Hi guys! Are you okay? I hope so! Thanks for all the reviews.
Two, almost three, months later. I am so sorry for how late this chapter is in comparison to how frequently I was posting. This chapter is one of the most difficult to write because I had an idea, I wrote and the following day or the same day later, I got frustrated over the quality, changed my mind, and wrote another thing or added an aspect but then it wasn't matching and making sense with the rest…Jesus, it was crazy. When I realized, I had five versions in the same document and then I was picking the best ones that I like the most and matched them into one. Next time, I will open a poll with the versions and it's up to you to choose ok? Kkkkkkkk
Remember that I said I dislocated my shoulder? I'm recovered, I returned to practice gym and PE without physiotherapy! Sometimes he aches because of the movement I have done but I'm doing fine.
My lover rescue hero is over. Thanks, JayJayJay555 for sending that amazing plot last year and writing with me fourteen chapters of that story, I loved it. Also, thanks to everyone who read and commented along the same fourteen chapters, the source of motivation it gives is indescribable and wonderful. If you have never read it, I assure you it's not a waste of time. I'm super excited about the sequence, am I the only one?
Explanation of terms:
Fetish: the deviation of sexual interest for some parts of the partner's body, for some physiological function, for unusual scenarios or locations, for simulation costumes or clothes, adornment, etc.
Urophilia: popularized as "golden rain" or "golden shower", is the pleasure to urinate or receive the partner's urinary jet in the body, including in the mouth.
Coprophilia: popularized as "brown rain", is the sexual pleasure due to evacuating someone or entering into contact with the partner's feces.
Salirophilia: popularized as "silver rain", is the fetish for saliva and sweat, which can include being licked, lick, or spat on during the sexual act.
Trigger warnings: mention and description of rape, urophilia, coprophilia, and salirophilia.
References to old chapters of mine. Car's outside by James Arthur.
Anyways, I should stop the introduction and start for once the chapter, right? So let's go!
Previously in chapter 18…
He hears a voice talking about something but he can't identify what is the subject or the person, it just mumbles. Random words are thrown into the air without cohesion and coherence.
Wait for a second…He knows the voice…Voight
He knows the man is dead but it seems…he is there…mean in flesh and bones, in spirit perhaps, in his memory for eternity.
In his introspective, he feels something inside his throat. Certainly not a pair of hands wrapping his respiratory system or a sexual object inside but a tube. The level of torture has increased exponentially.
He has to find a way to alert Voight of the danger and has to fight against the illegal tracheostomy Nathan involved him in.
"Jay, listen to me, you're going to hurt yourself, you're okay, you're safe." How can he say they are safe? He is about to get killed…can he be alerted now before it happens?
His green eyes face his brown's.
More voices get inside his ears.
"…listen to my voice. I'm Doctor Fleming…" Nathan's doctor friends? Does the man know him from his brother? Did he come to treat him or to abuse him?
Hands pass over his head, arms and legs while they mumble words.
"...It's me, Will. I'm here with you..."
Nathan makes his word and he pulls Will into!
"Hey, Jay, it's me, your partner and girlfriend Erin Lindsay…" He never had hated himself so much as the way he is now. He has to negotiate with Nathan and pressure himself to act obediently so random people don't get involved. Tears fly down his cheeks. She might be furious, after all, he is the cause why her father is dead and she is kidnapped, together with him, a vulnerable miserable guy, totally turned up to a man's grace and pleasure.
"We are going to take out the tube, Jay, cough for me in one, two, three." tube? What tube? Reflexively, he starts to cough and a bill climbs up his trachea, needing to be excreted.
"Look who is awake…" he freezes and tenses when another masculine voice emerges in the room and he catches shortly sight of three men…
"Ruzek, Kevin, and Antonio, that isn't a good moment to appear…" He identifies them!
They have returned to recover him, to rape him, and to finish their work!
"Please...please please no. No! No more! Kill me! Just kill me! Free Will and Erin…they are good people, don't deserve this! Let me die! Let me be with him…my team isn't caring either way."
Darkness.
"What the hell was that?" Ruzek questions as soon as the doctor confirms Jay is out.
"Something triggered a nightmare." the doctor says. "Who was here when it started?"
"Voight" Erin lets out, looking up at the room and not finding him. "Where is he?"
"I'm going to talk with the nurses in the corridor. Maybe they have seen him and can tell where he went." Will, promptly, volunteers himself and goes away after gently squeezing his brother's leg.
"Our arrival triggered him too? We came way too noisy into the hospital bedroom of someone who passed hell for months. Damn, it's our fault." Dawson exclaims sadly and is disappointed with themselves.
"Frankly with you, he was freaking out before but your arrival might have intensified. I'm by far a therapist or a psychologist but with the knowledge I obtained over his case and his phrase before passing out, I conclude he thought you three were going to kidnap him again and rape him again or one of you, or the three is alike one of the men who hurt him."
"Damn hell, that's it. We messed up! It wasn't put intention, we just wanted to celebrate he was with us after so long…" Ruzek explains, eyes filling with tears.
"Ruzek, your intention is valid. The timing wasn't appropriate, that's it. Keep intentioned and ready because we are celebrating it later, I promise!" Erin says, empathetically, hugging and patting the man's back carefully when Will returns.
"Well, the nurse said he went away a little before we put the tube out of Jay without speaking but it seemed he was crying a bit."
"I'm going to call him," Kevin announces, already with his phone in his hands and typing his boss' phone number, walking into the corridor for privacy. They wait silently. "He isn't answering."
"It's common for him, don't take it personally, Kevin." the almost adopted daughter explains unsurprisingly for the maintenance of her father's behavior. "Make me a favor, Kev. Call Olinsky, tell the story, and if he can talk to Voight. Perhaps he will listen to him or me." she requests the officer, who nods and gets into the corridor.
"Sorry for intruding on Detective Halstead's personal life but does he has a trustful therapist or a psychologist personal or indicated by the police department to him?"
"He isn't the type of dealing with his traumas even less talk about them with us, he is a specialist in drowning his secrets and traumas very deep. He didn't do therapy when he returned from Afghanistan, he hadn't met her yet and I was…very busy to do that…why the question?" Will answers, shame and guilt overcoming him from not being helpful and useful at that turbulent and needed time but making himself responsible to act differently and better by being present to Jay nowadays, even though he wishes things stood peaceful.
"Surely both of you and his family or friends' support and comfort will be essential to his healing but a professional's help is more efficient to the process," he explains, being personally preoccupied with the young man. "I'm afraid and saddened to assume but you all have dealt with rape victims before right?" they nod sadly, desiring that it wasn't true. "It's not going to be easy: the case is leaning towards the personal, something a hundred percent justified because it's Jay, a friend, a boyfriend, and a brother, but the same way you act interviewing a random victim, it has to be done with Jay. And whatever you or he needs, I'm at your disposal."
"I get what you mean. Thanks, Doctor Fleming." the doctor nods in gratitude and goes away, Kevin returns from his call.
"I talked to Alvin, he is on his way to his house to see if he is there." he sighs. "What about us? What can we do?"
"Wait for Jay to wake up again."
He wakes up.
He wishes he hasn't.
He is lying on his back in Nathan's bed, stretched out with his wrists and ankles handcuffed to each bed's vertex, and his collar attached to his neck is chained at the headboard. Not unusual.
He looks down and finds a man raping him. If his counts are correct, it's the thirty-fifth time he wakes up with someone inside him. Not unusual.
The man is another lunatic friend of Nathan and was using him since the night before to celebrate his achievement. He was told what achievement. He can't recall. He was told the man's name. He can't recall. Due to the drugs. Not unusual.
"Oh, baby boy, you walked out on me yesterday night. I didn't have time to play with you." the unknown mam teases him playfully, traveling his hands from his handcuffed foot to his chained neck and squeezing his defined muscles from legs, arms, and abdomen. "I suppose you can serve me today, right?
He weakly mumbles 'no', unsuccessfully.
"I don't know if your owner has fetishes but I have mine. Has he ever ejaculated or urinated or defecated on you?" he widens his eyes. Yes, Nathan and his rapist friends already have ejaculated sperm on him and into his mouth and anus. In minor frequency, they have already urinated on him and into him. He was ordered to swallow all. But none of them have defeated on him…or into him…or obligated him to swallow. To test the last one and all of them together…he can't support. "For your reaction, I assume it is a negative answer. Better late than never."
'NO!'
"No, please, no…no"
"Jay, Jay, wake up…you are safe." he sits upright immediately but is forced to lay down again the pain burning like arson on his torso and two thin arms gently pushing him down, against the bed.
"Erin?"
Erin understandably walked out.
He hoarsely pronounces the name of his girlfriend…well, ex-girlfriend due to the recent events…something he believed he would never be able to do again. He looks at his sides.
They are all circling him, a soft comforting smile welcoming him to reality.
They are all circling him, a predatory sadic smile welcoming him to reality.
Antonio. Antonio understandably walked out.
Alvin. Alvin understandably walked out.
Kim. Kim understandably walked out.
Mouse. Mouse understandably walked out.
Adam. Adam understandably walked out.
Kevin. Kevin understandably walked out.
Will. Will understandably walked out.
Platt. Platt understandably walked out.
"They were so furious. They blame you. They hate you. They told me how insignificant you are. How worthless you are. How you were always a burden to carry around. How bored they were about having you around. How they never considered you their family but, their merit, they fooled you so good you had believed. How suck you are as a cop. How suck you are as a friend, brother, partner, and boyfriend. How much they wish you had died. Let's be straight, boy, have you ever thought they loved you? Have you ever thought they care about you? When I told my plans, they couldn't express in words their gratitude for me to stay forever with you and show what we agreed that you are born for."
"Hey bro…welcome back. We missed you." The emotional male voice that belonged to Ruzek made him flinch and shiver his whole body, squirming away from a touch from Burgess at his right ankle involuntarily. He looks at his lap and plays with the fingers of his left hand, intertwining among them and analyzing the cast on his right hand, ashamed and terrified to make eye contact with them.
"You just make eye contact with me if I order you to do that, your bitch, otherwise, look at the ground. Disobey me and I will beat you up until you can't walk for a month. Understand me?"
"Yes, master, I understand."
"How are you feeling?" Erin asks as he watches from the corner of his eyes a sad and happy smile on her lips and eye. On the edge of tears for extreme happiness. He hated to see her crying in whatever situation for whoever, especially when he is involved somehow. He made her cry a lot.
"Have you ever thought they care about you?"
'Say you are okay, you can't bother them with your worthlessness.'
"I'm fine and you?" he replies after a few seconds of thinking, staring from the corner of his eyes at the visitors at light speed and praying that his disobedience act is not seen so he wouldn't get punished. The visitors do see the flash of eye contact, uncertain, fast, and fearful eye contact, and look at each other, negatively wondering what the stupid authority law Nathan imposed on Jay.
Jay's green eyes were tired, but still lovely, compassionate, and calm, as he does to interview the victims and talk to Erin. His way to show he's there for everyone, that he cares for what he's looking at, that you can trust blindly, bringing a feeling of comfort and hope even if they are in hell.
Everyone is missing his adorable baby blue-green eyes.
"Kid, you don't need to lie to us about your well-being. It's okay if you aren't okay…no one expects you to be a hundred percent okay." Alvin says, parentally, sensing the radiation of Nathan's words impregnated in Jay as his definition as a human being. Ignorance, twice in a lifetime, is a blessing.
"But I'm okay…if you want and need, go do your stuff. I'm ok by myself."
'I have always been good by myself, no one is obligated to deal with a piece of shit that it's me.'
"The stuff we need to do is stay with you, nothing or anyone else matters." Will retorts, knowing the brother's thoughts.
Some of the stuff the man on the tape said was told by our dad to him.
"Where am I?"
"You are at Chicago Med. You are safe, Halstead, no one will ever touch you again." Platt assures her adorable handsome Detective Chuckles, her protégé, her son she never had, and her family, wiping her tears away.
He can return…he always will return to haunt me down. I will never be safe again.
"What happened?"
"We found you with the help of Detective Steven Murphy, Carbondale's police. He was undercover for another operation from his unit and recognized you." Dawson answers in minor details as possible to not trigger a flashback and still be honest to the hospitalized man who is an honest and moral icon, his mind divided again like it was at the hospital months ago.
Before the party.
The isolated man's reaction to the situation is far from impassive or brutal or devouring or intimidating. Is frighteningly friendly. Immediately, the stoic face collapses, and, for the first time since Hank's and himself's, a sorry, angry, human, caring and friendly glance is directed at him - a miracle - he quickly watches the other's reaction and disastrously disguising and imitating the most fake-looking predator equally.
The known unknown man sighs loud and looks at the ground.
"Daniel! You are new to our group. Let's test out your loyalty. Rape him." He trembles. The man looks forsaken, petrified, and terrorized of the order, his eyes reverberate his emotions to the surface, a lonely and solitary 5-year-old boy, his old self. He wants to deny the order but knows he will suffer retaliation for it. The mere feeling of hurting the young lad is causing shivers down the men's spine and pity for his part in the crossfire aiming at him intentionally. If he is telling the truth - what he honestly thinks he is because of his corporal language - whoever this man is, was caught in a criminal lie badly far from the expected and doesn't want to be there anymore. He is the only one hesitant to hurt him, not intentionally at least even last forcefully.
"Can I beat him up a little? It's better."
"Do or die!" The middle man points his gun at him.
"Just do it!" he shouts out. Yes, he is aware that he is kinda permitting the only rational man to beat him or rape him despite tears watering at the thought of being physically or sexually abused, again. No, nonetheless, he can't testimony the death of the only rational man in this horrific manner in front of him from denying raping him. He can't carry this guilty. He has to carry a lot of deaths, his boss' death included, another will be too much. "Do it. That's ok."
"Shut the fuck up you! Go!" The man steps on his vulnerable belly four times as strong and revengeful as his resentful form permits him to please the others and not get killed, leaving him writhing on the floor in pain as he fights to breathe, blocking his previous realization. A pause. The man looks to the three main tormentors inquiring unspokenly if it is enough. They shake their heads, pressing him to continue the torture.
"I can't rape him. Give me the knife. I'll harm him equivalence to a rape!" he is unsure whether he can feel relieved that someone is choosing to not rape him deliberately and commonly or being terrified that the man might have signed his death sentence for denying the order and, at any time, a shot will ring through the golden mansion.
Starting directly over his pronounced left hip bone, he digs in the tip of the knife, dragging the knife across his flat stomach over his right hip bone and under the horrendous and nauseating initials NA, pulling a scream from the tied-up person. The man faces the gun, sees that he is obligated, and leans above the tied man.
"I'm truly sorry, Detective Halstead." He whispers in his right ear. His eyes widened. The man knows who he truly is. He isn't a true criminal. He passes his hands around his sides, rubbing up and down his bruised and multi-colored chest and stomach, resting on his hips for a second then continuing moving his hand down to palm the man's member. Meanwhile, his lips lick, kiss, and bite lightly up his legs towards his center, but purposely bypassing it, leading Jay to moan and cry out when he starts jerking him into hardness. He sobs out as he releases onto his hand. The man steps back immediately with his dirty hand, the liquid slowly dripping all over his forearm. "I'm going to wash. Excuse me." The man storms out of the room.
That mysterious known unknown man was a cop.
"Daniel, was he an undercover cop?" he was right, the man wasn't a criminal.
"Yes, he was."
"How is he?"
"He is glad that you are safe and will be okay."
"I remember him…from the first party I…participated in. He was terrified of…what they obliged him to do." An overwhelming and disconcerting silence dominated and tensioned the bedroom atmosphere as Jay started to shiver, remembering that night's events. "Where is he?"
"Detective Murphy is at his police station, doing reports about a case his unit attended to. He said he was going to try and pass here for a while later." Ruzek replies about the man in question.
"Ok, but where is he?" He emphasizes the 'he' so someone comprehends who he is talking about without having to mention the name of his nightmares.
"Nathan is dead, Jay." Erin gets in the air about who he is talking about. She always got him in. "When we were rescuing you, he raised his gun at you so I shot him. He is dead, Jay. He is gone."
Voight is dead. The image. Voight's lifeless body lay on his back in a pool of blood under him from a single shot on his head. Execution style. He was executed. His boss was executed. His source of hope and salvation was executed. His dad was executed. What was the team thinking about while seeing the boss' dead body? They would be devastated. More than losing their boss, they lost a cop, a friend, a family member, a mentor, a leader, a dad, and a person.
'They lost a good person for a piece of shit that is you.'
"I'm sorry." he says, crying.
"For what are you saying sorry?" Burgess is genuinely confused about what to do with Jay to calm him down, either not touching him at all or touching the minimum possible to not trigger a flashback or a nightmare.
"That you have to waste your time with me, deal with and worry about me after all the horrible things I did."
"What are you talking about? You did nothing wrong, all you did was find a way to survive through hell."
"It's okay to abandon me…go ahead…I'm not good company to anyone. I'm going to get you killed as I did to him. I'm so, so, so sorry."
"No one died because of you, Jay…"
For waking up and finding out Hank isn't dead. Finding out that it ain't his fault, isn't his responsibility, his boss' and father figure's blood isn't on his hands.
"I killed him. His blood is in my hands."
"Voight is safe. He knows who you are. It will be a matter of time until he and the team find us. You are a dead man, your psycho!"
"Dead don't talk."
"What are you saying?"
"You need drawing, bitch? Do you think that I wasn't going to kill him once I had you?"
"You are fooling me, I know it."
"Do you want to see it?" He searches for something in his back pocket. It's a photo. He shows it to Jay. The team had seen Jay angry on a lot of occasions but surprised themselves with his current reaction. His pale skin becomes red for pure fury and, as adrenaline is a miracle, he throws himself at the man and manages to kick him in the knee, sending the man to fall to the ground.
"YOU KILLED HIM! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T! I'LL KILL YOU!" Jay screams his lungs out while the man stands up recovering from the kick, doesn't do anything but it's noticeable his furiousness.
"I killed him in front of your team. Also, I told them you had asked me to kill him."
"What? They would never..."
"Believe me? Oh man, they did! They were so furious. They blame you. They hate you."
"Jay, Voight isn't dead." Lindsay deciphers what he is trying to say and the realization hits her coworkers as well. It's Nathan's manipulation. Jay is convicted that he is responsible for Hank's death and no one is blaming him either; the photoshopped picture shown to him was as real as possible, and everyone would believe it without a professional detailed inspection. It's a long way and an explanation until he gets that Nathan's words are false. That picture of Hank is false and the man is alive. "What Nathan told you and showed you it's fake, he was trying to manipulate you and mess with your mind so you could obey him. Trust me, Jay, Voight is alive, he is at home." she is not confident of his whereabouts and she is fucking wishing that he was there with them, it would facilitate Jay's comprehension.
"I killed him." Sob. "You hate me." Sob. "You don't care about me." Sob. "You give me up." Sob. "I'm not worth it." Sob. "I want to die." Sob. "I understand the fury and the hate and the blame. I…used drugs…cheated on you…made Voight get killed. I killed your dad, Erin, I'm truly sorry." at the Jay's reciting the mantra from the rescue, Erin wants to revive that bastard motherfucker guy and kills him again repeatedly and finds whoever more dared to touch her boyfriend and broke him into fooled vulnerable little pieces, hunted by more demons than he already has from his childhood, from his time in Afghanistan and his years in the police force.
The hospitalized man's reciting becomes incoherent, his breath becomes erratic and rapid and his hurt body begins to shake. Every shake sends freeze and pain towards his hurt body. The pain in his whole body renders the instability and rapidness of his breath and the shakiness of his body. An endless circle. Despite the pain, Halstead pushes his knee over his chest and cries out when his ribs ache continues the process to enroll himself in a ball.
"Guys, we should leave them alone and grab a coffee or something." Burgess suggests and looks at Erin if her friend agrees with her proposal. Lindsay looks at her friends and murmurs a thank you, her female brunette partner is a punctual mind-reader, and the immense effort she is making to choke tears in her throat is inhibiting her from talking.
"But we have just eaten…are you hungry still?" sometimes Ruzek can be lazy and confused at understanding. Atwater was about to slap his neck gently to trade him in giving some sense when Burgess puts her finger over her mouth, sending both men to be quiet as she grabs her partner's upper arm and leads the way outside the cabin, closing the door.
"Jay, can you please look at me?" still curled up in himself, Jay lifts his head and looks at her. His body is covered by the blanket and the gown because he can't keep his corporal temperature by himself yet. However, with what the doctor told them about the injuries Jay sustains, she is sincere in saying she is thankful for not seeing them to the world's well-being and her proof is his face, the uncovered part. Grotesque black and purple marks cover his neck from the many firm strangulations and the injection spot is red and slightly swollen. His face isn't different from the neck. His lips are recovering from the unnumbered cuts, cicatrizing. The swelling around his eyes decreased in size and coloring but is still horrific and red from the tears streaming down not shining and brightening like the city lights are. His usual.
"He didn't like when I looked at them." she feels disgusted for him when he barely murmurs and confirms their theory.
"Jay...it won't be today, it won't be tomorrow, next week, or the following month and no one is going to pressure you like a valid date but we will make you understand that nothing that happened was your fault."
"I…used drugs. I begged to them drug me…I become an addict…and I was a damn cop. After all, I did to help you fight against your bad moment months ago, I can destroy it all and let you down and bring you down."
The question is: have you ever experimented ketamine?
…
"What's the name of that junkie detective? Oh Erin, your adoptive daughter, and his girlfriend, isn't her?"
"Don't talk about her!!"
"She used to drug herself with heroin, right? Don't worry I won't do anything to her. He's more precious. I just think Jay would like to experiment with his old friend ketamine with a new one, heroin."
"Son of a bitch! Jay, look at me!"
…
"Drug…"
"What?" Perplexed, the man cleaning his bloodied penis had understood the question but needed confirmation from the almost sleepy abused body. "What have you said, bitch?"
"Drug me, master, please."
"See? You are such a slave slut. I would love to record and send it to the police central department, what a slut they had inside the organization without knowing."
"You were drugged. You were forced to use drugs, it wasn't voluntarily. Even if you had, occasionally, requested to be drugged, you were in such a bad situation and your body was in abstinence. Either way, requesting or not, they would have drugged you because they wanted to hurt you. I was an addict to heroin because my mother induced me to this ambient before I was born and, hell, I had been influenced to get away from her by teachers in school and academy, by therapists, counselors, by my father figure, by my uncle figure and by you and for a while, I crave my dig and look what had to happen to you so some sense could enter in my head for my returning. You didn't give me up, you helped me, I'm going to retribute and you are getting through it, together."
"I…betrayed the team…I…cheated on you…in front of Voight. I love you, Erin, I do, I swear I tried to say no and fight back…do whatever in my power to inhibit them and…I should have tried harder but it was impossible…I hate myself for it."
A part of him couldn't stop thinking he is betraying Erin when he cums in front of her father figure. He had felt disgusted during all the sucking torture he was put through but, little by little, this is only gaining strength. He feels disgusted by the inevitable drug-induced cum in Nathan's mouth. He feels disgusted for knowing he couldn't control his thoughts and body. He feels disgusted for betraying Erin. He feels disgusted for being sexually abused by Nathan in front of Voight.
…
A new wave of betrayal and disappointment overwhelms him. He is about to betray and disappoint everyone for the second time. Betray and disappoint the team, his former team, cumming into the host's hands and not being able to do his goddam police work or provide a minimum of difficulty for his newest rapist. Betray and disappoint Erin, the love of his life, cumming into not just one but a second rapist's hands. Betray and disappoint Voight, his dead boss, cumming into the host's hands of his murderer and him, the reason for his death. Betray and disappoint himself in contradicting all the physical healed not forgotten injuries and psychological not healed either forgotten traumas, names, the monsters from his childhood he got over the years by many people in his life.
"They raped you, Jay, it wasn't consensual. They chained you, handcuffed you, drugged you, and threatened your boss' or someone's life so you would be obedient and let them go with whatever they wanted with you for their psycho mad pleasure. I know you, baby, you would never betray me purposely, you are an excellent honest respectful ethical gentleman and my last first favorite and only house husband and I'll be forever grateful for whoever God or superior entity that aligned our destinies to be together. I never felt cheated by you since we found out what happened with Hank at the hospital, I felt furious for that son of a bitch that felt the audacity and the courage to kidnap, hurt, and assault. You can ask them yourself but I assure you they share the same feeling as me. And don't hate yourself over this…like I said, it won't be one hour to another, but we will make you comprehend the reality."
"Is it true that Voight is alive?"
"Yes, it is."
"But the photo…"
"It's a part of Nathan's manipulation. The photoshopped picture showed to you was as real as possible, and everyone would believe it in your place without a professional minutely inspection. Hank is alive, trust me."
"Can I see he? Where is he?"
I want to know that too, I do.
Hope you liked this one! See you soon!