Chapter 5 - Adrift

They were drifting. No power. And it was getting colder. As Shepard stared through the cloud of his exhaled breath across the passenger compartment to where Tali sat, he decided the description was apt for both the shuttle and their relationship.

At least for the shuttle it was understandable. Intentional. With so few resources to aid them in locating and reaching Prizrak, he had decided to maintain as much stealth as possible, for as long as possible. He had ordered Joker to calculate a course that would take them on a close flyby of the system's small gas giant, allowing them to use passive scanners and even their eyes to try to spot the base they believed was located somewhere in the planet's orbit and, hopefully, get a sneak peek at what defenses they might face so they could plan accordingly. They had accelerated on the carefully calculated vector, then cut power so that they could, over the course of an hour, drift through the orbits of as many moons as possible while being themselves almost impossible to spot. Just another lost piece of drifting debris.

It was a bit of a long shot, Shepard knew. They couldn't possibly search the entirety of the space around the planet in their brief flyby, but it was at least a shot. And certainly not the longest he had ever taken. This was the best he could think of given their circumstances and limited resources. If their flyby failed, they would have no choice but to call in the Cardinal Sin to aid in an active search. At present the former pirate vessel sat near the relay, much as it had since its arrival. An active search would alert Prizrak that they were a likely threat and eliminate any hope of surprise or subterfuge. It would be unavoidable though as time at that point would not allow any other options.

Shepard exhaled another drifting cloud of frosted breath. They had calculated they had enough air and heat to complete their flyby, though things would get chilly. They each had heating units in their armor and if the air got too thin they had emergency oxygen. Joker was bundled up in clothing that would keep him warm enough as well. Tali looked perfectly comfortable, physically at least, as she stared silently out the side window of the shuttle. Garrus sat motionless next to her, arms crossed, appearing asleep. Shepard knew better than to believe that.

He had specifically chosen them to accompany him on this mission. Garrus brought a wealth of experience dealing with criminals and pirates, both from his days in C-Sec and from his more recent activities on Omega. As a Quarian, Tali had inevitably learned a great deal about maneuvering in systems and the threat of pirates. He also hoped that as a Quarian, she might have greater insight into whatever they might find or learn about where Prizrak was holed up. More importantly, they were quite possibly the two people he trusted most in all the galaxy. Two people who had stood by him at the worst of times, always. It was an immense comfort just to have them present.

Or at least it always had been. Shepard looked back to Tali, four feet and a million miles away and the ache in his heart flared anew. She sat, body and head turned to allow her to stare out the shuttle's side observation window. Her elbow was braced against the back of the seat and her chin rested on the knuckles of her partially closed hand. A pale, diffuse glow illuminated her, wan reflected light from the gas giant they approached. In that light he could just trace her profile through the faceplate of her helmet. The gentle curve of forehead and slope of nose. Her lips and chin were hidden by the lower part of her helmet, but he didn't need to see them now to recall them. In the hospital on Ilium she had trusted him to show him her face. And to take the first steps in a relationship that now seemed to be crumbling around them.

Maybe it was just a reflection of his own feelings, but he was sure he could read sadness in how she sat. In how she contemplated what was passing before her. She was like a picture from a storybook. A captured moment that he knew would be burned into his memory forever. He began trying to come up with titles for that picture. Melancholy in Mauve, perhaps. Or Wistful Vista.

Waxing poetic again? That's not a good sign.

Shepard frowned at his own contrary thoughts. That angry, pessimistic part of himself that expected the worst from the universe and wanted to return it tenfold. And in the past absolutely had when he was angry and desperate and frightened enough. He wanted to counter that part of himself. Hang onto his hope. No, not just waxing poetic, he answered the angry voice. Inspired. Inspired by her to be a better version of myself. I love her and I will do everything I can to help her deal with the situation with Prizrak and hopefully find her way back to me. Back to us. She's worth it.

The angry voice in his head burst into derisive laughter. Didn't you think the same thing about Liara?

Shepard's frown deepened and his grip on his knee pads tightened. He had expressed that very thought to Kelly Chambers in what he thought was a conversation, but now realized was more accurately described as a therapy session. The fear that he was just repeating his relationship with Liara. That he would lose Tali in the same way. Only faster, the angry voice derided. Shepard worked to slow his breathing that had become rapid and shallow, each breath a short, icy burst. No. No, this is different. He could hear Kelly's voice in his response to that angry part of himself. Encouraging him. Reminding him. I was lost when Liara and I found each other. I clung to her, and then the memory of her, like a drowning man to floating wreckage. With Tali our feelings grew through friendship and through fire. We have never given up on each other and we'll find our way through this.

The voice sniggered at him. More poetry? Maybe you've convinced yourself, but how are you going to convince her? Shepard frowned again, his eyes narrowing in thought. He had been working on that very question. Shepard knew their planetary flyby would require they drift for some time with little to do. While Tali's knowledge would be helpful, he was honest enough to recognize that what he really wanted was to use this opportunity to try again to reach her. It had been a difficult debate in his own mind. To bring her on this search and try to speak to her or to give her space. He had wavered between these two possibilities a thousand times in the bare day since their closeness, the intimacy and trust that had grown through so many trials, had suddenly and unexpectedly shattered under the pressure of the loss of the Normandy at the hands of Prizrak. The battle was still raging in him, defying the calm he was trying so hard to cultivate. Heart against mind, patience against need, and his fear for her, of losing her, a demon lashing him to do something, anything, to change their course. He had never been terribly good at simply waiting.

As he had watched her throughout their drifting journey he had rehearsed the words he would say, revised those words over and over again. Opened his mouth to entreat, to convince, only to purse his lips in frustrated silence. After a hundred inspiring speeches, he had no idea what words would reach this woman he truly loved. It was a sign of his desperation that he had even contemplated trying to play on Quarian respect for authority and simply order her to tell him what she was feeling. A simple, tempting solution that he knew would fail terribly.

Shepard glanced back to Garrus. He realized another reason he had chosen Garrus to accompany him. He had come to think of Garrus not just as a friend, but as his wingman, utterly reliable and supportive in battle whether that battle was with an enemy or with his own heart and mind. The corner of his mouth quirked up slightly into a wry half smile as he realized he would likely never use the term 'wingman' to Garrus' face. Humans had derisively called Turians "birds" since the first-contact war.

Despite the moral support Garrus offered with his presence, he realized he needed to speak with Tali alone. He also realized he needed to do it soon. They had already been drifting for a portion of their allotted hour, time he had frittered away with his indecision. They would be crossing through the planet's gravity well any time, maybe already were, and would need to focus on searching for any evidence of Prizrak. It had to be now, no matter how apprehensive he was about the conversation. Shepard took a few deep breaths, watching each cloud of frost this produced, trying to slow both his thoughts and his heart rate. He decided to throw away the many scripts he had mentally written for himself and just speak from that demanding heart. Too much thinking had tripped him up often enough.

"Garrus." The Turian's eyes opened immediately and focused on Shepard. "We should be approaching the orbits of the gas giant's moons. I'd appreciate if you would check if Joker needs any assistance in the cockpit."

Garrus stared at Shepard for a moment, then his eyes slipped sidelong to glance toward Tali where she sat next to him, unmoving. Garrus stood in a smooth motion, bracing himself with one hand against the roof of the shuttle, completely comfortable in the zero gravity. "Good idea, Shepard. We can't be too careful with this approach. We'll let you know if we pick up anything." Garrus turned and pulled himself through the open door to the cockpit.

Joker turned as Garrus came through the door. "I've got this covered. Our course looks good so all I have to do is not touch anything. Pretty sure I can handle that."

"And yet, here I am to back you up. Four eyes are better than two. Just ask any Batarian." Garrus slapped a panel near the door and it slid shut, granting Shepard the privacy he needed with Tali.

Bless you, Garrus, Shepard thought to himself. Shepard turned his attention fully to Tali, taking one more deep breath. He had the sudden incongruous thought that the billowing cloud he exhaled made him look too much like The Illusive Man. A moment later he pushed the thought away, recognizing that his brain was trying to distract him from a course that held the risk of real pain. He decided to just start talking before his brain could try anything else.

"I had a whole speech planned out, Tali. Well, several of them actually. What my opening line would be, what my responses would be based on what you might say. Words that would sway you, convince you that I love you. Words that would make you want to love me. Words that would conquer you. A whole battle plan. None of it felt right, and I think I've finally realized why. I've spent so much of my life fighting that I see everything as a battle. An enemy to be defeated. Even the woman I love."

Tali sat unmoving. Gave no indication she had heard a word he had said. Shepard took another long breath and ran his gloved fingers across the stubble on his chin in thought. "I love you, Tali. I was so unfamiliar with the feeling that it took me a long time to recognize it when it happened. I'm sorry if that ever caused you pain. You have been so patient with me and there are no words to describe the joy I felt when I finally understood what I was feeling. When I finally said it out loud, as crazy as that moment was."

Shepard took more breaths, trying to steady his voice. "Your words touched me so deeply, Tali. You've protected my heart at every step, even telling me your own feelings to make it that much easier for me to share mine. Sila'v Raznitse you called us. Unbreakable when together. I feel it too. We can stand against anything together. Even whatever it is that has come between us now."

Shepard paused in hopeful desperation. He was blindly prodding at the heart of whatever had fractured their relationship. He wanted to understand. To fix things. But he knew he could just as easily blunder off a cliff, step right into whatever pain was tearing at Tali. And she was in pain, he realized. In the past day the normally talkative Quarian had barely said a single word beyond what was necessary to perform her job. She was in pain every bit as great as his own and he thought he may have realized why.

"When the Normandy was stolen, I saw how upset you got right away. At first I thought you were upset because of the theft of the ship. But then, when you spoke to us in the conference room, I realized you had been suspicious a Quarian was involved right from the start. You've always been so proud of your people, Tali. And rightfully so. But I think you also feel responsible that it was a Quarian who stole the Normandy. I worry you feel responsible for the loss of the Normandy even though it was beyond your control. I want to be clear, Tali. No one in the Normandy's crew, least of all me, blames you for Prizrak's actions. You are a part of this crew, my crew. And so much more than that to me." Shepard leaned forward. He wanted to take her into a hug, but was afraid how she would react, so he spoke as honestly as he good, depending on his words to pull her back across the emotional distance that yawned between them. "I love you, Tali, and I want you to come home. Please."

Shepard had leaned so far toward Tali he realized the only thing preventing him from falling out of his seat was the lack of gravity. He felt like he was reaching for a drowning person who was just beyond his grasp. Or that he was the one drowning. He had said what he could to reach her, but she continued to sit unmoving, staring out the shuttle's side window. Gradually, he leaned back until he was again fully in his seat. He raised his chin, his face tilting toward the roof of the shuttle, but his eyes were closed. He had called desperately into the chasm between them, but no echo had returned. He took a deep breath, pushing back against the creeping despair that continued to gnaw at the edges of his hope.

"Do you remember the day you saved me from Saren's assassins?"

Shepard's eyes snapped open at the quiet words. He focused on Tali now, giving her his full attention. She hadn't moved, but at least she was talking. He felt he'd better respond or the moment would pass and she would sink again into silence. "I remember that was the first time we saved each other, but not the last. With Wrex's help I was able to reach you before the assassins could do their work. Then you saved me, the whole galaxy really, by providing the information that convinced the Council to let us take down Saren. Without that, we'd have never been able to reach him, let alone stop him in time."

Tali shifted her position slightly. A small adjustment that proved she had not turned to stone. "After we spoke with Udina, you rushed to the Council chamber with both me and Wrex. We burst out of the elevator and marched across that chamber still carrying the marks of our recent battle. At first, I thought my legs would give out under the weight of all the stares. The judgment. I had dreamed of seeing that chamber, but I didn't know then if I would even be able to cross it."

Shepard started at her admission. "I never knew that, Tali. I was so focused on getting the evidence to the Council. I couldn't have done it without you and Wrex and I wanted those stuck up assholes to know it. I wanted them to see that a Quarian, a Human, and a Krogan had worked together to prove the treachery of their favorite Turian Spectre. I should have asked if you were okay with that. I'm sorry for any pain or embarrassment that caused you."

Tali shook her head ever so slightly, but continued to stare out the window. "No, Shepard. That was one of the proudest moments of my life. I watched you walk right through those stares, head high. You believed in what you were doing. More importantly, you believed in yourself. Walking next to you through that made me want to hold my own head high and defy any disdain that might be aimed at me. To believe in myself as well. Even from that first day I was sure you were one of the best humanity had to offer. That was only confirmed when they made you the first human Spectre. And I was there to witness it."

Shepard shifted uneasily under her sudden praise. It felt good that she was recalling such positive memories with him, but he couldn't see where she was going with her thoughts. He feared if he failed to follow her down whatever path she was traveling, he would lose her. "Convincing the Council to name me the first human Spectre was…an unexpected opportunity. But I knew it would help in my search for Saren, so I was willing to take advantage of the circumstances. I'm not so sure that really qualifies me as 'one of the best humanity has to offer.'"

Tali showed no reaction to his self-deprecating remark. Shepard resisted saying more, afraid that now that Tali was talking, he would derail whatever thought process she was working through with her reminiscing. "After the ceremony, after you spoke with Udina and Captain Anderson, we took the elevator back down to the Presidium. It was a long ride down the tower and Wrex was never one to wait patiently. Do you remember what he asked me?"

The question caught Shepard off guard. There were a number of sections of the Citadel that could be traversed by elevator, but the ride down the Presidium tower was one of the longest. Long enough for a bit of banter among crewmates. Shepard dredged at his memory, but the interaction was so long ago and he had been distracted with plans related to his promotion to Spectre. "I'm sorry, Tali. I don't remember what Wrex asked you."

Tali did not react to his failure to recall the conversation. She merely continued down the path of her memory, Shepard following with trepidation. "He said, 'You Quarians messed up the whole galaxy when you let the Geth break free. Do your people ever talk about it?'. Do you remember what my answer to him was?"

Shepard struggled to recall the conversation. It had seemed a trivial moment to him then, but it had clearly been of great significance to Tali. It was beginning to come back to him, a hazy outline, slowly coming into focus as Tali provided details of that moment. He wracked his brain, afraid that a failure to remember would somehow be a failure to support her. That it would drive them farther apart. He began to open his mouth to speak, to buy time for more details to emerge from the cobwebs of his memory, but Tali was already continuing.

"I didn't answer his question. I was upset, angry at him for asking that. I turned it back on him. I asked him, 'Do the Krogan talk about starting a foolish war that resulted in the Turians sterilizing your people?'. Then Wrex said the most shocking thing I had heard since the start of my pilgrimage. Maybe in my life. Do you remember what he said to me?"

The memories had resurfaced. Shepard recalled that moment. Had even smiled at it at the time, it had been such a perfect encapsulation of who Wrex was, who the Krogan were. "He said, 'All the time'".

Shepard expected Tali to say more, but a minute passed with no further words. She had said what she was going to say. Shepard worked to decipher the message. He was sure she was trying to tell him something important. To help him understand, but for some reason couldn't simply tell him what was troubling her. He decided he had been on target with his initial guess. That her recollections were a way of confirming his conclusion that she was angry and embarrassed…no, he decided, it was more than that. She did indeed feel responsible for what had occurred, for the actions of Prizrak and how it made her people look. How it made her look to him.

"I…I think I understand what you are saying, Tali. But you are not responsible for the individual actions of every Quarian. You are not Prizrak. The actions of one Quarian don't define you or your people."

Tali had barely moved since taking her seat for their drifting journey. She moved now, whirling with sudden energy to fully face Shepard. The movement was so abrupt, so aggressive, that Shepard pulled back slightly, startled. She radiated tension as she leaned toward him, her hands now twining with each other as her emotions churned. "Don't they, Shepard? What was it you yelled at the admirals about me? That I had saved the Citadel and the Alarei. That I had shown the galaxy the value of the Quarian people. If those actions show our worth as a people, what does it say about us when those actions are far less noble? What do the actions of…Prizrak…say about who we are?"

Shepard cast about in his mind for a response. He couldn't, indeed wouldn't, deny his words at her trial. He considered Tali a wonderful representative of her people. But she was still an individual, not her people as a whole. He brought his hands together, fingers on either side of the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. An observer would not have been able to tell if he was in intense thought or intense prayer. After several moments he opened his eyes and focused again on her. "I find myself thinking about something Kaidan once told me. He was describing his experience with a particular Turian. He said he learned that Turians, all the various species really, were more like humans than he had thought. That they weren't different or special. That they were 'jerks and saints, just like us'". Shepard shifted uneasily. "You said you thought I was the 'best humanity had to offer'. Whatever the truth of that, do you think that means there are no bad or evil humans? What about Manuel? What about whoever was pulling his strings. Would you define the human species by their behavior? If so, then every species would be nothing but monsters. We're all 'jerks and saints', usually some of each. I love you for who you are, Tali. I care about your people, but I love you. And I will stand and fight beside you through this."

Tali's burst of intense energy had faded as Shepard spoke. She sagged now before him and pulled herself into a ball that would, with the slightest push, drift away. She sat that way for more than a minute, Shepard holding his breath, before she finally spoke quietly again. "You do not understand, Shepard. We are family. Responsible for each other. The actions of one reflect on us all more than you realize. And the few of us that are left stay mostly on the Flotilla. The actions of one color all far more significantly."

Shepard couldn't disagree with that statement, but it made it all the more confusing to him that the Quarians would choose to send an individual like Prizrak unchecked into the galaxy. Would choose to send individuals who, by their own definition, were the worst representatives of the Quarian people as a whole. "You're not responsible for Prizrak. It was the admiralty and laws you had no say in that sent him out into the galaxy. And that was before you were even born. You had no say in it. No responsibility for it. You explained to me before your trial why Quarians prefer exile to imprisonment or execution, but there has to be some limit. You said even some of your own people were calling for Prizrak's death. Why spare him when he did so much harm to the Quarians? Why send him out into the galaxy?"

Tali shifted uneasily. "You don't…". Tali stopped abruptly after those words. She started to speak again, but cut herself off before even a single word emerged. It took a third try before she was able to hesitantly continue. "Because…that is who we are. We fix what we can. Salvage what others consider junk. Find some value in even the most damaged…". Tali struggled with putting her thoughts into words. "As long as the Flotilla is protected…". She stopped again, anxiety radiating from her as her intertwining hands became a blur of motion. Shepard listened attentively, but that very attention seemed to increase Tali's anxiety. She was desperate by the time she continued, her words a plea to Shepard. He struggled as well, desperate to understand what it was she was pleading for. Willing to grant it at any cost to himself if it would only alleviate her suffering. "Some things we cannot fix, no matter how hard we try. What we cannot fix, we discard. The existence of exiles like Prizrak is one reason why we have rules we must follow when on our pilgrimage. Do not steal. Do not harm others unnecessarily. Help other Quarians and find a gift to strengthen the Flotilla. Those on pilgrimage represent our people. They have to…they can't…" Tali paused, struggling with some thought or idea before raising her head until the glowing spots of her eyes met Shepard's own gaze. "I must fix this, Shepard. Fix it, or…"

Or discard it. Suddenly, Shepard was unsure whether she was referring to the loss of the Normandy and to Prizrak…or to their relationship. The lump of lead in his stomach was colder than the air of the shuttle. He reached toward her, but pulled his hand back, afraid his touch was unwelcome now. That any contact would simply push her away, literally and figuratively. He cleared his throat nervously before continuing. "We will fix this, Tali. Together. We will get the Normandy back, we'll rescue our crew, and I will help you however you need in dealing with Prizrak. We can get through this, Tali. We can. Sila'v Raznitse.

Tali pulled farther into herself. Her arms wrapped around her torso as she leaned back and turned to return her gaze to the expanse of space beyond her window. "I know you will, Shepard. I love you for that. And that's the problem. I will not drag you lower."

Shepard's confusion doubled and he wondered how it could be that every effort to reach her, to comfort her, only made things worse. "Tali, what are you talking about? Drag me lower? Every time I'm with you I feel like you lift me up. That you help me to be better than I have ever been in the past. How can I help you see what I see?"

Shepard couldn't count the rapid, pounding heartbeats he waited through, but he could feel them. A jackhammer that he was sure would burst his chest. Relief that she was at least talking, that she did want to fix this, was competing with confusion and fear within too small a space. But fear was winning. He was failing somehow. Failing to understand her hints, her words, her perspective. Whether he was failing out of ignorance or blindness, he couldn't tell. She felt more different, more…alien…to him than she ever had before. He wished that Shiala, the Asari he had rescued on Feros, would magically appear and download into his brain an understanding of the Quarian mindset the way she had for the Protheans. A Quarian cipher. Since that seemed unlikely, he determined he would have to figure this out himself. And he wasn't about to simply give up on being with the woman he loved. He was opening his mouth to argue as much when Tali suddenly stiffened and leaned closer to the shuttle's side window. She was peering at something, reaching to her omni-tool to manipulate her helmet's optics. A moment later, Joker's voice came over the intercom.

"Sorry to interrupt, Shepard, but we've got something ahead of us. The innermost planetoid of the gas giant's moons. It's moved into a position of visibility and we're seeing something there. Could be a base. We'll be drifting past over the next few minutes and I wanted to make sure of your orders."

The innermost moon. If they were approaching that moon then they had already passed most of the other possible base locations in the system while he and Tali tried to hash out their issues. Not terribly professional, John. The angry voice in his head had returned to chastise him. He pushed the concern aside. If there had been any other indications of activity or the presence of a base along their route Joker and Garrus would have informed him. Now they had done so and he would have to set aside his concerns for Tali and focus. "Collect what data you can from passive scanners. Keep the other systems shut down until we pass into the gas giant's shadow and can power up without giving ourselves away. Watch for any active scanning from the base, especially targeting. If they spot us we may have to power up and escape quickly." He wished they could scan for signs of life, but that would require active scanning that would definitely give them away.

"Aye aye, sir. You can pull up the magnified view on the monitor. At least get a better look as we drift by."

Shepard activated the monitor on the bulkhead of the shuttle by the door to the cockpit. A view appeared, magnified by the shuttle's passive scanners, of what were clearly artificial structures of some sort built into the planetoid they were approaching obliquely. As Shepard stared at the image and accompanying data, his eyes narrowed. The base was big. Much bigger than he would have expected for a Batarian monitoring station. And its position on the innermost planetoid would have made it difficult for the station to monitor the relay without a wasteful and vulnerable network of comm buoys. Their own difficulty locating the base attested to that. It looked to be built into the planetoid itself, likely mined out to make space and for resources, with a set of large hangar doors that suggested a landing bay that could easily accommodate a ship the size of the Normandy. Or more likely hide her. There were a number of visible surface structures, but the base as a whole, screened by the outer moons and very near the upper atmosphere of the gas giant, would be difficult to spot unless you knew to look for it.

"Tali, can you take a look at this…". Shepard had begun to turn toward Tali, but stopped short. Tali had turned away from the window and had pulled her legs to her chest and was hugging her knees to herself in a way that looked odd to human eyes. She had again pulled herself into a protective ball, tighter even than when she had anxiously spoken to him. "Tali, what is wrong? Are you okay?"

"Shepard, that base. It's Quarian." The words were flat. The tone…hopeless.

"Shepard felt a vertigo that had nothing to do with the lack of gravity. "What? How can that be? Are you sure, Tali?"

"I'm sure. I don't know what that base is doing there. I don't know what this means, Shepard. I don't know what to say. I don't know."

The hopelessness in her voice, the desperate way she wrapped her arms around herself, made it clear that this revelation had only increased Tali's stress and confusion. He again found himself wanting to comfort her, but wasn't sure that was even possible anymore. He needed information. He was desperate himself to answer what role the Quarians were playing in the loss of the Normandy. He wished they could go to active scanners to see if they were dealing with a base full of people, an empty husk, or something in between. He reached and again activated the intercom, hardwired communication that should not have the power or signal to give them away. "Collect every bit of data you can on that base, Joker. Passives only, but get every bit you can. Visuals. Radio transmissions and thermal imaging. Everything. I need to know what is going on with that base."

Joker's voice came back over the intercom, the tone slightly confused. "Aye aye again, sir. We'll get what we can, but we'll be past the moon in minutes. Then I'll fire up the engines and get us back to the Cardinal Sin."

"Good. Thank you, Joker. Carry on." Shepard belted himself back into his seat and fought a losing battle with the urge to stare at Tali. He could feel Quarian hands pushing this situation. Prizrak stealing the Normandy. A Quarian, possibly with the admiralty, pointing them to this system. Much like with Tali herself, Shepard could not see how the parts fit together. Could not understand what was going on underneath the surface. He took a deep breath and glanced again to the Quarian woman pulled into a ball across from him. I love you, Tali. And I trust you to help me save the Normandy and her crew. A moment after these thoughts went through his mind the shuttles engines activated. Gravity returned to the small vessel along with increasing warmth. The ball of lead in Shepard's belly remained a frozen lump. The shuttle turned and went to FTL on a vector that would return them to the system's mass relay and the waiting Cardinal Sin.

It took ten minutes to reach the landing bay of the Cardinal Sin. For the length of that time Shepard had done nothing but contemplate Tali. She had not moved, not spoken, since her declaration that the base they had located was of Quarian origin. He sat and continued to contemplate her as Garrus and Joker began to awkwardly pass between them, almost tiptoeing as they made for the shuttle's exit door. "Garrus." The Turian stopped near the now open exit and turned back to face Shepard. Joker slipped past him, eager to escape the palpable tension in the shuttle. "Take the data we collected and start the analysis immediately. Top priority. I want Mordin and Miranda helping you analyze and plan contingencies, but any insights and ideas from the other crew are welcome. We'll meet in one hour, all of us, to report what we learned and plan our next moves."

Garrus glanced between Shepard and Tali. "Of course, Shepard. I'll see to it immediately. Let me know if you need anything else." He then turned and exited the shuttle. The shuttle door closed behind him once again granting Shepard and Tali what privacy they might need.

Bless you again, Garrus. Shepard did not intend to further pursue his efforts to salvage their relationship. Those efforts would have to yield to the demands of the situation. At least for a while. But he still appreciated the privacy for other reasons. Shepard turned his full attention back to Tali. He had been considering how he might proceed since the revelation that the base they had located was Quarian. She had been genuinely shocked by that. He had seen it in the tension in her shoulders, the defensive withdrawal. Shocked, hurt, ashamed. That was what he was seeing. She had not known the base was there, but she was still his best hope for gaining more information that might give them the critical advantage they needed to reach the Normandy. He needed her focused on that task.

"I need you to think, Tali. I know that base was a surprise to you, but you're a Quarian. Is there anything you can tell me about why there is a Quarian base in this system and what we can do to help us board it and reach the Normandy?"

Tali took several seconds to acknowledge Shepard. She slowly unwrapped her arms from their defensive position around her legs and carefully placed her feet on the deck. She began to twine her hands together, making clear that her anxiety had not dissapated. Despite this, he could see her visibly take her own deep breaths, focusing so she could do what was needed to retrieve the Normandy and rescue her crew. "I don't know, Shepard. There shouldn't be a base here. All I can say for sure is that it didn't look like it was recently constructed. I should be able to tell you more after I study the scans that Joker and Garrus took."

"I will go and make sure that data is being analyzed and start planning a few contingencies. I want you to help with that analysis, but I have another task for you first. I want you to reach out to the admiralty again. When you did that back on the Citadel we were directed here by someone on the Flotilla. They may have known, must have known, what we would find here. Maybe they can give us more information since we've come this far and know to ask."

Tali leaned back, the speed of the twining of her hands increasing. "I don't know, Shepard. We don't know who exactly sent us the information or why. If they knew that base was here, why not tell us? We don't even know if they are really helping us. We don't know if the Normandy is even here. Not for sure."

Shepard's lips tightened in a grim expression. "All true, Tali. But everything we've found here suggests it is a likely place for Prizrak to use. I think that Quarian base only confirms it. And your people have been reliable allies. You said you thought we could trust the information and I trust your judgment and your people. We're in the right place. But if you are concerned then maybe by reaching out you can learn more about the identity of our source. It certainly wouldn't hurt to confirm who we've been talking to and see if they can tell us any more. About this base and Prizrak."

Tali's hands continued their twining dance. Her anxiety remained evident, but she spoke in a calm tone. "I understand, Shepard. I will learn what I can. You wanted me to help analyze the data and stated you wanted that within the hour. You expect I'll get an answer immediately, don't you."

It wasn't stated as a question. And she wasn't wrong. "That is exactly what I expect, Tali. I think someone back on the Flotilla is helping us reach Prizrak and the Normandy before it's too late. Before the deadline expires and likely puts the Normandy beyond our grasp. Maybe it's out of appreciation for my help saving the Alarei. Maybe they somehow got word what Prizrak had done even before we contacted them and are helping to make up for his actions. I don't know, but I'll take the help if it means reaching the Normandy and our crew. Do you think I'm wrong about how quickly you'll get a response?"

Tali's response was quiet, laden with anxiety, barely a whisper that Shepard had to strain to hear. "No, I don't." Tali looked toward the cockpit of the shuttle. "I'll use the shuttle's communications for security and privacy, if that's all right, Shepard."

Shepard stood and looked down at Tali. "Of course, Tali. Find out what you can and then help with the analysis. You can report your information when we meet in an hour." Shepard tentatively placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and was relieved when Tali didn't flinch away. "We'll find the ship and deal with Prizrak, Tali. We've been through so much together. We'll get through this together too." Shepard settled for gently squeezing her shoulder. In thanks. In support. In hope. It took effort to let go of even that contact and exit the shuttle. He sealed the door behind him to give her privacy for her task.

Shepard walked into the landing bay, purposely focusing on the equipment around him. Pushing away, at least temporarily, the confusion and anxiety surrounding his thoughts of Tali. He focused instead on calculating what could be accomplished with the resources he had, now that they had at least some idea what they were dealing with. He activated his comm unit as his thoughts whirled through possibilities. "Garrus. Is the analysis underway?"

A moment later the gravelly voice of the Turian came through Shepard's ear piece. "Kasumi, Mordin, and Miranda are crunching the data as we speak. The way they were going I was just in the way. Mind if I join you?"

"I'm in the landing bay considering options. I'd welcome the company and your insights."

"I'll be right down."

Shepard closed the communication and crossed his arms as he scanned the equipment arrayed in the bay. His eyes lighted on the pair of Batarian landing craft, Jacob's "Trubble Bubbles", and the gears turning in his head suddenly began whirring faster. He contemplated the craft and ideas and contingencies began to form and intertwine. He stared hard at the two spherical objects as he considered these options.

"You've got that look, Shepard." Garrus was now standing next to him. He had been so focused on a sudden inspiration that he didn't notice the Turian approach.

"What look is that, Garrus?"

"The look you get when you are contemplating a particularly crazy idea. I've seen that look too many times to miss it now. Do I want to know what you're planning? Or should I just flee for the nearest escape pod?"

"Very funny, Garrus. I'm thinking through the details, but I do have some ideas on making it aboard that station. I need to see where things are at with the data analysis first. Then we'll see if you feel a need to head for the escape pods."

"That was not terribly reassuring, Shepard. I'd better make sure you have the best information possible so that I'm more likely to survive whatever you're planning." Garrus followed Shepard's gaze to where he had been staring. "You do realize we don't have any way to launch those boarding pods, don't you?"

"Don't we, Garrus?"

"Oh, Spirits. There's that look. I'd better get you up to the bridge right away. Something tells me I'm going to really want you well informed."

Tali sat in near total darkness. The shuttle had a large forward window, but she had polarized it to full opacity. Only the dim glow of the communications equipment now illuminated the interior of the cockpit. She had been sitting for several minutes just staring as the blinking cursor prompting her to enter the specifics of the communication channel waited patiently. She felt nothing but anxiety at the thought of reaching out on the Flotilla emergency channel. The same channel she had used to seek information on Prizrak from the admiralty resulting in the suspiciously rapid response from their questionable ally that led them to Sackgasse. A small part of her was afraid she would get no response. That their source would provide no further assistance. A much larger part feared that Shepard was right. That she would get an immediate response from an unknown Quarian with unknown goals. Tali reluctantly reached to the console and entered the information for the emergency channel.

To: Admiralty Board, Migrant Fleet, Priority Message

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

We have entered the Sackgasse system in search of the stolen vessel Normandy and located likely base of operations of the exile known as Prizrak. Base is of Quarian construction. Please provide further information regarding the nature of this base and any available information regarding design and defenses.

Tali sat back and regarded the message. It said nothing of their suspicions. Asked nothing of their benefactors identity. It asked only for the basic information they needed to help them reach the Normandy. If, as she feared, she did receive an immediate response, she would consider what more to say. She keyed in the code to allow her to bypass the security she had placed on the comm buoy and, with one final slow, calming breath, swiped a finger through the icon that would transmit the message.

Tali sat back and waited as the message began its journey through the comm network. By way of the relay network the message would make its way to its destination in mere seconds. But it should take much longer than that to get a response. Unless the recipient was parked at a comm buoy waiting, the message would need to find the recipient, be transmitted across the system where the recipient was located, be received, read, and a response formulated and sent. There was a good reason why the admiralty typically took hours or even longer to respond to even emergency messages. Their unknown benefactor had responded to their first message in less than a minute. How long it took for a response now would tell them…

The shuttle's communications console pinged to signal the arrival of a message, interrupting Tali's musing. She flinched at the sound. She didn't need to check the time code to know that the message had been answered nearly as quickly as her first message back on the Citadel. Whoever had responded must indeed have been sitting at a comm buoy, waiting for her message, ready to reply immediately. Tali reluctantly reached to open the message, afraid of what she might find. Afraid of who may have sent it. Just afraid. It took more deep breaths before she could bring herself to key in the commands that would open and decipher the information.

To: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

From: #*%)_$%#)(*^ !#$%^&

Request received. Exile know as Prizrak currently located in the Sackgasse system.
You have less than seven hours. The Quarian people owe you both. I will help you to right two wrongs. The Normandy must be returned and Prizrak must not be allowed to cause more harm. I am trusting you to resolve both issues. The base was built more than 300 years ago. I am attaching the complete original schematic to assist you in reaching your goals.

Tali stared at the message, trying to process the multiple shocks that were now ricocheting around her mind. Their benefactor had said "I", suggesting it was an individual aiding them and not the entirety of the admiralty board. They had been ready with a schematic of the base making it clear they were aware of its existence in Sackgasse. More importantly, they did indeed know of Prizrak's theft of the Normandy and wanted to right that wrong. But they also wanted her to deal with the source of that problem. Permanently if she was reading the message correctly. How could they expect her to do such a thing? More importantly, who would ask her to do such a thing. Tali could feel herself being pushed toward actions she would never willingly choose on her own. It was time to push back.

To: Admiralty Board, Migrant Fleet, Priority Message

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

You clearly have more of a hand in these events than you are choosing to reveal. We must retrieve the Normandy and appreciate any help in that regard, but you cannot ask me to assassinate Prizrak. I cannot do that. I am concerned who would make such a request. Either tell me who you are or this communication is over and I will make sure your role in this is exposed.

Tali sat back, arms crossed. After several seconds she realized she was holding her breath. She consciously took one breath, then another, choosing to focus on that breathing rather than the anxiety that threatened to overwhelm her. A minute ticked by. Then two. Tali began to think there would be no reply when the console suddenly pinged again. Tali tapped the accept key immediately, both desperate and fearful of what she might find.

To: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

From: ^*%$ *(()*_)($%^&^$#

I have to act quietly and for that I am sorry. I would never ask such a thing lightly, Tali,
but I trust you to act in the best interests of the Quarian people. I cannot recuse myself this time. But the necessary task need not fall to you. It was Shepard's ship that was stolen. His rank and status grant him the right to exact appropriate justice. He cares for you and our people. He will aid you, as he aided you at your trial, if you but ask him. Keelah se'lai.

Tali sat, staring at the screen for several seconds. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around her body and bowed her head, rocking slowly forward and back. She wanted to scream. She wanted to lash out. She wanted to disappear. "Oh, Auntie Raan. How could you be involved in this. How could you ask me to kill… How could you." The words were whispers, barely audible even within the shuttle, as if she feared someone might hear her through the walls. Tali did not consider herself naive. She knew it was sometimes necessary to kill. She had done so many times alongside Shepard. She even owned she felt a level of satisfaction at the deaths of pirates given how often they had preyed on her people. She tilted her head sadly as she considered this. Something else she shared with the man she loved. But this. The reference to Shepard's right to exact appropriate justice could only refer to one thing. Only one crime among Quarians yet carried the possibility of the death penalty. She had never killed another Quarian. And this…this…how could I…how could Raan…her mind shied away from even the thought of such an action and what it would mean. Retreated from the growing, spreading morass of shame that would pull her down. Bury it, hide it, that is who we are. She felt her tears begin to fall, trickling down her cheeks. She heard, felt, the slight hum as her suit began to process them, wiping them from existence. No one would see that they ever fell. She sat quietly for several more minutes, letting numbness spread. Burying the pain and fear until it was well and truly hidden. Only then would she step from the shuttle. Only then would she stand before the man she loved and lie to his face. It was the only way to protect him. Raan wanted him to join in what was being asked. And he would do it. Out of love for her. That was who he was. But she had sworn she would not drag him lower. She sat as another minute ticked by. Then another. She would have never emerged from the shuttle if she had the choice. But her choices had been erased. She knew her path now. She would fix this. Absent-mindedly, she downloaded the schematic to her omni-tool. She needed only a few more minutes to make necessary modifications to the data. When she was ready, she stood and keyed in the commands that would delete the messages from the shuttle's computer. I will fix this…I will fix this… echoed over and over in her mind as she exited the shuttle.

"The base was originally intended for exploration. It provided resources and housing to a Quarian crew researching the system's mass relay." Tali was standing in the landing bay of the Cardinal Sin. Her omni-tool projected a holographic image of the base. The crew had formed a circle around the image, studying it. "The mass relay in this system currently only leads to that single system controlled by the Batarians. But relays typically connect to multiple systems. Quarians have always been good at exploration and in the past we were hired to look for possible relay connections. It was very dangerous work. The events of the Rachni war taught us that. The base itself should not even be here anymore. These bases were built with the understanding that something like the Rachni war could happen again, no matter how careful the explorers were. It was important that an invader not be able to immediately access technology and information regarding our people, so the station was built with a system of explosives capable of destroying it completely to deny any invader that knowledge. When the war with the Geth began to go badly the crew and resources of outlying bases were recalled to Rannoch to try to turn the tide. It was a desperate time and we didn't expect to be able to return to bases such as this one anytime soon, even if we were able to defeat the Geth. This base should have been destroyed to prevent others from stealing our technology or gaining information about us. And to prevent the Geth from using it against others in the event we lost. Somehow, that did not occur and this base survived to be looted by the Batarians and then handed over to Prizrak." Real anger slipped into Tali's voice as she recounted these events. Anger, and something else under the anger. Something Shepard couldn't identify. "There is no way to know if that self-destruct system is still operable, but I think we have to proceed as if it is. "

"The base was built with the lessons of that war in mind. It was hidden deep in the gas giant's gravity well where it would not be immediately spotted. Being built directly into the planetoid also provided resources and made it more difficult to spot and more durable. Quarian ships would have investigated possible relay links, communicating via comm buoys that are long gone at this point. The base itself, as you can see from this schematic, was originally well armed. The additional scans we took suggest the Batarians updated at least some of the weapons and point defenses during the time they occupied it. It's impossible to be specific regarding such upgrades just from the passive scans. The base also appears to have barriers designed to deflect debris and protect against attacks. The landing bay is more than large enough to accommodate the Normandy. It would have been used to repair and refuel any Quarian vessels assigned to the exploration teams. That is where we'll find the Normandy. The base had holding cells here…" Tali highlighted a section of rooms down a long corridor well away from the landing bay. "Prizrak may have moved the crew to these cells, especially if he had plans to sell the Normandy. It's also possible he simply kept them on the Normandy. We have no way to be sure at present. Prizrak himself could be anywhere in the base, though I think it is most probable he is on the Normandy."

Tali paused as a murmur of discussion went through the crew about the information she had provided. They quieted again as Mordin stepped forward to gesture at the schematic. "We examined all scans in conjunction with schematic provided by Tali'Zorah. Thermal scans indicate base is operational with power and heat in all areas. May or may not mean the presence of a larger crew. Radio signals are non-existent. Base is not transmitting and any internal communications are either well shielded or absent."

Miranda stepped forward as Mordin returned to his place in the circle. "Using the information obtained by Tali and our scans we have determined that out best point of entry is here…". Miranda highlighted an external structure that appeared to be associated with the landing bay. We've identified secondary and tertiary points of entry should circumstances prevent access to this point. I've been assured", Miranda glanced to Shepard and Tali, "that this information is trustworthy. We have every reason to believe that Prizrak is located in this base, as are our crew and the Normandy. I will now…" Miranda paused, again glancing toward Shepard and shaking her head slightly. "I will now yield the floor to Commander Shepard who will explain his plan to access the base. The way she said the word plan suggested she would have chosen a different word.

Shepard stood as the crew filed past him to climb, one after another, into the left most of the two spherical boarding pods. Joker and Jacob had declared it to be in the better shape of the two and had spent much of the intervening time preparing the vessel. Miranda stood at the base of the pod, directing the crew, with Jacob's assistance, on how to climb upward into the pod, where to sit, and how to operate the pod's systems. Shepard would have preferred they had taken time to instruct everyone properly earlier, but time was a rapidly vanishing luxury.

It had taken remarkably little time to answer questions regarding his plan, as there were so few asked. Mostly just exclamations of doubt and disbelief. Sometimes a lack of information fueled questions, sometimes a lack of information meant there were few answers to give. No one had offered any better suggestions, though. It had taken a great deal more time to actually prepare all the various aspects of the plan. Now, he read doubt on the faces passing before him, uncertainty in the body language, but also trust. Trust in him that meant they would follow him into this necessary insanity. All but Tali. He suddenly found her a closed book. She was more energetic, more involved than she had been, but there was something underneath the energy he could not grasp. She had been focused on her preparations, working feverishly in the time they had on her omni-tool and her suit. Shepard had given her space, knowing further discussion now would be a distraction, though he wanted desperately to talk more with her. They still didn't know who lay behind the messages and support they were receiving, but Tali had assured him the information was reliable. Shepard trusted her and his crew trusted him. That would have to do.

Zaeed passed by Shepard on his way to the pod, looking sour. He mumbled just loud enough for Shepard to hear, "I can't believe I'm fuckin' doing this. Oughta have my head examined. If I survive."

Shepard turned and called out to Miranda. "Miranda, we've been using Zaeed's services in ways that exceed his contract with Cerberus. Please log that an additional ten percent be added to his payment in recognition of these demands and his exemplary work. I'm sure The Illusive Man will understand."

Zaeed jerked his head around and paused, eyeing Shepard. Then he gave a slight nod. "I guess The Illusive Man isn't the only one who can move some credits." Zaeed turned and continued to the pod, but Shepard could see he stood a bit taller. Walked with a bit more swagger. And had to admit, Zaeed deserved the extra credits. He also still owed Zaeed his assistance on Zorya. He owed all of his crew, in various ways, and intended to make good on those debts once they retrieved the Normandy.

"You could throw a few credits my way, as long as you're feeling generous."

In his musing he had missed Garrus' approach once again. "If you could use a few credits I'll see what I can do. I hope for the moment my gratitude is sufficient." Shepard paused in thought, considering what lay before them, what he was leading these friends and allies into. "Would you call this crazy, Garrus?"

"I'd call it crazy if it was anyone else trying to pull it off. But you have a way of making crazy work, Shepard." They both paused as Jack stalked past and approached the pod. Miranda began her explanations, but Jack was suddenly surrounded by a blue nimbus of energy and simply floated up into the pod, leaving Miranda talking to air. Miranda shook her head in annoyance and turned away. "Maybe that's why you seem to attract so much crazy. Let's call your plan…unorthodox. And when we retrieve the Normandy and rescue her crew, you're buying me a fleet of drinks back on the Citadel. That will be sufficient." Garrus flared his mandibles in a way that Shepard had come to recognize as a smile. A motion made more difficult for Garrus by the injury to his face. Garrus then nodded and climbed into the boarding pod.

Shepard turned and looked for Tali, but did not see her. Miranda saw him looking about and gestured to the pod. He walked to the entryway and saw that Tali had already boarded. Kasumi had also taken a seat, though he had never seen her pass by. Shepard gestured for Miranda and Jacob to climb aboard and then climbed in himself, taking his seat next to Tali. With all of them seated the quarters were tight, but manageable. They sat in a ring facing the interior of the pod, shoulder to shoulder. Joker came aboard last. As the pilot, he was lifted into the center of the pod, seated in a flight chair suspended from the ceiling. The floor of the pod through which they had entered irised closed.

Shepard leaned close to Tali and spoke quietly just for her. "Are you ready, Tali. Whatever comes next, we'll face it together. I'm here for you. Always."

Tali radiated that mix of tense determination and…something…that he found confusing and more than a little disquieting. "I'm ready, Shepard. I'm ready. I'm going to fix this."

"We'll fix this, Tali. Together."

"…Yes, Shepard. That's what I meant to say."

A nervousness he couldn't quite define scratched at the back of Shepard's mind. A small voice of warning he chose to ignore. This was Tali. He trusted her. Besides, there was no more time for anxiety. With the necessary time for preparations they had barely an hour on their imposed time limit. They had to act now using the plans he had made, for better or worse.

As Joker completed his preparations Shepard spoke to the crew. "We'll be at Prizrak's base in a matter of minutes. Maybe we'll get lucky and be able to talk our way onto the station…" The snorts from the crew attested to their opinion regarding the likelihood of that. "On the off chance things go less smoothly, we'll implement our plan to forcibly access the base."

"Your plan, Shepard. Don't put my name on this madness." The extra credits had improved Zaeed's mood, but not his opinion of Shepard's strategy.

Shepard chose to ignore Zaeed's outburst. He'd rather the crew were chuckling at his comment than worrying about what was to come. "I want helmets on and emergency vacc suits active for the approach. We have a low power communications channel set up through our omni-tools, but we should still keep transmissions to a minimum unless necessary. The Normandy and our crew are the primary targets. If we can retrieve both without confronting Prizrak, we will. However, if we do locate Prizrak…" The look on Shepard's face, the tone of his voice, left no doubt as to what would happen should they find Prizrak. Shepard looked around once more at his crew, projecting as much confidence as he could. He reached over and took Tali's hand, squeezing it in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. In return, she gripped his hand like she was afraid he would be pulled away from her. Like she would never let go.

No time. No time for confusion. No time anymore for doubt. "Punch it, Joker. Let's get our people back. Let's get our home back." No acknowledgement was necessary. The engines of the Cardinal Sin roared to life at Joker's remote command and the ship accelerated into FTL.