Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Sixteen

Iris is the one who tells me of the breakup. I'm so far removed from the rumour mill around them that it doesn't make it to me till the Saturday. Iris and I had gone for a morning hike, she was missing nature and now tried to get into it whenever she could. I know she watches me for a reaction, and there is one just an internal one.

When we get to our planned lookout, I contemplate if I disclose my news. I don't want to make us awkward and I'm not sure if that would happen hearing it from me or finding out from Mum or Samantha.

"Darling, there is a lot of thinking going on in there. Sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, but I wanted you to know."

"No, it's not that. Josh and I have our first date tonight." I pause and wait for the reaction.

She smiles, "you were worried about telling me. Don't be, I'm glad you are looking at other fish in the sea. It doesn't mean I want your story with my son to be over, but he's not the chapter you should be writing at the moment. Maybe Josh is or maybe someone else, or maybe it's you alone, but either way I think it's fantastic that you trying to move past this."

"Will you tell…"

"Dylan? Do you want me to?"

I shrug, "I don't know. He has no right to know and I'm not sure if he would even care-"

She laughs, "I think you and I both know he cares too much. He doesn't know what to do with all that caring."

"Maybe, I don't want this to be a big deal but I don't want him to find out-"

"Publicly? Yes, that may not be the best option – god only knows what he'll break then and what that'll cost, I may be relying on my connections with Felice to get him graduated instead of Samantha worrying about Steve." I look at the ground, and kick some of the dirt, she comes and puts her arm around me. "It's not your responsibility to take care of him anymore, maybe one day it will be again when you both are better equipped but right now let me take care of him. I'll tell him when the time is right. Hopefully, he won't make it into an issue between you both, I don't think he will. He realises that your connection is holding on by the thinnest of threads, and that he was the one who has pulled it too tight and made it unravel. Now even if my son has a thicker skull than his father and does say anything to you, just know you aren't doing anything wrong. That you don't owe him a thing. What is owed is for you to try and make yourself happy, if Josh can help with that then I think it's wonderful."

Josh surprises me, I thought we'd go to a restaurant or a movie. Instead he took me ballroom dancing, it had me holding in my giggle's. Here is this sandy blonde football player surfer and he's wearing a shirt and jacket to take me ballroom dancing.

When we are spinning around the room he finally whispers in my ear, "Okay, okay you can giggle now, if you don't I'm scared you are going to pull something."

I laugh into his shoulder, "can I ask why the dancing? Did someone tell you my favourite movie was…" I stop, I have a flash of Dylan popping out from under Mondale.

Josh just holds me tighter, "No it's not because of any movie. I noticed at the Pig Skin Prom that you loved to dance, but you didn't have anyone to dance with, and well I wanted to do something you probably hadn't done before." He mean's something I haven't done with Dylan, he assumes that Dylan and I didn't go dancing because as far as he knows my boyfriend ex boyfriend wasn't much of a dancer. It's an assumption made because Dylan this year had decided to stop dancing with me, even before our breakup. No that night he hung out with Kelly while I was worrying that my brother had started some sort of gang war with that article, and even knowing that, knowing I had to hire security that it may be unsafe, even knowing that he still couldn't bring himself to attend it for me. There had been a time if there was even a hint of danger around me he wouldn't leave my side, I should have known then that everything was different.

I don't say any of that instead I focus on the guy in front of me who is trying so hard to make this special. "You noticed me at The Pig Skin Prom?"

"I noticed you from the moment I walked into West Bev. Though your white dress that night was… well you Brenda Walsh are very hard not to notice."

"You never spoke to me though?"

"From the moment I arrived- well it was made clear to me that you were spoken for. Every guy on campus knew that, he was seemingly pretty declarative about that in sophomore and junior year. I was quickly advised that even speaking with you was not the done thing." I didn't know that, I guess I never took note of how limited my circle of friends was. How even in classes where none of the gang was in there, that the only people who spoke to me were girls and even that was rare. Brandon knew everyone all the jocks, especially as sports editor, but the most I ever got was a nod.

"Shame you took that advice, I could have used a dance partner that night."

"You would have said yes?"

"To a dance sure, but nothing more. I had-" we agreed to be honest. "I had learnt my lesson. Dylan and I… well too much distance at times emotional or physical, saw us both get our heads turned. We were honest- well I was about it and it never amounted to more than a kiss or two on my end." He nods in understanding, I'm sure by now he had put the story altogether.

"If I'm lucky enough for you to agree to go on more dates, do I need to worry about-"

"No. I picked option three. You can trust that completely. I learnt my lesson this year, hell I was put through the Masters course on it. I wouldn't do that to anyone ever again."

He swings me out and brings me back in, "good. My mum's awesome but the tabloids were right about her and that guitarist. It devastated Dad, until he met Lisa. I just never could understand why my Mum couldn't just end it with my Dad before it became tainted like that. It was a rough time for me and her, especially seeing how it shattered my dad."

It's a great night; the ballroom dancing was fun, and then he took me to Malibu to his favourite seafood- well, restaurant might be too sophisticated for the shack that it was. Though it did have the best butter shrimp I had ever tasted. When we arrive back at my house in his jeep I'm convinced that he's probably the nicest guy I have ever met and on top of that he knows how to woo. Knowing all that, having it reflected in his every action, it has me worried I'm not sure I'm ready for this or that I'll be good at it.

When he comes around and opens the door he immediately helps me out of the high soft top. I've driven with him enough times to school that I know the car is high but it's not that high that he has ever needed to facilitate me getting down, this time though he has practically picked me up by the hips like I weighed nothing to help me get out. It leaves him standing very close.

"What's got you worried?" I lift my brow in question, "you have spent the last five minutes playing with Aunt Sheila's ring."

It takes me a moment to realise how he knows that, "you remembered?"

"You have got to stop sounding so surprised by that, if I haven't made it perfectly clear I've kinda liked you for a long time, it makes me very keen to know everything about you."

"Kinda, hey?"

"Well, I hadn't spoken to you personally before four weeks ago, the kinda was in case I had over exaggerated how awesome you are- imagined you as my dream girl. As far as I can tell my imagination didn't do you justice. Now what's on your mind?"

Option three, we made a deal right. "You are amazing-"

"I feel a but coming on, and before you do please don't judge me on the fact I can't tango. My mother only taught me to waltz and how to dance at a county hoedown. If it was line dancing I'd have never stepped on your foot."

I'm once again laughing, "you can line dance? I'm so telling the guy's that."

"Hey, there will be none of that, you lot already rip me enough so what I tell my girlfriend can't be used as ammunition as well." The laughter dies and I bite my lip, "too soon for titles? What about girl I'm dating, is that okay? Though I think the other one is better, but I'm happy to go at your pace, you pick, I'll even just drop all labels if that's more comfortable."

"Josh you are awesome, I'm just scared that I'm not going to be good at this. That it's too soon and I'll hurt you."

He kisses the tip of my nose. "Stop worrying, I'm going into this with my eyes wide open remember. You set the pace in everything and if it gets too much we slow down." He moves a piece of hair behind my ears and then cups my cheek. "I know he's still got a lot of space in there but I'm hoping with time that he will be pushed out and it will just be me."

The thought of letting Dylan go completely, made my stomach instantly go into knots. The thought that maybe Iris was wrong and this wasn't just a moment in a long life hits me. I didn't realise how much stock I had put in those words, how much I hope I had gained from them until the idea of letting go completely. Even after everything, after that phone call, I still trusted, wanted them to be true.

"Now will you stop worrying about the what if's and allow me to walk you to the door, while I try and convince you that tomorrow is not too soon for date two."

"Did I agree to date two?"

"Yeah it was implied in the Josh you are awesome and amazing. Now date two, ever been surfing?"

Iris gets home from her morning hike twenty minutes after I had come in from my AA meeting, my first AA meeting since Bren lived here with me. When she comes in I'm scrambling eggs, the only breakfast food I'm able to make to an edible standard. I yell out to her as the door closes. "Hey Mum did you eat? I'm making eggs if you want some."

She's comes to the arch of the kitchen smiling, though it's not her big smile and says she'd love some eggs. As she sets the table and we eat she asks about AA, I don't ask about her morning. I've learnt that she always tells me the name of the person she is meeting, such Cindy and I are going to the Mind Gym. If she doesn't say the name it means she is with Brenda; she doesn't discuss Brenda with me. Well I thought she didn't until we are washing the dishes and she brings up her name, I put the plate down that I was drying.

"I went for a hike with Brenda this morning and I hope you don't mind but I told her about Wednesday, your breakup. I didn't go into any details but I didn't know if she knew and… well she didn't know." There are so many questions I have, but I don't speak from my mum's face she is clearly not finished yet.

"We also discussed what is new with her, and well I thought you should know that she is going on a date with that new student Josh." Fuck, no! I close my eyes and breath through my nose, trying to calm myself down. I twist the dish cloth in my hands, thanking my foresight for putting down the plate. No, no, no. Maybe, if I went to her and- no, she owes me nothing. You have nothing to offer her. She doesn't want to speak to you let alone think about reuniting. Between you and Josh, she'd pick him. He doesn't fuck around with her best friend behind her back. You won't win. You'll just break whatever is left to break; there is barely anything left because you've destroyed it all. I could tell her of therapy of trying to be better- you expect her to wait for you? Like you are some prize catch that is worth waiting for.

My mum speaking quiet's the voices in my head. "Dylan, Brenda said I could tell you she didn't want you to be caught unawares by the information."

I say it softly. I'm admitting a truth that I don't want to put out there, give oxygen to. "He likes her."

"Well I hope he does if he has asked her out." She doesn't get it, it's not going to be one date.

"No, he really likes her. He's not a guy that dates a lot, and from what I know from the other surfer's he's had like one girlfriend in freshman year, and that's it. He… he really likes Brenda-"

"Well she is a beautiful, intelligent, strong, and a kind person. It's not surprising that people will like her." Helpful Mum, I'm not sure reminding me of what I gave up, what I fucked up is really necessary right now, or how many guys might come after her now.

I twist the dish towel and breathe, Ben and I discussed working on being open about my feelings with the people around me. When we had met for coffee on Thursday afternoon, the first time since that meeting with Jim, we discussed what made me withdraw from AA, from my sponsor, from my established supports- it was the transparency. Through my recount and his questions of that time, it became obvious to me what my shift was, I no longer trusted people with my honest emotions, I was back to not trusting people in general. It was making them explode out of me from being repressed; exploding out like on our first date, it was making me more angry at minor things, staying silent on others. It had turned me into a mess of fury, apathy, and bitterness.

In an effort to try to break the pattern, I loosen my almost painful hold on the cloth. "He likes her, he'll go on a date and like her even more. She'll move on from me. From what I know, Josh is a good guy and she'll see he's better for her, doesn't have my issues. Doesn't cheat on her, lie to her, manipulate her. Jim will actually like him."

"Jim likes you."

"No, no he doesn't. Not with Brenda. I was never good enough for her and from the start he made sure I knew it. After Baja he thought her and I needed space, that we were too serious."

"Darling, I know, Cindy and me spoke about it over the phone. While I didn't think a ban was the way to go about it; I thought a discussion and a request for slowing down would work just as well. Regardless though, it wasn't about a dislike of you, they were very concerned that Brenda would get pregnant or that your world's would only become each other. They were concerned about how serious you had become." She doesn't understand.

"Mum it was about me. Well at least to Jim it was. You know to get me to support her getting on that plane he threatened me. He threatened to freeze the assets and the money, he said I was harbouring a minor and committing statutory rape in a trust property. He was threatening to charge me, take away everything unless I encouraged Brenda to go. A person who likes you doesn't do that." She's shocked and from her eyes welling up getting upset, I am as well. Though I can't stop speaking, it's like my body wants it gone like expelling bad food, or untying a weight strapped to you, my body wants the relief of finally getting rid of it. "He was this perfect Dad, from the moment I met him. I saw him with Brandon I saw him with her, he cared about them, knew about their lives, wanted to make sure they were safe. He was everything Jack wasn't; by then I may have been living back with Dad somedays, no longer exiled, but we weren't like that. The moment he started hitting me was the moment I started to hide away from him. Jim, he was what a proper Dad should be."

"I finally thought he had begun to like me, at the start he wasn't shy about making me feel not good enough for her. He wasn't above letting me know that he thought my morals weren't good, that I had no restraint with Bren, that I took advantage of them and their daughter. I thought though by junior year we got past that. We had dinner most nights there, he asked me about school, about my grades. He would smile when he saw me study with her. He trusted me with her. He called me son. That office though, that threat he showed me I was never going to be that. That I'd never be good enough for his daughter, I'd never be really his son."

My mother comes over and hug's me, but pulls back quickly, she knows that I'm not one for these gesture's. "Dylan your father and I have a lot to atone for. You shouldn't have had to be finding your parental figures in others, you shouldn't have had to be searching for validation in others. Jim was wrong. He was so wrong to treat you like that, to threaten you at all was wrong it was made worse by the trust you and I had placed in him. You weren't bad for Brenda, you know that. You know that you and her were wonderful together. That truth scared Jim most of all, and believe me I'll be saying as much-"

"No. I don't want that. Mum I knew that threat would never hold weight, we are three weeks different in age. Regardless of if I was legally seen as an adult and she wasn't, the law wouldn't- Cindy, Brenda and Brandon wouldn't- you wouldn't, nothing was going to come of that threat. The issue was never the threat, the issue is my relationship with Jim, or more accurately who, what he represents. I was so desperate for his approval the whole time Bren and I were together, but I don't think it was his I wanted."

It takes her maybe a second to realise who's I always wanted, which relationship has shaped everything in my life. "Jack."

"You saw us together, you said we deserved each other, you also said it was the happiest you had ever seen me. It wasn't my new relationship status, I think by now I've figured out that there was a whole part of myself I was denying, a whole range of emotions and a lot of delusion around that. Dad, feeling wanted by Dad, that he was proud of me, that he liked me, loved me, that we were in it together. That's what had me so happy."

"He was always your hero from the moment he picked you up from my arms in the hospital, you were completely drawn to him." She breathes out and puts a practical tone on, well as practical as my hippie mother could ever be. "Dylan, it's not enough to know what the problem is to name it. Like most things there is always layers to hurts; believe me I'm well aware of that myself, meditation and therapy have been a staple of my life for a long time. Leaving you, not fighting him harder, not feeling I could win, that wasn't just on Jack, my own self-esteem and feelings of being inadequate as a mother as a person were right there making that choice. If you want to address your relationship with Jack and even with me, I think outside help, an objective outsider is needed."

"Mum, you don't have to be cautious of using the word therapy. I'm not opposed to it, it helped Bren a lot after the hold up and well it's not like Dad didn't try and palm me off to a therapist once or twice when I became too ungrateful- his words. Ben yesterday afternoon rang and gave me some names, I put a call in to a couple. One of their services got back to me this morning after you left, they have a cancellation so I have an appointment Monday afternoon."

She smiles, "Darling I'm very impressed you are really trying to figure this out."

"Well I destroyed my life, hurt the person I love the most, hurt her badly, I need to get this sorted. Especially, if I want to ensure Josh doesn't stick around."

"You know you can't do this for her, you can't do it with the hope that she'll come back." Don't say that Mum, not after you tell me she's dating this guy; my mother was absolutely shit at comforting me.

"What happened to the belief that this was just a moment for us?"

"I'm not saying it's not, and I truly hope that I'm right, but Dylan you can't get better for someone else that's just moving the validation from a pseudo parent to her." Begrudgingly I nod, because fuck she was right. "I'd like to meet this Ben one day, if one afternoon of coffee creates such a powerful insight."

"No, it wasn't that. I've been thinking about it, well it started when I began writing about Dad but then for the last couple of weeks since Kelly's collapse it became more solid. It's stupid really, but I had these daydreams back in January of what my life would be like with both of them. Kelly's… well Kelly's highlighted some of the things I was trying to ignore. Brenda's though, the worst thing I could say about being surrounded by a house full of kids was that I had put on weight and got a nine to five job, oh and kids are loud. Anyway the money was a feature of the Kelly fantasy and it didn't play a role in mine with Bren, if it had our life may have looked the same but different. The money gives us the privilege of being able to pursue our dreams. Anyway it got me thinking why was it not there in my daydreamed future with her, and it wasn't a big jump to get to Jim. His approval has always been a big deal to me, not Cindy's, and hell I knew Jackie and Mel so little that they didn't even come to Jack's funeral even though I was dating Kelly. It's not a parental approval it's a Jim specific one."

"It's a father's approval, Jim represents the ideal father to you, it makes sense."

"Yeah, it makes sense, it's completely obvious. Too bad I had to wreck my life, damage my relationship with my-" I pause what do I call her, after everything I have done to her, to us?

My Mum decides to help out, "Soul mate, true love, twin flame-"

Huh? "Twin flame?"

"Your souls other half, it's ancient mythology-" she must read my face, her hippie stuff was still hard to swallow. "A story for another time."

"Well yeah my girl is dating another guy. It makes great sense that to get to this point everything had to be thrown away."

"Maybe that's the idea Darling. Maybe you needed to knock it all down, so you could rebuild from scratch, make it stronger, more stable, better."

"Well that's well and good but in the meantime Bren's off building something new with someone else, what happens if she never wants to have anything to do with me again?"

"Hmm, have you figured out why Kelly yet? Why specifically her?" I had spoken to my mother enough times I over the last month of living with her, she rarely gave a direct answer.

"Uh, yeah. She's like me, she gets the lack of parenting, the loneliness, the abandonment, the never being worthy of the attention of the people we want to most care about us. She understood it without me having to say it."

"And then why didn't it work? Or better yet what has that relationship taught you?"

"That we should work together, but we don't, because two broken people just break more against each other; there's too many hard sharp edges and not enough stability in either of us to find anything real to hold on to."

"Darling, some people come into our lives or become important in our lives for a time to help us learn something we wouldn't be able to learn otherwise. Kelly taught you that what can look easy is actually the opposite and often doesn't give us any satisfaction. After such a difficult time with Brenda and her family, and with your instinct to run away when things get too hard, it was a lesson you needed to learn. Hopefully, you now can break that pattern of trying to escape your problems, that when you and Brenda get back together you'll not run away when life gets hard because it always does." She pulls the plug in the sink and picks up the other dish towel. "With Brenda, don't lose hope. Maybe Josh is there to help her learn something too."

"And if that maybe is wrong?"

"Darling, does it feel over for you and her?"

"No."

"That's because it can never be truly over with your other half. You both share the same soul."

She leaves the room then, as I'm left to think about her hippie pep talk of soul bonds and how much I wish Josh never moved here.