Ch 2- It Felt Just Right
Carson stared back almost speechless as they walked along the path toward the garden. Elsie blushed, noting that his gaze had never left her all this time. She felt like something about the way he stared should have bothered her but it didn't. Elsie couldn't name it in the moment, but in the coming days and weeks she'd note that he looked at her with a sense of awe, admiration and just the perfect amount of lust. She didn't realize she was staring back at him in just the same way, her eyes almost drilling into his, locking into his gaze and enticing him to pursue her further.
The sun hung low in the sky beginning to set in the distance, its decent dimmed the light just a little as it does on a summer evening, causing a cool, but gentle breeze to pick up, signaling that although darkness was coming the night was young, and ripe for men to come out and play.
Elsie smiled back at him, watching his strong arms carefully as they walked together, finding she longed for him to hold her tight. She was shocked, almost frightened by the thought. It hit her like a shockwave at first, it's affect slowing as she realized how right the mere idea of it felt. He turned to her warmly and smiled as they entered the garden. He wanted, with everything in him, to extend his hand to hers but felt it was too soon.
"Thank you for coming away with me." He smiled instead.
Elsie almost gulped, her heart pounding at the sight of his smile. She'd never known feelings like this and certainly had never had them for the man who'd asked for her hand back home in Scotland. Elsie knew that whatever came of her life, she'd rather have known Mr. Carson's smile even just once, than spent a lifetime at Joe's side. Something deep inside Elsie quietly wished that Carson would desire her as Joe had, not knowing he already loved her in a way Joe never could've even after a life spent together.
Carson thought it was the garden's best time of year: when it was most lush and full of life. He picked a single white rose and handed it to her, causing her to blush again. No one had ever given her flowers before in all her life, not even just one and she was overwhelmed by the sweetness of the gesture. He watched her carefully as she closed her eyes and put her nose in it, admiring her long beautiful lashes and the soft curve of her face. He couldn't say, even to himself, how much he longed to take her face in hand and guide it toward his, sinking his lips into her own.
"It's beautiful." She smiled.
'Not more so than you.' He longed to confess.
"No one's ever given me flowers before."
Carson said nothing for a moment, thinking about how he wanted to give her so much he knew she hadn't had. He knew she'd been a poor farm girl who lived with little. He longed to ensure not just that she was cared for, but that she have some beauty and happiness in her life, the kind that such a lovely woman deserved. He'd overheard her tell Mrs. Patmore (as they were becoming friends and exchanging stories in the way many women do when they first know each other) that her father had been present but uninvolved. From the moment he'd discovered that, Carson had wanted to be the man in her life, the one she'd never had before. He almost ached to love her, protect her and show her everything a good man could be: to show her she was his treasure.
After a moment he realized he'd said nothing and yet she was still smiling back. No one had ever put Carson at a loss for words before Elsie Hughes came along and he was unsettled by it, not really knowing how to react. He was a bit more experienced than she, but the things she did to him, the way she tripped him up: it all scared him. When his thoughts finally stopped, Carson noted that they were both staring, her eyes locked on his. She blinked, as she looked up at him, her eyes warm but wandering, almost searching for something, her smile tender.
'My Elsie.' He whispered under his breath. She couldn't hear the words but seemed to understand what he met.
He swallowed, barely able to breathe, as his heart started to pound, anticipating what he thought would be a kiss. He pulled back when their lips didn't meet, both of their hearts heavy with disappointment.
'She can't love me.' He thought.
'No one will ever love me. Not someone like him.' She smiled bittersweetly, clutching the white rose in her hand.
Touched by the rose, she considered it a precious gift and planned to press it and keep it tucked away forever. Perhaps it would be the only gift she ever received from a man she loved. And so she planned to keep it, as a wonderful memory and a testament to the fact that she'd once loved someone very much. Carson's heart was heavy and Elsie felt on the brink of tears as they made their way through the garden, each inching a little closer to the other.
"Miss Hughes, have you spent much time in town?" He inquired as they continued their walk and she clutched her rose, as if to beg God for him to feel something for her.
She shook her head, "I have not Mr. Carson. I've only been the once when I arrived."
"Well that was a month ago, over that now."
Elsie worked herself to the bone and had not had the time or strength to explore the village yet. She figured, hopefully, she'd have many years ahead at Downton to do so. So far, she'd spent her time off resting, exploring the grounds or socializing with her new friend, Mrs. Patmore.
"I'd be happy to show you around, but first, are you hungry, I know a lovely little place."
….
Elsie was surprised by the place he took her. She'd expected a pub, or something of the sort, not a tiny, elegant restaurant emblazed in candlelight. She didn't think she'd ever been to such a beautiful establishment in all her life and looked around in wonderment, her eyes aglow. He watched her closely, having of course already made a habit of studying her. By now he knew her almost intimately: her quirks, mannerisms, reactions. He'd even committed all the lines of her face, the curves of her cheeks and lips to memory. In all these weeks he'd never seen her so amazed, and took joy in watching her beautiful blue eyes just sparkle. He wished he could really make her that happy, that he could make her world anew and see her eyes sparkle every day of his life.
'I want nothing but to love you.' His conscious whispered, but his lips new better and stayed quiet.
"A toast." He said instead, pouring a bit more wine for each of them. She blushed, reaching out to take the glass and toast him. He paused for a moment, wanting to make a toast to his wishes for a life with her, but instead said something a bit more generic: "To your time here."
The couple drank with ease but found themselves almost too nervous to eat. Food was the farthest thing from either of their minds right then. To Mr. Smith, the proprietor of the restaurant, it appeared to be an awkward business. He noted the body language between the two the moment they'd walked in, seeing that they were both hesitant but transfixed on each other at the same time, seeming to shut down the bulk of the world around them in favor of each other.
For Charlie and Elsie, none of this was awkward. While fearful, they felt absolutely in sync with each other. Neither of them were shy, but both found themselves afraid to say as much as they'd like. Each spoke with trepidation at first, but went ahead anyway, feeling a pressing need to find out more about the other, their curiosity and growing comfort triumphing over their fear with each passing breath. Elsie looked back at him, convinced a man such as this could never love her in the way she loved him. Charlie felt that rejection was likely immanent but that life depended on contact with Elsie Hughes, and that he had to engage with her, whatever the costs, afraid or not.
Mr. Smith had never seen the formidable butler quite like he was that night. He observed that Carson had let his guard down, as if he were a fearful, but eager schoolboy. In just an instant, the restaurateur knew the spell that seemed to transfix the two was simply love at its purest… and perhaps a little bit of lust at it's most primal.
Elsie felt increasingly drawn into him as they spoke, their awkward pauses gradually turning into laughter. They didn't realize that neither of them stopped blushing the entire time. He found himself simply glued to her smile and the way it played across her beautiful lips. He watched as she laughed, having to hold himself back from leaning across the table and seizing her lips with his.
Instead of kissing her, he decided to try a slightly less bold move and took her hand as they got up to leave. His heart flipped as she accepted the gesture, squeezing his hand and making sure he wouldn't let go of her. He was floored, having been sure she'd pull away, even at the suggestion that they might hold hands.
Carson felt powerless as they left the restaurant. The last thing on earth he wanted was to return to Downton. He felt like he'd be missing some great chance in doing so, but he wasn't sure what it could be. All he knew was that he wanted to prolong things, to keep her at his side as long as possible.
"Where to now Mr. Carson?" She asked, looking up at him as they walked out into the night.
"How would you like to do a little bit of stargazing?"
…
"It's so beautiful." She paused, looking up at the stars.
He swallowed hard. He wasn't looking at the sky, he couldn't. On that night, he found that for him, the wonders of the universe existed only within the confines of her eyes.
Carson had taken her back to a secluded part of Downton's garden. It was a long ways away from the house, a lonely grassy spot on top of a little hill. It was a place where the night was dark but the stars shone bright, seeming to give off a little glimpse of heaven. It was a true, moonlight garden and she was overwhelmed by the romantic gesture he'd made in bringing her there.
She giggled, looking back at him, for the first time noting just how much he was staring. Her eyes locked into his in an instant and they paused, searching each other's gaze. Both of their hearts began to pound as he leaned in ever so slowly, brushing his lips against hers. Her first kiss started out chaste and pure, but took a drastic turn when it came time for them to pull apart. They paused for just a moment, allowing each other a breath before he dove back in, pressing his lips hard against hers. She parted her lips, tilting her head as he gently cupped her cheeks in his hands. Elsie hadn't really known how to kiss before this, but quickly responded in kind, kissing him eagerly in reply.
Carson stared back at her, almost shaking when they finally pulled apart. He rested his forehead against hers, unwilling to part with her completely, both of them panting as she reached up to brush his face. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she rubbed her nose against his, leaning in after a second and continuing the kiss. Carson couldn't believe he'd been brave enough to kiss her and that it'd delighted her so. He didn't think anything in life had ever brought him so much relief or joy. He sunk back into her lips again, more greedily this time, finally allowing himself to admit that he was in love and that she might love him.
Her pulse raced as they pursued each other, wanting more and more even though she felt just about to burst with joy. His gaze had made her heart flutter, but she'd never considered the effect his simple touch would have: she had no earthly words for the electrifyingly wonderful bliss she felt when he touched her.
"I can't live without you." He whispered, his breath brushing her lips softly as he pulled away, leaning his forehead against hers.
Elsie sighed, still in a little bit of a daze. Her eyes were closed and she sat there with him, relishing the feel of having him so close as the warm July breeze floated through her hair. She paused, wondering if it would be right to confess that she loved him.
"A-and." He paused, nervous now, wondering if he was really about to do this. He thought back to earlier when he'd realized that he had no words for how she made him feel, that he had to pursue her whatever the costs: it just felt right. She sighed happily, and in a moment, he knew he had to follow his heart. "And I would love it if you would marry me."
He'd never been so nervous or felt so venerable in his life as he did in those moments between his 'marry me' and her 'yes.' For a moment, he even wondered why he was asking this girl who made him do crazy things like kiss her in a field in the middle of the night, to marry him. But then he realized he was right, he hadn't just said it to say it: he didn't think he could live without her.
She stared back, completely shocked when she heard him ask this. Marriage? A mix of emotions ran through her head. For a moment she was overjoyed, then flattered and then awed, then scared… and suddenly she started to laugh softly, finding it funny she'd experienced so much trepidation with regard to Joe's proposal and that with Charlie her answer had been almost instant.
"W-what's wrong?" He asked, his eyes growing obviously sad.
"Oh yes, yes of course I'll marry you, my Charlie!" She cried, throwing her arms around him and beginning to kiss him again.
He felt such love and relief wash over him the moment he heard her reply. In hindsight, he didn't know if he'd ever been so elated in his life or if anything in the world could ever match the joy he'd experienced when she said yes.
'She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.' He thought. 'She's everything. She's perfect. And she's going to be my wife!'
He said nothing and instead, pressed his lips eagerly into hers again, she shrieked and giggled as he pulled her fully into his arms.
"I love you." He whispered, tears in his eyes.
He ran his fingers through her hair firmly holding her head in his big strong hands. She cried, recognizing that his embrace felt just right.
"Oh Elsie, I love you so much." He whispered into her lips.
This time she was the one to grab his face and initiate the kiss once again. Both were afraid, and at once completely overjoyed. Neither were the type to fall head over heals so expediently, but they understood implicitly what was there, written in the stars before them, and in every gaze, every kiss. Nothing needed to be explained, discussed or declared because nothing had ever felt more right to either of them.
"I've been waiting for you." She whispered as he gently brushed his nose against hers. "I've waited for you for so long. And I can't wait to be your wife."
"Let's do it now." He whispered.
"What?!"
"The family won't return for days. Come away with me, marry me tonight!"
…..
The next thing Elsie knew they were on the train to York, the last one of the evening. She wasn't sure how she felt, going away with him at night when it didn't seem they could be married until morning. The concept scared her a little. Furthermore, she wasn't sure she liked the idea of going away, even for just a day, without having packed anything. The notion of spending her first night with her husband without a nightdress, or getting married without a gown and at least some flowers she liked saddened her. At the same time, she couldn't deny that she loved this man and couldn't wait to marry him. This was the only time they'd be able to sneak away and wed in the foreseeable future and she knew she wanted to jump at it instead of waiting.
Charlie and Elsie were trying their best to keep a safe distance apart on the train. Carson, after all, was ever the proper man and not the type to kiss, as they'd been doing in the garden, in front of so many strangers, and more importantly townspeople who might know them. Even so, they found it difficult not to keep staring. Each of them snuck a few kisses when they were sure no one was looking their way.
As the train rolled along, Carson wondered if he was acting in haste. He looked over at her as she gazed out the window, smiling sweetly. She looked so beautiful to him in that moment that he thought his heart would stop. He couldn't believe she was about to be his. She was breathtaking and in that space in time he noticed how young and innocent she seemed to be compared with him. In that instant, Charlie felt bad. She was a girl in some sense. How could he steal her away so quickly and marry her without a ring, a dress or any of the other niceties that weddings entailed? She deserved those things. He was about to open his mouth to speak when she leaned over and kissed him deeply, making him forget all of his worries for a few seconds.
"I can't wait Charlie." She whispered, her eyes still sparkling.
"Nor can I." He smiled deeply, his heart pierced with happiness as she looked up at him. He placed his nose against hers and sighed, peacefully.
There was so much to be done, but he felt at deep peace, the greatest mystery of his life having been answered that night. She was to be his wife. Elsie felt much the same. She knew without doubt that he was the answer to so much of what she'd been praying for all this time, there could be no other worldly answer to her happiness. She leaned in to sneak one more kiss, sure no one was looking, both of them sad to pull apart when it ended. She knew there would be a lot of that when they returned to Downton: a longing for each other, physical and emotional desire that had to be kept hidden away. Both of them were sad for that.
"I'm so happy, so tickled… so proud that you'd agree to be my wife." He smiled, tears in his eyes.
"Oh my Mr. Carson, from this day forward I will always be yours."
"And you will always be mine, my Mrs. Hughes."
…
Charlie and Elise both felt like they'd made a mistake when they got to York. It was late and while the much bigger town was abuzz they were sure they wouldn't find a place to wed or to hang their heads. They didn't confer about it; but both thought their dilemma made sense. This was the sort of thing that happened when proper, moral, orderly people did madly impulsive things: they ended up in trouble.
Both were nervous if not afraid. It wasn't until they reached their final destination that they began to consider the reality of their situation: they were going to have to sleep together. Carson wouldn't admit it aloud, finding the thought alone ungentlemanly, but every bit of him relished the idea of a night with her, skin on skin, her warm breath against his…
But even so, he had every desire to wait to bed her until they were married. Elsie had similar thoughts about him she wouldn't air, but was also terrified at the idea of going through with it: married or not. It was another reason she'd said no to Joe. She didn't love him nearly enough to be intimate with him. But Charlie. She'd do anything for Charlie no matter how afraid she was. Elsie gulped, realizing that terrified or not, some part of her was anticipating the whole thing.
The couple walked hand-in-hand through the busy streets, unsure of where to go or what they'd done. It would be along time before either of them knew they'd been thinking the same thoughts during that walk. Most notably they both quickly came to the conclusion that while their hasty trip to York might've been a poor choice, their decision to marry would not be.
"Charlie look." She said as they passed the courthouse, noting it was bustling with people just like the street all around it.
He paused and read the sign written in chalk outside. Two of the town's judges were presiding over a community event that night, and another one, over night court.
"Charlie they can marry us."
"Don't be absurd! I'll not have you around those people! Marriage is sacred. It's special. Ours especially. I won't wed you without a proper…"
Elsie laughed. "Oh Mr. Carson, none of this is proper. I haven't got a proper dress; you've not got a ring. I'm wearing black and grey for heavens sakes!"
"I'll buy you a ring." He said, kissing her hand.
"I love you and I know you will." She sighed, understanding he felt bad. "But Charlie. Please understand I came away with you tonight because I love you, and I can't wait to marry you. Can you wait to marry me?"
"No." He admitted, taking both of her hands in his own. "I can't wait to start a life with you."
"Nor I with you. Charlie anywhere I go with you is special. Anywhere we get married is special. Please, make me your wife."
….
"I Elspeth Hughes."
"I Elspeth Hughes." She repeated.
"Take this man to be my…"
Carson and Elsie both felt totally dumbstruck when their ceremony began. They'd started off the evening both so in love they were heartsick, never expecting to get anywhere with talking to each other, much less here before a judge late at night. It was such a strange, surreal thing, but both of them knew without a doubt that they were right where they were met to be. For them, the joyous feeling of having met their destiny was so overwhelming that it seemed to shroud all other possible feeling or understanding in a dense cloud of mystery neither of them cared to understand. They had had ever felt so right about anything in the whole of their lives and they never would again.
Elsie was crying and Carson had tears in his eyes as they exchanged their vows, making promises to love, honor, cherish and obey that both treasured but neither felt conveyed the depth of their love. Both decided they would say those things later, on their first night together as man and wife, and that they'd make a point of saying it, and showing them everyday for the rest of their lives together.
Elsie's heart pounded ferociously as they married, part of her panicked by her choice and what the rest of the night would entail, another part so completely overjoyed: Charlie was her destiny and she his purpose. Both could sense this so definitively in the other that each of them felt whole for the first time in their lives.
"With this ring, I thee wed."
"With this ring, I thee wed." Charlie repeated, kissing her finger instead of placing a ring on it.
"With thy body I thee worship."
"With thy body I thee worship." She blushed when he said this.
"All my other worldly gifts I thee endow."
"All my other worldly gifts I thee endow."
"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost."
"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
The judge watched, as Charlie wasted no time and leaned in, wrapping his arms tightly around Elsie and kissing her deeply. He was slightly astounded, having never expected that night's proceedings would be interrupted by a young couple wanting to wed. Truthfully, he thought it was a nice departure from most of his regular roles, and that it would make a good story to tell one day.
He found the couple a bit overzealous, but sensed that they were committed, that this marriage would be a long and lovely one. He paused, watching the two still entranced in their first kiss, knowing well the spell that seemed to transfix the pair: it was simply love at its purest… and perhaps a little bit of lust at it's most primal.