Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

"Wow, look how easy it is to go across the border when we both have id's."

"You did not just say that?" Thankfully she wasn't upset, I could hear the slight laugh in her tone.

"Come on, one of us had to."

"Dyl, I don't think either of us needed to point that out. We could have just let that one go to the keeper."

My response is laced with amusement and an ounce of shock, "is that a hockey reference?"

"Blame Brandon, he's been carrying on about his love of the game so much I'm having junior high flashbacks."

"Seriously, what's up with B it's not even hockey season yet?"

"He's been trying to convince Bobby to come out for my parents twentieth. Every time he gets off the phone he's back to hockey references and praising the game of real sportsman. They are discussing who looks to have the best line up for the year ahead. Anyway, just be thankful it's not a football reference, living with Steve has exaggerated Brandon's love of all sports, conversations when it's just the three of us are painful."

"And when Andrea is there what does she say about that?"

"She is pre-med, she watches the games with them though spends most of the time studying. She does lift her head up when there is an injury, she says it's a good opportunity to test her diagnostic skills."

"That sounds like Andrea. Your place must be pretty full with the guys and then Andrea and Celeste." I'm trying not to sound like I'm fishing but I am wondering if it's too full for me to visit? If I'd be welcome? Mum had another five days before she went on her desert retreat, and then she'd be back for a few day's to attend the Walsh anniversary the following week. How do we make this work before my mum leaves? How do I go without her for nearly a week?

"It is but it is nice to. If the series gets picked up it means college gets pushed aside, and then just really long days on set. My roommates will hopefully make me feel connected to everyone, a part of it even if I'm no longer able to be present or never have time to see anyone." In a snap I'm now worried about long term, she sounds like she wants to stay there for a while. I'd hoped once she had figured herself out that living together would be soon, at least by the new year when the series would get picked up.

My next question is a distraction away from the thoughts in my head. If we continue down that housing field I know I'll get tempted to ask a question leading me to break the promise I made on the beach last night. "Are you excited about the hype around the launch? I'm sure the producers were pleased."

"Yeah, it's still too early. Last nights numbers will hopefully be good, I've been told they should be gradually growing if they go backwards that means we are losing the audiences interest. Understandably, it's a depressing concept a family drama around the death of both parents it could become too dark, or not dark enough and seem like it's trivialising it. It's a fine line." She takes a deep breathe out, "it's the frustrating thing. I have no idea what I should be planning for. If I should be looking forward to next semesters courses, going on auditions that my agent keeps suggesting, or if I should assume that my life is going to become all about the show for maybe the next two year's."

REM plays loudly in my mind and I instantly stop worrying about potential housing issues, they aren't important right now, none of my uncertainties are important right now. It's nice to hear her finally begin to let some of her confusion out. I know it's not all of it, but it's a start. "My doctor, when I first started going to her set goals. Focus on the next hour, the day ahead, the plans for the week. The what could be, could have been she says drive's you crazy. She tells me just to be in the moment, focus on being genuine in that moment." I know her eyes even through her sunglasses are on me, I look over and smile at her- she looks almost proud, it's not deserved, not after everything so I try and play it down. "It's easier said than done."

"It seems to have helped. You feel more settled, sure of yourself."

"I am, it's not just bravado now."

"Not all of it was bravado, I think last night proved that." It's her teasing, her flirting, her way to lift what could be a heavy conversation. A conversation that I know needs to be taken at her pace, she's already has too much to process she doesn't need more added. She doesn't need more added from me. I promised last night I wouldn't ask questions I'd go with her lead, I needed to keep focused on that. I needed to avoid anything that would make her feel the need to escape from me.

I take her teasing as a sign that she is done with the heaviness of sharing some of the thoughts overwhelming her, so I tease right back. "I thought you said no one likes a show off?"

"When you say it it's showing off, when I say it it's giving you a compliment."

I laugh, "oh is that the difference."

From then on the conversation is a mix of flirting, friends joking and us discussing our first upcoming assignments for our classes.

When I follow her into her apartment I look around, it's more settled than when they moved in and it's as cohesive as it can be when living with Steve. The twins complimented each other in everything, Steve Steve was that alcohol cabinet in the corner- his additions were obvious amongst the twins. By the answering machine Bren finds a list of message's written down, her sigh tells me that they all aren't welcome or are maybe more pressure than she currently need's.

I boldly decide then that I'll extend my no questions to trying to be her respite, I can be the source of calm for her amongst all the confusion of her life. From our first official date she offered me that, I can do that for her now. If everything else is up in the air for her, I want to be the thing that makes sense to her, that allows her shelter and relief from it all. I want to do what she has always done for me.

My hands wrap around her from behind and my lips move to her neck, once I've got her to naturally extend her neck to give me more room to worship I speak. "Is there anything from work there that requires you to respond immediately to?" It's my support. Her career is important, if she needs to go call producer's I'll give her space even if I'm not wanting her to leave my arms. The question is my way of helping her priorities, telling her that I understand her career is important that she has commitments and I can wait.

It's said in that breathy tone that both excites me and makes me feel proud for causing her, "no."

My legs begin to move as I lift her up. "Then we have twenty minutes before we need to leave for campus and I have a fantastic idea how I can show off for you- sorry how I can get you screaming my name as a compliment." Her chest moving tells me that whatever mood those messages gave her has been broken and she's now trying to hide her laughter.

Sitting next to her in our romantic poetry class after the last twenty-four hours without grabbing her hand and laying kisses on it, without moving over and whispering my favourite lines from each poem to her, each line that reminded me of her was restraint that even my doctor would be proud of. Extremely proud because I was going off her cues, letting Bren set the pace and tone. A tone that she began setting as we got out of my car on campus and she immediately maintained a half a foot between us as we walked side by side. As she wrapped her two hands around the strap of her bag rather than catch my hand.

A tone that was loudly booming when we bumped into Andrea and she congratulated Bren on last night's episode and then asked how Baja was. A response she gave of great, relaxing with a lot of good food, surfing and swimming. It was the tone of utter casualness to one of her closest friends, a comment that had no head turn to mine and giving of sparkling eyes to indicate a secret existed between us. It was a tone set by a very talented actress who delivered her line's, held her body the way she intended to convey meaning, the meaning being there was nothing to see here.

I needn't have worried about not getting an opportunity to ask what was happening, she was giving me all the answers I needed since we got out of the car.

After poetry class Dylan and I had to part way's, I had my annoying acting class to get to and he had his history one. Our parting was exactly like we were, okay I was back in sophomore year when I used to get nervous to ask him to parties. It was those initial few weeks when I would still get taken aback that I was dating The Dylan McKay. The guy that never dated anyone, who was a mystery, who was the epitome of cool. You wouldn't have guessed he was still the same guy as we walked out of class and he tried to figure out how to farewell me.

He had clearly picked up on my lack of touch since arriving on campus, and even the distance I had put between us. Josh and I had broken up not even a week ago, no one knew that. No one knew that my unease at Josh's words, the unease of realising I'd have to give Dylan up, not completely but enough to give more space for Josh. It had been the straw that had broken my already burden mind. Dylan didn't even know that, and I didn't know how to say it without indicating to him what I was starting to believe was true- I never wanted to give him up, that friendship even the closest would never be enough.

I couldn't say it yet to him, because I didn't know how to reconcile what that says about me. How I'd cope with friends, family or total strangers if the media ever heard the full story, how I'd cope with their looks, their questions, their judgment. This man hurt me, betrayed me, for almost nine months he kept me in the dark, he watched me lessen myself believing I was at fault, he we devalued our history our love and here I am considering to jump into that again. It didn't matter that I knew it would never happen again, and it wasn't that I didn't think he was remorseful enough. Sadly, it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my ego. My ego split internally between fear of looking like a fool publicly and angry that I'd even hesitate even for a second on giving up something I'd want because of others belief's about my life.

"So I should get to History, the lecturer is fastidious about punctuality." His hands were holding his books out the front of him, slightly swinging them forward and back, he told me he was unsure of himself.

"Yeah, I should go as I need to get across to building C to the drama space." He nods and I can see if he's wondering if that's it, that's goodbye. "Um Iris mentioned on our walk that she wanted to try that new Vietnamese Restaurant in Brentwood."

His hands stop moving, "yeah she said that to me too." He thankfully picks up on the subtle suggestion. "Want me to see if I can get the three of us in there tonight? I'm sure she'd love the opportunity to have dinner with both of us."

"If she's free then that would be great, we- me and her, we haven't had much of a chance to spend time together and you know how I love her."

"Believe me the feelings mutual. Okay I'll call and try and get a reservation. I'll let you know what time."

"Good. Well I'll see you tonight then." His shy smile begins to rise on his face, it makes my cheeks rise. This is not a good look in the middle of the busiest building on campus, "okay well I should go and you are going to be really late."

"True." His smile loses his shyness, "thanks for my birthday lunch. Honestly, it was the best birthday."

I laugh, "yeah the lunch was delicious good choice in restaurants."

He leans forward and whispers close to me ear. "Lunch was good but it wasn't the best thing I tasted down there." He moves even a little closer or maybe it's me leaning nearer, "or since we've been back."

And as my heart picks up and my body warms he walks away with a knowing wink.