AMERICAN IDIOT
"I have a question." I interrupt Bella from the backseat as Edward accelerated much too quickly down the quiet street. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to the road.
He sighed.
"One." He agreed. His lips pressed together into a cautious line. He seemed to have a lot less patience for my questions than he had for Bella.
"You said you knew Bella hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that she'd gone south." I point out, and Bella blinked at me in the rearview mirror, clearly having not caught that in the restaurant. She had a habit of being distracted by his face. "If she's the exception...then it couldn't have been her thoughts you caught. How'd you know she went South?"
He looked away from the rearview mirror, deliberating.
"You answer, I answer." I level with him.
"Fine, then. I followed her scent." He looked at the road, giving me and my sister enough time to compose ourselves. It had thrown me. I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that.
"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions..." Bella took over. He looked at her with disapproval. "Which one?"
"How does it work — the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family...?" Bella's voice trailed off with an air of shame, confusing me.
"That's more than one." Edward dodged. Bella just waited, gazing at him.
"No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's... 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." He paused thoughtfully. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum — a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear."
"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."
Can you hear me now?
Again, nothing. "Why do you think you can't hear me?" Bella asked curiously. He looked at her.
"I don't know." He murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM." He grinned at his own joke, suddenly amused.
"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" The words tumbled from Bella's mouth. I snort.
"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak." Edward laughed, "Don't worry, it's just a theory. Your father's hard to read like Grace, too. I only get bits and pieces, like a distant radio station. Which brings us back to you."
Bella and I shared a look in the rearview mirror. I sighed. As usual, it would be me.
"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" Edward repeats, eyes finding mine in the rearview mirror. But Bella distracts us both.
"Holy crow!" She shouted. "Slow down!"
"What's wrong?" He was startled.
"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" Bella was still shouting. I relaxed, rolling my eyes. She shot a panicky glance out the window, seeming to have only noticed Edward's driving skill. I wasn't worried, despite the racing speed. It was actually kind of nice. "Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes too, still not slowing.
"Are you trying to kill us?" my sister demanded.
"We're not going to crash, Bells." I say with absolute faith, and Edward glances at me again in the mirror.
Bella brought her volume down a notch. "Why are you in such a hurry?"
"I always drive like this." He turned to smile crookedly at her.
"Keep your eyes on the road!"
"I've never been in an accident, Bella — I've never even gotten a ticket." He grinned and tapped his forehead. "Built-in radar detector."
I laughed a little at that. "Very funny." Bella fumed. "Charlie's a cop, remember? I was raised to abide by traffic laws."
"And your sister wasn't?" He threw playfully at my expense.
"I've only driven once all month." I put my hands up in mock surrender, the alcohol buzz setting in a little more now.
"If you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away." Bella glowered.
"Probably." He agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't." He sighed, and Bella looked relieved as the needle gradually drifted toward eighty. "Happy?"
"Almost."
"I hate driving slow." He muttered.
"This is slow?"
"Enough commentary on my driving." He snapped. "Grace?"
I knew what he wanted. I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and focusing very, very hard.
VAMPIRE.
His knuckles tightened convulsively on the wheel.
"Ah." He responded to the shouted thought, voice a little strained but still calm. "So you know."
Bella seemed lost. "How did you figure it out? The movies?"
"Not really." I flush that he'd seen the images in my head. I'm not really sure if he liked being compared to Brad Pitt dipped in talcum powder. "Saturday, at the beach."
He looked puzzled. "Bella ran into an old family friend — Jacob Black." I continued. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since we were babies."
He still looked confused. "His dad is one of the Quileute elders." His confusion cleared to understanding. "They went for a walk — and he told her some old legends. I think he was trying to scare her, really."
"He didn't seem to believe any of it." Bella agreed, seeming to have caught on a little. "And he told me one...about vampires."
She was whispering by the end. The car felt a little colder after that word rang in the air.
"And you immediately thought of me?" Still calm.
"No. He... mentioned your family."
He was silent, staring at the road. I was suddenly worried for the kid.
"He just thought it was a silly superstition." I covered for Jacob Black. "He didn't expect her to think anything of it."
"It was my fault, I forced him to tell me." Bella tacked on.
"Why?"
"Lauren said something about you — she was trying to provoke me. And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation. Only it sounded like he meant something different. So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him." Bella admitted, hanging her head. He startled me by laughing. Bella glared up at him. He was laughing, but his eyes were fierce, staring ahead.
"Tricked him how?" He asked.
"She flirted." I grinned proudly at my sister.
She flushed. "It worked better than I thought it would." Disbelief colored her tone.
"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."
Bella blushed and looked away, out the window. He waited a minute. "What did you do then?"
"I told Gracie." Bella confesses. "I was kind of hoping she'd talk some sense into me."
"But your sister believed you." Edward decided.
"It's a bad habit." I try to joke to lighten the mood. "We did some research on the Internet."
"And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel.
"I was kind of looking for evidence to prove Jacob Black wrong." I confess, thinking back on that day. "It worked, you know. None of it fit. Most of it was kind of silly. I told Bella we were being stupid, and then..."
"What?"
"I decided it didn't matter." I throw casually.
"It didn't matter?" I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I was expecting.
"No." I say confidently. "It doesn't matter to me what you are. What any of you are."
A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human!"
"No." I was trying not to smile now.
He was silent, staring straight ahead again. Bella was watching us, picking at her fingers. She was anxious. His face was bleak and cold.
"You're angry." She sighs, forlorn. "We shouldn't have said anything."
"No." He said, but his tone was as hard as his face. "I'd rather know what you're thinking — even if what you're thinking is insane."
"So we're wrong?" I challenge, absolutely certain I was not. My eyebrow was raised, expression cool. I was grateful for the two doses of whiskey now.
"That's not what I was referring to. 'It doesn't matter'!" He quoted, gritting his teeth together.
I grinned. Bella gasped. "We're right?"
"Does it matter?"
I chuckled. "Not really." I paused. "But I am curious."
Bella shot me a glance over her shoulder, as if amazed by my confidence.
He was suddenly resigned. "What are you curious about?"
"How old are you?"
"Seventeen." He answered promptly.
"And how long have you been seventeen?"
His lips twitched as he stared at the road. I didn't think he'd expect someone to match him. "A while." He admitted at last.
"Okay." I smiled, pleased that he was still being honest with me. He frowned at me in the rearview mirror. I was making myself comfortable now, leaning back. "Don't laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?"
He laughed anyway. "Myth."
"Burned by the sun?"
"Myth."
"Wooden stakes?"
"Myth."
"Sleeping in coffins?"
"Myth." He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. "I can't sleep."
Bella got thrown by that, looking sad for him. "At all?"
"Never." he said, his voice nearly inaudible. He looked at Bella with a wistful expression. They had a moment, lost in each other's eyes, and for a brief moment I worried over the road he wasn't watching before feeling silly for it. He looks away.
"You haven't asked me the most important question yet." His voice was hard now, and when he looked at me again in the mirror his eyes were cold.
I frown, wondering which one I'd missed. "Which one?"
"You aren't concerned about my diet?" He asked sarcastically.
"No." I shoot down easily.
His voice is bleak. "Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"
Bella flinched. "Well, Jacob said something about that."
"What did Jacob say?" He asked flatly.
"He said you didn't...hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."
"He said we weren't dangerous?" His voice was deeply skeptical.
"Not exactly. He said you weren't supposed to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land, just in case." He looked forward, but I couldn't tell if he was watching the road or not.
"So was he right? About not hunting people?" I raise at him.
"The Quileutes have a long memory." He whispered. I took it as confirmation.
"Don't let that make you complacent, though." He warned us. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."
"I don't understand." Bella frowned.
"We try." He explained slowly. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you two, at the same time."
"This is a mistake?" I could hear the sadness in Bella's voice.
"A very dangerous one." He murmured.
"What do you mean 'at the same time'?" I frown.
He sighs. "My family have maintained a certain...distance, due to your scent. It's a lot more appealing than most. It's very...difficult, to be around. And Bella..."
He wouldn't say more on her. "It's always very hard when you both stand close to each other."
We were all silent then. And then, Bella continued. "Tell me more." She asked desperately.
He looked at her, startled like I was by the change in her tone. "What more do you want to know?"
"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people." She suggests, voice still tinged with desperation. I frowned at her.
"I don't want to be a monster." His voice was very low.
"But animals aren't enough?"
He paused. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger — or rather thirst. But it keens us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." His tone turned ominous.
"Sometimes it's more difficult than others."
"Like now." Bella understands.
He sighed. "Yes."
"But you're not hungry now." I say confidently — stating, not asking.
"Why do you think that?"
"Your eyes. I told you I had a theory. I've noticed people have shorter tempers when they're hungry." I smile in triumph.
He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"
My smile grew into a grin.
"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" Bella asked when it was quiet again.
"Yes." He paused for a second, as if deciding whether or not to say something. His eyes flickered to me and back. "I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."
"Why didn't you want to leave?"
"It makes me... anxious... to be away from you." He tells my sister, voice gentle but words intense, and Bella seemed to turn into jelly. "I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you. And after what happened tonight, I'm surprised that you did make it through a whole weekend unscathed." He shook his head, and then seemed to remember something. "Well, not totally unscathed."
"What?"
"Your hands." He reminds her. I'd already forgotten about the almost-healed scrapes across the heels of Bella's hands, where she'd fallen in the woods. Limpets.
"I fell." Bella sighed.
"That's what I thought." His lips curved up at the corners. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse — and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." He smiled ruefully at my sister. I tried to look very interested in the dark out the window, affording them some privacy.
"Three days? Didn't you just get back today?"
"No, we got back Sunday."
"Then why weren't any of you in school?" Bella sounded frustrated.
"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't. But I can't go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see."
"Why?"
"I'll show you sometime." He promised her.
Bella was silent for a moment. And then. "You might have called me."
He was puzzled. "But I knew you were safe."
"But I didn't know where you were. I —" She hesitated. I felt like I was watching a romance movie right in front of my eyes. Had they forgotten me in the shadows of the backseat? Jesus.
"What?" His voice was velvet again.
"I didn't like it. Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too." I had the sudden urge to jump out of the racing Volvo.
"Ah." Edward groaned quietly. "This is wrong."
"What did I say?"
"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved." Too late, buddy. "I don't want to hear that you feel that way." His voice was low but urgent. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that."
"No." She sulked.
"I'm serious." He growled.
"So am I. Gracie's right, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."
They both stared out at the road. I figured we must be close now. He was driving fast enough to cut Jess' time by three.
"What are you thinking?" he asked, voice still raw. Bella shook her head.
"Are you crying?" he sounded appalled.
"No." She said, but her voice cracked. I couldn't see her face from the way she was angled in her seat now, but I frowned with concern over my sister.
I watched Edward reach toward her hesitantly with his right hand, but then he stopped and placed it slowly back on the steering wheel. Just like watching a movie, I was screaming internally.
TOUCH HER YOU FOOL, COMFORT HER.
"I'm sorry." His voice burned with regret. I knew he'd heard my thoughts.
The darkness slipped by us in silence.
"Tell me something." He asked after another minute, and I could hear him struggle to use a lighter tone.
"Yes?"
"What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression — you didn't look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something."
"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker — you know, self-defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain."
I was horrified. "You were going to fight them?"
Edward sounded equally upset. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run." Bella admitted.
"What about screaming for help?" I scold my sister.
"I was getting to that part."
Edward shook his head. "You were right — I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."
Bella sighed. We were slowing, passing into the boundaries of Forks. It had taken less than twenty minutes.
"Will I see you tomorrow?" Bella demanded.
"Yes — I have a paper due, too." He smiled. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."
We were in front of Charlie's house. The lights were on, the truck in its place, everything utterly normal. It was like waking from a dream. He stopped the car, and I moved to get out as soon as possible, "Grace, wait."
I hesitate in the open door, leaning down to peer at him. "I'm not sure how to say this." He was wincing a little.
I raise a brow at him. I figured we were past this. "Adam Wexler..."
My heart sank. "You deserve better."
I roll my eyes at that, ready to brush it off, but he continues. "There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have commitment phobia. You just don't actually like boys. At least, not romantically."
"How—"
"You're a very visual thinker, remember?"
My heart was hammering in my chest. "Just...think about it, okay?"
I nod, moving to leave before I pause, turning to him again. "Thank you."
He knew I meant more than Adam.
He nods back at me, and I shut the door, leaving my sister alone with him. Dad heard me as I came in through the front door, calling out from the living room. "Girls?"
"Hey, Dad." I walked in to see him. He was watching a baseball game.
"You're home early."
"Am I?" I was still reeling.
"It's not even eight yet." He told me, sipping a beer. "Where's your sister?"
"Saying goodbye."
"Did you girls have fun?"
"Yeah — it was lots of fun." My head was spinning as I tried to remember all the way back to the girls' night out I had planned. "Jess has my dress, it's green. She's going to help me adjust the size tomorrow after school, I'm going to go over to fix her fan belt."
"Are you all right?"
"I'm just tired. I did a lot of walking."
"Well, maybe you should go lie down." He sounded concerned. I wondered what my face looked like.
"I'm just going to call Jess first."
Bella shut the door, looking very dazed as she mumbled 'hey, dad' and floated upstairs. "Weren't you just with her?"
"Yes — just want to make sure we're still on for tomorrow."
"Well, give her a chance to get home first."
"Right." I agreed.
I went to the kitchen and fell, exhausted, into a chair. I was really feeling dizzy now. I wondered if I was going into shock instead of Bella. Get a grip, I told myself. But I was too overwhelmed. That last whammy was one bombshell too many.
The phone rang suddenly, startling me. I yanked it off the hook.
"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.
"Gracie?"
"Hey, Jess, I was just going to call you."
"You made it home?" Her voice was relieved... and surprised.
"Yes. Bella left her jacket in your car — could you bring it for her tomorrow?"
"Sure. But tell me what happened!" she demanded.
"I think it's better if Bella—"
"Of course." She said as if dismissing me. "But you must've seen everything. Did they meet up on purpose? How did—"
"I have no idea, I was just as shocked as you were." I caught up quickly.
"You didn't know?!" She gasped in scandal.
"I still don't have the full story." I tell her. "But I can't talk right now."
She caught on quickly. "Oh, is your dad there?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow, then. Bye!" I could hear the impatience in her voice.
"Bye, Jess."
I was too tired to wait for Bella to finish showering that night, just crashing in my bed.
Girls. I'd never considered it before. Was that why...? Sex had never been a particularly pleasant experience for me before. The build-up was fantastic, so I must have been attracted to boyfriends before. It was just the act itself that had never produced satisfying results. I'd always figured I'd picked lousy lovers. I hadn't ever considered I was choosing the wrong gender. I'd never thought — why had I never thought about it?
My head hurt. I'd never thought there was anything wrong with gay people, I just didn't think I was one. Edward could've been confused. He had to be. He'd seen what I was thinking and made his own assumptions. That had to be it.
But that brought me to Edward Cullen. To what he'd done for my sister today. For me today. And what he was. What his whole family was.
Rosalie.
The thought of her hit me like a freight train. But of course. How many times had I dreamt of Rosalie Hale? She hadn't said a word to me in months, and yet I still dreamed. Wasn't my boyfriend the villain in my nightmare? Wasn't she always just out of reach? I wasn't obsessed with her because I wanted to know what she was, that was too simple. I was obsessed with her because I had a crush. Because my stupid little brain loved it when people were mean to me, and no one had ever been so cruelly disinterested in me as Rosalie fucking Hale. Because she hadn't made me bored like Adam did now. She was a challenge. No, it was worse than that, I already cared for her. I noticed when she was sad. I noticed everything. I watched her like a hawk, and somewhere in the process of my distractions and daydreams, I had become hers without ever noticing it.
I was fucked.