Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Seven

The flowers and the printing were all sorted; by the time I got back to Samantha and Steve's I felt a little better. My guilt for being selfish, for not being there for him, had been abated slightly by my helping with the arrangements, though no where near enough.

It was still oppressive even after finding out that Samantha's assistant had managed to track down Iris in Honolulu, it actually was more oppressive after that. She was supposed to just call the retreats in the phonebook pages, she had been faxed a long list of places to check. She was supposed to find out where she was; she wasn't supposed to tell her, Dylan was supposed to do that. He just needed the number, well according to Brandon that's all he needed. Iris had unfortunately been walking past when she rang, getting out of a music meditation. The phone was passed to her immediately and the assistant panicked. It's not how I wanted her to find out, but it was too late. She was on a flight back, she'd land first thing in the morning. I would collect her, drop her at the service. After finding out in such a way it was the least I could do.

It's eight when she gets out, her plane was delayed held on the tarmac for hours in Hawaii. She rushed to get that flight. She didn't even have enough time to call Dylan. She's distraught when she reaches me, worried we will miss the service, worried that she hasn't yet spoken to her son.

"I'm sorry Iris. The assistant wasn't supposed to tell you, she was calling all the retreats in Honolulu I didn't know which one you were at. She was just to confirm you were there and then pass the number on to Dylan."

"Well it was serendipitous I was passing the phone, I would have never got to the airport in time otherwise. I was across the island from the airport staying in a little jungle area." We had spoken on our way back to the car, and I was now exiting the airport hoping peak hour traffic would be kind to us. "How is he? I know it's a ridiculous question, but you know…"

"Brandon says he is okay, very quiet, eats only a bit of food, he's not sleeping well. He hears him tossing and turning from my room-"

"Darling you haven't seen him, spoken to him?" She is still his mother, we may be close but the accusation the disappoint is there.

"I sent Dad to get him bring him home, he's staying at our house, but I, I couldn't be there. Iris it's too soon, I'm not strong enough… I know I should be there, that it's his father, but… Brandon knows that if he wasn't okay if he really needed me I'd be there in minutes-"

"Darling, you know as well as I do that Dylan won't ask for what he really needs. He's not able, he's too afraid it won't be given. I understand why you can't stay there, but you are going today right?"

She knew I wasn't, I was wearing a flannel and pants; as Brandon said hiding myself from people getting worried I was losing too much weight. "Iris it's a day for Dylan to say goodbye, it's not about me. If I'm there it becomes something it shouldn't."

"Fine. I don't agree with your choice, but I don't agree with my son's either." It's the last she speaks on that, she does shed a tear when I ask how is she doing. He was once her husband. She tells me she is feeling emotions long since buried, his death has stirred a lot up. When we hit a red light she shows me the stone she is carrying, she says it's helping her not get overwhelmed with it all; it makes me almost want to believe in this stuff, I could use a stone like that.

When we get close she searches her bag for her make up, she wears hardly any but with the tears, the media, for Jack she says she doesn't want to look a sight when she walks in. By the time we are pulling up, everyone is inside, hopefully it hasn't started yet. She hugs me quickly and leaps from the car, it's a minute later as I move through the carpark that I see the stone on the seat. Shit!

I contemplate not going to try and catch her but the guilt will eat me all day. Moving back to the front entrance I park, it's not a space but I'll only be a second. I'll pass it to an employee and they can bring it to her. When I'm up the stairs, I realise my error.

He's alone in the entrance way looking completely overwhelmed. He sees me through the glass doors, and I know I can't turn around now. I walk in.

"Your Mum accidentally left her stone in the car, she says it's helping her, I didn't want her not to have it."

"She's just in there." He points to a room on the side where the door is shut. "The service is about to start but Jack, the urn is still in there, she asked for a minute alone with him with it." He holds out his hand, "I can give it to her if you like, or you could, I know she'd find more comfort with you there next to her through the service than holding a useless stone."

I drop the stone in his hand, "no I can't." He nods. "Dylan I'm sorry about Jack. I'm sorry you both didn't get a lot of time for that second chance, I hope even in that short time that you made some good memories to hold onto."

His eyes fill, "yeah we sung on his last night we sung Take Me Back To The Ball Game, he used to sing it to me as a kid, at the end he grabbed me in a bear hug and told me he loved me." He's unable to hold in the tears, I take a step forward and touch his hand.

"That sounds like a perfect memory, if it gets too much in there hold on to it. Remember that he's not left you by choice, this isn't him leaving you again, remember he loved you he wanted to stay." I'm wrapped up in his arms with his face buried in my hair before I realise he's moved, he's shaking, I rub his back. "Dylan it's going to be okay. It doesn't feel like that now but it will be, with time, you'll be okay."

He pulls his head back, "will you keep telling me that?" I bite my lip, he moves back a little but doesn't drop his hands, both of them are still firmly holding me. "No you can't, we aren't talking, I'm just like our things, our pictures from your room. I'm in the trash."

"They aren't, they aren't in the trash. They are just in a box in the garage."

"Out of sight out of mind." His words are laced with bitterness.

"Dylan you have never been out of my mind. Look what you and Kelly did hurt me, really bad, but it's nothing compared to what you are going through. One day years from now, I'll just be some girl you knew in high school, that hurt and I won't matter anymore-"

His grip, the force of his hug is overwhelming. "You'll never be that, not after everything you'll never be that." He looks like he's in no rush to break the hug, but when I can't hold it anymore, when it starts to hurt my heart I pat his back and take a step back.

"Thank you it's nice to hear." I can't look at his face as I'll know I'll break, instead I focus on his shirt. "No tie?"

"I couldn't get it to sit right, it…" he takes it out of the pocket of his suit jacket. "Could you help?" I nod and reach for it, I focus only on the tie. I don't look at him. I try and stop my mind from thinking about the fact I'm touching him.

When it's straight, I take another step back and fold my arms in front on me. "I should go. I'm not parked in a spot and I'm sure everyone is wondering why you aren't in there, they are probably worrying."

"I won't ask you to stay again, I know you won't, that you feel you can't. Thank you for… the flowers, for Iris, for everything."

I nod and quickly turn around.

She moves fast like she can't get away from me fast enough. I wipe my eyes, it was more than I deserve. She was always more than I deserved.

"Dylan we should probably go in. They are moving Jack into the main room now."

I look at my Mum, I'm glad she's here. "Iris here you left it in the car."

She looks down at my hand, at the stone. "No, you keep it. I have one in my pocket that's used to restore emotional balance, that's the one I need." I give her a look, "that one is the stone of Venus, it's an healing stone, if it makes it into your hand it's to help bring back love and joy." She squeezes my hand, "I'm glad Brenda knew who it belonged to, who needed it the most. Did getting it help?"

In front of me was the woman Jack married, it's something he'd do. I've never loved my mother more, appreciated her more. "Yeah, getting it is what I've needed for day's."

"I'm glad."