Chapter 3
Help, I lost myself again, but I remember you
-Six Feet Under by Billie Ellish
Warnings for non-graphic sexual assault, violence, slight gore, and the author being mean to Vision
Wanda jerked awake with a gasp.
The room was dark and quiet. She cautiously sat up, trying to remember where she was. Outside, a sliver of moon peeked through the lace curtains. She slid her bare feet out of bed and winced as they touched the cold wood floor. The large shirt she was wearing fell to her mid thigh. She absentmindedly rolled up the sleeves as she moved silently to the doorway. The stairs creaked softly under her footsteps.
"Wanda?" A familiar voice called quietly from the living room.
Wanda froze, then darted down the rest of the stairs. A sob caught in her throat at the sight of her father standing in the living room. She moved to embrace him, but he took a step away from her, his face serious.
"Papa?" She whispered.
"Kde je Pietro? [Where is Pietro?]" He asked sternly.
Wanda's throat felt tight. She stared at him desperately wishing he would hold her in his arms like he had when she was a little girl. "Papa…"
"Ako si to mohol urobiť? [How could you do this?]" Her father's voice was hard. "Kde je tvoj brat, Wanda? [Where is your brother, Wanda?]"
"Prosím Papa- [Please Papa-]" Wanda began shakily, but he cut her off.
"Môj jediný syn je mŕtvy. [My only son is dead]." He shouted and his voice roared around her like thunder.
Wanda jerked back, a sob catching in her throat, but her father was gone. She frantically looked around the room just in time to see a door swing shut. She ran to it, shoving it open and stumbling through the doorway, desperately looking for her father. Behind her, the door clicked shut, and the sound of the lock made her freeze.
The familiar drab room made her heart start to race. The simple table and chair were the only furniture. The wall she was facing was a giant one way mirror. Her own horrified reflection stared back at her.
"Hello again, Wanda." The American said from behind her.
Wanda spun to see him casually leaning against the wall, rolling up the sleeves of his light blue, neatly pressed button down shirt. He always looked so perfectly put together, not a blond hair out of place, his handsome features in a pleasant smile. It made shivers run down her spine. She began to back away, her fingers anxiously grabbing at the metal collar around her neck.
"Please." She whispered, her voice shaking.
"Begging already?" The American flashed his teeth in a wide smile. "We haven't even started yet."
"Please don't." Her back hit the wall with the one-way mirror.
He prowled toward her casually, but the glint of anticipation in his eyes made her blood turn to ice. "You've been doing a very good job holding your powers back, so I thought we'd try something new today."
Wanda whimpered.
He stopped in front of her, looming. He reached out, ignoring her flinch, and fingered the thin prison uniform she wore. Her heart began pounding, panicked.
"What if…" His voice trailed off and with an abrupt jerk, he ripped her shirt open.
Wanda cried out, clutching at the fabric and barely containing her powers that raged to be let loose. She felt the hum of the collar against her neck, the first warning. Before she could get control of herself, he ripped half her shirt completely off. She had to abandon the fabric, desperately trying to cover her exposed breasts. Her powers roiled against her will, and the collar began to burn. She was so distracted trying to control her powers that she didn't see the blow coming. It caught her across the face and knocked her to the ground. Then he was on top of her, roughly groping and leering. His hand was between her legs and terror and panic swelled until she lost control of her powers completely. Power filled her blood and lightning seared through her. She arched on the floor, screaming until her voice was gone, screaming in agony. The pain was endless, until it wasn't.
The collar cracked and fell from her neck. She barely caught a glimpse of the fury in James' face before he turned and threw the American through the one-way window. Screams erupted and bodies scrambled. James leapt gracefully through the broken window and the screams began in earnest.
Wanda scrambled up, stumbled, and vomited in the corner. She couldn't see clearly, her limbs still twitching from the pain. A body crashed back into the room, and she spun around to see the American sprawled on the floor, blood running down his face. James was climbing through the window after him, but no, it was the Winter Soldier. Wanda swung her gaze back to the panicked face of the American. Rage burned in her chest as she looked at him, finally sniveling and afraid. It took all her strength to raise her spasming arm and summon her powers, but she incinerated him with a blast of red light.
The Winter Soldier stopped, his deadly gaze falling on her. She stood, panting, clutching the pathetic remains of her shirt to her chest. He blinked, shook his head, and then James was striding towards her. He shrugged off his jacket and handed it to her, his eyes scanning the room for more threats.
"What did they want?" He asked, the fury barely contained in his voice.
"I don't know. To…to hurt me." Wanda gasped hoarsely, awkwardly holding his jacket over her exposed chest. "To make me lose control. To use my powers so the collar would go off."
James' jaw worked. "Can I see your neck?" He asked stiffly.
Wanda tipped her head up, turning so she was staring numbly at the wall. James' cool fingers brushed her neck, sending a shiver down her spine. He gently inspected the burn, turning her jaw to see all of it.
"What was the point?" He asked furiously.
She didn't bother to answer because she didn't know. She felt oddly detached from her body. Like she was floating above. She'd asked herself the same question so many times. Maybe the point was simply to break her into a million tiny pieces. And they'd been successful, hadn't they? She felt broken, fragmented.
Wanda, zobuď sa. [Wanda, wake up.]
The ground shook, giant cracks running up the walls.
James pulled her close to him as pieces of plaster rained down on them from the ceiling. "We need to get out of here."
He helped her across the broken, shaking floor to the door. They stepped through onto solid, firm ground. Wanda gasped in relief, turning to look back at the crumbling room, but the door was gone. She turned back around and froze. This wasn't the abandoned house in Sokovia. The modern appliances and furniture were perfectly placed, the walls artfully decorated with expensive art in thick ornate frames. They were in the Avenger's Compound, the first place she had dared to call home after Sokovia. Her grip on James arm tightened as she swung her gaze around the familiar living room and kitchen. There was no sign of the hole in the floor where she had thrown Vision in order to escape. Everything looked just as it had been. Except-
Vision stepped through the wall in front of them, his blue eyes focused on her face.
"Miss Maximoff." He said softly.
James tried to jerk her behind him, but Wanda grabbed his arm.
"No, stop!" She said.
James froze, looking between the two of them uncertainly.
"Vizh?" Wanda asked tremulously.
He hadn't called her "Miss Maximoff" since their first few days together. The honorific sounded stiff and foreign on his lips. Her powers hummed in his presence as they always had, and she desperately wished he would fold her in his arms and whisper that everything would be alright like he did at the airport in Germany after the fight. It had been a lie then, and it would probably be a lie now, but she longed for that brief comfort.
"I am sorry, Miss Maximoff." Vision said sadly. "But I must return you to The Raft."
Wanda clutched her chest, feeling as though the remains of her heart had just shattered.
"Vizh please."
She was practically begging, but she couldn't take it if the android turned his back on her. He had helped fill that void that Pietro had left. He had been the only one to make an effort. The only one not afraid of her and her grief. She cared for him deeply.
Some days she even wondered if she loved him.
"Please come quietly. There is no need for a fight." Vision advanced a step.
"I waited for you to come." She said, her voice breaking, hot tears beginning to roll silently down her cheeks. "Every day I told myself that maybe today you would come save us."
Vision closed his eyes briefly, something like pain flashing across his face, but when he opened them again, his gaze was unwavering. "Miss Maximoff, you are a fugitive. It is my sworn duty to turn you in."
"They tortured me, Vizh!" Her voice was rising. "They kept me in a straight-jacket! I had to eat my food off the floor like a dog! They put a shock collar around my neck that would electrocute me if I used even a tiny bit of my powers. Almost every day they would drag me into a room and beat me and…and assault me until I lost control of my powers. Then they would stand there and laugh as I was electrocuted for their amusement." Vision's face went dark and she heard James' metal hand curl into a fist. "They were going to cut my head open and take out part of my brain!" She broke off, choking on a sob. "I thought you cared about me!"
"I do care." Vision said, his voice full of a righteous fury. "I did not know about the abuse you suffered. That is unacceptable and I will personally ensure that the people who hurt you will face justice."
Wanda felt fragile hope stir in her chest.
But then he continued, and his voice was so sincere that it felt like razor blades to her heart. "But perhaps the surgery is for the best. Perhaps if they can remove your powers, they will let you free."
Wanda gaped at him. Beside her, James stiffened. The silence felt suffocating.
"Did you know about it?" Wanda gasped.
Guilt flashed through the android's eyes, making him look so human. "I saw the data. I did not know… how they were getting it. They were trying to discover what part of your brain housed your powers, and they seem to originate in the frontal lobe. The surgery is similar to one they would perform on patients with severe epilepsy-"
"I don't have epilepsy!" Wanda hissed, and red sparks flashed in the air around her. "This is not a medical procedure, Vizh. This is human experimentation! This is no better than what HYDRA did to their victims!"
She didn't look at James, but she felt the rage emanating from him.
"You seemed so unhappy with the burden of your powers." Vision said softly. "I thought removing them would make you happy."
"This is my brain! Shouldn't that matter? What would happen to you if someone pried that stone from your forehead, Vision?"
"That's different." Vision said maddeningly calm. "My being and consciousness were created with the stone. You were already alive when you were given powers. Removing them would not destroy you."
"You don't know that." James' voice rang loud and clear. "And it shouldn't be anyone's choice but Wanda's."
Vision looked at him, perhaps noticing him for the first time. His mouth twisted in something like derision.
"The company you keep is…disappointing, Miss Maximoff." The android said coldly. "I wouldn't expect a creation of Hydra to understand the sacrifice that must be made for the greater good."
A wave of red slammed Vision back into the wall and held him there. James immediately shifted into a defensive position, but there was nothing for him to do. Wanda held Vision in place, her hands outstretched, red power pouring from her and into the android. She could feel him struggling to phase into the wall, but she held every atom in his body firmly in place. Tears still rolled down her face, but her eyes glowed red with power and fury.
"I thought you were different." She sobbed angrily. "But you're no better than Ultron. No better than Hydra. Ready to sacrifice any human for this 'greater good.'"
"Wa…n….da." Vision managed to get out in a choked voice.
"I never want to see you again." Wanda said harshly and then flung him sideways, crashing through the windows and out of sight.
She turned to James, reaching out her hand without really thinking. She could feel herself breaking down, and all she wanted was to escape this place before she lost it. She could barely see him through her tears, but he put his non metal hand in hers and gently squeezed. Wanda closed her eyes and desperately called on her powers to take them somewhere, anywhere else.
The ground shifted slightly beneath her feet. She opened her eyes to see the now familiar walls of the abandoned house in Sokovia. Wanda crumpled, sobs breaking free of her control. She ripped her hand free from James and sunk to the floor, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and let her grief swallow her whole.
Wanda wasn't sure how long she fell through that never-ending void of pain. Slowly she came back to the small living room in Sokovia. Everything sounded muffled, as though she were underwater. Her eyelids felt impossibly heavy and her head fiercely ached like it did the first few months after Strucker's experiments. She dragged her gaze up to see James was crouched in front of her, but he was shrouded in red mist. His lips were moving as though he were yelling, something like fear in his face. Wanda stared at him numbly. The scarlet lights swirled in front of her, and she slowly realized that they weren't around James, they were around her like a cocoon.
James was motioning urgently towards her lap, so she looked down. Her hands were resting in her lap and her fingers were…melting. She stared at them, watching as her skin slowly disintegrated into the red mist surrounding her. There was no pain, no fear. Just empty curiosity.
A metal hand suddenly gripped her forearm and yanked her out of her cocoon of powers. As soon as she tumbled free, the red mist vanished and sound slapped her in the face.
"-come on Wanda!" James was shouting, his metal hand still a vice around her arm.
Wanda threw her free arm out, trying to catch herself. She briefly caught a glimpse of her fingers, all perfectly whole, before she crashed into James. He caught her around the waist with his non-metal hand and landed hard on his back with Wanda on top of him. He was panting, an almost pained sound. She could feel his heart pounding in his chest. She lay there, dazed.
"What. The. Fuck. Were you. Doing?" James gasped beneath her.
Wanda blinked at the ceiling above them and tried to sort out her scattered thoughts. "I don't.-"
James' arm suddenly released her waist, a sharp hiss escaping through his teeth.
Wanda twisted, practically falling off of him, and her stomach dropped at the sight of his non-metal arm. It was completely disfigured as though he'd been terribly burned. The flesh was an angry red and charred black in places. His entire arm was flayed open almost like a dead fish at the market. Swollen blisters were rapidly forming on his skin as blood dripped down his arm.
"What happened?" She gasped in horror.
"I tried to pull you out with this hand first." James's face was going pale quickly as he sat up, holding his burned hand gingerly in front of him.
Wanda swallowed, trying to force back the urge to vomit, ice cold guilt and shame washing over her. She glanced at his metal hand, relieved to see it had no damage.
"James, I'm so sorry." She said hoarsely, trying to blink back tears. Her hands fluttered anxiously around his arm. She wanted to wrap her magic around the wound, try to soothe it, but her magic had done this and she was terrified of hurting him further.
"I can…I can try to find a first aid kit." She stammered. "I'm sure there is-"
James interrupted hoarsely, holding his arm out to her. "Try. With your magic."
Wanda shook her head anxiously. "I can't, James-"
"You can." James said. The muscles in his face were still taut with pain and his hand shook, but his gaze was steady.
Wanda hesitated, but her magic was singing in her blood, begging her to reach out and take his arm. With shaking fingers, she carefully summoned her magic and wrapped it around his hand and arm without actually touching him. A muscle jumped in his jaw, but he didn't make a sound. She didn't know how to heal someone, or if she even could. She focused on the gentle warmth of the scarlet tendrils enveloping his arm and closed her eyes, imagining his hand and arm whole again.
James inhaled sharply, and her eyes flew open, terrified of what she might see. But under her hands James' arm was smooth, uninjured flesh.
Wanda released him and tucked her shaking hands into her lap. James experimentally turned his hand, moved his fingers, and made a fist. He huffed what could almost be called a laugh through his nose and met her gaze again.
"Good as new." He said lightly.
Wanda squeezed her hands into tight fists and glared at him, suddenly furious. "It's not funny."
James' expression grew grave. "No." He said seriously. "It's not. You were disintegrating."
Wanda's eyes flashed. "Then you should never have reached your hand-"
James lifted his metal hand, wiggling his fingers at her. She batted it away.
"Even your metal hand!" She raged. "What would you have done if I couldn't heal you?"
The corner of James' mouth turned up slightly. "But you did."
"I am not worth that risk!" She snapped.
The silence that followed her outburst suddenly seemed terribly heavy.
"You are to me." James said quietly.
Wanda looked away, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. The clock on the wall ticked loudly in the silence. Her eyes burned. Pietro would have said something like that. The ache in her chest felt unbearable.
"Do you think this is Hell?" She finally asked in a small voice.
James looked startled. "Hell? No."
A tear escaped down her cheek. "How do you know?"
James smiled a tight bitter smile. "If this were Hell, you would not be here Wanda."
More tears escaped. She hated how unsteady those words made her feel so she focused instead on her anger.
"And you would be?"
"Wanda-" He began.
She swore at him in Slovak, a filthy expression that Pietro liked to use when he was angry. The shock on his face felt like a small victory.
"I volunteered to join Hydra. Did Steve tell you that?" She was on her feet now, her voice raised. "I wanted to hurt people."
He was on his feet as well, but he couldn't quite hide the surprise and emotion that flashed across his face. So he hadn't known then. Of course. Steve probably wouldn't have shared that part.
"So don't you dare try to tell me that your soul is more damned than mine." She continued furiously. "You had no choice, but I did."
They were facing each other, so she saw it happen. One minute James' face was full of emotion and the next his expression went eerily blank. A jolt went through Wanda as she recognized the Winter Soldier, fear mixed with something else. Something familiar. As the seconds turned into minutes, concern began to bleed through her anger. He didn't move, standing rigidly, and his eyes unfocused.
"James-" She finally said anxiously, reaching out to touch him.
His eyes snapped to hers and she flinched, snatching her hand back.
"You were just a kid." He said roughly.
She stared at him, her mind spinning, trying to follow.
"You were starving on the streets. It was winter. Pietro was sick and you had a broken leg." His voice was unsteady, but his eyes were locked on hers.
"How do you-" Wanda whispered shakily, but he interrupted.
"Hydra found you. They made you an offer you couldn't refuse. They promised to make you strong. Strong enough to kill the man who killed your parents. They promised to make you as strong as me. "
Wanda sucked in a gasp, the memory suddenly crashing over her.
The cold gray streets covered in snow. The gnawing hunger in her stomach. Pietro's flushed face, burning with fever. Baron Strucker's soft German accent as he gently put a splint on her leg. The motionless Soldat [soldier] standing behind him, metal arm glinting, half of his face covered in a black mask. The dark rage that lurked under her skin that seemed to ignite at the man's words. Her hunger for vengeance echoed in Pietro's bright eyes.
Wanda stumbled back slightly, her head pounding, but the memories kept coming.
The smell of metal and leather as the Soldat carried her back to the base. The emptiness in his blue gray eyes seemed at odds with how gently he held her, trying to avoid jostling her broken leg.
" Der Soldat wird euch beide beschützen [The Soldier will protect you both] ." Baron Strucker's monocle glinted in the dim light. "Fürchtet euch nicht, meine Kinder. Du bist jetzt einer von uns. [Have no fear my children. You are one of us now] ."
The screams that echoed throughout the dark, damp hallways. The other children crying, asking to go home. The body bags wheeled out of the facility. Baron Strucker soothing them, gesturing to the grim Soldat where he stood guarding the door.
" Viele Männer versuchten, das Serum zu nehmen und stark zu werden. Sie starben alle außer dem Soldaten. Er allein war würdig. Und jetzt ist er Hydras größte Errungenschaft. Die anderen Kinder waren hier zu schwach. [Many men tried to take the serum and become strong. They all died except for the soldier. He alone was worthy. And now he is Hydra's greatest achievement. The other children were too weak here.]" He reached out and gently tapped the side of Wanda's head. "Aber ihr zwei seid stark. Sie werden sich durchsetzen. Ich glaube an dich. [But you two are strong. You will prevail. I have faith in you.]"
Pietro hugging her tightly and then walking away as she cried. Long hours of agonized waiting. The Soldat finally bringing the news that her brother had survived and would be quarantined to recover. The lonely weeks that followed with only the grim Soldat for company. Coaxing him to give her news on Pietro or just to talk. His gruff one word answers slowly turning into short sentences. The way his eyes began to flicker with emotion when he talked.
Waking up screaming from a nightmare to the Soldat shaking her. The creak of the bed springs as he carefully sat beside her. The way he stiffened when she threw her arms around him and cried into his shoulder, but did not push her away.
A Hydra soldier cornering her in the bathroom after her shower. Her terrified screams. The Soldat ripping the man away and choking him with his metal hand. The very real fury in the Soldat's eyes as the man went limp.
Moments training in hand to hand combat with the Soldat. The pleasant electricity in her skin when he gripped her arms to demonstrate a hold. The way her face flamed when he pinned her to the mat, his body flush against hers.
The first time his lips twitched upwards in a smile.
Moments of confusion where he seemed to not know where or who he was. The Soldat pacing her small room, restless and agitated. Knowing she should tell Baron Strucker, but hiding it without really knowing why.
The first time she kissed him and his mouth hungrily responded for a brief moment before pushing her away and leaving, anger flashing in his eyes. Days of the Soldat returning to the grim silent bodyguard again, ignoring her completely. The sharp pain of her broken heart.
The night before she was to start the experiments. Her stomach a tangle of nerves and lonely misery. The Soldat coming into her room, his eyes full of desperate confusion.
" You make me feel human again."
His lips crashing over hers. The feel of his hair in her hands and his hands gripping her hips. The euphoria of tangling together on her small cot, his metal hand gently brushing across her skin.
Baron Strucker and soldiers bursting into the room and the chaos that followed. The Soldat fighting his handlers as soldiers restrained Wanda. Baron Strucker reading Russian words from a red book. The Soldat's tangible fear as his scream changed from anger to desperation. The way he froze and went blank after the final word as Wanda sobbed helplessly.
" Готов выполнить. [Ready to comply]"
Baron Strucker's disappointed face as she begged him to stop. The cold bite of metal as she was strapped into a chair. Her last glimpse of the Soldat watching expressionless before electricity filled her blood.
The floor was shaking, large cracks running up the ceiling. Wanda crouched on the floor gasping, her head pounding as though someone had driven something sharp into her skull over and over. James was crawling across the floor trying to reach her, but the floor was moving him further and further away.
Wanda, zobuď sa. [Wanda, wake up.]
The ceiling gave way, burying them both in rubble and dust and Wanda screamed.