A/N: Shock, horror, surprise: I actually updated! Lack of certainty of where to go from here, combined with an obsession with another fanfic (Under the Hunter's Moon by saxcuL) led to my delay. But at last, here's a new chapter. Not much action still -- not yet!

Chapter 5: Crossfire

Rintaro thought it wasn't going to be easy to explain to the paramedics why an apparently suicidal man was not only no longer killing himself, but also apparently never intended to in the first place, and was genuinely confused as to why emergency services were called. As it turned out, however, it was actually super easy to explain, barely an inconvenience. As soon as the basic message of "I'm fine now" had been conveyed, the paramedics dropped all interest in the situation. They muttered something about "this sort of thing again" before retiring without a fuss. Now, with the paramedics gone, things could get weird.

Rintaro thought he knew what weird was. He was a time-traveling refugee from a dystopian secret society from the future. He'd seen everything from microwave-induced jelly people to text message-induced sex changes. He thought he'd seen it all.

But today had done a great deal to update his idea of weird. First, he'd survived an apocalyptic storm. Second, he'd time-traveled without a time machine. Third, he'd blacked out and apparently tried jumping out of his apartment.

And now he was talking to a telepathic cat.

"As I was saying..." The cat – well, was it a cat? It certainly stretched like a cat, as it continued to…well, strictly speaking, it didn't speak, or move its mouth or anything. Instead, Rintaro heard a childlike voice in his mind say, "What happened to you just now was that you were affected by a Witch's Kiss. They amplify the victim's negative emotions and make them do all sorts of dangerous, irrational things. Had you been left alone, there was a possibility that you could have died due to your own actions."

"An evil hickey," Itaru commented. Evidently he could hear the voice as well. "That's pretty hot."

"Oh, believe me," the bald man replied, "an evil hickey's not all it's cracked up to be. Especially if you're a cyborg. Then it's just an added maintenance hassle."

"What's a hickey?" asked Mayuri.

"Oh, you don't know?" said the bald man. "You look like you're old enough to have heard of it."

"I'm seventeen," Mayuri supplied.

"Oh, well, close enough," said the bald man. "So, a hickey –"

"Wait wait wait," Rintaro cut in, holding his hands up. "Can we go back to the part where I almost died?"

"You want to do it again?" Itaru questioned him.

"No!" Rintaro slapped his forehead. "Can we go back to talking about it?"

"Strictly speaking," the strange 'cat' said, "I can't talk."

Rintaro sighed and put his face in both his hands. "I'm surrounded by smartasses."

"I'm not smart!" Matsuri declared, raising her hand with a wide grin.

"That's not usually something you brag about," the bald man pointed out.

"Wait wait wait," Rintaro interrupted again. "I changed my mind. I want to ask, who the hell are you?!" He pointed at the bald man. "Oh! And while we're at it –" he pointed at the…creature, and demanded, "Who the hell are you?! What are you? How are you talking in my head?"

"I'm not talking --"

"Whatever!" Rintaro exclaimed, before taking a deep breath. "Sorry, it's just…a lot's happened to me today. I'm just overwhelmed."

"It's understandable to have such a reaction, given the stressful circumstances to which you were subjected," the 'cat' replied in his mind. "You wish to know who I am, correct?"

"Yeah," Rintaro said. "That would be a great place to start."

"It's simple, really," the 'cat' answered. "My name is Kyubey. I'm a magical creature who recruits girls to fight Witches. In exchange, I grant them any wish they desire."

"...There's nothing simple about that."

"Any wish!" Mayuri repeated, her eyes shining. "Did you hear, Okarin? Oh, what should Mayushii wish for? Cake? A golden Upa? Or no, maybe –"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Rintaro cut in yet again, waving his hands. "No one's wishing for anything!"

"Yeah," the bald man agreed, "I love a good scam and all, but it's a bit much, innit? 'Any wish you desire?' You're not tryna be a genie, y'know?"

Rintaro turned back toward him. "And who exactly are you, again?"

"The Babysitter," the bald man answered in a grandiose tone, before frowning and continuing, "No, that doesn't sound good at all. Maybe the Nurse? It sounds a bit lame, doesn't it? Or is that just my personal bias?" He shrugged. "Oh well – just call me Nardole."

"Mister Nardole came here with Mister Doctor," Mayuri explained. "He was looking after you after Daru-kun hit you on the head. Mister Doctor and Kurisu-chan went to go looking for a mosquito."

"A figurative mosquito," Nardole corrected. "There's a big difference between a figurative mosquito and a literal one." He frowned. "Unless it also happens to be a literal mosquito. In which case I need to buy bug spray. And aloe vera." He patted his red jacket down and sighed. "You got any cash on you?" he asked Itaru. "I'll pay you back. That is, if you accept Roman denarii."

Rintaro clutched his head. The Doctor was here? Daru hit me? Why is Kurisu looking for a mosquito? He shook his head. One thought at a time. "Why did…the Doctor come here?"

"He was looking for you," Nardole answered. Rintaro's eyes widened as the bald man continued, "He mentioned that you might be a lead. You saw that storm that happened earlier, didn't you? Well, not earlier, cause it's in the future now. But relative to us, yeah?"

"Whasse talku bou?" Itaru asked through a mouthful of sandwich. Mayuri's eyes took on that glazed quality that came up whenever science got involved.

"...What about it?" Rintaro finally asked.

"Well, apparently it wasn't a storm," Nardole said. "It's probably an alien. Relative to Earth, anyway."

"Aliens!" Mayuri snapped to attention once more. "Mayushii's seen aliens on TV!"

Itaru swallowed his sandwich. "Like Area 51?" he asked.

"Pssh, nah," said Nardole. "Everyone knows that there aren't really any aliens in Area 51. It's Area 69 that you've got to worry about."

"Nice." Itaru nodded.

"Are you with SERN?" Rintaro asked in a low voice.

"SERN?" Nardole frowned. "Isn't that that science club in Switzerland?"

"It's a bit more than a 'club,'" the cat-like creature named Kyubey responded. "It's the foremost international scientific research organization in the entire world. It has access to the brightest minds and the most advanced technologies, and it's funded by several leading world governments."

It's more than that, Rintaro thought, before realizing that the telepathic cat might be able to read his thoughts as well. Can you hear me? he thought "out loud." Kyubey didn't seem to respond.

"I don't work for them," Nardole answered him. "The Doctor doesn't either. Technically, he works for UNIT, but it's more of a once-in-a-while consultant gig, not a formal position. Why do you ask?"

This was the tricky bit. Of course, if this "Nardole" and "Doctor" really were with SERN, they wouldn't outright say it, especially not if confronted. But Rintaro wasn't a body language expert, or a mind reader for that matter; there was no way for him to verify if Nardole was telling the truth.

Except…Itaru. Daru could run background checks on both of these guys. They just needed time…

"So, Mayuri," he heard Kyubey continue, "are you interested in taking up my offer?"

Rintaro almost swore under his breath. He'd nearly forgotten about the suspicious telepathic cat-thing. He couldn't fight on two fronts at once.

Thankfully, as if on cue, the front door swung open to admit Kurisu.

"Okabe!" she exclaimed. She began to hurry toward him, but slowed her pace and cleared her throat. "So…you're not dead."

"You could phrase it more enthusiastically," Rintaro grumbled. Then he looked past her and asked, "Um, who…?"

"I hope you'll pardon my intrusion." In walked a middle-school girl with blond swirly pig-tailed hair. "My name is Mami Tomoe. I'm a magical girl."

A chorus of voices followed.

"Really?!" Mayuri jumped up. "That's ama –"

"No you're not," Nardole scoffed. "Is this another scam?"

"Can I have your number?" asked Itaru with a glint in his eyes.

"Oh my god," Rintaro groaned, as the situation slipped out of his hands once more.

"Oh, Mami! There you are."

"Everybody calm down," Kurisu began. "This is –"

"An alien!"

A deep male voice cut through the cacophony. All the inhabitants of the apartment turned to see a tall grey-haired man step into the living room.

"What are you talking about?" Kurisu asked with a derisive note in her voice. "You just said earlier –"

"No, not her," said the Doctor with a small wave in Mami's direction. "You." He pointed at Kyubey with a grin. "Finally, a compatriot. Or a co-expatriate. Not that we're from the same planet, mind you."

"Mister Kitty is an alien?" Mayuri looked at Kyubey, not quite with fear, not yet. In her mind, hailing from outer space didn't make a kitten any less cute.

"Where I'm from isn't the issue," Kyubey responded. "What's most pressing are the Witches in this city – Hey!" It darted out of the way as the Doctor waved his "screwdriver" around it, eventually jumping into Mami's arms ("Awww," Mayuri cooed). "Mayuri, I hope you will consider my offer. You too, Kurisu," -- Kurisu's eyes widened in alarm – "you should have the strength to become one, too. In exchange, I can grant whatever wish you want. Just ask Mami – another time. We should be going."

"Yes," the blond girl agreed, "it is getting late. But I go to school at Mitakihara. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to tell you my story." She crossed the room and went onto the balcony. "Goodbye for now." She tossed a ribbon into the air (where did she get that?) and leapt off. Rintaro and his friends cried out in alarm, but they then saw her swinging on her ribbon from building to building, until she gradually faded from view.

"Awww." This time Mayuri sounded more disappointed. "Mayushii wanted to talk to Mister Kitty some more."

"I have a new waifu," Itaru declared.

"Stop it," Rintaro replied. "Don't be disgusting."

"I can't help it. It's in my nature."

"That cat was sus," Nardole said, turning to the Doctor. "Tried to scam the dumb one into a kind of warlock's pact. Wasn't very subtle about it either."

"It's not a scam!" Mayuri protested.

"You don't get to call her dumb!" Kurisu added angrily.

"Cats are always 'sus,' as you say," the old man replied. "The trickier question is always, 'what are they plotting?'"

"A bit of catnip?" Nardole suggested. "A spot of catnap?"

"Or something more sinister," the Doctor finished. He looked at his "screwdriver" and grimaced. "Sonic doesn't recognize it…it's taking longer than usual to analyze." He placed it back in his jacket pocket, then turned back to Rintaro. "So! The time traveler. What can you tell me?"

Rintaro immediately backed away – but he was arrested by the genuine look of confusion on the old man's face when he did so. "What?" the Doctor said. "What did I say?"

"Oh, earlier. He was asking if you work for SERN," Nardole supplied.

"Work for? No," the Doctor replied. "I helped found it, I think – it was a long time ago. And I stole some parts from them once – also a long time ago. Longer, maybe. But I'm not on their payroll. Why?" he asked, turning back to Rintaro.

"Why are you asking about time travel, then?" Rintaro asked.

"Uh…because the fate of three universes are on the line?" the Doctor answered. "Because something's going on."

"You mentioned that before," said Kurisu. "About three universes. What is that about? What's this 'something?'"

"Everything," the Doctor replied. "A storm that sounds like a crowd of humans. A time travel mechanism that I don't recognize – that one's particularly insulting. A mosquito tree that feeds on people's emotions, and a girl and her cat who claim to fight them. And you," he pointed directly at Rintaro, "you seem to be at the center of it all. I need to know exactly what's going on, and you're the first lead I have."

"You said 'a time travel mechanism that you don't recognize,'" Rintaro repeated. "So you've seen time travel before?"

"Seen it?" The Doctor scoffed. "My people invented it."

Rintaro and Kurisu looked at each other.

"All right," Rintaro said at last. "Do you want some beaker coffee?"