you do to ensure you do not stray?"
Why did he feel disappointed? Had he really expected the Tribe leader to give him permission? Some leeway in his situation like he'd given Kal-Bruna? No. The Armorer was going to hold him to their beliefs. Because of course she was. Guilt about his secret regarding Kal-Bruna circled him slowly and ate at his core, but he would keep the vow he'd made to himself yesterday and never speak of it again or acknowledge it had even happened. His silence grew long and his hesitation intense as he debated how to reply about what his plans for avoiding temptation with Tala were. He didn't want to say this, because it felt like it would be too final. But he did anyway. "Another man is interested in her."
The Armorer's reply crushed him. "Good." Good? His ears rang as she continued, a muffled voice vaguely audible to his devastated mind. "Let him have her. All that is meant to be will show itself. This is the Way." In disbelief at how immediate the response was and how vehemently his spirit rejected this instruction, Din's helmet rose a fraction as his eyes studied his leader with hurt. She seemed to know how he felt, despite not being able to see his expression. "You've always known your situation with your riduur was unique, Din Djarin."
And that was all she offered. She picked her tools back up and resumed working, signaling to him that the conversation was closed.
Din wanted to argue, rationalize, and plead his case. He wanted to beg for special permission or an exception. Things he absolutely would never get. He understood that with finality now. Any small hope he'd carried died.
With a heavy, stinging heart he left the Forge. In a blank fog, he went to his room and took his helmet off, staring at it with a haggard, hurting face. Finally, he hurled it at the wall with a barely suppressed sob. A dent remained and as the helmet rolled and twirled to a slow stop, Din despaired, letting his head drop into his hands.
This is the Way? Watching the person he loved, cherished, and wanted slip away into someone else's arms…? How could that be the Way? It felt so wrong, and his mind frantically tried to find a solution. She was supposed to be his wife—or maybe that had all been fantasy thinking. In the end, all he was left with was depression and the conviction that he had to dissociate himself from his romantic notions if he was to survive and maintain his place with the Tribe.
But the scariest thought of all? He considered briefly leaving it all behind so that he could be with the woman he loved. That thought and the genuine consideration he gave to it left him terrified and unsure of who he was.
Time marched on. Ever since Joza's concerned visit, Tala noticed him with new eyes. During training. During fights. During moments in town where she glimpsed him taking care of errands. He was the same guy in all situations: friendly and confident, encouraging and helpful. Well liked, generous, and a little bit of a jokester. Unconvinced and waiting to see what was wrong with him, Tala reserved judgment and tried to put him off any time he said anything to her.
Din got weirder and weirder. Kind of distant and distracted. Harder to talk to than before. Busier. More cryptic than usual. Any time Tala tried to find out what was wrong, he dodged and deflected. It hurt.
Kal-Bruna also became more withdrawn than before but did allow Tala to visit and talk with her a few times—never about what had happened. Like Din, she seemed different. It all left an uneasy, sad feeling Tala couldn't share with anyone. So she pushed it down. What else was there to do?
The Lava Fields
A few months after Alderaan was destroyed, Tala and Din finished another supply transfer. Like all the ones lately, it felt like a shadow of what it used to be. Very little conversation, very little feeling of connection. When they parted ways, Tala was left feeling hollow. Nursing the same old stung feeling she always seemed to feel after being around Din now, she sat alone atop the crest above where the tunnel ran. Pitying herself and thinking of Din below ground and her here above. She thought of her sisters idly, a contemplation that only made her feel duller. I really am just an island of a person. I feel so alone. And then her listless eyes spotted a small dot approaching quickly, kicking up a small dust cloud trail in its wake.
She straightened, danger senses alerting her to act quickly. Pulling her folding binocs out of a coverall pocket, Tala's stomach dropped. Joza. Kriff! What was he doing out here? She stood fast, instantly panicked about him finding out about the Tribe somehow. She ran to her bike and started it fast, swinging it around then racing off toward another meaningless ridge—anywhere with any distance from the lava river tunnel.
When she got a safe distance she stopped there, hoping Joza was just on a random ride and not going to come her way. But he did. She waited, stomach turning and nervous glances going toward the tunnel in the near distance.
After a torturous few moments, Joza swept up and screeched to a halt, sending a haze of dust flying. Tala waved it away from her face, squinting at him guardedly on his shiny new bike. "Hey!" he greeted. "Always wondered where you get off to when you leave town—fan of the lava fields, huh?" He swiveled his head and looked around, making Tala's nerves pick up. "It's good to get out of the city," he said, as if people just… had conversations out here for the hell of it. As if she was interested in talking to him.
Tala tried to compliment him to get off the subject of their location. "Nice new ride!" she said with an upbeat tone she had to fake. "Looks pretty fast." It actually looked slow and clunky and clearly needed some alignment.
Blissfully unaware, Joza grinned at her roguishly in the midday sun. "I've been wondering if it can outpace a SkyBird."
Tala recognized both a challenge and an opportunity to escape. Thank the stars. "Not mine." She gunned the engine and took off with a spray of dust, zipping down the ridge and back toward town, relief increasing with every meter she put behind her and the lava fields. She glanced back, seeing Joza racing after—but unable to match the speed of her modified and well-kept bike. A genuine little smile twitched on her face. And then something kicked up into the engine and the bike abruptly lost power as a loud grinding noise began to whine. Kriff! Stopping immediately before something caught fire or exploded, Tala cursed and crouched, looking for the culprit and the damage.
Briefly, she glanced at Joza's approach before locating a small rock that had lodged in one of the intake valves. With fingers, she pried at the stuck piece as Joza swooped to a halt nearby.
"Everything okay?"
Annoyed at him and the rock that wouldn't move, Tala sent a grouchy glance his way. "Yeah, it's fine."
"Need a hand?"
"No." Tala yanked hard and got the rock out and threw it, then peered into the valve to assess if any serious damage had been done. It hadn't.
Joza apparently didn't understand that she didn't want a friendly conversation, getting off his bike and taking in the view around them briefly. "You come out here a lot, right?"
Dusting her hands together as she stood, Tala crossed her arms at him, probably coming off as intensely unfriendly. "I dunno, maybe." Had he been watching her?
Joza just chuckled lightly. "So mysterious." He switched tracks without missing a beat. He crossed his broad arms, lounging against his bike in an admittedly charismatic way. "While I've got you, tell me about you and the Mandalorian."
The bold prompt caught Tala by surprise and her pulse picked up. She couldn't think of a way to dodge it without being suspect. "What about?"
"Are you… friends?"
More suspicion grew as protectiveness descended. "…Yeah."
Joza's warm eyes searched hers with a note of vulnerability. "… More than friends?" He cracked a disarming, shy grin at the look on her face. "I'm just trying to figure out how to ask you out! And if I even can." He had the most charming way of talking and his face could tell a thousand things without a single word.
Meanwhile, Tala blinked as her ears buzzed. "Out." She immediately felt inordinately awkward. "Like… out like dating?" She had to have this wrong.
Joza didn't bother disguising how much he meant it: "I like you."
How could he be so upfront about it? A burst of pleasant, embarrassing feelings made her skin warm and ears burn. Why do I like that he just said that? Tala's brief, flattered smile fell into a confused expression as she turned away uncomfortably. "I… don't think I'm interested in dating anyone." But she suddenly kind of was and hadn't been before thirty seconds ago. Dismayed at herself and more confused by the second, she itched to escape and her eyes darted at her bike.
"Well, if and when you are interested in dating someone…" Joza offered, shrugging in a very becoming way that made Tala clench up even more. She wasn't sure if she liked or detested him following her out here like he had. And it was best to just nip this in the bud.
"Yeah well I'd sooner go out with Kizzo," she said in a flustered mutter as she climbed onto her bike and then jetted off in embarrassment. Her mind swirled with thoughts, but the most prominent one? Din. And how guilty the interaction she'd just had made her feel.
Behind she left an intrigued, smiling Joza who climbed onto his bike with leisure as he watched Hapa's best fighter depart. He found her both endearing and maddeningly attractive and knew he wasn't the only one. He was the only one who had the stones to make a move though. Hopefully, in time, she'd give him a chance. He was pretty sure she would, and he planned to stay patient until then.
Weeks turned into months. Din worked more and more until it was nonstop. Way more than usual. So often that he barely made it to deliveries anymore—Paz did instead. Tala sank into a strange state over it all, feeling a certain kind of loneliness that pitted despair in every part of her. She missed Din when he was gone and missed him when he was right beside her. He didn't spend the night anymore. And asking him about it only ever made things worse.
After that day on the lava fields, Joza was nothing but friendly and he made no more flirtatious moves or comments. Tala began to wonder if she'd imagined his interest in her.
The Empire and the Rebellion continued to fill the news, and the impending feeling of disaster lingered daily. Tala's mind was a constant existential dread-filled wasteland and she felt more anxiety than she had in years. Her thoughts turned to her sisters more and more—people her mind was used to thinking of but her mouth said next to nothing about. What were their plights in all this unrest? Were they okay? Were they even alive anymore? Shouldn't she do something about it? But what could she do?
Kal-Bruna clamped down and became very quiet and very strict about training. She didn't have time for visits anymore. It left Tala feeling outcast and questioning her role in life. Her identity, even.
One night in the warm months at Hapa's, Joza was helping her with speed jabs—something she wanted to gain more skill in. Usually Reo did this, but he was out sick. Halfway through the drill, a very overwhelmed and anxious Tala gave a frustrated grunt and quit, her invasive thoughts too much to avoid anymore. What was the point of all this? Every day was the same, and she hated it. Hated it!
Joza lowered the strike pads he was holding, taking in her distracted demeanor. "You're sloppy today. Something wrong?"
His correct observation made her angry. Tala whipped off her gloves and leaned against the rope bordering the fighting pen they were inside of. A hand scrubbed against sweaty hair that plastered to her head in a series of leftover braids and tangles she'd smoothed down. Slowly, her anger gave way to desperation and she heard herself be semi-honest out loud for the first time in what felt like years. "I'm frustrated. That's all." Her words put it mildly, but her tone betrayed how sad she felt. Her mind wandered and her heart ached as the loneliness and guilt continued to eat away at her. Thoughts of her sisters yet again cropped up, and shame followed—because she had continued to do nothing about their fate. For years. She quickly exited those thoughts and shook her head, trying to say something true enough that Joza (who was pretty perceptive she was learning) would be satisfied. "Sometimes just feels like I'm only living halfway."
A rueful little chuckle sounded in the bottom of his throat and the rope beside Tala jostled as he settled his forearms onto it thoughtfully. "Same." He sent a gentle smile her way at the surprise on her face. "I won't be here at Hapa's forever," he revealed, instantly fascinating her. He gestured around briefly, then mentioned his brother ruefully. "This is Reo's dream, not mine."
Tala turned a fraction to him, studying his admittedly handsome profile. "What's your dream, then?"
He turned too and she saw the teasing sparkling across his face before his answer came shortly after: "To get you to go out on a date with me!" Oh for stars' sake. Tala rolled her eyes and snorted. She had to admit the sudden laugh was nice. Her harsher feelings softened. Joza chortled then got a little more serious. "I'm not sure yet," he reflected honestly after a beat of thought. "I just know it's something much bigger than Nevarro." He gave her an encouraging smile. "We'll get there." He popped her on the arm in a little encouraging gesture then jerked his head at the center of the fighting ring with a winning smile. "Again?"
The unexpected encouragement was salve to an open wound and surprisingly, she felt better. Softening despite herself, Tala avoided eye contact. "Again." She tried not to, but she realized it was happening slowly. She was beginning to like him too.
Somehow two and a half more years passed in which the same steady disheartening rhythm was maintained: Din working so much that Tala only saw him about fifteen times per year. Joza remaining steadfast and kind, always finding a chance to joke about wanting to date her. Her refusals were plentiful and ranged from annoyed, to amused, to sometimes genuinely considering. The longer Din remained like a distant moon orbiting her, the more Joza began to appeal. She didn't like it.
3ABY
The Covert
Din's coping skill of becoming a frenzied workaholic wasn't really a cure for his persisting feelings about Tala but he didn't really know what else to do. He had his orders: let Tala go. Let Joza have her. He tried to numb the rest of it away where it couldn't haunt him.
One day when he happened to be on planet resting in the Covert, she appeared out of nowhere in a state he'd never quite seen her in before. Edgy. Panicked. Urgent. Immediately, he assumed the worst and put down the object he'd been repairing. "What's wrong?"
"It's—I—" She shook her head and her nervous gaze darted around as if they were being watched. A few Tribe members were nearby at tables doing various tasks, but none seemed too curious. "Not here." Tala dragged Din by the arm to a quiet, dead-end tunnel far from the others and crossed her arms. Everything about her was jittery.
"What's wrong?" Din pressed, getting intensely worried with every passing second.
Her eyes were wide and her movements cagey. "You and I haven't talked about the whole… marriage thing in years."
Immediately startled, Din felt dread and hope alike build. "… And we're about to?"
What she said wasn't what he'd expected: "Joza kissed me. Just now. Well, earlier I mean." His heart sank, even though for almost three tortured years he'd been waiting to hear that she was indeed getting involved with the handsome club co-owner. But his mind and tongue froze, and Tala waited on pins and needles, demanding a whispered "say something!" when he remained silent and shocked.
He had prepared a general reply for this situation. But it felt wooden and stupid now. He was abruptly too emotional to even say it with a steady voice. But he had to. "It's like I said way back when," he managed. "One way underground, one way above." Meaning she could do what she wanted and he'd never breathe a word about how much it killed him, either. At the end of the day, he did mean this: "You deserve happiness. Someone who can look you in the eyes." And kriff, he wished it was him who could do that. And this: "Kiss you." The way his voice broke on those two words betrayed his thoughts.
Tala's urgency flared, and suddenly it was like they were right back in the same dilemma on Ord's ship years ago when they'd finally been honest with each other. This was a continuation of the same conversation. "Din—" she begged, coming closer and making him tense up in both fear and desire. "You said the reason we couldn't be together years ago was that you'd end up breaking the Creed. Well what if you did and no one but us ever knew?" The intensity in her eyes shocked him, the way she meant it and clearly wanted it. "No one but us would ever have to know!"
It had been years since that conversation and he'd given her every reason to give up on him. "You still think about that?" he asked in a near-whisper, disbelief and love making him ache. Me too, his heart cried. Her expression suggested hurt at his question. An unspoken of course I kriffing do. And instantly, Din was just as vulnerable as she was. She still felt how he did. And that killed him yet made him more alive at the same time. It occurred to him how easy it would be to simply seize his helmet in two hands and lift. A simple, small physical gesture was all it would take. His hands felt like they vibrated with energy asking him to do just that even as his heart beat so hard in his chest he could feel his throat echoing the beats. He forced himself to refuse any indulgence in fantasizing about it—he was too fragile. "Tal—" he begged, a nickname he'd only used for her a few times and always by accident in a giveaway of how tenderly he thought of her. "I couldn't live in dishonesty like that. It would kill me to know the truth!"
"Doesn't this kill you?" she asked almost angrily, eyes searching his deeply—and he was the only one who knew that the eye contact was happening. He couldn't believe how much emotion and feeling was in her voice. Emotion and feeling he'd thought his emotional absence would remove. But she still felt the way he did. "Why can't they make exceptions?" she demanded, making his heart break and mend anew. The exact thing he wanted to know too. "I'm your wife aren't I?"
Words he melted to hear and wanted to be true so badly. It came out of his mouth without thought. "Not until you say so."
Utter surprise showed. "'Until'?"
Din flushed, realizing his misspeak. He swallowed with a dry and sticky throat. "…Unless."
Frustrated, hurting, and vulnerable, Tala pressed. "What is it you want?" she implored fiercely, chancing a step closer and hands on the crooks of his arms. "Tell me. Please."
His own breathing was so loud in his ears as his pulse thundered. His fingers itched to reach out and grasp her. His body craved to move into her space. His mind obsessed on the thought of him taking off the contraption on his head, seeing the look on her face when their eyes truly met for the first time, and the inevitably of the kiss Din had been wanting to give for what felt like a lifetime now. He shook his head, a physical action to knock the thoughts out of his brain. "What I want is impossible," he said hoarsely, experiencing extreme distress over how much so. All he could do was repeat the law that governed his life: "Mandalorians do not remove their helmets."
Tala's expression showed growing resentment. "Is Kal-Bruna still a Mandalorian in your eyes?" The sharply asked question created a shocked silence for Din, who couldn't answer. For a moment, her anger continued to burn before it softened into a plea. "The Creed deprives loved ones of knowing your emotions. Your fears, your joys. A smile. A tear." Her voice wavered, dipped, and broke. "A kiss." Din's breath caught and for a moment, something hovered tensely between the two of them. When he said nothing, Tala's voice rose in desperation. "What could be so wrong about a face?"
Din's heart so wanted to answer her questions. He wanted to hold her close and soothe away the pain he was inflicting. But he knew doing that would only make things more difficult for both of them. As such, he dragged the hardest words out of himself he ever had. They were soft and weak on his voice. "I'm sorry. I… can never give you what you want." Saying it out loud broke his heart. His voice softened like hers had—into a miserable whisper. "He can."
Shock swam in those dark eyes of hers. Eyes he would do anything in the galaxy for. In a broken whisper that slipped out of her mouth like a forlorn prayer against the cold air, Tala's deepest truth came: "Din, I don't want him! I want you!"
There it was. What he'd already known, spoken out loud in Basic where he couldn't deny it or pretend they were just friends. Love and despair pitted in his throat. Every fiber of his body strained for her, to tell her I want you too! More than anything! And he almost did. "I know," he breathed out of a closing throat. "I—" He hovered then withdrew, realizing he was in dangerous territory and so easily too. He had to commit to being removed or he was screwed. Still. He was gentle and tender when he could finally find words. "You and I are pretty good at getting ourselves into complicated situations, aren't we?" In his eyes, he felt tears gathering. In his chest, a knotting tension intensifying. But he said it anyway: "Be with him. Someday this'll all just be a sore memory for us."
She was about to cry. "Din—"
He was harsher than he meant to be because he was about to lose it too. "Tala, please!" That was just how much despair he felt. Trying to steady his racing breath, Din shook his head and got a handle on himself. "We can't. I can't." How could he make her understand? Agonized, he was emphatic and finally spoke to what he'd realized he'd watched her do these past few years: "Don't spend any more of your life waiting around for me." And then he forced out a lie. "This is good," he said, hating the bitter words on his tongue. "Joza is good. Okay?"
With disgust and pain filling her face, Tala's features slammed into a glare and she brushed past hard, storming off.
He found her crying quietly just outside of the covert, pressed into a wall in the quiet alley. She looked over her shoulder at him through red eyes as he hesitated, in pain to see her in pain. He felt so cruel. And he hurt with her. He couldn't not approach. He couldn't not softly touch her shoulder. "I know," he soothed anxiously, pain clenching him as his gloved hand brushed her arm tenderly. "You know I know."
She turned wordlessly, hugging him tightly and shaking her head no, even though he could see that she was accepting it despite how much it hurt. He held her close because it might be for the last time. Fuck it hurt, because she felt so right in his embrace. "Just promise not to leave my life again," she whispered, allowing vulnerability through the pain.
Din shook his head immediately, wishing so badly he could explain. That she could see the look on his face because it matched hers: agony, sorrow, resistance to this terrible reality. "Never," he promised wholeheartedly even though he knew it would hurt like hell. "I'm here. No matter what happens." His heart felt broken. This felt so final. And he felt indescribably cruel. Guilty. An awful person. "Do you hate me?" he asked weakly, truly needing to know if this changed everything.
But it didn't. Maybe nothing ever would. She pulled back, lingering halfway in his arms. He saw love in her eyes despite the pain. She shook her head. "No." Allowing himself one last tenderness, Din wiped tears away with a gloved thumb regretfully. Love wasn't a big enough word, he realized.
"I really am sorry," he breathed through his own silent tears. To find such a connection and be forced to let it remain unrealized. Diluted.
She considered him with a pained fondness, understanding, resistance, and acceptance. All at once. "I know you are. I am too."
How the hell did he always end up loving her more? It burned in him, an unquenchable fire he would never see die out. Knowing that, all Din could do was make this very solemn vow. "Listen. If he kriffs with you at all, in any way—ever—he's a dead man."
Studying him with dejected eyes, Tala finally gave a slow nod. After a moment more, she pulled out of his arms with downcast eyes. "Guess I better get going."
He didn't want her to. And she clearly didn't want to either. But with the bravery he knew she was made of, she stood a little taller, gave him a courageous smile through the tears, then walked away. She did not look back. Din watched her leave, trying not to think of Joza kissing her. Touching her. And more. It should be me, Din's confused spirit insisted. But it wasn't.
Later That Year
After that day when Tala told Din about the kiss and he responded the way he did, she came to the heavy conclusion that it was time to finally admit to herself that the man in the helmet would never change. He made an exception for Kal-Bruna but never would for himself. Tala would never see his face, or look into his eyes, or put a hand to his cheek. Never kiss his mouth. Never know what color his eyes were. The closest she would ever come was seeing that head of shaggy brown hair for a span of mere seconds, in a moment stolen all those hazy years ago.
This was just it for her. It was time to stop dreaming the dream she'd had of Din.
… But of course she didn't. Instead, months dragged by where life just felt… odd. Blurry. Not whole. Tala felt like a shadow and didn't know how she felt or what she wanted besides Din. It was a confusing time that left her hollow. She withdrew from Joza briefly and told him she wasn't sure about taking their relationship to a physical level. This was the first time she saw a spark of frustration and hurt from him. But still, he came around and found ways to brighten her day, mutually distracting her from her pain around Din and adding to it somehow. After about four more months of indecision with Joza, one night thanks to some Alderaanian wine and a good time together plus the hunger for feeling loved that only grew worse with every day Din remained at arms' length, Tala let Joza kiss her again. It led to more—much more—and a rite of passage in life that had long eluded Tala came and went. She didn't tell him it was her first time. And she didn't tell him that she didn't really get anything out of it (to put it politely) either.
Afterward, laying naked underneath covers as Joza fell asleep, Tala studied his ceiling with a tense face. She'd been doing her best not to think about him during everything that had happened. But still, she had. And she was thinking about him now too… feeling disappointment to her bones. As much as she tried not to think the thought, she thought it all the same: It was supposed to have been Din. How confusing and painful. Her eyes tugged sidelong at Joza and she thought about how wrong it was to be dating someone while wanting someone else. Maybe the curse of loving Din would just follow her forever. And honestly… she didn't want to not love him. More confusion whirled. She slipped out of bed and dressed then went home, feeling strange. This wasn't what a relationship was supposed to be like, was it?
The next days came and went and Tala tried to find herself while with the man who soon began to call her his girlfriend. In some moments, she felt a little happiness and comfort, but it never lasted. Her heart and mind always strayed to the one she really wanted: the mysterious man clad in armor who had saved her life, captured her heart, and been an anchor in her life for a startling sum of nearly thirteen years now. Guilt filled her. She had betrayed him. Or at least her feelings for him. But she stayed with Joza, trying to somehow beat her feelings into submission.
Two Months Later
4ABY
Tala learned some very shocking news via an impersonal news broadcast: thanks to the war being waged across the galaxy, Vorians had finally been given opportunity and staged an uprising. Her surviving brothers were assassinated in the revolution. And while that was a good thing, it still hurt. Having never breathed a word about her true identity to Joza, she was unable to explain the way she shut down or the strange distress she was experiencing. In the middle of work at Kizzo's the day after she found out, the Razor Crest returned to the airfield. Din came to the shop and only said heavily, "I heard."
When Joza happened upon them embracing—Tala crying confused and hurt tears as the Mandalorian was gentle with her in an emotionally intimate way—he assumed what many men might. He stormed off then showed up later at her place and picked a fight, accusing her of all kinds of untrue things. Incredibly distraught, she made him leave and spent the night agonizing and wishing Din was there.
The next day was the day that the second Death Star was destroyed by the Rebellion, ending the Empire's reign of terror. Small last-stand skirmishes broke out across the galaxy… including on Nevarro.
Yesterday had been peaceful. Today, Nevarro was under siege. The last of the Tie Fighters from the local base were above the city in dog fights with X-Wings that had come from nowhere. Confusion and chaos, screams and panic filled the air as Din raced through the streets toward Kizzo's as overhead, screaming whines of multiple fighters harmonized with the sounds of heavy artillery. Tala was going underground with him now, like it or not.
Din rounded a corner at a full run and froze when he saw her with Joza in front of Kizzo's—arguing intensely. Joza was holding her arm as she tugged away and shouted something at him. What the hell? Din bristled, ready to commit murder even as Joza let her go and threw his arms up angrily and quarreled with a very ugly look on his face. Mother kriffer. Din began to stride that way even as someone shouted "incoming!" A flaming, spiraling X-Wing was screaming downward straight at the city center. It bombed into the street ahead of Din, throwing him off his feet from the ground-shaking impact. The smoking fighter skidded into Kizzos's shop, causing incredible destruction. Overhead, intense laserfire continued.
Din got to his feet, frantic because he couldn't see Tala anymore and she'd been standing far too close to where the fiery X-Wing now smoldered. He ran through the dusty chaos, screaming her name.
He saw Joza first, who was knocked out with no visible injuries—a yard away from him, too close to the crash was a crumpled heap on the ground. Tala. With sickening adrenaline the likes of which he'd never experienced before Din skidded to her on his knees and turned her over, terrified that she was dead. She was alive but injured badly—bleeding profusely from a life-threatening gash on her side and multiple other wounds from debris. Her hands clutched into him weakly as shocked eyes stared up at him. "Din…" she choked, blinking woozily in a way that petrified him.
Din gathered her up in his arms, trying to remember where the town clinic was—that's how jolted and scared he was. "We gotta get you to medical," he heard himself pant.
She grabbed into the crook of his elbow, a place that wasn't armored. Her speech was slurred. "No… my… my medicine. I haven't been able to get any for weeks—no one has any—"
Din's stomach dropped out from his body as his horror intensified. "What?! Why didn't you tell me?!"
She didn't explain. She just gave a weak sound of pain. "I'm gonna die. For real this time." Her eyes looked up into his with a fullness that said she knew she only had moments. Slender fingers curled around the edge of his chest plate as fearful finality played in her eyes. "Din, I—"
He gruffly shut her down. "Save your goodbyes, you're not dying." And he would make kriffing sure of it, too. With a single focus in his mind, he clutched her securely, rose to his feet, and began to run down the dusty, chaotic street toward the clinic with one thought behind every beat of his heart: Save Tala.
Author's Notes: hey everyone, thank you all for your patience and graciousness. As some of you know, I had to step away from writing for some time due to the unexpected and tragic death of a loved one. My life is still adjusting and will be for years. While this is truly the hardest and most painful time in my life, the story of Din and Tala provides SUCH a nice little comfort to escape into. Thank you so so much for all your support. Let me know your thoughts on this newest part :) things are about to get GOOD for our couple and I can barely stand the wait!
While we're on the subject of waiting: Updates will be slower from now on since the loss I sustained has changed my living situation. I'm hoping the quality of my writing doesn't suffer too much (my mental clarity is impacted!). Please send me well wishes. But mostly, reviews of the story make me suuuper happy so bring those on. Love hearing how people receive the story and plot points. Thank you and may the Force be with us as Mandala continues to torture the shit outta us haha. Happy Holidays, all. See you next year!