My father knocked lightly on my door, opening it before I had technically given him permission. It was something I had gotten used to since living with him, trying to acknowledge that he was at least trying, something it felt wrong not to give him at least some credit for.

"How's packing going?" He asked quietly, an almost depressing tension held within his voice.

"I don't have that much in the first place." I shrugged. I had a suitcase full of the small amount of clothing I owned along with some photos I had saved from my sophomore year, pressed gently within the pages of a few books. Although I still had the photograph of my mother that Riku had given me so many months back, I had taken to replacing it with the one my father had hid, my once tiny body nestled into her shoulder as she attempted to make room to hold onto me as Sora took up most of the room, still comfortably growing in her stomach.

"Are you sure you don't want to go out at all before you leave? Maybe grab something to eat? I still feel weird that you wouldn't let us do anything for your birthday."

I paused a moment, letting the past few weeks sink in as I overlooked the world in front of me. Like myself, my friends were getting ready to go back to school. Rei and Max would be heading back home around the same time I would be leaving, our summer as a team over with once again. Everything that had happened with Team Psykick was behind us, the small tournament we had taken a part of was behind us.

It was back to our normal lives now.

"I'm not going to have as much free time once school starts." I reminded him. "If I want to start looking into scholarships I need to start cracking down on my grades, especially with my English not being completely fluent."

"England is a long way away. It's not too late to change your mind."

The decision hadn't been a difficult one for me to make. For the time being I needed to take myself out of Japan and leave behind the things that had happened here, even if it was only for one school year. I hadn't made an official decision on what I would do my senior year.

"I've been on my own for longer." I reminded him. For once, the things I said weren't intended to come off cocky or hurtful. As time slowly healed those around me, I found myself also beginning to make peace. "Besides," I continued. "I'm sixteen, it's about time I started figuring this stuff out, don't you think?"

My father rested himself against the frame of the door, arms crossed as a small smile tried to hide itself on his face as he watched me.

"You really have grown up." He said.

"Doesn't mean I won't still need you from time to time, I can't get into my trust fund for two more years."

"You aren't alone on that note. Riku won't be old enough to watch the baby once it's born, if you're looking for a summer job you're going to have two brothers who could use someone to keep an eye on them."

"Riku is old enough to take care of himself with a little bit of help, don't underestimate him. He's the good child in the family so far." I paused. "How do you think she would feel about being surrounded by so many boys?" I asked.

"Who?"

"Sora. Mom too, I guess."

"Your mother would just be happy that you were all healthy." He said, cupping a hand to my cheek. I pulled away from him gently, looking for a polite way to acknowledge that being touched still wasn't my favorite thing in the world. "You're coming home for all the holiday breaks, though. That's not up for discussion."

"So long as you're the one buying my plane tickets."

Ruffling me hair slightly, he smiled before exiting my room once more, leaving the door open a crack in a slightly passive aggressive attempt to get me to come out more often, something I couldn't really tell if I had been getting better at or not. He had put a halt to his attempts at getting me to discuss the possibility of trying to work with a therapist again, using everything that happened this year as his reasons, but I had shut that discussion down. It wasn't for me, I couldn't let a stranger in the way that some people could. I was trying to be open minded about the possibility of allowing myself to be medicated, though, particularly now that I had a few official mental health diagnosis. There was a lot of talk in regards to how an antidepressant or anti anxiety pill could help the way my brain is wired to handle trauma, calming my current destructive reflex.

Looking sadly at my small pile of things, I closed my suitcase, telling myself I could finish later. Tyson had invited all of us to hang out one more time before saying our goodbyes and for once I had accepted his attempt to include me. He had really been there for me this summer, I owed it to him to at least be a part of something as a team.

Taking a look at myself in the mirror, I tucked a small portion of hair behind my ear, the piercing that I had talked Wyatt into giving me with a sewing needle the first few months of school still bearing a black stud. My step mother had offered to take me to get a haircut when she noticed how often I brushed my bangs out of my face, but now didn't seem like the right time. I was growing accustomed to my longer hair, experimenting with how close I was to being able to wear a ponytail.

There seemed to now be an acceptance within the household in regards to the person I had grown to be that I couldn't pretend I didn't appreciate. I experimented with make up on occasion, I liked jewelry, sometimes I painted my nails. Now as I looked at my reflection I was able to truly take a moment to see who I had become, black tank top tied into a crop top and exposing the navel piercing I had become growing quite fond of even though I knew I likely wouldn't keep it for too long. My father absolutely hated it and had threatened to ground me for getting something done that I had clearly had to use a fake ID for, but he seemed to be backing off after everything that had happened the past month. It wasn't worth getting upset about, there were bigger issues to worry about.

I touched a hand to the mirror, the only place that I had bothered to hang anything and let my eyes drift to the single lonely photograph. I think it was the only picture I still had that I was smiling in, Wyatt's arms draped over my shoulders, digital camera angled just so as he touched his lips to my temple. I remembered him dropping the camera afterward and squeezing his arms around my chest in an embrace I associated with what I could only describe as safety, desperately attempting to tickle me as I had squirmed away, pretending that I was annoyed instead of head over heels in love with him.

As I stared contently at the photo, I allowed a small sigh to escape me, the sadness that I was now accustomed to beginning to fill my body once again as I worried about someday forgetting his face. I had accepted that I hadn't been able to say good bye, but that didn't stop it from hurting.

It didn't stop me from missing him.

My first week of school felt so long ago, yet at the same time felt like just yesterday. I wasn't the same person who I was when I started and there was a part of me that feared going back to who I was before, of closing back up the way I couldn't deny I had been, of allowing the loneliness to hold me hostage once again. The relationships that I had with my friends now just weren't the same, with Tyson being the only one I truly occasionally found myself confiding in. He cared about me, but he cared about all of us, and sometimes I wondered if that wasn't enough for me.

I brushed my hair back with my fingers, unsure what to do in regards to any form of styling. I didn't have any gel in right now and lacked control of where anything landed, most of my bangs falling back into my face until I brushed them to the side, wondering if hiding behind them would mask the way I felt right now.

Accepting defeat, I added a set of black athletic gloves to my ensemble before going out into the living room. Riku sat on the couch playing a handheld video game, accompanied by a school friend who I couldn't remember the name of. Looking up momentarily from his electronic world, he smiled at me without speaking, something that I returned back to him. When would by first long break from school be? Would he be seven the next time I saw him once I left?

Deciding not to interrupt his fun, I moved forward, walking through the kitchen in order to grab my boots which rested at the front door. Hana washed dishes in the sink by herself, causing me to pause for a moment, watching her appearing to be deep in thought. She hardly looked pregnant yet, only a small cushion of swollen skin visible through her shirt.

"Do you want any help?" I asked shyly, bringing my face down ever so slightly.

She stopped and looked at me, taking a moment to think of what to say before a small smirk formed on her lips.

"That would actually be great, Kai." She said. "Thank you."

Walking to where she stood, I took a tea towel that hung on the latch of the oven, working on drying the small pile of dishes she had set aside. For a few minutes we worked silently, only the clanging of porcelain filling the void. It wasn't until she handed me a final pair of chopsticks that I chose to speak, fearing that if I didn't now, I wouldn't brave another chance.

"I apologize for what I put your family through this year..." I said, looking only at my fidgeting hands as I spoke and dried at the same time. "I'm- I mean… You all changed your lives in order to accommodate me, I should have been more grateful for that."

Although she didn't speak right away, it felt like a small amount of tension suddenly cleared, the thing I had dreaded saying finally out in the open.

"Your father speaks so fondly of your mother." She eventually said, a calmness in her voice that seemed to neither hold sadness or happiness, yet at the same time sounded a mix of both. "I can imagine what a lovely woman she was. I'm sorry that you lost her."

Draining the soapy water from the sink, she turned to face me, leaning slightly on the counter.

"I never took the time to ask questions in regards to the life you and Susumu had before Riku and I became a part of it. The idea of expanding our family was rather exciting to me but I never truly took the time to process what suddenly taking on a teenager who has experienced trauma would mean for us."

I hid my face slightly, aware of how much trouble I had caused everyone within the past year.

"You just wanted to keep your son safe." I said. "My mom probably would have done the same thing."

"You were never the reason that I left with Riku."

She leaned an elbow on the marble top of the counter, reaching out for the tea towel I still held and drying her hands when I gave it to her. I wanted to respond to what she said, but seemed unable to come up with any words. What did she mean I wasn't the reason that she left? It made no sense for it to be anything else.

"I love your father." She continued, "But I'm not sure I can be both the mother of two of his children and not acknowledge the man he used to be." She looked at me sadly before letting her eyes wander, gazing through the window above the sink. "It was selfish for me not to speak to you about my feelings. In leaving, all I did was gift you more abandonment. I have no rights to you, though… and there was a point when you came into our lives where I was no longer sure I wanted Susumu around our son. What you said about me wanting to keep my son safe is true, but you were never my fear, Kai. You're only a child, it's not your fault so many people failed you."

I still wasn't sure I completely understood. She knew my fathers history in regards to the world he grew up in, possibly knowing more than even I did, since I'm sure he didn't tell me everything. Besides, my father had never been one to harm me physically, even lashing out at my grandfather in regards to my injuries. He mentioned that he had spoken to his father before about not wanting him hitting me.

"My dad didn't ever hurt me." I explained. "I mean, I think I got popped in the mouth once or twice when I got too out of line, but I can't say I didn't deserve it."

"Leaving you with your grandfather in a place he did not believe you to be safe was not okay." She wrinkled her brow now as she spoke, looking as though she smelled something unpleasant. "Your father made a choice to bring a child into this world; that choice should not ever be taken lightly. If he chooses to run away from his problems, he does not get to decide that you fit into that category. I have my own children to protect-" She touched a hand to her stomach, "They are not returnable and they are not replaceable; neither are you."

"Riku shouldn't have had to go through anything that happened because of me." I said, although my head was still down, it was now from embarrassment more than shame. "I don't want him to become scarred the same way that I was, I shouldn't have put him through things that were my problem."

"You are correct that I feared for Riku's mental health since the night we found you in the bathroom..."

I blushed, out of everything that happened this year, swallowing that bottle of pills was the main incident I didn't want to talk about. Pretending it never happened made it easier to pretend it was an accident, something I had accepted with time that it hadn't been.

"That was when I truly began thinking about the people I want in my sons life… it's true that it had been traumatic for him to witness, I can't pretend that it wasn't, but that's not truly the point. That night was the first time I realized I loved a man who had allowed his child to be hurt badly enough to believe that death was a solution… My husband had traumatized a child to the brink of attempting suicide…his child."

"I wasn't trying to-"

"You don't have to pretend. You're okay and you're slowly healing, that's what matters." Shame continued to fill me as she spoke."Your father did not know how to stand up to your grandfather, but he also unknowingly followed his outdated beliefs about the person you should be. It took some thinking on my part to realize how hypocritical it was for me to leave, even if you were not who I ran from. I've watched your father try, though, I've listened to the stories he's told me and the mistakes he must bear for the rest of his life. He is not without remorse, he's grown as a person and I do believe that he loves you."

I nodded slightly, unsure what to say. Hana had always been kind to me, if maybe a bit quiet. Up until the day she left, I hadn't ever been made to feel like she didn't want me around.

"I'm still not sure how I feel about living here." I said, "It's awkward, mostly… I like being a big brother, though, Riku is a good kid."

"So are you, Kai." She smiled. "I can't pretend you've never made bad choices or that I'm proud of everything you've done. I would like for you to quit smoking, your father as well… but for everything you've been through I would say you've grown into a young man with good morals."

Touching a hand to my cheek, she brushed a section of hair behind my ear before wrapping her arms around my shoulders, resting her chin on top of my head and then releasing me.

For what may have been the first time since I began living here I had not shut myself out from the world, and in doing so my fears had not been confirmed but had instead been denied. It was true that I had kept myself distant and not attempted to form a relationship with my step mother, but it had not caused her to hate me. She had never hated me, I had just never taken the time to figure that out. I had, this time, not turned the conversation to be about my own self hatred. I had not sabotaged it the way I normally did. Instead, I had finally allowed a small window to open within the wall I hid behind and I had listened. No making it about myself, no allowing my paranoia to shut everything down, but simply listened.

Maybe my dad was right in what he had told me.

Maybe I was growing up.

Xxx

I decided last minute to throw a red hoodie on before going out, leaving it unzipped so that my navel was still visible. My dad already knew about it so there wasn't a point in trying to keep it a secret anymore. Brushing my hair back and out of my eyes one more time, I slipped my boots on and left the house, simply saying that I would be home later and agreeing to send my dad a text message if I wouldn't be back for dinner.

Closing the door behind me, I sighed slightly, walking down the driveway and onto the sidewalk. Until now, it had remained to be seen whether or not I would see Wyatt again before he went home, leaving the life we had built together behind and becoming no more than a memory he would slowly forget some day. I still didn't know where or how he was, only remaining on hope that he was alive. Now I was the one who was leaving, about to start over from scratch once again with only the lessons I had learned this year there to accompany me. It wasn't fair… it had been my idea to leave Japan, yes, but it wasn't fair that I would be losing the ability to hang onto the hope of saying goodbye. We had no closure; we had no happy ending.

I pocketed my hands, keeping my head down as I continued to walk. I didn't want to look at the shops and cafes that I had no fond memories of, my introverted tendencies causing my memories of school to be bland and forgettable. Although Wyatt had been my only friend, I had grown to care for the rest of his group in a way that was similar to my first year with my team. The fact that we lacked a close relationship didn't mean that I wouldn't miss being around them or that I hadn't become accustomed to their company.

Allowing myself to become lost in thought, I continued the remaining few kilometers before making it to the entrance of the dojo, wondering if, based on the lack of conversation finding its way over to me, I had been the first to arrive. It wasn't until I walked into the backyard that I took notice of the others, oddly silent as I moved toward them. They spoke among one another quietly, Max leaning up against a pillar as Charlotte sat in his lap, head leaned sideways into his chest in a peaceful slumber. She was starting to lose the baby fat that took up her cheeks, slowly beginning to take on the appearance of a toddler. She had to be nearing a year old now.

On the grass stood a small assortment of tables, set up with a few different snack foods along with two or three actual entrés, meaning now would probably be a good time to text my dad and tell them to eat without me.

Tyson stood up from the edge of the deck that he sat on, crossing his arms to his chest and smirking.

"You know, you got really lucky that the baby fell asleep." He said. "I was dead set on yelling out 'surprise' but now it feels like it would be rude."

I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay?" Was all I could think to say in response, the meaning of his words lost to me.

"I know we're a little late, so I guess I have to say happy belated birthday, but I think the thought it still there." His smirk had formed into a large grin as he giggled slightly to himself. "I was also afraid that if you knew we were celebrating your birthday that you wouldn't come."

I blushed slightly at the sudden attention on me, trying hard not to reveal the slightest hint of a smile forcing itself onto my face. I didn't typically celebrate my birthday, at least not since my father left, and even then all we normally did was go out to eat. There were a few pictures of my mother throwing me a more mainstream birthday party but it wasn't anything I had any memory of. I didn't even know who the other kids in the pictures were anymore, a sad reminder that I had once had a family and a small assortment of playmates.

"I take it you're not giving me a choice in the matter, right?" I said, hoping to sound playful and not rude.

"You haven't had the best summer." Tyson shrugged, glancing at me and then back at our small group. It still sometimes felt strange to call them my friends, a concept that had once been foreign to me. "I figured one good day wouldn't harm your image too badly."

Nodding slightly, I made a genuine effort to allow my walls to come down, even if it was just for a few hours. Had any of them asked me permission I would never have allowed them to do something like this for me, knowing I had never really been deserving of their kindness or generosity, and even now I couldn't pretend I felt completely comfortable with the idea, but they had gone out of their way and I might as well not be a dick about it.

"One condition." I stated, resting a hand on my hip. "You are absolutely not allowed to sing to me."

A few of my friends giggled, Tyson giving me a quick side hug that I hoped he wasn't offended I didn't return as everyone began getting to their feet, smiles and conversations starting as though all was right in the world. I didn't want to be the one to remind them that it wasn't, I didn't want to spoil the day even though inside I still hurt.

I wished that Wyatt was here…

Making the most of it, I forced myself to pick at a plate of food, hoping it might wake my stomach up enough to remind me that I was probably hungry. Hillary had made a comment about my exposed stomach, playfully admitting jealousy toward how thin I was and causing me to zip my hoodie up. It was true that I had a distinctive look that one likely wouldn't describe as masculine, but I was still a guy. I wasn't supposed to be as overall small as I was, my height being the only positive factor about my physique even though I only had maybe ten centimeters on the rest of my team.

Next year would be the world tournament for the junior division, meaning that getting in shape would no longer be something I could keep on the back burner. It was essential that I begin gaining muscle and upping my protein intake.

As I listened to my friends talk and laugh, I thought back to the sad attempts at parties my classmates and I used to have in my dorm, fondly remembering the cheap alcohol and childish games we played. Although I would remain in a dorm room, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same during my junior year. Wyatt had forced himself into my life in a way I would be eternally grateful for, a once in a lifetime experience I hadn't appreciated enough when it happened. The good old days were now behind me and I hadn't even realized what they were until they were gone.

My friends sat with me at the table, Charlotte now awake and waddling about like a little blonde duckling, chasing around one of the stray cats that hung out in Tyson's backyard with an oniguri smashed in a clutched fist.

"When do you leave, by the way?" Tyson asked somewhat sadly. Just like Max and Rei, he knew that I would be back next summer. No matter where I went to school, Japan had long ago become my home.

"This weekend." I said, focusing on the plate of rice I pushed around with my chopsticks. "I'm just about done packing. I'll be back during the winter break though, my step mom will be close to six months pregnant by then and I'm not sure how everything is going to affect my little brother."

"I still can't believe your step mom is having a baby… isn't your dad a little old?"

"My father was twenty two when I was born, so not really."

"You gotta admit that a sixteen year age gap is probably gonna feel weird."

"This time last year I thought I was an only child, it's gonna be hard to top that in the weirdness factor."

Max had quickly gotten up, spilling a can of soda and hitting a shin on the picnic table before running to grab Charlotte before she fell into the koi pond, yelling in English that he spoke too quickly for me to understand outside of a cuss word. He brought her back over and attempted to keep her in his lap as she cried and reached back toward the pond, clearly displeased with not being allowed to go swimming despite the fact that she couldn't swim.

"If I can offer any advice," He said anxiously, "Let the parents take a nap once in awhile..."

He stuck a soother in her mouth, causing her to calm down a bit and nuzzle her head into his shoulder, fists clutching his shirt as though daring him to try and put her down. Hillary tickled her neck gently as she tried to babble with a full mouth of rubber.

I felt like I was too young to know if I wanted children or not, even though Wyatt seemed to have decided a long time ago that he hoped to be a father someday. He had never specified if he pictured me taking part in that life with him. Did he want to adopt? Did he want a surrogate? If he did, did he want himself to be biologically related if he had a husband by then or did he not mind either way?

It was probably the main thing I didn't understand quite yet. I had never known anyone with two dads and didn't quite know how it worked. Other than Henri and Emile I had never even taken notice to other same sex couples. I'm sure I had passed my fair share of them on the street, but had never connected the dots.

I let my mind wander, resting my chin on my hand as those around me spoke. I wondered if he wanted to be a stay at home parent or not, imagining myself coming home from work someday, Wyatt greeting me at the door with a kiss on the cheek and a toddler hanging from his hip who held its arms out to me. We made dinner together as the baby played with pots and pans on the floor, eating in front of the television in the living room where it fell asleep in between us. Maybe we would all fall asleep together, one of Wyatt's arms wrapped around my waist as he pulled me close to his chest and the other arm cradling our son or daughter.

I closed my eyes, the life that I now imagined causing my heart to flutter before breaking as reality hit me once again, reminding me that I had ruined my chance. The man who he greeted home after a long day of work and fell asleep with as a family of three would not be me.

It would be someone; it would be the life Wyatt deserved, but I would not be in it.

A hand touched my shoulder, shaking me out of my fantasy world and back into the reality I dreaded existing in. Tyson was staring at me, suddenly looking like he didn't know what to say, I turned my head to look at everyone, their eyes drawn to the arch of Tyson's families dojo, mouths open ever so slightly as though they had seen a ghost.

"Huh?" I let out, brain not knowing what else to say as confusion set in. Tyson seemed to realize I wasn't understanding what was happening, giving my shoulder a small squeeze before turning the way the rest of them had, my eyes following his gaze.

My stomach dropped as the arch came into focus, my mind refusing to register what I saw in front of me as the silhouette I stared at came into view, arm in a sling but otherwise appearing well. His eyes were no longer glazed over, even though a smile was nowhere to be found on his face which held only shame.

Like a ghost taking form, his presence cut the tension in the air like a knife.

Standing in front of me, injured but alive, was Wyatt.