JUST THE GIRL

PALE SILVER LIGHT GREETED ME the next afternoon when I woke, and for the first time in a long time, my hangover hurt. A lot. I felt like I'd been run over, rolling over on the mattress and taking the layers of quilts with me. I might have laid there with my eyes stubbornly shut for another hour maybe, restlessly burrowing in deeper into the dark, the warmth. But I did not dream again. I had nothing to distract me from the dull thudding in my skull.

Eventually, I forced myself out. My throat was sandpaper and I needed to pee really bad. I trudged sleepily through Adam's cabin, getting the fire started again. I drank milk straight from the carton while I made myself the now standard double eggs and double bacon in the same pan. Brunch of champions. I ate straight from the pan, watching cartoons on the PBS kids channel. I was getting maybe a little too invested in Dragon Tales.

I felt good that Sunday, despite my hangover. I felt… me. Like for the first time my brain wasn't an internal whirlwind, and I could just be present, watching some kids bounce on clouds with their dragon friends. I knew why I felt good. I knew what I'd been dreaming about, what I'd tried so desperately to return to.

Whenever I close my eyes for long enough, I picture Leah Clearwater's smile lines and that look she'd give me before a dry, sarcastic answer. And when my heart fluttered, I didn't try to fight it. I didn't know how something so tiny could be so liberating, but it really was. I had a crush on a girl, and I could openly admit that to myself. Leah Clearwater was hot. And just because I thought that did not mean I was taking anything away from Adam. My feelings for her are just as valid as they were for him. I had to drill that into my head a little.

Maybe I could ask her to the movies. Not as a date, but just to see her again. She did say she liked girls too, right? The panic filled me. What if I'd completely read that wrong? What had she said in the diner? Something about Sam. Fuck. Were we flirting? What's the difference between flirting with a girl and the usual estrogen rush hanging out with a friend? Oh my god.

The phone rings. I blink out of my spiral. I expect Charlie again, probably with an update about Bella. "Hello?"

"Hey." Leah Clearwater stretched the word out, sounding way too cool. I was helpless at once, physically swooning as I slipped half-off the couch. Get a hold of yourself. This was already so different. Why was this so different? "Sooo… guess who had to survive a totally embarrassing conversation with Chief Swan just to get your number this morning?"

I laugh, maybe a little too brightly. "Oh no. What did he do?"

"Oh no, it wasn't just him, it was my Dad too. You should've seen their faces when I told them we hung out yesterday, it was like ten Christmases happened all at once." She complained, and I laugh more with her. "I didn't know you had your own line, I told Charlie I was thinking of calling you up and he gave me this number."

"No, I have my own house—well, cabin. It's Adam's." I explain and she says a soft 'ah' in response. "The Wexlers left it to me when they skipped town, I've tried to keep fixing it up but it's kinda slow progress on my own."

"Is that what's on the agenda for today?" Leah asks. "I'm pretty good with a hammer."

"As good as you are with charcoal?" I can't help but to tease her. She scoffs, and I giggle. "You don't have to do that, it's fine. I'm kinda waiting for better weather before I keep working on the outside anyway."

"You do realize we live in literally the shittiest weather in America, right?" She snarks back. "Like, year-round."

"Ugh, I know, do you know how hard it is to keep firewood dry here?" I complain and she laughs.

"I'm serious Grace, I volunteer. I am so down for some DIY, I need something to keep me busy anyway I've got like no social life to speak of." She pushes.

"Oh my god, did you kill all your friends? Is that why you were hanging out in a cemetery?" I accuse faux-seriously, and she laughs again. "And you said I wasn't funny, graveyard girl."

"You're really not, I don't know what's wrong with me." She answers as I smile. "So am I coming over or what?"

"Of course you are, whenever you want, you don't have to ask." I light up at the thought of seeing her again so soon. "I mean, your Bronco's probably gonna do better with the dirt track than the Camaro ever will."

"Oooh, it's a dirt track? Wait where is this cabin, this isn't some kinda creepy murder hide-out is it?" She asks. "Hold on, let me get a pen and paper to get the directions down."

I completely ignore my headache over the next half hour, frantically cleaning up and changing outfits twice. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help myself, racing out like an idiot when I heard the Bronco outside. I was so relieved to see Leah grinning at me as she hopped out. It gave me hope that I wasn't the only one feeling this head rush of endorphins around her. "Hey stranger."

"Hey blondie, ooh, decking!" She shook a loud, plastic toolbox around in her grip as she marched up through the muddy grass. "You know, you're looking at an expert decker. I've helped my Dad lay out two whole decks."

"I don't think 'decker's a real word, Miss Expert." I could actually feel my eyes twinkling.

"Oh it's totally a word. I mean, my first deck might have been when I was like six and my only job might have been handing my Dad bolts but it totally counts." She grins with ease as she gets up onto the pre-existing section of porch, where I was waiting for her. "Hi."

"Hi." I smile brightly at her. "Come on in—boots off, please."

"Oh you're one of those." She comments, amused, following me in after some effort to get her shoes off while I take her toolkit for her. "Huh. This is nicer than I expected."

"Thank you." I smile. "I've tried to cheer it up a little."

I'd brought the area rugs from my old bedroom over, one for the living room to replace the hideous shag carpet, and the other for the bedroom. I'd hung paintings I had done myself on a few of the walls, just plain landscapes to bring a splash of color in. It wasn't a massive change, but it was a start. "Well, you could use a kitchen."

"Are you an expert cabinetmaker too?" I joke. The phone rings, cutting her off when her lips had parted to speak. I hand her back her heavy toolbox. "It's probably just Charlie, he was gonna talk to my sister today about—hang on. Make yourself at home. Hello?"

"Grace." Sam Uley has the worst timing in the world.

If Leah noticed my expression fall from where I faced her, she didn't say anything. I turned my back to her with a tensed jaw. "I thought I asked you not to call anymore."

"The vampire's back, she got closer to town this time. She was almost at your place but something scared her off before we got to her." His words made me panic. "I think you should go to Charlie's for the day, just in case."

"No." The last thing I would do was risk Charlie. "You're sure she was headed this way?"

"I told you, she must want to check on the boy."

The boy who was lying in a grave on the other side of town. "Yeah, okay. I've gotta go buy some stuff in Port Angeles anyway."

Complete bullshit, but I knew Leah was listening. "You know that's too far for us to protect you."

I tried to breathe evenly. "I don't need your help, no, but thank you for calling. Let's not keep doing that. Bye-bye now. Have a happy Sunday."

"Who was that?" Leah snorted at my faux chirpy voice at the end, watching me hang up on her ex-boyfriend.

"This guy from work I really don't like." I lie easily. "He reminded me I've gotta go scout for some stuff in Port Angeles. You up for it?"

"I meeeeaaan, it's not decking, but…" She toyed playfully, and her grin makes me grin back. "You're lucky I'm a sucker for blondes."

"Oh, very lucky." I agree, immediately lighting up at her first obvious flirtation. So there might be a vampire trying to hunt us down, who cares? Leah Clearwater's a sucker for blondes. I needed to get her out of the scary woods and somewhere with too many witnesses before this ended up a romantic tragedy. "Come on, you're driving."

I was half-distracted the entire drive, and trying very, very hard to make up for it by being overly talkative. I didn't even know what I was blabbing on about as my eyes kept scanning the trees for any flash of red hair. Would I even notice if a vampire was stalking us? I'd assume not. Why were there so many long stretches of road with nothing but forests on either side of us? This was absolutely the perfect place for vampires to hunt. She could show up in the blink of an eye, flip Leah's gigantic Bronco, drain us dry and make it look like a car accident. It would be terrifyingly easy.

The same question that had been bothering me since the night Adam died returned to the forefront of my mind. How could Alice have missed this? How could the Cullens actively ignore what was happening in Forks? I knew I was the one to manipulate Edward and Rosalie into leaving, but surely they had once cared enough about me and my sister to care if we were being picked off by another of their kind. I remembered that final night, our birthday. The way Rosalie had shielded me better than Edward had Bella, the way she had been faster to remove me from the situation and protect me from danger. That night had been horrifying, but I remembered the details better from a distance. If Rosalie's instinct had been to keep me safe then, how could that instinct go so quickly? "Oh my god, I love this song."

Leah turned the dial on her old stereo system up, and I thought I vaguely recognized the twanging guitar before the beat kicked in. She surprised me, singing along to the words with her eyes glued to the road, her voice absolutely awful but she seemed not to care one little bit. "Here's the thing, we started off friends. It was cool, but it was all prete-end. Yeah, yeah. Since you been gone!"

Kelly Clarkson. Whatever I had been expecting, it was not this. All thoughts of our potential impending death shifted to the back burner as I turned a little in my seat to face her better. Her lips twitched as she raised her voice, still completely tone-deaf. "You're dedicated, you took the time. Wasn't long til I called you mine, yeah yeah! Since you been gone! And all you'd ever hear me say is how I pictured me with you! That's all you'd ever hear me say!"

And then she broke out to full volume while I laughed. "BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GOOOOOOONE! I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME! I'M SO MOVING ON, YEAH YEAH! THANKS TO YOU, NOW I GET, I GET WHAT I WANT! Since you been gone. Okay, your turn blondie."

"Oh no, I'm good." I wave off.

"How can I put it, you put me on—come on Grace!"

"I even fell for that stupid love song." I roll my eyes at her, smirking a little smugly when she double-takes at my voice. "Yeah yeah, since you been gone. How come I'd never hear you say, I just wanna be with you? Guess you never felt that way, but—"

"SINCE YOU BEEN GONE! I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME! I'M SO MOVING ON, YEAH YEAH!" We both belted, and I tried my best to harmonize with her. "THANKS TO YOU, NOW I GET, I GET WHAT I WAAAAANT! Since you've been gone. You had your chance, you blew it! Outta sight, outta mind! Shut your mouth I just can't take it! Again and again and again and again!"

"Dun-dun-dunn-dun, dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh." I play an imaginary air guitar to the guitar solo bit. Leah thumped a palm against her steering wheel to time. We flashed a breathless grin at each other, getting ready for the second go of the chorus. "SINCE YOU BEEN GOOOOONE! I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME! I'M SO MOVING ON, YEAH YEAH! THANKS TO YOU, NOW I GET, I GET WHAT I WAAAAANT! I WAAAA-"

"Oh." I clasp my throat, my voice suddenly disappearing out mid note. Leah laughed.

"Shit, you good?" She reached behind her blindly, pulling out a plastic bottle. I blush, thanking her soundlessly, screwing the top off. "You fully just went Little Mermaid, I didn't think you could sing like that, wow. What happened? Sore throat?"

"No, hungover." I rasp out with a wince and she laughs brightly. She looked so pretty when she laughed. For the first time maybe ever, I wasn't beating myself up for noticing that. I was basking in it. I was staring openly. I could feel the way my cheeks tightened with my little smile, my faint blush. I could be like this for Leah. I could just… go with it, instead of trying so hard, instead of thinking of all the ways I could get her to react how I wanted her to react. It wasn't a game or a challenge. It was just… easy. Painfully easy. I was trying really hard not to compare every little micro-moment with how I felt around Adam. That wouldn't be fair to him. I wasn't ready for that. I needed my brain to stop annotating my life.

We talked about dumb things again, carefully dancing around exes and my own family drama. Leah was too smart not to figure out why I didn't live with my own family anymore, if Harry hadn't already told her. It was a long drive to Port Angeles in the Bronco. Leah drove slower than average, but I didn't really notice until the radio started off on the news hour. I was quick to turn the volume up. There had been more missing people in Seattle. Good. Further away from us.

By the time she dropped me off back home it was already night, and she agreed to stay for dinner. I'd come up with a whole list of things to get for both the cabin and Dowling's. A new plus to being eighteen was that I could buy the flamethrower I spotted in a hardware and farming store. I figured most people used it to melt down snow, not what I had in mind. Leah had tried to talk me out of it repeatedly but I insisted that I had a whole lot of yard and I wasn't going to shovel it every day. All I was thinking about was a chargrilled redhead.

Maybe I was going too extreme. I'd had to shell out a little over a grand for the whole setup, but I figured I couldn't go to college if I was dead. If Charlie ever found the flamethrower he was going to roast me himself. I would've found a way to buy a gun if I thought a gun was going to help me any. I knew this was a turning point for me; I'd always hated guns.

But Leah makes me forget again. The moment she lays her head on my lap on the couch, I'm putty. We're watching some dumb B-rate action movie I've never heard of. Her head is heavy on my lap, and I don't know where to put my hands, briefly twitching them in mid-air. But she doesn't notice—her eyes are glued to the screen. "Is it okay if I stay over tonight? I'm too bushed to drive home."

"Sure, but I have school tomorrow, I'll be up at six." I finally gather the courage to move my fingers into her very soft looking hair. It was even silkier than I'd imagined. She hummed appreciatively as my fingertips found her scalp, the always trimmed-to-the-bed nails scratching gently. I'd never blink twice doing this for Adam or even Bella. I didn't know why this felt like such a huge moment with her.

"Don't go." She grumbled, eyes still shut, making me giggle.

"You could just stay here." I tell her. "Whenever you want."

"It's just…today's been really nice." She opens her eyes, twisting around so she was lying on her back and looking up at me, expression a little vulnerable but otherwise utterly relaxed. I kept massaging her scalp. "It's easier to…forget, with you."

"I know." I smile shyly. "Me too."

"Plus my mom's been riding my ass every day like she keeps thinking I'm gonna fall apart every time I hear about stupid Sam or Emily, and my Dad's totally on Sam's side like that's so fucked up so we argue all the fucking time and my little brother's…" She sighs. "Seth's good. Too good. It makes me guilty that I'm such an asshole to him."

"Stay here." I offer again. "Whenever you want."

She smiles. "Is that why you're out here too?"

My face falls. She's ready for that. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't wanna."

"It's…complicated." That sounds so lame even if it's the understatement of the century.

"I'm pretty sure whatever it is it's valid, your boyfriend's dead." She points out bluntly, not treating me like I'm fragile. I smile again, but this time it's bitter. "Come on. Aren't we past the whole trauma dumping stage already? I mean, I kinda made you figure out you're bi."

"I'm not." I say quickly, and she gives me a look. Right. She was in my lap. "I don't know what I am, you didn't make me realize anything." Total lie. "I'm still figuring stuff out."

"Okay, sure." She crossed her arms under her chest. "Why do you live alone in the woods?"

"Bella." I answer reluctantly, grumbling. Her name alone left a sour taste on my tongue. "I mean, I get it now, I lost her a good while ago, you know? I just figured oh love makes you blind and love makes you stupid and my sister's in love so of course she's gonna ignore me and we're gonna drift apart because she's gonna wanna spend all her time with him and she's gonna think about nothing but him. That was fine. I didn't mind that part. Good for her."

"Well you clearly minded, but go on." Leah cut in, making me scrunch my nose up as I wondered if maybe I had, just a little.

"Bella had her accident in phoenix, did you hear about that one?" I ask her, and she looks confused. "Long story short, she pulled a runner because she got spooked over how much she loved Edward or something, I dunno, she got scared she'd end up stuck in Forks like Mom, so she drove off in the middle of the night. Without me. She wanted to go back to Phoenix."

"Anyway, Edward and his family convinced me to go with them to chase after her and basically convince her to come back to Forks. Talk her down. And while we were there, Bella tripped and fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. It was a mess. She could've died if we didn't get to her in time. We were really lucky Edward's dad was with us and he's a doctor." I run through the official story breezily. "Point of the story, when we're in the hospital, Edward's sister overhears Bella tell him that as soon as high school's over, she wants to move away with him—no, that's the wrong word—run away. She says something along the lines of 'Mom and Dad can't expect me to take care of them when they're old they know I need to have my own life'—"

"No." Leah gasps.

"Yeah!" It felt so unbelievably good to vent. "And then she says 'Gracie won't miss me', can you believe her? I was so fucking mad. And I started icing her out for a bit just because I was so upset with her for even thinking that, and she just doesn't even notice, doesn't even care. And it makes me angrier and angrier. Like okay you're in love, you're blind, but you'd just abandon your whole family just like that? And it doesn't even bother you that your own twin just out of nowhere isn't talking to you anymore? What the fuck? And then, obviously, fast forward to Edward and his family leaving. I think he broke up with her pretty bad, I don't know, she wouldn't talk to any of us. She won't even let any of us say their names around her. It's like a whole taboo, like we have to walk on thin ice around her, you know? Protect the fragile little bird. And she was just… so fucking broken. And I spent like a whole month just taking care of her, you know? Like I put everything aside because she was suffering and I have to take care of her, that's what I always do, I take care of her, it's never the other way around. And then Adam dies…and it's like she doesn't even notice. Like it never even registered to her. Like her boyfriend dumping her trumps my boyfriend getting ripped apart. All she said was 'nice funeral'."

"So you left." Leah understood. Stroking my fingers through her hair had kept me oddly calm through my rant. I felt a whole ton lighter unloading all of that. "Dude I would've beat her up, she's lucky I'm not her sister. Are you kidding? I'd pulverize her."

She made me smile. "Did you tell her all of that?"

"No." I sigh, and she gives me an unimpressed look. "How could you tell?"

"That was definitely the first time you let that all out." She observes. "I don't think you've even let yourself think that stuff."

"I get too angry." I blush. "I can't think straight when I'm angry."

"I'm pretty sure you can't think straight at all." She teases, dimples flaring, and I shoot her a petty glare. "I think you should talk to her about that stuff."

"It's no use." I frown. "I have to bring up Edward for that, she'd turn into a vegetable again. It'll all go in through one ear and out the other. It's impossible."

"But she's your twin though." Leah points out. "You can't just cut her out, like you have to call her out on her shit and vice versa. Literally no one else is gonna do it, she has to listen to you."

"She won't." I grouch. "Bella's the most stubborn person I know, she only sees the world how she wants to see it. Plus she really sucks at confrontation. The most I'll get is an 'oh' and some half-assed sorry. I can't stand her just… she's not her anymore. She still isn't. Like she's an empty shell. She doesn't mean a single thing she says and she only talks when she's spoken to and it's just like… like someone trying really, really hard to pretend they're alive. Does that make any sense?"

"Oh no, no I've been there, I've gone through that. I mean, I didn't take as long to get out of the vegetable stage, but it was one hundred percent that brutal." Leah tells me plainly and I frown. "But hey, if I shook out of it she's gotta too, right?"

"I don't think it's the same. She doesn't hate Edward." I argue gently.

"I don't hate Sam." Leah sighs. "I wish I did. It'd be easier if I did. I call him names and I talk shit about him all the time but the sad twisted fucking truth is that I loved that asshole for a reason. I was gonna spend the rest of my life with him for a reason. And that doesn't go away, even if he did crazy shady shit."

"Are you still in love with him?" I don't know why my heart picks up.

She scrunches her nose, twisting her face to one side. "I think I've gotten to the stage of mourning the love I could've had…like I wish I was in love like that again just to erase that memory, override it. I don't crave being with him like that anymore. It just stings like a bitch to have to see it, to be reminded every single day because every single part of that town is haunted by like, the ghost of our relationship."

"Okay, wow." I blink. "We've officially reached that stage of late night talking where it sounds like we've had one too many joints."

"Shut up." She laughs. "Where's this booze you were drinking sad and alone last night? Come on. Let's get this sleepover going, blondie."

"I am not getting drunk before a school day." As if I wasn't every night. She didn't need to know that. I needed to be a little more aware if the vampire had come for the cabin, and Leah was sleeping here.

"Ugh, fine, party pooper." She complained, settling back down on my lap. "Make up for it with more head scratching."

"You're so bossy." I complain.

"It feels so nice." She sighs, settling in limp with her ridiculously long eyelashes fluttering shut again. "So you can cook, you can draw, you can sing, you can give really good head massages. What can't you do?"

"Behave." I don't hesitate, and she chuckles. "I dunno, it's not like I was ever naturally good at anything. I'm just a little bit of a perfectionist. I need to be good at everything."

"Some might say that's a sign you're making up for something." She toys singsong, and I scoff. "I'm just saying dude."

"Call me dude one more time, I dare you."

Her eyes flash wide, and then she's grinning. Her voice drops low. "What're you gonna do about it?"

I jerk to dip down and kiss her, but I hesitate, and in my hesitation I come to my senses enough to stop myself. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted that more than anything. The sudden urge had been overwhelming, and I knew if it had been a boy I wouldn't think twice. But suddenly my entire body is a-flush and my fingertips and toes are tingling and my head feels fuzzy. My heart is racing hard enough to shoot out of my chest. And there must have been a horrified expression on my face for what I had stopped myself from doing, because Leah frowns. "You good?"

"Yeah." My voice is barely a breath, and I clear my throat as if it was still hoarse from this morning. "Yeah, no, fine. I'm gonna get some water, you want some?"

"Yeah sure." She frowns, picking herself up off me to let me get up. As I run away to the kitchen I wonder if I'd imagined the disappointment on her face.

I watch over Leah that night, after she falls asleep around 2 AM on my side of the mattress. We'd taken turns showering, and I'd lent her some stuff to wear to bed. We'd stayed up late just talking about nothing again. My mind raced with that familiar fear again, watching her snore lightly, curled up around a spare pillow. She looked so much younger when she slept. So uncharacteristically naive and innocent. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to keep her safe from the monsters I knew were well and truly lurking around in the woods surrounding us. I wanted to protect her from her equally dangerous ex-boyfriend. But the truth was there was nothing I could really do. I felt overwhelmingly helpless as I watched her sleep.

But then my eyes drifted, traitorously, to her full pink lips. The ones I had almost kissed tonight. I wondered if it would feel any different, if it would be as bad as my first kiss with a boy when I was twelve. The mere thought of kissing Leah Clearwater sent a far sharper thrill of fear down my spine, leaving goosebumps everywhere in its wake. She scared me more than vampires and werewolves and actual, very probably death. Why couldn't I just fucking kiss her?

The regret, and the anxiety that came with it, would keep me up through the entire night, propped up against Adam's pillows with my arms crossed under my chest, staying as far from her as I could without falling off the bed. She shuffled closer for warmth as the fire started dying down, and I just kept edging away. I'd been fine with her on my lap. Well, fine was a strong word. I daydreamed about edging closer instead of away, of letting her crawl onto me and cuddle against me with her head on my chest the way I used to lie on Adam. It'd be perfect. I could run my fingers through her hair all night and not once cramp up. God I wanted that more than anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. This really was more terrifying than vampires.