Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Four

Four days, I took four days. Two of them were over the weekend. I hid for four days well tried to. Val I phoned the first day, we wrote but calling was rare. She wanted to fly out I told her I'd be okay, she called the next day as she wasn't convinced I would be. She called everyday since. On Sunday night's call when I said I was definitely going back to school, as I didn't want to skip the appointment with Mrs T early in the morning that I secured to change my timetable she helped me decide what to wear.

She wasn't the only one who wouldn't let me hide. Steve came over after school on the Thursday with fries from The Pit, he wanted to make sure I ate. I had a couple just so he wouldn't worry. He listened to music with me, and then helped me take some of those memories down. He even defaced a picture of Dylan with devil horns and buck teeth. I attempted to smile because I knew that's what he wanted, he wanted to show me that he was on my side. I didn't want sides. I still wanted my time machine, I wanted to go back to the moment it all went wrong, if I could figure out exactly when that was. He came everyday. On Sunday he managed to get me to play horse outside on the driveway, he said I was even more pale than usual and needed the raise. He thought I needed to gain some colour before Monday.

It was sweet. He thought it was the appearance of being hurt that I was trying to hide, that I was scared they could tell they got to me. No it wasn't that, that I knew I couldn't hide. No what I didn't want them to have was me unchecked, they weren't allowed to have my tears, my screams, my words. Until I could hold that, keep that in, then I wouldn't go back. By Sunday I had become so numb that I thought I was ready.

Brandon had surprised me the most.

Baja, running to Dylan's, Paris, it had strained us, though it didn't feel like that anymore. He sat with me each night. He'd distract me with stories of us as kids. He'd listen and analyse with me for hours. He kept the doors between our rooms open so I knew he was there for me. It took till Saturday for me to be aware enough to realise that something wasn't right with him. When I realised he was listening to the fourth game of the day on his radio, jumping between sports and being way too invested. I asked. He tried to hide it, but I guilted him, I asked for no lies that I had had my fill. He gave in.

He wasn't in too deep, lost a bit but today's bets should have brought him back to almost even. He could see my worry, he promised no more. He held my eyes as he said it, he knew me, he knew how much I was struggling, he knew that breaking a promise would be destructive to what little reality I trusted. He promised it to me again. He then stood and without a word to me rang Nat, he told him everything Duke the games, everything. He did it to show me that he wouldn't break the promise, even if he needed help to guarantee it.

Mrs T, let me change science classes. She let me change all my classes, even the ones that it wasn't necessary to do. She pushed me into a AP mathematics class, she let me drop Spanish and move into advanced French, she took the timetable conversation as a chance to push me academically, and then when my credits needed for graduation were all accounted for she discussed my study periods. I had a lot. Summer school and full class loads with extra credit had resulted in me not needing to take as many courses. She discussed my excellent work in the student office this year, helping organise student events. She then asked, with my skills would I be interested in helping to coach some fellow students who were bright but just disorganised, it was leading to poor work or late submissions she thought someone like me could help. I agreed.

It was perfect it would distract me, it would mean I was almost inaccessible at school, and it would give me something beyond myself to focus on.

The day past, and I didn't catch a glimpse of either of them, and no one mentioned them to me. No one would dare, if Steve wasn't next to me it was Brandon, or Andrea, and at one stage Tony Miller was on bodyguard duty not that he knew why. Steve had asked him to make sure I got across campus to my new Math class, it supposedly was on Tony's way. It was sweet of them, all of them, but it also made me feel powerless. That night I told that to Val on the phone, she told me to let them do it, that if it avoided a confrontation with the Bitch and the Dick then it was worth it.

Tuesday on the way to school Brandon brought up the conversation we had overheard our parents having, Dylan's request to have Jack manage his money. He had gone to Dad's office Monday afternoon for a meeting. Brandon asked again if he could tell them, that it may help Dad and Mum feel less like they were making a parent decision and more like Dad was making a business one. I refused.

My instinct was still to defend him, to protect him. Val's nickname for him made me cringe, Steve's digs made me bite my tongue less I snap in protest. Brandon didn't do that, to him he was abandoning a brother a brother he loved, I could tell that hurt him.

When we arrive at school and we're parked I stay in my seat and play with the ring Aunt Sheila had left me. It was a diamond. When she got sick she knew, she knew finding love, getting married, settling down, it would all become a secondary concern to her health. She bought herself a diamond ring then. She wanted to own one beautiful ring in her lifetime. She didn't give up though, she called it the temporary ring that when she found her husband she'd get a bigger one and I could have her's. In her will she left it to me.

As I spun the ring I voiced my concern, "he's making a lot of big decisions quickly. He's trusting his Dad when he never has before, even Thanksgiving when Jack stayed with him he told me it felt off. That Jack was hyped in his old ways."

"You're worried."

"He stopped AA months ago, he's keeping secrets, he's making big decisions well financial big decisions quickly, of course I'm worried. I know it's not my place anymore, it's… it's hers-"

"Bren I know you love him, I know that won't go quietly. Look I get the concern, but what can we do? Neither of us are talking to him, and lets face it Dylan's going to do what Dylan wants."

"You love him, he's your brother, he saved your life last year on that mountain. Brandon I know you love me, I know you have my back, I know you can love us both, be there for us both. Whether this works out well for him or Jack disappoints him again, either way don't let him do this alone. Don't let him think he's alone, he's spent his life thinking that, he's spent his life waiting for people to leave him." He doesn't say anything, but he covers my hand and squeezes.

It's slow at first, but I know when Brandon starts talking to him somewhat normally again, I know because the more okay they become the more pissed Steve becomes. Without giving away Dylan's secrets, I tell Steve that Brandon is being a good brother, that family even family that disappoints is for life.

Friday afternoon I'm back in my room, I managed the first week without seeing them I avoided them, or more accurately the football team that walks around with me now on Steve's orders have body blocked them from my eye line. It's also been helped that my lunch times are completely different now. Part of my studies are used for lunch and my lunchtime's are now used for organising coaching sessions.

Those sessions are bits of joy in my life. At first I had no idea what I was doing, but it became obvious quickly what each individual student needed help with. I'm helping coordinate homework routines, assessment and athletic commitment calendars, study notes that could actually be used to study from. The students have deadlines small deadlines with me, and so far each have come the next morning to show me their completed tasks. Mrs T told me today that she's had parents phone and say how after one lunch with me their child felt more confident, they knew where to start. She told me there is a wait list now to see me, seniors are the priority. I offer to do a few afternoon sessions the next week, my afternoons are empty now.

Thankfully she agreed.

At home my cave of memories, my room had become somewhat of a hell to me.

REM still plays and while my walls were now bare, the box remains on my bench seat. I wasn't brave enough to throw it away, to be done with him. An hour later on that Friday night, Iris finds me in there trapped in my memories, my pain. She, she is magic. By the time she's left the house the box is in the garage. My crystal necklace is hanging from my neck making me feel loved, seen; whether that's the crystal at work or the love in which it was given to me, I have no idea.

While she hadn't told me what she has decided to do with the Trust, like a lot about her son we don't discuss the things we know are his personal business; his addiction, his history, Jack, their history. Though like in everything else concerning him, I know what she is going to do, even if she is still not yet willing to voice it. She is going to give Dylan what he wants, even if it's against her better judgment.

Iris tells me that she'll be leaving Tuesday, heading to a retreat in Honolulu. She wants a few day's in the jungle to release the worry, she sweetly offers to take me with her. School is the only reason I say no. At this stage I would even try Iris' hippie ways, meditate for the healing of my heart even if I place little stock in it.

Steve's Mum sweetly rings me on the Saturday morning to see how I am going. She's called me often since that night to check in. It's a few minutes into the call when she invites me to lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel by ourselves, Steve's off doing sport things. I accept.

Samantha is formal, and is always aware of the eyes on her, but she is kind, loves her son dearly and loves acting. We chat for a long time about her career. Steve had obviously mentioned to her that I wanted to study acting, she goes through the best College's and programs. She discusses it from an industry perspective. By the end of lunch, it's late afternoon, time has gotten away from us. I have so many California and New York College applications to get I'll be lucky to get through them this weekend.

Steve comes over on Sunday morning when Brandon's at work. He tells me about his date the night before and then declares that his mother enjoyed our girlie lunch so much that she wants to adopt me took- we could be legal siblings. He convinces me to go to The Pit for a milkshake, and calls ahead to check with my Brother that there is a table. I know he's really asking if Dylan or she is there. We are halfway through our milkshakes when Donna and David walk in, she asks if they can join.

We haven't seen each other much, Donna has called to check in but I know she doesn't want to know details. She doesn't want to be between her and me, she's in a relationship with her brother. It's an awkward place, I get it, I get that it's awkward. David takes about fifteen minutes to make eye contact with me and when he does the guilt radiates off him. Steve told me he was the only person who knew, he let that information accidentally slip when they were discussing the interest in David recording a proper demo. When Donna goes to put another song on the jute box I finally address the elephant in the room.

"David, she's your sister that trumps everything else. You didn't owe me anything." Before he can respond Donna is back and David is way more relaxed for the rest of the milkshake's. Steve grumbles as we ride back to my house that I was making this too easy for everyone, they should sweat a little; that it may make them think more carefully about messing with our gang dynamics in future.

Steve's family is the gang, it's his team, and it's currently dismantled. Steve complaints focus on that, he has no time for the two faced McKay, and he never mentions her.

On Monday, there is an attack in our neighbourhood. By the the time Steve drops me home after my afternoon student coaching sessions and his detention, Mum has signed us both up for a self-defence class that night. I ask if there is space for one more and then ring Andrea up to see if she would like to join. Both of us are car less, we both walk more than anyone else, it seems right to invite her. She also has gone out of her way to let me know she is there, she doesn't have the awkwardness that Donna does. She even stated that she remembers her promise that night, it was Andrea's first slumber party and she thought that that night had meant something to all of us. It obviously meant more to some than it did others.

The Martial Arts class helps, it helps to be physical. I sign up for three more classes this week, Andrea does too. On the way to dropping her off, she is in her fast speaking excited planning mode; after her injury her physical therapist had suggested she get into exercise, that along with the self protection aspect, and the possibility of a good article on female safety has meant she is buzzing with excitement. It's nice to see someone so happy.

I'm reading when Brandon comes into my room after his shift at The Pit. "Mum just told me about your night, and I'm sure I'll hear it in detail from Andrea tomorrow. Thanks for thinking of her, and offering to drive her there this week."

"No need to thank me she is my friend too, though I know she's always been closer to you and Steve."

"Speaking of Steve, he came by he told me Samantha wants to adopt you."

"She doesn't, but she is being really generous. Some of the College programs she suggested require an audition tape. This week she offered to help me work on a monologue."

"You seem… focused. School, coaching, college, and now martial arts. Bren are you sure you aren't taking too much on, distracting yourself?"

"Brandon, I can't sit around here. I put my life on hold for months waiting for him to tell me what was happening. I don't want to put my life on hold waiting to feel better, I'm not sure if or when I ever will. It's a hole, like a chunk of me is missing. If I get too still I feel it more, he's still the first thought, the first person I think I need to tell things to. I prefer to keep busy than dwell on what's missing."

"Dad decided tonight that he is signing the papers, it'll take a few days but the Trust will be closed. I heard him tell Mum."

"Maybe it's a good thing, Dad and him clashed. Dylan never felt good enough, hell Dad often made him feel not good enough. Maybe this will be a good thing for Dylan."

His calculating eyes see right through me, "you don't really think that."

"I do, it's just if I had to choose the security of Dylan's future with our Dad or Jack…"

"Yeah I get that."

We don't discuss it further. I haven't asked how Dylan is doing and I know for certain my brother hasn't breathed a word about me. I know, he like my football bodyguards is putting a wall between me and him. We chat a little more, I don't ask if he has made any bets, I know he hasn't. Though I also know like me he is throwing himself into things to distract himself. His though is a distraction away from temptation. He's working more, taking more on at the paper, he's back working out again.

Sometimes I'm still surprised how similar we are.