Spoils of War

Episode XVII: Din's Decision

The last things Tala remembered: the enormous crash and heat of sudden fire; tremendous pain as impact threw her to the ground. Blood in her mouth, blood on her shaking hands when she briefly could find a way to lift and glimpse them through jarred vision. Oh no, was the single thought that turned her to ice inside. She knew what no one else did: she'd run out of formithrin almost four weeks ago and because of trade restrictions and the war, finding it had been impossible. So Tala had just hoped for the best. Now she had found herself in the worst. Her mind zapped terror into her like a needle: I'm going to die. And then Din had come out of nowhere, panic in his voice. He'd said things to her, she'd said things to him. Nothing she could remember, except that she'd told him she was dying. Afterward, her memory became more primal and one-note: Hard jostling as she was carried somewhere at a run. Her cheek pressed against the hard chest plate. Her shuddering, panicked breaths loud in her ears as consciousness faded. No, I still have so much to do! The last thought she'd had. And then she died.

Or at least that's what she thought.

As a steady beeping sound and ambient bustle faded in, absolute confusion descended.

Arms. My arms hurt.

I'm alive?

How's that even possible?

Bleary, crusty sealed eyes ached open, finding a squat stone ceiling above.

Huh?

"Welcome back!" came an oddly familiar voice, and Tala turned her aching neck a fraction to locate the source.

"…Zigs?" she croaked out with confusion, taking in the med outfit he wore with incomprehension before she remembered that the former Exchange clerk was now a medic in training.

"The one and only," he joked kindly, giving her a soft pat. They'd always shared a friendly, fun acquaintance relationship. "I bet you're pretty sore from all the treatments you needed," he said. "You've been under for two days now."

Her eyes went wide. "Two days?" Tala attempted to rise to sit, then grimaced and groaned in brief pain. How was that possible? She should be dead without formithrin.

Zigs had moved quickly to hold her in place gently. "Hey hey, don't move, you can't move too much yet."

Tala took herself and her surroundings in with a snatched, discombobulated way. She recognized this place as Nevarro's clinic, but it was more cram-packed than usual. Sequestered in a small exam room with a glimpse into the halls, Tala began to notice the medtubes hooked into her arms, the feeling of weakness and soreness from head to toe. Her body had been through a huge ordeal and she could feel it. She tried to figure her miraculous survival out and couldn't come up with an explanation. "…How the hell am I alive?"

Zigs attended to a few things around her as he explained. "Well—your mysterious Mandalorian friend ran you in here, disappeared, then ran back in moments later with enough formithrin to save ten people. Ha, yep, my eyes were bulging just like yours are when he showed up with that haul. Apparently, he's been sitting on a hoard of it for a few years. Which is very lucky, huh, with the shortage." Tala had no words. Only increasing disbelief. "You're gonna be just fine," Zigs promised. "After a couple more days of feeling terrible, of course."

Terrible was putting it mildly. It felt like a bad virus had a hold on her and like she'd been run over a few times. But alive was alive. Thank the stars. Just as she began to relax, the next worry rose. Tala attempted to peer out of a small nearby window but couldn't make out a thing. "Is the city destroyed? What happened, anyway?" It had been so sudden.

"Nah, city's not destroyed. Apparently there was a battle up there and some of it bled down. A little damage, nothing too bad—biggest victim was Kizzo's. Half the place is gone. It's gonna be closed for months to get fixed—if he even decides to do that." Zigs grimaced sympathetically at the look on Tala's face, then reality-checked her. "About twenty deaths. Was almost twenty-one." His dark eyes studied her briefly, implying she was very lucky to have made it and ought to maintain some perspective. Then he smiled brightly and jerked his head to indicate something unseen but nearby. "Well, he's waiting very impatiently for the all-clear to come see you. Ready for visitors?"

He who? Zigs stepped out and motioned someone over. Tala's heart leaped with relief and brimmed with instant emotion when she saw who it was. Din. The sight of him melted her, abruptly reminding her of how close she had come to death. It was terrifying, in fact. Yet again if not for this man, she wouldn't be here! Emotion hit like a tidal wave as he wasted no time, surprising her with how he immediately sat very close on the tiny bed while facing her and reaching a hand to tenderly take the side of her head. Like he was confirming that she was okay and telling her how scared he'd been all at the same time. A shuddering exhale could be heard under the helmet. "I was really starting to worry," he choked out huskily. It felt like he was physically holding back from sweeping her into an embrace.

Leaning into his touch and lifting a hand to grasp his arm, she stared at the mask between him and her with mystified, teary eyes. "You stockpiled formithrin. Why?" Who would think to do that, and why had she never thought about it until it had been too late?

Din made a soft little sound—something like a relieved laugh. For a moment they just stayed like that: his gloved hand on her head, a thumb brushing softly and conveying something his words didn't say. His tone did though: hoarse and low, he could have been about to cry. "…Someone really important to me needs it sometimes. I didn't like the idea of not having it just in case."

He had never mentioned a single thing about this. It was hard to know whether to laugh or cry. "How many more times are you gonna save my life?" Tala asked with a weak, confused laugh.

It sounded like he was smiling through emotion. "Don't tell me you hold it against me." His hand left her head reluctantly and she reached out to catch hold of it, then let their joined hands settle across her lap. Holding onto him made her feel safer. His fingers squeezed lightly and briefly. "You feeling okay?" he asked, worry making his voice tight.

Tala grinned. "No, I feel awful! Which means I'm still alive." She had a second chance. After a moment of beaming, she was hit by intense urgency to do all the things she still had a chance to do—the things she had been avoiding for years now. For now, she pushed these musings away. Getting better had to come first. Sighing and sinking back into her pillows, her mind began to ease and her body began to calm as she understood how she had survived. Her eyes studied Din, who she missed more than words could say. It was insanity, but she longed for him just as much as she always had. "What would I do without you?" she asked softly, voice taking on a tinge of mourning.

A soft chuckle came from under the helmet. "Let's hope we never have to find out."

Tala smiled back—then jolted as she realized she'd completely forgotten about someone until just now. Well, shavit. Guilt crept in; that ugly, slinking feeling that always made her feel small. Delicately to not be obvious, she cleared her throat with eyes lowered. "So where's… um, where's Joza?"

Din's energy changed. First came a gruff pause then a terse, "At work." Reluctance then bitterness played. "He's… he's strongly convinced something's going on between you and me."

Tala's ears began to burn as she remembered the fight just before her injury. Joza yet again had been demanding to know what had happened between her and Din; why the Mandalorian had been holding her as she cried in Kizzo's shop a day or two ago. Ugh. "Yeah, I know," she muttered avoidantly before her eyes shot a fraction wider. Wait. How did Din know that? She hadn't told him. Her concerned eyes rose. "…Did something happen?"

His silence was telling as his hand scrubbed absently at the back of his neck. "Uh…" With a sag of his shoulders, Din exhaled in embarrassed defeat. "Yeah, you could say that."

Two Days Ago

"Until you boys can keep it down, stay out of the clinic! This is no place for arguing like that!" Zigs glared at the two he'd just ejected from the clinic, his cheeks blazing and temper stoked. The medic-in-training whirled hotly and marched back into the building, door hissing shut behind.

Joza was already advancing on Din chest-first. "Look, I don't know what the hell you two have going on but I deserve to know if I'm being cheated on!"

Din was appalled and disgusted, not to mention fuming that Joza's badgering had gotten them kicked out. "That's what you're worried about right now?" He angrily turned his back, intent on ignoring this ridiculous moron who wasn't worried about the right thing: Tala's life.

Joza grabbed his shoulder and tugged. "Answer me!"

Din yanked away with a burst of fury and whirled, barging into Joza's space. "Why were you pulling on her before the impact?! What was that about, huh?!"

The prick of fear in Joza's eyes was outweighed by pride and insecurity. "None of your business, now tell me what's going on with you two!"

Din rolled his eyes and exhaled with loathing, turning to walk off by a few feet again. "Will you relax? You have nothing to worry about."

Joza followed hotly. "Oh no? That helmet of yours doesn't hide the way you feel about her. Then I turn up at the shop and see you holding her like that?"

It was wrong but Din did feel a twinge—okay, a surge—of satisfaction as he folded his arms and turned with deliberate slowness. Yes. He'd held and consoled her as she'd cried out her brief confusion, grief, and joy about the assassinations of her brothers and the liberation of Vorus. Din stood solid. "That was just a friend comforting a friend."

Joza's jealousy peaked. "I'm supposed to do that, not you! Back off!" He charged into Din's space again, flinging a shaking finger to point in Tala's general direction. "That's my girlfriend, not yours! Understand?"

Patience was beginning to become very hard to find, and all the resentment Din had been sitting on for what felt like ages now boiled out of him. Joza had been someone he disliked before today. After seeing this little weasel prioritize his ego over Tala's health status and put his hands on her, he was now officially on Din's radar in a way no one in the galaxy would want to be.

"Understand this." Din pressed into Joza's space hard and growled out the truest threat he'd ever spoken. "If you touch her like that ever again, they'll never find your body." He let the prickling silence hang. Joza clearly took a couple of mental steps back as he remembered who he was yelling at: one of the most fearsome and successful bounty hunters in the godsdamned galaxy. Din trembled, hating this man—but hating himself more for letting Tala go. "I would die for her. I would do anything to keep her safe. While you'd put your hands on her and scream at her in the street." He regretted everything he'd ever done and felt sick. "Coward."

A barking laugh of rage came. "Coward? You're the coward. Hiding behind all that armor. Face me like a man, toe to toe, then we'll talk. Now get the hell outta here."

Din's blood pressure was rising. "I'm not leaving."

Joza's anger increased. "I said leave."

Gloves creaked as Din clenched his fists at his side. "Don't tell me what to do, little boy."

Insulted disbelief ran across the club owner's face. "Little boy?"

It came out of his mouth easily in a gruff snap: "You don't deserve her!"

Disdain and amusement came onto Joza's face. "What, and you do?!"

Incensed because he knew he didn't, Din shoved Joza hard with a shout of rage. Thus ensued quite the brawl in the street right outside of the clinic.

Present Day

Speechless, Tala stared as Din finished explaining what had happened, then cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yeah, so. That's what happened." Of course, he'd left out the details of what had been said exactly, but she didn't know that. All she knew was that Din had lost it after all the accusations and it ended with a bloody, bruised, bacta-tank-bound Joza who hadn't shown his face around here since. Not even once to check on Tala's status.

Maybe he asked around town about how I am to avoid Din, she reasoned uneasily. It bothered her, but so did so many things about the relationship with Joza. As far as Din's actions, she didn't know how she felt. Mostly, she trusted Din in the way he handled things… and hell, she'd almost beat Joza's ass yesterday too. She just didn't believe that intimate partners should touch each other in such a way, which is why she'd only pulled away from his continued attempts to yank her and keep her in place.

As if he'd known they were talking about him, the man himself entered—and he was not calm or rational. Joza was on defensive and attack mode, reacting very poorly to the sight of Din sitting on Tala's bed. "Why is he here?" He gawked at Tala with insulted disbelief. "Did you ask for him first?!"

Din stood, visibly bristling. "I was here first because I never left, you useless piece of—"

"D—" Tala barely caught herself before she said his name. "Mando. Stop. Please." With reluctance he did. Both men looked at Tala, and with a swallowing gulp, she realized she was going to have to talk her upset boyfriend down. She eyed Din and hoped he understood. "I uh—I think Joza and I need a moment or two. If you could go wait outside."

The silence was thick and tense. Then Din backed off, but not without unwillingness. "All right." With a couple of warning helmet turns at Joza and plenty of backward looks over his shoulder, the Mandalorian exited as requested.

Joza rounded on Tala with vengeance, not even asking if she was ready to have an intense conversation. A pointed finger went jabbing in Din's direction. "How is it that you are the only person in town with some kind of relationship with him, huh? The only person in town who can tell him to do something and he instantly does it? What is that? Why did he have your medicine stockpiled, medicine for a thing I didn't even know you had! All this after I see him consoling you in a way you've never let me console you. About something you won't tell me about! Just be honest. You're having some kind of… affair with him, aren't you?" Tala opened her mouth to say no but Joza was already continuing his rant. He'd clearly been obsessing. "I can't do this anymore Tala. I don't know what issues you're taking out on me, but I've had it. Living in another man's shadow? I can't do it anymore." His face took on a pleading quality. "Please, just stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying," Tala gritted out insistently, finding this timing extremely inconsiderate. "He and I do not have a relationship like that. We're friends, and that's it."

Joza was defiant and scoffing. He folded his arms. "Okay so then maybe you're lying to yourself. Can you really look at me and tell me straight out that you don't have feelings for him?"

Tala chilled, eyes falling away. She picked at a loose thread on one of the blankets enveloping her lower body. "Can we not talk about this later?"

Joza had a very gentle and sweet side, but it was nowhere to be found today. "No. Answer me." At her resentful stare, he curtly offered another suggestion. "All right, then what about your feelings for me?"

Tala's composure snapped. "Joza, I almost just died! Do we really have to do this now?!" Couldn't he see how terrible she felt from appearance alone? She couldn't even sit up without assistance at the moment for kriff's sake! What was wrong with this guy?

"Your feelings for me," Joza insisted, then grew dismayed and angry at the continued silence. "Why can't you respond?"

With a hard exhale and a quick shut of the eyes, Tala realized what he was asking for was fair enough. Maybe it was time to admit it to herself too by saying it all out loud. There had been increasing problems in what should have been a new, exciting relationship. Tala knew why. She'd always known why. And trying to force herself to have feelings for Joza—hell, for anyone—was not going to work. She had known she should have ended things for a while now. Or never started them at all. Swallowing a sick feeling, Tala reflected somberly for a moment.

Her eyes opened finally. "Do you remember that time you said you feel like I'm always just out of reach?" she murmured, lingering on the memories where she withdrew, pulled back, and avoided Joza. "I do care about you," she clarified truthfully before becoming apologetic and pained. "But you're right. Not about involvement. Just… I…" Her voice had very little strength, fear closing her throat as she said the truth that had been hurting her and would now hurt Joza too. Her voice was a mere whisper. "… You're right. I… I do love him. And I have for years." She gave a choked shudder. Her eyes had been staring blankly into sightless distance for that time. Now, they found his. Both sets were full of pain as Tala realized it out loud: "I've been using you to try and forget him." It clicked in her mind and scared her: "Sometimes I resent you for not being him." As the realizations of her actions and subconscious motivations hit home, self-horror came. Her hands slowly made their way to cover her mouth. "What's wrong with me? I should never have been in a relationship with you. I don't know what I was thinking!" Tears came as humiliation consumed. "I'm so sorry."

Injured, Joza exhaled his incredulity hard and short. "Wow." Coldness filled his face and voice as he cut off all emotion. His voice went hard. "Don't ever come back to the club. You're not welcome anymore."

"What?!" Tala reacted in shock by trying to sit and experiencing a harsh wave of pain accompanied by a pathetic cry of pain. "You can't ban me like that!"

He'd already turned on his heel. His response came unfeelingly as he exited. "I just did."

With tears in her eyes and disbelief echoing throughout her nervous system, a crestfallen Tala slowly sank back into her pillows, overwhelmed by loss. Kizzo's, the sparring club, Joza—her work, her hobby, her boyfriend. Only one thought clanged around in her head. I am really an awful, selfish, useless person. The feeling of absolute aloneness and hopelessness drowned her mind deeply. Her life was in pieces on the floor.

Joza stormed out of the clinic like a dark cloud. From where he waited across the street in an alley with a foot tapping constantly, the Mandalorian watched with an ugly look on his face behind the mask he wore. Idiot. Din went back into the clinic and down the short hall where a few others were still recovering from the raid. When he entered Tala's little room, he came up short at what he saw. Her face had shining ribbons of tears streaking downward and her features were twisted up into deeply distraught hurt.

Instantly, Din was upset again. "What did he say to you?" he asked in disbelief, then found himself rumbling out a curse. "Shabuir." Tala shut her eyes and hung her head, shaking it sadly. Din had a hard time not running out the door after Joza to kick his ass for a second time. Instead, he let himself slowly draw nearer to bed. Obviously, Joza had just run his mouth some more. Predictable. "Look, I've got lots of opinions I'm gonna keep to myself about him. But just say the word, Tala."

Teary, near-defiant eyes looked up at him. "And what, you'll kill him?"

Din maintained gentle firmness. He got the impression that she needed some comfort. "Anything you ask, I'll do it." And he meant that too.

Inexplicably (until she spoke anyway), Tala turned churlish. "Oh yeah? Then take that helmet off." Well kriff. She hadn't made a comment like that in years and it instantly made him swallow hard and thick. He was sure his expression would have been a dead giveaway, but she remained unaware of his reaction. A forlorn sigh came from her as she worked her hands in her lap, which made the connected tubes shiver softly. "We broke up," she explained, hurt making her voice waver. Empathy for the pain he could hear made Din sigh, even though yes—he was glad to hear that relationship was over. Just not glad to hear her suffering. It hurt him to realize she really must have had some feelings for that dwanghopper. But what kind of guy broke up with a girl while she was laid up in bed, anyway?

"I feel so lost in this world sometimes, Din," Tala continued in a whisper that rose to a sudden choked declaration of mounting terror. "I'm a terrible person! What am I doing with my life? What am I gonna do? Kizzo's is destroyed, probably all my tools, Joza said I can't go to the sparring club anymore—" She shut her eyes hard miserably, near tears.

Din held himself back from getting into bed and scooping her into his arms—which was exactly what everything inside of him said to do. Instead he hovered, feeling useless. "Hey, come on—let's get you better first before we get existential, huh?" But he did want to know more about what she'd said about the sparring club. Later. He just concentrated on calming her down, awkwardly touching a shoulder which didn't feel like enough. "We'll figure it out," he insisted meaningfully. "There's nothing we can't get through. I'm with you." She looked at him with misgivings. He rubbed her shoulder once, became awkward and thanked the helmet for hiding it, then carried on in the same tone so she didn't know how he was feeling. "You really need all the rest you can get. Body's still mending and they told me you're gonna need a couple more days to get up and at 'em. No more missing your meds, okay?"

Reluctant, beautiful, considering eyes studied the front of his helmet. She looked like she felt very lonely and sad. And that broke his heart. "I'll do my best."

Din wished he could take all her problems away. He felt so powerless and had such an urge to help. "You hungry? Need anything?"

Hesitation showed. "Well, some company wouldn't be too bad…" she mused, then quickly shut herself down, trying to sound like she'd changed her mind. "You're probably busy. And I should just try and get some sleep."

Din knew why she had her guard up. He'd been pushing her away for a while now. But after holding her in his arms as she sped toward death, after watching her in a bacta tank enduring two simultaneous rounds of emergency formithrin treatments, after he'd spent two sleepless days fearing that he would lose her… it had all become a lot simpler: him, her, the Creed, the helmet. He'd realized some things. And he didn't really know how to say much about all that (plus, now wasn't the time) so he took a deep breath, talked himself out of it, then did it anyway: climbed into the bed with her and laid beside her, shoulder to shoulder. Then when they looked at each other in unplanned tandem, she shifted to turn to him, he mirrored her and they found a gentle embrace with her face in his chest.

Quiet, she breathed against him quicker than before. "I'm here," he whispered hoarsely, not sure what else to say—if he started, he might not stop. Her face was buried somewhere in his chest. Yes you're here. But here to what end? That's what he imagined her thinking. And he had an answer: Forever. He was here forever. Once the Joza thing had worn off, once she had gotten over him… Din was going to do what he should have done years ago: tell her he couldn't live without her anymore, take off the helmet, and let the cards fall where they may.

Nerves singing and stomach churning, Din briefly shifted, pulling the blanket between them so that she was padded from his armor. Anxiety built as he thought about how the hell he was going to do the thing he'd spent a lifetime vowing never to do.

He braced himself. All right. Okay. You'll be fine.

And then he started to sweat. Kriff. Shit. Fuck.

If he did this. When he did this—it would change everything. Disaster scenarios played in his mind. The thought of looking someone in the eye without his helmet was panic-inducing. He could imagine Tala recoiling in sudden aversion to his face when she realized he wasn't attractive. He could conjure a scene of her rejecting him. He imagined the Tribe finding out and labeling him an apostate. Kriff! He tried to slow his racing pulse. He was doing it. He'd already decided. But how? When? Well I can't do it on Nevarro, can I? The Tribe will see somehow. What an irrational thought! But it came into his mind anyway.

Tala gave a contented but exhausted sigh, and the thoughts dissipated in favor of returning his focus to the here and now. For tonight, Din had to just be in the moment. The rest would come soon… if he didn't wimp out. He gingerly pulled back enough so that they could look at each other, and after a long moment of resisting, he helplessly cupped her face in a gloved hand that allowed his hand to feel nothing. He burned to feel her skin to his. Her curious but wary eyes searched the strip of his visor. If not for the damn dome on his head, he was sure this moment would have ended in a kiss. His body ached in response to the thought.

One day at a time, Djarin.

After a long pause, she snuggled her head back into his chest. Nothing more was said. Shortly after, they both fell asleep.

A Few Days Later

A dusty breeze sighed over the debris-riddled wreckage that used to be Kizzo's shop. Perched with slumped shoulders on a duracrate that had survived the collapse of the roof, sunlight kissed the tops of Tala's shoulders and the crown of her head. The rubble stretching out underfoot felt personal. Everything did. Joza's decision to ban her from Hapa's was definitely personal.

Romy hadn't reported in for weeks now—and yesterday, Tala had heard a rumor that the famed smuggler was in the Rebellion. What if she'd died in the melee? How would they ever even find out?

Stress built. Pressure built. Tala had retreated into a somber state ever since she'd woken up after thinking she had died. The world felt different now. Everything felt more unrelenting. More real.

Her mind returned a lot to when Din climbed into bed with her and held her close. She had been hinging hope on moments like that for years but facts were facts: the man she truly loved would always be out of reach. He'd been clear with her more than enough times.

Haunted, Tala's mind went to where it so often did: her sisters, who lived imprisoned in their own lives across the galaxy while Tala used her freedom to do what? Nothing as important as saving them could be.

Being so close to death had left her with a lot of conviction. A lot of decision. The biggest one: I'm leaving Nevarro.

The home she had loved for years. The place where the people she helped lived. Guilt about the Tribe rose and she quickly talked herself out of remorse. They'll find someone else, it's not like what I do for them is irreplicable. Besides, with the Empire gone now and the base abandoned, it'll be safer. Paz can take my place, maybe. I'll give them my notice and do one last delivery. That would be in two weeks.

Nearby, someone was walking up. Tala eyed sidelong with faint interest, then sat a little straighter.

Din picked up a busted gridflam and turned the bent, useless thing over in a hand before he tossed it over a shoulder. "Well." He folded his arms and looked her way. "Looks like you might have time to join me."

At first, she didn't hear him. Then it registered and she turned her head to squint up at him. "Join you?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I need to get away." He sounded sort of awkward. "And uh… I'd like you to come with me. If you want."

How abnormal. Tala tried to follow. "… On a job?"

"On a fishing trip."

A very incredulous look slid his way. "… You fish?"

"There's still a lot you don't know about me." A soft smile was audible in his voice.

A smile grew on her face too as the idea took root in her head. Yes. Everything inside unexpectedly and instantly said yes. "Well, I'll plan to find out more on this fishing trip then." The smile faded as she realized this would be their sendoff. Din just didn't know it yet. Soon he would. But not before they made some good, potentially last memories together wherever it was he went fishing. She knew better than to hope for anything to happen between them, but she still kind of did. Her heart just didn't know how to not hope. Him holding her all night floated back through her mind yet again.

Stop that, she scolded herself. With a clearing of the throat and a restrengthening of her smile, Tala put it to the back of her mind where it couldn't torture her and stood up. "When do we leave?"

Author's Note: Shorter chapter this time! I feel like something huge is right around the corner, how 'bout you lot? ;)

Look up the song "Helios" by Scott Buckley on YouTube. It's a major Mandala vibe.