Chapter Four

"It can get lonely being alone for so long"

Cardin had been doing his best not to obsess over the five shots, opting to put the box containing them in a drawer in the kitchen once he got home. But that didn't help much as he kept looking towards the area, his mind racing, convincing him that his day was hard enough, taking one wouldn't hurt, that's what they were used for. So why wait? He knew what was to come, he knew that his troubles would ease, he knew she would be there too.

Walking over to the drawer and standing over it he rested his hand on the rusted iron handle to the drawer. His mind filled with more excuses and encouragement to just pull the drawer open and do it already.

"Damn it!" He opened and closed the drawer over and over, slamming it each time as he yelled.

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!!"He had enough, the stress of the medication, being who he was, his work, money, everything. Cardin screamed to the point his voice cracked, expelling any air he could give and much more after taking a breath.

Opening his silverware drawer he grabbed out anything that his hands could grab and just started chucking all the utensils as hard as he could. Some getting stuck in the walls, some finding the torn carpet of the apartment and once he had no more to throw, he ripped the whole drawer out itself and yelled in pure agonistic rage as the sliders the drawer bent broke and cracked until it released the drawer. Once out, he threw that too.

Stumbling after the drawer had crashed to the ground breaking at the corners, he just laid on the ground for a moment, just breathing. Curling slightly, his legs raising to his chest. Being on and off the drug over and over made him feel insane, having the capability to feel an extremely important emotion then suddenly not the next day pushed him to such severe limits that were hard to handle by himself.

"1…2…3…" His voice was raspy, shutting his eyes as tears streamed down his cheeks "1…2…3… Please…" He wanted to take one, he wanted to see her. He needed to see her so badly. This wasn't love, this was desperation to not be alone anymore, to have someone who he could trust and confide in. Being alone through all of this was maddening.

"I need you so bad…"

He cried there for some time, when he had no more tears to shed, he just laid there, staring at the dirty white linoleum of his kitchen. His eyes were red and tired, so very tired, almost lifeless. With the sun setting now, he decided to sit up and look at the drawer that held the box one last time before getting to his feet slowly and grabbing a box of cigarettes and a lighter to go smoke out in the staircase.

The apartment staircases weren't indoors, they were exposed to the outside and acted as a sort of separation between each building. A really stupid design, though it did allow him to smoke close to his place at times when he really needed to.

Leaning on one of the rails and taking a drag looking out to the unkept city which surprisingly looked much better with the light goldish red glow of the sun setting behind the buildings, he could hear someone from the floor above him say something so, he assumed, someone else.

"…Yea I'll go ask…" A female voice said was all he could make out before hearing steps down the stairs. Those steps got louder and louder until they eventually stopped near him.

"Hey, was that you?" The voice asked.

Cardin turned and looked to see who it was, he was too tired to be surprised to see the olive skinned woman with green hair from a couple of days before who was fired from one of the offices. She seemed to remember him as well as she looked visibly surprised. She wore a red shirt that was far too big for her that came down midway to her thighs and under the hem of the shirt he could see the short pajama bottoms.

"Oh, it's you." She said, taking a step back up one of the steps, no doubt expecting him to lash out at her for her actions earlier in the week. But Cardin didn't care much as he tapped the middle of his cigarette, getting rid of the burnt end and turning back to the scenery.

"No." He answered "Someone else. Why?" It was a legitimate question as she didn't seem too interested in helping or even worrying about a Defected like him.

"Sorry, it just sounded like someone was hurt or at least getting hurt." She answered, getting the courage to step off the staircase and approach him. "May I join you?"

"Do what you want." He was too tired to be defensive. In truth, he wanted to be alone but didn't have the energy to tell her to leave him alone. Though he wondered why she even wanted to in the first place.

"Thank you." Timidly, she walked next to him, leaning over the balcony "I… I'm kinda excited to see you. Well, maybe excited isn't the word for it, I haven't been able to sleep right after what I did. I…" She let out a frustrated breath "I have no idea what came over me, just being surrounded by all those people and then the last small group of you who just stood there I just, I don't know how to explain it. But I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm really not that kind of person."

Cardin was silent while she talked, listening and watching the smoke dance from the cigarette in front of him. "Ok. What you did was shitty, but what does it mean to you?" He tapped the cigarette again, letting out a puff of smoke from his lips as he turned to her "You threw a rock at someone and hurt her pretty badly."

The green haired woman suddenly became defensive at his words, obviously still affected by what had happened before. "I didn't mean it!" She snapped, after a second she calmed herself again, though it was clear she was having a hard time with how her hands balled into fists but after a sigh, her grip loosened.

"Listen, my friend is one of you. Or well, like you or… Fuck, I'm really trying not to be offensive here. Fuck it, I'm just gonna say everything." Looking at him, she tried again "My friend, a long time friend, is also emotionally-separated." That was a new definition for him. "And I've been helping her as much as I can for so long and I thought WCC was going to be the place that finally gets us the hell out of here. But somehow, someone found out my actual intentions and it went downhill from there." She was frustrated but as she explained, she began to calm down more, but also getting more somber in tone.

"That's kinda why I blew up. It was like, I had everything, I was going places and then suddenly it was all taken away from me in one day. I just don't know how anyone can do it."

Cardin understood too well how she felt. "Yea, that's just how it is. Lucky you though. You can choose to leave any time you want and live how you want to. But whoever your friend is? Their life stays like that. Forever. There's no changing it. Even getting medication that's overpriced and highly addictive is just a trap to keep you in a hole."

"But there's gotta be a way."

"I'm telling you, there's no way. None." He took another long drag, blew the smoke out and flicked the dead cigarette away.

"How do you know?" Her features softened, realizing that she was being ignorant again, no matter how much she felt there was a way. She wasn't like him, it was easy for her because she had the privilege, but he didn't, he was someone unfavorable to this world.

"Cause I tried, too many times. You can ask anyone else here, they've all tried. Everything always circles back to this place, hopping from job to job and being stomped on knowing that if you defend yourself that it could mean your job or your life. So what's the point anymore? There comes a time where you just need to ask yourself, have you had enough?" He hadn't noticed how he had closed the space between them, now almost staring down at her, his expression was a mix of anger and hopelessness. After his breakdown, nothing felt like it mattered. The distance he had closed between them revealed to her just how much pain he had been through, those blue eyes crossed with red where white should be from crying just beforehand.

The woman looked down, took a step back "Ok. Sorry." She was utterly defeated in trying to convince him of the hope that was still around them. Now, a little hope of her own was destroyed in the process. "Well…" She began, hands fidgeting with the hem of her shirt "…If you ever need anything. I live up stairs, 209. My name's Emerald by the way. I'm always willing to help so just… Don't hesitate to come by, even if it's just to say hi or something. It can get lonely being alone for so long." It was an assumption she had, trying to figure out what Cardin's deal was.

Turning back to the ledge and leaning on the iron bars that acted as rails he simply said "Fine." That was all. All he wanted was to be alone and finally, after another moment of silence had passed, the Green haired woman Emerald, had left him in the silence of nature, watching till the sun fully disappeared from the scene.