Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Six

I don't sleep. Every time I get close, dose off, the explosion that overwhelming heat, sound, and smell takes over. It's all I see when I close my eyes. I sit for hours in that room, with the other Dylan taunting me. He wants us to run, he wants out, there is nothing here for us anymore, without Jack there is nothing here. Everything I once had I tossed aside to live the high roller life with my father, to Jetset around the world, I could see Kel and I jumping on a plane at a moment's notice- Jackie wouldn't have cared and Kel doesn't care about college. Jack did though.

College, me having options, legitimacy, not using my bank account to buy a degree, he cared about that. He cared about having dinners together, not in restaurants not to be seen. When he got the boat it's the only place he really wanted to eat, sitting down as a family. Maybe the Jetset lifestyle wasn't for him anymore, maybe with me in college he'd have stayed in LA, living on the water. He always loved the water. McKay's have a family history of fishing and boat building, he was the first generation to do something different. He couldn't give up the sea though, he couldn't give up the smell of the water.

When I hear noises downstairs I leave the room. I stand in the foyer looking around; make-out sessions, studying, Christmas celebrations, Thanksgiving, so many dinners. I look to the fireplace I stood in front of it when Bren received the call that the biopsy wasn't cancer; the elation after twenty four hours of fear. I imagined the worst, her getting sick, her getting weaker, me being unable to stop it, having to watch while I lost her when I had just found her, we had had barely anytime by then. I hadn't slept that night either, the relief of that phone call, hearing she would be fine that I'd have her for longer. Forever.

I turn; she isn't here, there will be no phone call telling me it was a lie that Jack wasn't dead. There will be no more forever with either of them. They both left me, both when I needed them the most.

When I get near the kitchen I see Jim is pouring coffee and Cindy is just putting down the phone, they haven't seen me.

"She's okay. Worried for him, she told me not to push breakfast he'll have coffee, but won't eat until a few hours after he wakes. As I'm cooking today and getting the house ready for tomorrow she offered to go and order the flowers, she'll also stop by the printers and finish the order of service, and the memorial cards that I phoned about yesterday. Samantha is letting her borrow one of her cars so she can get it all done today and dropped at the funeral home."

"Did she say she'd come by and see him, or at least come tomorrow? I know it's upsetting, that she is probably embarrassed that he didn't choose her, but the boy has lost his father. I'd like to think we raised her with more morals than for her to abandon him now, especially after fighting so hard for us to let them be together."

"I don't know Jim. Brenda hasn't been open about what she's thinking or feeling since she asked me for help to get you to let him come to Jackie and Mel's wedding. Brandon may be able to talk her into coming, it seems that they are back to normal."

"Well that's at least one positive out of the breakup, finally whatever has been going on with the two of them is fixed." They were struggling? It was news to me, she never told me that, and either did he.

"I know. The distance between them since she got back from Paris, it worried me. Brandon just didn't seem interested in fixing it, it's the first time I worried that they wouldn't be close as adults. I always thought they'd be like Sheila and I, best friend's."

"Well they put on a united front yesterday when she asked to go stay at Steve's, and since Dylan choose I've heard him go in every night and check on her before he goes to bed."

"Well she was always the first and last person he'd talk to each day. It's nice that they can have that closeness before next year. If Brenda goes away to college then it could be their last few months of the tradition." Going away, no she had decided on California she told me that that was her decision. Two weeks it cant have all changed in two weeks.

His hand on my shoulder as he walks past is the only indicator that I've been caught eavesdropping. Breakfast, well coffee for me is quiet. The newspapers, are missing. I imagine what's left of the car would be splattered all over the pages in black and white photos. With a description of the crime scene, the details that his teenage son bore witness to the horrific assassination. Reports of no conclusive leads, hints of Jack's underworld connection. Tomorrow and the days that follow, I'm sure the tragedy will be replaced with Jack and his past actions bringing this on himself. My fathers murderers vindicated for killing just another criminal. He was a lot more than that.

Brandon tries to keep me busy, tries to keep me doing something. We help Jim move furniture for the people attending the wake tomorrow. We tidy the already neat garden. When Cindy is back with groceries, I help her wash and cut the vegetables, tasks familiar to me in this place.

There are calls. Nat rings, I thank him he'll come tomorrow with pie. Andrea and Donna I decline, Brandon makes an excuse. David, I decline him as well, I imagine his sister is sitting next to him scared to phone herself, but even assuming that I can't bring my self to talk. Christine, I take that call; it's long and we discuss the boat that's on loan, I don't want to go back there. She agrees to wrap his personal items and bring them to me. It's a difficult conversation, I can tell at times that she is crying. When I ask if she's okay, she tells me she is. That she has spent the day remembering all the good times, it's given her strength to start making decisions.

Steve calls late in the afternoon, Brandon automatically goes to decline I move to the phone- this one I want to take. As he passes me the phone he can't hide his look of accusation.

"McKay. I'm sorry. I didn't know Jack well just some memories of seeing him around the Beach Club, and occasionally at Rush's business parties. Man, I know you had a difficult relationship at times, but he's your Dad, he's where you are from. I didn't know my birth mother but seeing her grave last Christmas, I felt her loss. I can't imagine what you are feeling."

It was the most honest condolence I got, it was not full of bullshit, it didn't paint Jack as something he wasn't. It was simple; for better for worse he was my Dad and to loss him hurts. Steve had never shown a great talent for saying the right thing at the right time, but I knew who did. He probably asked what he should say, she would have told him be honest anything else is meaningless bullshit- well she wouldn't have phrased it that way.

I thank him, and it's surprisingly genuine. We speak for a few minutes, he tells me him and his mum will be there. Rush can't, he is away overseas on business, but he sends his condolences. He doesn't mention his house guest, and I don't hear any noise in the background that she is there. It's a conversation that leaves me wondering even more what's going on with them, it's the most mature I've ever heard our friend.

Brandon has disappeared upstairs, he's taking out his suit for the morning getting out a tie and shirt. Cindy wants to press them tonight, so we aren't rushing in the morning. As soon as the phone is down I'm rushing upstairs, I need answers. "What's going on with them? Why is she there and not at Donna's?"

He doesn't look up from the collection of ties in his hands, like a tie colour matters for tomorrow. "Donna dates David, she's best friends with Kelly as well; she, she doesn't want to get involved take sides, not that Bren is asking for that. Donna though doesn't know how to talk to Bren, to make sure she is okay without appearing like she is choosing one over the other. It's meant that Donna just ignores it, well from what Steve saw at The Pit on Sunday. She asked Bren about music, her student centre stuff, but that's it. I'm sure it will get better between them eventually." Guilt, another emotion to add. Since Paris, Donna and her were close. I'd seen Bren talk to her friends, them avoiding talking about their lives wasn't usual. The girls not confiding and comforting the other wasn't usual. I knew Kelly and Donna had hung out since, I had seen them at school they were fine. It meant that Donna just wasn't fine with Bren, she was unintentionally choosing through ignoring her.

"I didn't think, I didn't know it would take both of her best friend's away from her. B, I didn't-"

He walks to his closest to put back the ties, he is avoiding looking at me. "Well it's done now. Steve he's been great, same with Samantha. Steve keeps joking that his Mum has finally got the girl she always wanted; they've both been really kind to her."

"How? Why? Steve and her-"

"Dylan it's not your business anymore, whose in her life and why, it's not your place to know."

"Brandon, you know how important-"

"I know how important she once was to you, I know she was your everything. She's not anymore, hasn't been since she got on that shuttle- just… D you just got to understand it's different now, you made it different. I know you are going through so much and I'm not trying to add to it, but just stop. You choose Kelly, you wanted her enough to cheat and lie to Bren for over seven months- it's done, Brenda's no longer your business." He goes to the bed and picks up his suit, when he gets to the bathroom door he stops like he's going to add something. He doesn't, he just walks through and closes the door.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The voice the angry voice that has followed me, tells me to get the hell out of here. That everything I touch turns to shit, that I'm poison. Jack shouldn't have been in that car it was going to be me. Poison. Brenda her whole life here is fucked up because she loved me, I cheat and she loses everyone close to her. Poison.

Dinner is quiet, it's lasagne. I manage to eat a few mouthfuls the rest I just move around the plate. Brandon is quiet as well, he hasn't said anything directly to me since he left the room. Cindy tries to fill the silence, discussing tomorrow. Jim asks if I have decided to say something at the service, I haven't I don't know what to say; even now I still feel like I barely knew the man.