Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Fourteen

Two weeks.

Seventeen Days.

Thirty pages.

Two fights with Iris. Too many to even count with Kelly.

Zero sex. I'd yet to find the desire.

The best thing I can say about my new reality is at least I have found relief in writing. The writing was good. The writing was escapism. The writing could move me back in time to those memories.

I started writing so I could write about Jack, and I did most of the time. Sometimes I wrote about waves I'd surfed, other times about drunk nights on the Hollywood strip, occasionally I wrote about that summer- trying to figure out what happened or maybe to try and convince myself it was easy, easier than this. I never wrote about her though, I couldn't I wasn't able.

Out of sight out of mind worked that summer, well I pretend it worked I was hoping it would work again. I was doing everything to force her out, everyone was helping with that.

If I had been blocked before from seeing her and only got tidbits of information when people felt sorry for me, I had now reached a new level of isolation. She wasn't off limits it was like she didn't exist. My mother refused to discuss her, even though I know they met for coffee, walks, chats, for all I know meditation; they meet a couple of times a week. Andrea no longer provided me with clarity on her new role. Steve was back practically ignoring me though he occasionally grunted in confirmation when needed, and always always had a smug smirk when he could tell Kelly and I were fighting; that was most days now. She felt I was moody - I called it grieving, and she had taken her obsession with looks to a whole new level. Diet pills were this weeks obsession, after the crazy calorie counting didn't reap rewards- I'm still not sure what reward she was hoping for.

Brandon, Brandon could compartmentalise better than anyone else I knew. He issued a warning that I wasn't to go near her or speak to her, no exceptions, no emergency. I was out of any loop when it came to her, I was banned even from saying her name. After the tension of that passed, he was back being my best friend my brother. He even helped convince Gil that I should get a spot in his full AP English class. When he was around me it was like everyone knew they weren't to mention his twin to him in case I heard even a speck of information. He had maintained a relationship with me by pretending his other half didn't exist, well she wasn't allowed to exist around me – according to him anyway.

Our friends were not the only ones keeping me isolated. The football team, the basketball team, every bloody jock in the school seemed to watch me as I went around the halls; prepared to physically remove me from her path if needs be. It wasn't just me who was on the outs with the Athletic one's, Kelly's friendship with Kyle was strained. She had heard from David and Donna about the bruising, she wanted to confirm it was really that bad. Kyle thought the confirmation was strange, that if she was genuinely worried about her ex- friend she'd reach out to her or at the least ask Brandon. I didn't say anything. Iris had had to practically restrain me when she told me about the bruising, and every day since the absence of her in my life - well it's not something I was fully able to process.

Kyle, like Tony and Josh from what I could tell had spent time checking in on Bren, and now they had fallen under her spell. She was magic.

Kyle I knew wasn't a risk. Tony had no chance, he was a nice guy but Bren liked intellectual conversation – it wasn't his strong suit. Josh though, Josh had me on edge. He I hopped was not aware of how truly magical she was. He made my teeth clench whenever I saw him, whenever he now casually came up and said hi to Brandon, Steve or Andrea, whenever he shared a joke with any of them. It was even worse when I realised, by coincidence when Brandon was doing the early morning opening shift and Steve was eating breakfast before school at The Pit, that he was now picking her up.

He must have been coming back from a sunrise surf as he was in his board shorts. He had stopped in there to grab breakfast. I had been writing the night before until late and couldn't find sleep, I escaped early because I couldn't sit through a chatty breakfast with my mother. I was in the booth reading the paper when he came in to grab some takeaway coffees and a breakfast sandwich to go. Nat had handed it to him and had mentioned that he threw in a piece of honey pie for his Laverne. Steve who had been removed from all team sports as punishment for his break in had wished him luck keeping that down once coach started his Friday morning drills. It had all happened so casually, Brandon and Steve who swore to me that they had her had suddenly passed off her protection to a guy they barely knew.

That was one of those day's I blew off school, instead I went to play pool. I didn't drink, I was tempted but it had been one of the last caring things she had said to me that my sobriety mattered. I knew I couldn't drink, I knew that if I did people would see it as manipulative – she would never ignore my drinking. I was trying to curb my unconscious manipulation that I had unknowingly allowed to become my standard practice.

I was trying, I was trying in so many ways to figure out my shit. Iris had been right I blew up my life for a reason and until I grasped what that was all about, I didn't deserve to ask for forgiveness from her. I couldn't expect to be allowed even a small space in her world. I was stuck in the world I had created wondering why I wanted it, what about it had seemed easier. It was now a daily question.

Donna having tried all avenues had asked Nat if Kelly's party could be held at The Pit. He had agreed, I think in hopes of reuniting us all. His hope wouldn't be achieved. Steve and Brandon were off filming a game show thing, Andrea was only coming because Donna was practically distraught that the jocks had said no, that most of our gang had said no. Hell I was only going because I had to bring Kelly to the surprise, a surprise I immediately knew she knew about when I saw the dress she was wearing when I picked her up. When she had got in the car, I had smiled at her, and told her she looked beautiful and then passed her my gift.

I thought it was a good gift, I thought she'd have liked it but when her smile dropped on opening the box I was reminded of my daydream months before. "It's a white gold anklet with your name inscribed on the plaque. The jeweller said that anklets were really in." I scratched the back of my neck unsure what the hell I had done wrong.

"Thanks it's pretty, I can't wait to stick my foot out and show everyone what my boyfriend got me." The sarcasm was laid thick, it made me bite as usual. A pattern that had become our normal communication method.

"I didn't realise I was buying a gift for what everyone else thought, I thought this was a gift for you."

"You see me and think anklet? No flowers, no great love story theatre tickets, no violin concerts, no perfume, no half a heart necklace, no you see me and think ankle like you're chained to me now." The fact she was listing some of the gifts I bought Bren over the year's was not lost. Did she think that we would have the same relationship? That I'd buy another piece of the heart that I still had in my wallet so she could replace Bren? We had been dating for seven weeks, seven of the worst weeks of my life – which wasn't her fault, but she hadn't made it easier either. Her constantly reminding me of the girl I was doing everything to keep out of my head (in fear I would do more damage to our connection) was definitely not making my life easier.

"No, I thought it was a special birthday and you'd like something you could keep, when the jeweller suggested it I asked David if you had one and he said no. David said you liked white gold, so I thought you'd like this to add to your collection of jewellery."

"To my collection, like it's just another piece I bought myself. The same as all the other's… you don't get it do you, how that makes me feel?"

"Honestly, I don't get a lot of what annoys you these day's." I can see she reeving up to fight, it's something I've grown a custom to seeing. "Look Kel, I'm sorry the gift isn't what you were hoping for, I thought you'd like it my mistake, but let's not let it spoil the night. We should leave as-"

"We have to get to my surprise party. Another thing I don't want." I bite my tongue. Donna had gone to a lot of trouble to organise this and even this wasn't good enough. I was starting to think Kelly was perpetually unable to be happy, that she was always going to find fault.

The party was full of people I had no idea who they were. From what I could tell Kelly's party had become an open invite to everyone in the junior and senior class, people who I had never seen even talk to her. I stuck by Andrea and discussed my article on Jack for the blaze and our new AP English Assignment, that annoyed Kelly more than I could understand. She complained I wasn't dancing that I wasn't getting involved in the party. I didn't even bother to raise the fact that even without Jack I wasn't a party guy, I didn't raise that fact we had discussed it in a table in this very room back when I didn't attend the Pig Skin Prom. Before she stormed off she quipped that she obviously needed to be dressed as Bonnie to get me to enjoy a party or be half naked in a pool.

It was the last time I saw her before Donna said it was time for cake. Unable to see her in the crowd, Andrea volunteered to go check the bathrooms. Fifteen minutes later she was being loaded into the back of an ambulance with David by her side, I had spent ten minutes doing comprehensions. Andrea drove with Donna as the blonde was pretty shook up. I drove alone. Jackie arrived soon after us with Nat having called her. It took an hour before they let us see her and when they did I didn't know what to think.

She had been starving herself and abusing diet pills and I hadn't even noticed, well that's wrong I had noticed but passed it off as her vanity. I didn't worry at all. When she had been bitchy all the time I didn't even consider that that was unusually so. I'm not sure what that says about how I really see her if I think her obsession with image and bitchiness is what I expect. It's the thought that plays on my mind when I drive home late that night; I think she had wanted me to stay but I didn't want to worry Iris with not coming home or phoning her in the middle of the night. She was worried enough for me with everything else going on in my life.

It's two am when I get home and rather than sleep I try and write down my thoughts, maybe seeing them could help me understand them. I'm two paragraphs in when I realise it's the second time I had referenced the daydream. It was prior to Jack, prior to the pool, it was prior to choosing, it was when I was lying to everyone and I was struggling to figure out the path. It was a daydream I didn't put much stock in at the time, both had freaked me out but I didn't consider what my subconscious was telling me.

Married with so many kids, clearly Bren and I had never learnt restraint, and there we were planning for more. She hadn't achieved her goal of acting, she was happy but she was now spending her day's using that amazing brain to decide on which wallpaper. I was working a job that left me uninspired, that assumption was based on me carrying a briefcase and having aged so much. Our world had become us, we had never sought out our dreams besides each other. We had consumed each other and in doing that had done what I feared when we discussed college, I had held her back. At the time I never considered why in that dream I didn't bring in the money, why our net worth wouldn't have played a part. Now though I wondered if it was because I knew I would never have Jim's respect if I had lived off the investments, if maybe I'd push Bren and I to live a life he understood in my need to get legitimacy in his eyes.

I went on to imagine that scene without Jim's judgment. Me arriving home with our twins, not to Casa Walsh but to a house on the beach. Coming in the back door in our towels having just taken them for a surf. Bren with her pregnant belly sitting at the kitchen bench running line's with our fourteen month old who was in his high chair thinking his mother's funny voices were hilarious. Books surrounded the room, I could see one of the hardcover jackets held my name. Before I know it I had written the dream in detail, her smile, her looking over her shoulder from the kitchen bench to ask me when I get a chance to choose between the wallpaper samples that her assistant dropped off on the hall table. Her listening as our kids excitedly tell her who stood up the longest on their board. Her biting her lip to stop the laugh when I held up the real time of both behind their head. Me kissing her before picking up our son to take him for his bath.

It was a good fantasy a great fantasy. It was everything my first daydream was; love, kids, so many kids, but I allowed this one to not be tainted by Jim's expectations. Bren never had those expectations on me and I had never once held her back, even if Jim felt I would when he told me he was going to offer her a summer in Paris.

Jim. It had always come back to him with us. From the start. He had been the cloud that hung over us, we were either striving to please him or dealing with his disappointment. Actually, maybe it was more accurate to say I was. Bren had no issue going head to head with her father, from the start she'd call him out of his unfair treatment of me. It was me I was the one that gave him too much power, I was the one who wanted his acceptance. Even now she knew I strived for it, and so she had kept my sins hidden from him. Why did I give him so much power?

My dream with Kelly was more easily unpacked, mainly because I couldn't flip the scenario I couldn't add in the money or take it away, it didn't change anything. The money didn't matter, the central theme of it was it was a life pandering to her desires, a life where image mattered, a life where she could be sweet and in an instant mean, it was a life I appeared stressed in. A life she would over-read into everything, looking for a place to find fault, and worse of all it was a life where Bren would always be thrown in my face. That she was always going to be jealous of her, and subconsciously if the stone was accurate I would always be thinking about her.

By three- thirty in the morning, I had finally realised that the Kelly I subconsciously saw in January in my daydream embodied the Kelly I dated. It was why I didn't bat an eyelid with the dieting or pills, it's why I didn't think she was acting differently when the pills were effecting her moods. The Kelly I knew, had always known, had always had those characteristics in her, they were who she was. I just didn't know if they were all she was.

I tried to think about the girl this summer, she had all my attention because there was no one else around. We had no pressure, no assignments, no homework, no curfews, no parents. We had days of just pursuing fun things to do. Going on adventures.

Life though, normal life wasn't like that. She couldn't have all my attention, and I couldn't take her jet skiing each day. Add in people, social scenarios, reality and the holiday easiness morphs into the daydream nightmare.

The next week I try to see if there is a common ground, I refuse to think I blew up my life because I created an illusion I knew deep down didn't exist. I try to be sympathetic over her recovery, over her embarrassment, I'm attentive to see if that helps. Day's later I even attend the senior polls announcement. I clap when Andrea and Brandon get most likely to succeed, I smile when Donna gets best dressed, when David gets most entertaining, I even attempt a chuckle when Steve gets best laugh. I hold back giving any expression as I know Kel's eyes immediately find me when the twins get best eyes, and when Bren and Kyle both get best date to bring home to your parents. I even attempt to not show my loathing when Kel and I get most beautiful and most handsome.

The fight comes when she comes over for dinner. Iris is out with Samantha, Cindy and Andrea's mum. Mum said the lunch had gone well the week before with all of them and Felice, so well that they decided on dinner. Felice, unfortunately, had a prior engagement, that my mum said with a little sparkle; I couldn't imagine Felice would be exactly my free spirited mum's cup a tea. Kelly was coming over, I ordered food and hired Casablanca, thinking that it could make her feel like I put effort in. She instead assumed I was trying to seduce her, finally wanting to sleep with her again, which was not the objective. I knew that worked, I knew that worked with a lot of women, I was trying to figure out if we had more than that.

Dinner was stifled, especially when she asked where Iris was; she took offence on behalf of Jackie. I tried to soften it by telling her it was most likely an oversight as the first lunch had been organised when they had been over at the Walsh's checking on Bren after her attack; she took that as me placing the blame on her for her Mum being left out. Trying to change the subject I asked if she wanted to watch the movie, she looked over at my typewriter and asked if she could read some of what I had written instead.

"Kel, it's not done yet and well I don't want anyone reading it until it's done."

"Not even a sneak peek?"

"No. So you up for the movie?"

"Actually, I was thinking we should discuss tomorrow's picture. You know coordinate outfit's?"

"Coordinate what? I'm not taking that picture, it's not my thing, and I do not want to be remembered as the most handsome."

"Dylan, don't be stupid, I was thinking you know we could make it special and go all out like formal attire. I'll wear an evening dress and you wear a tux with tails, oh and a top hat." I look at her trying to see if she is joking, when I realise she isn't I really try to articulate my no in a way that doesn't turn into a fight. She's slamming the door on her way out in under four minute's.