Chapter Six

"Goodbye"

The woman on the bench, Pyrrha Nikos. Cardin wondered for a moment if he was truly cursed, or if some higher power pushed him to face his past. Meeting her here or all places felt like a one in a million.

His feet wanted to turn the other way and keep walking, maybe if he acted now he could possibly dodge the whole meeting... No, he couldn't do that, even though their last meeting was horrible, this was his chance to make amends and hopefully make a friend again. To make these lonely days a little more bearable. Plus, she deserved an apology from his horrific actions from long ago.

Without giving himself another minute to talk himself out of it, Cardin finally moved. Ragged old shoes meeting cracked pavement and once in earshot, Pyrrha finally looked his way and to his surprise and slight shock she... Smiled?

It wasn't a happy smile, it was one filled with a somber expression, slight surprise of her own on seeing him there and yet with all of that, the smile still looked and felt fake. Not in the way of being disingenuous, but as if she was just copying a smile she saw someone else put on. It shouldn't have shocked him too much, she did mention how she faked certain 'Happiness' traits to get by in life but around that time, he hardly paid attention to what she said most days.

"Hi." She spoke easily, softly "It's been some time." She turned back to what she was doing, expecting the man to join her.

"Hey. Yea, I-" Cardin was lost, what does he even say to her? There was far too much. There was a long gap of silence from him as he scratched the back of his head trying to think of what to say.

The sound of a hand lightly tapping on wood broke him of his silent dazed spell as Pyrrha spoke. "Come join me." The ducks she had been content feeding had moved away, maybe they too were scared of the monster that was about to join Pyrrha on the bench.

Cardin did as requested, taking a seat next to her, making sure to leave some space between as if he were infected with some sort of illness. Pyrrha turned her head to look into the water. He could still see some of her face which calmed his nerves oddly.

"Do you come here often?" Cardin asked, immediately finding it to be a stupid question to ask.

"Yes, actually. I come to feed the ducks every Thursday. I haven't seen you here before though, which makes me wonder." She turned to look at him, those emerald eyes blank of emotion. "Is this your first time here? Or maybe it was bound we met again?"

"Both... Probably. With my luck." He found it difficult to look her in the eyes. Those piercing emerald orbs. "But uh... I wanted you to know that... I'm really sorry, about how I treated you. You were a really good friend to me and I treated you like garbage." Again his hand made way to the back of his neck, rubbing the skin awkwardly, shame seeping it's way into his chest.

Pyrrha stayed silent for a long moment, looking back to the water as she took in his words. He could hear her sigh and saw her hands crumble her coat hems in her palms before releasing them. "I thought about you a lot Cardin. When you left. I was worried and to be honest, I still am. I could never understand why I had loved you or why I could even feel that emotion without being happy. You don't... Didn't make me happy. No one could. But I got to thinking over the years. What even is happiness?"

Her gaze moved to look at him again "Is to smile happiness?" She smiled to him, that same fake smile from before "Is being around someone you care for happiness?" She scooted slightly closer to him, cause nervous heat to surge up to Cardin's chest as she did so, but didn't dare to move or interrupt.

"I come out here every Thursday to feed the ducks what scraps I have. I've done that for the past year and a half and I've finally figured out why. I like it." She smiled again, the empty bag of bread taken out of her winter coat as of to be some kind of proof. "So, does me liking something mean I'm happy? I don't know and I'll possibly never know. All that I know is..." She looked to the bag now, examining it like it were a comfort item "...I like it. I like it a lot."

"So maybe that makes me happy. Maybe the emotions were missing are much more complex than we thought. Because when you left my life, I found that there were a lot of things that I liked. But there was always something missing and I think I've finally figured it out."

Pyrrha's smile faded as she finished "What I like doesn't bring me 'happiness', I think true happiness, for everyone, is having someone to share the things you like with."

Cardin was speechless, she sounded like she was using but she didn't act like she was. He wanted to question her on it, but what would even be the point? The words she spoke hit him like a truck and it made him miss Velvet which was a feeling he didn't get without misusing his drug. The man could feel his heart thumping hard against his chest, mulling over her words and finally, he looked in her eyes.

"I... Think I get what you mean. You've... certainly given me a lot to think about." Words failed him, she was always so much better than he was at speaking. He always envied her for it. "Well, it doesn't have to stop here, maybe we can do it again soon?" Cardin smiled, hopeful, maybe they could really be friends again.

It was then Pyrrha stood up. "No, Cardin. I'm sorry." She faced the water and looked down at her reflection for a long moment.

"You're uh... You're always allowed your decisions and I respect them, but can I ask... Why?" His chest felt like a sinking pit, a hole opening and taking all that hope away.

"Because I love you, Cardin. I always will. And I will never have what I want. Because chemically, it isn't possible. It would be better for me to stay far away from you. Things would only end up like they did before and I can't go through that again. I can't feel happiness and you will only ever love Velvet. That's just how life is and... I've accepted that." Pyrrha turned to him one last time, walking over to him to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. A self indulgent one he was sure, maybe even one that confirmed things for her, or possibly... Her only chance to do that.

Even with all of that, Cardin still couldn't find words. Something to bring her back, something to change her mind about everything but there was nothing. Cardin knew she was right, she always was.

"So, this is goodbye. I... Hope you live the life you've always wanted." Pyrrha again gave him her best, empty smile before turning to leave.

"Wait." Cardin stood from the bench, catching her gaze once more with one word as finally he had caught something to say to her "Pyrrha, if I was never with Velvet, If it were just me and you and I had the drug I needed to cope... Do you think I would ever make you happy?"

Pyrrha gave him a different smile this time, it almost looked and felt real. It felt like an eternity before her reply "No. Cardin, being around you has always made me miserable." And there it was, tears had finally fell from her eyes.

Cardin was stunned, watching her walk away.

"Goodbye."

Eventually taking a seat on the bench to think things through. He sat there for a long time, blue eyes watching the shadows casted from the bench move slowly as the sun rose above him and set.

He made her miserable... He got it now. His incapability to love or to even think that he could care for others caused her the most pain that no apology could recover. His very existence, the way he was, caused her misery. She could never have him fully, she could never have the life she wanted with him and for awhile, as he walked back home, he thought about how many times his sensitive outburst had hurt her. How constantly bringing up the woman that he lost could cause her an immense amount of pain.

Taking his sweater off at the door, he didn't bother with shoes, simply walking to the area he called a 'bed' and laying in the old sheets, curling up with the silence of the apartment, that silence only breaking from the weak sounds of tears hitting sheets.

He truly was a monster.