Chapter 21
'Cause even underneath the waves
I'll be holding on to you
And even if you slip away
I'll be there to fall into the dark
To chase your heart
No distance could ever tear us apart
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
I'll find my way back to you
-Find My Way Back To You by Eric Arjes
Wanda woke up bolting upright in bed.
Her heart was pounding, but whatever dream she'd been having had dissolved almost as soon as she'd opened her eyes. It was so frustrating to be left sitting frozen in terror in the darkness and have no idea why.
She sat still for a few minutes, desperately trying to recall whatever her dream had been, before giving up. It looked like it was the middle of the night, but she was wide awake now and her skin felt clammy and her legs restless and she had to pee. She shifted her legs off the bed only to feel the IV line in her hand catch on something. Swearing in Slovak under her breath, she tugged on the IV line with her bandaged hand, trying to free it, when a gravelly voice suddenly spoke from the darkness.
"You goin somewhere?"
Wanda let out a sharp gasp, nearly leaping out of her skin. A light flicked on to reveal James sitting in the lounge chair. Wanda pressed her bandaged hand against her chest where her heart hammered and tried to breathe normally.
"I just…I need to use the bathroom."
Emotion flashed across his face and she winced, knowing he was remembering the last time she'd gone into the bathroom. He got to his feet and approached, bending down to free the IV line from where it'd gotten caught on the bed.
"Your door is gone, but Nat put up a curtain for some privacy." He rolled the IV stand back so it was out of the way. "Careful standin up. Strange said you might feel dizzy."
Wanda slid off the bed and stood and immediately swayed slightly as the room spun. James' hand grabbed her arm to steady her, and his hand was so cold to the touch that she glanced down to see why. It was metal . His entire hand, no, his entire arm. She followed it up with her eyes to where it disappeared under his t-shirt sleeve. When she met his gaze again, he looked almost…apprehensive.
"Sorry." She said, feeling bad. "I didn't mean to stare."
He shrugged slightly, but his eyes still looked troubled. "Does it bother you?"
She blinked at him in surprise. "No."
Now he looked surprised. Wanda felt like she was missing something.
"Did it bother me before?" She asked.
"No." He said immediately.
"Well good, cause that'd be a stupid thing for me to care about."
A startled grin spread across his face and it made her heart do a little flip. He helped her walk to the bathroom, pushing the IV stand along with them. The doorway to the bathroom definitely looked like it had seen better days, but the curtain hanging in the doorway was nice and thick. Wanda stepped inside, pulling the IV stand with her and couldn't help glancing at the floor. It was pristinely white again with no sign of blood. It almost made her uneasy how well they'd cleaned everything up, like it didn't even happen.
She used the bathroom as quickly as she could, extremely conscious of James waiting on the other side of the curtain. As she washed her one good hand, she frowned at her reflection. Her neck was bandaged again and she was wearing that hideous nightgown.
"Do I have any other clothes?" She asked as she stepped back out.
James pushed himself off the wall where he'd been leaning, waiting for her, his eyebrows raised. "Yeah I think there's some in the dresser."
Wanda pulled open a drawer and rifled through it. She found a loose sleeveless shirt and a pair of sweatpants and pulled them out. She was wearing a sports bra and underwear under the nightgown, thank goodness, so she honestly didn't feel weird about stepping into the pants and then pulling the nightgown off over her head. James made a slight choking noise, but when she looked at him, he simply started working on disconnecting the IV line so she could get dressed without getting tangled. As she pulled her shirt over her head, she swayed slightly and his hands grasped her waist to steady her. It was a strange sensation, having one warm hand against her bare skin and one cold. When she got the shirt over her head and arms, she paused, looking up at him. She let the shirt fall down to cover his hands, but he stayed gently holding her waist. She turned her body slowly to face him, and he released her just enough so she could turn, his hands trailing across the bare skin of her stomach. As she met his gaze, she felt like there was something lingering right on the edge of her brain. She was afraid to look directly at it in case it disappeared, but she knew that she liked his hands on her skin.
"О чем ты сейчас думаешь? [What are you thinking right now?] " She asked, surprised by the Russian words that came out of her mouth.
He looked surprised too, but he gave her a crooked smile. "Обменяю мысль на мысль. [Trade you a thought for a thought.]"
That seemed fair. She cautiously lifted her hands to place them on his forearms. She felt his muscles tense in his human arm, like he was expecting her to remove his hands, but he slowly relaxed when she simply rested her hands on his arms. They were farther apart than they'd been when they'd hugged, but for some reason, this felt more intimate.
She took a breath and went for terrifying honesty. "Я думаю, что мне нравится, когда ты прикасаешься ко мне. [I'm thinking that I like it when you touch me.]"
His eyes sparked and it made her want to shiver in a good way. C cub vccc"Я думаю так же. [I'm thinking the same.]"
Heat curled low in her belly. "Тебе нравится, когда ты прикасаешься ко мне, или тебе нравится, когда я прикасаюсь к тебе? [You like it when you touch me or you like it when I touch you?]" She slid her hands up his forearms a little more, watching his face.
He swallowed hard, his dark eyes flickering over her face like he was trying to read her expression, his muscles flexing beneath her fingers.
"Оба. [Both]" He said in a low voice.
She did shiver then, and his gaze sharpened on the movement. Her heart was pounding. It felt like this, whatever this was, was moving fast but also felt so natural? It was so unnerving to feel drawn to him like this, but have an empty void where it seemed like past memories of him should exist. Part of her wanted to retreat to stay safe, like a self-preservation instinct, but another part of her wanted to throw herself off this cliff and fly. She wondered how she'd been before. Had she been cautious or bold? She opened her mouth to ask, but the door suddenly burst open. Wanda let out a startled gasp and James immediately protectively pulled her closer. They both stared at Tony Stark who was standing in the doorway, breathing heavily, and glaring at them.
"F.R.I.D.A.Y." He barked. "This is not a panic attack."
"Apologies, boss." The AI said. "Wanda's heart rate was accelerating rapidly."
"No shit." Tony snapped, still glaring. "Barnes, you need to go take a cold shower?"
Wanda glanced up at James' face to find him grinning. He was still holding her against his chest protectively. "You better fine tune F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s sensors, Stark."
"Wow, am I interrupting?" Sam said from the cobwebby stairs.
Wanda's face warmed as she met his eyes. She was sitting on a dirty concrete floor, practically in James' lap wrapped up in his arms.
"Yes, go away." James grinned cheekily.
"Steve is a saint for putting up with you all these years, Casanova." Sam rolled his eyes. "Come on, we need to go get some breakfast before Steve gets hangry."
"Hey, you ok?"
Wanda looked up to see James looking down at her, a slightly worried crease between his eyes. She blinked, trying to hold onto the memory, terrified it might slip through her fingers.
"I'm ok." She said somewhat distantly.
"You should get back to bed." He said gently.
"Give me a fucking heart attack." Tony was grumbling next to the door.
James hooked the IV line back up for her and then helped her back to bed. Tony grumbled a few more things, finishing with "keep the excitement down please" before he left. James looked down at her in the bed and raised an eyebrow. Somehow Wanda knew exactly what he was asking, though she couldn't explain it. She nodded and watched as he pulled his chair up close to the bed. Wanda held her bandaged hand out towards him and James gently covered her hand with his human one. They couldn't entwine fingers because of the bandages, but he gently stroked the top of her hand with his thumb. Wanda lay there watching their hands and thinking about the tiny memory that had flashed through her mind. She wanted to tell him that she'd remembered it, but it felt too fragile, too precious to say out loud. As she slowly drifted back to sleep, she wished she could remember more.
It was so cold, but she stood straight, shoulders back, feet in position, neck elongated. When the music began, crackling on the record player, she swept her arm gracefully and took her first step. She danced perfectly in tandem with the other girls. They were not individual dancers. They were one.
They danced until the first girl collapsed. The cold bit into her bare shoulders as she waited for the guards to drag the girl away.
"еще раз [Again]"
The music began again. She swept her arm gracefully and took her first step. Her breath made white clouds in the air and ice flecked on her eyelashes. Blood stained her ballet flats, but she felt nothing. Another girl collapsed.
"еще раз [Again]"
She pulled the trigger without blinking. The man in the chair toppled over to the floor, red staining the burlap sack over his head. The guards dragged the body away, leaving streaks of blood on the floor. She noted his expensive shoes impassively. She did not know who he was, and it did not matter.
The next man was thrown into the chair, his head hanging low. His face was not covered. She blinked once at the change, but stood silent and waiting.
"еще раз [Again]"
She raised her arm, cocked the pistol, and the man looked up. His blond hair was disheveled, his blue eyes full of pain and betrayal.
"Natasha." Steve said hoarsely.
She pulled the trigger.
The bullet froze, hovering directly in front of Steve's forehead. She lowered her arm, a cold sweat covering her skin. She was barely breathing, suddenly terrified. Her eyes were locked on Steve's, panic roaring in her ears.
Wanda stepped out of the shadows and carefully pushed the bullet aside. As suddenly as it had stopped, time began again, and the bullet slammed into the wall behind Steve. Natasha dropped her gun, barely hearing it clatter to the ground.
Wanda turned and looked at her, and the two women stared at each other for a moment. Then Wanda and the room vanished, leaving Natasha standing on a quiet sandy beach. She stared at the bright blue waters and felt the warm sun on her skin. Up ahead she could see a figure standing in the sand, gazing out at the ocean. Somehow she knew that it was Steve, waiting for her. Knew that if she wished, she could join him.
She broke into a run, pure joy in her heart. He turned and saw her, that smile lighting up his face. He caught her in his arms, spinning them both around, those blue eyes sparkling.
"I love you." She said softly.
"I love you too." He said, pressing a kiss to her temple, then her nose, then her cheek, before finally meeting her lips.
Natasha woke with tears glimmering in her eyes.
Tony's finger hovered over the call button on the phone.
"C'mon." He muttered to himself. "Just do it."
He made a face and pushed the button. It rang twice before she answered.
"Tony?" Pepper said, her voice crisp.
"Hey." He said with a false confidence. "I have a special project that I'd like your help with."
"Tony, if this is an innuendo-" She began in an irritated tone.
"No." He interrupted quickly. "I need to find a therapist. Uh, several in fact. To have on call at the compound. They have to be ok with an iron-clad NDA. And obviously be the best of the best. That goes without saying. No one who's ever had a reality tv show. Maybe somebody with experience with army vets and ptsd and, uh, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropists."
In the silence, he felt his anxiety ratchet up.
"If you're too busy, that's ok." He added quickly. "I'm only asking cause you found the best doctors for the compound, and, well, you always find the best everything so I thought-"
"Tony." Pepper interrupted, her voice softer. "Of course I'll help."
Steve sat in the lounge chair in Wanda's room, sketching quietly in his small sketchbook in the dim light. Wanda was still asleep, even though it was past noon. He glanced up at her, smiling slightly at how she was sleeping with her arm thrown over her face. She looked so peaceful that it was almost easy to forget the horror of the past few days. At breakfast, Tony had quietly informed him that Pepper was working on hiring some therapists. Most urgently for Wanda, but they would be available for everyone. Then the billionaire had locked himself in his workshop muttering about how F.R.I.D.A.Y. needed some fine tuning.
Someone knocked quietly on the door and Steve looked up to see Sam coming in. He glanced at Wanda and then gave Steve an amused smile.
"Here for my shift." He said quietly as he sat in the lounge chair next to Steve. "Go get some lunch."
The compound was quiet. F.R.I.D.A.Y. informed him that Bucky was in the gym, Tony was still in his workshop, and Nat was in her room. Steve headed for the communal kitchen and pulled out stuff for a sandwich. The sun was shining, and he decided to eat outside even though it was getting close to November. The air was chilly, but not too cold, and the fresh air felt good.
Have I ever actually thanked Tony for this space? He wondered guiltily. The Tower had been impressive, but he preferred the Compound for the quiet. There were no Shield agents here. All the contractors like the doctors and the cleaning crew lived off-site. It made the Compound feel more private, more like an actual home.
"Penny for your thoughts."
He started, looking up at Nat who was smiling down at him. He gave her a wry grin.
"Just thinkin about how I need to actually thank Tony for building the Compound."
She looked especially beautiful, but he thought that every time he saw her. She'd dyed her hair back to red and with it short, she looked a lot like she had when he'd first met her. It made him realize how far they'd come in their relationship. When he'd first met her on the helicarrier, she'd been friendly, but distant. She'd made it immediately clear that they had a business relationship with her tone and body language. He remembered underestimating her. Until he saw her fight for the first time and saw the ruthless way she'd cut through the Chitari.
She'd held him at a distance for a long time. They'd become something like friends in D.C. after Shield came crumbling down and she finally lowered her walls enough for him to get a glimpse of who she was. He didn't know if she thought about their kiss on the escalator as much as he did. Probably not. He was slightly embarrassed how often he thought about it. He'd known that Sharon wanted to kiss him when she'd stolen their gear for them in Germany, but he'd hesitated. Sharon was beautiful and smart, but it felt wrong to kiss her when he was picturing someone else.
"Earth to Rogers."
He flushed slightly, realizing she'd asked him something and he'd totally missed it.
"Sorry, what'd you say?"
"I asked if you wanted to spar." She repeated, an amused smirk on her face.
"Oh! Yeah! Let's do it."
"Meet me in the gym in ten?" Her smirk became a smile that shone through her eyes and transformed her entire face, making his mouth go slightly dry.
"Yeah, sounds good." He managed to say.
It didn't take long for Steve to notice that there was something off about Nat's energy. As they circled each other, breathing heavily, he tried to read her face and figure it out. He regretted his lack of focus a second later when it distracted him just enough for her to catch him off guard with a move that landed him hard on his back on the mat. She grinned down at him, those blue eyes sparkling with mischief.
Whatever was off, it wasn't a bad thing. In fact, it seemed good. Real good. Maybe too good? Was he reading things incorrectly or was she leaning into the chemistry that had existed between them since D.C.?
Nat taking Tony's side about the Accords had been another heartbreak in an already awful time. In just a matter of days he had lost Tony, Nat, Peggy, the Avengers, and was terrified he was about to lose Bucky too. He hadn't been able to resist making that call to Nat after the Vienna bombing. Even though he could see her from his vantage point looking scuffed up but alive, it hadn't been enough. He needed to hear her voice. When she told him to stay out of it, it had been another knife in his heart. She'd been so angry when he and Sam and T'Challa and Bucky had been brought in in Germany, and he'd been so hurt that she was still refusing to trust him. When she let him and Bucky go free in Germany, sacrificing her place with the team, her family, he understood the heavy weight of her actions. He'd known then that he loved her, but he kept those feelings locked up tight. Sam and Bucky and Wanda had obviously picked up on something since they teased him about it, but he hadn't said a word to anyone. He didn't want to lose her friendship, and if it meant locking his own feelings away, so be it.
Natasha held out a hand and he took it, letting her help pull him back to his feet.
"Don't feel bad." She teased. "Everyone gets slower in their old age."
"Oh is that how it is?" Steve grinned, shifting into a stance.
"I'm just calling it like I see it." She matched his stance.
Steve forced himself to focus this time. They exchanged blows fast and furious, ducking and spinning. He'd learned a lot from training with her, adopting some of the Black Widow fighting styles into his own routine. When he used them as they sparred, the delighted grin on her face made his heart race. He thought he had her pinned once as they grappled, using the advantage of his brute strength, but she twisted and slid out of the hold with the gracefulness of an acrobat. He realized he was grinning back at her, their sparring turning more playful. They moved across the mat almost like they were dancing, exchanging blows, ducking and weaving. Finally he managed to pin her, correctly anticipating the way she would move and surprising her with a move he'd picked up from Bucky.
She tapped his arm immediately and he released. She spun to face him, swinging around his body and using his own weight to pull him to the ground. He hit the mat with a startled grunt, but before he could complain about the unfair move, she was kissing him.
Despite the speed at which she moved, the kiss was surprisingly gentle. Chaste, even. She pulled back, her face hovering several inches above his, those blue eyes studying him. He stared back, reading the slight uncertainty and vulnerability she was allowing him to see. His brain finally kicked back into gear and he tugged her back down to kiss her fiercely. She matched him in heat, and he knew that first kiss had been a test, a leap of faith. Into this kiss he poured the years of longing and passion. She tucked a leg beneath his and rolled them so he was now hovering over her. He pulled back and looked at her laying with her red hair spread beneath her on the mat, blue eyes sparkling, and cheeks flushed pink.
"You still uncomfortable?" She asked, her lips curling into a smile just for him.
"Definitely not the word I would use." Steve grinned before lowering his lips back to hers.
Wanda sat in the common room, fidgeting with her bandage. She'd slept for almost twelve solid hours, but she still felt exhausted. Beside her Sam and James were talking. Well. Sam was talking. James was occasionally grunting. They were waiting for Dr. Strange, and while it was nice to get out of her bedroom, the large open room felt almost too big.
"I haven't seen Steve since this morning." Sam was grumbling. "Where'd he go?"
James didn't answer. He just stared at the floor, but one side of his mouth lifted slightly.
"You know something don't you?" Sam accused him. "Spill."
"Don't know nothin." James said to a large potted plant.
"Liar." Sam glared. "This is why Steve is my best friend. He's an honest man."
"Yeah?" James finally looked up at Sam. "You ever play cards with him?"
"What? No, but what's that-"
"Do that and then tell me how honest Steven Grant Rogers is."
Wanda felt a small smile curl around her lips, listening to them bicker. She didn't really mean to use her powers, it wasn't like she was actively trying to see inside their minds, but she kept getting little glimpses into their thoughts. Sam was wondering if Steve and Natasha had finally made a move. And James was thinking about a cold, snowy night around a campfire in the dark woods, cards in his hand, glaring at Steve across the fire as soldiers around them threw their cards down, swearing.
Wanda thought about Natasha's dream she'd accidentally slipped into last night. She'd only seen the woman a few times, but she'd always been very guarded and quiet. The dreamscape had been brutal and cold and left her mouth tasting metallic and bitter. She hoped Natasha wasn't angry about it. She hadn't meant to intrude on her nightmare, and once she'd seen and felt the pain and the horror, she hadn't been able to resist replacing it with something nice and calming. Maybe none of them had seen Natasha all day because she was avoiding Wanda.
The circle of spitting sparks opened up and Dr. Strange stepped out. Both James and Sam fell silent, eying him slightly distrustfully. She caught glimpses of her own unconscious body in both their minds as they both remembered Dr. Strange attempting to forcefully take her from the Compound. They didn't like Dr. Strange, but they'd settled on a reluctant tolerance.
"Good evening, Wanda." Dr. Strange said. "James. Wilson."
The doctor approached in his no-nonsense, businesslike manner. He inspected Wanda's wrist and signed off on removing the IV though he was not pleased that Sam had already done so without authorization.
"Man, I was a combat medic. I think I know when someone doesn't need an IV anymore." Sam said defensively.
"Well seeing as we are not currently in combat, please leave such things to either me or Stark's team of doctors."
"Sure feels like we're currently in combat." Sam muttered and James let out an amused huff.
"I asked Sam if he could take it out." Wanda inserted, feeling guilty. "It's my fault."
"It's fine. Mr. Wilson was correct in his assessment." Dr. Strange said, though it seemed to pain him to admit it.
Sam looked smugly pleased.
"I would like to talk about your missing memories." Dr. Strange said, changing directions suddenly as he settled into one of the lounge chairs. "When you try to remember the past, do you actively try to do so? Would you say it is a more active pursuit?"
Wanda frowned. "Yeah, I guess so."
"A very wise woman once told me that you cannot beat a river into submission; you have to surrender to its current, and use its power as your own."
Wanda blinked. "Are you saying I should stop trying?"
"There is tremendous power in surrendering control." Dr. Strange said. "Sometimes the biggest obstacle we face is ourselves."
"Is he talking in riddles?" Sam muttered to James who grunted.
"But how exactly do I do that?" Wanda asked, slightly impatiently.
"We could try right now if you feel up to it." Dr. Strange offered. "I could help guide you into a meditative state. Maybe we would be able to see the obstacles more clearly."
Wanda hesitated for a brief moment, but then she nodded. The hopeful emotions radiating from Sam and James made her anxious, but she was so tired of feeling empty. Surely anything would be better than this nothing. The small pieces she'd recovered had been mostly good. She remembered James holding her in his lap and felt her cheeks warm slightly.
Dr. Strange opened up another portal, gathering some incense and candles and two floor pillows from the Sanctum Sanctorum. As he used spells to light the incense and candles, Wanda settled on the ground on her floor pillow. Dr. Strange sat across from her, took a deep cleansing breath, and began a series of hand motions that left golden shapes and symbols shimmering in the air. They settled around where the two of them sat, circling.
"Take my hands." Dr. Strange instructed, and Wanda placed her hands in his. "Now I want you to close your eyes and focus on your breaths. Don't try to calm your mind. Just focus on breathing. If your mind starts to wander, simply recognize it, and return to your breaths."
Wanda closed her eyes and tried to follow his directions. At first it was hard to keep her mind from wandering, but eventually she was able to focus on breathing. And suddenly she felt the shift. She would never be able to accurately describe how it felt, but it was as though her inner self opened their eyes.
Keep breathing. She heard Dr. Strange's voice echo in her mind. Focus on your breaths.
Wanda struggled to get back to focusing on her breaths. She was intrigued and frightened and she wanted to explore it more, but eventually she got herself back into that meditative calm. She knew when she had successfully done so because that inner being began to move.
I am going to help suppress your conscious mind. She heard Dr. Strange's voice again in her head.
It felt like golden bands suddenly wound their way around her, restraining her. Her breath started to come a little faster, the sensation of being trapped making her heart race.
You're safe, Wanda. Dr. Strange said gently.
Her mind beat against the golden bonds like a frightened bird, but Dr. Strange was too strong. That inner being felt like it was coming closer to the surface, and for some reason it made her even more terrified.
Wanda.
That was not Dr. Strange's voice.
Let me help.
"Ovládajte to. [Control it]" Mama's voice was sharper, edged with fear.
But she couldn't. She was trapped in Dr. Strange's hold, forced to watch helplessly as the glowing red figure grew closer. It was like a woman made of red light that swirled and danced around her.
Wanda, let me help. The woman said softly and then reached out and touched one glowing finger to Wanda's forehead.
She barely had time to gasp in horror before it felt like she was sucked down a long dark tunnel.
"Wanda Maximoff. As Secretary Ross said, I will be your handler here on the Raft."
The man smiled. Ross had told her his name, but she couldn't remember. She was still crying, her breath coming in panicky gasps. He prowled closer, moving around the small table and directly to her chair. He rolled the chair back with his foot and spun her to face him. She couldn't help trying for the hundredth time to wrench her hands out of the restraints that bound her to the chair. Every instinct in her body was screaming at her to run. The man reached out and gripped her chin, his fingers squeezing painfully tight.
"We're going to be good friends, you and I." He smiled.
"Please." Wanda sobbed. "Please-"
He released her chin to slap her hard across the face. The chair rolled backwards with the force of it.
"You will speak when I say you can speak." He was still smiling pleasantly.
Wanda stared at him, her face stinging.
"Now we're going to play a game. I want you to use your powers."
Wanda blinked. "I can't. The collar-"
He hit her again, but this time with his fist and she tasted blood.
"I hate to repeat myself." He said conversationally. "Use your powers."
Wanda stared at him through the tears, afraid to speak again. She'd been shocked with the collar several times and it was horrible. Her neck still felt raw. Maybe he had turned it off? She experimentally tried calling her powers up, but immediately the collar began to burn so she quickly stopped. He shook his head and clucked disapprovingly and she felt her body start trembling in fear.
His hand lashed out, gripping her around the throat and slowly squeezed. He was strong, more strong than seemed normal. She was choking, desperately trying to suck in a breath as he watched, his face expressionless. Black dots were beginning to fill her vision and she felt her powers building in her chest. She tried to stuff them back down, but she couldn't breathe and as her strength gave out, they raged up to defend her.
The collar went off like fire around her neck. She screamed as the pain raged through her veins, her body convulsing.
She came to on the floor, still restrained to the chair. She'd vomited and her limbs were still spasming. The man crouched down in front of her and smiled.
"Very good." He said. "Now do it again."
Horrible, horrible memories were pouring into her head. Her entire body was seizing in panic. She was screaming, trying to wrench away, trying to escape the flood of pain and torture. But between this glowing being and Dr. Strange, she was effectively helpless. Just like she was in so many of these awful memories. Trapped, again.
Then suddenly, the golden bonds of Dr. Strange vanished and she raged out with a force that made the glowing being disappear like a blown-out candle.
Wanda opened her eyes. She was leaning forward, her palms flat on the floor, sobbing hysterically. Her injured hand and wrist were burning with pain, but she barely noticed. Around her was chaos and shouting. Someone touched her shoulder and she flinched away in a panic.
"-the fuck did you do?"
"What is going on?"
"Strange did something to Wanda!"
"What the fuck?"
"Wanda, are you ok?"
" Never disrupt a spell like that! You could do serious damage to-"
"More serious than this? What did you do?"
"Wanda."
The quiet voice sounded next to her head and she jerked away, looking up to see James' concerned eyes. She knew he was safe. She knew he wasn't going to hurt her, but it was like her mind was only half in the present. The other half was stuck in those memories.
"Nesiahaj na mňa! [Do not touch me!]" The hoarse words were tumbling quickly out of her mouth. "Choď odo mňa preč! [Get away from me!]"
"Listen to me." Dr. Strange's voice rang out, loud and commanding. "She was beginning to get her memories back, but because you interrupted, she does not have the entire picture."
"What fucking memories did you give her?" That was Sam, who sounded furious.
"I didn't give her any." Dr. Strange snapped. "These were the memories closest to her conscious mind. I had no control over what she was going to see."
"Wanda, si v bezpečí. Nikto ti neublíži. [Wanda, you are safe. No one will hurt you.]" James was saying in a low, steady voice as he crouched next to her.
She scrambled quickly away from him until her back hit a wall. Then she tucked her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. The position gave her a tiny bit of comfort, but her mind was flashing through the other times she'd been in this position. The batons shocking her. The guards mocking. The pain.
"Everybody back off. Give her some space." Someone...Natasha said.
Slowly the room quieted. Wanda kept her face pressed into her knees, still shuddering with sobs. Every once and a while she heard James repeating what he'd said in Slovak in a soft voice, but he didn't try to touch her again. She wasn't sure how much time passed before the sobs lessened and she finally felt like she could raise her head.
James was the only one left in the room, sitting cross-legged on the floor a few feet away from her. He met her eyes and she felt like she had double vision. He'd looked at her like this in a house in Sokovia. He'd had blood on his metal hand. She glanced at the metal hand, but there was no blood to be seen.
"Hey." He said quietly.
She stared at him dully and saw the pain that he tried to hide flash across his face.
"We can sit here as long as you need." He said.
"I want to go to my room." Her voice sounded flat and exhausted.
He blinked. "Ok. Can I help you up?"
He held out a hand and even though he moved slowly, she still flinched. A muscle jumped in his jaw as though he'd clenched his teeth. She hesitated, warring with herself, but finally put her unbandaged hand in his and let him pull her up. He released her as soon as she was standing, and she protectively wrapped both arms around her body. He led the way, moving slowly, and she followed. Thankfully they didn't see anyone until they got to her room where Sam and Steve were waiting.
"Wanda." Steve said slightly desperately as he scanned her, but didn't move. "How can we help?"
She had no idea.
"I just want to sleep." She managed to say.
They all exchanged looks that she pretended not to see.
"Ok." Sam said gently.
She took a step towards the bed and then stopped, panic spiking.
"Would a chair be better?" James asked quietly.
She eyed the chairs. There were three in the room. Two were pushed close together on the right side of the bed. She moved towards the one in the corner, curling up into it, trying to make herself as small as possible.
"Do you want a blanket?" Sam asked.
She shook her head almost frantically, her body recoiling at the memory of the strait jacket.
"Ok." Sam said softly. "We're just gonna hang out in here for a while, ok?"
Wanda closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of them settling into the chairs and on the bed. Despite wanting to sleep, she was terrified that she might see more of the memories in her dreams. So she just stayed there, eyes closed but painfully alert, trying to keep her mind empty and blank.
They held an emergency team meeting three days later.
James felt like he was about to snap. Wanda hadn't left her room once. They were barely able to convince her to eat. Despite staying in the chair with her eyes closed, they were relatively certain that she wasn't sleeping very much. When she did sleep, she jerked awake screaming from nightmares.
"This is how it was on the Raft." Sam had said hollowly.
Strange wasn't sure exactly what memories Wanda had seen, but he said some of them were from the Raft. He explained that it was as though all of her most traumatic memories had been hovering nearest to her consciousness. They had contemplated seeing if Wanda would let them try again to try and get the rest of her memories back, but they all knew that wasn't really an option at the moment. Wanda wouldn't let anyone touch her, and none of them were going to force her.
"The good news is that she can remember." Dr. Strange had said gravely. "Unfortunately, that is overshadowed by the fact that she is experiencing all of her trauma again without any of the coping skills she learned while in Canada."
"It's like we're starting all over." Sam said dejectedly.
"I had an idea." Tony said suddenly, and they all looked at him. "You said in Wakanda the first person she talked to was Clint. Which makes sense cause he was the first person on the team that she really connected with. So what if we get Barton?"
"Clint is on house arrest. He can't go anywhere." Nat reminded him, slightly frostily.
"Sorry, I meant, what if we go to Barton?" Tony corrected.
"All of us?" Steve asked, his brows raised.
"Not all of us." Tony admitted. "I think I can convince the Oversight Committee that I want to go visit. They're all pretty busy right now with the Accords and Ross, so I think we can probably get away with smuggling Wanda and maybe one or two other people to the farm."
James met Steve's eyes across the table, feeling a tiny burst of hope. It was actually a pretty good plan. Barton had been an integral part of her initial healing, even though he wasn't able to be there for long.
"What about the kids?" Nat said slowly. "If anything happened, not on purpose," she added as James glared at her "but if Wanda lost control of her powers, they could be in danger."
"Maybe the Barton family could conveniently win an all expenses paid vacation." Tony suggested.
Nat smiled slightly. "There's an indoor waterpark resort a couple hours away that the kids love."
Tony was tapping away at his tablet. "You know credit card companies occasionally have giveaways like this. I'm sure they could be persuaded to help us out."
"Persuaded?" Steve asked doubtfully.
Tony grinned at him over the tablet. "It's not the first time I've gotten a credit card company to go along with a giveaway before."
"Man, you rich people just live completely different lives don't you?" Sam muttered.
"I could portal Wanda and whomever else directly there." Dr. Strange offered.
"So who is going?" Steve asked. "Tony and Wanda and I'm assuming you want to go Buck."
James nodded. He was gonna be there whether they all agreed or not.
"I'll go too." Sam said, giving Steve a slightly sly smile. "You and Romanoff can hold down the fort."
Both Steve and Nat narrowed their eyes at him and despite the stress, James had to suppress a grin. Steve and Nat had completely forgotten that he was also in the gym several days ago. He had managed to slip out unnoticed once they started making out on the mat, and he'd pretended not to notice that they were spending their nights together too. Steve deserved his privacy. And if it drove Sam crazy that James wasn't willing to spill the details, then that was an added bonus.
"So that's the plan?" Dr. Strange asked. "We get the rest of the family away for a vacation and Stark, Barnes, Wilson, and Wanda go to the Barton farm?"
Everyone nodded and the atmosphere in the room seemed slightly lighter now that they had a plan.
"Alright, somebody go sit with Wanda and I'll turn F.R.I.D.A.Y. back to a Level 2 Wanda Watch." Tony said.
"I'm sorry, a what?" Dr. Strange asked curiously.
"I programmed F.R.I.D.A.Y. to have different levels." Tony explained, not looking up from the tablet. "Level 1 is just F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s regular programming. Level 2 is more closely monitoring movement and body vitals. Level 3 puts out an alert if Wanda leaves her room and monitors for any apparent distress and body vital changes. Level 4 is the highest level and runs all the data collected through the Mental State Examination Scale. It sends out alerts to all of us if there is a significant change. We only use Level 4 if we have to leave her alone. I didn't want any cameras in her space, so I just took the time to program F.R.I.D.A.Y. how to do psych evals."
"That's…" Strange began and Tony seemed to steel himself. "...pretty genius."
Tony looked surprised. "Well, it's not perfect, but it works ok."
"I'd like to hear more about it sometime." Dr. Strange said. "Tech like that could be invaluable to psychiatric care."
As James and Sam made their way out of the conference room and down the hall, Sam gave James an incredulous look.
"Did I hallucinate or did those two actually have a civil conversation?"
Wanda stood wearily between James and Sam in her bedroom as Dr. Strange spoke to Tony on the phone. They were going somewhere. Natasha had packed her a bag. No one would tell her exactly where, just that they were going to go visit "a friend." She was pretty sure this would have normally caused her some anxiety, but she couldn't really muster the energy to care. The last several days had felt like she was underwater. She couldn't remember what she'd done or said or eaten. She wasn't even sure how many days had passed since Dr. Strange had "helped" her recover these horrible memories.
She remembered thinking before it happened that any memories would be better than none. It was almost funny how horribly wrong she'd been about that. They'd tried to get her to talk about what she'd remembered, but she couldn't . Finally they'd stopped asking.
So she'd said goodbye to Steve and Natasha and when Dr. Strange opened a portal, she numbly followed James through. She stepped out into a room with cream colored floral wallpaper and lots of windows with gauzy curtains. It was cozy and warm and looked kind of like the country farmhouses she'd seen in American sitcoms. Sitting on a comfy looking couch was Tony Stark, flipping through a magazine called Country Living. He looked incredibly out of place in the rustic decor. But then her gaze swung to the other side of the room where a man was standing, a multitude of emotions in his face and tears in his eyes. She stared at his face, her eyes widening. She knew him.
"Hey kiddo." Clint said, his voice rough with emotion.
He had been there in a lot of those horrible memories. Warm, safe arms holding her while she cried. Bandaging her wounds. Talking to her from his own cell, trying to coax her to speak. Offering comfort at a grave. Protectively sleeping on her floor. She cautiously let the memories flow through her mind. She'd recoiled from these awful memories for days. She hadn't realized there was anything there but pain. And they were painful, but also tinged with his love. She knew he wasn't her real father, but it felt like he was something close.
She dropped the bag she was holding and crossed the room to crash into his arms. He wrapped her in a tight hug, pressing a kiss to her hair.
"Ванда, дорогая. [Wanda, sweetheart.]" He said softly in Russian. "Я так по тебе скучала. [I missed you so much.]"