5. No more tank races.
This incident was totally the motor pool crew's fault. Specifically, it was Steeler, Clutch, Cover Girl, and Heavy Metal's fault.
A huge crowd of Joes was building up by the motor pool in anticipation of the event about to take place.
"Place your bets, everyone! The race is about to start so place your bets!", Ace called out as he took several Joes and Greenshirt's wagers.
That's right it was a race! But not just any kind of race...
Scoop aimed his tv camera at Breaker and Dial-Tone, who were sitting behind a desk with microphones.
"OK Guys," he said "We start in 5...4...3...2...1..."
"Hello race fans and welcome to the first ever Tanker's Grand Prix!!! I'm Breaker, and I'm joined by my good friend Dial-Tone!", Breaker greeted the camera.
"Hiya folks!", Dial-Tone added, "That's right, today we find out which driver is the best Mauler jockey! Now let's introduce our racers!"
"Driving Mauler number 1, all the way from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He's harder than two tons of tempered steel, and probably just as bulletproof, lets hear it for Steeler!", Breaker yelled as Steeler popped out of the hatch of the tank to a throng of cheers.
"In the number 2 is a kid who loves only two things in this world: driving fast cars and chasing hot chicks! He can do things in a muscle car that will make you head do flip flops. It's the wannabe casanova frop Asbury Park, New Jersey, Clutch!", exclaimed Dial-Tone.
Clutch opened the hatch, and slicked his hair back and winked at some female Greenshirts.
"Driver number 3 hails from Peoria, Illinois. She's drop dead gorgeous whether she's posing for a fashion mag, or covered in motor oil! She's the pin-up of panzers, the tsarina of tanks, it's Cover Girl!", shouted Breaker.
The model popped out of the hatch and tried not to roll her eyes at the wolf whistles and catcalls from most of the males in the audience.
"Last but not least, from Brooklyn, New York, it's driver 4! He's a tanker and a finance expert who's named after a Union General, a German tank General, AND a World War 2 era tank named after said Union General! Heeeere's Heavy Metal!", Dial-Tone hollered.
The Mauler jockey waved to the cheering crowd as he sat in the tank's driver seat.
"And now here to start our race here's our Grand Marshall, Skidmark!
Skidmark stood on a watch tower and yelled:
"TANKERS, START YOUR ENGINES!!!"
The sound of Mauler engines angrily roaring to life filled the air as he lifted a green flag.
"On your marks...Get set...GO!!!", Skidmark roared as he dropped the flag.
The Maulers took off in a cloud of dust, smoke belching from their exhaust ports as the Joes cheered.
"WHOO-HOO!!! GO GETTEM CLUTCH!!", shouted Crankcase.
"Pfft, no way, Cover Girl's got this one in the bag." said Lady Jaye.
"My money's on Heavy Metal." said Alpine, "Who did you bet on Shipwreck?"
"Steeler of course." said the sailor.
"Betting against your partner in crime, Shipwreck? That's not like you.", said Scarlett.
"Don't get me wrong, Red. Sure, Clutch is my best bud, but outta those four, who has more experience with tanks?", The sailor grinned.
"Point taken.", said Scarlett.
"Hey W.B., L.T., you readin' us up there?" asked Breaker.
"Loud n' clear, pardner!", said Wild Bill, "Me and Lift-Ticket have yer eye in the sky!"
"That looks great, guys! What can you tell us from up there?", said Dial-Tone.
"Well, Dial-Tone, from the looks of it, Steeler's in the lead while Cover Girl and Clutch are fightin' it out for second place.", said Lift-Ticket, "Oh wait, Heavy Metal just passed Clutch!"
By this point the racers were on their third lap around the base perimeter. Little did they know that trouble was ahead...
Leatherneck and Wet-Suit were walking and arguing, as usual.
(A/N: As for what they were arguing about, I don't know. They fight so much that after a while, it all sorta gets blurred.)
As they walked out by the perimeter to settle this matter with their fists, they were trading their usual insults.
"Alright Froggy, may the best Marine win!", said Leatherneck.
"You mean may the best SEAL win, Gyrene!", snarled Wet-Suit, "I'm gonna-Hey what's that noise?", he trailed off.
"Sounds like Maulers.", the Marine answered.
The two turned to look at the source of the noise, and to their horror, saw four Mauler tanks turn the corner and bear down on them at top speed!
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!", they screamed in unison as they held on to each other for dear life!
In the lead Mauler, Steeler jammed on the brakes as hard as he could. Behind him, Cover Girl and Heavy Metal did the same thing. Clutch however, panicked and swerved to avoid rear-ending Steeler's tank. Realizing his error, he tried to stop, but it did no good, and by the time his tank stopped he had flattened the obstacle course!
Oh, I am SO dead! , Clutch thought to himself as he realized what he'd done.
"Clutch, you ok?!", asked Heavy Metal.
"OMIGOD, OMIGOD, BEACH HEAD'S GONNA MURDER ME!!!", Clutch screamed.
"Calm down, Clutch.", said Cover Girl, "You know we can rebuild it, right?"
"Yeah!", said Heavy Metal, "And besides Beach is off base on a mission for three weeks with Snake-Eyes and Stalker, so we can hurry up and reb-"
"CLUTCH, YEW STUPID GREASE MONKEY, YEW FLATTENED MAH OBSTACLE COURSE!!!!! WHEN AH'M DONE WITH YEW, YOUR GAWDDAMNED MAMA WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL YEW FROM ROADKILL!!!!!", the Sergeant Major's roar interrupted Heavy Metal's sentence.
"Oh joy, he came back early.", said Steeler.
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!", Clutch shrieked as he ran from a very pissed off Beach Head.
Now, Hawk couldn't let Beach Head kill Clutch, because flaws aside, he was still an important member of the team. However, Beach Head got the last laugh in the end...
"Hey Stalker, Yew an' me are gonna supervise the greenshirts while they rebuild the obstacle course.", said Beach Head.
"Yeah I hear ya. But what about those grease monkeys?" asked Stalker, "After all, they wrecked the obstacle course in the first place."
"Oh-ho don't yew worreh, cause Ah gotta extra special nice detail for them clowns.", he answered.
"Meaning?", asked the field commander.
"Think about it. Its been three months since the last alligator detail.", chuckled Beach Head.
"Hoo boy, You sure play dirty when you're mad, Beach.", laughed Stalker.
Beach Head grinned at his fellow Ranger, "Ah don't get mad, Stalker, Ah get even."
So what is alligator detail, you ask?
Officially, it means the cleaning of one of the four large septic tanks underneath the Pit.
Unofficially, to qoute Beach Head, it means to "Go down into that gawddamned shit-hole an' scrub the inside of it 'til it shines like the day it was lowered into the ground.", end quote.
This was what our racing heroes were currently doing, much to their displeasure.
"Ugh, I'm never gonna get this smell outta my clothes!", groaned Heavy Metal.
"Or my mind.", added Steeler.
"This is all your fault, Clutch!", Cover Girl snapped.
"Sheesh, I said I was sorry didn't I?!", he retorted.
"If you had just stopped we wouldn't be down here wallowing around in our own shit, and everyone else's!", snarled Steeler.
"Well excuse me for not tryin' to rear-end ya Boss!", growled Clutch.
"And I think I'm gonna strangle Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, and Beach Head when I get cleaned up!", said Cover Girl.
Suddenly, they heard a gurgling noise from one of the pipes and looked up.
"Uhhh, Clutch? You turned off that pipe, right?", asked Steeler.
"I thought Heavy Metal did that!", said Clutch.
"No, I thought Steeler did it!", said Heavy Metal, as the pipe gurgled louder.
Then the raw sewage started to come in!
"OH SHIT!!!!!", screeched Cover Girl as the foul sludge fell on them!
For a brief moment afterward, there was silence, which was promptly shattered by the resulting collective scream from the four!
Needless to say, there was never another Tanker's Grand Prix ever again!
A/N: Once again I apologize for the late update, I lost a couple of files. Word of warning: ALWAYS save your files every five minutes!!!
From now on, all swears will be written in full, because for some reason, when I write them like they do in comic books they get misspelled.
I hope you liked the reference to Beach Head's file card!
Rule 6 coming next!