Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Landes, France was beautiful, I could understand why it and the region are one of Dylan's favourite places on earth.

Looking out the window of the car as evening moves to night I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass, me playing with the my new necklace. I move my hand instantly between my knees squeezing it tight to keep it trapped there, away from that piece of jewellery. The whole point of me being here was to focus on Josh and here I am playing with my new necklace from my ex and thinking of everything he has told me about his summer trips here.

This isn't good, crossing the Atlantic I replayed his face when I told him. I love him, I didn't lie but I didn't need to be that cruel, and since that cruelty his crushed face was all I could see.

My regret ate at me throughout the flight. Dylan didn't need to know about my feelings for Josh, suspecting it is one thing confirming it another.

Since he got back we had fallen into a rhythm, it had been six months before that that we had anything similar to it and even then for months Kelly had been included- it had felt wrong, he had felt wrong, our rhythm I had felt out of step with it. Not anymore. Since he returned he and I were complementary dance partners again in everything, and I wasn't in denial so much that I didn't know that I had been enjoying dancing again with him. Had enjoyed being with my Dylan, my sophomore and junior Dylan again.

He had been sweet and the perfect gentleman. The premiere was the only time we had indulged, and that was in support. A support that had been captured by too many sources, photos zoomed to make it look more than it was. They were friendly touches, intimate but friendly, I knew the difference. I knew the feather like passing of the pads of his finger tips over my skin was his way to suggest that he was in the mood, wanted to go get lost in our favourite place. I knew it was his way. He'd spent two years flaming my own desire sometimes at the most inappropriate times, a flame he could stir and control from just a whisper of a touch. He liked the whisper, it was a declaration, a promise. If a whisper could feel like that imagine what he could do when he properly touched me. I knew that heat, that tightening of my belly, that anticipation. I also knew without a shadow of a doubt, that it had been nine months since I experienced that.

The pictures were friendship, they looked bad but they weren't more than that. There was no whisper in his touch. His knuckles had glided down my spine not the pads of his fingers. I knew that that alone was him being respectful. I knew I just didn't know how to tell that to my boyfriend. That yes it was intimate but not sexual. That to us it was friendship not a move. How do you tell your current boyfriend that you and your ex have a touch language that is completely your own? And that the only way not to touch him would not to be around him? That touch, looks, energy, hell the individual feelings that were only internally felt within us were all somehow as loud to each other as the word's we spoke?

There hadn't been yelling, that would have been preferred.

More guilt. More remorse.

When I knocked on his hotel room door he had been shocked and then a resigned look came over him, like he was preparing for something. Josh let me speak, he had opened the hotel room door wide and I had made my way in. Found a small table and chair's by the window and he had followed, sat across from me and he then had just let me speak.

With each word, each photo I thought he'd get mad, upset, get something but he seemed relieved. My guilt escalated with every understanding look, every glance at a picture where his eyes didn't seem to pay much attention to it, his eyes would look down for a second and then just turn back to me and he'd smile. When he finally picked me up and put me on his lap and played with my hair I stopped speaking.

"Why aren't you angry?"

"Darlin, my girl just flew across an ocean on a very big night for her when she should be out celebrating. Instead, she flew across an ocean to tell me exactly what we had talked about on the phone and bring unnecessary pictures. Darlin, you jumped on a plane because you love me so much you wanted to make sure I'm okay. How on earth can I be angry about that?"

"Josh, the pictures? The clip's?"

"You didn't come to tell me no more option three."

"But, Dylan and-"

"Hey, I came into this with my eyes open, he's the elephant in the room. Well he was the elephant you jumping on a plane tells me he's decreasing in size- maybe he's just the size of an old farm dog now. An old dog that you are getting ready say goodbye to put out of his misery." He moves my hair and kisses my neck as I'm still trying to wrap my head around that analogy.

"Darlin, you are still unwrapping yourself from his life, and even more so now he's back. Being away hadn't given either of you time to find your new normal- how to be just acquaintances. I know though, especially because you are here and trying to explain it, that that the point is still the same. You want to get past him, you want Dylan to become nothing more than just history to you. Someone you bump into on the street, see at common friends parties- chat to for a few minutes before moving on to speak to someone else." He kisses me up to my ear.

"You flying hours across the world to make sure we are okay, to not say no more option three… It tells me how important we are to you. It tells me that Dylan, your romantic relationship with him, is quickly becoming a speck in the rearview mirror as you are moving towards us, you are leaving him and that behind."

Before I can speak, while I'm processing those word's he kisses me. As he's picking me up and carrying me to his bed I'm still not sure if I'm understanding all of them. If that's what I'm saying by being here. If Dylan had been right and Josh thinks moving on means Dylan stops being in my daily life.

Josh has to be at the competition early the next day, I'm jet lagged. After our reconnection and Josh is asleep I roll over to my side of the mattress and go over the words. The Dylan elephant is shrinking? Acquaintance? Get past him? A speck in the rearview mirror?

I'm exhausted, jet lagged but those words keep spinning in my head. They are bouncing around my body hurting my head, hitting my heart, stirring up confusion in my gut. It's when I'm laying, clinging to the edge of the mattress unsure of anything, that I once again catch myself playing with my necklace.

It's then when I see that metal in my hand that I begin to grasp and find I can hold onto my emotions again, that they set up roots again. That I know what I'm feeling.

I'm naked in bed with Josh wearing nothing but Dylan's necklace.

Queasy. Guilt. Betrayal.

The phone rings on Sunday night. I had kept it by me since I had got home from brunch with Mum at Casa Walsh, hoping it would ring.

"Hello."

"Hey D, my better half asked me to ring. She's on her way home, she got delayed in New York- a flight cancelation, anyway she left a message on the answering machine. Not sure what time she'll be home but she did ask me to ring you and say yes to coffee the largest coffee they have- I hope you get the meaning of that."

"Delayed in New York? Is she even landing tonight?"

"I think so. Andrea and I have been out at The Pit for dinner after leaving the hospital, we were in the restaurant for a couple of hours. Nat's working crazy hours, he is so short staffed so we helped out a little while we were there- he's still grumbling about missing his Laverne's premier with her. Anyway the message was there before a couple of others so it's at least three hours old. Her flight got it's final boarding call as she was hanging up. She said she'd grab a taxi, I imagine she'll be in after midnight."

"Ahh the reason for the largest coffee, I'll make sure to grab one for her for class. Thanks Jones for ringing. I might see you on campus tomorrow."

"Yeah, later brother."

I rang the LA airport information desk, there were two flights landing from New York one at nine-thirty and one at eleven-forty. The nine-thirty didn't match up when I asked about flights landing from France, she was coming in just before midnight.

She had got her brother to ring, that was good right?

My shower, reading, even talking to my mum didn't take my mind off her. We left things badly, I guilted her for being honest- I did that on her big night. By ten-forty I give up the pretence that I'm not going to meet her plane. I'm dressed grabbing my car key's when my mother who must have heard me comes out of her room and smile's.

"Tell her I expect lunch this week, I can come to campus or maybe no lunch but a sunrise beach walk." Of course she would know where I was going, and of course she wants some of Bren's time.

"You know you are supposed to be wanting to spend time mothering me?"

"Darling, I am. But what kind of mother would I be if I didn't make sure the woman who holds your heart is happy and well?" I roll my eyes but walk the four steps and kiss my mum's cheek.

"Don't wait up."

The gate is quiet for the late night, just a few people waiting to greet people. It's mainly a lot of driver's ready to stand when the gate opens with signs saying who they are collecting. I'm leaning against the wall directly across from the gate. Sitting seemed too confining, I needed to stand.

When she walks out, she is exhausted. The flight from France is long, especially travelling from the South of France. But she didn't look this tired after her Paris trip- though I guess I had seen her after her shower and a couple of hours at home. Why didn't I come to the airport then? Even if Jim and I were at odds, I should have been there. I would have been there any other time invited, wanted or not. I should have turned up for her then.

She doesn't even look up, she just walks straight almost half asleep out of the gate. I don't move to her. When's she six feet away she yawns and lifts her groggy eyes to mine. "Is the top up on the car?"

"Do you want it to be?" She nod's as I step over to her and reach for her bag, "okay I'll put it up so you can sleep on the way home."

"Thank you." We walk past the empty closed gate's in silence, making our exit out of the airport. "Plane food sucks."

"First class and business isn't usually too bad."

"I flew coach." I roll my eyes.

"Do you know how many air miles I have? I spent half the summer jumping on and off flights every few day's. I could have got you an upgrade for free."

"Yeah, that wouldn't be weird at all… I'll regret it if I eat now, won't I?" The change in conversation is less than subtle. I'm uncertain if she would find it weird for the miles or is that Josh's opinion shining through so she now thinks it should be weird.

"Depends on what you eat. What do you feel like?"

"Tomato soup and a toasted cheese sandwich."

Bren's Grandma Beevis used to make that for her when she was sad, it's one of her comfort meals.

Was it the long flight or what happened in France that she requires the recovery meal for? "Do you have the stuff at the apartment so I can make the soup?"

"Opening a can and adding a few dry herb's is not making food Dyl, it's reheating."

"There is cutting of cheese and buttering and frying bread as well- cooking."

"I don't know… not about the cooking on that I know you are full of shit. I don't know what's in the fridge and cupboard- especially leaving the guy's there with a full fridge. It could be empty now."

"You up for my place then? I have your favourite cans of soup and I know I have bread and cheese." She was standing on her side of the car helping me put up the top.

"I guess it's ridiculous to say no now, to say I don't want to put you out when it's midnight at LAX and I'm making you put the roof up on the car."

When I click the last flap in place securing the roof I move to her side to open the door. "Nothing about this or you is putting me out. I came here because I wanted to, and heating up soup isn't hard. Toasting the sandwich so it doesn't burn, that's a little more tricky, but taking care of you is never putting me out."

"Okay." She is putting on her seatbelt with hooded eyes about to pass out.

"Good. You sleep I'll get you home and wake you when the foods ready."

By the time I'm back around the car in my seat with my belt secure she is fast asleep. It's then looking at her do I see my necklace is still on her.

Good he didn't make her uncomfortable for wearing it. She didn't take it off from misplaced guilt.