Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Life got in the way. I pray the show producers give us a conversation somewhat like this. EO can't move forward together until a conversation happens.

After lunch, and some simple conversations, Olivia and Elliot settled down on the couch, hot tea in hand. Elliot was intently watching Olivia, while she avoided direct eye contact with him.

"Well…now that I know your dating history…" Elliot smirked. "...what should we move on to next?" Olivia slowly turned her head to Elliot, and a chill came over him. Her eyes were cold, and he instantly regretted his comment.

"Elliot. Did you know? Did you know what happened to me?" Elliot searched Olivia's eyes, begging for more information. "Liv…I'm not sure what you are asking me. What happened? When?"

"Summer…2013. About three years after you left." Elliot's mind frantically raced back in time trying to remember where he was. "I had just started a private security gig that summer. I was working protective detail…undercover for several months, well into the fall. That's the job I did for years before coming back to NYPD."

"So no one told you?" Elliot stood up and began pacing. He was starting to freak out a little bit at Olivia's ambiguity. "Liv! What are you talking about? What should I have known?" Olivia brushed her hand down her face. "Elliot, come sit down. I'm finding it hard to believe you didn't know." He made his way back to sit next to Olivia. He turned his gaze to Olivia, and he could immediately see the heaviness in her eyes. He was shaking slightly, trying to brace himself for what was about to come his way.

Before continuing, Olivia had to know one thing. "Elliot…why did you leave?" He looked at her confused at the sudden shift in the conversation. "Before I continue, I have to know why."

Elliot closed his eyes, clenching and unclenching his fists in his lap, he inhaled a deep, ragged breath. He had been dreading this question, but in the depths of his soul, he knew Olivia deserved a straight answer. "I left because of you, but now I realize that sounds ridiculous." He took another deep breath. "I was going down after shooting Jenna. IAB was coming after me, and I didn't want to take you down with me." Olivia sat stoic. "As I processed what had happened, it became clear to me that the only thing I really cared about in that situation was how close it was that you could have died. Liv…I killed a broken teenage girl, and all I could think about was how close I came to losing you. I needed you more than you ever knew." Tears began to swell in Olivia's eyes. She blinked to try to hold them back.

"Liv…I can't even tell you the guilt that was wreaking havoc in me. Don't get me wrong, killing Jenna destroyed me, but I came to realize just how important you were to me. The guilt consumed me. You were my priority, not Jenna. And not Kathy. I was in love with you…and that hit me like a Mack truck. It was overwhelming to realize all of that. I knew that if I stayed, it would destroy my marriage." Tears began to slowly stream down Olivia's face. "Sadly, I wasn't so concerned about my marriage. I was concerned that guilt that was pulling me down would eventually take me away from Eli, and possibly all my kids. Kathy gave me an ultimatum. Stay, get divorced, and fight her for custody. Liv…she was going to weaponize my NYPD jacket against me. Or leave, and stay completely in Eli's life as he grew up." Elliot reached over to take Olivia's hand, but she pushed his hand away.

"Liv…I was out of mind with guilt. I was drinking…another thing Kathy threatened to use against me. About 5 months after the shooting, I woke up in a crappy motel room, hungover and completely lost. All I was thinking about were you and Eli. Thinking about how you two were the only ones who mattered to me, but I couldn't have both of you." Olivia's heart began to crack as she began to see his struggle. "Lord help me Liv, I chose my son over you. I couldn't lose my kids, even if it meant I had to continue in a comfortable marriage. But not a marriage I was truly invested in. We moved overseas within the year, and found work in private security and investigations. Liv…I threw myself into that work, which actually kept me away from Kathy and Eli often. But I had the luxury of building my relationship with Eli." Elliot let the tears he had been holding back begin to fall. Years of guilt, sadness, and regret began to stream forth. "You never needed me to become who and what you are. I would have held you back. I left because I loved you, and I believed in you."

With tears streaming down her face, Olivia turned her gaze to Elliot, and reached out and took out his hand. "During our time in Rome, in the years that followed, life became comfortable. I was in Eli's life, even though I was often gone. Kathy and I were happy, I guess. But more as friends than lovers. We had fallen out of love with each other, but neither of us wanted to admit it out loud. Liv…Kathy always knew. She always knew where my heart was. As Eli got older, we both could see the end coming, and she knew I would eventually return to New York, and to you. Starting my work with the NYPD in Rome was the first step in leaving that life and trying to find my way back to you." Elliot tightened his grip on Olivia's hand, as if he was floating at sea, and her hand was his only lifeline.

They sat with their eyes locked…reconnecting their souls. Olivia began to feel Elliot's struggle, and began to understand the hell he was living in, in his heart and mind. As he studied her face more intently, Elliot could see a darkness and sadness in Olivia's eyes. He was terrified to learn more.

A memory came flooding back to Olivia's mind. A memory when she convinced Bernie to visit Kathleen at Rikers many years ago:

Kathleen: "Dad hates me."
Bernie: "No…he doesn't hate you. Believe me. If he hated you, he'd have just walked right out of your life."

Bernie's words seared into Olivia's brain the moment Cragen let her know Elliot had put his papers in, and she realized he was just gone. No longer in her life. If he hated you, he'd have just walked right out of your life.

"Elliot…I dreamt about you almost every night for the first few years after you left. It was the only thing that brought me comfort. I didn't want to believe you hated me." Elliot's entire face clenched. How could she think I hated her? "Dreaming about you is how I kept you close." Olivia snickered…"I think it became obvious to everyone."

Olivia broke eye contact with Elliot, and looked down at the tea mug in her hand. "After Lewis…you were no longer part of my dreams. You became part of my nightmares." Elliot searched Olivia's face, trying to understand. Lewis?

Inhaling a deep breath, she closed her eyes and started recalling the memory. "Late summer, 2013, Amanda encountered a perp in Central Park. Because of some accusations of inappropriate behavior by a few women in the park, Rollins brought him in, and called us all in on a Sunday to help. That's how it all started."