Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Thirty-Four

I told Josh that it was getting late here and I still needed to do some readings before class tomorrow. He finally took the hint that he couldn't keep trying to talk me around, hopefully he took it as a permanent hint and this wasn't just tonight's respite like every other night since I got home.

As I press the button on the cordless and put the phone down on the bed I push my head into my pillow. It's all got too complicated, everything inside me is all too complicated. It's like I'm back at the end of sophomore year again and I'm seeing my life, these big decisions being made, rushing past me giving me no time to catch up and figure out where I'm going, what I'm turning into. My parents, my career, my college dreams, my new found spotlight- it was too much. Too much to sit on top of an already internally vicious tug-of-war.

Moving on with Josh, who was all in on- actually I didn't want to go there even in my mind it was giving me anxiety just thinking about how committed he was to me, our future. France, his words when I arrived… it was the first time I realised how I was no longer gently moving with the current of life away from my past, it was the first time I felt like I was being pulled down and dragged under, drowning.

When he left that morning for the competition while I feigned jet lag. Blaming it on making me so exhausted that I needed a few hours before I came out to the beach to cheer him on. Blamed that rather than worry him that it wasn't jet lag but rather a lack of sleep altogether making me unable to get me out of bed. Once he left the hotel room I finally had let it out the thought's that had kept me up; the panic attack was enough to worry me. It was enough for me to call for help.

The vested interest of everyone, the opinions and split loyalties, meant Val was the one I called. She talked me down enough to stop the crying and gave me the honest ugly truth- I was trying to do what I felt I should not what I needed.

My oldest friend, my sister had no love for Dylan but she loved me, she loved me enough to ask the hard questions. Was I in love with Josh or did I just love him as a person? When I couldn't answer definitively either way she tried another question.

Did I get excited to talk to him?

Did I crave his touch?

Did I feel like myself when I was him, in every way- could I let him see the good, the bad, the ugly parts of me?

Was he the person I wanted to call when something happened- the good, the bad, the scary?

Was his arms the one's I felt safe in?

She rambled them off and I said nothing. I said nothing as a face appeared in my mind of the person who answered every one of those questions.

Val knew me, she knew me without words. My silence was answer enough because her last question was like a punch in the gut.

Are you afraid to look like the idiot woman who goes back to the cheating asshole?

It wasn't said with malice or judgment, but it summed up a fear that I never wanted to own. My belief that I was an independent, strong woman, who respected myself enough not to put myself in a bad situation. Dylan and I, he treated me horribly, I allowed myself to become no more than a poorly decorated cookie to him. How do you walk back into that situation willingly? How do you give up a guy who respects you, trusts you, treats you like you are his favourite human being on the planet, who wants a future with you? How do you give up that and return to a guy who cheats on you with your best friend, chooses her over you?

It didn't matter that I had forgiven him for that. It didn't matter that I could see how hard he's worked to stop being that guy. It didn't matter that I knew deep down he wasn't capable of that again; that he had the fear of a lifetime by me leaving his life, not being able to get at me, denied me, it had shaken him free from his haze of indifference. It didn't matter that I trusted him.

Val's question was right on the money.

I was back being that Minnesota kid walking into West Beverly feeling overwhelmed, feeling small, feeling I didn't measure up- my internal self esteem of junior year had abandoned me. It had taken the hit- no it had been squashed by senior year. I had never wanted to admit it out loud but me not telling anyone about the affair was me protecting Dylan, though there was a part a small part that I didn't want to acknowledge that had also done it because my ego had been damaged.

He had made me look foolish and I had forgiven him for that, but if I took him back now I knew I'd be judged and some people would think I was once again foolish. I didn't know if I was strong enough to sit with that, especially if the media found out. The headline flashed across my mind, 'New young actress takes back cheating lying millionaire boyfriend'- what role model would I be to young women if it all came out? What does it say about me if I went back?

Val, had said it all on that phone call when I couldn't say anything. Day's after kissing Josh in France and saying I needed time to sort out my emotions. That with everything in the last six months and with the potential massive change ahead I was feeling like I needed space, I was feeling it was all too much. That I didn't know what direction I was going in, or if I was ready for the changes ahead. Day's after he had tried to talk me out of doing this to us, trying to convince me I was just taking on too much. That it would be all better if I took these months before the show off, if I made the decision to travel with him and relax- that that would be the perfect way to gain the time and space I needed. That we didn't need a break from each other. Day's after saying I couldn't take that option, and without being able to articulate why before I got on that flight home. Day's after Dylan had surprised me and picked me up where I was unable to explain what happened to him. Day's of Brandon and Steve asking about my trip. It had been day's where I still couldn't voice it. I was still sitting in the silence of Val's questions, with both of us knowing my answers but with me being unable to speak them to anyone.

Iris this afternoon hadn't even tried to break my silence, she had looked at me and just knew. Her mama bear hug and her understanding whisper of it will be all right, that I was stronger than I thought had brought tears to my eyes. Most of our walk along the beach had been in silence. She like Val could hear the words my silence was saying, she heard and she didn't judge. I was judging myself enough for it.

Thursday he came in with our coffees, and I had wished him a happy birthday asking if he was free for an early lunch after class. He had lit up at the invite.

When we were leaving the class with are still warm coffees after are French Literature lecturer had dismissed us within twenty minutes, complaining of feeling ill. I had asked again, thinking with the time maybe breakfast or brunch would be better now.

"Iris and I had a big breakfast together this morning, I'm happy to go sit with you though if you are hungry now?"

"No I'm fine, let's stick with lunch. I'm sure we can find something to do till then."

"Any thoughts on where you want to go?"

"No, it's your birthday you have complete freedom to decide on where. Though lunch will be my treat, no arguing."

"Anywhere?"

"Yeah it's your birthday, anywhere, pick your favourite place."

"My favourite place… Okay, let me just make a phone call and then let's get out of here." As he moves to the Payphone he turns around, "you have your licence right?"

An hour and a half later after my fourth request to know where we were going he just laughs at my slight almost inaudible whine.

"I thought it was my birthday and we could go anywhere?"

"I didn't think I needed to clarify in the continental US."

"Well that maybe needed to be stipulated before we got in the car."

Another twenty minutes later and knowing that I couldn't pretend to not have seen the miles decreasing on each road sign I finally call him out on his lunch venue. "Baja is a long way to travel for lunch."

His cheeks rise up, "three hours in a car with you I think is too short, and we left at nine-thirty we will be eating just before one. Rosa has it all sorted."

"Three hours there and three hours back. Dylan what if I had something on?"

"You didn't I asked yesterday where you were going to watch the second episode, and you said you weren't it was too weird seeing yourself on screen. You said you were going to hide out in your room tonight with a book. Bren I do listen when you speak."

I shake my head and try and maintain a stern face. "Six hours in a car for lunch is a little much."

"It's my birthday, Baja that cantina where we danced most of the night is my favourite place. I'm just following your instructions." He looks over at me, his eyes are hidden from his sun glasses but I know they are vibrant in his pleasure of stealing a day, "and if you feel like it's too far to travel home tonight we could always stay. Grab a sunset surf tonight, walk the beach at sunrise. As long as we are in the car by six-thirty we should make our ten am poetry class tomorrow."

My sarcasm is thick, "lunch is now turning into, dinner and breakfast-"

"Only if you want it to. If not we have lunch and I'll make sure you are home by six tonight."

My grumble of in future I need to remember to clarify my words more, especially when I say anywhere is met with a smile and a "probably would be best" from him.

When we cross the border and we start moving out to the coast road and I see the inviting water I feel calm for the first time in day's. Within minutes I'm voicing my new concern, "we have nothing to wear or any surfboards."

"We can buy clothes and swimming costumes, and rent boards- does that mean we are staying?"

"Dyl, this is crazy."

"No it's us being young and carefree. In a few months you will be back on your set and you'll be wishing you could do this… Bren you are already get recognised on campus, it's only going to increase. You are only going to get busier. So relax and enjoy our freedom to do this. It's you and me in one of our favourite places, eating good food and taking a break from the world."

"You've booked rooms?"

"I've asked Rosa to hold two adjoining rooms just in case. I didn't want to be presumptuous and get a room who two doubles, and while the hotel is safe I didn't like the idea of you being that far away in case…"

"You were that sure I'd say yes, that I wouldn't ask you to turn around?"

"I was that sure that you'd at least consider it, and that was enough- the hope was enough, it's always enough."